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The  Glenn  Negley  Collection 
of  Utopian  Literature 


Digitized  by  the  Internet  Archive 
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http://www.archive.org/details/entirelynewfeatuOOIand 


AN  ENTIRELY  NEW  FEATURE 

OP 

A.    THRILLING     ISTOVELI 

ENTITLED, 

THE  SOCIAL  WAB, 

OF  THE  YEAR 

1  3  O  O5 

OB, 

THE  CONSPIRATORS  AND  LOVERS! 

BY 

S.  M.  LANDIS,  M.D.,  D.D., 

AUTHOR  OF  "  SECRKTS  OF   GENERATION,"   "  SENSE  AND  NONSENSE," 
"MESMER,   THE  TERROR   OF    THE    RICH,"    'COURTSHIP    AND 
MARRIAGE,"  "KEY  TO  LOVE,"  "KEY  TO  HEAVEN,"  ETC/''''' 


II  LESSON  FOR  SITS  UNO  SINNERS ! 


PUBLISHED  BY  "LAND IS  PUBLISHING  SOCIETY," 

No.  13  NORTH  ELEVENTH  STREET, 

Philadelphia,  Pa. 

1872. 

I 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1872,  by 

SIMON  41.  LANDIS,    M.D.,  D.D., 

In  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congresa,  at  Washington,  D.  C. 


OTDp//\ 


PREFACE. 


F  late  years  my  enemies  have  driven  me  to 
conclude  that  fixed  truths  are  stumbling 
blocks  to  the  consummation  of  established 
usages  and  modernized  human  life.  When- 
ever I  have  advertised  a  lecture,  sermon,  book  or 
apparatus  of  a  useful,  scientific  character,  I  have  had 
only  a  few  patrons ;  but,  when  I  made  an  impression, 
by  my  advertisements,  that  I  was  going  into  the  ver- 
iest mysteries  of  human  nature,  was  going  to  teach  the 
public  how  to  enjoy  the  feeling  propensities  without 
danger  of  exposition,  was  going  to  shake  the  devil  by 
his  horns  and  knock  particular  thunder  out  of  ordi- 
nary things,  I  have  always  had  an  abundance  of  cus- 
tomers ! 

Therefore  I  have  drawn  a  heavy  picture  in  the  novel 
before  us ;  and,  whilst  all  phases  of  humanity  are  por- 
trayed, I  think  I  have  not  overstepped  the  modesty 
of  nature,  nor  left  any  thing  undone  to  satiate  all 
classes  of  people;  whilst  sensation,  history,  comedy 
and  tragedy  loom  up  truthfully,  and  I  hope  to  the 

3 


583153 


4  PREFACE. 

satisfaction  of  all  who  admire  either  devil,  or  nature 
and  nature's  God  ! 

To  furnish  the  reader  with  a  diet  that  is  palatable 
to  his  omnivorous  taste,  and  yet  to  smother  the  most 
unpalatable  though  healthful  dishes  by  his  favorite 
hash,  is  the  aim  of  this  novel.  By  so  doing,  I  am 
persuaded  that  the  reader  may  learn,  sooner  or  later, 
that  the  viand  which  was  most  distasteful  was  after 
all  the  most  needful  and  desirable,  and  then  he  will 
distinguish  truth  from  error,  or  a  natural  from  an 
unnatural  life.  This  done,  and  the  masses  will  return 
to  truth,  nature,  sound  sense  and  solid  logic.  I  have 
also  dramatized  this  novel,  and  I  hope  and  pray  that 
my  labors  have  not  been  in  vain,  but  I  trust  that  mil- 
lions may  be  saved  from  all  sorts  of  misery  through 
this  feeble  effort  to  entertain  and  instruct  the  people. 

The  Author. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTF.E  PAGE 

Preface 3 

I. — The  Hero  rescues  the  Heroine 11 

II. — The  Solemn  Oath  of  the  Conspirators 15 

III. — Deacon   Stew  raves  at   Lucinda's  Love  for 

Victor 20 

IV. — Pat  O'Conner  blarneys  the  Deacon 24 

v.— The  Bloody  Conspirators  poison  Victor  Juno  28 

VI- — The  Serpent  at  Lucinda's  Bedside 31 

VII. — Nancy   Clover,  failing   to  captivate   Gene- 
ral Armington,  becomes  Revengeful 36 

VIII.— LuciNDA  IN  Disguise  saves  Victor's  Life 39 

IX. — Victor  and  Lucinda  Betrothed 43 

X.— Foul  Conniving  op  the  Bloody  Conspirators.  47 
XI. — Shrewd  Expose  op  Cosmopolitan  Rascality...  51 
XII.— Victor  Juno's  Scathing  Sermon  in  the  Thea- 
tre    53 

XIII. — Lucinda  abducted  and  imprisoned 57 

XIV. — Victor  abducted  and  imprisoned 61 

XV. — Reported  Elopement  and  Seduction  of  Lu- 
cinda by  Victor 66 

503153 


6  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  PACK 

XVI.— Lucinda's  Thrilling  Prater  and  Lamen- 
tation in  Prison 70 

XVII. — General  Armington   searching    for   his 

Seduced  Daughter  in  Europe 75 

XVIII. — Jemmy  discovers  Victor  and  Lucinda 79 

XIX.— Deacon  Stew  threatens  to  shoot  Jemmy..     83 
XX. — Lucinda  nearly  murders  the  Deacon  in 

her  Cell 87 

XXL— Victor's  Vision,  in  a  Dream,  in  his  Dun- 
geon       89 

XXII. — Victor's    Terrific    Struggle   with   the 

Night-Watchman 95 

XXIII. — Thrilling  Prison  Scene  between  Lucinda 

AND  Deacon  Stew 100 

XXIV. — Dr.  Victor  Juno's  Escape  from  his  Dun- 
geon    105 

XXV. — Dr.  Juno  locked  out  of  Concert  Hall, 

which  caused  a  Riot 109 

XXVI. — Most   Thrilling   and    Demoniacal  Plot- 
ting op  the  Conspirators 113 

XXVII. — General  Armington  turns  Insane 117 

XXVIII. — Dr.    Juno    arrested    in  his    Pulpit    for 

selling  "Obscene"  Books 121 

XXIX. — The  Insane  General  Armington  nearly 

murders  the  Physician-in-Chiep 124 

XXX. — Harry  GossiMER  condemned  to  Death 129 

XXXI. — Harry  Gossimer's  Heroic  and  Thrilling 

Speech  before  they  drown  him 133 

XXXII. — Dr.  Juno  convicted,  imprisoned,  and  At- 
tempts made  to  poison  him 1C7 

XXXIIL— Dr.  Juno's  first  Sharp  shooting  Sermon 

ON  Ministers  and  Doctors 141 


CONTENTS.  7 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

XXXIV. — Pat    O' Conner   saves  Harry  Gossimer 

FROM  DROWNING  BUT  ARE  BOTH  ARRESTED   148 

XXXY. — Dr.  Juno's    Second  Startling  Sermon 

ON  Doctors  AND  Ministers 150 

XXXYL — The  Bloody  Conspirators  in  Fear,  and 

FIGHT  amongst  THEMSELVES 156 

XXXYII. — Dr.  Juno  again  in  THE  Insane  Asylum...  IGl 
XXXVIII. — Deacon  Stew  frantic  with  Delirium...  164 
XXXIX. — Nancy  Clover  makes  a  Master  Speech 

TO  the  Conspirators 167 

XL.— Dr.    Juno,    Pat    O' Conner,    and   Judy 

M'Crea  in  Private  Council 171 

XLI. — Dr.  Juno's    Stunning  Sermon  on    the 

Improvement  of  Church  and  State....  175 
XLII. — Dr.  Juno's  Scathing  Sermon  continued.  179 

XLIII. — The  Bloody  Conspirators  mobbed 183 

XLIV. — Dr.   Juno  informed  where  Lucinda  is 

imprisoned 187 

XLV. — Dr.  Juno  organizes  the  "  Secret  Order 

OF  Naturalists  " 191 

XL VI. — Lucinda  shoots    Deacon  Stew  in   her 

Cell  and  escapes 195 

XLVII. — Lucinda  is  re-arrested  before  she  es- 
capes   199 

XL VIII. — The  Bloody  Conspirators  in  Terrible 

Fear  op  Dr.  Juno 203 

XLIX. — Lucinda  doffs  the  Deacon's  Clothes 
and  threatens  to  shoot  the  Conspi- 
rators   207 

L. — The  Leading   Bloody  Conspirators  at 

Loggerheads 211 


8  CONTENTS.  , 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

LI. — Nancy  Clover  lecturing  Deacon  Stew 214 

LII. — LUCINDA  BITES   DeACON   StEW'S  EaR  NEARLY 

OFF  218 

LIII. — Dr.  Juno's  Stirring  Speech  to  the  "Se- 
cret Order  OP  Naturalists." 222 

LIV.— Dr.  Juno  mobs  the  Insane    Asylum    and 

FREES  LUCINDA 226 

LV. — Meeting  of  Victor  and  Lucinda  in  her 

Cell 229 

LVI. — Db.  Juno  offers  Amnesty  to  the  Conspi- 
rators   233 

LVII. — Lucinda  Free  and  at  her  own  Home  again.  236 
LVIIL — Pathetic  Interview  between  Lucinda  and 

Victor 240 

LIX. — Dr.  Juno  performs  a  Serious  Operation  on 

Deacon  Stew 243 

LX. — The  Bloody  Conspirators  bothered  and 

arrested 247 

LXI. — Love  Scene  between  Victor  and  Lucinda.  251 
LXIL— The  Fight  between  the  Naturalists  and 

Conspirators 255 

LXIII. — Dr.  Juno's  Conciliatory  and  Black  Flag 

Speech  to  the  Conspirators 259 

LXIV. — Conference  between  Dr.  Juno  and  Con- 
spirators    263 

LXY. — A  Pleasing   Interview  between  Victor 

AND  Lucinda 267 

LXVI. — Victor   and  Lucinda  visit   anp  restore 

Gen.  Armington 270 

LXVII. — Dr.  Juno's  Plans  laid  before  the  "  Secret 

Order  OP  Naturalists." 274 


CONTENTS.  9 

■    CHAPTER  PAGE 

LXVIII. — Efforts  to  arrest  Dr.  Juno  for  Riot 

AND  Murder 277 

LXIX. — Desperate  Efforts  of  Deacon  Stew  and 

Nancy  Clover 281 

LXX. — What  the  Newspapers  said  op  the  Riot.  284 
LXXI. — The  Editors  of  the  Conspirators'  News- 
papers    RECEIVE     Documents     asking 

them  to  LEAVE   THE  COUNTRY 290 

LXXII. — Futile  Efforts  to  arrest  Dr.  Juno — his 

Wedding  INSTEAD 293 

LXXIII.— Night  OP  the  Wedding— Dr.  Juno  shot..  295 
LXXIV. — All  the  Guests  examined,  and  the  Assas- 
sin DETECTED 298 

LXXV. — The  Attempted  Assassination  of  Dr. 
Juno  by  Nancy  Clover  caused  a  Ter- 
rible Public  Wrath 303 

LXXVI. — Dr.  Juno  and  Lucinda  Armington  mak- 
ing Love 305 

LXXVII. — Congress  mobbed  for  recognizing  God 

in  the  Constitution 309 

LXXVIII.— Dr.  Juno's  First  Great  War  Proclama- 
tion   313 

LXXIX.— Dr.  Juno's  Terrible  Army  Orders 315 

LXXX.— Retaliatory  Means  of  the  Conspirators' 

Army 319 

LXXXI. — Captured  Conspirators  shot  dead 323 

LXXXII. — The     Religious     Conspirators      dumb- 
founded    325 

LXXXIII. — Dr.  Juno  writes  to  his  Lucinda 329 

LXXXIV. — The  Fear  and  Distress  op  the  Conspira- 
tors    332 


10  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  PACE 

LXXXV. — Terrible  Battle  fought — Dr.   Juno 

SUOT   AND    LOST 335 

LXXXVI.— Miss  Armington  takes  the  Field  when 

SHE  FINDS  that  Dr.  JuNO  IS   GONE 338 

LXXXVII.— The  Trial  by  Court  Martial  op  Dr. 

Juno 343 

LXXXVIII.— The  Court  Martial  tries  Juno 340 

LXXXIX.— Hon,  Bluster  Gibbons'  Speech  before 

the  Court  Martial 352 

XC. — Dr.  Juno's  Great  Defiant  Defence...  356 

XCI. — The  Verdict  and  its  Effect 360 

XCII. — The  Shooting    of  Dr.   Juno  and  the 

Last  Battle 365 

XCIII. — Pathetic  Meeting  of  Victor  and  Lu- 

CINDA  after  THE   BaTTLE 369 

XCIV.— Dr.  Juno's  astounding  Peace  Procla- 
mation   373 

XCV. — Dr.  Juno,  with  his  Picked  Soldiers, 

BRANDS  the  PHARISEES 376 

XCVI. — Disposal  of  Nancy  Clover  and  Com- 
pany, AND  Preparation  for  the 
Marriage  op  Victor  and  Lucinda...,  380 

XCyiL— The  Wedding 385 

XCVIII. — Famine  and  Pestilence  come  to  the 

Aid  op  the  Naturalists 389 

XCIX.— The  New  Constitution 394 

C— Dawn  OP  the  Millennium 397 

Moral 400 

Dr.  Landis'  Reformatory  Enterprises 403 


THE  SOCIAL  WAK 

OF  THE  YEAR 

1900; 

OR, 

THE  CONSPIRATORS  AND  LOVERS ! 

CHAPTER  I. 

THE  HERO  RESCUES  THE  HEROIXE. 

N"  one  of  the  oldest  settlements  of  Pennsylvania, 
where  nature  has  developed  many  curious  phe- 
nomena, and  where  beautiful  mountains,  hills, 
groves  and  valleys  abound,  was  born,  in  an 
humble  Christian  family,  a  son  whose  goodness,  greatness 
and  peculiar  power  amongst  men  were  herculean.  This 
humble  but  heroic  son  of  toil  was  an  out-growth,  as  will  be 
seen  from  the  indomitable  passions,  love  and  barbarous 
cruelty  which  he  possessed. 

His  parents  were  uneducated,  though  sincerely  pious,  or- 
thodox, religious  people,  who  did  not  believe  in  education  ; 
therefore,  opposed  schooling,  deeming  hard  physical  labor 
and  devotion  to  gaining  an  honest  living  the  extent  of  their 
zeal  and  ambition  ;  however,  the  hero  of  our  plot  could  not 
and  would  not  see  things  in  this  light ;  but,  he  saw  a 
mirror  in  nature  which  overshadowed  the  valley  of  life 
and  death,  and  he  concluded  to  go  through  life  in  a  natu- 

11 


12  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

ral  manner,  enjoying  all  the  God-ordained  manifestations 
and  blessings,  or  tight  like  an  indomitable  fiend  to  win  the 
victory,  or  die  the  death  of  a  martyr  ! 

Victor  Juxo  was  a  God-loving  youth,  an  admirer  of 
the  beautiful,  the  natural;  a  lover  of  the  fair  sex,  an  admirer 
of  pristine  loveliness,  and  an  adorer  of  handsome  babies  ! 
lie  beheld  in  his  mind's  eye,  whilst  quite  a  youth,  what 
very  few  people  ever  see  during  a  lifetime,  namely  :  That 
all  the  world  is  a  stage,  and  all  the  men,  women  and  chil- 
dren simply  actors,  who  play  a  Farce,  Tragedy,  or  Cupid's 
Melo-Drama ! 

He  was  the  worshipper  of  the  latter ;  because,  he  looked 
upon  a  normal  or  godly  human  life  as  being  a  boon  that 
should  vouchsafe  unto  man  one  continual  round  of  pleas- 
ures, joys  and  delights,  hooped  together  by  a  living  love 
for  the  immutable  Creator  and  his  creatures,  Adams  and 
Eves  in  Eden  gladness,  surrounded  by  angels  and  baptized 
wath  talismanic  darts  of  celestial  love  ! 

To  him  such  a  world,  and  such  a  life,  was  worth  living 
and  dying  for  ;  and  he  despised  the  rational  creature  Avho 
could  not  aid  in  the  advancement  of  this  soul-enchanting 
and  body -beautifying  cause. 

In  his  childhood  he  sought,  by  day  and  by  night,  the 
means  whereby  the  hallowed  ends,  which  he  beheld  in  the 
mirror  of  nature,  could  be  attained.  Bred  and  reared 
amongst  the  illiterate  and  uncouth,  witli  no  opportunity 
to  obtain  a  necessarily  liberal  book  education,  he  strove  to 
obtain  from  nature  what  others  sought  in  collegiate 
tuition  ;  and  whilst  he  meditated  almost  continually  over 
the  wonderful  works  of  the  Creator,  he  became  the  more 
enamored  with  the  bountiful  goodness  of  the  beneficent 
Most  High,  and  beheld  in  the  normal  Elysium  of  Nature 
the  mirror  which  radiantly  illumined  the  soul  with  efful- 
gent joy  and  delight. 

To  the  high  blue  firmament  he  vowed  to  live  a  pure  and 
healthy  life,  eschewing  all  useless  and  injurious  habits, 
and  as  long  as  God  gave  him  breath,  he  should  not  cease 


THE   COXSPIRATOES   AXD    LOVERS.  13 

to  promulgate  and  agitate  the  fundamental  principles 
upon  which  humanity  must  depend  for  succor  and  sal- 
vation. 

Moved  by  intuition,  instead  of  man's  tuition,  he  grew 
up  to  manhood,  and  whilst  having  been  thrown  among  his 
fellows,  who  did  not  comprehend  nor  esteem  his  Cupid 
God,  he  saw  that  his  Elysium  of  Xature  was  beneath  par, 
and  that  his  life  most  surely  should  not  be  the  one  which 
he  saw  unfolded  to  his  senses  in  early  childhood,  as  the 
design  of  the  unchangeable  Creator  was  being  marred,  and 
all  living  human  creatures  were  acting  a  farce  or  tragedy, 
whereby  they  laid  traps  to  catch  each  other,  fearing  that 
by  being  too  natural  and  generous  they  might  become  too 
happy,  and  thereby  lose  the  boon  of  salvation. 

One  day,  as  our  hero  was  seatfed  by  the  road-side  of  the 
celebrated  Wissahickon,  suddenly  a  two-horse  equipage 
was  driven  along,  when  the  horses  took  fright,  ran  up  an 
embankment  and  upset  the  magnificent  coach.  Quick  as 
lightning  Victor  Juno  appeared  upon  the  spot,  when  he 
found  one  horse  lying  flat  on  his  side  and  kicking  with 
fury,  while  the  other  beast  stood  trembling  with  fright, 
the  coachman  was  lying  about  six  feet  aside  of  the  coach, 
and  all  that  he  saw  was  an  old  gray-bearded  sire's  face, 
who  was  entangled  somehow  under  the  upturned  equipage ; 
the  moment  he  saw  Victor  he  cried  vehemently  : 

"  Young  man,  for  God's  sake,  save  my  daughter  !  " 

Victor  Juno  being  very  courageous,  at  once  began  cut- 
ting the  harness  away  from  the  horses,  but  how  to  undo 
the  traces  of  the  kicking  horse,  without  help  from  any  one, 
was  more  than  mortal  strength  and  ingenuity  of  one  man 
could  accomplish  ;  however,  he  soon  contrived  to  so  en- 
tangle the  kicking  horse  in  the  lines,  that  one  foot  was 
fastened,  when  he  vigorously  grasped  the  other  foot  in  his 
herculean  hand,  and  held  it  whilst  he  leaned  gver  and  cut 
the  traces  ;  but,  just  as  he  did  so,  the  horse  sprang  to  his 
feet,  and  throwing  the  hero  about  twenty  feet  vigorously 
agamst  a  fence,  fractured  his  arm  and  scarified  his  hand- 


14  THE  SOCIAL    AVAR  OF    1900;   OR, 

some  face  severely.  The  horses  ran  furiously  away ; 
Victor  sprang  back  to  the  coach,  and  with  the  strength  of 
a  giant  rolled  the  equipage  aside,  wliich  relieved  the  sire ; 
but.  Oh  !  horror,  there  was  the  most  gloriously  beautiful 
daughter,  for  whom  the  sire  prayed  for  a  safe  deliverance, 
dead  to  all  appearances  ;  quickly  Victor  Juno  raised  her  to 
his  arms,  and  being  a  physician,  took  a  small  vial  from 
his  pocket,  and  placed  to  her  lips  a  few  drops  of  mifer- 
mented  vegetable  liquid,  which  immediately  caused  slight 
signs  of  life ! 

''Sire,"  cried  Victor  Juno,  "shall  I  take  the  liberty 
to  do  my  utmost— I  am  a  physician— to  restore  your 
daughter?" 

"  Ten  thousand  dollars  and  an  everlasting  indebtedness 
to  you,  sir,  for  her  restoration,"  responded  the  old  gentle- 
man. 

"I'll  save  her  without  dollars  or  indebtedness,  or  I  am 
not  a  normal  Naturalist,"  ejaculated  ^'ictor  Juno. 

The  hero  now  speedily  removes  the  jewels,  satins  and 
silks  from  her  swan-like  neck  and  Venus  chest,  and  applies 
his  powerfully  magnetic  hand  upon  the  nape  of  the  neck, 
and  centring  his  giant  will  into  liis  fingers,  sends  messen- 
gers of  grace  to  tlie  nervous  centre  of  the  prostrate  form 
of  the  loveliest  of  her  kind,  and  in  a  moment  Miss  Lucinda 
Armi<igton  opened  her  eyes,  and  gave  a  benignant  look 
into  the  fiery  and  heaven-inspired  eyes  of  our  hero ;  and 
thus  the  life  of  the  one  became  the  joy  and  resurrection  of 
the  other. 

Victor  Juno  was,  however,  considerably  embarrassed, 
when  he  found  the  long  souglit  idol  of  his  great  soul  lying 
in  his  arms,  with  her  beautiful  curly  dishevelled  hair  hang- 
ing over  her  bare  shoulders,  and  he  apologized  in  the  most 
affable  manner  possible  for  the  position  and  inopportune 
condition  in  which  he  found  her. 

She  said  :""  Where  am  I  V  " 

"  Here,  sound  and  safe,  in  the  hands  of  a  most  skilful 
physician,  my  darling  ! "  cried  the  father. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  15 

Victor  Juno  bowed  his  hiead  gracefully  in  acknowledg- 
ment of  this  compliment,  and  said  : 

"It  is  a  joy  to  serve  my  fellows,  and  more  particularly 
when  danger  threatens  the  pure  and  innocent  angels  of 
our  souls.  With  your  permission,  fair  lady,  I  will  now 
leave  you  for  a  few  minutes,  and  go  to  my  home  and  send 
my  coach  to  convey  you  to  comfortable  quarters." 


CHAPTEK  11. 

THE  SOLEMN   OATH  OF  THE  CONSPIRATORS. 


X  the  year  18 —  there  arose  in  the  city  of  Phila- 
delphia a  monstrous  agitation  and  strife  among 
the  Religious  Classes,  in  which  war,  to  the  hilt, 
was  carried  on  for  ten  or  twelve  months ;  but, 
finally  the  money-power  conquered,  the  orthodox  classes 
having  possession  of  the  filthy  lucre.  In  sootli,  the  same 
selfish  and  bigoted  spirit  that  makes  people  orthodox, 
makes  them  also  penurious  ;  because,  there  is  neither  pro- 
gression nor  generosity  in  orthodoxy,  tlierefore  these  kind 
of  people  believe  in  hoarding  up  and  retaining  their  hoard- 
ings, whether  in  stereotyped  religious  rites  or  lucre ; 
whilst,  on  the  other  hand,  the  progressive  and  generous 
thinkers  do  not  place  so  much  value  in  religious  ordi- 
nances nor  in  lucre,  hence,  become  poorer  in  purse  and 
selfishness,  but  richer  in  mind  and  spirit. 

The  leaders  of  a  similar  bloody  conspiracy,  that  is  now 
breeding,  consist  of  three  persons  :  Rob  Stew,  Joe  Pier  and 
INancy  Clover. 

Rob  Stew  is  a  man  of  robust  build,  with  a  smooth 
tongue,  whose  eye  can  sparkle  like  an  angel's  when  en- 
deavoring to  dupe  any  one,  but  flash  fire  and  fury  when 
cornered  or  disappointed.  He  is  what  the  New  Testament 
would  call  a  Judas  Iscariot,  a  viper,  scribe,  hypocrite  and 
Pharisee.    A  man  who  can  dissemble  and  adapt  himself  to 


16  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF    1900;   OR, 

any  kind  of  villany,  who  goes  about  praying  and  exhort- 
ing, claiming  to  be  a  chosen  vessel  of  the  Lord  !  A  domi- 
neering and  self-righteous  saint,  whose  exterior  humility 
deceives  thousands,  and  when  one  listens  to  his  pul)lic 
prayers  and  exhortations,  he  feels  as  though  brother  Stew 
really  was  a  holy  saint  without  blemish. 

It  is  probably  this  power  to  dissemble,  that  deceives  al- 
most every  one  who  conies  within  reach  of  his  influence, 
that  gives  him  an  immense  sovereignty  over  the  jieople. 
Nearly  every  one  who  knows  him,  or  knows  of  him,  believes 
Deacon  Stew  to  be  a  perfect  saint,  who  could  not  be  guilty 
of  any  evil  act ;  but,  as  we  pass  on,  it  will  be  shown  that 
he  has  two  sides,  one  of  which  is  well  hid  under  a  smooth 
exterior. 

Joe  Pier  is  a  very  finely  organized  man,  of  medimn 
size,  who  is  the  beloved  of  the  fair  sex,  a  minister  of  the 
gospel,  who  presides  over  the  former — Deacon  Stew — but 
who  is  nevertheless  the  submissive  tool  of  Rob  Stew. 

Rev.  Joe  Pier  has  many  refined,  tender  and  noble  feel- 
ings, but,  being  one  of  those  milk-and-water  creatures  who 
has  no  mind  of  his  own,  nor  enough  talent  to  succeed  in 
life  without  some  one  to  keep  him  stiff  in  the  back  bone, 
he  is  just  the  miserable,  though  useful,  instrument  in  the 
hands  of  a  Judas — like  Deacon  Rob  Stew — to  aid  in  prose- 
lyting millions  to  the  faith  of  blue-stocking  orthodoxy. 

Nancy  Clover  is  a  finely  formed  female,  of  profound 
talent  and  wheedling  capacity.  She  has  the  faculty  of 
LOVE  OF  POAVER  immensely  developed,  in  addition  to  a 
mountain  of  Self-conceit,  which  makes  her  bold  and  daunt- 
less. Moreover,  she  possesses  almost  a  talismanic  power 
to  make  every  one  fall  in  love  Avith  her,  whether  man  or 
woman,  and  she  always  plays  upon  the  lute-strings  of  af- 
fection of  those  whom  she  wishes  to  control,  before  she 
attempts  to  use  her  love  of  power  over  them.  Rev.  Joe 
Pier  deems  her  to  be  a  goddess,  and  even  old  Deacon  Stew 
is  under  her  gigantic  influence  ;  still,  the  latter  often  com- 
bats vehemently  with  sister  Clover,  and  whilst  the  charm- 


tHE   CONSPIRATORS   AXD    LOVERS.  17 

ing  sister  permits  tlie  saintly  Judas  to  frequently  digress 
from  the  even  path  of  orthodox  piety,  she  nevertheless  fre- 
quently, in  secret,  admonishes  him  until  he  feels  ashamed 
of  himself,  and  sister  Clover  well  knows  that  this  is  the 
only  way  to  hold  the  old  deacon  in  her  power  ;  for  it  must 
be  evident  to  any  one,  if  you  would  be  made  respect  a  per- 
son, you  must  look  up  to  such  a  one  ;  and  Xancy  Clover 
fully  understands  human  nature,  and  also  knows  how  to 
torture  and  hold  in  subjection  every  one  she  takes  a  mind 
to  wheedle. 

The  leading  conspirators,  in  company  with  a  few  of  the 
faithful,  are  now  in  private  conclave,  plotting  the  destruc- 
tion of  Victor  Juno's  influence  with  General  "Washington 
Armington,  the  millionaire  and  father  of  Miss  Luciuda 
Armington,  or,  if  it  be  necessary,  to  murder  him  privately ; 
at  any  rate  he  must  cease  the  agitation  of  his  Melo-dra- 
matic  reform,  or  the  orthodox  doctrines  will  lose  prestige 
with  the  people. 

They  met  in  Tabernacle  Hall  on  a  rainy  night,  Eev. 
•  Joe  Pier  in  the  chair.  After  the  meeting  was  called  to 
order.  Deacon  Rob  Stew  said  : 

''Mr,  President,  I  have  a  very  important  matter  to  lay 
before  you  this  evening,  which  requires  immediate  action 
without  fear  or  favor,  and  I  hope  that  the  brotherhood  is 
ready  to  use  any  means  to  accomplish  what  I  shall  have  to 
propose.  Should  there  be  any  chicken-hearted  brothers  or 
sisters  present,  I  move  that  they  be  expelled,  or  swear  re- 
newed allegiance  to  the  form  of  our  beloved  cause  " — 

Here  he  was  interrupted  by  a  surly  fellow,  who  disputed 
the  deacon's  right  to  btf  so  rigorous  and  mighty  as  to  de- 
mand the  expulsion  of  any  member  of  our  cause  for  the 
purpose  of  consummating  any  of  his  cherished  secret  plots, 
which  evidently  had  a  close  connection  with  the  love- 
scrape  he  had  with  Miss  Armington — 

"Stop,  Mr.  Grumbler,"  ejaculated  Deacon  Stew,  "  j'ou 
are  a  suspicious  and  faithless  fool,  who  is  not  to  be  trusted 
with  any  important  work  of  our  cause.  I  move,  Mr.  Presi- 
2 


18  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

dent — I  say,  eiiphatically,  Mr.  President— that  brother 
Grumbler  shall  at  once  leave  the  room,  or,  if  he  go  not 
voluntarily,  then  he  shall  be  expelled  by  force." 

"  1  will  leave  this  matter  to  the  majority  of  the  friends," 
said  the  President, 

Nancy  Clover  rose  to  the  floor  and  said :  "  Brothers,  I 
am  grieved  at  your  silly  conduct ;  are  we  not  a  unit,  does 
not  a  house  divided  against  itself  fall,  and  shall  we  (luarrel 
amongst  ourselves  whilst  a  dangerous  enemy  is  entering 
into  our  family,  who,  if  his  course  is  not  summarily 
checked,  will  destroy  our  influence  and  beloved  cause  en- 
tirely ?  I  repeat,  brothers,  as  you  love  one  anotlier  and 
our  common  and  holy  cause,  cease  these  worthless  bicker- 
ings and  remain  a  unit,  remembering  that  he  who  holds 
out  to  the  end  shall  be  saved." 

This  lofty  speech  of  so  good,  pure  and  faithful  a  disciple 
as  the  beautiful  sister,  had  a  tranquillising  effect,  and  the 
whole  membership  became  a  unit. 

"As  each  member  is  ready  to  act  his  part  in  the  contem- 
plated plot  of  our  worthy  deacon,  I  now  call  for  the  ques- 
tion and  plans  of  Deacon  Stew,"  said  the  President. 

The  deacon  arose  and  spoke  as  follows  : 

"  Beloved  saints,  our  cause  is  just  and  holy;  moreover, 
as  we  are  the  elect  and  chosen  vessels  of  the  Creator,  it 
behooves  us  to  use  any  means  to  keep  innovators  and  re- 
probates away  from  our  path.  Firsts  we  shall  use  moderate, 
but  effectual  means  ;  if,  however,  they  fail,  or  if  we  even  en- 
tertain a  doubt  of  failure^  we  shall,  secondly^  drive  the  bullet 
or  dagger  to  the  inner  recesses  of  the  heart  of  the  defiler 
of  tlie  brotlierhood. 

"There  is  a  man  in  our  midst  who  has  always  hold  sen- 
timents antagonistic  to,  and  dangerously  at  variance  with, 
our  common  and  holy  cause,  wlio  has  gained  great  influ- 
ence in  the  family  of  our  most  heroic  and  wealthy  co- 
laborer — I  mean  the  family  of  General  Armington. 

"  This  innovator,  by  .some  act  of  his,  has  obtained  access 
to  the  heart  and  home  of  the  general,  and  aims  to  obtain 


THE   COXSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  19 

the  hand  of  Miss  Lucinda  Armington,  which,  should  he  be 
successful,  would  ruin  our  peace,  comfort  and  safetj-  in 
all  time  to  come.  I  am  mformed  that  this  vile  umovator 
is  a  very  magnificent  looking  young  man,  who  can  pro- 
claim with  a  Demosthenic  tongue,  and  charm  even  the 
most  devoted  disciple  of  our  faith  ;  in  sooth,  he  has  already 
turned  the  heads  of  our  staunch  Armington  family,  there- 
fore Ave  are  compelled  to  work  very  cunningly  and  deeply, 
keeping  our  noble  and  heroic  general  in  the  dark  until  we 
contrive  some  mighty  plan  for  the  certain  ruination  of 
this  Victor  Juno— a  romantic  (?)  name  for  the  intended 
husband  of  Miss  Ai'mington. 

"  By  the  heaven  above  me — and  I  invoke  the  powers  that 
be  to  aid  me — I'll  trap  him,  and  make  him  rue  the  hour 
that  sent  him  to  set  his  foot  in  my  path  !  Brothers  and 
sisters,  do  you  comprehend  our  condition,  and  do  you 
swear  renewed  allegiance  to  our  cause  and  the  work  I  pro- 
pose V  If  so,  say,  each  one  of  you,  I  will,  and  raise  your 
left  hand  toward  heaven,  whilst  you  place  your  right  hand 
upon  your  beating  heart,  and  pronounce  the  following 
solemn  Avords  after  me  ;  repeating  each  his  or  her  o\aii  name : 

"I,  Rob  Stew,  solemnly  swear  to  keep  perfectly  secret 
all  the  plans,  acts  and  operations  of  the  cause  of  our  saint- 
hood, and  should  I  divulge  anything  or  neglect  to  do  the 
portion  of  work  assigned  me,  I  agree  to  have  my  upraised 
(left)  hand  burned  into  cinders ;  my  right  hand,  which 
now  clasps  my  beating  heart,  cut  into  fragments,  and  my 
heart  torn  out  by  its  roots  ;  moreover,  should  I  fail  to  do 
as  before  stated,  I  hope  to  have  my  soul  cast  into  outer 
darkness,  where  there  shall  be  weeping,  wailing  and  gnash- 
ing of  teeth  forever,  and  wliere  the  devil  and  his  boon  as- 
sociates shall  hiss  at  m*e,  and  pour  pestiferous  reptiles, 
with  envenomed  darts,  upon  my  sensibilities,  lashing  and 
torturing  me  beyond  the  expression  of  language  !  This  do 
I  voluntarily  swear,  and  hope  for  no  other  destiny  should 
I  fail  in  the  fulfilment  of  each  part  of  our  sacred  covenant. 
So  help  me  God  1 


20  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"Brethren  and  sisters  of  tlie  sacred  tie,  you  have  re- 
newed your  vows,  and  I  can  now  confide  my  bloody  plans 
to  your  heads  and  hands  ;  therefore,  we  shall  at  once  dis- 
patch this  sacrilegious  innovator,  whose  very  name  curdles 
my  blood,  and  fits  me  to  do  such  bitter  business  as  would 
cause  the  devil  to  quake  !  " 


CHAPTER  III. 

DEACON  STEW  RAVES  AT  LUCINDA'S  LOVE  FOR  VICTOR. 

IICTOR  JUNO,  after  arriving  at  his  home,  dis- 
covered tliat  his  right  arm  was  excruciatingly 
painful.  He  dispatched  his  coach  to  the  spot 
where  the  dreadful  accident  happened  to  Gene- 
ral Washington  Armington  and  his  lovely  daughter,  Lu- 
cinda,  requesting  his  coacluuan  to  serve  them  to  their 
liking,  and  telling  the  latter  to  make  an  apology  to  them 
for  not  accomi»anying  the  coach,  as  unavoidable  circum- 
stances prevented  his  attendance  at  that  moment. 

He  sent  for  a  brother  physician,  who  discovered  a  ne- 
glected compound  fracture  of  Victor's  arm,  which  was 
already  swollen  to  alarming  dimensions,  and  lest  he  in- 
stantly retired  to  bed,  mortification  might  end  his  days 
suddenly ;  notwithstanding  this  most  painful  condition, 
which  was  brought  about  through  the  humanitarian  act 
of  saving,  and  restoring  to  life,  the  angelic  form  of  a  crea- 
ture whose  very  existence  was  a  gigantic  balm  of  Gilead  to 
the  lacerated  body  of  our  hero,  and,  in  a  half  delirious 
state  of  mind,  he  felt  like  leaping  mountains  to  raise  pros- 
trate female  forms,  and  to  become  l)lessed  with  hymeneal 
joys  of  the  most  glorious  character  ;  but,  his  imagination 
soon  forsook  him,  and  a  raging  fever,  accompanied  by  the 
most  violent  deadly  delirium,  ensued,  which  lasted  a  fort- 
night. 
It  may  be  interesting  to  learn,  that  Victor  Juno  was  a 


THE   COXSPIRATOES   AND    LOVERS.  21 

perfectly  sound  man  of  magnificently  formed  dimensions, 
erect  in  stature,  six  feet  in  liis  stockings,  and,  iu  fact,  he 
was  almost  god-like  in  every  feature. 

His  face  was  of  the  Roman  cast,  with  a  most  happy  and 
indomitably  energetic  and  affectionate  disposition.  He 
possessed  a  full,  round  and  well  proportioned  forehead, 
with  eyes  black  and  like  sparkling  diamonds  ;  nose,  mouth, 
chin,  cheeks  and  complexion  in  the  image  of  God,  or  after 
the  acme  of  perfection,  tlie  whole  central  globe  of  the  soul 
surrounded  with  hyperion  curls,  which  hung  gracefully 
over  the  superbly  shaped  head,  and  his  trunk  and  extremi- 
ties harmonized  with  these  features. 

Victor  Juno  had  many  warm  friends,  although  there 
were  few  who  dared,  in  such  perilous  sectarian  iimes^  stand 
by  him  openly,  which  he  regretted  very  much  ;  but  yet  he 
was  most  hopeful  of  living  down  all  opi)Osition,  and  con- 
quering every  element  of  strife.  However  kind,  loving 
and  generous  he  was  toward  friend  and  foe,  he  possessed 
the  faculty  of  hardening  his  manly  heart  toward  every- 
body, if  such  was  necessary  to  gain  a  natural  end. 

He  reasoned  thus: — "What  would  it  profit  a  man  if  he 
gained  the  whole  world  and  lost  his  own  soul  ;  his  own 
manhood  and  self-respect ;  and  why  should  not  we  be  wil- 
ling to  sacrifice  the  few,  and  the  good  of  the  fe^v,  for  the 
many,  and  for  the  improvement  of  the  race  of  mankind  ; 
for  the  perpetual  good  of  a  god-like  and  fixed  law-abiding 
race  ?  "  Our  hero  was  truly  a  man,  and  we  fear  we  shall  not 
look  upon  his  like  again  ;  he  loved  the  sinner,  but  despised 
his  erroneous  ways ;  he  would  not  prosecute  any  one  for 
money  and  worldly  glory,  but  would  slay  millions  for  jus- 
tice and  principle,  and  he  tauglit  as  one  having  authority, 
ar>d  rot  as  the  scribes,  hypncritps.  or  pharispos. 

The  Aveakest  point  of  his  character,  to  live  amongst 
hauglity  sinners,  was  his  wonderful  benevolence,  wliich 
mused  him  to  confide  too  much  in  what  people  said, — he 
believec!  everybody  was  honest,  like  himself,  until  he  b^d 
gone  throusU  tLc  iicry  ordeal  of  martyrdom,  when  he 


22  THE   SOCIAI.   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

turned  his  heart  into  adamant,  and  treated  everybody  as  a 
vii)er  and  hypocrite.  But,  notwithstanding  all  his  doubts 
and  suspicions  of  adults,  he  had  a  never-failing  faith  in 
nature  and  nature's  God,  and  looked  always  lovingly  and 
confidingly  to  little  children  ;  for,  said  he  often,  of  such  is 
the  kingdom  of  heaven. 

This  latter  quality  still  proved  that  the  man  was  a  genu- 
ine naturalist,  who  lost  nothing  by  the  storms  through 
which  he  had  passed  ;  but  yet  he  lost  faith  in  adults,  whilst 
he  continued  to  cherish  the  pure  and  innocent  of  God's 
heritage. 

The  family  physician  of  Victor  Juno  had  his  doubts 
about  the  recovery  of  our  hero,  until  the  second  week, 
when  his  symptoms  seemed  to  become  more  favorable  ;  at 
this  time  General  Armington  had  learned  for  the  first 
time  that  the  saviour  of  his  daughter's  life  was  lying  in  a 
dangerous  condition,  which  was  caused  by  the  herculean 
and  humanitarian  efforts  the  noble  Victor  made  in  behalf 
of  the  family  of  the  general ;  when  the  latter  instantly  re- 
paired to  the  home  of  the  delirious  man,  and  asking  it  as 
a  particular  favor  to  see  the  hero,  was,  by  special  favor, 
admitted  to  his  bedside,  when,  in  apparent  agony,  he  Avas 
compelled  to  listen  to  the  recital  of  the  love  he  bore,  and 
pain  he  underwent,  for  the  daughter  of  General  Armington 
on  the  occasion  of  the  accident. 

Tlie  general  at  once  desired  to  render  any  assistance  in 
his  power  to  alleviate  the  precarious  and  painful  state  of 
Victor  Juno. 

The  nurse  thanked  tlie  general,  but  said  that  his  physi- 
cian did  all  for  him  tliat  was  possible,  and  ho  thouglit  that 
a  change  for  the  better  was  apparent,  at  least  so  said  the 
skilful  doctor  a  few  hours  pi'evious. 

The  general  returned  to  his  home  to  his  daughter,  who 
was  also  lying  on  a  bed,  suffering  of  severe  nervous  pros- 
tration, and  who  should  be  sitting  by  Miss  Lucinda  Ar- 
mington's  bedside  but  Deacon  Eob  Stew,  who  clid  his 
utmost  to  exaoit  and  encourage  the  lair  damsel,  who  was 
the  apple  of  his  evil  eye. 


THE   COiS'SPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  23 

General  Armington  related,  all  he  had  seen  at  Victor 
Juno's  bedside  in  the  hearing  of  his  daughter  and  Deacon 
Stew.  The  latter  sat  with  eyes  and  mouth  wide  open, 
however,  with  a  distressed  look  on  his  face,  and  upon  close 
inspection  by  an  expert,  it  would  have  shown  that  a  fiendish 
expression  passed  spasmodically  over  his  harrowed  phiz, 
wliilst  he  observed  witla  what  great  interest,  grief  and  sin- 
cere sorrow  Miss  Armington  listened  to  the  story  that  her 
father  was  relating. 

The  deacon  saw  that  betimes  Miss  Armington  was  en- 
chanted, especially  when  the  father  related  what  Victor 
Juno  said  of  his  daughter's  rescue  ;  whilst,  on  the  other 
hand,  she  looked  downcast  when  her  father  spoke  of  Vic- 
tor's dangerous  condition.  The  deacon — Judas-like — liid 
his  feelings  thoroughly  from  the  gaze  of  either  the  general 
or  his  daughter ;  the  latter,  however,  always  felt  uncom- 
fortable in  the  presence  of  Deacon  Stew ;  in  fact,  she 
despised  the  man,  but  after  all  respected  him  on  account 
of  his  high  position  in  their  church,  as  also  for  his  religious 
graces. 

After  carefully  listening  to  the  general's  recital  of  what 
occurred,  as  well  as  to  the  praises  which  General  Arming- 
ton gave  in  behalf  of  the  noble  Victor  Jimo,  the  deacon 
said  in  the  most  solemn  manner  : 

"General,  I  am  deeply  grieved  at  the  sad  story  of  this 
young  physician,  as  well  as  being  sorrowful  to  find  your 
noble  daughter  sick  after  such  a  providential  escape ;  it  is 
my  heartfelt  prayer  that  all  may  come  right  very  speedily, 
and  I  hope  it  will  " — 

"  Thank  you,"  interrupted  ]SIiss  Armington.  "  I  am  sure 
the  excellent  young  gentleman  who  has  been  so  brave  and 
unselfish  Avill  soon  be  restored  to  health,  for  God  would 
not  permit  such  a  noble  benefactor  to  pass  away  so  early, 
Avliilst  he  is  capacitated  to  do  mountains  of  generous  acts 
toward  his  fellows." 

"  Daughter,  I  am  delicrlited  to  liear  you  express  yourself 
so  gratefully  and  kindly  toward  this  heroic  gentleman,  for 


24  THE   SOCIAL    WAR    OF    1900;    OR, 

you  seldom  have  anything  favorable  to  say  of  the  male 
gender,"  responded  General  Armington. 

To  these  sentiments  the  deacon  ironically  replied  :  "Cer- 
tainly Miss  Armington  could  not  well  feel  otherwise 
toward  a  man  who  saved  her  life,  for  he  must  be  a  brave 
and  worthy  (V)  creature." 

"  Thanks,  Deacon  Stew,"  she  said.  "  I  am  not  ungrate- 
ful ;  moreover,  dear  father,  I  feel  that  we  should  employ 
the  best  medical  talent  to  save  Mr.  Juno  from  a  tedious 
and  protracted  illness." 

"You  are  very  thoughtful,  my  darling,"  responded  the 
parent.  "  I  think  the  deacon  is  about  the  best  judge  who 
is  skilful  in  the  medical  profession ;  moreover,  brother 
Stew,  you  would  be  the  ablest  man  to  select  a  good,  pious 
doctor,  as  I  believe  greatly  in  the  virtue  of  grace,  which 
you  know  must  be  attended  Avith  heavenly  results." 

"General,  your  wisdom,  and  Christian  worth  and  valor 
charm  me,  and  whilst  you  were  speaking,  my  mind  was 
directed  to  a  plan,  or  rather  to  a  very  eminent  Christian 
physician,  who  never  fails  in  the  fulfilment  of  anything 
he  undertakes  ;  that  is,  if  it  is  in  the  power  of  sinful  mor- 
tal to  perform,"  responded  the  jealous  and  hypocritical 
deacon. 

CHAPTER  IV. 

PAT  O'COKNER  BLARNEYS  THE  DEACON. 

ilHILST  Deacon  Rob  Stew  was  conjuring  up  a  lot 
of  shrewd  deviltry,  and  prejiaring  himself  to 
win  to  his  heart  the  fine  Lady  Armington,  an- 
other scene  Avas  being  enacted  in  the  house  of 
General  "Washington  Armington. 

Pat  O'Conner,  a  peculiar  disciple  of  the  Roman  Catholic 
Faith,  was  conspiring  with  Judy  McCrea,  both  servants  to 
General  Armington.  who  hated  Deacon  Rob  Stew  with  a 
bitter  hatred  ;  and  their  cunning  plots  to  oust  his  deacon- 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  25 

ship  were  novel,  and  proved  equally  effectual  when  the 
time  arrived  for  the  f ullilment  of  their  conniving. 

As  Deacon  Stew  was  preparing  to  leave  the  bedside  of 
Miss  Lucinda  Armington,  Judy  McCrea  was  relating  to 
Pat  O 'Conner  what  a  fancy  tlie  deacon  had  taken  to  her 
young  lady,  stating  that  Miss  Lucinda  despised  the  old 
hypocrite,  when  the  following  dialogue  was  held  between 
the  twain  : 

"  Och !  Judy,  darlin',  an'  ye  mane  that  dirty  ould  black- 
gard  is  in  luv  wid  the  purty  Miss  Armington  V"  said  Pat 
O 'Conner. 

"An'  share  I  do,"  responded  Judy  McCrea. 

"Be  me  sowl,  I'll  trap  'im,  the  squally  old  hypocret," 
said  Pat. 

"  What  will  ye  do  to  him,  darlin'  Pat  ?  Be  kereful  of 
yerself,  for  the  masther  belaves  him  to  be  a  parfect  saint," 
replied  Judy. 

"  Och,  and  ye  nivir  mind,  but  sind  the  ould  curmudgon 
through  the  side  doore,  whin  I'll  plaster  his  nist  for  him. 
Mark,  you  kape  dark  on  the  matter,"  said  Pat. 

"  I'll  do  it,"  responded  Judy,  and  passed  toward  the  bed- 
chamber of  Miss  Armington  ;  and  who  should  she  meet 
but  the  general  and  the  deacon,  on  their  way  to  the 
library. 

They  conversed  for  a  moment,  when  Judy  McCrea  re- 
paired to  the  library  door  and  knocked,  and,  upon  being 
asked  in,  she  said,  that  Miss  Lucinda  desired  her  fatlier  to 
go  to  her  as  soon  as  possible,  when  tlie  deacon  was  shown 
out  by  Judy  through  tlie  side  door,  where  another  hypo- 
crite— the  faithful  coachman,  Pat  O'Conner — was  busily 
at  work,  who  placed  himself  in  such  a  position  as  to  acci- 
dentally run  against  the  deacon  whilst  the  latter  turned 
the  corner  of  the  house.  Pat  knocked  the  pious  deacon 
under  his  chin,  with  the  top  of  his-head,  sending  the  lover 
of  Miss  Armington  reeling  like  a  lightning-struck  bull ; 
and  no  sooner  had  the  deacon  recovered  his  balance  than 
Pat  humbly  apologized ; 


26  THE   SOCIAL    WAR  OF    1900;   OR, 

"Och,  murdher,  yev  honor,  and  I  didn't  mane  to  do  it ; 
will  ye  pUize  to  pardon  an  awkward  Irishman  ?  I  whas  a 
pulle'n  up  a  big  shtone  out  of  the  ground,  whui  I  slipt,  and 
fallen,  struck  yer  honor,"  said  Pat. 

"■  I  will  pardon  you  for  what  you  could  not  help  doing," 
replied  the  deacon. 

"  Tanks,  meny  tanks ;  but,  yer  honor,  how  have  ye 
found  Miss  Armington  V  "  said  Pat. 

"  Very  much  better,  Pat,"  responded  the  deacon. 

"  Yer  honor,  plaze,  if  ye  should  not  consider  me  imper- 
tinent, I  could  tell  yesomethin'  ye  ought  fur  to  know," 
said  Pat. 

"  Certainly,  I  would  not  consider  it  impertinent  for  you 
to  tell  me  what  I  ought  to  know ;  but,  I  would  be  very 
grateful  to  you  for  telling  me,  and  if  it  is  of  any  value  to 
me,  I  would  cheerfully  compensate  you  for  it,"  replied 
the  deacon. 

"  Yer  honor,  plaze  do  not  mention  compensation,  fur  I 
would  sarve  ye  charefully,  if  I  tought  ye  would  kape  it  a 
sacret,"  said  Pat,  humiliatingly. 

"  Most  certainly  I  shall  keep  anything  secret  that  you 
propose  to  tell  me  as  confidential ;  but  what  is  it  you  have 
to  tell  me,  I  am  anxious  to  know  it  V  "  ejaculated  the  deacon. 

"  I  will  tell  yer  honor,  if  ye  tink  it  not  too  bould  an' 
foolish  ;  and  if  yer  honor  do  hould  it  as  silly,  what  I  shall 
tell  ye,  an'  ye  will  still  kape  it  sacret — will  ye  ?  "  said  Pat, 
looking  sheepish. 

Tlie  deacon  responded  impatiently:  "Pat,  I  have  told 
you  before,  that  I  would  not  divulge  your  secret,  so  speak 
it  out  like  a  good  man,  without  hesitation." 

"  We-U,  yer  lionor,  I  have  larned  lately  that  the  Miss 
Lucinda  Armington  bees  desparately  in  luv  wid  ye,  an' 
she  bees  ;  yer  honor  will  kape  me  sacret,  will  ye  V  "  stam- 
mered Pat. 

"  Yes,  yes,  most  profoundly  secret ;  go  on,  and  finish 
what  you  have  to  say,"  almost  furiously  ejaculated  Deacon 
Stew. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  27 

"  On  me  sowl,  ye  will  kape  yer  own  counsel  on  this  mat- 
ter ?  "  mumbled  Pat. 

"Patricia,  you  insult  me  by  your  prevarication;  speak 
straight  out,  and  don't  be  silly,"  said  the  deacon. 

"I  will,  yer  honor  ;  an'  do  ye  tink  it,  Miss  Armington 
bees  in  great  dishtress  becase  ye  do  not  axe  her  to  marry 
yeV"  said  Pat. 

"  I  am  confounded  with  delight,"  meditated  the  deacon, 
and  continued  aloud : 

"  Pat,  how  do  you  know  all  this  ?    Who  told  you  ?  " 

"  Och,  an'  don't  me  darlin,  Judy  McCrea,  tell  me  awl 
aboot  it ;  yis,  an'  what's  more,  the  ould  gintleman  wants 
his  daughter  to  set  her  cap  fur  that  Mr.  Juno  chap,  what 
has  saved  me  young  lady  whin  me  horses  runned  away  wid 
me,  an'  almost  killed  us  all.  Now,  yer  honor,  that  young 
man  bees  a  grate  man  in  the  eyes  of  the  gineral,"  said 
Pat. 

"Curse  that  Juno, "  meditated  the  deacon,  and  mildly 
asked  Pat : 

"  Do  you  think  Miss  Armington  loves  Mr.  Juno  ?  " 

"  Well,  yer  honor,  ye  must  know  that  she  luv  yer  honor  ; 
but  then  she  be  a  fathful  daughter  ;  an'  should  the  gineral 
persist  in  the  incouragment  of  Mr.  Juno,  she  might  turn 
her  aifectins  from  ye  to  him,"  said  Pat. 

The  deacon  was  almost  frantic  with  delight  about  Miss 
Armington  loving  him  at  last ;  but,  again,  he  was  in  agony 
about  the  general  being  favorable  to  this  infernal  Victor 
Juno.  In  sooth,  the  Irishman's  conjuring  proved  eifectual 
in  creating  in  the  deacon  renewed  ambition  to  gain  the 
hand  of  Miss  Armington,  whilst  his  determination  to  de- 
stroy Victor  Juno  was  becoming  more  desperate. 


28  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

CHAPTER   V. 
THE  BLOODY  COXSPIRATORS  POISON  VICTOR  JUXO. 

E  shall  now  be  necessitated  to  go  back  to  Taber- 
nacle Hall,  on  the  rainy  night,  where  the  bloody 
conspirators  were    laying   their  first   plans  to 
destroy  Victor  Juno's  influence  with  General 
AVashington  Armington  and  family. 

It  will  be  remembered  that  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  Rev.  Joe 
Pier  and  Nancy  Clover  were  the  leaders  of  the  sectaiian 
ring,  who  had  sufficient  influence,  cunning  and  craft  to 
wield  whatever  power  they  saw  fit  to  exercise  over  the 
orthodox  religious  classes  of  all  denominations ;  for  it 
must  be  again  remembered,  that  although  sectarian  deno- 
minations seem  to  hate  each  other,  nevertheless,  when 
any  innovator  attacks  one  sect,  or  part  of  a  sect  or  its 
tenets,  they  are  all  a  unit  to  subdue  and  quiet  the  ag- 
gressor. 

Deacon  Stew — whose  blood  had  curdled  in  his  veins,  on 
account  of  Victor  Juno  having  gained  access,  and  a  most 
dangerous  hold  upon  the  affections  of  General  Armington, 
who  already  had  urged  his  daughter  to  receive  the  atten- 
tions of  this  rude  innovator,  and  as  the  deacon  was  him- 
self convinced  from  what  he  saw  with  his  own  eyes  at  the 
bedside  of  Miss  Lucinda  Armington,  Avhen  her  father  re- 
lated what  he  had  seen  at  Mr.  Juno's  house,  called  for 
vigorous  action,  tlierefore — ])roposed  that  one  of  the 
most  trustworthy  physicians  Ijelonging  to  tlie  cause  be  ap- 
prised of  the  necessity  to  attend  instantly  at  Tabernacle 
llall,  to  receive  instructions  to  attend  tl.is  Mr.  Juno  in 
consultation  with  the  family  physician  of  iilr.  Jimio,  at  the 
request  of  General  Washington  Armington  and  his  ami- 
able daughter  Lucinda. 

The  president.  Rev.  Joe  Pier,  said:  "Beloved  saints, 
ws  cci'tai:.ly  iiavc  aidiicuo  duties  to  perform,  ;iud  they  are 


THE   CONSPIEATORS   AND    LOVERS.  29 

of  such  a  character  as  to  cause  me  to  tremble  in  my  boots, 
unless  the  most  zealous  followers  of  the  craft  are  selected 
to  enact  the  work  now  in  contemplation  ;  I  should  be 
happj'-  to  hear  the  plan  of  operation  laid  before  this  meet- 
ing by  Deacon  Stew,  whilst  Mr.  Grumbler  will  be  dis- 
patched to  summon  either  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  or  Dr.  Lewis 
Williams  to  come  with  him  instantly  to  this  hall." 

Deacon  Stew  took  the  floor,  and  said:  "It  gives  me 
much  joy  to  be  able  to  propose  an  effectual  plan  for  the 
speedy  and  safe  removal  of  that  enemy  to  God's  elect.  I 
have  been  chosen  by  General  Armington  to  select  a  physi- 
cian for  this  man,  .Juno,  and  if  we  can  induce,  with  perfect 
safety,  either  of  the  physicians,  whom  our  worthy  president 
just  sent  for,  to  slyly  administer  some  fatal  drug  to  this 
great  admirer  of  heathendom,  I  am  convinced  that  our 
task  will  be  easy,  sure  and  sound. 

"Whilst  the  brother  physicist  is  in  consultation  with 
Mr.  Juno's  family  doctor,  he  must  evince  a  monstrous 
anxiety  to  restore  the  sick  man  speedily  ;  and  propose,  that 
if  his  prayers  and  attentions  will  do  anything  toward  sav- 
ing him,  nothing  shall  lack  on  his  part  to  accomplish  the 
work  of  convalescence.  Moreover,  the  entire  religious 
brotherhood,  sisters  included,  should  be  exhorted  to  pray 
for  the  restoration  of  the  worthy  hero  who  saved  the  lives 
of  General  Armington  and  daughter ;  and  the  members 
shall  be  solicited  to  call  upon  Mr.  Juno  continually,  and 
be  thankful  to  God  that  this  noble  youth  had  the  courage 
to  save  the  beloved  brother  Armington  and  daughter, 
whilst,  of  course,  tliey  will  lament  this  sickness,  that  was 
caused  by  this  generous  act  of  Victor  Juno. 

"  Beloved  saints,  it  is  always  wise  and.  better  to  pray 
much,  long  and  often  in  public,  as  it  shuts  up  the  eyes 
completely  of  many  worldlings,  and,  in  fact,  makes  some 
or  most  of  our  own  members,  and  other  Christians,  more 
respectful  to,  and  confiding  in  us." 

Sister  Nancy  Clover  rose  and  spoke  as  follows :  "  The  noble 
and  indomitable  brother  Kob  Stew  has  given  us  all  that 


30  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

could  be  desired,  even  from  an  angel ;  therefore,  I  rise  to 
say  amen  to  it  all,  and  may  the  power  that  always  shields 
the  elect  stand  by  and  see  this  holy  work  speedily  exe- 
cuted " — 

A  knock  at  the  door  interrupted  the  sister,  and,  upon 
opening  it,  Mr.  Grumbler  and  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  stood  ready 
to  walk  in  and  take  seats. 

The  president  said:  "Brother  Fancy,  we  are  delighted 
to  see  you  with  us  upon  such  short  notice." 

"At  your  service,  brethren,"  responded  the  doctor. 
"  What  is  your  pleasure  V  " 

"  Dear  doctor,  we  have  a  most  important  little  job  for 
you,  wdiich  requires  perfect  secresy  and  great  shrewdness. 
Our  worthy  president  has  selected  you  as  the  most  trust- 
worthy and  able  physician  of  the  brotherhood  to  do  what 
has  been  planned  by  us,"  said  Deacon  Stew. 

"  Brethren,  I  am  highly  complimented,  and  I  assure  our 
most  excellent  president  that  I  appreciate  his  confidence, 
which  he  has  so  liberally  placed  in  the  skill  and  trust- 
worthiness of  my  humble  self,  and  I  assure  him  that,  if  it 
is  in  my  power,  I  shall  perform  whatever  task  is  assigned 
me.    So  help  me  God  !  "  responded  Dr.  T.  Fancy. 

"May  the  blessing  of  heaven  continually  abide  with  so 
faithful  a  disciple,"  said  the  president,  and  continued: 
"  Deacon  Stew  will  give  you  your  instructions  privately, 
and  should  you  refuse  to  comply,  after  listening  to  the  re- 
quirements demanded  of  you,  I  shall  be  happy  to  learn 
your  objections,  and  whether  you  accept  it  or  not,  you  are 
sworn  to  secresy  until  death." 

"Certainly,  your  reverence,"  said  the  doctor. 

"Deacon  Stew  will  now  conduct  the  doctor  into  the 
ante-room,  and  explain  his  work,"  commanded  the  pious 
Reverend  and  Fresident  Joe  Fier. 

The  deacon  related  to  Dr.  Fancy  what  the  reader  already 
knows,  only  lie  exaggerated  everything,  and  got  the  doctor 
to  swear  particular  allegiance  to  Mm  in  this  work  of  dev- 
iltry; fearing  that  he  probably  might  need  him  to  dose 


THE   COXSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  31 

Miss  Lucinda  Armington  for  the  purpose  of  bringing  her 
to  terms  of  connubial  submission,  sliould  any  part  of  his 
programme  fail. 

The  doctor  seemed  to  be  highly  pleased  with  all  that  the 
deacon  proposed,  and  showed  himself  as  one  of  the  most 
ambitious  disciples  of  the  elect  to  purge  the  brotherhood 
of  all  innovators  ;  because,  allopathic  physicians  are  hand 
in  glove  with  orthodox  saints. 

The  doctor  was  conducted  by  the  deacon  to  General 
Armington 's  house,  but  was  told  that  the  latter  must  be 
in  total  ignorance  of  the  plans  in  consideration  ;  the  gene- 
ral received  him  kindly,  and  at  once  offered  to  conduct 
him  to  Victor  Juno's  residence  and  bedside,  whilst  Deacon 
Rob  Stew  was  to  summon  Victor's  family  doctor  to  meet 
him  forthwith. 

A  consultation  was  soon  held,  when  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  so- 
licited to  be  ordered  by  the  family  physician  to  remain  that 
night  with  the  sick  man,  as  the  latter  must  be  worn  out ; 
for  this  great  kindness  the  family  doctor  was  truly  grate- 
ful ;  however,  he  deemed  his  patient  much  better,  now 
being  conscious  of  all  that  transpired,  yet  Victor  was  very 
feeble  and  dangerously  ill. 

Dr.  Toy  Fancy  returned  to  his  own  office,  and  prepared 
a  slow  poison,  which  he  took  with  him  in  the  evening  for 
the  purpose  of  administering  portions  of  it  to  Victor  Juno 
during  the  night. 

CHAFTER  VI. 

THE  SERPENT  AT  LUCIKDA'S  BEDSIDE. 

ISS  LUCIXDA  ARMIJ^'GTON  was  a  beautiful 
young  lady,  of  medium  size  ;  she  had  heavenly 
blue  eyes,  a  brow  like  an  angel ;  and  altogether 
the  face  of  a  seraph. 
Her  form  was  slender,  but  magnificently  cut ;  a  bust  of 
wonderful  symmetry,  and  beautiful  arms  and  hands.    Her 


.32  THE   SOCIAL   WAR    OF    1900;    OR, 

hair  chestnut  brown,  and  beautifully  curly ;  whilst  her  dis- 
position was  of  that  benevolent  and  frank  character  which 
would  curl  or  entwine  itself  around  every  one,  of  either 
sex,  who  came  in  contact  with  the  fair  damsel.  She  loved 
tlie  beautiful  in  nature,  and  adored  gentlemen  who  were 
governed  by  principle,  instead  of  policy. 

In  other  words,  she  was  the  fac  simile  of  Victor  Juno  in 
sentiment  and  spirit. 

After  she  had  learned  of  the  deep  interest  that  Victor 
Juno  took  in  her ;  his  unselfish  acts  in  rescuing  her  and 
her  father  ;  and  when  she  knew  that  he  suffered  so  excru- 
ciatingly on  her  account,  she  seemed  to  get  well  almost  at 
once. 

She  said  to  her  father,  a  few  days  after  his  recital  of  the 
condition  in  which  he  found  the  young  hero  : 

"  Father,  why  should  not  I  be  equally  brave  and  deter- 
mined to  save  Victor  Juno's  life  as  he  was  to  save  mine  ?  " 

"  My  darling,  I  should  be  pleased  to  see  you  use  every 
effort  to  do  so,"  responded  the  father. 

The  day  that  General  Armington  accompanied  Dr.  Toy 
Fancy  to  Victor  Juno's  house.  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  after 
sending  his  servant  for  Victor's  family  doctor,  went  to 
visit  ]\Iiss  Lucinda  Armington,  and  said  : 

"  Miss  Lucinda,  I  hope  you  are  pleased  with  my  selection 
of  a  physician  for  your  courageous  (V)  young  saviour — I 
mean  Mr.  Juno."  Almost  sneeringly  and  savagely  he  ut- 
tered these  words,  which  caused  Miss  Armington  to  start 
and  ejaculate  : 

"  Deacon,  I  am  very  much  Indebted  to  you  for  going  to 
so  much  trouble  ;  had  I  known  that  it  would  have  incon- 
venienced you  so  much,  I  should  not  have  spoken  of  a 
physician  in  your  presence,  as  I  did,  then  father  would  not 
have  thought  of  burdening  you  to  select  an  eminent 
doctor." 

"  My  dear  Miss  Lucinda,  you  do  not  understand  me  ;  I 
have  not  said,  nor  felt,  it  was  the  least  trouble  to  serve 
you,  or  this  young  gentleman ;  but,  when  I  spoke,  an  idea, 


THE   CONSPIKATORS   AND    LOVERS.  33 

not  pleasing,  concerning  another  matter  entirely,  flashed 
through  my  mind,  which  caused  me  to  express  myself  a 
little  emphatic,  which  I  humbly  pray  you  to  pardon,  for 
you  must  be  aware  that  we  are  all  sinners  ;  but,  thank  God 
that  his  grace  is  abundant  toward  his  elect,"  humbly  re- 
sponded Deacon  Eob  Stew. 

"  Your  apology  is  accepted,  and  I  am  glad  that  I  have 
not  asked  too  much  of  you  ;  but,  when  I  come  to  think,  it 
was  not  my  intention  to  have  you  select  a  physician,  but 
it  was  father's  doings,  who  has  such  unfeigned  confidence 
in  your  w^orth  and  goodness,"  said  Miss  Armington. 

"I  appreciate  this  comi)liment,  and  sliall  endeavor  to 
merit  it,  if  God  is  willing,"  replied  the  deacon. 

After  exchanging  "many  words  with  Miss  Lucinda,  the 
over-rated  deacon  departed,  but  accidentally  met  Pat 
O 'Conner  again,  just  as  he  was  leaving  the  piazza,  when 
the  deacon  said : 

"Pat,  how  do  you  find  things  to-day;  have  you  heard 
anything  lately  of  this  Mr.  Juno  V  " 

"  Shurely  yer  honor  must  know  more  than  I  doos  of 
what  am  goin'  on  in  this  liouse,  or  at  Mr.  .Juno's  plaze. 
Ye  are  a  cimnin'  gintleman  ;  be  jabers,  ye  make  hay,  I  be- 
lave,  while  the  sun  shines.  AVill  yer  honor  have  the 
graceousness  to  kape  my  sacret  away  from  Miss  Arming- 
ton  V  "  said  Pat. 

"  Pat,  never  fear  me  ;  but,  to  convince  you  of  my  trust- 
worthiness, I  will  tell  you  a  great  secret,  if  you  promise  to 
hold  it  sacred  and  will  serve  me,"  replied  the  deacon. 

"  Och,  murdher,  yer  honor,  don't  be  a  placin'  me  on 
aquality  wid  your  holy  self,  I  am  only  a  poor  w^orkin' 
Irishman  ;  liowsomever,  I  kin  kape  sacrets,  I  warrant  ye, 
an'  if  I  kin  sarve  ye,  will  do  it  widout  tanks,"  said  Pat. 

"  I  believe  you,  Pat,  and  as  you  confided  in  me  without 
solicitation  on  my  part,  I  will  now  return  the  compliment, 
and  tell  you  that  I  hate  that  Victor  Juno.  He  is  a 
heathen,  a  heretic  and  an  impudent  innovator ;  and  al- 
ll'.0'.;gli,  good  Pat.  you  and  I  do  not  agree  in  religion  cx- 
3 


34  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   Oil, 

actly,  yet  we  ure  Christians,  whom  this  Mr.  Juno  tries  to 
undermine  and  ruin  by  liis  worldly  notions ;  tlierefore, 
Pat,  will  you  help  us  to  put  Iiim  where  he  belongs  V  "  ques- 
tioned Deaeon  Rob  Stew. 

"  We-11,  yer  honor,  I  bees  at  yer  sarvice  to  do  anyting 
that  bees  not  too  imiacant,  an'  I  am  atinkin'  Avhere  this 
Juno  chap  belongs.  Will  yer  lionor  plaze  tell  me  ?  "  said 
Pat. 

"Why,  sir,  he  belongs  to  the  ground  from  whence  he 
came,  and  I  liave  a  plan  at  work  that  will  place  him  for- 
ever beyond  stepping  into  my,  or  your,  path,"  ejaculated 
the  deacon,  in  reckless  anger. 

"  Ocli,  howly  Moses!"  meditated  Pat,  "I  shmcll  a 
mighty  big  rat,  or  I'm  no  man,"  and  said:  "Yer  honor 
knows  what's  best,  an'  I  will  be  sacret  and  sarve  ye  in  any 
manner ;  but  here  comes  Judy  McCrea,  so  good  day  to  yer 
honor." 

"Judy,  darlin',  an'  I  have  a  sacret  to  confide  to  yer  bos- 
som,  could  I  but  fale  sartiu  that  me  dailin'  cuuld  kape  a 
dredful  sacret,"  said  Pat. 

"Why,  Pat,  ye  spakes  like  a  crazy  man  ;  do  ye  tink  I've 
become  a  tratress  and  vaggaljone,  and  have  ye  lost  lath  in 
yer  Judy  ?  "  angrily  said  Judy. 

"No,  me  darlin',  be  me  sowl  ye  air  accusin'  of  me 
wrongly  ;  howsomever,  I  hav  a  monstrous  sacret  to  tell  ye, 
an'  if  ye  promise  to  kape  it  good,  I  will  give  it  ye,  an'  I 
want  ye  to  hilp  me  to  worry  the  matter  out,"  said  Pat. 

"An'  shure,  I'll  do  it  all  as  ye  plaze,  dear  Pat,"  re- 
sponded Judy. 

"Open  yer  eyes,  then,  Judy,  darlin',  an'  listen;  do  ye 
know  that  ould  hypocret,  Dacon  Stew,  Ijees  manin'  harm 
to  the  brave  young  lord,  Victor  Juno  V  "  said  Pat. 

"  Ye  do  not  mane  that  V  "  replied  Judy. 

"  Mane  it,  begorra  I  knows  it ;  but  I'll  fix  the  dirty  ould 
blackgard,  or  I'm  no  man  ;  Judy,  darlin',  will  ye  hilp  me 
to  watch  the  scpially  curmudgon  V  "  said  Pat. 

"Cartainly  I  will,"  resiiondtd  Judy. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AXD    LOVERS.  35 

"  A  Vjlazin  idee  strikes  me  mind  ;  and  that  bees,  we  must 
tell  Miss  Armingtou  of  tlie  attampt  tliis  dacon  bees  makiu' 
to  murdher  Victor  Juno,"  said  Pat. 

"Murdher  Juno  !  "  ejaculated  Judy. 

"  Yis,  bluddy  murdher,  jist  now  abreedin'.  Ye  git  Miss 
Armington  to  consult  wid  ye  an'  me,  and  do  it  quick,"'' 
said  Pat,  as  though  new  danger  fired  up  his  soul. 

Judy  McCrea  was  a  faithful  nurse,  who  would  have  wil- 
lingly lost  her  own  life  for  her  mistress,  and  she  was 
already  aware  that  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  loved  A^ictor 
Juno  ;  therefore  she  hurried  to  find  her  ladysliip,  to  bring 
her  to  Pat  O 'Conner,  for  tlie  purpose  of  giving  her  the 
news. 

Miss  Armington  said  :  '•  Judy,  ■\^•hat  does  Pat  want  with 
me  V  " 

"  Och,  my  swate  lady,  an'  he  has  a  parcil  to  tell  ye  wliat 
will  make  yer  blood  fraze,"  nervously  replied  Judj'. 

*•'  Tell  me,  what  does  he  mean  ?  "  said  Miss  Armington. 

"Indade,  an'  I  couldn't  tell  ye,  becase  I  do  not  know 
much  aboot  it,"  responded  Judy. 

"  Well,  Judy,  I'll  go  with  you  in  a  moment  to  hear  what 
Pat  has  to  say,"  said  Miss  Armington. 

They  passed  out  together  to  consult  Pat,  who  bowed 
profoundly  to  Miss  Armington,  and  said  : 

"  Do  the  lady  desire  to  larn  of  the  diviltry  that  am  a 
hatchin'  ?  " 

"Yes,  Pat,  I  am  curious  to  know  the  news,"  rejilied 
Miss  Armington. 

"Yer  ladyship,"  said  Pat,  after  suspiciously  looking  all 
around,  "  I  could  not  tell  ye  here,  but  let  us  go  to  some  sa- 
cret  plaze,  whin  I'll  tache  yc  a  Avonder." 

"Come,  then,  let  us  go  into  the  library,"  responded  Miss 
Armington. 


36  THE   SOCIAL    AVAR    OF    1900  ;    OR, 


CHAPTER  YII. 

NANCY  CLOVER,   FAILING  TO  CAPTIVATE    GENERAL 
AIIMINGTON,  UECOJJIKS   KE VENGEFUL. 

|]I8TER  NAXCY  CLOVER  is  a  deep  maiden  lady, 
wlio  speaks  seldom,  unless  she  sees  a  sure  chance 
to  make  an  impression  in  her  own  behalf.  Gene- 
ral Washington  Armington  is  the  idol  of  her  soul, 
and  although  the  general  is  not  a  marrying  man,  being  a 
■widower  of  nearly  fifty  summers,  she  has  had  a  hope  of 
capturing  him  without  much  trouble. 

Tlie  general  has  always  treated  her  with  more  than  ordi- 
luiry  resi)ect,  probably  on  account  of  her  zeal  in  the  woi'k 
of  Christianity  ;  because  he  was  himself  no  hypocrite,  but 
a  sincere  believer  in,  and  follower  of,  orthodox  religious 
creeds. 

General  Armington  was  a  liberal  orthodox  saint,  who 
looked  upon  every  religious  sect  with  charity,  love  and  re- 
spect ;  in  fact,  it  made  little  or  no  difference  to  him 
whether  a  man  was  a  Presbyterian,  Methodist,  or  Catholic  ; 
so  long  as  he  had  faith  in  Jesus  Christ,  and  led  a  good 
moral  life,  he  esteemed  such  a  one  as  his  brother. 

i^ancy  Clover  understood  the  views  of  the  general  thor- 
ouglily,  and  as  she  was  very  conceited,  and  deliglited  in 
controlling  every  one,  thought  that  it  would  be  an  easy 
task  to  bring  him  to  terms  after  a  seasonable  time  had 
passed  after  the  death  of  his  wife  ;  but  Xancy  found  tliat 
she  was  shamefully  mistaken  ;  therefore  her  love  of  2wicer 
was  aroused  to  its  highest  bend,  and  she  determined  to  con- 
quer or  die. 

She  meditated  as  follows  : — "I  li.^Ve  don.e  everything  in 
my  power  for  the  last  two  years  to  get  General  Armington 
to  propose  to  me  ;  I  have  courted  the  society  of  his  hatefrd 
(l.inghter  l.ucinda  ;  1  have  endeavored  to  make  him  jealous 
of  others,  after  be  paid  me  nioie  than  ordinary  attentions, 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  37 

but  all  failed  to  cause  the  least  impression  on  Lis  mind. 
Now,  I  see  but  one  effectual  way  of  bringing  him  to  my 
feet.  I  must  cause  the  ruination  of  his  daughter's  repu- 
tation, and  whilst  1  will  link  her  fall  with  this  innovator, 
Victor  Juno,  I  will  kill  two  birds  with  one  stone,  by  caus- 
ing a  wide-spread  prejudice  amongst  the  saints  of  all  de- 
nominations against  both  of  them,  and  at  the  same  time  I 
will  prove  the  most  sympathetic  bosom  friend  of  both  the 
general  and  his  despicable  daughter. 

"  This  may  seem  to  be  serving  God  and  Satan,  but,  as 
long  as  the  elect  cannot  sin,  and  as  long  as  I  can  wheedle 
the  entire  brotherhood,  I  am  safe.  Truly,  ray  unsuspicious 
and  innocent  general,  I'll  turn  your  head  around  this  way ; 
and  you  shall  see  the  hypocrisy  of  others,  whilst  you  will 
be  hated  and  suspected  by  many  saints,  who,  however,  for 
your  money  and  p(jsition's  sake,  will  do  you  homage  •,  yet 
I  will  prove  to  be  your  only  reliable  friend,  and  when  your 
family  troubles  bow  your  head,  and  those  in  whom  yoi, 
most  trusted  have  proved  false  to  your  knowledge,  I  slil. 
will  show  my  fidelity  to  yourself  and  daughter  ;  but  bewars 
when  the  tigress  once  has  the  opportunity  to  close  her- 
teeth  upon  her  prey,  how  she  will  make  the  huntsman, 
who  fails  to  respect  her  life,  howl !  " 

At  this  moment  some  one  gently  knocked  at  the  door, 
and,  on  opening  it,  one  of  the  servants  announced  that 
Eev.  .Joe  Pier  was  in  the  parlor,  desiring  to  see  her. 

"  What  does  he  want  V  "  asked  Xancy. 

"  I  cannot  say,  my  lady,"  responded  the  servant. 

"  Tell  him  I'll  be  there  in  a  few  moments,"  said  Nancy, 
and  murmured  to  herself  :  "  That  stupid  mush -head  is  con- 
tinually boring  me  ;  I  wish  Satan  had  him,  the  poor  love- 
sick fool.  If  ever  anything  can  disgust  one,  it  is  to  have 
a  sap-head  like  Joe  Pier  trotting  after  one,  for  whom  one 
has  neither  love,  fear  nor  respect :  well,  well,  he  may  be  of 
some  valuable  service  to  me,  and  I  shall  take  advantage  of 
this  visit  and  use  him  to  accomplisli  my  purposes,  if  it 
kills  him  !    The  silly  dunce  seems  to  be  happy  when  I  give 


38  THE   SOCIAL   WAK   OP    1900;    OR, 

liim  one  kind  look  ;  but,  after  all,  I  pity  liim,  because  he 
loves  me  as  I  have  loved  General  Washington  Armington  ; 
but,  do  to  him  what  I  would,  he  could  never  have  enough 
wit,  courage  and  spirit  to  revenge  himself  on  me.  Thus 
we  are  alike  in  loving  what  we  cannot  get,  but  unlike  iu 
revenging  our  wrongs. 

"I  will  conquer  or  revenge  myself,  whilst  poor  Joe  will 
fail  to  conquer  rue,  and,  instead  of  revenging  liimself  on 
me,  luidoubtedly  will  conclude,  parson  and  hypocrite-like, 
that  it  was  the  will  of  the  Lord.  After  all,  I  despise  these 
mush  and  milk  saints,  who  possess  neither  manliness  nor 
valor.  But  I  must  go  to  cozy  and  smile  around  my  dupe, 
he  may  become  tired  waiting." 

Sister  Nancy  Clover  now  entered  her  parlor,  where  the 
Rev.  Joe  Pier  meditated  over  the  future,  wlien  he  should 
possess  this  richly  adorned  establishment,  with  the  jewel 
of  a  woman  as  its  presiding  genius. 

"  Good  morning,  brother  Pier,  you  are  an  early  disciple 
of  tlie  Lord  ;  I  hope  I  have  not  kept  you  waiting  ;  I  was 
just  completing  my  devotions  and  heavenly  meditations, 
when  the  servant  informed  me  of  your  presence,"  said 
Nancy  Clover. 

"  My  dear  sister,  you  have  always  been  a  pattern  of  saint- 
hood, and  I  often  think  what  a  glorious  world  this  would 
be  if  we  had  more  sisters  like  your  noble  self,"  responded 
the  llev.  Joe  Pier. 

"•  Thanks,  brother  Pier,  for  the  compliment ;  but  I  assure 
you  that  I  always  seek  to  do  my  duty  as  an  humble  fol- 
lower-of  the  lowly  Redeemer,"  ejaculated  the  influential 
and  revengeful  Nancy  Clover. 

"  By  the  way  of  changing  our  conversation,  may  I  ask, 
what  is  your  opinion  of  General  Washington  Armington, 
as  regards  the  fancy  he  has  taken  to  A^ictor  Juno  V  Do 
you  not  fear  that  the  general  will  be  carried  away  from  the 
faithful  if  that  innovator  is  allowed  to  get  well,  aiul  con- 
tinue to  hold  converse  with  the  generous  and  unsuspecting 
general  V  "  said  Joe  Pier. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  39 

"  Indeed,  brother  Pier,  my  peace  of  mind  lias  been  much 
exercised  about  this  matter,  and  I  fear  and  tremble  when 
I  think  of  the  abyss  over  which  our  beloved  and  truly 
pious  general  is  inclining.  We  must  exhort  all  the  reli- 
gious denominations  to  unite  in  carrying  out  some  of  my 
plans,  which  I  shall  ask  you  to  weave  into  your  sermons, 
as  well  as  go  amongst  tlie  members  personally  and  exhort 
them  of  the  danger  that  is  brooding,"  said  Nancy  Clover, 
with  a  double  meaning. 

"  Oh,  angel  sister !  you  do  me  so  much  good  by  your 
deep  and  holy  thoughts.  Will  you  please  give  me  your 
plans  of  operation  V  "  responded  Joe  Pier. 

"  Certai)ily,  with  pleasure,  dear  brother  ;  but  listen,  some 
one  is  ringing  the  bell,"  said  Nancy  Clover,  when  a  mes- 
senger arrived  from  General  Armington. 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

LL'CINDA,  IN  DISGUISE,  SAVES  VICTOR'S  LIFE. 

|N  the  library  of  General  Washington  Armington, 
Pat  O 'Conner  was  relating  to  Miss  Lucinda 
Armington,  in  the  presence  of  Judy  McCrea, 
what  he  had  learned  from  Deacon  Rob  Stew 
about  putting  Victor  Juno  "where  he  belongs,"  namely, 
"  to  the  ground. "  Pat  continued  to  relate  what  the  reader 
already  knows,  and  added  his  own  conclusions  and  plans. 
Said  he : 

"  Miss  Armington,  after  havin'  yer  promise  to  kape  this 
intire  matter  sacret,  and  also  yer  promise  to  relate  to  Mr. 
Juno  the  danger  what  treatens  him,  wid  lih  promise  to 
kape  it  sacret,  I'll  jist  unhitch  me  sowl  of  the  burden  of 
me  hart,"  said  Pat  O'Conner. 

"  Well,  go  on,  Pat,  and  let  me  hear  it,"  responded  Miss 
Armington. 
"Me  lady,  ye  know  ye  and  yer  father  axed  Dacon  Stew 


40  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

to  git  a  doctor  for  to  trate  Mr.  Juno  ;  an'  I  had  me  idees 
rubbed  up  that  this  Dacon  !Stew,  what  luvs  yer  lady,  an' 
hates  Mr.  Juno,  becase  ye  luv,  or  raspect,  Mr.  Juno  more 
than  he  like  to  sea  ;  I  mane,  that  Dacon  Stew  has  plaj'ed 
ye  an'  yer  father  false,  by  gittin'  a  tricky  doctor  what  will 
pison  Mr.  Juno  !  "  said  Pat,  with  great  agitation. 

''  Oh,  Pat,  you  surely  cannot  think  that  of  Deacon  Rob 
Stew  !  He  is  a  good  Christian,  and  would  not  do  such  a 
foul  act  as  to  employ  a  murdering  physician,"  ejaculated 
Miss  Armington,  with  an  internal  shudder. 

"•  Be  me  sowl.  Miss  Armington,  may  I  stop  to  belave  me 
own  senses,  ef  it  aint  the  trooth,"  said  Pat,  earnestly. 

"  But,  Pat,  how  do  you  suspect  or  know  all  these  things  ?  " 
responded  Miss  Armington. 

''  Good  lady,  only  kape  sacret,  an'  I'll  tell  ye.  That  day 
whin  Dacon  Eob  Stew  was  at  yer  bedside,  whin  ye  axed  yer 
father  to  imploy  a  doctor  for  Mr.  Juno,  I  tould  Judy  McCrea, 
who  tould  me  sometliin'  aboot  him  what  strengtliened  me 
suspicions,  that  I  wanted  her  to  sind  Dacon  Eob  Stew 
out  by  the  side  doore,  whin  I  runned  accidentallee  against 
his  honor,  which  made  him  spake  to  me  ;  I  humbly  apolo- 
gist, an'  axed  him  aboot  Victor  Juno  in  a  mannor  what 
made  him  belave  I  hated  ]\Ir.  Juno,  whin  the  ould  cur- 
mudg — beg  yer  pardon  for  forgittin'  meself"— stammered 
Pat,  when  Miss  Armington  interrupt ingly  said:  "Go 
on." 

"Well,  yer  ladyship,  I  was  agoin'  to  say,  Dacon  Stew 
spake  confidenge  to  me,  an'  said  :  'Pat,  if  I  could  trust  ye, 
I  have  a  job  that  Avoukl  make  ye  rich.'  I  suspected  his 
diviltry,  whin  I  blarnej'ed  him,  an'  Avhat  ye  tink,  he  un- 
bossomed  the  dirtiest  plans  of  his  hypocretcal  hart  to 
meself,  and  I  tought,  be  jabers,  JPat,  here  bees  a  way  tD 
larn  sacrets  that  will  be  of  sarvice  to  me  luvly  mishtress, 
wliin  I  swore,  wid  one  eye  shut  an'  a  mental  resarves,  to 
k-.do  Inm  into  the  faild  of  battle. 

"lie  tould  me  anough  to  conclude  that  he  meant  to 
pison  Mr.  Jun^^ ;  an'  me  plans  air,  that  ye  sacretly  go  to 


THE    CONSPIRATOrvS    AXD    LOVERS.  41 

Mr.  Juno's  house,  an'  kape  an  eye  on  that  doctor  chap," 
said  Pat. 

"Oh,  Pat,  how  can  I  believe  or  do  all  tliis  ?  "  gloomily 
responded  Miss  Armington. 

"Be  me  sowl,  I  have  tould  j-e  only  what  am  good  trootli ; 
ye  can  axe  Judy  McCrea,  here,  what  kin  tell  ye  I  am 
spakin'  only  the  trooth,"  ejaculated  Pat. 

"Path,  me  swate  lady,  Pat  O 'Conner  spake  the  holy 
trooth,  so  far  as  I  knows,"  responded  Judy. 

Miss  Armington  was  in  great  distress,  and  soliloquized 
as  follows,  after  she  excused  herself  and  was  left  alone  for 
prayerful  meditation  : 

"O  Lord,  what  shall  I  do?  1  cannot  let  father  know 
of  this  conspiracy  to  murder  Victor  Juno  ;  nor  can  I  allow 
them  to  poison  him,  since  I  can  save  him.  IIow  shall  I 
manage  this  matter,  O,  how  must  I  act  ?  Great  powers 
above,  guide  my  distressed  soul  aright. 

"  I  have  it ;  I  have  it.  I  will  go  in  disguise  to  the  house 
of  Victor  Juno,  and  request  to  see  him  as  an  old  aunt  of 
his ;  I  understand  he  has  an  only  relative,  and  that  is  an 
elderly  aunt.  I'll  personate  her  to  tlie  people  in  his  home, 
and  when  I  once  reach  his  bedside,  I'll  manage  to  make 
him  understand  me.  This  will  be  his  salvation,  although 
it  may  prove  my  ruination." 

Miss  Lucinda  Armington  waited  until  about  seven 
o'clock  in  the  evening,  when  she  dressed  herself  in  some 
of  her  mother's  old  clothes,  which  she  had  preserved  from 
her  death,  and  quietly  left  by  the  side  door,  thinking  that 
she  would  not  be  seen  so  readily  by  leaving  the  house  by 
that  direction  (it  must  be  remembered  that  this  was  the 
door  through  which  Deacon  Rob  Stew  mostly  visited  the 
house  of  General  Armington) ;  she  made  her  way  to  Victor 
Juno's  residence,  and  as  she  rang  the  door  bell,  Dr.  Toy 
Pancy  drove  up,  and  also  stepped  upon  the  step,  waiting 
for  the  door  to  open  ;  presently  a  very  polite  male  servant 
received  them,  the  doctor  passing  to  the  patient's  room 
direct,  whilst  Miss  Armington,  in  her  disguise,  was  politely 


42  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1000;    OR, 

invited  into  the  liandsomo  parlor,  which  embarrassed  her 
very  much,  causing  a  singular  shudder  to  come  over  her 
system  ;  the  waiter  noticed  that  the  lady  Avas  somewhat 
nervous,  hence  he  did  not  speak  for  a  moment,  when  Miss 
Lucinda  Armington  said : 

"  Mr.  Victor  Juno  lives  here,  does  he  not  V  " 

"Yes,  ma'am,  at  your  service,"  responded  the  servant. 

"Will  you  have  the  kindness  to  inform  him  that  his 
aunt  desires  to  see  him  ?  "  said  Miss  Armington. 

"  Yes,  ma'am,  but  he  is  very  ill ;  however,  he  may  desire 
to  see  his  aunt ;  I'll  go  to  him,"  responded  the  servant. 

Miss  Armington  now  had  a  flash  of  horror  fly  across  her 
mind,  thinking  :  "  Oh,  gracious  heaven  !  should  I  be  de- 
tected ;  monstrous,  should  tliis  servant  know  the  real  aunt, 
and  go  to  Victor  Juno  or  Dr.  Toy  Fancy,  and  announce 
the  fact  that  a  lady  is  in  the  parlor  who  says  she  is  Victor 
Juno's  aunt,  but  that  she  is  not  the  aunt  that  he  knows, 
when  Victor  probably  might  be  strong  enough  to  state 
that  he  has  only  one  aunt,  or  something  to  that  effect. 
My,  my,  O,  my  head  !  I  think  I  had  better  leave  at  once  ; 
because,  should  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  find  out  who  I  was,  or  even 
suspicion  of  a  mysterious  person  being  in  the  parlor,  he 
would  be  on  the  alert,  and  hence  ray  mission  be  a  failure, 
and  most  likely  father,  Deacon  Stew^  and  all  the  rest  woidd 
discover  that  something  was  not  right.  Never  was  I  in 
such  misery ;  never  was  I  so  undecided  what  I  had  better 
do  ;  and  should  any  one  come  to  me  now,  my  face  would 
be  a  mirror,  wherein  guilt  and  confusion  could  be  plainly 
seen.    I  must  compose  myself  ;  hark,  I  hear  a  step." 

The  door  opened,  and  the  same  polite  servant  returned 
saying  that  Mr.  Juno  would  see  her  in  a  few  moments  ; 
moreover,  that  the  housekeeper  would  come  to  the  parlor 
in  a  few  minutes. 

She  begged  of  the  servant  not  to  send  any  one  to  her,  as 
she  would  patiently  wait  until  Victor  was  ready  to  have 
him  (this  servant)  conduct  her  to  his  side. 

When  Victor  Juno  heard  the  announcement  that  his 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  43 

aunt  was  in  the  parlor,  his  countenance  brightened  up,  and 
he  solicited  the  doctor  to  permit  his  aunt  to  sit  by  him  this 
night,  and  hinted  he  had  better  leave  ;  which  he  did, 
although  reluctantly. 

The  servant  then  conducted  Miss  Lucinda  Armington, 
the  bogus  aunt,  to  Victor  Juno's  bedside. 


CIIAPTEll  IX. 

VICTOR  AXD  LUCINDA  BETROTHED. 

[]IIE]Sr  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  presented  herself 
at  the  bedside  of  Victor  Juno,  he  seemed  to  have 
known  what  was  coming,  he  therefore  spoke 
first,  and  said  : 

"  I  feel  as  though  an  angel  from  on  high,  in  disguise, 
was  before  me,"  and  took  both  her  hands  into  his  trans- 
parent ones,  when  she  replied  : 

"Mr.  Juno,  I  hope  you  will  pardon  me  for  appearing 
before  you  in  this  peculiar  manner  ?  " 

"■  Certainly,  my  brave  young  lady,  I  feel  from  my  inmost 
soul  that  you  are  here  on  a  mission  of  mercy.  And,  if  it 
were  possible,  I  would  relate  to  you  what  I  saw  in  a  dream 
last  night,"  said  Victor  Juno,  with  a  deep  and  exhausted 
sigh. 

"Mr.  Juno,  please  do  not  exhaust  yourself;  but,  if  you 
are  not  too  Aveak,  I  will  relate  to  j^ou  why  I  came  here,  and 
in  this  disguise,"  responded  Miss  Armington. 

"Speak,  O  speak,  sweet  lady;  your  presence  electrifies 
and  strengthens  me,  and  I  am  quite  well  enough  to  listen 
to  anything  that  your  chai'ming  voice  may  relate,"  quite 
vigorously  said  Victor  Juno. 

"  Friend  Juno,  beg  your  pardon,  Mr.  Juno,"  stammered 
Miss  Armington. 

"Dear  angel,  use  the  former,  and  believe  me  that  my 
very  soul  is  yours,  and  I  feel  assured,  by  your  presence  at 


44  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900  ;    OR, 

this  hour,  and  in  this  disguise,  that  your  heart  beats  in 
unison  willi  mine,  or  you  would  not  be  thus,"  most  affec- 
tionately spolie  Victor  Juno,  looking  Avorlds  of  love  into 
her  soul-enchanting  eyes. 

"May  you  never  doubt  my  sincerity  and  motives,  but 
still  I  am  almost  a  perfect  stranger  to  you,"  ejaculated 
Lucinda  ;  but  Victor  interrupted  her,  and  said  solemnly  : 

"My  beloved  lady,  why  should  you  feel  in  the  least 
embarrassed  or  backward  in  the  presence  of  a  man  Avho 
would  lose  his  life  ten  thousand  times  to  give  you  one 
meagre  joy  ?  " 

"Speak  no  more,  dear  friend,  you  have  indeed  saved 
my  miserable  life,  at  triple  the  danger  of  losing  your  own, 
therefore  I  would  indeed  be  an  ingrate  to  withhold  any- 
thing from  you,"  modestly  responded  Lucinda. 

"Thanks,  many  thanks,  for  this  delicious  candor,  and 
will  you  now  be  kind  enough  to  relate  what  you  spoke  of, 
and,  after  so  doing,  I  will  tell  you  my  dream,"  said  Victor. 

"  Oh  !  I  have  some  horrible  things  to  tell  you,  which  may 
not  be  any  benefit  to  your  sliattered  nerves  ;  but,  there  is  a 
greater  danger  overhanging  you  than  my  story  can  pro- 
duce, should  you  be  kept  in  ignorance  of  what  I  know. 
You  will,  therefore,  find  that  my  presence  at  this  hour, 
and  in  this  awkward  disguise,  may  save  your  precious  life, 
Avhich,  if  such  Avill  be  the  case,  will  at  least  repay  you  for 
the  great  services  you  have  done  me  and  my  father,"  said 
Lucinda. 

"  Beloved  angel  of  rny  soul,  why  do  you  mention  what  / 
did  V  You  certainly  cannot  deem  me  so  selfish  as  to  hope 
1  labored  for  compensation,"  sadly  responded  Victor. 

"Oh,  no!  certainly  not,  I  did  not  mean  that,  but" — 
hesitatingly  she  continued — "  I  sup-pose  it  was  " — 

"Love,"  ejaculated  Victor,  "that  prompted  the  Avhole- 
some  act ;  say  so,  sweetest  lady,  and  I'll  believe  you  ! " 

"  Yes,  sir.  Indeed  it  was,"  she  said,  softly  but  earnestly. 

"My  soul  is  rejoiced  that  my  iiever-ceasing  affection  for 
you  is  reciprocated,  if  I  may  be  so  bold  as  to  esteem  myself 
so  blessed,"  responded  Victor. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AXD    LOVERS.  45 

Lucinda  modestly  bowed  her  head  and  said  :  "  This, 
truly,  is  the  happiest  moment  of  my  life.  " 

Instantly  Victor  drew  her  toward  him  and  kissed  her 
affectionately,  after  which  he  said  : 

"  My  darling,  I  should  be  pleased  now  to  listen  to  'the 
liorrible  things  '  of  which  you  spoke." 

"■I  will  tell  you,  but  hope  you  will  see  the  necessity  of 
keeping  the  whole  matter  a  sacred  secret,  otherwise  ruina- 
tion might  befall  us  both,"  said  she. 

"■  ISTo,  darling,  have  more  faith  in  my  Cupid  God  ;  but  let 
me  not  interrupt  you  any  more,"  responded  Victor. 

"Well,  my  noble  friend,  you  will  see  the  good  of  being 
cautious  about  making  known  my  visit,  disguise  aiid 
story,"  said  Luchida. 

"  Of  course,  sweet  love,  I  shall  be  perfectly  silent,  espe- 
cially as  you  desire  it,  even  if  I  saw  it  vras  better  to  make 
it  public,"  ejaculated  Victor. 

"•  Thanks,  blessed  Victor.  But  to  the  point;  I  have  a 
faithful  servant  at  home,  who  has  overheard  a  secret  plot 
to  murder  you,  and  that  by  people  Avhom  you  have  never 
injured,  and  of  whom  you  would  not  think  that  they  could 
be  guilty  of  such  dark  deeds,"  said  Lucinda. 

Victor  interrupted  her,  and  said :  "  My  darling,  allow 
me  to  ask  who  these  parties  are,  and  whether  your  servant 
really  is  reliable  ? ' ' 

"Yes,  good  Victor,  my  servant  is  reliable;  moreover, 
tliere  are  a  train  of  cii-cumstances.  of  which  I  know,  that 
convince  me  of  the  existence  of  such  a  plot ;  and,  further, 
wlien  I  tell  you  all,  you  may  be  able  to  conjure  up  some 
matters  that  happened  in  this  chamber,  by  which  you  also 
will  know  the  truth  of  wiiat  I  shall  relate. 

"]Sry  father  is  a  good,  honest  man,  and  a  great  admirer 
of  yourself ;  I  make  this  remark  because,  when  I  tell  you 
my  story,  you  might  conceive  the  matter  ia  such  a  manner 
as  to  cause  an  impression  on  your  mind  that  dear  father 
had  something  to  do  with  this  vile  work ;  because,  you 
certainly  must  know  th;it  Dr.  Toy  p;nicy  v.'as  employed  by 
father  and  m^'self,"  said  Lucinda. 


46  THE    SOCIAL    WAR    OF    1900;    OR, 

"  Wluit  say  you,  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  V  "  ejaculated  Victor. 

"  Yes,  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  is  a  villain,  \Yho  has  evidently 
been  trying  to  poison  you  whilst  he  was  sitting  up  Avith 
you  at  night,  without  your  own  family  doctor  knowing 
anything  about  it,"  said  Ijucinda. 

''Indeed,"  muttered  Victor,  and  meditated  a  moment, 
then  said — "  I  can  now  know  why  he  was  so  uneasy  and 
anxious  to  be  alone  with  me  ;  surely,  my  dream  was  not  all 
a  dream  ;  but,  then,  I  have  again  interrupted  you  before 
you  have  finished  your  story,  please  go  on  and  tell  me  all." 

"  I  will,  dear  Victor,  but  you  may  not  clearly  understand 
why  myself  and  father  Avould  send  you  sucli  a  villain  of  a 
physician,  unless  I  explain  to  you  how  he  happened  to  be 
selected.  I  myself  first  proposed  to  furnish  you  with  addi- 
tional medical  aid,  and  my  father  and  Deacon  Rob  Stew 
sat  by  my  bedside  when  I  asked  father  to  employ  a  doctor 
for  you  ;  at  once  father  said  to  the  deacon  that  he,  the  lat- 
ter, was  best  acquainted  with  physicians,  and  would  ask  it 
as  a  special  favor  if  Deacon  Stew  would  select  a  physician  ; 
the  deacon  did  so,  and  this  is  the  manner  in  which  Dr. 
Toy  Fancy  came  to  your  bedside,"  said  Lucinda. 

"•  But,  my  l)eloved  angel,  how  could  such  a  course  cause 
Dr.  Toy  Fancy  to  have  designs  upon  my  life  V  "  exclaimed 
Victor. 

"  You  may  deem  me  immodest,  but,  nevertheless,  as  we 
have  become  so  well  acquainted  and  love  each  other,  I  may 
tell  you  that  Deacon  Fob  Stew  has  been  suing  for  my  hand 
the  last  year ;  but,  I  hate  his  advances,  and  have  always 
rejected  him,  yet  have  never  been  rude  to  him,  because  I 
always  esteemed  him  a  good  Christian,  until  I  learned  that 
he  connived  with  Fat  O'Connor,  our  coachman,  to  murder 
you.  Fat,  irish-like,  suspicioned  this  wolf  in  sheep's 
clothing,  when  he  dissembled  and  acted  as  though  he  also 
hated  you,  knov^-ing  that  the  deacoji  detested  you,  because 
you  are  his  successful  rival,"  said  Lucinda. 

"Is  it  possible  that  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  and  Deacon  Fob 
Stev.-  attempted  to  take  my  life  ?    Surely,  I  well  remember 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AXD   LOVERS.  47 

that  I  had  grown  weaker  the  few  days  that  Dr.  Fancy  was 
by  my  side,  and  my  family  doctor  remarked  several  times, 
in  the  presence  of  Dr.  Toy  Fancy,  that  he  could  not  clearly 
comprehend  why  I  should  not  get  stronger  instead  of 
weaker.  My  arm  is  nearly  well,  and  I  seem  to  see  it  all 
now  ;  and  it  is  you,  my  most  precious  darling,  who  saved 
my  life  ;  but,  now  I'll  have  an  eye  on  these  vile  conspira- 
tors, and  I  see  the  necessity  of  secrecy,  as  you  asked  it," 
responded  Victor. 

"Dear  Victor,  I  am  exceedingly  happy  to  see  you  so  much 
better,  and  able  to  protect  yourself  against  the  danger 
which  threatened'  your  precious  life  ;  but,  please  tell  me 
your  dream,  when  I  must  go  home,"  said  Lucinda. 

"  Well,  I  dreamt  three  or  four  times  last  night  you  wero 
by  my  bedside,  as  j^ou  are,  and  that  we  had  pledged  our 
mutual  vows  of  love  ;  but,  every  time  tliat  we  wanted  to 
consummate  our  nuptial  tics,  some  obstacles  were  thrown 
into  our  path  by  deep  designing  enemies.  This  was 
all  I  remember  of  it,  but,  O,  the  hoiTor  and  despair  that  I 
felt  was  almost  unendura1)le,"  exclaimed  Victor. 

'•  It  was,  of  course,  only  a  dream,  yet  a  very  peculiar  one, 
to  say  the  least,  and  I  shall  be  in  continual  dread  of  these 
men,  who  certainly  have  commenced  in  earnest " — said 
Lucinda,  when  a  knock  at  the  door  interrupted  their  con- 
versation ;  and  when  Miss  Armington  opened  the  door,  the 
servant  stood  trembling  and  stammering  :  "O,  good  lady, 
the  house  is  surrounded  by  an  army  of  men," 


CH AFTER  X. 

FOUL  CONNIVIXG  OF  THE  BLOODY  CONSPIRATORS, 

I  HE  bloody  conspirators  have  met  again  at  Taber- 
nacle Hall,  Rev,  Joe  Fier  in  tlie  chair. 
Infancy  Clover  took  the  floor  and  said  : 
"  Brothers,  as  no  one  but  the  faithful  and  elite 
pvrsont,  and  as  it  will   bc>!u-fit   ynu  all  to  know  my 


48  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

'■  2'>lans^^  which,  wlien  you  are  acquainted  with  them,  may 
open  the  door  to  some  new  operations  " — 

The  president  ejaculated  :  "Dear  sister,  I  have  been  al- 
most dying  to  learn  your 'plans  and  operations,' as  you 
proposed  them  the  last  time  we  met,  when  General  Wash- 
ington Armington's  messenger  interrupted  us." 

"Mr.  President,  I  have  a  word  to  say  which  will  aid  a 
speedy  conclusion  of  plans,"  exclaimed  Deacon  Eob  Stew. 

"  Brother  Stew,  our  noble  sister  Xancy  Clover  has  the 
right  to  the  floor,"  interrupted  the  president  and  Rev.  Joe 
Pier. 

"  Pardon  me,  dear  sister,  I  did  not  intend  to  be  rude, 
but  thought  if  I  could  hint  it  to  you,  ere  you  speak,  that  I 
discovered  Miss  Lucinda  Armingtou  leave  the  general's — 
her  father's— house,  in  disguise,  last  night,  to  go  to  Victor 
Juno's  residence,  you  would  be  better  prepared  to  draw 
your  plans  up  in  speedy  order,"  said  Deacon  Rob  Stev/. 

"  Thanks,  valiant  brother  Stew,  you  verily  have  done  me 
a  service,  and  as  I  am  now  prepared  to  give  you  my  plans 
and  operations  for  consummating  tliis  holy  work  of  purging 
our  cause  of  all  unfaithful  members,  apostates  and  inno- 
vators, you  will  remember,  that  we  have  one  common  in- 
terest, and  if  we  cannot  gain  our  individual  points,  we 
aievertheless  are  a  perfect  unit  in  obtaining  our  combined 
ends. 

"I  find  that  several  of  those  whom  we  love  and  respect 
are  being  led  astray,  who  would  rather  play  falsely  toward 
us  than  adhere  to  the  principles  we  espouse. 

'■'■  Firstly,  then.  General  "Washington  Armington  is  in 
dangerous  hands,  whilst  surrounded  by  this  Mr.  Juno ; 
therefore  we  must  devote  time,  money,  muscle  and  brains 
to  break  the  link  that  binds  the  general  and  this  Juno  to- 
gether. The  best  plan  is  to  cause  a  sanctimonious  anxiety 
for  the  general  amongst  all  religious  people  ;  that  done, 
then  our  united  attention  must  be  earnestly  exercised  to 
ruin  the  reputation,  in  the  general's  mind,  of  Victor  Juno, 
who  has  escaped  us,  and  is  now  beyond  reach  of  the  i)l:iu 


THE   CONSPIEATORS   AND   LOVEES.  49 

that  was  laid  for  his  death  tlirough  the  faithful  brother, 
Dr.  Toy  Fancy. 

'■^Secondly,  we  must  generate  a  hue  and  cry  that  Miss 
Lucinda  Armington  has  compromised  her  reputation  by 
injudicious  familiarities,  having,  in  disguise  and  at  an  im- 
proper hour,  visited  Mr.  Juno's  residence. 

'■'■Thirdly^  that,  having  failed  in  our  first  attempt  to  for- 
ever quiet  Victor  Juno,  we  must  now  work  more  amongst 
the  masses  of  saints  of  all  colors,  than  aim  directly  at  the 
life  of  this  vile  innovator ;  and  by  setting  up  a  howl 
amongst  the  brethren,  setting  forth  the  great  danger  to 
our  cause,  provided  this  man  Juno  is  not  quieted  or  de- 
graded. This  is  our  next  best  step — what  thinks  brother 
Stew  ?  "  said  Kancy  Clover,  whose  words  sank  deep  into 
the  hearts  of  all  present. 

Deacon  Rob  Stew  now  arose  and  spoke  as  follows  : 

"  Beloved  saints,  I  have  listened  with  great  interest  to 
our  valued  sister's  glorious  plans  of  operations,  and  have 
come  to  the  conclusion,  what  she  does  not  know  is  not 
worth  knowing. 

"Let  us,  therefore,  act  upon  her  plans,  and  to  do  so  ef- 
fectually, each  one  must  be  assigned  his  or  her  portion  of 
the  work,  otherwise  we  might  cause  the  chains  to  clank  to 
our  disadvantage,  by  drawing  attention  to  matters  with 
the  same  persons,  and  thereby  cause  suspicions.  I  mean, 
that  each  one  shall  know  in  what  field  he  is  to  operate  ; 
because  we  shall  have  to  influence  the  Standard  Medical 
Fraternity ;  the  Editorial  Fraternity ;  the  Municipal  Ring ; 
the  moral,  literary,  charitable  and  religious  organizations, 
such  as  the  Young  Men's  Christian  Associations,  Sabbath 
schools,  Bible  societies,  tract  and  the  numerous  charitable 
societies.  And  I  propose  the  following  order  of  work  for 
our  members : 

"Rev.  Joe  Pier,  among  the  Editorial  and  Municipal 
Rings. 

"Dr.  Toy  Pancy,  among  the  Standard   Medical  Fra- 
ternity and  Druggists. 
4 


50  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"Sister  Nancy  Clover,  among  the  charitable  and  lite- 
rary associations  ;  and  I  will  take  to  the  tract,  Bible,  Sab- 
bath schools  and  Young  Men's  Christian  Associations. 

"  I  would  also  here  relate  what  I  did  last  night,  after  I 
learned  that  Miss  Lucinda  Annington  repaired  in  disguise 
to  Victor  Juno's  residence.  I  called  twenty  of  the  faithful 
to  disguise  themselves,  and  join  me  to  surround  the  house 
of  Victor  Juno  ;  and  getting  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  to  arrive  also 
at  such  a  moment  as  to  force  his  way  accidentally  into 
Mr.  Juno's  house,  and  go  directly  to  his  bedroom  for  the 
purpose  of  detecting  whether  this  reputed  aunt  who  visited 
her  nephew— Mr.  Juno— last  night,  was  not  the  veritable 
disguised  Lucinda  Armington. 

"  I  concluded,  should  we  find  her  there,  we  would  abduct 
her,  and  take  good  care  that  the  wretched  apostate  would 
never  more  come  between  us  and  our  enemy ;  but,  from 
some  cause  or  othei',  we  missed  our  prey." 

"You  were  not  very  sharp,"  said  Nancy  Clover. 

"Well,  as  bad  luck  would  have  it,  they  Avere  apprised 
by  Mr.  Juno's  servant  that  we  were  surrounding  the 
house,  before  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  could  enter  the  house,  which 
evidently  caused  Miss  Armington  to  escape  ;  but,  how  she 
got  through  our  lines,  as  we  besieged  the  house,  is  miracu- 
lous," responded  Deacon  Stew. 

"  How  do  you  know  tliat  she  escaped  ;  why  may  she  not 
have  been  hid  away,  somewhere  about  the  immense  man- 
sion of  Ml-.  Juno;  did  you  search  the  house  V"  said  the 
president.  Rev.  Joe  Pier. 

"  No  sir,  we  did  not  search  the  house  at  all ;  but,  when  I 
found  that  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  failed  to  find  her,  or  the  bogus 
aunt,  I  drew  my  comrades  aside,  and  directed  them  to 
scatter  a  little,  until  I  would  go  to  visit  General  Washing- 
ton Armington's  residence,  and  announce  to  tlie  general 
and  daugliter  the  precarious  condition  in  which  Mr. 
Victor  Juno  was  found  when  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  returned  to 
his  bedside  ;  and  behold  her  ladyship  —  iSIiss  Lucinda 
Armington — was  aroused  from  her  own  bed,  as  thougli 


THE   CONSPIRATOKS   AND    LOVERS.  51 

nothing  had  Iiappened ;  this  caused  us  to  disband  for  the 
present,"  exclaimed  Deacon  Stew. 

The  reader  will  remember  that  Miss  Lucinda  Armington 
was  by  Victor's  bedside  the  moment  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  en- 
tered the  front  door,  but  she  at  once  ran  down  stairs  and 
out  at  the  back  door  before  the  disguised  conspirators 
dreamt  that  their  presence  was  detected,  and  before  they 
had  taken  their  proper  stations,  as  besiegers,  she  had  fled. 

Yictor  Juno,  although  not  a  dissembler,  for  the  lady's 
sake,  at  once  feigned  to  be  awfully  ill,  and  called  for  Dr. 
Toy  Fancy  and  his  family  physician.  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  was 
told  by  Yictor  Juno's  civil  servant  that  something  very 
horrible  was  breeding  around  this  neighborhood. 


CHAPTER  XL 

SHREWD  EXPOSE  OF  COSMOPOLITAN  RASCALITY. 

|HE  work  of  sanctimonious  deviltry,  as  well  as  the 
melo-dramatic  acting,  was  now  about  being 
commenced  on  both  sides  ;  and  as  Victor  Juno 
was  about  restored  to  comparative  good  health, 
sent  his  agents  to  lease  the  Philadelphia  "Walnut  Street 
Theatre  for  Sunday  evening  preaching,  which  aroused  the 
bloody  conspirators  to  I'enewed  efforts  to  conquer  him,  by 
either  disgracing  or  killing  him. 

Victor  Juno  advertised  in  all  the  daily,  Aveekly  and  Sun- 
day newspapers  that  lie  should  preach  next  Sunday  even- 
ing in  the  Walnut  Street  Theatre,  on  the  ''■Rock  tipon  xoMch 
'  The  CliuTcli '  Sjylil,''''  in  which  he  should  advocate  the  run- 
ning of  the  street  cars  in  Philadelphia  on  Sunday.  This 
announcement  was  hailed  by  the  great  majority  of  "  the 
people  "  with  delight ;  which  was  proved  by  the  immense 
crowd  of  the  ^lite  and  humble  tliat  filled  the  tlieatre  from 
"  pit  to  dome,"  whilst  from  five  to  ten  thousand  ladies  and 
gentlemen  could  not  gain  admission. 


52  tHE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

This  popularity  was  excruciatingly  nauseating  to  the 
Moody  conspinitors,  as  "svell  as  distasteful  to  the  more  gene- 
rous and  sincere  religionists ;  however,  the  latter  would 
not  have  thought  of  interfering  or  menacing  Victor  Juno, 
although  violently  opposed  to  having  the  street  cars  run- 
ning on  their  holy  Sabbath,  had  not  the  bloody  conspirators 
thrown  firebrands  amongst  the  denominational  cliques ; 
who  were  thereby  persuaded,  almost  to  a  man,  that  there 
was  violent  danger  in  the  atmosphere,  or  the  good  Rev. 
Joe  Pier,  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  Nancy  Clover  and  company 
should  not  have  warned  the  believers. 

There  were  now  various  elements  at  work  :  The  sincere, 
but  misled  followers  of  the  flock  were  in  wonderful  earnest- 
ness ;  tlie  medical  clique  also  were  so  bitter  that  their  sin- 
cerity to  destroy  the  influence  of,  or  Mr.  Juno  himself, 
could  not  be  doubted ;  the  editorial  staff  laid  back  luitil 
they  could  lea7-n  who  would  Avin,  for  they  cared  not  a  whit 
for  either  party,  on  account  of  principle,  or  love  for  their 
"  hobbies,"  as  they  styled  their  causes,  but  they  were  after 
i\\e  filthy  lucre  and  high  positions  amongst  men,  whilst  the 
worldlings  rather  relished  the  battle  that  was  breeding  in 
the  air. 

The  latter  are  always  in  the  majority,  and  they  are  also 
ever  ready  to  investigate  anything  that  is  not  too  indecent 
or  inconsistent ;  still,  they  are  not  a  class,  under  existing 
morbid  civilized  life,  to  be  relied  upon  for  succor ;  because, 
having  been  misled  and  humbugged  from  infancy  to  old 
age,  by  the  professed  saints,  medical  lights,  political  hon- 
orables  and  lucre  grubbing  editorial  cliques,  as  a  natural 
consequence,  are  equally  suspicious  of  innovators. 

Moreover,  "the  people,"  not  being  educated  in  sound 
human  science,  do  very  little  or  no  tiiinking,  from  duty, 
upon  the  fixed  laws  of  nature  and  nature's  God  ;  hence  are 
naturally  suspicious,  irreverent  and  recklessly  impious  ; 
therefore  reformers  always  labor  under  very  unfavorable 
circumstances,  which  is  the  reason  that  all  genuine  reform- 
ers are  only  appreciated  many  years  after  they  have  gone 
beyond  this  shoal  of  tears. 


THE   COXSPIRATOP.S    AND   LOVERS.  53 

The  staunch  and  sincere  followers  of  the  sectarian 
churches  are  afraid  of  reformers  ;  the  standard  medical 
profession  is  too  dignilied  and  learned  (?)  in  potions  and 
fine  classic  terms  to  be  annoyed  by  rude  naturalists,  or  less 
scientific  charlatans ;  the  bloody  conspirators^  claiming  to 
possess  ownership,  by  might  if  not  by  right,  of  everything, 
entwine  themselves  around  the  hearts  of  the  unsuspecting 
and  innocent,  whilst  they  swear  allegiance  to  orthodoxy 
in  medicine  and  religion,  and  bitterly  detest  innovators ; 
the  newspaper  fraternity  and  municipal  rings  neither  fear 
nor  hate  orthodoxy  or  liberalists,  provided  the  pile  of 
stamps  is  balanced  ;  but,  when  the  precious  jingling  stuff 
inclines  one  way,  then  they  behold  more  respectability, 
decency  and  godliness  on  that  side  of  the  house. 

AVith  the  foregoing  illustration  of  the  position  of  Victor 
Juno,  the  reader  may  be  able  to  realize  the  unenviable 
state  of  a  heroic  reformer ;  but,  the  power  of  the  bona  fide 
natural  Christian,  or  normal  man,  is  immense  over  the 
weak  minds  of  a  sickly  nation,  as  will  be  seen  by  the  way 
Victor  Juno  holds  the  entire  commimity  uneasy,  causing 
thousands  to  quake  in  their  boots. 

He  takes  his  enemies  by  storm  and  rends  asunder  the 
sophistries  of  century-born  customs,  which  shakes  the 
foundations  of  falsely  erected  houses,  until  amazement 
stultifies  the  human  mind. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

VICTOR  jrNO'S  SCATHING   SERMON  IN  THE  THEATRE. 

(JfOTE.     The  reader  must  peruse  each  of  Victor  Juno's  Dis- 
courses or  he  cannot  understand  the  plot. ) 

ELOVED  FRIEXDS— I  will  speak  to  you  this 
evening  on  "  The  Rock  upon  which  '  The  Church'' 
Split.''''     I  have  nothing  new  to  offer,  but  as 
Shakespeare  says :  "  Old  things  wax  new  when 
lovers  grow  cold,"  and  I  argue  that  the  love  for  a  natural 


54  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

Creator,  who  has  made  everjthing  for  our  pleasure,  joy 
and  perpetual  bliss,  has  grown  very  cold.  In  sooth,  God 
and  nature  are  esteemed  vulgar  monitors,  if  we  accept  the 
actions  of  the  professed  saints  as  cri^rious  to  go  by. 

The  Old  and  New  Testaments  teach  sound  logic,  when 
we  have  the  key  to  unlock  the  meaning  of  the  mandates 
of  this  Bible.  It  is  very  much  a  book  like  the  arithmetic, 
and  as  long  as  it  is  read  by  everybody,  without  anybody 
having  the  key  by  whicli  alone  a  natural  or  scientific  re- 
ligion can  be  discovered,  "  The  Church''''  of  God  (which  is 
composed  of  all  the  wonderful  works  and  fixed  laws  of  God) 
will  be  continually  split  into  new  isms  and  schisms,  and 

"Each  stupid  sect,  in  error  bound, 
Think  they  the  only  road  have  found 
To  paradise  complete." 

There  exists  only  one  church,  namely,  the  Holy  Catholic, 
or  Universal,  or  Natural  Church  of  God,  and  Jesus  Christ 
Avas  the  Naturalist  who  established  it. 

There  are  no  such  things  in  God's,  or  Christ's,  or  na- 
ture's vocabulary  as  "clnirches."  Moreover,  a  "church  " 
is  not  a  house  made  of  bricks,  mortar,  wood  and  cushioned 
seats,  with  gilded  candlesticks  and  gaudy  or  plain  fixtures, 
blasphemously  dedicated  to  Almighty  God  (as  commonly 
called)  by  the  pharisees  and  blind  leaders  of  the  blind ; 
but,  a  "church,"  or  "THE  CHURCH,"  is  composed  of 
law,  order,  principle,  heavens,  earth,  air  and  all  the  multi- 
tudinous little  injunctions  of  the  Creator,  with  Jesus 
Christ's  simple,  pure  and  resolute  mind  at  the  head,  repre- 
senting himself  as  the  chief  corner  stone  ;  whilst  tlie  Holy 
Spirit  is  the  motive  power  that  incites  the  mind  to  a  full 
understanding  and  bona  fide  appreciation  of  the  Creator's 
fixed  laws  ;  hence,  the  Father,  Son  and  Holy  Spirit  are  in 
one  work — or  are  actually  one — and  yet  three  distinct 
heads,  or  principles. 

Tlierefore,  "The  Church  ''  cannot  be  dedicated  by  man 
who  is  born  and  bixnl  in  false  relations  to  lii'e — it  is  the 


THE   CONSPIRATORS    AND   LOVERS.  55 

height  of  presumption  to  talk  such  stuff;  but  man  can 
dedicate,  or  cousecrate,  or  devote  himself  to  "The  Church," 
if  he  cliooses  to  repent  of  his  bad  habits,  and  is  willing  to 
seek  and  find  wisdom  inside  of  God's  fixed  laws  of  life  and 
liealth  both  of  body  and  soul. 

Knowing,  therefore,  what  "  The  Church  of  God  "  is,  we 
can  soon  beliold  what  split  this  hallowed  natural  institu- 
tion, namely : 

"Reading  the  Bible,  without  first  understanding  the 
science  of  human  life,  or  laws  of  nature,  hence  not  being 
able  to  cypher  out  the  meaning  of  God  and  nature." 

One  must  understand  the  multiplication  table  before  he 
can  use  the  arithmetic  to  advantage  ;  so  also  one  must 
comprehend  a  true  anatomy  and  physiology  before  he  can 
understand  that  the  Bible  and  fixed  laws  of  nature  and 
nature's  God  agree. 

Beloved  friends,  having  given  you  the  key  to  the  Bible, 
namely,  a  knowledge  of  the  science  of  life;  and  having 
shown  that  God's  kingdom  suffers  violence  through  igno- 
rance of  his  fixed  laws  of  life  ;  therefore  this  ignorance  is 
the  "Rock  upon  which  'The  Church  '  Split." 

Let  me  reiterate,  that  the  bigoted  sectarian  and  partisan 
spirit  is  given  pre-eminence  over  God  and  nature.  God 
makes  the  beautiful  natural  country,  but  sinful  man  makes 
the  city  ;  the  latter  is  composed  of  the  abuse  of  the  Crea- 
tor's goodness,  is  a  heap  of  brick-and-mortar,  like  the 
sectarian  brick-and-mortar  churches,  but  has  no  keen 
conception  of  Christ-like  sympathy  for  the  poor,  the  fallen 
and  the  leprous.  INTo,  those  who  should  be  cared  for,  who 
should  be  raised,  healed  and  saved,  are  made  the  tools  and 
serfs  of  the  lucre  kings,  who,  pharisee-like,  can  ride  to  their 
gilded  brick-and-mortar  churches,  or  anywhere  else,  in 
handsome  coaches  on  Sunday ;  but  the  poor  laborer,  who 
is  the  bone  and  sinew  of  the  city,  is  not  allowed  to  have 
his  carriage  run  through  the  streets  of  this  immense  city 
on  the  only  day  of  rest ;  I  say  the  street  cars  shall  be  made 
to  run  on  Sunday  in  this  gre;it  heap  of  brick-and-mortar. 


56  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

Friends  of  free,  noble  America,  are  you  going  to  allow 
the  meanest  monarchy  on  earth  to  rob  you  of  your  inalien- 
able rights, — I  mean  the  sectarian  money-monarchy, — are 
you  going  to  stand  by,  rubbing  your  bloodsliot  eyes,  and 
blaming  God  for  the  miseries  and  serfdom  you  suffer,  whilst 
cunning,  craft,  hypocrisy  and  the  most  cruel  deceptions 
are  continually  practiced  upon  you  by  these  false  inter- 
preters of  the  Bible,  who  Avould  have  you  dance  to  their 
fiddle  or  see  you  suffer  the  veriest  slavery ;  but,  withal, 
howl  of  freedom  and  American  liberty  V 

Why,  my  dear  friends,  there  are  leaders  at  the  head  of 
these  misled  enthusiasts  who  would  enter  into  any  foul 
conspiracies  for  the  purpose  of  gaining  their  Pharisaical 
ends.  The  bloodiest  conspirators  of  all  ages  are  at  the 
helm  of  this  sanctimonious  work  of  deviltry.  They  crucify 
Christ  anew,  and  connive  to  slay  the  faithful  follower  of 
truth,  because  they,  claiming  to  be  the  chosen  people  of 
the  Lord,  think  they  own  lieaven,  earth,  man  and  his  lib- 
erty to  serve  God. 

Was  not  Jesus  Christ  arrested  on  the  Sabbath  day  for 
doing  good,  the  same  as  these  modern  vipers  arrest  all 
men  who  desire  to  think  and  act  as  they  deem  it  right  ? 
Did  Jesus  ever  use  trickery  like  this  to  subjugate  sinners  ? 
Did  he  delight  in  domineering,  lucre-grubbing  and  sancti- 
mony V  Nay,  nay ;  but  he  pronounced  the  following  terrible 
woes  upon  such  scoundrels  : 

"Wo  unto  you  scribes  and  pharisees,  hypocrites,  for  ye 
devour  widows'  houses,  and  for  a  pretence  make  long 
prayer ;  therefore  ye  shall  receive  the  greater  damnation. 
Ye  fools  and  blind  guides,  who  strain  at  a  gnat  and  swal- 
low a  camel. 

' '  Ye  serpents,  ye  generation  of  vipers,  how  can  ye  escape 
the  damnation  of  hell." 

With  Jesus  Christ,  God  and  nature,  I  cry  aloud  and 
spare  not  him  who  sets  himself  against  the  fixed  laws  of 
an  unchangeable  Creator,  and  1  exliort  and  pray  you^  in- 
stead of  God,  to  rise  up  as  one  man  and  slay  the  hydra- 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AXD    LOVERS.  57 

headed  monster  that  would  stay  the  stream  of  a  God- 
ordained  piety. 

I  ask  you  to  lead  natural  physiological  lives,  returning 
to  nature,  truth  and  sound  sense,  and  luiless  you  fight  for 
in-inciple  and  justice,  you  cannot  expect  salvation. 

"  I  live  to  hail  that  season. 

By  gifted  men  foretold, 
When  men  shnll  live  by  reason, 

And  not  alone  by  gold  ! 
When  man  to  man  united, 
And  every  wrong  thing  righted; 
The  whole  world  shall  be  lighted, 

As  Eden  was  of  old  !  " 

At  this  moment  the  meeting  was  interrupted  by  dirk 
knives  being  tlii'own  from  the  galleries  at  Victor  Juno, 
when  a  terrible  riot  arose. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

LUCINDA  ABDUCTED  AXD  IMPRISOXED. 


|HE  house  of  General  "Washington  Armington  was 
besieged  by  visitors  from  the  sainthood  ;  and 
although  the  faithful  Pat  O 'Conner  and  Judy 
McCrea  were  not  suspected  of  either  knowing 
anything  of  the  troubles  that  were  breeding,  or  of  being 
participants  in  the  diabolical  work  of  overthrowing  the 
sacred  temple  of  the  elect ;  yet,  truly,  they  were  in  secret 
conclave  with  Miss  Lucinda  Armington,  doing  bold  acts, 
whilst  the  sincere  and  bloody  conspirators  were  trying  to 
inveigle  the  general  into  a  plot  to  discard  Victor  Juno. 

Deacon  Rob  Stew  said  :  "  General,  are  you  not  afraid 
that  your  beautiful  daughter  will  get  a  bad  name  by  asso- 
ciating with  Victor  Juno,  because,  my  dear  brother,  you 
must  know  that  an  immense  odium  is  attached  to  that 
man  ?  " 


58  THE    SOCIAL    WAK    OF    1900;    OR, 

"  I  cannot  see  what  he  has  ever  done  to  cause  such  gos- 
sip about  the  brave  young  hero  ;  I  certainly  admire  liim 
very  much,  and  shall  stand  by  him  until  I  learn  of  acts  by 
him  that  are  unmanly,"  exclaimed  the  general. 

Pat  O'Conner  has  such  long  ears  that  he  was  overhear- 
ing this  little  conversation,  and  he  at  once  said  : 

''Me  lady,  that  divil  of  a  dacon  is  a  puttin'  mischafe 
unto  yer  father's  head  ;  but  I'll  shtop  him  strate,  if  ye  want 
me  to  do  it." 

"I  do,  Pat,  if  you  can  do  so  in  a  judicious  and  effectual 
manner,"  ejaculated  Miss  Armington. 

"Bedad,  lave  that  to  me,  an'  I'll  rattle  his  mutton  fur 
the  ould  liypocret,"  said  Pat. 

Pat  now  hurried  to  the  library,  where  the  general  and 
deacon  were  secretly  conversing,  and  imi»atiently  knocked 
at  the  door,  whilst  he  almost  simultaneously  cried  with  a 
loud  voice  : 

"  JNIe  honored  good  mashter,  I  was  tould  by  a  gintleman 
on  the  sthreet  that  ye  were  violantly  callhi'  an'  sarchin' 
fur  me  ;  here  I  bees,  at  yer  sarvice." 

General  Armington  told  him  to  come  in^  when  Pat  rattled 
off  a  lot  of  Irish  that  might  have  done  homage  to  a  king, 
whilst  he  bowed  profoundly  to  Deacon  Rob  Stew  and 
said  : 

"•  May  it  plaze  yer  honor,  if  I  say  to  ye,  that  the  worth- 
less paople  are  assaultin'  the  howly  saints;  I  mane  yer 
frinds,  way  down  by  Jabob's  plantation,  an'  the  Riverend 
Joe  Pier  and  Miss  Nancy  Clover  tould  me  to  ax  j'e,  should 
I  see  ye,  to  come  home  quickly,  fur  they  belave  a  riot  am 
abrakin'  out." 

"I'll  hasten,  general,  if  you'll  excuse  me,"  exclaimed 
the  deacon,  frightened  lest  Victor  Juno  was  arousing  the 
people  to  do  great  violence  to  the  believers. 

"Good  mashter,  I  have  somethin'  to  tell  jt,  if  I  tought 
ye  would  not  tink  me  too  bould,"  said  Pat. 

"  Not  at  all,  Pat,  go  on  and  tell  me,"  replied  the  general, 
recklessly,  with  however  more  than  ordinary  anxiety. 


THE    CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVERS.  59 

"  We-11,  ye  may  not  belave  me,  but  share  as  life  be  in 
me,  the  clacon,  what  jist  lift,  is  no  frinrl  of  me  Mishtress 
Lucinda  ;  becase,  I  heerd  him  spake  to  a  stranger  the  other 
evenin'  what  was  not  true,  nor  kind  to  spake  of  a  nice  lady 
like  Mishtress  Lucinda,"  said  Pat. 

''  Wliat  was  it,  Pat  V  "  demanded  General  Armington. 

"An'  shure,  good  mashter,  he  said  tow  the  stranger: 
'  Well,  brother,  I  have  discivered  that  Miss  Lucinda  Arm- 
ington is  a  fast  young  lady,  becase  she  has  visited  Victor 
Juno  in  they  dark  night,'  "  exclaimed  Pat,  angrily. 

"  How  does  it  come,  Pat,  that  he  would  make  such  a  re- 
mark in  your  hearing  ;  he  knows  that  you  live  with  us,  and 
would  not  utter  such  words  in  your  presence,  fearing  you 
might  tell  us  V  Where  was  this  ?  "  indignantly  ejaculated 
General  Armington,  who  thought,  "Pat,  you  are  either 
lying,  or  the  deacon  is  a  hypocrite." 

"Good  mashter,  belave  me,  an'  he  said  that  very  ting  ; 
but  it  was  one  dark  night,  whin  I  heerd  many  noises  along 
the  rood  as  I  was  acomin'  home  from  Judy's  father's,"  said 
Pat,  without  hesitation. 

"Surely,  Pat,  I  cannot  understand  this;  but  I  will  see 
by  and  by  what  it  means,"  responded  General  Armington. 

Pat  novr  sought  his  Judy  and  Miss  Armington,  to  tell 
them  how  he  worked  the  deacon's  mutton.  He  said  : 
"  Och,  be  me  howly  :Moses,  but  T  worked  the  dacon's  mut- 
ton ;  I  jist  made  him  belave  that  there  was  a  fight  down 
by  .Jabob's  plantation,  atween  his  howly  saints  an'  the 
worthless  paople,  an'  mind  ye,  he  belaved  every  word  uv 
it,  an'  Glared  right  strate  away  from  yer  noble  father ; 
whin  I  tould  yer  good  father,  what  will  cause  him  to  look 
to  the  ould  curmudg— excuse  me,  I  mane  hypocret,"  jocu- 
larly said  Pat. 

"  We  must  be  very  cautious  not  to  expose  our  secret 
Avorkings,  or  our  plans  will  prove  futile,  and  dear  father 
then  might  be  turned  against  Victor  Juno,"  sadly  re- 
sponded Miss  Armington. 

"But,  have  ye  herd  of  the  riot  last  Sunday  evenin' at 


60  THE  SOCIAL   AVAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

the  Walnut  Street  Theatre  ?    The  dirty  ould  dacon,  I'se 
sartin,  were  at  it  every  bit,"  said  Pat. 

•'■O,  yes,  I  have  learned  from  a  friend  who  was  there, 
that  tiiese  blood  thirsty  conspirators  had  sent  some  detec- 
tives hi  citizens'  clothes,  as  well  as  had  sprinkled  through- 
out the  theatre  some  of  their  own  disciples,  for  the  especial 
purpose  of  breaking  the  peace,  so  that  the  mayor  could 
find  a  legal  cause  to  arrest  Mr.  Juno.  But  they  were  un- 
able to  cause  the  audience  to  be  clamorous,  hence,  toward 
the  close  of  his  discourse,  threw  several  dirks  from  the 
galleries  toward  ]Mr.  Juno,  which  missed  him,  thank  God, 
but  sank  deep  into  the  boards  of  the  floor  all  around 
him;  and  as  soon  as  the  people  saw  this  outrage,  they 
made  for  the  scoundrels  who  were  seen  throwing  the 
knives. 

"The  enemies  to  Mr.  Juno  were  too  few  to  stand  a 
battle,  therefore  the  apparent  riot  was  soon  calmed  ;  but 
the  mayor  and  bloody  conspirators  w-ere  afraid  of  the 
people,  who  were  well  pleased  with  Mr.  Juno's  sermon, 
otherwise  he  would  have  been  arrested,"  said  Miss  Arm- 
ington. 

It  was  now  getting  late  in  the  evening,  and  the  general 
having  retired  to  bed,  Miss  Lucinda  Armington,  Pat 
O'Conner  and  Judy  McCrea  were  still  talking  over  these 
exciting  times ;  because  Miss  Armington  had  now  no 
trustworthy  friends,  amongst  all  her  many  ^lite  acquaint- 
ances, in  whom  she  dared  to  trust ;  only  her  faithful  ser- 
vants were  left  her. 

These  humble,  but  cunning,  Irish  lovers  grew  in  !Miss 
Armington's  esteem  to  a  wonderful  degree  of  respectability 
and  moral  worth,  wiien  she  compared  them  to  all  her 
pious  (?)  friends,  who  were  now  determined  to  have  her 
desert  Mr.  Juno,  or  they  should  desert  her.  However, 
death  would  be  preferable  to  unfaithfulness  to  her  be^ 
trothed  husband. 

At  last  the  servants  also  retired  to  rest,  but  Miss  Lu- 
cinda remained  in  the  dining  room  alone,  meditating  over 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  61 

what  she  should  or  could  do  to  be  of  service  to  her  beloved 
Victor. 

After  sittiug  for  an  hour  in  a  meditative  mood,  she 
thoughtlessly  opened  a  door  that  led  to  the  fine  garden, 
and  whilst  thinking  only  of  Victor,  she  found  herself 
walking  under  the  magnificent  trees,  which  were  inter- 
woven with  shrubbery,  and,  O,  horror!  suddenly  she  felt 
something  thrown  over  her  head,  which  was  the  last  she 
remembered  that  night. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

VICTOK  ABDUCTED  AND  IMPRISONED, 


[HE  bloody  conspirators  worked  hard  and  faithfully 
to  influence  their  people,  besides  throwing  baits 
and  firebrands  amongst  those  who  were  in  less 
reputable  pursuits,  sucli  as  rum,  tobacco,  per- 
fumery dealers  and  patent  medicine  venders ;  showing 
plainly,  that  if  Victor  Juno's  teachings  were  accei)ted  by 
the  people^  there  would  be  an  end  to  orthodox  creeds  ;  and 
medical  doctors,  medicines,  rum,  tobacco,  toilet  articles 
and  tlae  thousand-and-one  fashionable  make-ups  and  un- 
necessary artificial  paraphernalia  would  be  useless,  and 
the  manufacture  and  sale  of  these  articles  would  totally 
cease  ;  therefore  the  thousands  of  peoi)le  who  make  a  good 
livelihood  at  these  trades  would  lose  the  means  of  making 
a  living  through  such  doctrines  as  Victor  Juno  advocated. 

This  kind  of  logic  was  convincing  to  those  who  cannot 
see  God  in  natural  things ;  but,  who  are  born,  bred  and 
educated  under  artificial  logic,  artificial  habits,  and  as 
Victor  Juno  says  :  "They  live  by  art,  doctor  by  art,  and 
ex])ect  to  fly  to  glory  on  golden  wings." 

The  bloody  conspirators  are  not  idiots  nor  simpletons,  but 
deep,  cunning  villains,  who  understand  all  about  tlie 
I)ower  of  God's  holy  laws  ;  and  whilst  they  are  not  able  to 


62  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

teach  sound  doctrines,  they  can  nevertheless  comprehend 
Avhat  such  doctrines  imply  when  presented  to  their  senses 
by  tlie  true  naturalist.  Therefore  they  are  envious  and 
jealous  beyond  endurance  of  the  man  who  dare  present 
sounder  and  holier  teachings  than  have  been  advocated 
and  followed  by  themselves. 

Here,  then,  is  a  bugbear  that  must  be  removed  at  all 
hazards,  and  as  the  followers  of  the  sectarian  creeds  are 
not  so  wide-awake  and  apt  to  comprehend  good  and  evil  as 
the  bloody  conspirators,  the  latter  find  it  no  trouble  at  all 
to  control  and  wheedle  these  sincere  and  innocent  fol- 
lowers of  the  believers ;  hence,  in  one  short  week,  these 
four  bloody  conspirators— Rqw  Joe  Pier,  Deacon  Kob  Stew, 
Sister  Kancy  Clover  and  Dr.  Toy  Fancy— have  the  whole 
religious  community  in  a  blaze  of  earnest  zeal  for  the 
rescue  of  sinners  from  the  infidel  and  heretical  teachings 
of  this  vile  innovator,  who  thinks  nothing  of  preaching 
his  profligate  doctrines  in  a  play-house  on  the  holy  Sab- 
bath day,  there  to  urge  on  the  masses  of  worldlings  to 
violate  the  holy  Lord's  day  by  running  the  street  cars  on 
the  Sabbath. 

The  following  Sunday  the  great  majority  of  ministers 
preached  special  sermons  on  this  man  Juno,  denouncing 
him  in  the  most  severe  terms  that  it  was  possible  for  them 
to  utter  and  seem  saintly.  They  urged  their  people  to  use 
every  means  to  destroy  the  influence  of  this  sacrilegious 
innovator  ;  and  also  requested  their  Sabbath  school  teach- 
ers to  command  and  exhort  their  pupils  not  to  go  where 
Victor  Juno  was,  nor  to  dare  to  read  or  touch  any  of  his 
books  or  advertisements. 

Any  reasonable  free  thinker,  who  does  his  own  flunk- 
ing, may  at  a  glance  behold  the  poAver  that  these  bloody 
conspirators  were  waelding  ;  but  this  was  only  a  droj)  in 
Victor  Juno's  cup,  and  truly  thus,  "  Bad  begins,  but  worse 
remains  behind." 

Deacon  Rob  Stew  failing  to  impress  General  Wash- 
ington Armington  favorably,  when  he  had  a  secret  inter- 


THE    CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVERS.  63 

view,  in  the  general's  library,  with  him ;  and  having  it 
from  the  general's  own  lips,  that  he  should  stand  by  Mr. 
Juno  until  lie  saw  improper  acts  on  the  part  of  Victor 
Juno,  caused  the  bloody  conspirators  to  abduct  both 
him  and  Miss  Armington,  and  announce  to  the  general 
that  Victor  Juno  had  eloped  with  his  faithful  daughter 
Lucinda. 

They  telegraphed  to  Pittsburg,  and  later  to  Chicago,  to 
their  sectarian  equals,  to  send  telegrams  back,  stating 
that  a  Mr.  Juno  and  the  handsome  daughter  of  General 
Washington  Armington  were  seen  in  those  places  ;  thus 
having  bo7ia  fide  proofs  to  present  to  the  general's  own 
eyes,  that  his  daughter  was  seduced  and  carried  away  by 
this  ruthless  person. 

When  the  general  received  this  sad  news,  he  was  almost 
paralyzed  with  amazement ;  but  Pat  O 'Conner  and  Judy 
McCrea,  who  had  been  faithful  servants  for  long  years, 
whispered  earnest  comfort  into  the  general's  ears,  and 
even  exposed  some  tangible  deviltry  of  some  of  the  pious 
clique ;  however,  Pat  was  too  wise  and  cunning  to  open 
his  secrets  too  far  to  any  one  ;  because  he  had  unbounded 
confidence  in  Victor  Juno,  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  and 
a  just  God ;  therefore  felt  certain  that  everything  would 
turn  out  right  in  the  end. 

The  general  was  between  two  fires,  as  he  was  inclined 
to  believe  the  bloody  consinrators ;  in  fact,  they  gave  him 
convincing  proof ;  but,  on  the  other  hand,  he  had  too 
much  faith  in  his  beautiful  and  affectionate  daughter  to 
believe  she  would  play  so  wickedly ;  and  he  also  believed 
what  Pat  O'Conner  and  Judy  McCrea  whispered  to  him. 
At  any  rate,  he  was  persuading  himself  that  his  fair 
Ttaughter  was  not  the  girl  that  the  saints  made  her  appear ; 
and  he  made  up  his  mind  to  remain  vmprejudiced,  but 
wait  and  watch. 

He  set  himself  to  work  to  learn  when  Victor  Juno  left 
his  own  house  ;  and  by  a]>plying  to  Mr.  Juno's  civil  male 
servant,  the  latter  told  him  that  his  master  was  last  seen 


64  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

going  dowu  Chestnut  street,  about  eleven  o'clock  in  the 
evening  of  last  Thursday. 

On  that  very  Thursday  night  Miss  Armington  also  dis- 
appeared ;  so,  according  to  this  statement,  they  left,  or 
were  disposed  of,  at  the  same  time. 

Victor  Juno  was  not  a  suspicious  man,  but  rather  be- 
lieved that  people  were  more  honest  than  their  actions 
proved;  and,  on  account  of  his  immense  benevolence,  he 
very  readily  trusted  those  whom  he  should  have  shunned, 
and  by  so  doing  he  was  very  easily  led  into  a  perfect  trap. 
As  he  turned  the  corner  of  Fourth  and  Chestnut  streets, 
he  spied  a  gentlemanly  looking  man  coming  straight  to- 
ward him,  who  bowed  profoundly  and  said  : 

"You  are  Dr.  Victor  Juno,  are  you  not  V  " 

"  Yes,  sir,  that  is  my  name,"  responded  Dr.  Juno. 

(Hereafter  Ave  shall  preface  Victor  Juno's  name  with 
Doctor. ) 

"Mr.  Wm.  T.  Josephs,  of  Kingsessing,  sent  me  in 
great  haste  to  bring  you  to  his  .residence,  his  daughter 
is  very  ill,  and  he  desires  your  services,"  exclaimed  the 
stranger. 

"  I  should  be  happy  to  go,  but  how  shall  we  go  ;  at  pres- 
ent my  carriage  is  not  home  V  "  said  Dr.  Juno. 

"Mr.  Josephs'  close  carriage  is  waiting  at  a  friend's  in 
Walnut  street.  1  am  to  bring  a  male  servant  with  me 
also,  and  whilst  he  was  packing  up  his  duds,  I  proposed  to 
go  direct  to  your  office,  and  ask  you  to  get  ready  to  go,  and 
I  thought  by  the  time  the  driver  got  around  to  your  office, 
you  might  be  ready  to  jump  in,  and  thus  we  should  not 
lose  any  time,"  interposed  the  stranger. 

"Certainly,"  said  Dr.  Juno. 

"  But,  d  icior,  as  I  liave  found  you  here,  if  you  have  the 
kindness,  you  would  better  accompany  me  down  to  Walnut 
street,  where  we  can  get  into  the  carriage,  and  stop  at  your 
office  on  our  Avay  out  there,  if  you  choo.-:e.  to  stop  ti.ro," 
interposed  the  stranger. 

"  I  Avill  do  so ;  nor  is  it  necessary  for  me  to  stop  at  my 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  65 

office,  but  we  had  better  hurry  to  Mr.  Josephs',  if  his 
daughter  is  so  sick,"  said  Dr.  Juno. 

"Thank  you,  sir;  here  comes  the  carriage  already," 
responded  the  stranger. 

The  gentlemanly  man,  whose  face  was  somewhat 
familiar  to  Dr.  Juno,  motioned  to  the  driver  to  drive  to 
the  curb,  which  was  in  a  rather  illy  lit  part  of  the  street ; 
the  driver  jumped  from  his  box,  opened  the  carriage 
door,  when  the  male  servant  stepped  out,  and  Dr.  Juno 
was  politely  invited  to  step  in,  the  stranger  and  pretended 
servant  following,  the  driver  closed  the  door,  and  off  rolled 
the  vehicle. 

All  were  silent ;  but  in  a  few  moments  Dr.  Juno  felt 
some  strange  sensations,  and  looking  around  the  carriage 
saw  what  seemed  to  be  a  bundle  of  clothes,  which  he 
thought  was  the  servant's  wardrobe,  when  suddenly,  as 
they  turned  a  dark  corner,  he  was  vigorously  grasped  and 
gagged,  and  bound  hand  and  foot,  so  that  he  was  entirely 
powerless. 

The  carriage  was  rattled  along  speedily,  turning  an  innu- 
merable quantity  of  corners,  until,  after  driving  for  what 
seemed  an  age  to  Dr.  Juno,  it  ceased  to  rattle,  having 
struck  a  country  road,  and  after  continuing  straight  ahead 
for  wliat  seemed  a  long  time,  a  few  turns  were  made,  when 
the  team  was  stopped,  and  in  great  darkness  he  was 
roughly  seized  by  four  men  and  carried  into  a  damp  apart- 
ment, and  dumped  on  a  hard  cemented  floor,  when  a  voice 
said : 

"  Have  you  got  him  safe  and  sound  ?  " 

"All  right,"  responded  another  brutal  voice  ;  then  they 
all  departed,  and  the  last  that  Dr.  Juno  heard  of  them 
that  night  was  the  rattling  of  several  immense  keys  as 
they  locked  the  doors. 
5 


QQ  THE   SOCIAL   WAR  OF    1900;   OR, 


CHAPTER  XV. 

REPORTED  ELOPEMENT  AND  SEDUCTION  OF  LUCINDA 
BY  VICTOR. 

^gjISTER  KANCY  CLOVER  had  been  spreading 
secretly  amongst  her  circle  of  saints  the  delight. 
ful  gossiping  news  that  Miss  Lucinda  Arming- 
ton  was  not  what  she  ought  to  be,  having  been 
too  intimate  with  this  rou^,  Victor  Juno,  and,  of  course, 
since  both  Dr.  Victor  Juno  and  Miss  Lucinda  Armington 
disappeared  at  the  same  time,  the  entire  community 
believed  that  an  elopement  was  certain.  • 

A  great  deal  of  sympathy  was  felt  and  expressed  for 
General  Washington  Armington,  and  whilst  many  saints 
innately  rejoiced  at  the  calamity  that  had  befallen  the 
general,  they  nevertheless  were  free  with  their  expressions 
of  pity  for  the  poor  misled  daughter,  whilst  they  denounced 
to  General  Armington 's  face  this  profligate  son  of  toil, 
whose  "out-growth"  was  plainly  to  be  seen  in  this 
ungrateful  act  to  his  benefactor  and  intended  father-in- 
law. 

The  general  would  not  allow  any  one  to  say  anything 
cruel  of  his  daughter  or  Dr.  Juno ;  because  he  believed 
them  innocent  of  crime.  He  soliloquized  thus  :  "  Why 
should  my  faithful  and  loving  daughter  elope  with  Victor 
Juno,  or  wliy  should  7ie  desire  to  do  so,  as  long  as  I  en- 
couraged their  union  ?  " 

Whilst  the  general  was  thus  in  deep  meditation,  Deacon 
Rob  Stew  was  ushered  into  the  library  of  the  f ormer,where 
the  general  sat  with  downcast  countenance. 

"Good  morning,"  cheerfully  said  Deacon  Stew. 

"Good  morning,"  coldly  replied  the  general. 

"  My  dear  brother,  do  not  take  this  elopement  so  seriously 
to  heart,  for  I  have  rather  good  news  for  you  " — 

"  What  is  it  V  "  interposed  the  general,  impatiently. 


THE   COXSPIRATOES   AND    LOVERS.  67 

"  Why,  sir,  I  have  just  received  a  letter  from  Xew  York, 
from  a  faithful  brother,  who  says  that  he  saw  a  lady  and 
gentleman  answering  to  the  description  of  Miss  Lucinda 
and  Dr.  Juno,  take  passage  on  a  vessel  for  Liverpool  last 
week,"  responded  Deacon  Rob  Stew. 

"Indeed,  sir;  but  I  don't  believe  it,"  said  the  unsuspi- 
cious general. 

"Don't  believe  it ;  what  reason  have  you  to  doubt  itV 
surely  they  have  eloped  " — 

"  Silence,  Deacon  Stew,"  furiously  and  frantically  ejacu- 
lated the  general,  and  continued,  "  I  believe  that  there  is 
some  foul  plot  at  work  to  remove  these  innocent  young 
people  from  my  presence  ;  they  were  not  opposed  by  me  in 
their  desire  to  become  man  and  wife ;  then  why  should 
they  elope,  I  want  to  know  V  " 

"  General,  you  confound  my  ideas  ;  but  if  you  had  not 
lost  patience  with  me,  I  think  I  could  set  your  mind  at 
ease  on  this  subject,"  said  Deacon  Stew,  tremblingly  and 
much  frightened. 

"Well,  sir,  I  am  all  patience,  speak,"  replied  the  gen- 
eral. 

"  Pardon  me  when  I  say  that  I  am  confident  that  Miss 
Armington  was  jiure  ;  but  Dr.  Juno  did  not  desire  mar- 
riage with  your  daughter,  he  liad  other  designs  upon  the 
lovely  and  unsuspecting  daughter  of  your  house  ;  and  this 
is  the  reason  that  he  eloped  with  her,  very  likely  promising 
marriage,"  said  the  deacon. 

"  Oh,  horrible  !  horrible  ! !  "  exclaimed  the  general, 

"  Dear  brother,  please  be  consoled,  and  trust  in  the 
Lord,"  solemnly  said  the  bloody  deacon. 

"Oh,  deacon!  I  have  never  dreamt  of  what  you  just 
insinuated  ;  but  I  now  feel  that  my  poor  child  has  fallen 
into  the  hands  of  a  monster  !  "  exclaimed  the  general,  with 
great  tears  in  his  eyes. 

"If  you  desire  it,  dear  brother,  I  will  do  my  utmost  to 
arrest  this  demon  ;  or,  probably,  it  would  be  as  well  for  us 
to  telegraph  to  Liverpool,  and  request  the  authorities 
there  to  arrest  him,  when  he  arrives,"  said  the  deacon. 


68  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF   1900;   OR, 

"  N'o,  good  brother ;  I  think  I  had  better  at  once  get 
ready  and  follow  these  truant  children,  I  will  take  two 
good  male  servants  with  me,  and  start  for  Liverpool  to- 
morrow, for  I  have  no  heart  to  live  here  whilst  disgrace 
and  ruination — yes,  and  probably  desertion — may  befall  my 
dear  child. 

"Oh,  daughter!  daughter!  what  have  you  done?  I 
have  centred  my  whole  life,  soul  and  spirit  on  you,  and 
for  you  to  be  thus  snatched  from  me  is  more  than  an  old 
man  can  endure.  God,  O  God  I  aid  and  comfort  my  bleed- 
ing heart !  "  exclaimed  the  heart-broken  general. 

The  deacon  was  internally  spoiling  with  delight  to  think 
that  his  plans  had  worked  so  very  excellently,  and 
thought  he : 

"  When  Sister  Nancy  Clover  learns  the  real  state  of 
things  she  will  fairly  glut  over  the  success  of  our  plot,  and 
be  doubly  deliglited  at  the  distress  of  the  general,  and  dis- 
comfiture of  his  hateful  daughter. 

"She  will  seek  the  general,  and  offer  her  saintliest  sym- 
pathy and  most  energetic  assistance ;  but  when  the  general 
is  gone  to  Europe,  we  shall  have  a  clear  track  before  us ; 
truly,  wont  I  go  to  the  proud,  stuck-up  and  apostate  Miss 
Lucinda  Armington's  prison,  and  dictate  my  own  terms  of 
peace.  Ila  !  ha  !  my  caged  bird,  I'll  save  you  the  trouble 
of  disguising  yourself  again,  for  the  purpose  of  acting  the 
aunt,  to  spoil  our  holy  plans ;  and  as  for  the  heroic  and 
celebrated  Dr.  (?)  Juno,  he  shall  feed  on  slim  victuals, 
whilst  a  lingering  death  shall  be  his  most  certain  portion 
this  time  ;  yea,  verily,  and  I  shall  let  him  know  that  it  was 
I, — Deacon  Hob  Stew, — of  the  Orthodox  Faith,  who  insti- 
gated and  managed  his  ruin  for  molesting  the  elect  in  their 
God-ordained  work  of  Christianity." 

The  deacon  now  repaired  to  headquarters  of  the  bloody 
conspirators,  to  inform  them  of  the  state  of  General  Arm- 
ington's mind  ;  whilst  the  general  was  at  work  making 
preparations  to  leave  for  Liverpool.  He  called  Pat  O'Con- 
nor and  Judy  McCrea  to  his  side,  and  told  them  that  he 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AXD   LOVERS.  69 

was  going  to  Europe  to  seek  his  daughter,  and.  as  they  had 
always  been  faittiful  servants,  he  si)ould  give  everything 
into  ttieir  cliarge,  and  he  hoped  and  felt  conhdent  that  they 
would  prove  faithful  to  him  in  his  hour  of  sore  distress. 
Here  Pat  could  not  hold  his  peace  any  longer,  and,  inter- 
rupting the  general,  said : 

"Jb'atli,  me  good  mashter,  an'  may  me  sowl  rot  ef  I 
don't  be  tru  to  ye  ;  an'  whats  morer,  I'll  sake  fur  Mishtress 
Lucinda  meself,  an'  fur  good  young  Mishter  Juno." 

"Pat,  never  mention  the  name  of  that  villain,  Juno, 
again,  if  you  do  not  want  to  insult  me,"  in  great  agitation 
responded  the  general. 

"  Howly  Sant  Patrick,  but  me  mashter  is  desaved  by  that 
ould  divil,  Dacon  Stew,"  meditated  Pat,  and  said  aloud, 
"Och,  good  mashter,  yer  ould  servant   meant  no  harm 

whin  I  spok  ov  Mishter  J ,  pardon  me,  I  didn't  mane 

to  spake  that  name  agin  ;  but  I'll  do  as  ye  plaze,  an'  Judy 
will  hilp  me,  wont  ye,  Judy  ?  "  said  Pat. 

"An'  shure  I  will,  wid  all  me  hart,"  responded  Judy. 

Pat  and  Judy  now  saw  that  the  deepest  kind  of  villany 
was  at  work,  and  he  said  to  Judy : 

"Judy,  darlin',  I  sees,  be  me  sowl,  that  these  dirty  vag- 
gabones  have  hided  away  !Miss  Armington  an'  Dr.  Juno, 
an'  may  I  sace  to  be  an  Irishman  ef  I  don't  blarney 
them  till  1  diskiver  all  their  diviltry  an'  find  me  swate 
mishtress." 

"  Och,  Pat,  an'  I  pray  Sant  Patrick  that  ye  may  not  fale 
tow  do  it,  an"  I'll  hilp  ye  do  it,  ef  I  die,"  earnestly  said 
Judy  McCrea. 

The  general  left  the  next  day  amid  the  sympathies  of  the 
many  who  bade  him  adieu  and  God-speed.  But  he  did  not 
seem  to  care  or  notice  anything,  except  his  anxiety  to  get 
off  as  speedily  as  possible. 

No  sooner  had  he  departed  until  Deacon  Rob  Stew  went 
to  General  Armington 's  residence,  to  pump  Pat  O'Conner 
and  Judy  McCrea,  for  the  purpose  of  ascertaining  if  they 
knew  or  even  suspected  anything  of  the  abduction  of  these 
young  lovers.    He  said  to  Pat : 


70  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"Good  Pat,  your  master  has  now  gone  to  Europe  on  a 
great  mission  of  mercy  to  his  poor  child,  and  lie  told  me  to 
look  after  things  whilst  he  is  away  ;  of  course,  you  are  to 
have  charge  of  everything  " — 

"So  I  tought,"  interposed  Pat,  a  little  surly. 

"  But  you  must  know  that  the  general  was  in  such  a 
distressed  state  of  mind  that  he  did  not  realize  the  respon- 
sibility you  had  resting  on  your  shoulders  in  his  and  his 
daughter's  absence,"  gently  and  sympathetically  responded 
the  deacon. 

"Shure,  yer  honor,  ye  are  right,  an'  I'd  be  a  miserable 
divil  to  not  belave  ye  had  the  good  ov  us  at  hart,"  humbly 
said  Pat. 

"  Where  is  Judy,  and  what  does  she  think  of  this  elope- 
ment y  "  exclaimed  the  deacon. 

"  What  should  she  tink  ov  it,  yer  honor,  but  that  Mishter 
Juno  bees  a  dirty  blackgard,"  impatiently  and  indignantly 
said  Pat ;  but,  thought  he,  "  If  only  Judy  will  not  cum 
here  now,  becase  this  ould  curmudgon  mite  smuggle  some 
wrong  idees  out  ov  her  innocence." 

At  that  moment  Judy  McCrea  was  heard  in  another 
part  of  the  house,  screaming  murder  at  the  top  of  her  voice  I 


CHAPTEE  XVI. 

LUCINDA'S  THRILLING  PRAYER  AND  LAMENTATIONS 
IN  PRISON. 

fISr  the  night  that  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  was 
abducted  from  the  lawn  of  her  father,  there 
were  great  preparations  being  made  at  a  cele- 
brated insane  asylum  near  West  Philadelphia,  for 
the  reception  of  two  dangerous  and  incurable  lunatics. 

For  one  of  these  insane  persons  an  underground  dungeon 
was  being  rapidly  finished  ;  because  the  physician-in-chief 
at  the  asylum  was  informed  that  this  patient  could  not 


THE   COXSPIKATOES   AXD   LOVEKS.  71 

bear  the  light  of  the  sun  and  constellations  without  dis- 
turbing the  peace  of  his  own  and  other  people's  minds. 
Darkness,  total  darkness,  and  perfect  solitude  were  the 
only  panaceas  to  quiet  his  nerves  and  cause  a  serene  state 
of  human  conscience. 

Moreover,  tlie  sound  of  human  voice  proved  an  injury 
to  this  most  peculiarly  affected  lunatic  ;  therefore  an  im- 
mensely thick  wall,  and  correspondingly  heavy  laded  doors 
were  constructed  for  such  patients,  which  was  a  necessity 
only  of  very  recent  occurrence. 

In  another  portion  of  this  same  pious  and  generous 
orthodox  insane  asylum,  on  the  third  floor,  was  prepared 
an  exti-a  private,  strong,  but  comfortable  cell  for  a  patient 
who  could  not  endOre  human  sounds,  but  was  benefited 
by  light  and  comfort. 

Tins  cell  was  not  accessible  by  any  one  except  the  highest 
officials  and  Deacon  Rob  Stew ;  the  latter  was  the  most 
powerful  man  in  the  entire  community  of  the  elect  saints. 

The  physician-in-chief  of  this  humanitarian  asylum  was 
a  faithful  brother  of  the  faith,  who  fully  confided  in  the 
little  secret  prayers  and  holy  plans  of  the  Uoody  conspira- 
tors: and  all  his  assistants  and  servants,  excepting  one 
Irishman,  were  equally  faithful ;  for  convenience'  sake,  we 
will  call  this  unfaithful  to  the  faithful,  Jemmy,  who  was 
a  man  of  strong  sympathies  for  the  fallen,  depraved  and 
miserable,  and  whose  honesty  had  no  flaw  in  its  compo- 
sition. Jemmy  was  the  most  trustworthy  servant  in  the 
asylum,  and  the  physician-in-chief  invariably  commanded 
Jemmy  to  watch  the  other  keepers  and  the  help  ;  making 
him  a  kind  of  superintendent  or  overseer  amongst  the 
many  employes,  and  therefoi'e  the  latter  dreaded  Jemmy, 
because  whatever  report  of  delinquency  and  disobedience 
he  would  make  to  the  head  of  the  place  would  be  accepted 
as  truth,  from  which  no  appeal  would  benefit  aught. 

We  might  here  state  that  Jemmy  was  a  bosom  friend  of 
Pat  O'Conner.  and  a  distant  relative  of  Judy  McCrea,who 
frequently  visited  Pat  and  Judy  at  General  Washington 


72  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OK, 

Armington's  residence  ;  therefore  he  had  often  seen  Miss 
Lucinda  Aiaiingtoji,  and  Pat  on  several  occasions  pointed 
out  Dr.  Victor  Juno  to  Jemmy  as  being  the  accepted  lover 
of  Miss  Lucinda  Armingtou. 

Jenuny  believed  tiiat  tlieir  asylum  Avas  a  model  humani- 
tarian institution,  whose  physieian-iu-chief,  and  the  man- 
agers thereof,  were  the  best  men  living  ;  and,  although  he 
was  a  Roman  Catholic,  he  believed  that  his  emi)loyers  were 
as  near  saints  as  Protestants  could  be. 

On  numerous  occasions  he  told  Pat  O'Conner  that  these 
gentlemen  were  very  pious,  being  also  continually  devoted 
to  acts  of  charity,  and  besides  prayed  and  worshipped  God 
zealously,  which  he  (Jemmy)  esteemed  the  highest  attri- 
butes of  Christianity,  even  if  they  were  not  Catholics. 

Pat,  however,  had  less  faith  in  such  men,  after  he  be- 
came acquainted  with  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  who  wa's  the 
president  of  the  insane  asylum. 

Nearly  all  the  leading  orthodox  religionists,  except  the 
Roman  Catholics,  had.  an  interest  in  this  philanthropic 
asylum  for  the  insane,  and  no  doubt  nearly  all  of  them 
esteemed  it  a  most  Christian  and  exemplary  institution. 
They  had  formed  themselves  into  a  guardianship  ;  hence, 
were  privileged  members  of  the  asylum  to  visit  every  por- 
tion of  it,  except  those  few  departments  where  incurable 
lunatics  were  confined,  whose  idiosyncrasies  were  of  that 
peculiar  character  that  human  voices,  etc.,  could  not  be 
endured  by  them  ;  to  these  departments  no  one  liad  access 
excei)t  the  physician-in-chief,  a  few  of  the  bloody  comjnra- 
tors,  and  the  servants. 

Few  of  the  latter  were  even  permitted  to  enter  upon 
these  sacred  parts  of  the  asylum.  The  cells  of  tliese  depart- 
ments were  seldom  cleaned  by  imy  one  except  tlie  prisoners 
tliemselves  ;  who,  by  a  confidential  announcement,  we  may 
say,  were  never  too  crazy  or  ill,  from  the  onset  of  their  in- 
carceration, to  do  their  own  work.  And  these  limatics 
were  fed  through  a  peculiarly  contrived  apparatus,  wliich 
prevented  the  waiter  or  keeper  from  seeing  the  patient. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  73 

The  basement  cells  were  complete  dungeons,  where  total 
darkness  prevailed ;  but  the  third-story  cells  of  these  de- 
partments were  supplied  with  a  good  degree  of  light ;  how- 
ever, shutters  were  so  constructed  to  the  windows  that 
total  darkness  could  be  produced  in  a  moment,  which 
seemed  often  necessary  when  peculiar  examinations  of  pa- 
tients were  required. 

Many  of  the  patients  who  were  confined  in  these  sacredly 
secret  cells  were  females,  who  would  not  submit  to  certain 
tutorage  on  open  terra  firma,  and  who  could  be  more  thor- 
oughly managed,  subdued  and  cured  by  total  darkness, 
shielding  the  disciplinarian  from  unpleasant  recognition, 
than  by  permitting  the  light  of  heaven  to  co-operate  in  the 
consummating  of  the  holy  work. 

It  was  seldom  necessary  to  introduce  instruments  of  tor- 
ment into  this  department  of  the  asylum  ;  but,  solemnized 
religious  worship,— prayer,  exhortation,  and  singing  by  the 
saints,— was  frequently  introduced  with  signal  success. 

It  is  almost  beyond  the  conception  of  mortals  how  pecu- 
liarly zealous  some  of  these  bloody  conspirators  were  in  the 
work  of  subjugating  those  whom  they  loved  with  a  wicked 
hatred. 

The  female  cells  also  had  several  secret  doors  to  them, 
which  were  an  auxiliary  to  the  work  of  restoring  sanity  to 
the  heads  and  hearts  of  the  fair  sex,  who  were  victims  to 
these  sacred  apartments  of  the  elect. 

Miss  Lucinda  Armington  first  opened  her  ej^es  to  con- 
sciousness, after  appearing  in  her  father's  lawn  on  the 
night  of  her  abduction,  in  one  of  these  female  cells,  on  the 
third  floor  of  this  insane  asylum.  She  could  not  imagine 
where  she  was,  and  for  what  purpose  slie  would  be  in  this 
unpleasant  place.  She  rose  from  her  neat  little  couch,  and 
surveyed  the  tidy  little  apartment,  which  was  neatly  and 
very  comfoi'tably  furnished,  but  withal  there  was  an  air  of 
horror  connected  with  the  appearance  of  things. 

She  examined  tlie  door,  which  she  found  was  locked  ; 
next,  she  examined  the  floor  and  walls,  but  found  them 


74  THE    SOCIAL    WAR    OF    1900;    OR, 

solid  and  sound ;  and  as  to  the  window,  she  could  not 
exiimine  it,  because  it  was  a  skylight,  situated  duecUy 
overhead,  and  althougli  there  was  a  table,  chair  and  bed  in 
the  room,  slie  piled  them  upon  each  other,  and  managed  to 
climb  on  top  of  them  ;  but  she  was  then  a  few  feet  too 
short  to  reach  to  the  skylight.  She  replaced  her  furniture, 
and  began  to  pound  on  tlie  floor,  door  and  walls,  but  all 
sounded  dead  and  dull,  without  the  least  response  from 
any  one.  Xext,  she  screamed  at  the  top  of  her  voice,  but 
to  no  effect ;  when  she  thought : 

''  Oh,  great  heaven  !  why  am  I  thus  confined  in  this  liv- 
ing tomb  V  Can  this  be  a  prison  V  But  why  should  I  be 
confined  in  it  V  Where  was  I  to  my  last  recollection  ?  Let 
me  think ;  O,  yes,  I  remember  ;  Pat  O 'Conner,  Judy 
McCrea  and  mj'self  sat  in  our  dining-room,  conversing 
over  the  outrage  that  had  happened  to  dear  Victor  at  the 
theatre  ;  and  I  now  remember  of  having  gone  out  into  the 
lawn,  wlien  suddenly  something  nasty  was  thrown  over  my 
head,  whilst  at  the  same  moment  some  strong  hands 
grasped  my  body,  and  I  knew  nothing  more. 

''  Surely,  I  was  tlien  carried  to  this  prison.  Oh,  horror  ! 
horror!  What  may,  what  loill  become  of  meV  Great 
powers  of  glory  protect  me,  and  deliver  me  from  my  bond- 
age !  Who  could  have  been  so  cruel  as  to  abduct  and 
incarcerate  me  thus  ?  Great  Lord  !  an  idea  flashes  tln-ough 
my  half  frenzied  brain  !  It  was  the  same  bloody  conspirators^ 
who  tried  to  poison  my  beloved  Victor,  that  have  sent  me 
to  this  place  ;  but,  what  will  they  do  with  me  V  This  is 
horrible,  most  horrible  !  Because,  any  one  who  is  bad 
enough  to  have  me  thus  abducted  and  imprisoned,  is  also 
vile  enough  to  abuse  and  murder  me,  if  that  suits  his 
pleasure  and  plans  best. 

"Wliat,  really,  have  I  done  to  merit  such  foul  treat- 
ment '?  Let  me  tliink ;  I  have  always  been  kind  to  every 
one  ;  have  no  enemies  that  I  know  of  ;  but,  now  it  flashes 
upon  my  distressed  soul,  I  have  stood  by  the  side  of  dear 
Victor,  I  have  conspired  with  Pat  and  Judy  to  save  my 


THE   CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVERS.  75 

beloved.  Oh,  darling  Victor  !  save,  save  me  now  from  the 
iuiiiending  danger  tiiat  awaits  your  unprotected  Lucinda  I 
My  persecutors  are  monsters,  or  they  could  not  tear  me  away 
from  my  dear  old  father,  and  from  my  dearly  beloved  Victor, 
God,  if  thou  ever  hearest  the  prayers  of  mortals,  hear  mine  : 

*■' Infinite  and  all-po\Verful  Creator,  I  invoke  Thee,  and 
all  Tliy  vitalizing  intluences,  to  stultify  and  deaden  the  head 
and  hand  that  has  brought  me  to  tliis  cruel  place.  I  pray 
Thee,  heavenly  Father,  to  shield  the  just  and  faithful, 
whilst  Thou  wilt  confound  the  wicked  conspirators  who 
have  sought  to  ruin  and  destroy  me  and  mine  ;  and,  O 
God,  look  with  compassion  on  Thy  distressed  servant,  who 
would  freely  offer  up  her  life,  in  purity  and  innocence,  for 
the  good  of  heaven's  righteous  cause  ! 

"  Moreover,  I  humbly  pray  Thee,  O  Lord  of  Hosts,  send 
Thy  messengers  of  grace  to  guard  and  protect  my  beloved 
and  heroic  Victor,  whose  strifes  and  struggles,  on  behalf 
of  his  race,  are  herculean !  God,  grant  me  this  humble 
supplication,  and  Thy  name  shall  have  all  the  glory  for 
ever  and  ever.    Amen  !  " 

A  terrible  noise,  as  it  were  rattling  of  chains,  imbolting 
of  gigantic  doors,  and  groans  of  the  most  horrible  char- 
acter, now  disturbed  the  suppliant ;  and  suddenly  the  door, 
entering  her  cell,  flew  open,  when  she  beheld  a  man  in  dis- 
guise, standing  before  her ;  she  swooned  away. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

GENERAL  ARMINGTON    SEARCHING  FOR   HIS  SEDUCED 
DAUGHTER   IN   EUROPE. 

EXERAL  WASIIIXGT0:N'  ARMINGTON  ar- 
rived in  Liverpool  in  sixteen  days. when  he  at  once 
went  to  headquarters  of  the  detectives  for  the 
purpose  of  ascertaining  the  whereabouts  of  Vic- 
tor Juno  and  his  amiable  daughter,  Lucinda  ;  having  been 


76  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

informed,  before  he  left  New  York,  that  his  truant  child 
and  her  paramour  were  seen  on  consecutive  days  to  reside 
at  tiie  Hotel  De  La  Breau,  on  Grange  street,  Liverpool  ; 
but  on  inquiry  for  such  persons,  a  negative  answer  was 
given  ;  because,  there  were  no  persons,  nor  had  been,  stop- 
ping there  tliat  would  answer  the  description  in  any  way. 

This  was  a  terrible  disappointment  to  the  general,  and 
what  to  do  was  beyond  his  capacity  to  contrive  ;  however, 
upon  consultation  with  the  chief  of  police,  lie  was  en- 
couraged by  the  advice  the  chief  gave  him.  Said  he  to  the 
general : 

''  You  had  better  consult  with  Louis  Kingdom,  one  of 
our  foremost  detectives,  and  although  his  price  is  extor- 
tionate, but,  if  your  people  can  be  found,  he  can  do  it,  pro- 
vided they  are  on  this  continent." 

"  I  am  fully  persuaded  that  they  sailed  several  weeks  ago 
from  New  York  to  Liverpool,  in  the  Scotia,  and  I  was  told 
that  they  had  been  repeatedly  seen  at  the  Hotel  De  La 
Breau  ;  but,  upon  examination,  I  failed  to  ascertain  of  their 
whereabouts  ;  however,  as  the  man  is  a  cunning  rogue,  I 
fear  that  he  has  bribed  the  proprietors  of  the  hotel  not  to 
divulge  anything  concerning  their  appearance,"  said  Gene- 
ral Armington. 

The  general  engaged  Louis  Kingdom,  the  detective,  to 
search  for  the  elopists,  and  find  his  daughter,  if  it  cost  ten 
thousand  dollars.     The  detective  said  : 

"  Tf  they  are  on  this  globe,  I  will  find  them,  and  shortly." 

This  assurance  from  so  great  an  expert  gave  the  general 
full  satisfaction,  so  far  as  the  securing  of  his  daughter  was 
concerned  ;  but  yet  the  general's  mind  was  in  one  contin- 
ually agitated  and  disturbed  state. 

He  endeavored  to  console  himself  by  renewed  devotion 
to  the  church,  but  whenever  he  approached  the  orthodox 
religionists,  something  seemed  to  warn  him,  and  almost 
tell  him,  that  this  class  of  persons  were  the  ones  who 
caused  all  liis  trouble. 

Nevertheless,  he  continued  to  go  amongst  them,  making 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  77 

many  acquaintances,  and  very  soon  he  received  a  long  let- 
ter from  Rev.  Joe  Pier,  which  consoled  him  amazingly, 
whilst  at  the  same  time  a  very  pious  deacon  of  his  own 
faith  called  upon  the  general  and  told  him  that  he  was 
well  acquainted  with  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  of  America,  who 
had  very  often  mentioned  the  general's  name  to  him  when 
he  was  sojourning  in  America. 

The  general  took  a  wonderful  pleasure  in  this  English 
deacon's  acquaintance,  wliilst  the  wily  deacon  was  simply 
the  co-conspirator  of  Deacon  Rob  Stew  and  the  bloody  con- 
sjiiriitors. 

We  will  now  call  attention  to  the  operations  of  the 
bloody  conspirators,  who  had  been  holding  several  special 
meetings  recently  at  Tabernacle  Hall,  for  the  purpose  of 
keeping  the  general  in  Europe  until  Dr.  Victor  Juno  was 
in  his  grave,  or  at  the  bottom  of  the  ocean,  where  worms 
or  sharks  will  devour  his  mouldering  clay,  as  he  endeavored 
to  devour  the  doctrines  of  the  elect  saints. 

As  for  Miss  Lucinda  Armington,  no  one  but  Deacon 
Rob  Stew  seemed  to  cai-e  what  became  of  her,  whether  she 
lived  or  died  ;  neither  did  they  care  a  straw  about  the  gene- 
ral, so  long  as  they  were  safe  from  molestation  by  this 
Victor  Juno.    The  deacon  saH  : 

"•  Holy  saints,  I  will  promisa  you  to  take  good  care  of 
Miss  Lucinda  Armington,  so  she  shall  be  no  trouble  to  the 
cause,  nor  to  you  personally.  I  have  always  loved  the 
dear,  innocent  (V)  child,  and  take  my  holy  word,  I'll  fix 
lier  to  the  advantage  of  all  parties,  and  to  her  own  satis- 
faction." 

"  Surely,  our  beloved  and  faithful  deacon  understands 
tlie  charitable  and  nurturing  business  thoroughly,  hence, 
I  assure  you,  he  will  do  what  pleases  the  Lord,"  said 
Nancy  Clover. 

"  But,  brethren,  we  must  contrive  some  plan  by  which 
we  can  banish  all  suspicion  of  the  abduction  business, 
should  some  one  get  wind  of  it,  or  the  thing  in  any  way 
prove  a  failure  ;  you  are  all  aware  tliat  I  fear  and  tremble, 


78  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

when  I  think  of  the  bold  work  which  we  have  taken  into 
our  hands ;  and  altliough  the  elect  cannot  sin,  still,  they 
are  not  infallible,  else  Victor  Juno  would  have  died  at  the 
hands  of  our  faithful  brother  and  doctor,  Toy  Fancy,"  ex- 
claimed Rev.  Joe  Pier  in  an  agitated  state  of  mind. 

"Truly,  good  brother  Pier,  your  remarks  are  wise  and 
spoken  at  an  opportune  hour,"  said  Dr.  Toy  Pancy,  "for 
you  must  know  that  there  are  many  inlidels  and  atheists 
in  this  world,  who  would  delight  in  acting  as  spies  for  the 
purpose  of  betraying  us  to  ''the  peojjle^''  and  I  am  sure  one 
ounce  of  prevention  is  worth  a  pound  of  cure  ;  moreover, 
if  all  things  turn  out  right,  there  cannot  arise  any  injury 
from  the  exercise  of  extreme  precautionary  measures. 

"Supposing  this  vile  agitator  and  coarse  innovator 
should  escape  us  " — 

"Xonsense !  "  interposed  Deacon  Eob  Stew,  in  an  indig- 
nant and  boisterous  manner. 

"Patience,  brother  Stew,  I  have  the  floor  ;  please,  there- 
fore, let  me  finish  what  I  proposed  to  say,"  said  Dr.  Toy 
Pancy. 

"  Go  on,"  exclaimed  the  Eev.  Joe  Pier. 

"Well,  I  was  going  to  say,  supposing  Mr.  or  Dr.  Juno 
should  escape  us,  he  would  undoubtedly  be  bold  and  daring 
enough  to  at  once  mount  the  rostrum  again,  and  expose 
our  conduct  toward  him,  when  '  the  people '  would  very 
likely  join  him  and  mob  us,"  said  Dr.  Toy  Pancy. 

"i^onsense!  you  are  a  poor  chicken-hearted  dunce  to 
reason  thus.  Plave  you  no  faith  in  God  and  in  his  elect  ? 
And  do  you  suppose  I  have  been  idle  all  these  days,  and 
have  done  nothing  to  guard  against  such  contingencies  ? 
You  must  take  me  to  be  a  faithless  fool.  I  have  it  in  my 
power  to  ruin  this  Juno  ;  yes,  a  simple  stroke  from  my  pen 
will  disgrace  and  quiet  this  innovator  any  time  ;  but,  it 
must  not  be  known  publicly  that  I  would  stoop  to  imder- 
mine  republican  liberties ;  because  I  am  an  advocate  of 
republicanism,  and  as  you  all  know  that  the  republican 
party  believes  me  to  be  a  perfect  saint,  hence  I  hold  them 


THE   COXSPIRATOES   AND    LOVERS.  79 

in  the  hollow  of  my  hand  so  long  as  I  can  keep  my  secret 
acts  away  from  them.  We  are  told  by  Christ  to  jn-ay  and 
act  in  secret ;  hence,  I  never  throw  such  holy  things  l)efore 
dogs,  nor  cast  pearls  before  swine,"  exclaimed  the  holy 
deacon. 

A  knock  at  the  outer  door  caused  all  to  remain  quiet  for 
a  moment,  until  the  sentinel  should  see  who  sought  admis- 
sion, when  the  physician-in-chief  of  the  insane  asylum 
rushed  into  the  hall  in  an  awfully  excited  state  of  mind, 
and  said  :  "  Victor  Juno  has  escaped  !  " 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

JEMMY  DISCOVERS  VICTOR  AND  LUCIXDA. 

|T  may  be  remembered  that  Pat  O'Conner's  wits 
were  heavily  exercised  about  this  reported  elope- 
ment affair.  He  could  not  see  any  philosopliy 
in  such  an  act  on  the  part  of  either  Dr.  Juno  or 
Miss  Armington  ;  therefore  he  did  not  believe  that  they 
eloped,  but  he  feared  some  foul  play ;  and  who  but  Deacon 
Rob  Stew  was  guilty,  hence  Pat  endeavored  to  blarney  the 
deacon,  so  that  he  could  get  deeper  into  the  latter's  confi- 
dence. 

In  fact,  the  deacon  never  suspicioned  Pat  of  infidelity 
to  him,  but  thought  Pat  O'Conner  was  his  tried,  true 
friend.    Pat  knew  this,  and  therefore  he  said  : 

"Dacon,  yer  honor,  I  have  heerd  sich  talk  aboot  this 
Mishter  Juno  chap  what  maks  me  blood  run  coold  ;  but, 
yer  honor  will  not  spake  agen  ov  this  mattar,  will  je  ?  " 

"  Certainly  not,  Pat ;  but  will  you  tell  me  what  it  is  V  " 
asked  the  deacon. 

"Och,  be  Sant  Patrick,  I  belave  that  son  of  they  wicked 
paople  stliarted  a  talk  tliat  ye  were  the  cause  of  Miss  Lu- 
cinda,  me  mishtress,  aloped  wid  them  Juno  chap ;  becase 
ye  would  not  axe  her  to  marry  ye,"  said  Pat. 


80  THE   SOCIAL    WAK   OF    1900;    OR, 

"  Is  that  what  you  have  heard  ?  "  interposed  the  deacon. 

"  Yis,  yer  honor,  that's  it,"  said  Pat. 

"  Sure,  Pat,  you  luive  heard  nothing  more  ;  and  you  do 
not  believe  that,  do  you  V"  responded  the  deacon. 

''  Ilowly  Moses,  yer  lionor,  I  do  behive  that  Miss  Arm- 
ington  was  mad  wid  ye,  becase  ye  would  not  axe  her  fur 
to  marry  ye ;  an'  fur  to  shpite  ye,  she  runned  away  wid 
this  Mishter  Juno  ;  do  ye  mind  that  V  "  said  Pat. 

''  Xo,  my  faithful  Pat ;  but  as  you  are  a  true  friend  of 
mine,  in  wliom  I  feel  sure  I  could  entrust  my  life,  I  will 
give  you  a  little  insight  into  this  matter.  But,  Pat,  you 
must  be  secretive,  and  not  mention  it  to  a  living  soul," 
responded  the  deacon. 

"Howly  Sant  Patrick,  I  would  not  spake  ov  it  to  any 
parson,  an'  ef  it  would  smash  me  life  into  smithereens  ;  be- 
lave  me,  yer  honor,"  said  Pat. 

'■'■  O,  I  do,  good  fellow.  Well,  Pat,  Miss  Lucinda  Arm- 
ington  and  Victor  Juno  did  not  elope  ;  but  they  were  ab- 
ducted by  some  of  the  medical  opponents  of  Victor  Juno," 
ejaculated  the  deacon. 

"Abdoocted,  yer  honor  ;  bedad,  an'  ye  are  shure  on  that, 
are  ye  ?  "  said  Pat. 

"  Yes,  Pat,  I  am  sure  of  it,"  responded  the  deacon. 

"Ilowly  saints,  an'  ye  know  that  me  mishtress  be  mur- 
dhered,  an'  ye  would  not  tell  me  mashter,  but  let  him  go 
to  Europe  fur  to  hunt  his  murdhered  child  ;  O,  ye  bloody 
curmudgon,  what  do  ye  expect  will  becom  ov  ye  V  "  furi- 
ously ejaculated  Pat,  who  was  now  ready  for  a  fight  with 
the  deacon. 

"Pat,  Pat,  you  do  not  understand  me,"  replied  the 
deacon, 

"  Begorrah !  an'  I  do  undershtand  ye ;  abdoocted,  ye 
murdherin'  hypocret,  an'  may  the  divil  swallow  me  whoul 
body  an'  sowl  ef  I  don't  tell  on  ye,  an'  that  this  very  hour, 
ye  squally  murdherer,  for  ahelpin'  to  abdooct  me  swate 
mislitress  !  An'  will  ye  tell  me  where  ye  have  buried  her  V  " 
exclaimed  Pat. 


THE   COXSPIEATOES   AND   LOVERS.  81 

"Pat,  you  are  crazy ;  listen  to  me,  she  is  not  dead,"  re- 
plied the  deacon,  half  scared  to  death,  lest  Pat  might  ex- 
pose the  whole  matter  in  his  excitable  state  of  mind,  for 
he  saw  Pat  was  ready  for  a  fight. 

"Not  dead  !  "  exclaimed  Pat,  looking  amazed,  and  con- 
tinued, "  how  could  she  be  abdoocted,  an"  be  not  dead  V  " 

"Now,  Pat,  calm  yourself,  and  I  will  explain  to  you  all 
about  it ;  she  is  living,  healthy  and  will  evidently  be  happy 
when  I  shall  see  her  and  offer  myself  in  marriage  to  her," 
said  the  deacon. 

"Yer  honor  am  not  hoaxin',  am  ye? "exclaimed  Pat, 
his  countenance  lighting  up  with  delight. 

"  C;;ertainly  not,  good  Pat,  you  evidently  do  not  under- 
stand the  meaning  of  abduction.  Abduction  means,  care- 
fully taken  away  from  danger,"  said  the  deacon. 

"Do  it,  yer  honor  V  an'  I  am  plazed  it  manes  that;  but, 
be  jabers,  I  tought  it  mant  murdher,"  responded  Pat. 

"  Well,  Pat,  you  are  now  satisfied,  are  you  not  V  And 
you  will  keep  the  secret,  for  I  promise  you,  all  will  be  for 
the  best,"  said  Deacon  Rob  Stew. 

"  Yis,  sur,  I  am  yer  fathf ul  sarvant,  as  ye  plaze  to  have 
me,"  ejaculated  Pat,  good  humoredly  and  apparently  sat- 
isfied. 

Pat  returned  to  Judy  McCrea,  and  cautiously  told  her 
that  he  suspected  Deacon  Eob  Stew  to  be  a  dirty  villain, 
when  they  agreed  to  watch  the  deacon's  movements.  On 
Saturday  afternoon.  Jemmy,  the  overseer  of  the  insane 
asylum,  generally  visited  Pat  and  Judy. 

The  three  were  sitting  in  the  dining  room  of  General 
Washington  Armington's  residence,  discussing  the  ques- 
tion of  the  day.    Pat  said : 

"Jemmy,  ye  have  a  fine  plaze  fur  the  ])oor  lunatick,  an' 
whin  ye  showed  meself  an'  Judy  darlin'  the  inner  ov  the 
asylum,  why  did  ye  not  take  us  tow  them  other  parts  V" 

"Shure,  I'd  like  tow  see  all  ov  thim,"  said  Judy. 

"Pat, it  is  not  allowed  to  take  strangers  into  the  private 
departments,"  replied  Jemmy. 
6 


82  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1000;    OR, 

"  Privat  divils  ;  I  belave  that  ye  kape  thim  places  fur  to 
smuggle  dacent  paople  away,"  ejaculated  Pat. 

"Pat,  now  do  ye  think  we  are  cut-throats  in  our  asy- 
lum?" angrily  responded  Jemmy. 

"  Jeminy,  dear,"  said  Judy,  "excuse  Pat,  fur  ye  knows 
he  bees  much  worred  aboot  the  good  darlin'  Mishtress  Lu- 
cinda,  who  he  belaves  is  smuggled  up  in  that  plaze." 

"  Yis,  Jemmy,  will  ye  do  me  one  kind  favor  V"  asked 
Pat. 

"Certainly,  dear  Pat,  I  will,"  responded  Jemmy. 

"Thin,  kape  an  eye  on  thim  privat  plazes,  an'  ye  may 
sea  me  mishtress  in  thare,"  said  Pat. 

"Pat,  in  faith,  ye  are  mistaken  ;  but  I'll  do  it,  an'  tell 
ye  of  it,  if  I  see  anything,"  replied  Jemmy. 

These  three  parted  good  friends,  and  altliough  Jemmy 
could  not  harbor  a  thought  in  his  mind  that  would  reflect 
upon  the  virtuous  conduct  of  the  managers  of  tlie  asylum, 
but,  thought  he,  "it  caimot  do  any  harm  for  me  to  peep 
around  and  satisfy  my  mind,  and  should  I  find  anything 
wrong,  I  might  help  to  right  it,  and  should  I  find  all 
straight,  no  harm  is  done." 

The  following  Sunday  Jemmy  was  ordered  by  the 
physician-in-chief  to  oversee  the  private  departments,  as 
the  latter  should  be  compelled  to  leave  the  asylum  that 
day.  This  pleased  Jemmy,  and  he  took  the  first  opportu- 
nity afforded  him  to  see  who  occupied  the  cell  on  the  third 
floor,  wliere  Deacon  Reb  Stew  recently  visited  so  often ; 
for  sui-e,  if  Miss  Lucinda  Arniington  should  be  in  the 
asylum,  that  is  the  place  where  she  would  be  confined. 
With  little  trouble  he  unbolted  tlie  outside  doors,  which 
gave  him  an  opportunity  to  peep  quietly  into  her  cell,  and, 
to  his  amazement,  tliere  he  beheld,  reclining  on  the  neat 
little  cot,  Miss  Armington,  sleeping  sweetly. 

This  almost  stunned  Jemmy's  sensibilities,  and  he  was 
now  ready  to  believe  anything  and  everytliing  tliat  might 
be  said  either  of  the  asylum  or  of  its  managers.  He  quietly 
retired  from  the  spot,  and  at  once  made  his  way  to  the 


THE   COXSPIRATOES   AND   LOVERS.  83 

basement  dungeons,  where,  however,  he  could  not  peep, 
because  there  was  no  light  in  those  cells  ;  but  he  went  to 
the  door  of  the  dungeon  and  tried  to  mibolt  it,  when  he 
heard  a  peculiar  noise  in  a  distant  part  of  the  corridor, 
which  scared  him  away  from  his  intended  design  for  the 
present. 

He  went  up  stairs  and  found  that  they  had  brought  a 
very  crazy  patient  into  the  asylum,  and,  after  he  was 
stored  safely  away,  he  got  another  lot  of  keys  and  returned 
to  the  dungeon,  and  succeeded  in  opening  the  outside 
door,  which  gave  him  access  to  call  the  prisoner.  He 
said : 

"Victor  Juno!  Victor  Juno!"  then  listened,  when  he 
heard  a  low,  stifled  voice  reply : 

"  Who  calls  me  i:*    1  am  Victor  Juno." 


CHAPTER  XIX. 

DEACON  STEAV  TIIREATEXS  TO  SHOOT  JEiHIY. 

|T  will  be  remembered,  that  on  a  preceding  occa- 
sion, when  Pat  O 'Conner  and  Deacon  Rob  Stew 
were  in  conversation  at  General  Armington's 
house,  Judy  McCrea  suddenly  screamed  murder 
in  another  part  of  the  mansion,  which  disturbed  the  two 
connivers  in  carrying  out  their  deviltry.  Pat  O 'Conner, 
who  was  blarneying  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  was  delighted  that 
something  happened  to  distract  the  attention  of  the  dea- 
con's mind  from  the  subject  that  was  then  under  discus- 
sion, and  it  may  have  been  a  God-send  that  Judy  McCrea 
was  caused  to  scream  murder  at  the  top  of  her  voice. 

Pat  and  the  deacon  at  once  repaired  to  the  spot,  where 
Judy  was  imagining  that  she  was  Ijeing  in  a  terrible  con- 
flict with  bloody  murderers  ;  but  tliey  discovered  notliing, 
except  that  Jud^  said  she  had  been  tired,  and  whilst  re- 
clining on  a  lounge  fell  asleep,  and  had  a  horrible  dream. 


84  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OP   1900;   OR, 

"No  one  inquired  about  the  dream,  and  even  Judy  herself 
seemed  then  nut  to  care  or  think  it  of  any  moment ;  how- 
ever, a  few  weelcs  hiter,  Judy's  mind  one  day  was  bewil- 
dered, and  when  Pat  asked  her  what  was  the  matter,  she 
said,  that  the  dream  she  had  a  few  Aveeks  ago  impressed 
her  mind  so  strangely  that  she  could  not  rest,  but  she 
could  not  tell  exactly  what  the  dream  Avas  like.    Pat  said  : 

"Me  darlin',  ken  ye  not  tell  yer  Pat  what  ye  seed  in  yer 
.dream  V  " 

"  Yis,  dear  Pat,  the  ting  jist  now  com  to  me  mind ;  I 
tought  I  was  atalkin'  wid  me  luvly  mishtress,  Avhin  a 
dirty,  ruf  man  com  along,  an'  trowin'  a  murderin'  cap 
over  her  head,  Avhat  choked  me  darlin'  mishtress,  wliin  she 
could  not  spake,  an'  I  tried  to  hilp  her,  but  me  body  was 
werry  stiff,  an'  I  could  not  do  nothin'  fur  her,  whin  they 
tooked  her  off  on  a  waggon,"  said  Judy  McCrea. 

"  Darlin'  Judy,  why  did  ye  not  spake  of  it  bafore  now  ?  " 
exclaimed  Pat. 

"I  have  not  tought  ov  it,  an'  I  am  sartin  that  me  lady 
bees  in  that  plaze  where  Jemmy  bees,  ovur  yander  in  "West 
Philadelphy,  fur  I  mind  now  that  I  seed  her  taked  in  the 
waggon  tow  that  plaze,  an'  carried  up  tree  shtares,  an' 
put  in  a  small  room  what  Inks  as  a  prison  morer  than  an 
asj'lum,"  said  Judy. 

"Och,  Judy,  ye  bees  adreamin'  jist  now,"  laughingly 
replied  Pat. 

"  Xo,  Pat,  ef  j'e  luv  ftie,  belave  me,  fur  I  sees  me  swate 
lady  jist  now  settin'  all  alone  by  herself  aweepin'  as  a 
child,"  said  Judy,  -with  tears  in  her  eyes,  and  sniffling  as 
though  she  really  was  in  sympathy  with  the  poor  young 
lady. 

It  may  seem  curious,  but  it  was  nevertheless  true,  that 
the  spirit  of  Judy  was  hovering  around  Miss  Lucinda 
Armington  in  a  clairvoyant  state,  and  whilst  Judy  and 
Pat  were  talking  over  these  matters.  Jemmy,  the  overseer, 
knocked  at  the  door,  and  being  asked  Mko  the  room,  at 
once  said : 


THE  CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  85 

"My  good  friends,  I  have  news  to  tell  ye.  I  have 
watched  my  chance  at  the  asylum,  and  when  I  was  author- 
ized to  superintend  the  secret  departments,  I  looked  into 
one  of  the  third  story  cells,  where,  to  my  sorrow  and  sur- 
prise, I  seen  yer  luvly  Mistress  Armington." 

"  Och,  murdher,  Pat,  an'  have  I  not  tould  ye  so,  but  ye 
would  not  belave,"  ejaculated  Judy. 

"Jemmy,  bedad,  ye  confound  me  Avid  sich  news;  how- 
somever,  I  tought  tluit  yer  squally  dacon  was  up  to  any 
diviltry,  an'  shure,  sartin  he  was  the  chafe  apostle  in  this 
work  ov  Satin ;  an'  shure,  it  am  quare  that  me  darlin' 
Judy  should  be  drameing  all  aboot  it,"  responded  Pat. 

"  Dear  Jemmy,  did  ye  spake  to  me  lady  ?  "  asked  Judy. 

"Xo,  Judy  dear,  I  only  was  wantin'  to  know  if  she  were 
there.  Slie  were  asleep  when  I  peeped  through  the  door 
hole,"  responded  Jemmy. 

"Well,  Jemmy,  an'  do  ye  now  belave  me,  whin  I  sed 
them  chaps  were  hypocrets  ?  "  said  Pat. 

"Yis,  dear  Pat,  I  belave  anything,  after  having  seen 
Miss  Lucinda  Armington  lying  on  a  cot,  tight  asleep  in 
that  cozy  cell.  I  would  tell  j-e  that  I  have  also  diskivered 
that  Mr.  Victor  Juno  be  in  the  new  dungeon,  in  the  base- 
ment," replied  Jemmy. 

"  Bloody  murdlier !  be  me  sowl,  ye  knock  me  branes  strait 
out  by  tellin'  me  all  sich  talk !  Do  ye  mane  to  say  that 
Dr.  Victor  Juno  am  caged  up  widin  that  cellar  dungon  V  " 
said  Pat,  half  crazed  and  furiously  indignant. 

"Yis,  Pat,  he  is  there,  but  he  wont  be  long  coming  out 
of  it,  if  I  knows  it,"  exclaimed  Jemmy. 

Jemmy,  being  a  good,  honest  Christian,  would  not  co- 
operate with  any  one,  or  work  for  any  one,  whom  he  found 
to  bp  dishonest  and  criminal ;  therefore  he  made  up  his 
mind  to  set  Victor  Juno  and  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  at 
liberty,  after  which  he  would  leave  the  asylum.  But  liow 
to  go  about  this  without  being  exposed,  and  Avithout  dan- 
ger to  tlie  iivisoners'  lives  and  future  prosperity,  was  a 
puzzling  question. 


86  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

He  planned  in  various  ways  to  cause  the  escape  of  Vic- 
tor Juno,  but  always  failed  to  see  his  way  clear  ;  however, 
he  might  furnish  the  half  starved  man  with  better  and 
more  food,  until  he  regained  his  strength,  when  a  cold 
chisel  and  heavy  hammer  might  answer  his  purpose  ;  be- 
sides, he  miglit  leave  the  bolts  in  Victor  Juno's  dungeon 
doors  slipped,  a  few  days  previous  to  his  attempt  to  escape, 
when  he  woidd  not  be  working  in  that  department  on  the 
time  Victor  should  make  his  escape ;  this  would  remove 
suspicion  from  Jemmy. 

Moreover,  he  might  furnish  Victor  Juno  with  a  rope, 
which  undoubtedly  should  be  of  great  service  to  him.  All 
this  Jemmy  did,  and  he  informed  Victor  which  way  to 
leave  the  asylum,  on  what  day  and  in  the  middle  of  the 
night  as  near  as  he  could  do  so. 

Jemrny  did  not  worry  so  much  about  Miss  Lucinda 
Armington  as  he  did  over  A^ictor  Juno,  because  she  had 
comfortable  quarters,  besides,  her  father  was  in  Europe ; 
but  Victor  was  in  a  dark,  damp,  sickly  cell,  where  death 
surely  would  end  his  miseries  in  a  short  time,  unless  he 
Avas  set  at  lil)erty  ;  moreover,  his  business  was  suffering  by 
this  most  foul  incarceration. 

"When  Jemmy  had  given  Victor  Juno  all  the  trappings 
and  information,  he  made  an  excuse  to  visit  some  of 
his  relatives  in  the  country,  who  were  sick,  and  the  physi- 
cian-in-chief, being  willing  to  grant  any  favor  to  his  most 
faithful  overseer,  permitted  Jemmy  a  week's  leave  of  ab- 
sence. 

As  Jemmy  was  about  quitting  the  asylum  for  the  pur- 
pose of  making  his  visit.  Deacon  Rob  Stew  entered  tlie 
institution,  and  at  once  confronted  .Temmy,  and  said  : 

"Come  with  me,  instantly,  and  hesitate  not,  or  1*11  blow 
your  Irish  brains  out  with  this  pistol,  you  vile  conspirator  ! " 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  87 

CHAPTER  XX. 

LUCINDA  NEARLY  MURDERS  THE  DEACON   IN  HER  CELL. 

N  the  cell  where  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  was 
confined  there  was  but  one  window,  a  skylight, 
wliich  had  shutters  that  could  be  closed  in  a 
moment  by  the  keepers  and  managers ;  and 
when  the  man  in  disguise  appeared  before  Miss  Arming- 
ton,  and  he  saw  that  she  swooned  away,  he  suddenly 
darkened  the  cell  by  closing  said  shutters,  thinking  that 
she  would  be  more  readily  restored  and  conquered  in  dark- 
ness than  in  light ;  moreover,  she  might  detect  the  dis- 
guised person  if  too  much  light  shone  upon  him. 

He  laid  her  on  the  cot,  and  when  she  came  to,  he  said  : 

"I  have  come  to  offer  you  freedom  and  my  heart  and 
hand  in  marriifge,  and  I  hope  you  will  not  refuse  me  this 
request,"  said  the  disguised  monster. 

"  Sir,  who  are  you,  tliat  dares  to  insult  me  thus,  and  why 
have  you  darkened  this  prison  cell  ?  Are  your  intentions 
so  dark  and  foul  that  you  cannot  present  them  in  the  light 
of  day  V"  exclaimed  Miss  Armington. 

"I  am  a  man  of  tender  affections  toward  you,  but  as  I 
have  lately  noticed  you  to  conspire  with  a  vile  atheist,  I 
felt  it  my  duty  to  separate  you  from  him  until  you  have 
time  to  repent  " — 

"  Fiend,  tliat  you  are,  do  you  suppose  for  one  moment 
that  a  woman  could  or  would  yield  to  a  man's  wishes,  who 
can  be  guilty  of  so  foul  a  deed  ?  "  interposed  Miss  Arming- 
ton ;  and  continued,  "Further,  I  would  like  to  know  by 
wliose  authority,  and  by  what  august  power  you  have 
taken  this  outrageous  task  upon  yourself  to  abduct,  and 
cast  me  into  tins  prison  V  " 

"Dear  lady,  you  are  haughty  ;  I  really  admire  your  high 
toned  spirit ;  but,  your  desire  to  be  stubborn  or  sarcastic 
v,i]l  not  profit  you  aught ;  neither  will  you  receive  your 


SS  THE    SOCIAL    WAR    OF    1900  ;    OR, 

liberty  until  you  yield  to  my  desires  ! "  said  the  disguised 
mail. 

''Monster,  have  you  lost  your  manhood,  and  how  could 
you  expect  a  woman  to  accept  the  proposals  of  a  man  or 
beast,  which  uses  such  criminal  measures  to  gain  the  hand 
of  woman  V"  responded  Miss  Armington. 

''  Go  on,  with  your  sophistries,  but  methiuks  you  will  be 
very  glad  to  accept  my  offer  ;  now  come  let  us  understand 
each  other  ;  I  am  handsome,  rich,  influential,  religious  and 
only  fifteen  ortwenty  years  your  senior,"  said  the  monster, 
quite  coolly. 

"■  You  are  handsome,  rich,  influential,  religious  and  only 
fifteen  or  twenty  years  my  senior  ;  why  is  it  then  that  you 
cause  total  darkness  in  this  cell,  and  disguise  yourself  ? 
You  should  show  your  beauty,  and  give  the  woman  of  your 
pliilanthropic  choice  an  opportunity  to  behold  that  hand- 
some person,  whose  -wealth,  influence  and  religion  are  so 
prominent  I  Indeed,  your  acts  exhibit  very  holy  (V)  attri- 
butes of  piety  ;  but  as  to  wealth  and  riches,  I  have  not  the 
least  doubt,  that  by  your  demoniacal  deed's  you  are  capa- 
citated to  wring  money  from  the  thousands,  and  witli  its 
corrupting  power,  influence  whole  communities  of  your 
equals  in  crime  ! "  sharply  exclaimed  Miss  Armington, 
without  fear  or  falter. 

"Heigh-ho!  but  you  are  a  philosopher,  as  well  as  a 
charming  damsel ;  by  ray  soul,  I  am  taking  renewed  fancies 
for  the  jewel  which  f  have  found,''  ejaculated  the  disguised 
man. 

"  Do  you  think,  sir,  that  you  can  conquer  mo  ?  Do  you 
dare  to  beard  the  tigress  in  her  den  ?  You  have  brought 
me  here,  from  some  motive  best  known  to  yourself,  and 
whilst  you  have  not  the  manly  courage  to  show  me  your 
features  in  the  light,  you  may  think  that  you  have  me  in 
your  power,  and  can  badger  and  insult  me  as  you  choose  ; 
but,  I  now  team  you  to  beware  how  you  provoke  me,  lest 
by  some  miraculous  power  I  strike  you  to  my  feet,  and 
bruise  your  venomous  head  !  "  furiously  ejaculated  Miss 
Armington. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  89 

"Sweet  Lady,  you  would  not  do  all  that,  at  one  time, 
would  you,  darling  of  my  heart  V  "  responded  the  intruder 
sarcastically,  whilst  he  took  hold  of  her  arm.  This  latter 
act  so  enraged  the  helpless  lady,  that  she  sprang  to  her 
feet,  and  quick  as  lightning  made  for  the  monster's  head 
and  face,  tearing  his  mask  and  disguise  from  him  with 
herculean  strength,  whilst  she  dealt  him  blow  after  blow 
upon  his  mouth  and  nose,  until  the  hot  blood  flew  in  every 
direction. 

He  was  not  prepared  for  such  summary  chastisement, 
hence,  before  he  knew  what  he  was  about,  he  was  appa- 
rently helpless  ;  when  he  humbly  begged  her  pardon  !  But, 
she  said;,  furiously  : 

^'  Go,  leave  me,  or  I'll  murder  you,  before  you  will  be 
able  to  gain  help  !  " 

He  humbly  responded :  "I'll  go,  give  me  a  moment  to 
collect  my  senses." 

"Go,"  she  ejaculated  in  a  voice  that  meant  a  second 
beating.  He  instantly  disappeared  through  a  secret  door, 
and  as  he  was  closing  it  exclaimed  : 

"  I'll  be  a  match  for  you  when  I  call  again  ! " 

She  ran  to  the  secret  door,  but  found  it  closed  and 
bolted,  seeming  like  a  wall  of  adamant. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

VICTOR'S    VISION,  IN  A  DREAM,  IN  HIS  DUNGEON, 

jjOCTOE  VICTOPt  JUNO  was  left  all  night  lying 
on  the  hard,  damp,  cemented  floor  of  the  dun- 
geon, without  removing  even  as  much  as  the 
^gag ;  but,  about  eight  o'clock  in  tlie  morning, 
several  rough  men  came  to  his  presence,  when  they  re- 
moved the  shackles,  and  left  him  without  saying  a  word. 
He  asked  them  what  was  the  object  of  this  malicious  con- 
duct, but  not  a  syllable  was  answered,  and  the  men  left 
him  to  surmise  v>iiat  vv^as  in  store  for  him. 


90  THE  SOCIAL    WAR  OF    1900;   OR, 

He  now  got  upon  his  feet ;  however,  it  was  as  much  as 
lie  could  do  to  stand  erect  without  tumbling  to  the  ground, 
and  managed  to  stagger  to  the  place  wliere  the  men  seemed 
to  come  in  and  go  out ;  but,  upon  closely  examining  it,  he 
found  notliing  but  a  small  ott'set,  and  a  rough  iron  door 
witiiout  a  single  aperture  in  its  construction. 

lie  next  followed  the  wall  around,  examining  every  inch 
from  the  ground  Hoor  to  as  higli  as  he  could  reach  ;  but, 
alas,  nothing  was  detected  except  a  rougnly  plastered 
wall ;  and  after  a  long  search  for  a  spot  from  wnich  air  or 
light  might  be  received,  he  found  himself  back  again  to 
the  doorway. 

Now  he  laid  down  on  the  floor,  stretching  his  hands  and 
feet  in  every  direction,  trying  to  measure  his  prison-house, 
and  also  for  the  purpose  of  ascertaining  if  any  furniture  or 
opening  could  be  discovered ;  but,  O,  horror !  horror ! 
nothing  but  one  blank,  dark  dungeon  was  surrounding  this 
son  of  toil. 

He  sat  himself  as  comfortably  as  possible  on  the  floor, 
inclining  his  back  against  the  wall,  and  listened  for  what 
seemed  to  him  nearly  an  hour,  but  all  was  as  silent  as  the 
tomb.  He  was  getting  thirsty  and  hungry,  and  he  won- 
dered if  this  was  a  plan  to  starve  him  to  death,  or  what 
can  be  the  object  of  this  foul  conspiracy  to  incarcei'ate 
him  in  this  horrible  dungeon  ;  presently  he  fell  into  a 
slee]>,  when  he  dreamed  that  he  was  travelling  over  the 
continent  of  Europe,  where  he  met  General  Washington 
Armington,  who  was  in  tei'rible  distress  about  the  loss  of 
his  daughter  Lucinda,  and  when  he  and  the  general  met 
face  to  face,  the  latter  at  once  accused  him  (Dr.  Juno)  of 
being  the  seducer  of  his  lovely  daughter,  and  said  to  him  : 

"Dr.  Juno,  prepare  yourself  to  meet  your  God,  for  I  am 
going  to  shoot  you  forthwith." 

"  My  dear  general,  you  greatly  wrong  me,  1  have  always 
treated  your  daughter  with  profound  respect ;  moreover, 
you  forget  that  I  have  jeopardized  my  miserable  life  to 
save  hers,  and  I  would  do  so  a  thousand,tiuies  o",-er  for  tlie 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  91 

fair  virtuous  damsel ;  why,  then,  do  you  accuse  me  of 
ruining  your  child,  have  you  no  more  confidence  in  me 
than  that  V"  spoke  Victor  Juno  to  the  general ;  to  which 
the  latter  seemed  to  smile  and  walked  away.  Suddenly 
there  appeared  an  angel  before  Dr.  Juno,  who  had  several 
beautiful  emblems  in  his  right  hand,  and  the  angel  held 
up  one  of  them  and  said  : 

"This  represents  a  youth  whose  wisdom  excels  his 
vanity,  and  who,  if  he  prove  true  to  his  intuitive  gifts, 
will  be  compelled  to  go  through  a  fiery  furnace  for  a  brief 
season  ;  but,  if  he  continues  to  trust  in  an  over-ruling,  just 
and  infinite  God,  will  have  this  crown  set  upon  his  head  ; " 
and  now  the  angel  presented  another  emblem,  which  ap- 
peared to  look  like  a  rainbow,  inside  of  which  hosts  of 
cherubims  were  embracing  each  other,  until  the  entire 
brotherhood  of  mankind  seemed  to  be  enclianted  with  the 
power  and  hallowed  blessedness  of  the  beneficent  Creator 
of  all  things. 

In  the  left  hand  the  angel  held  a  dark  ring,  which  had 
unsightly,  leprous  spots  upon  it,  and  which  poured  forth 
fiery  vipers.    The  angel  said  : 

"If  you  pi'ove  faithless  and  fearful,  you  will  inherit  this 
crown,  which  is  prepared  for  all  who  flag  and  faint  in  the 
hour  of  persecution." 

The  angel  disappeared,  and  the  prisoner  woke  up, 
amazed  to  find  himself  thus. 

He  continued  a  long  time  in  the  same  position,  on  the 
damp  cemented  floor,  and  meditated  as  follows  : 

"  I  have  had  a  peculiar  dream,  a  beautiful  dream ;  but 
what  is  there  in  dreams  V  Great  God,  since  I  am  deserted 
by  man,  I  thank  Thee  for  liaving  ]ievmitted  an  angel  from 
yonder  realms  of  tlie  blessed  to  come  unto  me,  and  direct 
me  what  course  I  shall  pursue  to  accomplish  my  work. 
I  shall  heed  the  admonition,  and  bear  patiently  all  that 
my  persecutors  can  heap  upon  me  ;  knowing  that  I  am  in 
the  riglit,  I  must  also  be  convinced  that  God  will  not  per- 
mit me  to  die  for  nought  ;  and  what  can  it  matter  to  the 


92  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

nutuialist  whether  he  is  sacrificed  in  one  way  or  another, 
only  so  that  his  beloved  cause  may  prosper." 

The  man  philosophized  in  this  manner  for  hours,  for- 
getting thereby  tliat  he  was  in  a  dungeon  and  powerless  ; 
but  he  imagined  that  he  was  growing  stronger  and  of  more 
moment  hourly,  until  linally  he  changed  his  bodily  position, 
wlien  hunger  and  thirst  seemed  to  overpower  him  ;  but 
presently  he  heard  a  noise,  his  prison  gates  were  moving, 
and  a  keeper  brought  him  a  loaf  of  bread  and  a  mug  of 
water.  O,  how  grateful  to  God  and  his  persecutors  was 
he  for  this  little  kindness,  for,  thought  he,  ''They  don't 
mean  to  starve  me,  and  I  hope  for  a  safe  deliverance  from 
tliis  dungeon  ;  and  should  I  escape  and  see  my  beloved 
Lucinda  again,  I  would  be  too  happy ;  yes,  and  I  should 
preach  to  the  people  once  more  my  beloved  sentiments,  and 
also  inform  them  of  my  sufferings  on  their  behalf. 

"Truly,  had  I  done  as  my  persecutors  desire  all  men  to 
do,  I  would  now  be  the  successful  pastor  of  some  Avealthy 
congregation,  with  plenty  of  wealth  and  more  glory  of  men 
than  any  of  the  rest ;  because,  with  my  knowledge  of  hu- 
man nature,  I  could  l^e  the  greatest  hypocrite  and  saintliest 
Pharisee  ;  but  my  zeal  runs  in  an  opposite  direction,  and  I 
shall  hold  out  faithfully  to  the  end,  and  though  my 
wounded  soul  bleeds  to  exhaustion. 

"I  have  already  suffered  much  for  my  audacity,  in 
presenting  a  purer  and  more  Christ-like  piety  than  the 
fashionable  sectarian  world  upholds,  but  yet  I  have  not 
endured  what  Jesus  and  his  apostles  had  to  undergo.  This 
is  a  consolation,  that  there  is  a  hereafter,  Avhere  we  shall 
be  rewarded  according  to  the  deeds,  not  the  blind  faith, 
done  in  the  body." 

It  must  not  be  forgotten  that  Dr.  Juno  had  compara- 
tively few  friends  who  cared  enough  for  him  and  his  doc- 
trines to  put  themselves  out  of  the  way  for  him,  except 
Miss  Lucinda  Armington,  who,  however,  was  as  firmly 
locked  up  in  the  asylum  as  he  was  himself. 

Probably  because  tliey  were  so  near  to  each  other,  yet 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  93 

unaware  of  the  fact,  caused  them  to  be  more  buoyant  than 
they  would  have  been  had  they  been  far  apart. 

Both  of  them  felt  certain  that  the  other  was  being  per- 
secuted at  the  selfsame  hour  ;  because  the  Moody  conspira- 
tors knew  all  about  their  love  for  each  other,  hence  this 
persecution. 

Victor  Jimo  loved  her  dearly,  in  fact,  he  worshipped  the 
ground  she  walked  on  ;  but,  notwithstanding  all  this,  he 
was  more  deeply  concerned  about  his  cause  of  reform.  He 
considered  the  improvement  of  the  human  race  as  pre- 
eminently of  more  moment  than  the  happiness  of  the  few ; 
and  as  his  religion  convinced  his  mind  that  God  was  just, 
if  man  was  unjnst,  he  deemed  it  of  little  importance 
whether  he  suffered  martyrdom  or  not. 

lie  was  receiving  no  attention  in  his  dungeon  beside  a 
loaf  of  bread  and  a  mug  of  water  daily,  which  was  no  de- 
privation to  a  vegetarian,  like  himself,  although  the  bloody 
conspirators  thought  that  he  would  soon  sink  and  starve  to 
death  on  such  a  regimen  ;  but,  instead  of  that,  he  gained 
solid  flesh,  and  when  .Jemmy  had  learned  that  he  was  a 
prisoner  there,  he  increased  the  quantity  and  improved 
the  quality  of  his  food. 

Although  Dr.  Juno  gained  in  flesh,  he  became  more  ten- 
der, and  often  felt  prostrated,  probably  more  on  account 
of  the  vitiated  atmosphere  which  he  was  bound  to  inhale 
than  from  anything  else. 

One  day,  after  he  had  been  feeling  particularly  pros- 
trated, Jemmy  made  this  discovery,  that  Dr.  Juno  was  a 
prisoner  within  that  most  terrible  dungeon  ;  and  whilst 
Jemmy  was  cogitating  what  he  had  better  do  to  save  the 
benefactor,  he  overheard  two  jealous  servants  of  the  asylum 
say  to  one  another,  that  they  suspected  Jemmy  of  being 
engaged  in  a  plot  to  ruin  their  reputation  with  the  mana'- 
gers,  and  that  they  would  set  a  trap  for  him,  and  turn  the 
tables  on  him,  if  they  could. 

They  watched  their  opportunity  to  get  a  chance  to  speak 
to  Deacon  Eob  Stew,  who  was  their  particular  friend,  as 


94  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900  ;    OR, 

he  was  instrumental  in  getting  them  into  the  institution, 
because  tliey  were  Protestant  saints  ;  and  when  tliey  saw 
the  deacon,  one  of  them  said  to  him  : 

"  Brother  Stew,  George  and  myself  have  discovered  a 
deep  plot,  which  is  now  being  worked  up,  by  several  of  the 
Catholic  help,  which  will  greatly  injure  the  Asylum,  if  it 
succeeds ! " 

"  What  is  it,  William  ?  "  asked  the  deacon. 

"  You  will  not  expose  us,  if  we  tell  you ;  for  the  Irish 
Catholics  are  wicked  enough  to  murder  us,  should  they  find 
out  that  we  told  on  them,"  said  George. 

"Never  fear  your  deacon,"  responded  the  viper,  feeling 
terribly  nervous,  because  the  guilty  conscience  needs  no 
accuser. 

"  Well,  it  is  this :  Jemmy,  the  Irish  overseer,  is  trying 
to  have  all  Protestant  help  removed  from  the  various  wards 
of  the  Asylum,  and  have  Catholics  installed  in  our  stead  ! 
He  thinks  that  there  are  now  some  secret  matters  going 
on  in  this  institution,  tliat  could  not  occur  were  they  to 
occupy  the  entire  control  of  the  prisoners,"  said  William. 

"  Great  God,"  meditated  the  deacon,  "can  Jemmy  know 
that  Victor  Juno  and  Miss  Lucinda  Annington  are  con- 
fined within  these  walls  !  I  must  contrive  a  plan  to  have 
him  fortliwith  arrested  and  removed  from  the  Asylum, 
and  also  deprive  him  of  his  liberty,  or  I  am  ruined  ;  in 
fact,  the  whole  brotlierhood  would  be  disgraced  ! 

"Never  mind  Jemmy,  what  cannot  I  do,  to  prevent  my 
plans  from  failing,  and  your  arrest  and  speedy  conviction 
is  a  fixed  fact." 

It  will  be  remembered  that  Jemmy  was  arrested  by  the 
deacon  himself,  as  he  was  leaving  the  Asylum  to  visit  his 
country  friends ;  but,  as  the  inauspicious  moment  would 
4iave  it,  Pat  O'Conner  and  Judy  McCrea,  excited  and 
awfully  indignant,  met  the  deacon  and  Jemmy  just  as  the 
latter  twain  were  in  angry  consultation,  when  Pat  blus- 
tered forth  : 

"Dacon,  yer  honor,  by  gorrah  !  I'll  have  satesfaction, 
or  I'll  expose  the  whole  ting." 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  95 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

victor's  terrific  struggle  with  the  night 
watchman. 

ILTIIOUGH  Jemmy  aroused  the  suspicion  of  tlie 
Managers  of  the  Insane  Asylum  concerning 
Victor  Juno  and  Miss  Lucinda  Armington's  in- 
carceration, they  nevertlieless  did  not  for  one 
moment  suspicion  that  he  had  done  anything  to  aid  the 
escape  of  Dr.  Juno. 

Tlie  only  thing  then  that  was  to  he  done,  was  to  silence 
Jemmy  from  spreading  the  news ;  neither  were  they  cer- 
tain that  Jemmy  knew  of  the  imprisonment  of  these  re- 
ported elopists. 

The  physician-in-chief  did  not  believe,  would  not  believe, 
that  Jemmy  could  be  unfaithful  to  him  or  to  the  welfare 
of  the  Asylum  ;  moreover,  he  had  no  access  to  any  of  the 
secret  cells  to  ascertain  who  was  therein  confined  ;  hoAV 
then  could  he  know  anything  about  it  V 

Deacon  Rob  Stew  said  he  arrested  Jemmy,  because 
George  and  William  told  him  of  a  plot  which  would  greatly 
injure  the  Asylum,  and  he  came  to  the  conclusion  that  it 
was  nothing  long  or  short  of  an  expose  of  the  incarcera- 
tion of  Dr.  Juno  and  Miss  Armington  ;  and  what  confirmed 
his  suspicions,  was  that  Jemmy,  Pat  O'Conner  and  Judy 
INIcCrea  were  very  intimate  friends ;  moreover,  when  Pat 
and  Judy  came  to  the  Asylum  in  a  rage,  threatening  to 
"  expose  the  whole  ting,"  what  other  opinion  could  a  guilty 
man  arrive  at,  except  that  there  was  a  knowledge  afloat 
of  the  inner  workings  of  this  holy  (V)  institution  ! 

The  physician-in-chief  requested  that  an  investigation 
should  be  made  forthwith  ;  in  fact.  Jemmy  should  receive 
a  secret  trial  by  the  brotherhood,  and  if  found  guilty  should 
speedily  be  convicted  in  the  court  of  sessions  before  a  cer- 
tain pious  (V)  judge,  who  belongs  to  the  bloody  clique,  and 


96  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

who  would  rule  out  any  evidence  that  would  be  favorable 
to  Jemmy,  misconstrue  the  law,  and  sentence  him  for  life 
to  the  penitentiary. 

Whilst  the  secret  trial  of  Jemmy  took  place,  the  time 
arrived  for  Dr.  Victor  Juno  to  make  his  escape.  Precisely 
at  midnight  Dr.  Juno  tied  the  rope  around  his  stalwart 
form,  and  taking  his  cold-chisel  in  one  hand  and  the  ham- 
mer in  the  other,  he  quietly  opened  the  unbolted  doors  of 
his  cell,  and  in  a  moment  stood  in  the  corridor  without  a 
thought  of  being  unsuccessful  in  making  good  his  escape  ; 
but,  he  had  to  do  some  dreadful  work  before  he  Avas  on 
free  soil. 

He  walked  up  a  short  flight  of  winding  stairs,  but  his 
progress  was  impeded  by  a  huge  iron  door.  What  to  do 
was  a  puzzle,  because  it  was  so  dark  that  he  could  not  see 
anything,  nor  could  he  detect  any  bolt,  lock  or  hinges  to 
this  door,  and  it  was  utterly  impossible  to  hew  down  the 
same  ;  he  however  tried  to  find  a  place  by  which  his  cold- 
chisel  might  be  used  to  pry  it  open  ;  still  all  attempts 
proved  a  failure. 

Now,  what  should  he  do  V  He  placed  his  ear  to  the  key- 
hole, which  was  the  only  aperture  he  could  find,  and 
listened,  but  all  was  quiet.  He  then  soliloquized  thus  : 
"  I  have  gained  a  great  point  in  getting  out  of  my  dungeon, 
but  how  to  make  my  way  out  of  this  corridor  is  more  than 
I  know,  which  is  in  itself  a  perfect  prison.  I  shall  not  be 
expected  here,  much  less  does  any  one  but  'Jemmy  dream 
that  I  have  these  implements  of  destruction  in  my  ])osses- 
sion.  Truly,  I  might  wait  here  until  morning,  and  when 
the  keeper  comes,  could  easily  dispatch  him,  but  I  do  not 
desire  to  become  a  murderer;  but,  wait,  I  have  it — I'll 
prepare  this  rope,  by  cutting  it  into  pieces  with  this  chisel, 
and  as  soon  as  the  keeper  opens  the  door  I'll  grab  and  bind 
him  ;  but.  if  he  attemi^ts  to  create  a  noise,  I'll  be  com])elled 
to  disiiatch  him  like  a  liuUock  ;  but  I  shall  tell  him  first  to 
be  silent,  when  I  wont  liarm  a  hair  on  his  head.  But, 
should  there  be  two  or  three  of  them  together,  what  then 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  97 

will  best  be  done  V  I  have  it— surely  ;  I  will  knock  them 
all  dumb  with  this  flat  cold-chisel,  and  before  they  will  be 
able  to  come  to,  I  will  have  them  bound  hand  and  foot, 
and  if  I  can,  shall  lock  tliem  in  tliis  corridor  ;  still  I  have 
nothing  wlierewith  to  gag  them,  and  they  might  scream 
loud  enough  to  attract  others  to  aid  them.  Ila !  I  have 
got  it — I'll  drag  them  into  my  dungeon  and  bolt  the  door 
on  them  ;  that  is,  if  I  can  find  the  key  to  it ;  I'll  go  and 
see  if  there  is  any  key  in  either  door,  or  if  there  are  any 
means  of  fastening  the  same  without  a  key.  Here  it  is,  an 
outside  bolt ! 

"I  will  now  return  and  wait  behind  the  stair  door  until 
morning  ;  but  why  could  I  not  create  some  noise  to  arouse 
the  night-watchman  ?  lie  might  not  be  far  away,  and 
without  hesitation  unbolt  the  door  to  see  what  was  wrong. 

''I'll  try  a  deep,  distant  moan  by  ventriloquism,  as  if 
some  dungeon  prisoners  were  very  ill,  and  if  this  fail,  I'll 
increase  the  sounds  \mtil  I  shall  bring  some  one  or  more." 

He  now  groaned  in  a  deep  voice  through  the  key-hole, 
and  in  a  moment  he  heard  some  one  approach  the  door, 
who  seemed  to  listen  for  a  few  minutes,  when  he  repeated 
his  moan,  throwing  it  into  his  cell ;  this  caused  the  night- 
watchman  to  unbolt  the  huge  iron  door,  when  he  Avent 
directly  toward  Juno's  dungeon,  and  opening  the  feed- 
slide,  placed  his  ear  evidently  to  it  to  listen  to  the  groans. 
Now  was  Dr.  Juno's  time  to  quiet  his  keeper  ;  but,  he  first 
quietly  took  the  key  which  the  latter  let  remain  in  the  out- 
side of  the  stair  door,  and  placed  it  inside  of  the  lock, 
closed  the  door,  bolted  it.  and  pocketed  the  key  ^  then  he 
quietly»went  in  the  direction  of  his  dungeon,  and  before 
he  knew  what  he  was  about  he  struck  his  head  against  the 
keeper's,  and  quick  as  lightning  they  grappled,  but  being 
somewhat  feeble,  found  that  he  had  a  pretty  good  match 
in  the  diminutive  keeper. 

They  scuffled  about  the  place  in  a  most  terrible  manner, 
one  moment  one  being  on  the  top  and  the  next  minute  the 
other,  until  Victor  Juno  got  his  hand  into  the  long  hair 


98  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

of  his  antagonist,  when  the  keeper  asked  for  mercy.  Vic- 
tor Juno  could  not  coutinue  to  punish  his  victim  uselessly, 
and  as  he  felt  nearly  done-over  himself,  said  : 

"  If  1  let  you  loose,  will  you  promise  me  to  be  docile  and 
perfectly  quiet — I  mean,  make  no  noise  V  " 

"Certainly  I  will,"  responded  the  keeper. 

But  he  was  no  sooner  loose,  than  he  made  for  the  stair 
door,  thinking : 

"I  shall  lock  you  devil  or  lunatic  up,  until  you  can  be 
secured." 

But,  O  horror  !  the  lunatic  had  locked  the  door  of  exit, 
and  what  could  he  do  but  face  tlie  demon  or  scream  for 
help  ?  Victor  Juno  heard  him  scramble  for  the  door,  when 
he  said,  in  a  low  tone  : 

"  Sir,  you  are  not  as  good  as  your  word,  therefore  I  shall 
be  under  the  disagreeable  necessity  of  compelling  you  to  be 
silent." 

The  poor  trembling  keeper  interposed  :  "  What  do  you 
want  me  to  doV" 

"  Sir,  I  want  your  promise  to  keep  silent,  and  come  over 
here  and  sit  quietly  down  on  the  floor  until  daylight,"  said 
Victor  Juno  in  a  commanding  and  stern  voice,  which 
thrilled  the  scared  victim,  and  although  he  had  no  weapon 
of  defence  with  him,  he  nevertheless  ejaculated  : 

"  If  you  come  near  me  again,  I  will  shoot  or  stab  you  ;  I 
have  both  a  revolver  and  a  dirk  ready  for  action." 

"Indeed,  sir,  then  I  shall  be  compelled  to  beat  your 
brains  out  with  the  huge  hammer  which  I  hold  in  my 
hand ;  so  you  see  that  two  can  play  at  this  little  game," 
exclaimed  Victor  Juno. 

"Tell  me,  who  are  you,  and  what  do  you  want^?  You 
seem  to  be  sane,"  said  the  keeper. 

"Yes,  sir,  I  fear  that  I  am  too  sane  and  powerful  for 
you ;  but,  who  and  what  I  am,  or  want  here,  can  be  no  af- 
fair of  yours  this  night,  so  you  better  obey  my  orders, 
when  not  a  hair  on  your  head  shall  be  harmed,"  kindly  re- 
sponded Victor  Juno, 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND   LOVERS.  99 

"  Great  God,  he  is  mad  !  "  thought  the  poor  victim,  and 
said  aloud  : ''  Did  you  bolt  this  door  V  " 

"  Yes,  sir,  I  did,  and  have  the  key  of  it  in  ray  posses- 
sion," replied  Victor  Juno,  and  continued  earnestly:  "I 
say,  will  you  obey  me  ;  speak  and  act,  or  I'll  send  you  swift 
as  lightning  into  the  next  world  V  " 

This  caused  the  half  frightened  keeper  to  scream  murder, 
when  Victor  made  one  leap  in  the  direction  of  the  voice, 
and  struck  him  on  the  temple  with  his  fist,  which  caused 
him  to  reel  and  spin  like  a  top.  Thus  Victor  Juno  sent 
his  victim  away  into  the  dark  corridor  beyond  his  reach  ; 
therefore  he  began  to  fish  and  reach  for  the  sickened  and 
scared  watchman  cautiously,  dreading  the  pistol  or  dirk 
of  which  he  spoke. 

After  searching  for  several  minutes,  Victor  listened 
with  ears  and  mouth  wide  open,  when  he  heard  the  keeper 
breathe  ;  cautiously  he  neared  the  breathing  apparatus,  and 
when  he  was  sure  that  he  was  within  the  distance  of  arm's 
length,  he  reached  for  his  throat,  whilst  he  managed  to 
grab  him  simultaneously  by  the  shoulder,  and  reeled  him 
around,  and  with  lightning  velocity  grasped  his  arms  by 
the  elbows  and  forced  them  together,  when  he  took  a  piece 
of  rope  and  bound  them  securely,  and  said  : 

"JSTow,  sir,  I  think  your  pistol  and  dirk  won't  avail  you 
much,  and  I  implore  you  give  them  to  me,  or  I'll  handle 
you  very  roughly,"  furiously  exclaimed  Victor  Juno. 

"  I  have  neither  pistol  nor  dirk,"  stammered  the  victim. 

"Then,  I'll  send  you  to  my  cell,"  and  no  sooner  said 
than  he  moved  him  along  the  corridor  to  w^here  Victor's 
cell  door  was,  and,  opening  it,  ushered  him  uncouthly 
forth  into  the  cell,  and  closed  and  bolted  the  same. 


100  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OP   1900  :   OR, 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

THRILLING  PRISON   SCENE   BETWEEN   LUCINDA  AND 
DEACON  STEAV. 

ISS  LUCINDA  ARMINGTON  was  not  visited 
or  molested  by  any  one  for  several  days  after  the 
disguised  and  whipped  monster  suddenly  disap- 
peared from  her  presence,  through  a  secret  door  ; 
therefore  she  had  time  for  reflection.  She  thought  almost 
continually  about  her  beloved  Victor.  What  was  he 
doing,  or  where  might  he  be,  at  that  moment !  O,  if  she 
could  only  meet  him  once  more,  only  for  a  short  hour,  how 
happy  she  would  be  ! 

Her  appetite  failed  her,  and  she  could  not  sleep  without 
continually  dreaming  the  most  horrible  things,  and  her 
dear  Victor  would  always  appear  in  her  dreams,  who  was 
surrounded  by  reptiles  and  vermin  of  the  nastiest  charac- 
ter, which  did  their  best  to  bite  and  sting  him  to  the  heart, 
when  he  would  weep  and  wail  for  assistance  ;  and  although 
she  saw  it  all,  and  he  begged  her  to  assist  him,  she  was  en- 
tirely powerless  and  could  not  as  much  as  say  a  kind  word 
to  him,  or  keep  these  venomous  pests  away  from  him. 

After  waking  from  these  awful  dreams,  she  always  felt 
that  her  betrothed  and  dearly  beloved  Victor  was  sur- 
rounded by  fiends,  or  was  even  then  undergoing  severe 
punishment  for  serving  God  and  man.  She  endeavored  to 
console  herself  by  Scriptural  passages,  but  she  had  not  the 
nerve  and  faith  that  were  necessary  to  face  such  martyr- 
dom. Although,  she  Avas  not  thinking  of  her  own  suffer- 
ings, but  of  the  dangers  and  tortures  that  threatened  dear 
Victor. 

Whilst  in  the  midst  of  these  meditations,  early  in  the 
morning,  a  private  door  opened,  and  Deacon  Rob  Stew 
stood  before  her ;  at  first  she  felt  like  flying  to  him  and 
embracing  him,  because  he  was  the  old  friend  of  the  family 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  101 

and  good  deacon.  The  deacon  saw  that  she  looked  kindly 
upon  him,  which  made  him  bold,  when  he  advanced  to- 
ward her  and  said : 

"  My  dear  Lucinda,  I  am  delighted  to  see  you,  although 
very  sorry  to  find  you  in  this  place." 

Like  lightning  the  thought  flashed  through  her  brain  : 
"You  scoundrel,  can  dissemble  beautifully  "  —  and  her 
countenance  changed  to  a  fro^\'n,  and  hatred  looked  out  of 
her  determined  eyes,  when  the  pious  deacon  asked  : 

"  What  is  the  matter  with  my  sw^eet  child  V  Do  not  look 
so  distressed,  I  have  come  to  offer  you  freedom  and  my 
heart  and  hand  in  marriage." 

"Avaunt !  you  fiend  !  I  know  you  now,  and  you  need  not 
dissemble  and  act  the  hypocrite  any  longer !  I  say  you 
had  better  be  gone,  or  I'll  give  you  another  beating  that 
will  leave  worse  marks  than  the  one  you  now  carry  on  your 
nose !  Do  you  hear  me  V  Be  gone !  "  furiously  ejaculated 
Miss  Armington,  who  was  fully  convinced  that  the  dis- 
guised man  whom  she  had  pummelled  a  few  days  before  in 
this  cell,  and  that  in  the  dark,  was  this  saintly  deacon. 

He  now  fiew  into  a  passion,  and  said  : 

"Miss  Armington,  how  dare  you  insult  me  in  this  way, 
when  I  came  to  you  in  the  kindest  manner,  and  with  the 
holiest  intentions  V  You  are  an  ingrate,  who  deserves  no 
better  treatment  than  you  are  receiving  in  this  cell,  and  I 
shall  leave  you  in  a  moment,  as  you  request  it ;  but,  before 
I  go,  let  me  say,  that  I  am  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  and  I  would 
have  you  know  that  my  power  and  influence  is  greater 
than  any  monarch  in  Europe,  therefore,  beware  how  you 
insult  and  cast  me  off." 

"You  are  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  the  powerful  and  influen- 
tial saint ;  yes,  and  you  were  'handsome  '  before  I  destroyed 
your  beautiful  nose  the  other  day,  when  I  beat  j'ou  like  a 
howling  cur  " — 

"  You  beat  me  like  a  howling  cur,"  interposed  the  dea- 
con.   "  When,  and  how  was  that  ?  " 


102  THE   SOCIAL   WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

"If  youdon't  leave  me,  I  will  show  you  how,"  exclaimed 
Miss  Armington,  lier  eyes  rtasliing  lire  and  t'liiy. 

The  deacon  ratlier  winced,  and  feared  that  she  might 
make  another  onslaught  on  his  saintly  carcass,  when  he 
changed  the  conversation  and  said,  very  sanctimoniously: 

"  My  dear  young  sister,  now  come,  let  us  be  serious,  and 
talk  like  Christians,  not  like  sinners  ;  for  you  must  know 
that  1  love  you,  have  always  hoped  you  would  become  my 
wife.  And  had  it  not  been  for  that  profligate  innovator, 
Victor  Juno,  I  undoubtedly  would  have  remained  foremost 
in  your  affections  " — 

"May  the  curse  of  an  avenging  God  fall  upon  your  lep- 
rous tongue,  and  the  spirit  of  unrest  never  cease  to  molest 
and  torture  your  wicked  soul,  until  you  retract  every  word 
that  you  have  ever  spoken  against  that  honorable  gentle- 
man 1  Yes,  may  God  sow  thorns  and  thistles  in  your  path, 
that  your  body  may  be  pricked  and  torn  to  pieces  by  them, 
as  you  have  endeavored  to  lacerate  mine  and  the  noble 
Victor's  hearts  by  your  bloody  conspiracies  against  us 
both !  You  are  a  detestable  villain,  and  I  wonder  that  you 
are  not  afraid  that  God  will  strike  you  dead  forthwith, 
and  send  your  loathsome  soul  into  the  regions  of  everlast- 
ing torment !    Do  you  hear  that  ? 

"Now,  you  have  my  sentiments,  tlierefore  leave  me  in- 
stantly ! "  interposed  Miss  Armington,  in  a  manner  that 
meant  mischief. 

"  I  pray  you,  listen  for  a  moment  to  me,  and  then,  if  you 
are  not  satisfied,  I  will  quit  you  foVever,"  down-heartedly 
said  the  deacon, 

"Well,  say  on  then;  but  no  more  insults,  remember 
that,"  responded  Miss  Armington. 

"You  blame  me  for  things  of  which  I  am  entirely  inno- 
cent. I  have  never  conspired  against  you,  but  I  cannot 
say  that  much  for  Victor  Juno  " — 

"Accui'sed  falsifier  that  you  are  ;  would  yon  damn  your 
own  hypocritical  soul  over  and  over  by  adding  insult  to 
injury?"  interrupted  vShe. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  103 

"Hear  me  through,"  said  he,  "before  you  become  so 
severe  ;  I  do  not  wish  to  shield  myself  from  any  crime  or 
sin  that  I  may  have  committed  on  your  behalf  " — 

"What  do  you  mean,"  interrupted  Miss  Armington, 
"by  saying  that  you  have  committed  crime  or  sin  in  my 
behalf  V  " 

"  My  dear  Lucinda,  I  love  you,  and  love  is  blind  to  every- 
thing. It  was  this  extreme  affection  for  you,  sweet  lady, 
that  drove  me  to  commit  acts  that  nothing  else  in  the 
W'Orld  could  have  driven  me  to  do,"  sorrowfully  said  the 
deacon. 

"I  have  never  done  anything  to  encourage  you  in  that 
direction  ;  and  if  what  you  say  is  true,  of  which  I  have  my 
doubts,  I  pity  you  ;  but  that  is  all  the  consolation  you  can 
ever  expect  from  me.  Even  had  I  possessed  any  regard 
for  you,  the  acts  which  you  have  committed  against  him 
whose  very  footprints  I  love  more  than  the  entire  existence 
of  thousands  like  yourself,  would  have  caused  me  to  spurn 
you,"  indignantly  ejaculated  Miss  Armington. 

"  Is  there,  then,  no  hope  for  me  V  I  was  told  by  Pat 
O'Conner  that  you  only  took  to  Victor  Juno  because  I  did 
not  propose  marriage  to  you,"  said  he. 

"And  you  were  fool  'enough  to  believe  what  my  servant 
told  you  !  "  she  exclaimed. 

"  Why  should  I  not  have  believed  it  V  Did  you  not  al- 
ways treat  me  kindly,  and  appeared  glad  to  see  me  at  your 
house,  until  that  innovator  made  his  appearance  V  "  said 
Deacon  Stew. 

"  Sir,  if  you  desire  my  audience  even  in  this  prison  cell, 
cease  to  call  my  beloved  Victor  names,  or  I'll  refuse  to 
listen  to  you,"  proudly  exclaimed  Miss  Armington,  looking 
at  him  as  if  she  really  detested  him. 

"  Well,  proud  lady,"  said  he,  "  I  then  shall  be  compelled 
to  remove  this  '  beloved-  Victor '  from  your  reach ;  and, 
unless  you  promise  to  lend  me  your  ear  and  give  me  some 
hope.  I  sliall  cause  his  death  !  " 

"  What !    Would  you  become  a  murderer  ?    Would  you 


104  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

add  this  foul  crime  to  your  already  blackened  deeds  done 
in  tlie  body  V  Avaunt!  I  say;  or  I'll  tear  you  limb  from 
limb,  you  miserable  fiend,  and  save  you  the  trouble  or 
pleasure  of  injuring  my  beloved  Victor,"  most  furiously 
exclaimed  Miss  Armington,  wlio  was  now  almost  insane 
with  fear  and  horror,  lest  her  faitlif ul  betrothed  should  be 
made  to  suffer  tortures  on  her  account.    She  thought : 

'Tor  aught  I  know,  he  is  now  enduring  tlie  pangs  of  a 
lingering  death  ;  because  I  am  sure^  this  vile  deacon  would 
be  guilty  of  anything  to  gain  his  selfish  and  brutal  ends. 
Oh,  Victor!  Victor!  may  the  Infinite  hand  of  Jehovah 
protect  and  guard  you  against  the  wiles,  plots  and  con- 
spiracies of  these  bloody  people.  What  have  you  ever 
done  to  injure  them  ?  What  have  you  ever  done  to  injure 
any  one  ?  You  are  so  noble,  so  benevolent,  so  very  gene- 
rous and  so  zealous  to  improve  your  race,  that  I  cannot 
see  what  benefit  it  is  to  a  man  to  do  good  in  this  world." 

After  looking  upon  her  for  a  few  minutes  with  dumb- 
founded amazement,  the  deacon  said  : 

''  What  are  you  thinking  about.  Miss  Armington  ?  Do 
you  not  feel  well?  If  I  have  caused  you  pain,  I  humbly 
ask  your  pardon,  and  if  my  presence  distresses  you,  I  will 
leave  you ;  but,  can  I  not  hope  for  a  little  encourage- 
ment V  " 

"  No,  you  cannot ;  but,  you  can  drive  me  mad,  and  then 
you  may  be  able  to  justify  yourself  before  your  brethren, 
and  the  world,  for  placing  me  in  this  cell !  This  may  be 
the  object  of  your  visits  here,  so  now  tlien,  please  leave 
me,"  when  she  fainted  dead  away. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  105 

CHAPTER  XXIV. 

DR.  VICTOR  JUNO'S  ESCAPE  FKOM  HIS  DUNGEON. 

ijEMMY,  the  overseer,  had  a  secret  trial  by  the. 
bloody  conspirators,  and  upon  the  evidence  given 
by  (jreorge  and  William,  who  perjured  them- 
selves, Jemmy  was  pronomiced  guilty,  and  a 
true  bill  of  indictment  was  found  against  him  the  next 
day,  when  he  was  tried  in  the  court  of  sessions,  before 
a  judge  and  prosecuting  attorney,  who  belonged  to  the 
bloody  clique. 

However,  it  must  be  remembered,  that  Victor  Juno 
escaped  before  Jemmy's  public  trial  took  place,  which  con- 
firmed Deacon  Rob  Stew's  foriBer  suspicion  of  the  guilt 
of  Jemmy,  and  therefore  additional  witnesses  were  placed 
upon  the  stand.  The  night-watchman,  whom  Dr.  Juno 
locked  up  in  his  cell  tlie  night  of  the  tussle,  was  a  first- 
class  witness  for  the  conspirators,  and  of  course,  Jemmy- 
was  found  guilty  of  felony,  and  sentenced  forthwith,  for 
life  to  solitary  confinement  in  the  eastern  penitentiary. 

This  gave  a  quietus  to  the  only  man  who  really  knew 
anything  positive  of  the  workings  of  the  asylum,  except 
Pat  O 'Conner  and  Judy  McCrea,  and  when  they  learned 
how  summarily  Jemmy  was  dispatched,  they  very  likely 
would  be  silent,  lest  they  might  be  served  in  the  same  way. 

Deacon  Rob  Stew  sought  an  interview  witli  Pat  O'Con- 
ner  as  soon  as  he  had  an  opportunity,  after  he  met  him 
and  Judy  McCrea  at  the  asylum  when  he  had  arrested 
Jemmy,  and  said  : 

"Pat,  I  want  to  know  what  you  meant  by  com  ins:  into 
my  presence  in  the  asylum,  nnd  eiacnlating  so  furiously 
that  you  would  '■  expoxe  the  whole  tJnnc/,'' the  day  that  T  ar- 
rested Jemmy,  the  conspirator  ?  "Was  it  j''ou  who  was  in 
conspiracy  witli  Jemmy  " — 

"  Och  !  be  Sant  Patrick,  yer  honor  should  know  me 
better  than  that,"  said  Pat. 


106  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"  What  did  you  mean,  when  you  said  you  would  '  expose 
the  whole  tldng  '/  "  responded  the  deacon. 

"Expose  tiie  whole  ting,"  ejaculated  Pat,  and  stammer^ 
ing,  ••we-11  I  was  tould  by  tiiat  Misliter  Juno's  sarvant 
that  ye  had  murhdered  me  Mistress  Armington,  an'  that 
Mishter  Juno  earned  home  from  visitin'  a  sick  person  along 
ways  away  ;  this  is  what  was  the  hole  ting  what  I  was 
sayiu'  I'd  expose." 

"  Pat,  are  you  telling  the  truth  ?  "  asked  the  deacon. 

"  An'  may  me  sowl  sace  to  liv  ef  it  aint,"  solemnly  said 
Pat,  who  however  had  other  ideas,  but  he  considered  au 
ounce  of  policy  might  be  worth  ten  thousand  pounds  of 
truth,  just  now.  And  he  knew  well  enough,  if  the  deacon 
had  the  least  suspicion  of  him  being  informed  of  Miss  Lu- 
cinda  Armington  and  Dr.  Victor  Juno  being,  or  having 
been  in  their  philanthropic  insane  asylum,  he  would  cause 
his  and  Judy  McCrea's  arrest,  conviction  and  imprison- 
ment ;  and,  although  as  Dr.  Juno  is  at  liberty,  he  had  bet- 
ter not  be  seen  in  Juno's  company,  else  mischief  might  be- 
fall him  and  his  Judy. 

Pat  was  no  fool  in  reasoning  thus  •,  and  especially  as  the 
deacon  looked  determined  and  spoke  very  theateningly, 
Pat  considered  discretion  the  better  part  of  valor. 

The  bloody  conspirators,  at  this  stage  of  proceedings,  had 
to  make  powerful  efforts  to  stigmatize  Dr.  Juno  as  a  wicked 
monster  and  awful  liar,  for  they  felt  certain  that  he  would 
at  once  pounce  upon  the  rostrum  and  expose  all  he  knew  ; 
but  the  influence  of  all  the  religious  denominations,  who 
believe  every  thing  the  bloody  conspirators  say,  was  im- 
mense ;  and  by  the  hue  and  cry  against  Dr.  Juno  as  the 
seducer,  eloper  and  deserter  of  Miss  Lucinda  Armington, 
he  could  be  held  up  to  such  scorn  and  contempt,  that  his 
practice  as  a  physician  would  be  utterly  ruined,  and  few, 
if  nnv.  would  dare  to  go  near  him. 

There  wns  only  one  thing  to  be  dreaded,  his  tongue  in 
the  rostrum  ;  for  the  wicked  and  curious  "  people  "  icill  go 
to  hear  him,  and  he  has  a  way  of  addressing  them  that 


THE    CONSPIKATORS    AND    LOVERS.  107 

convinces  thousands  that  he  is  in  the  right,  iSTow,  some- 
thing must  be  done  to  stop  him  from  preacliing  in  large 
halls,  or  theatres,  or  they  (tlie  conspirators)  would  as  sure 
be  ruined  as  Avater  runs  down  hill. 

They  could  easily  prevent  their  followers,  and  even  the 
great  majority  of  the  worldlings,  from  believing  anything 
that  Dr.  Juno  might  say,  so  far  as  his  incarceration  was 
concerned  ;  but,  when  he  gets  a  chance  to  preach,  or  write 
for  a  paper,  he  argues  in  such  a  manner  as  to  positively 
show  his  auditors  and  readers  that  his  doctrines  are  sound, 
and  prove  to  every  one  that  all  the  religionists'  views  and 
teachings  are  anti-Christ  and  anti-Natural !  Althougli  the 
very  hearers  or  readers  who  are  convinced  that  his  logic 
is  correct,  nevertheless  may  not  believe  him  to  be  an  honest 
or  truthful  man  ;  hence,  it  is  no  trouble  for  the  elect  to  say 
that  he  has  been  away  with  Miss  Armington,  if  he  should 
say  that  the  saints  abducted  him  or  Miss  Armington  and 
imprisoned  them  in  the  insane  asylum. 

Pat  O 'Conner  and  Judy  McCrea  made  up  their  minds 
that  they  would  remain  quietly  at  home  and  attend  to 
their  business,  and  would  positively  not  have  any  inter- 
course with  Dr.  Juno  ;  but,  if  the  general  would  return, 
they  would  confide  the  matter  to  him. 

The  general  was  still  in  Liverpool  at  this  time  ;  and  as 
soon  as  Victor  Juno  had  escaped,  the  bloody  conspirators 
managed  to  write  to  him  at  once,  and  gave  him  the  sore 
information  tliat  Dr.  Juno  had  returned  home,  evidently 
having  deserted  his  daughter,  Miss  Lucinda  Armington. 

That  unless  they  gave  the  general  the  first  information 
of  it,  and  some  one  else  would  do  so,  he  might  suspicion 
his  faithful  ( ?)  brethren,  and  lose  faith  in  their  integrity. 

They  told  the  general,  in  their  letter,  that  they  learned 
that  Miss  Lucinda  was  then  in  London,  the  mother  of  a 
little  son,  and  that  he  had  better  direct  his  steps  there,  for 
she  was  evidently  in  poverty  and  great  distress. 

The  poor  general  went  almost  mad  when  he  received 
this  news,  and  concluded  that  he  would  go  to  London,  and 


108  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

diligently  search  for  his  misled  child  ;  and  if  he  failed  to 
find  her  in  a  certain  period,  he  would  sail  for  his  home  in 
America  ;  for  he  felt  as  though  his  beloved  daughter  was 
near  his  own  home  ;  at  any  rate,  he  was  nearly  insane,  and 
he  would  return  to  revenge  himself  on  Victor  Juno  ;  and 
he  would  seek  him,  and  with  a  loaded  revolver  pointed  at 
Dr,  Juno's  breast,  he  would  make  him  confess  or  shoot 
him  dead. 

Whenever  General  Washington  AiTnington  made  up  his 
mind  to  do  anything,  he  Avould  never  cease  thinking  of  it 
until  he  had  fulfilled  his  mental  promises.  He  therefore 
went  to  London  in  company  with  his  expei't  detective ; 
but,  after  a  fortnight's  diligent  search,  they  gave  it  up  as 
a  failure.  The  detective  told  the  general  that  he  felt  cer- 
tain that  neither  his  daughter  nor  Dr.  Juno  had  been  in 
Europe,  as  reported  ;  but  that  he  believed,  and  he  claimed 
his  judgment  to  be  good,  that  his  daughter  was  hid  away 
not  far  from  the  general's  own  home  ;  this  coincided  ex- 
actly with  the  general's  own  views.  The  latter,  therefore, 
started  for  America,  and  arrived  at  his  residence  in  a  very 
brief  season,  where  the  faithful  servants  were  found  when 
he  arrived. 

Pat  O 'Conner  intended  to  confide  what  he  knew  at  once 
to  his  master ;  but  the  general  was  in  such  an  agitated 
state  of  mind  that  he  would  not  give  Pat  an  opportunity 
to  say  anything  to  him.  The  only  thing  he  asked  Pat  was  : 

"  Is  Victor  Juno  at  his  home  V  " 

"Yis,"  said  Pat. 

"  My  God  ! "  retorted  the  general,  and  asked  Pat  to 
leave  him. 

He  now  prepared  a  six-shooter,  and  at  once  sat  out  to 
seek  Dr.  Victor  Juno  ;  he  found  the  doctor  in  his  medical 
oflfice,  when  he  accosted  him  thus  : 

"  Now,  you  infernal  rascal,  where  is  my  daughter  ?  " 

"That  is  just  what  I  want  to  know,"  said  Dr.  Juno, 
anxiously,  but  coolly.  This  so  enraged  the  general,  that 
he  presented  his  revolver  to  Dr.  Juno's  breast,  and  fired. 


THE   CONSPIRATOES    AND   LOVERS.  109 


CHAPTEK  XXV. 

DR.  JUNO  LOCKED  OUT  OF  CONCERT  HALL,  WHICH 
CAUSED  A  RIOT. 

fOCTOE  VICTOR  JUNO,  after  running  the  night 
watchman  into  his  cell  and  bolting  the  door,  had 
very  little  trouble  in  making  his  way  out  of  tlie 
asylum.  He  unbolted  the  iron  stair  door,  and 
after  he  passed  through  it,  locked  it  again  and  pocketed 
the  key,  thinking  that  he  miglit  need  it  elsewhere. 

Since  he  now  had  the  keeper  or  watchman  stored  away 
where  he  could  not  be  heard  should  he  scream  with  all  his 
might,  he  felt  almost  certain  that  no  one  else  was  in  that 
part  of  the  institution  ;  but,  for  fear  there  might  be,  he 
was  cautious  in  his  advancement,  and  although  he  put  the 
keeper's  hat  on,  he  was  too  large  to  look  like  him. 

As  he  arrived  on  the  first  floor,  where  lights  shone 
dimly,  he  beheld  a  man  in  a  distant  part  of  that  corridor, 
who  called  to  Dr.  Juno  : 

"  Jeremiah,  will  you  take  charge  of  this  ward  for  the 
balance  of  the  night  ?  " 

When  Dr.  Juno  replied,  "Certainly  I  will." 

The  man  instantly  passed  through  a  door,  and  disap- 
peared. He  evidently  mistook  Dr.  Juno  for  the  legitimate 
watchman.  The  Doctor  now  followed  the  advice  which 
Jemmy  gave  him,  and  with  a  slight  effort  pried  the  only 
door  open  that  was  locked,  until  he  reached  the  open  yard 
of  the  asjdum  ;  and  with  his  rope,  chisel  and  hammer,  he 
readily  scaled  the  wall,  and  in  an  hour  he  was  in  his  office. 

Having  been  away  for  several  weeks,  he  must  at  once 
begin  his  lectures  again  ;  and  when  he  retired  to  his  bed, 
could  not  sleep  for  thinking  what  he  had  better  do.  He 
soliloquized  as  follows : 

"When  I  last  preached  in  the  Walnut  Street  Theatre, 
the  Pharisees  colluded  together  to  create  a  riot,  and  failing 


110  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

in  that,  they  influenced  the  mayor  to  solicit  the  proprietor 
of  tlie  theatre  to  not  let  me  have  it  again,  as  a  monstrous 
breach  of  the  peace  was  threatened  ;  then,  when  I  returned 
to  my  own  small  liall  in  the  northern  part  of  the  city,  and 
had  immense  crowds  of  people  follow  me  who  could  not 
gain  admission  on  account  of  my  room  being  too  small,  the 
Pharisees  were  displeased  with  even  that  success,  when 
they  literally  bought  off  all  the  daily  newspaper  proprie- 
tors—requesting them  to  cease  taking  a  single  advertise- 
ment from  me,  and  even  refuse  to  insert  my  name  for  love 
or  money  into  their  columns, 

"  They  thought,  of  course,  that,  if  I  was  deprived  of  the 
use  of  the  theatres,  large  public  halls,  and  the  newspa- 
per advertising  columns,  I  would  be  compelled  to  starve 
or  leave  the  city,  and  now  as  I  have  been  abducted  and 
confined  in  that  liell-hole  of  an  insane  asylum,  these 
iloody  conspirators  will  make  a  handle  of  it,  or  at  least  in 
some  way  construe  my  absence  into  something  that  will 
speak  against  me ! 

'•'•  I  have  my  own  newspaper,  '■The  Sharp- Shooter,  and  Anti- 
Fogy,''  which  they  dread  awfully,  and  I  have  my  own  hall, 
that  M'ill  seat  three  hundred  people ;  but,  my  hall  is  not 
large  nor  fashionable  enough  for  the  elite  to  enter  it ;  at 
any  rate,  a  small  audience  cannot  be  fired  up  and  made  en- 
thusiastic like  a  large  one  ;  lience,  I  will  lumt  ai-ound  to- 
morrow and  see  if  I  cannot  find  some  large  })ublic  hall  or 
tlieatre  that  has  not  been  bought  off  by  the  pharisees. 

"  I  shall  go  to  see  my  darling  Lucinda  the  first  thing  in 
the  morning  ;  she  will  be  delighted  to  see  me  !  The  poor 
girl,  I  wonder  if  she  dreams  of  the  persecution  that  I  have 
suffered  ?  I'll  ask  the  general  to  advise  and  aid  me  to  get 
a  large  hall  to  preach  in  next  Sunday  evening  !  " 

In  the  morning  Dr.  Juno's  servant  told  him  what  the 
report  was  about  him  whilst  he  was  gone ;  that  most  of 
the  people,  who  had  been  his  former  friends,  really  believed 
that  he  had  eloped  with  Miss  Lucinda  Armington. 

"  What  ?  "  ejaculated  the  astonished  doctor,    "  eloped 


THE   COXSPIEATORS   AND   LOVERS.  Ill 

"with  Miss  Liicinda  Armington  V  Great  Heavens  !  Has  she 
been  also  away  in  my  absence  V  " 

"■  Certainly,  she  disappeared  the  same  niglit  that  you  did, 
and  has  not  been  heard  of  since,"  said  his  servant. 

"This  is  monstrous  !  O  God  !  this  is  truly  unendurable  ! 
Jack,  leave  me  to  meditate  over  this  outrage,"  exclaimed 
Dr.  Juno  in  agony. 

"I  am  confounded,  and  scarcely  know  what  course  to 
pursue  ;  but  I  cannot  lose  much  time  in  thmking.  I'll  go 
and  see  the  general,  and  tell  him  all  about  my  incarcera- 
tion ;  but  these  confounded  conspirators  assuredly  have 
turned  him  against  me.  Truly,  I  see  it  all.  They  have 
abducted  dear  Lucinda  the  very  night  that  I  was  kidnap- 
ped, and  very  likely  she  is  confined  in  the  same  lunatic 
asylum  from  which  I  escaped. 

"  What  can  I  do  to  find  her  ?  I  dare  not  be  rash  or  im- 
prudent in  the  matter,  because  these  bloody  monsters  have 
everything  their  own  way  just  now ;  therefore,  I  must 
work  cautiously,  but  energetically." 

Dr.  Juno  looked  around  for  a  lai-ge  centrally  located 
public  hall  to  preach  in.  He  first  went  to  Concert  Hall, 
which  was  the  largest  and  most  fashionable  place  in  the 
city,  knowing  that  a  new  proprietor  had  it  for  rent,  and 
verily,  he  agreed  to  lease  it  to  Dr.  Juno  for  a  year  to  preach 
in  on  Sunday  evenings  ;  therefore,  he  at  once  had  his 
posters  and  circulars  printed  and  distributed,  and  also 
sent  his  advertisement  to  the  only  independent  newspapers, 
(the  Sunday  papers),  to  which  he  alw^ays  had  access  in  com- 
mon with  the  community  at  large. 

The  moment  it  was  noticed  by  the  religious  bigots  that 
Dr.  Juno  was  advertising  to  speak  in  Concert  Hall  on  the 
following  Sunday,  they  went  to  the  new  and  inexperienced 
proprietor  of  the  hall,  and  told  him  to  prevent  Victor  Juno 
from  preaching  in  his  hall,  or  they  would  withdraw  their 
patronage  and  operate  acfainst  him,  which  would  have 
literally  ruined  the  proprietor.  The  latter,  therefore,  went 
to  the  mayor,  and  said  to  him : 


112  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"  Your  honor,  I  have  leased  Concert  Hall  to  Dr.  Juno, 
for  the  purpose  of  preaching  by  himself,  and  the  Young 
Men's  Association,  opposite,  say  that  if  I  let  him  speak 
only  one  night  in  the  place,  tliat  they  will  throw  up  their 
engagements  fof  the  winter  and  do  all  against  me  that  is 
in  their  power,  and  tliis  would  surely  ruin  me,  for  the  in- 
fluence of  the  religious  community  is  the  power  of  our  city. 
Now,  sir,  I  have  come  to  ask  you  what  I  had  better  do  to- 
morrow ?  " 

"  Do  V  Close  the  doors  against  him  of  course  ;  but  you 
have  time  to  inform  him  to-day  that  he  cannot  have  it," 
said  his  honor,  the  pious,  or  make  believe  saint.  Mayor 
M 1. 

"My  dear  sir,  I  have  already  informed  Dr.  Juno  that  he 
cannot  have  it,  but  he  insists  on  having  it,  as  he  has  paid 
for  it,  and  has  also  freely  advertised  the  same,  which  un- 
doubtedly will  bring  a  crowd  to-morrow,  Sunday  evening," 
exclaimed  the  proprietor  of  tlie  hall. 

"Ah  !  Indeed,  he  defies  you,  does  he  V  Very  well,  we 
will  see.  You  bolt  the  doors  as  strongly  as  you  can,  and 
I  will  have  a  posse  of  police  tliere  to  guard  and  protect  you 
thoroughly,"  responded  the  excellent  mayor. 

' '  ]\Iany  thanks,  noble  sir  ;  I  shall  follow  your  advice 
strictly,"  said  the  proprietor. 

When  Sunday  evening  arrived  it  rained  heavily,  being  a 
settled  rain,  but  notwithstanding  this  rain,  and  then  no 
streetcars  runnmg  on  the  "Sabbath-Day,"  there  was  an 
immense  crowd  of  peojile  congregated  in  front  of  the 
liall  ;  but  tlie  doors  wei-e  closed,  and  a  large  force  of  police- 
men lining  the  entrance  to  the  same. 

The  i)eople  wanted  to  know  what  this  all  meant,  the  an- 
swer came  from  the  police  officers,  that  Juno  was  pro- 
hibited from  preaching  therein  on  this  occasion ;  and  as 
soon  as  this  got  noised  throughout  the  four  to  five  thousand 
people  that  were  patiently  waiting  to  see  the  doors  open, 
tliey  became  impatient  and  rebellious,  and  cried  aloud  : 

"  Dr.  Juno  !  Dr.  Juno  !  " 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  113 

He  got  on  a  step  and  said  in  a  loud  voice  : 

"■  The  Pharisees  are  determined  that  you  shall  not  be 
allowed  to  hear  me  preach  to  you  ;  I  have  paid  for  the  hall 
in  advance,  and  you  see  the  rest  yourselves." 

Tlien  an  immense  uproar  burst  upon  the  air  : 

"  Mob  the  police  !  mob  the  police  !  "  And  a  most  terrible 
riot  ensued. 


CHAPTER  XXyi. 

MOST  THRILLIXG  AND  DE3I0XIACAL    PLOTTING  OF    THE 
CONSPIRATORS, 

[jHE  bloody  conspirators  had  now  increased  their 
number  of  members  largely,  and  a  special  meet- 
ing had  been  called  for  "Wednesday  evening, 
sharp,  at  eight  o'clock,  in  Tabernacle  Hall. 
Eev.  Joe  Pier,  the  President,  in  the  chair,  who  called  the 
members  to  order,  when  the  doors  were  securely  locked, 
and  business  was  commenced. 

Deacon  Eob  Stew  was  the  first  man  who  took  the  floor, 
and  spoke  as  follows  : 

"  Beloved  saints,  I  have  a  great  deal  to  say  to  you  this 
evening  that  is  to  be  kept  sacredly  secret ;  and  I  therefore 
again  assert,  that  if  there  is  any  chicken-hearted  brother  or 
sister  present,  whoever  it  is,  he  or  she  may  at  once  be 
removed.  Will  the  President  challenge  the  new  mem- 
bers, who  are  not  so  fully  indoctrinated  into  our  plans  and 
mottos  as  is  necessary  ?  " 

"  Certainly,  dear  Brother  Stew ;  I  will  do  as  you  saj--,  for 
you  all  know  that  I  tremble  when  I  think  of  the  arduous 
work  that  it  is  our  holy  mission  to  fulfil :  therefore,  I  order 
all  the  members  to  rise  to  their  feet,  and  repeat  our  pledge 
after  me,"  responded  Rev.  Joe  Pier. 

After  the  terrible  oath  was  repeated  by  each  new  mem- 
ber separately  (the  reader  knows  what  that  oath  is ;  has 
read  it  in  the  second  chapter).  Deacon  Stew  continued : 


114  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

*■'  Feeling  again  safe  in  conliding  my  bloody  plans  to  your 
heaits  and  iiands,  1  shall  biielly  state  wiiat  i  iiave  secretly 
learned,  and  what  I  propose  shall  be  done  ;  I  say  shull^  be- 
cause I  am  ordained  by  the  Church  to  see  to  tiiiancial  and 
secular  matters  as  well  as  to  assist  in  conducting  religious 
worship.  Dr.  Juno  has  again  escaped  us,  which  is  the 
most  unfortunate  thing  that  could  have  befallen  the  saints ; 
and  he  has  already  advertised  to  speak  in  Concert  Hall, 
next  Sabbath  evening ;  but  I  have  tixed  matters  for  him 
already,  so  that  he  will  be  locked  out  of  the  hall  when  his 
hour  foi  discourse  appears.  I  have  managed  this  through  the 
Young  Men's  Association,  wlio  have  great  intiuence  with 
the  proprietor  of  Concert  Hall.  But,  whilst  this  will  de- 
prive him  from  speaking  on  that  occasion,  it  will  not  stop 
him  from  trying  it  elsewhere ;  moreover,  he  has  a  small 
hall  of  his  own,  where  he  holds  his  physiological  lectures 
to  the  sexes ;  but,  I  am  sure  I  have  a  plan  in  view  which 
will  entrap  him,  if  it  is  rigidly  carried  out  by  our  religious 
people,  and  by  the  secret  conclave.  It  is  this :  We  must 
have  the  cry  vigorously  circulated,  far  and  near,  that  Vic- 
tor Juno  is  an  awful  roui,  who  is  proved  such  already  in 
public  esteem,  by  the  reputation  we  gave  hini — by  the 
seduction  of,  and  elopement  with,  Miss  Lucinda  Arm- 
ington.  Therefore,  we  shall  hire  a  few  fascinating  single 
ladies,  who  must  go  to  his  medical  office  for  professional 
advice,  and  endeavor  to  get  him  to  make  improper  ad- 
vances toward  them;  and  if  they  cannot  succeed,  will, 
nevertheless,  be  willing  to  swear  before  a  public  tribunal 
that  he  insulted  them." 

"  I  do  not  think  that  such  a  plan  will  work  successfully  ; 
but,  why  not  concoct  some  metliod  by  which  we  can  either 
imprison  or  hang  him  ?  "  said  Dr.  Toy  Pancy. 

"  No,  sir  ;  your  plan  would  be  dangerous  at  present,  for 
we  dare  not  make  too  many  bold  attempts  at  his  life  so 
closely  together  ;  because,  you  must  all  know  that  the  peo- 
ple are  looking  sharply  on,  and  when  they  should  find  out 
that  this  man  was  being  too  roughly  handled,  they  might 


THE  CONSPIRATORS  AND   LOVERS.  115 

arouse  the  hue  and  cry :  '  Persecution  and  Kepublicanism 
subjugated,'  which  might  cause  mob  law  and  rebellion,  a 
thing  we  shall  avoid  by  quietly,  but  cunningly,  working  in 
the  way  I  have  proposed.  However,  I  have  not  given  you 
my  whole  plans  as  yet.  Dr.  Juno  is  not  a  suspicious  man, 
but  a  fearless  dog  ;  hence,  several  married  ladies  should  be 
hired  to  visit  his  medical  office  also,  and  seek  domestic 
advice  ;  and  if  they  cannot  induce  him  to  make  improper 
overtures  to  them,  they  must,  nevertheless,  go  home  to 
their  husbands  (and  for  this  purpose  we  must  select  hand- 
some women,  whose  husbands  are  already  jealous  of  their 
wives,  and  who  are  not  afraid  to  shoot  him),  and  tell  their 
jealous  better-halves  that  Dr.  Juno  grossly  insulted  them, 
and  if  they  had  not  accidentally  escaped  him,  they  would 
have  been  ruined,"  said  Deacon  Stew. 

"I  have  still  a  better  plan,"  responded  Dr.  Toy  Fancy; 
"  that  is,  a  plan  that  is  more  likely  to  succeed,  and  will  be 
far  more  plausible.  It  must  be  very  certain  that  Dr.  Juno 
needs  money,  for  we  have  already  impoverished  him  by  our 
past  course,  and  he  is  heavily  in  debt,  which  he  dreads 
awfully ;  therefore,  we  should  send  some  unprincipled 
females  to  him,  with  five  hundred  or  a  thousand  dollars  a 
piece,  to  offer  him  for  producing  abortion  on  them,  which, 
very  likely,  he  would  do.  He  is  skilful  in  surgery,  and 
should,  undoubtedly,  conclude  that  this  would  be  an  easy 
way  of  making  large  sums  of  money  " — 

"This  is  the  best  plan,"  interrupted  Sister  ITancy 
Clover  ;  "and  afterwards  arrest  him  and  have  him  sent  to 
the  penitentiary  for  twenty  or  thirty  years,  which  would 
ruin  him  thoroughly  and  forever,  even  though  he  should  be 
pardoned  by  some  weak-minded  Governor." 

"  Oh  !  Holy  Sister  Nancy  Clover,  you  are  such  a  deep 
saint  that  my  soul  swells  when  I  hear  you  sanction  such 
safe  and  cautious  plans,"  said  Kev.  Joe  Pier,  solemnly. 

"I  have  still  another  plan  should  he  again  attempt  to 
speak  in  a  large  public  hall,  where  we  should  fail  to  con- 
trol the  proprietor  thereof ;  and  you  will  all  agree  with  me 


116  THE  SOCIAL   WAE  OF   1900;   OR, 

that  it  will  succeed  in  convicting  him  for  a  misdemeanor 
that  gives  him  one  year  in  the  county  prison,  and  hve  hun- 
dred dollars  tine. 

"  Dr.  Juno  publishes  and  sells  several  medical  books ; 
one  of  them  is  on  the  '  Physiology  of  Marriage, '  and  we  can 
readily  cry  it  down  as  an  '  Obscene '  publication,  and  all 
we  have  to  do  is  to  apply  to  our  good  natured  and  sincerely 
pious  mayor,  who  will  arrest  him  just  before  he  steps  on 
the  rostrum  to  preach,  and  convey  him  to  the  Central 
Station,  wdiere,  in  some  rude  cell,  he  will  stay  until  the 
following  ^Monday  morning ;  because  there  will  be  no  officer 
there  on  Sabbath  evening  to  give  him  a  hearing  or  take 
bail. 

"  By  the  morning  following,  all  the  newspapers  will  de- 
light in  filling  their  columns  with  the  arrest  of  Dr.  Juno 
for  selling  '  Obscene '  books  and  giving  indecent  sermons," 
said  Deacon  Rob  Stew. 

"  Excellent !  excellent !  most  excellent ! !  "  exclaimed 
Sister  Nancy  Clover,  and  added,  "and  I  am  sure,  if  we  can 
once  get  him  before  a  grand  jury,  he  Avill  be  indicted  forth- 
with ;  and  our  exemplary  District  Attorney,  Charlson,  who 
is  a  member  of  several  leagues  of  pious  and  republican 
orders,  will  work  for  his  conviction  with  all  his  pious 
shrewdness,  and  we  can  easily  manage  to  get  Judge  Sancti- 
blower  on  the  bench,  who  will  conspire  with  tlie  District 
Attorney,  Charlson,  and  rule  out  all  of  Dr.  Juno's  testi- 
mony, misconstrue  the  law  to  the  jury,  and  sentence  him 
to  the  full  extent  of  the  law,  and  deem  it  a  religious  duty 
becoming  the  elect." 

'■'■  Mr.  President,  and  brothers  and  sisters,  I  am  a  tyro  in 
this  work  of  deviltry,  which  yon  are  conspiring  to  carry 
out  under  the  cloak  of  holy  religion  ;  now,  Avliilst  I  shall 
not  violate  my  oath,  which  I  have  been  compelled  to  take 
this  evening,  I  nevertheless  am  not  willing  to  co-operate 
with  you  in  the  fulfilment  of  this  nefarious  work,"  said 
Harry  Gossimer,  earnestly  and  with  a  derisive  countenance. 

"  Great  Mars  !  may  I  never  live  to  see  to-morrow  if  this 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  117 

wretched  apostate  shall  leave  this  hall  to-night  until  we 
settle  his  benignant  conscience ! "  furiously  exclaimed 
Deacon  Rob  iStew.  "•  Such  miserable  devils  as  Brother 
Harry  Gossimer  should  learn  to  understand  upon  what 
ground  tliey  stand,  when  they  enter  our  secret  order ! '' 

*•  Sir,  Mr.  Rob  Stew  need  not  fear  that  I  shall  betray  the 
holy  saint,  whom  I  now  behold  in  his  true  colors  " — 

''Cease  your  sarcasm,"  furiously  exclaimed  Deacon 
Stew,  interrupting  the  speaker,  whilst  he  continued,  "Mr. 
President,  I  order  this  vile  apostate  to  be  at  once  arrested, 
tried,  convicted  and  sentenced  by  this  court  of  secrecy,  ac- 
cording to  our  oath.    What  say  the  brothers  and  sisters  ?  " 

"  Arrest  him  !  Arrest  him  I  "  was  the  unanimous  cry  ; 
when  he  was  pounced  upon  by  tlie  entire  brotherhood, 
who  knocked  him  senseless  to  the  floor,  and  cast  him  into 
their  dungeon. 


CHAPTER   XXYII. 

GENEKAL  APtMINGTOX  TURNS  IXSANE. 

[UST  as  General  Washington  Armington  fired, 
Dr.  Victor  Juno  knocked  the  pistol  aside,  when 
the  bullet  barely  grazed  his  skin  ;  but  the  gene- 
ral, not  satisfied,  immediately  attempted  to 
shoot  again,  when  Dr.  Juno  wrung  the  pistol  from  his 
hand,  and  said  : 

"  Xow  sir,  general,  if  I  were  the  man  yon  would  believe 
me  to  be,  I  miglit,  and  most  likely  would  shoot  yon  ;  but 
you  cruelly  wrong  me,  as  well  as  your  own  faithful  dausrh- 
ter  !  Gi'eat  heaven  !  could  I  only  find  out  where  she  is  I " 
exHaimpd  Dr.  Juno,  with  great  tpnrs  in  his  eyes,  which 
fairly  changed  the  general's  ideas,  when  he  asked  : 

"Tell  me,  then,  where  have  you  been  all  the  time,  that 
no  one  knew  of  your  whereabouts  ?  " 

"I  was  kidnapped  one  Thursday  evpnincr.  ns  I  was  walk- 
ing dov.'u  Chestnut  street,  and  carried  to  the  insane  asylum 


118  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

in  West  Philadelphia,  and  cast  into  a  most  dreadful  dun* 
geon,  and  only  made  my  escape  by  a  miracle— through  a 
faithful  servant,  Avhose  name  I  vowed  not  to  mention.  I 
believe  that  your  daughter  is  conhned  in  the  same  asylum," 
said  Dr.  Juno. 

"O  God  !  you  have  opened  my  senses  to  an  awful  sus- 
picion " — 

"  Yes,  sir,  and  the  very  deacon  who  stands  so  high  in 
the  church,  and  who  is  also  president  of  this  asylum,  is  in 
love  with  your  child  ;  and  very  likely  he  is  torturing  her 
inside  of  those  walls  ;  but  this  is  only  a  suspicion  ;  I  know 
nothing  about  it,  and  am  sorry  I  have  no  chance  to  find 
out  whether  she  is  there  or  not ;  but  it  is  only  a  matter  of 
time  !  "  responded  Dr.  Juno,  sympathetically. 

"  Oh  !  my  dear  son,  this  will  set  me  crazy  ;  for  I  now  be- 
lieve that  I  have  wronged  you  altogether— I  am  sure  of  it, 
and  feel  convinced  that  we  have  all  been  wronged  by  the 
very  people  in  whom  I  had  the  utmost  confidence ;  but, 
let  me  invoke  you,  young  man,  to  remain  steadfast  in  prin- 
ciple and  honor,  come  wliat  may  ;  for  the  day  of  reckoning 
will  come,  and  God  is  just  and  immutably  impartial— re- 
member that !  "  sadly  replied  the  general. 

"  Yes,  sir,  you  are  right,  and  I  prefer  death  to  dishonor  ; 
moreover,  principle  with  me  is  everything  "— 

"  I  know  it,  I  know  it ;  but,  I  have  greatly  wronged 
you,  for  which  I  ask  ten  thousand  pardons,"  said  the  gen- 
eral, interrupting  Dr.  Juno,  wlio  continued  : 

"Nay,  do  not  ask  pardon  of  me,  because  you  have  only 
done  what  any  good  father  would  do  ;  and  had  you  done 
less,  I  could  not  respect  and  love  you,  as  I  now  do.'' 

"  Young  man,  you  break  my  poor,  distressed  heart !  I 
have  suffered  a  million  of  deaths  since  last  we  have  seen 
each  other  happy  together— I  mean,  my  beloved  daughter 
and  myself  !  Lord !  O  Lord !  comfort  an  old  bereft,  desolate 
man's  soul,  in  this  bitter  hour  of  sorrow  !  But,  where,  O 
where  is  mv  dancrhter.  my  dausrhter  ?  "  which  were  the  last 
sane  words  tiiat  General  Wasiiiugton  Armington  spoke. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  119 

Dr.  Juno  called  his  servant,  and  requested  him  to  join 
him  in  conducting  the  old  man  to  his  home,  as  he  esteemed 
him  in  such  a  febrile  state  of  mind,  as  to  be  unsafe  to  let 
him  go  unattended.  When  they  arrived  at  the  general's 
residence,  Pat  O'Conner  and  Judy  McCrea  were  thunder- 
struck to  see  their  master  in  such  a  distressed  state  of 
mind  ;  but  they  feared  danger  very  much  to  have  Dr.  Juno 
found  at  their  home  ;  therefore,  Pat  proposed  to  send  for 
sister  Nancy  Clover,  who  was  the  general's  best  friend, 
and  in  whom  the  general  always  had  wonderful  confidence. 
Dr.  Juno  said  nothing,  but  did  not  wish  to  meet  Nancy 
Clover,  for  his  heart  throbbed  when  he  heard  her  name 
mentioned.  The  doctor  therefore  left  the  house,  saying 
to  Judy  McCrea,  if  his  services  were  wanted,  to  send  for 
him  ;  she  responded  : 

'^Yis,  sir." 

The  moment  sister  Nancy  Clover  arrived,  she  said  : 

"  The  general  is  insane,  and  he  must  at  once  be  taken  to 
the  ATest  Philadelphia  Insane  Asylum." 

"Och  !  murhder,"  almost  audibly  mumbled  Pat  O 'Con- 
ner, and  said  aloud,  "  Yer  lady  would  not  tak  me  good 
mashter  away  from  home,  would  ye  V  " 

''Why  not  ?  "  indignantly  responded  Nancy  Clover,  "  he 
is  insane,  and  our  asylum  for  such  invalids  is  the  proper 
place." 

Pat  and  Judy  withdrew  from  the  presence  of  the  pious 
sister,  when  Pat  said  : 

"  Judy  darlin,  what  ye  tink  ov  this  doms  ?  Be  Sant 
Patrick,  I  be  dumb  sthruck  wid  this  work." 

"Och  !  Pat,  an'  I  be  sick  ov  this  asylum  ;  jis  tink,  Pat 
darlin,  what  these  peoples  may  do  to  me  mashter  an'  mish- 
tress,  whin  they  hav  them  in  that  divilish  place  !  "  said 
Judy. 

These  faithful  servants  were  in  great  distress  to  find 
their  master  insane,  who  should  share  the  fate  of  his  poor 
daughter ;  and  what  would  become  of  the  cpueral's  pro- 
perty, was  a  puzzle  to  them ;  but,  very  likely,  the  bloody 


120  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF   1900;   OR, 

clique  would  become  the  guardians  of  the  estate,  aud  use 
his  money  under  the  pretence  that  they  support  him  iu 
their  asylum  ;  thus  they  will  become  owners  of  the  bodies, 
souls  and  property  of  the  Armington  family  ;  but,  thought 
Pat  O 'Conner : 

''111  expose  the  whole  ting,  at  the  rite  plaze,  an' I  be 
awachin'  me  chance  to  do  it."' 

It  may  be  necessary  to  say  here,  that  the  riot  which  took 
place  on  the  Sunday  evening,  when  Dr.  Juno  was  locked 
out  of  Concert  Hall,  was  instigated  by  the  interfering  of 
these  bloody  conspirators ;  it  having  been  the  work  of  Dea- 
con Kob  btew  ;  and  the  police  who  were  injured  could 
blame  no  one  but  these  vipers  and  their  co-conspirators, 
the  mayor  and  Yovmg  Men's  Association.  They  never 
tried  to  arrest,  or  even  accuse,  Dr.  Juno  for  causing  this 
riot ;  because  they  knew  too  well  where  their  bread  was 
buttered. 

Had  Dr.  Juno  been  arrested  for  causing  a  breach  of  the 
peace,  which  a  former  mayor  tried  his  best  to  bring  about 
on  several  occasions,  when  Dr.  Juno  preached  in  the 
theatre,  it  would  have  turned  in  favor  of  the  latter,  as 
there  were  too  many  fearless  witnesses  ready  to  expose  the 
dastardly  outrage  that  was  practised  by  those  who  claim  to 
be  tlie  city  fathers  and  guardians  of  the  inalienable  liber- 
ties of  men. 

There  are  times  in  the  affairs  of  human  events  when 
even  the  religious  bigots,  hoAvever  mighty  they  are,  cannot 
master  ever)i;hing,  and  we  prophesy  tliat  before  half  a 
century  is  gone  by,  these  Moody  conspirators  and  false  inter- 
preters of  the  Bible,  and  misrepresentatives  of  Jesus  Christ, 
God  and  Xature,  will  be  looked  upon  as  the  offscouring  of 
the  earth,  and  greatest  blasphemers  of  all  the  heathen  ages. 


THE  COXSPIKATOES   AND   LOVEES.  121 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

DOCTOR  JUNO  ARRESTED    IN    HIS   PULPIT    FOR  SELLING 
"obscene"  BOOKS. 


OCTOR  JUXO  was  too  wide  awake  to  take  to  the 
baits  which  the  bloody  conspirators  cast  before 
him.  He  was  not  a  law-breaker,  but  rather  a 
law-maker,  and  he  practised  what  he  preached, 
which  proved  a  perfect  safeguard  against  such  traps  as 
were  set  for  him  ;  and,  therefore,  the  only  possible  way  to 
imprison  or  kill  him  was  to  use  foul  means. 

Several  novel,  but  unsuccessful,  plans  were  instituted 
against  him.  The  conspirators  connived  with  several 
policemen  to  shoot  him  some  night,  as  it  were,  by  accident. 
The  following  was  the  designed  manner  of  making  all 
things  safe  and  sound  : 

Two  policemen  were  to  keep  an  eye  on  him,  and  when 
he  would  be  called  out  some  dark  night,  they  should  be 
pretending  to  be  tracking  a  thief,  and  just  as  he  leaves  his 
door,  they  should  fire  at  him  with  perfect  aim,  and  shoot 
him  dead  in  a  mistake  for  a  burglar,  which  would  remove 
Dr.  Juno,  and  acquit  the  policemen,  who  would  be  lauded 
for  tlieir  vigilance,  whilst  very  few  persons  would  regret 
the  accidental  death  of  Juno. 

Tlie  foregoing  was  the  plot  established  and  actually  car- 
ried out  by  Deacon  Rob  Stew  and  two  policemen.  These 
public  guardians  of  private  citizens  shot— as  stated— five 
bullets,  well  aimed,  one  night  at  Dr.  Juno,  as  he  was  called 
to  see  a  patient.  As  soon  as  he  left  his  door-step,  tliese 
policemen  fired,  and  continued  firing  at  him,  whilst  he 
took  to  running  in  the  direction  of  his  patient,  until  five 
shots  exhausted  their  ammunition  ;  but  they  failed  to 
touch  him. 

The  neighborhood  was  aroused,  and  when  the  report 
spread,  at  two  o'clock  in  the  night,  that  a  policeman  had 


122  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF   1900;   OR, 

shot  five  well  aimed  bullets  at  Dr.  Juno,  mistaking  him 
for  a  thief,  but  utterly  failing  to  hit  the  doctor,  all  sorts 
of  sentiments  were  then  and  there  expressed.  His  friends 
denounced  these  policemen,  whilst  his  enemies  abused 
them  for  being  such  poor  shots. 

One  officer  did  all  the  shooting,  and  he  told  Dr.  Juno 
himself,  afterwards,  that  he  took  special  aim  three  times, 
and  whilst  he  could  nine  times  out  of  ten  hit  a  ten-cent 
piece  at  thirty  paces,  he  had  been  within  ten  paces  of  Dr. 
Juno  when  he  stopped  to  aim.  This  was  a  miraculous 
escape.    The  officer  said  : 

"■  Doctor,  should  I  have  killed  you,  I  Avould  have  had  no 
trouble  to  be  acquitted,  because  I  was  sure  you  were  a 
thief  who  came  out  of  your  house." 

Again  Dr.  Juno  escaped  miraculously,  and  the  conspira- 
tors became  superstitious,  because  nothing  can  kill  this 
innovator.  He  was  repeatedly  annoyed  by  those  who 
I)roffered  their  advice ;  but  nothing  insulted  him  more 
than  to  have  any  one  suggest  how  he  should  act  or  what 
he  had  better  do.  Inducements  were  next  presented  to 
him  to  leave  the  city  ;  even  several  thousand  dollars  Avere 
offered  him  if  he  would  leave  the  place  for  a  year,  but  all 
such  movements  were  treated  with  disdain,  and  the  pro- 
pounder  felt  cheaper  than  ever  in  his  life.  Because  Dr. 
Juno  would  reply  to  all  such  propositions  : 

"  ISTo,  sir,  the  pharisees  of  Philadelphia  require  to  have 
one  fearless  and  competent  man  over  them,  who  can  ex- 
pose their  heinousness." 

It  may  be  seen  from  the  foregoing  history  of  the  antago- 
nistic parties,  that  neither  of  them  were  idle,  nor  did  grass 
grow  under  any  of  their  fe?t.  Each  was  determined  to 
conquer  or  die  ;  which  was  a  noble  determination  for  the 
side  which  had  riglit  to  back  it. 

The  religionists  liad  the  Zwcz-e,  position  and  seven-eighths 
majority,  which  gave  them  immense  power  and  influence ; 
whilst  the  single-handed  reformer— Dr.  Juno— stood  com- 
paratively alone,  and  his  only  power  rested  in  his  oratorical 


THE   CONSPIKATOES   AND   LOVERS.  123 

capacity,  and  tact  in  explaining  fixed  laws  ;  therefore  the 
public  rostrum  was  his  proper  sphere  to  cause  a  successful 
battle  with  his  opponents ;  he  consequently  searched  for 
another  large  public  hall,  of  central  location,  to  preach  in ; 
and,  as  luck  would  have  it,  an  old  German  theatre  had 
burned  down  some  months  prior,  which  was  rebuilt  by  a 
Jew,  and  at  this  time  this  new  establishment  was  just 
being  then  inaugurated,  and  Dr.  Juno  succeeded  in  leasing 
it  for  Sunday  evening  preaching.  As  soon  as  the  bloody 
conspirators  found  out  that  Dr.  Juno  had  rented  the  mag- 
nificent new  Theatrical  Hall,  in  Callowhill  near  Fifth 
street,  they  sent  a  committee  of  three  retired  gentlemen  to 
the  proprietor  of  this  hall  to  buy  him  off. 

They  addressed  him  as  follows  : 

"Mr.  S r,  we  have  learned  that  Dr.  Juno  has  leased 

your  magnificent  new  establishment  for  Sabbath  evening 
preacliing  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir,  he  has,"  said  the  proprietor. 

"  Do  you  not  suppose  that  if  you  permit  him  to  preach 
in  it,  that  it  will  ruin  the  reputation  of  your  place  ?  " 

"Xo,  sir,  I  do  not,"  sharply  replied  the  proprietor. 

"Well,  my  dear  friend,"  said  the  chairman  of  the  com- 
mittee, "may  be  you  do  not  know  the  odium  that  is  at- 
tached to  this  man." 

"Xo,  sir,  I  do  not,  and  I  don't  care  as  long  as  he  has 
paid  me  my  price  ;  and  so  long  as  he  continues  to  do  so,  I 
care  nothing  further  what  attaches  to  him,  or  to  you. 
"Who  are  you,  any  way  V  "  indignantly  exclaimed  the  pro- 
l)rietor. 

"  We  are  a  committee  of  Christians,  sent  by  the  Young 
Men's  Association,  to  consult  you  on  this  matter,"  said 
the  chairman. 

"Sir,  I  am  a  Jew,  not  a  Christian,  hence  I  spurn  your 
proposals!  Good  day,"  ejaculated  the  proprietor,  and 
walked  away.   This  ended  the  interference  in  that  quarter. 

Deacon  Rob  Stew's  course  was  now  resorted  to  ;  so  this 
committee  of  retired  (jentlevie^i  saints  called  upon  the  pious 


124  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

and  obliging  mayor,  and  told  his  honor  that  Dr.  Juno  had 
engaged  tlie  niagniiicent  new  hall  in  Callowhill  street,  and 
had  advertised  to  preach  there  the  following  Sabbath 
evening;  that  they  had  been  to  see  the  proprietor  to  jier- 
suade  hiiu  not  to  permit  Juno  to  speak  therein,  but  before 
tliey  could  finish  their  proposal,  he  told  them  sharply  that 
he  was  a  Jew,  and  that  Dr.  Juno  could  have  it  as  long  as 
he  paid  his  price  for  it ;  that  they  were  just  going  to  offer 
to  pay  the  said  price,  if  he  would  not  let  Juno  have  it, 
when  he  said  :  "  Good  day,"  and  walked  away. 

That  the  only  thing  now  left  for  them  to  do  was  for  the 
mayor  to  send  forthwith  one  of  his  detectives  to  Dr.  Juno's 
office,  to  buy  from  liim  a  copy  of  each  of  his  publications, 
as  he  published  and  sold  an  "Obscene  book,"  and  if  the 
mayor  would  have  a  warrant  issued,  after  having  said 
books,  and  direct  his  officers  to  retain  that  warrant  until 
Sabbath  evening,  just  before  Dr.  Jinio  would  commence  to 
preach,  they  should  arrest  him  and  lock  him  up  all 
night  in  a  cell  in  the  Central  Station,  giving  the  particu- 
lars to  the  newspai)ers,  which  would  cause  a  tumultuous 
hue  and  cry  the  following  morning,  which  would  turn  the 
entire  community  against  the  prisoner. 

Tlie  holy  mayor  coincided  with  this  plan,  and,  true  as 
preaching,  he  had  it  carried  out  to  the  letter,  and  Dr.  Juno 
was  cast  into  a  cold,  close  cell,  Avith  a  horse  thief. 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 

THE    INSANE  GENERAL,  ARMTNOTON   NEARLY  ^njRDERS 
THE  PHYSICIAN-IN-CIIIEF. 

T  will  bo  remembered  thnt  when  Deacon  Pioli 
Stew  last  visited  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  iu 
her  prison-house,  he  tormented  her  until  she 
fainted  dead  away,  w^hen  he  was  frightened,  for 

he  ieally  thought  lie  had  killed  her,  and,  although,  if  slie 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  125 

were  dead,  he  would  not  need  to  fear  anything  except 
Jemmy,  who  might  be  brought  some  day  from  his  cell  to 
testify  in  a  court  of  justice  ;  because  politics  change  men, 
and,  in  sooth,  men  themselves  are  cliangeable  ;  therefore, 
he  shuddered  at  the  idea  of  having  caused  Miss  Luciuda 
Armington's  death  !  The  deacon  at  once  went  to  the 
physician -in-chief  of  the  asylum,  and  told  him  that  he  had 
just  visited  Miss  Armington,  and  he  believed  that  she  was 
dead  I 

Although  the  physician-in-chief  was  in  rapport  with  the 
Moody  conspirators,  and  was  in  fact  a  member  of  the  bloody 
clique,  he  did  not  know  that  the  pious  deacon  had  ever 
loved  the  girl,  that  he  had  been  jilted  by  her,  or  that  he 
tortured  the  poor  creature,  whilst  he  made  his  frequent 
visits  to  her  cell.  The  physician-in-chief  rather  thouglit 
that  the  generous  deacon  was  kindly  inclined  toward  Miss 
Armington  ;  hence,  he  did  not  dream  of  anything  occurring 
through  his  (deacon's)  visits  that  was  disagreeable  to  the 
young  lady,  whom  the  physician-in-chief  was  inclined  to 
love,  respect,  and  treat  with  more  than  ordinary  kindness  ; 
because  she  was  the  daughter  of  his  old  friend  and  school- 
mate. General  Washington  Armington,  who  was  now 
really  insane  on  account  of  this  very  daughter  of  his. 

The  physician-in-chief  instantly  went  to  her  cell,  asking 
the  deacon  to  accompany  him,  but  he  excused  himself, 
fearing  she  might  not  be  dead,  and  might  cause  an  implea- 
sant  onslaught  on  his  deaconsliip  ;  and  when  the  doctor 
entered  her  cell  she  was  seated  on  her  chair,  looking  some- 
what stupefied,  but  seeming  rational  and  talkative. 

Miss  Armington  at  once  asked  him  : 

"  Doctor,  why  am  I  confined  in  this  place,  and  w^hy  do 
you  permit  Deacon  Kob  Stew  to  enter  my  prison-house  to 
insult  and  torture  me  ?  " 

"My  dear.  Miss  Armington,  I  hope  the  deacon  does  not 
treat  you  rudely.  Is  it  not  your  imagination  only,  that  he 
treats  you  badly  V  "  said  the  physician-in-cliief. 

"  Ko,  sir  ;  I  imagine  nothing  ;  but  know  of  what  I  speak. 


126  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

He  has  insulted  me  awfully,  and  one  time  he  came  to  me 
in  dis«;uise,  and  after  making  this  cell  dark,  ottered  the 
grossest  indignities,  until  he  so  enraged  me,  that  I  beat 
him  furiously,  which  may  have  seemed  insane  in  me  ;  but 
being  in  an  insane  asylum,  it  must  be  excusable  ;  because 
I  miglit  as  well  have  the  game  as  the  name.  This  place  is 
enough  to  make  one  crazy  ;  but  will  you  please  inform  me 
why  1  am  incarcerated  here  V"  exclaimed  Miss  Armington. 

"  My  poor  girl,  your  fatlier  ordered  you  to  be  placed  here 
for  your  own  good,  fearing  you  would  be  led  astray  by  that 
Dr.  Victor  Juno,  who  really  is  out  of  his  natural  senses, 
or  he  would  not  set  himself  against  all  the  usages  of  society. 
He  pitches  into  everything  and  everybody,  and  that  shows 
that  he  is  a  lunatic,  who  ought  to  be  confined  in  prison  or 
an  insane  institution  like  this.  He  will  sooner  or  later 
come  to  grief,  because  you  cannot  find  anybody  who  ap- 
proves of  his  course  of  action,"  said  the  doctor. 

"  Sir,  you  wrong  him  ;  he  is  a  scientific  man  and  sincere 
Christian,  with  a  most  benevolent  heart ;  and  you  said 
that  no  one  approves  of  his  course  of  actiou  ;  let  me  disa- 
buse your  mind  on  that  question — I  heartily  approve  of  all 
he  does,  and,  if  some  of  the  bigots,  who  claim  more  nicety 
than  they  possess  wisdom,  would  attend  to  their  own  busi- 
ness, and  let  him  alone,  he  would  make  many  sound  bodies 
and  expansive  minds,  who  would  become  members  of  the 
Cliristian  church. 

"  Yes,  sir  ;  he  is  in  the  right,  and  his  persecutors  know 
it,  and  the  peojjle,  whom  the  pharisees  dread,  also  know  it. 
The  latter  would  gladly  receive  the  natural  teachings  of 
Dr.  Jimo,  but  there  are  so  many  ignorant,  bigoted  and 
self-righteous  sinners  in  this  world,  who  are  envious,  self- 
ish and  jealous  of  a  man  wiio  is  so  far  their  superior', 
that  they  would  murder  him  for  being  wliat  he  cannot  help 
to  be,  namely,  a  genuine  benefactor  and  natural  Christ- 
ian," responded  Miss  Armington,  greatly  relieved. 

"You  are  quite  a  trumpeter  for  this  Dr.  Juno,"  rather 
sarcastically  said  the  doctor. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  127 

"  I  only  speak  the  holy  truth,  which  some  of  you  cannot 
appreciate,  nor  dare  you  maintain  it  like  my  noble  Victor," 
haughtily  she  exclaimed. 

"•  Indeed  !  I  think  your  actions  prove  you  to  be  as  insane 
as  he,  and  your  own  father  evidently  saw  that,  hence, 
placed  you  in  this  asylum,"  said  he. 

''Monster!  do  you  say  that  my  father  had  anything  to 
do  with  this  foul  act  ?  Never,  never  ;  but  I  fear  that  my 
poor  old  father,  and  probably  my  dear  Victor,  are  even 
now  both  incarcerated  not  far  from  here.  You  start ! 
You  know  it,  then,  to  be  a  fact !  O,  fiend  !  you  also  belong 
to  those  bloody  conspirator's  !  "  she  said,  in  agony. 

"Miss  Armington,  you  insult  me,  and  I  now  see  why 
the  deacon  has  been  pronounced  cruel  and  insulting  by 
you.  You  first  insulted  him  as  you  do  me,"  responded  the 
doctor. 

"Am  I  not  your  prisoner  ;  your  slave  ?  Let  me  have  my 
freedom,  and  you  may  offer  me  any  insult  you  choose,  and 
I  will  not  retaliate  ;  but  to  be  thus  innocently  confined  in 
a  mad-house,  whose  inner  walls  are  polluted  by  men  of 
seared  minds  and  blackened  hearts,  is  more  than  mortal 
can  bear  without  expressing  the  scorn  and  loathing  that 
prompts  the  tongue  of  its  victim  to  speed,"  ejaculated 
Miss  Armington. 

"  You,  then,  are  of  the  opinion  that  we  try  to  abuse  and 
insult  you,  which  certainly  is  not  the  case.  As  for  Deacon 
Rob  Stew,  T  cannot  speak  ;  but  I  assure  you,  that,  with  my 
consent,  neither  he  nor  any  one  else  shall  abuse  or  insult 
you,  and  I  would  like  you  to  feel  more  pleasantly  toward 
me  than  you  have  expressed  in  your  remarks,"  said  the 
doctor, 

"I  will  think  over  the  matter,"  she  said,  in  a  mood  that 
was  indicative  of  deep  thought. 

The  physieian-in-chief  bade  her  good-day,  and  left  the 
unhappy  prisoner,  thinking  about  Deacon  Bob  Stew  : 

"What  could  he  mean  by  abusing  the  dear,  beautiful 
girl  V    Why  should  he  visit  her  in  disguise,  and  darken  the 


128  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

cell  ?  I  am  suspicious,  and  shall  keep  my  eye  on  his  saint- 
ship.  After  all,  these  pious  deacons  have  their  failings 
and  passions  like  other  men  ;  but  he  shall  not  insult  her 
any  more.  Slie  is  beautiful,  and  if  I  were  not  a  married 
man,  I  should  be  tempted  myself  to  make  love  to  her,  and 
undoubtedly  this  is  what  the  deacon  did,  when  she  refused 
his  overtures  and  spoke  lovingly  of  Dr.  Juno.  Confound  it, 
I  love  the  darling  little  minx  myself,  married  or  not,  and 
it  is  a  great  temptation  to  have  her  thus  in  one's  power; 
at  any  rate,  I  shall  not  allow'  the  old  deacon  to  insult  her 
any  more.    I  shall  visit  her  soon  again.'' 

The  physician-in-chief  called  on  General  Washington 
Armington,  to  ascertain  if  he  was  comfortable  in  his 
apartment,  and  learn,  also,  if  he  had  any  symptoms  of 
sanity.  lie  found  the  general  perfectly  ci'azy,  talking 
continually  about  his  abducted  daughter,  and  fairly  raved 
over  the  outrage  of  slandering  Victor  Juno.    He  said  : 

"  Yes,  these  devils  wear  the  livery  of  heaven  to  serve 
the  devil ;  they  have  abducted  Victor  Juno  and  my  beloved 
daughter,  and  now  they  ravish  them  both  in  their  dun- 
geons. Heaven  above  me,  protect  them !  save  them ! 
Away,  you  murdering  hypocrites  !  You  shut  up  the  king- 
dom of  heaven  against  men,  for  you  neither  go  in,  nor  per- 
mit others  to  enter  tlierein  !  I  see  the  beginning  of  your 
heinous  end,  and  won't  I  laugh  at  your  calamity  when  the 
tables  have  turned  !    Ha  !  ha  ! !  ha  ! ! !  " 

Just  then  the  crazy  general  took  notice  for  the  first  time 
that  some  one  was  with  him,  when  he  cried  out : 

"Ha-a-a!  you  are  one  of  them,"  and  sprang  upon  the 
doctor  like  an  infuriated  fiend. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  129 

CHAPTER  XXX. 

HARKY  GOSSIMER  CONDEMNED  TO  DEATH. 

|HE  bloody  conspirators  found  Brother  Harry  Gos- 
simer  guilty  of  internal  rebellion,  perjury  and 
threatened  exposure ;  they  therefore  sentenced 
him  to  death.  Wliilst  the  prisoner  was  confined  in 
the  dungeon,  unlike  open  courts,  they  convened  a  court  mar- 
tial, and  in  his  absence  tried  him  without  any  defence, 
because  he  as  good  as  pleaded  guilty  to  all  the  charges,  by 
his  bold  words  to  the  brotherhood ;  and  the  principal 
speech  that  was  made  Deacon  Rob  Stew  delivered.  He 
said : 

"  Brothers  and  sisters  of  the  saci-edly  secret  conclave,  I 
am  grieved  at  heart,  as  you  may  well  know,  that  I  am  com- 
pelled to  call  upon  you  to  pronounce  a  unanimous  verdict 
upon  our  apostate  brother,  Harry  Gossimer,  wlio  had  the 
reckless  audacity  to  defy  us,  and  threatened  to  leave  the 
brotherhood,  after  he  voluntarily  took  our  solemn  oath  ; 
and  I  consider  it  a  most  dangerous  thing  to  permit  any 
member  to  faint  and  flag  after  he  or  she  has  remained 
at  our  special  meetings,  and  has  listened  to  all  our  holy 
work.  I  therefore  propose  to  act  quickly,  and,  without 
prevarication,  convict,  sentence  and  execute  the  sentence 
fortliwith,  of  Harry  Gossimer,  for  the  wavering  disposition 
he  has  exliibited  a  few  minutes  since  before  us  all.  If  we 
do  not  act  summarily  in  such  cases,  we  shall  ere  long  find 
the  rope  around  oiu"  own  necks  !  " — 

"  I  do  not  fancy  that,"  interrupted  Rev.  Joe  Pier,  "  and 
therefore  I  hope  to  see  this  case  instantly  and  permanently 
disposed  of ;  because,  I  shake  in  my  boots  when  I  think 
of  the  responsible  work  of  piety  we  are  compelled  to 
perform." 

"  I  say,"  continued  tlie  deacon,  "  that  our  only  salvation, 
individually  and  collectively,  mark  you,  lies  in  visiting  the 
9 


130  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900  ;    OR, 

penalty  of  death  upon  ^ach  and  every  one  who  falters  in 
the  performance  of  duty.  Instead  of  Brother  Gossimer 
standing  up  in  our  sacred  hall,  and  saying  :  '  I  am  not  wil- 
ling to  co-operate  with  you  in  tlie  fulhlment  of  this  nefari- 
ous work,'  he  ouglit  to  have  encouraged  the  brotherhood 
to  go  on,  and  if  he  did  not  wish  to  act  in  his  capacity  of 
an  active  member,  should  not  have  joined  us. 

"  He  is  a  chicken-hearted  scoundrel,  or  a  faithless  and 
unprincipled  dog,  who  shall  not  be  allowed  to  bark  and 
bite  us,  if  I  know  what  I  am  about.  Brethren,  our  holy 
cause  demands,  especially  at  this  auspicious  moment,  most 
vigorous  unanimous  action  ;  because  we  have  our  hands 
full.  Look,  for  instance,  there  is  Dr.  Juno  preaching  pub- 
licly and  privately  in  his  own  hall,  and  he  shortly  hopes  to 
address  immense  crowds  again  down  in  the  centre  of  the 
city  ;  again,  there  is  Miss  Armington,  who  is  as  rebellious 
as  the  devil  could  make  her,  and  although  she  is  incar- 
cerated where  she  cannot  harm  us  now,  yet  I  fear,  unless 
vigorous  action  is  had  in  her  case,  she  may  do  a  deal  of 
injury  sooner  or  later  to  our  sainthood  ;  moreover,  all  the 
pious  denominations  and  wordlings  must  be  watched  and 
kept  blindfolded,  which,  when  we  cast  only  a  cursory 
glance  at  the  immense  work  before  us,  we  may  see  tlie  ne- 
cessity of  being  a  unit  inside  of  our  secret  conclave. 
Brothers,  are  you  therefore  ready  to  cast  a  unanimous  vote 
in  favor  of  despatching  Harry  Gossimer  this  very  night 
before  we  adjourn  V  " 

"  I  rise  to  ask  our  loyal  and  enei'getic  deacon  a  question, 
if  he  will  permit  me  to  do  so  V  "  said  Dr.  Toy  Fancy. 

"  Certahily,  Brother  Fancy,  go  on,"  responded  the 
deacon. 

"Do  you  think,  dear  brother,  that  it  would  be  wise  to 
execute  Brother  Gossimer,  who  evidently  thought  that  as 
long  as  we  are  all  sworn  to  perfect  secresy,  he  could  speak 
out  his  heartfelt  sentiments  ?  I  know  the  brother  thor- 
oughly ;  he  is  an  exem])lary  man  ;  noble,  liberal  and  ener- 
getic.   I  wish  to  ask  the  brotherhood,  witli  the  permission 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND   LOVERS^  131 

of  our  worthy  deacon,  whether  it  would  not  be  better  to 
be  lenient,  and  permit  Brother  Gossimer  to  make  a  de- 
fence ;  at  least,  let  him  make  a  speech  before  this  court 
martial  V" 

"I  object  to  it,"  interrupted  Deacon  Eob  Stew,  "for  if 
we  are  to  be  as  lenient  and  slow  to  act  as  Brother  Toy 
Fancy  proposes,  we  might  as  well  already  consider  our 
saintly  work  stopped,  and  run  the  risk  of  being  mobbed  by 
the  advocates  and  followers  of  Dr.  Juno.  I  say,  brothers 
and  sisters,  we  cannot  entertain  such  propositions,  and  I 
now  call  for  the  unanimous  vote  of  the  conclave  to  a  ver- 
dict of  death  in  the  case  of  the  defendant,"  said  the  deacon, 
terribly  agitated  and  ready  for  a  fight  to  the  hilt  with  any 
one  who  would  dissent  from  his  views. 

The  physieian-in-chief  of  the  insane  asylum  now*rose 
to  the  floor,  and  asked  permission  to  say  a  few  words.  He 
said  : 

"  Mr.  President  and  holy  saints,  I  claim  to  be  a  faithful 
laborer  in  the  common  cause  which  we  espouse  ;  but,  as  a 
Christian,  I  cannot  join  in  a  work  that  sends  a  man,  who 
may  differ  from  me,  so  summarily  into  the  presence  of  his 
Maker.  Brother  Stew  is  an  enthusiast,  and  although  a 
noble  and  zealous  worker,  who  has  more  influence  than 
any  dozen  of  our  best  men  combined,  we  should  remember 
that  he  can  err  as  well  as  other  men,  and  therefore  he 
should  take  the  counsel  of  some  who  are  as  old  and  faith- 
ful to  our  cause  as  he  " — 

"Silence!"  ejaculated  the  deacon.  "You  are  an  old 
drone ;  you  are  not  now  dealing  with  a  lot  of  lunatics,  who 
are  compelled  to  obey  your  mandates,  or  even  regard  your 
charitable  (?)  advice.  If  our  lenient  doctor-in-chief  wili 
point  out  one  act  of  mine  that  was  uncharitable  toward 
any  one  of  our  cause,  or  that  what  I  did  proved  an  injury 
to  any  good  member  of  the  faith,  whether  in  active  service 
in  the  secret  conclave  or  not,  I  will  yield  to  him  " — 

"I'll  take  you  at  j'our  word,"  exclaimed  the  physician- 
in-chief.     "Have   you  not  acted   in  an  'uncharitable' 


132  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

manner  toward  our  misled,  but  faithful  sister,  Lucinda 
Armington,  not  a  year  since,  in  our  asylum  ;  moreover,  a 
word  to  the  wise  will  suffice  V  " 

"  Curse  your  trifling,  and  may  the  marrow  in  your 
stereotyped  bones  rot,  for  intruding  into  the  private  work- 
ings of  this  conclave  !  AVliat  under  the  sun  has  the  busi- 
ness of  the  insane  asylum  to  do  with  this  apostate  V  Mr. 
President !  I  emphatically  say  (in  a  mood  that  means  work 
or  death) — Mr.  President !  I  command  you  to  order  all  dis- 
senting harangues  as  being  irrelevant  to  the  subject  in 
consideration !  I  demand  this  under  the  penalty  of  our 
solemn  oath  ;  and  I  add,  '  if  yoxir  beating  heart '  is  not  to 
be  torn  out  by  its  roots  forthwith,  you  will  heed  my  admo- 
nition and  act  determinedly !    I  say,  speak !  " 

"  Te-s,  I — I — I  agree  with  Brother  Stew,  an — and  rule 
that  all  that  has  been  said,  by  those  who  differ  with  our 
worthy  deacon,  is  irrelevant  to  the  subject  under  consider- 
ation, and  this  I  order  under  the  penalty  of  having  the 
heating  lieaH  of  each  disputant  torn  out  by  its  roots  !  So 
help  us  God  !"  stammeringly  responded  Kev.  Joe  Pier. 

Xancy  Clover  now  jumped  to  the  floor,  as  if  she  meant 
mischief,  and  said : 

"  Brothers,  I  have  listened  patiently,  and  I  see  that  un- 
less you  have  a  determined  principle  to  be  governed  bj'-, 
you  won't  agree  to  advantage.  Now,  I  am  not  a  woman 
of  words,  nor  do  I  stand  with  folded  hands  to  see  those 
who  ought  to  have  one  object  in  view,  namely,  the  subju- 
gation of  innovators  and  advancement  of  the  cause  of  the 
elect,  quarrel,  bicker  and  bite  each  other,  without  trying 
to  stop  them  in  their  mad  career.  Is  not  our  cause  just  V 
;fc  its  prosperity  not  a  mutual  benefit  V  Why,  then,  fight 
over  trifles,  like  schoolboys  V 

"I  say,  do  as  Brother  Bob  Stew  says,  even  if  it  goes 
against  your  beautiful,  tender  feelings,  else  you  may  be 
compelled  to  take  what  will  be  ten  thousand  times  worse  ! 
Do  you  understand  me  ?  Act  in  unison,  and  dispatch  this 
apostate,  who  undoubtedly  would  betray  us,  especially 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AXD   LOVERS.  133 

since  you  have  beaten  and  thrown  him  into  our  nasty 
dungeon." 

Sister  Clover's  neat  little  speech  made  the  members  a 
unit,  and  immediately  Harry  Gossimer  was  condemned  to 
die. 


CHAPTEK  XXXI. 

HARRY  GOSSrVIER'S  HEROIC  AND  THRILLING  SPEECH 
BEFORE  THEY  DROWN  HIM. 

|HE  President,  Kev.  Joe.  Pier,  ordered  the  sentinel 
to  bring  the  prisoner — Harry  Gossimer — before 
him,  that  he  may  receive  his  sentence,  wliich 
was  death  ;  however,  with  his  choice  of  hanging 
or  dro'wning. 
"  The  president  then  addressed  him  as  follows  : 

"  Harry  Gossimer,  the  brothers  and  sisters  have  con- 
vened themselves  into  a  court  martial,  and  have  found  you 
guilty  of  violating  the  solemn  oath  of  our  secret  conclave, 
and  you  must  know  that  the  penalty  is  death ;  but  the 
court  unanimously  agreed  that  you  should  not  be  treated 
to  the  full  punishment  as  avowed  in  our  solemn  oath,  but 
that  you  may  choose  betAveen  hanging  and  drowning. 
This  favor  was  granted  you  because  you  have  not  done  any 
mischief  as  yet,  otherwise,  you  would  have  had  your  '  left 
hand  burned  into  cinders  ;  your  rirjht  hand  cut  into  fragments^ 
and  your  beating  heart  torn  out  by  its  roots.'' 

"  I  am  sorroAA-ful  and  heavily  grieved  at  this  terrible 
state  of  affairs,  but  there  is  no  appeal  from  this  tribunal ; 
therefore,  if  you  have  anything  to  say,  now  is  your  time." 
The  distressed  and  horror-stricken  Harry  Gossimer  rose 
to  his  feet  and  said,  in  a  tremulous  voice  : 

"I  suppose  I  have  deserved  some  punishment,  but  this  I 
did  not  expect,  nor  do  I  merit  it ;  still,  as  tliere  can  be  no 
appeal  from  this  august  and  holy  tribunal,  I  hope  God  will 
pardon  you  for  this  dastardly  crime  !    I  hope  I  am  not  in- 

12 


134  THE   SOCIAL   WAPw   OF    1900;    OR, 

truding  nor  violating  any  more  sacred  pledges,  so  that 
your  noble  deacon  might  have  this  humane  sentence  re- 
voked, and  re-commit  me  for  trial,  and  then  give  me  the 
full  blast  of  the  terrible  and  accursed  oath  that  I  was  com- 
pelled to  take," — 

''Go  on,  noble  apostate,"  interrupted  the  deacon,  "we 
care  little  what  you  say  to  us,  so  long  as  you  die  before  you 
can  divulge  any  of  our  secret  plans." 

"  May  I  then  say  what  I  choose,  without  having  my  ver- 
dict changed  V  "  asked  the  convict. 

"Yes,  sir,"  responded  the  Rev.  Joe  Pier. 

"Hear  me,  then,"  said  the  prisoner.  "I  have  always 
despised  hypocrites  and  pharisees,  and  believed  that  they 
were  the  most  blasphemous  wretches  living, — thus  agree- 
ing with  Jesus  Christ, — but  I  did  not  think  that  such  a 
bloody,  villanous,  accursed  set  of  vipers  could  breathe  the 
breath  of  life  who  were  one  tithe  as  wicked  as  the  elated 
Deacon  Rob  Stew,  Sister  Nancy  Clover  and  the  dastardly 
Rev.  Joe  Pier  ;  a  trinity  that  outvies  the  blackest  imps  of 
the  infernal  regions  ! 

"  When  such  perfidious  monsters  can  rule  a  nation,  then 
is  doomsday  near  at  hand  ;  and  I  can  die  happy  when  I  re- 
flect upon  the  heinous  crime  I  have  committed  when  I 
became  a  member  of  this  sacredly  secret  conclave  !  So 
sacred  (V)  as  to  prefer  to  murder  an  innocent  person  in 
cold  blood,  than  that  a  noble  hero,  like  Dr.  Victor  Juno, 
should  be  permitted  to  succeed  in  the  amelioration  and 
elevation  of  the  human  race,  which  could  not  harm  any 
one  except  those  who  are  a  scab  upon  society,  and  a  pes- 
tiferous stench  in  the  presence  of  God  and  man. 

"If  you,  or  your  likes,  go  to  heaven,  I  want  to  go  to 
hell ;  because,  the  very  sight  of  such  loathsome  vermin 
would  destroy  my  happiness,  and  turn  the  realms  of  the 
blessed  into  regions  of  despair  !  You  all  have  my  keenest 
contempt,  and  I  am  now  ready  to  be  sentenced  to  be 
drowned  at  once,  or  later,  if  it  suits  your  despicable  natures 
better !    Farewell,  until  we  meet  again,  for  we  shall  at  a 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND   LOVERS.  135 

future  hour  see  the  glory  of  God  by  observing  retribution 
visiting  your  worthless  souls ! " 

Preparations  were  now  being  made  to  drown  the  apos- 
tate in  the  depth  of  the  sea.  He  was  gagged  securely,  and 
tightly  bound  by  cords,  so  that  it  was  utterly  impossible 
to  be  relieved ;  then  he  was  put  into  a  large  salt  sack,  in 
the  bottom  of  which  iron  weights  were  placed ;  and  this 
done,  he  was  nailed  up  in  a  dry-goods  box  and  instantly 
carried  to  the  Delaware  river  in  Deacon  Eob  Stew's 
charity  wagon,  which  everybody  almost  knew,  and  when 
the  same  reached  the  wharf,  the  box  was  at  once  placed 
upon  a  speedy  little  schooner  and  carried  to  the  ocean, 
where  the  box  was  quickly  opened,  and  the  salt  sack  with 
its  iron  and  human  weiglit  dropped  quietly  overboard, 
which  sank  like  lead  ! 

Thus  was  the  sentence  executed,  and  the  sharks  or 
worms  of  the  briny  deep  would  feast  their  carnivorous 
natures  upon  the  carcass  of  Harry  Gossimer,  the  apostate  1 

The  schooner  immediately  set  sail  for  its  own  harbor, 
and  the  faithful  sentinel  rejoiced  with  six  brethren  and 
one  sister  of  the  sacredly  secret  conclave ;  but  they  did  not 
dream  that  a  wakeful  Irishman  was  watching  the  pro- 
ceedings regularly  at  Tabernacle  Hall,  and  when  the  dea- 
con's charity  wagon  was  being  rapidly  driven  toward  the 
wharf,  Pat  O 'Conner  snielled  a  mouse ;  he  therefore  ran 
in  the  rear  of  the  wagon,  and  when  he  saw  them  remove 
the  box  to  the  schooner,  he  at  once  went  to  a  friend  who 
lived  in  a  shanty  about  ten  squares  down  the  Delaware 
wharf,  who  made  his  living  by  boating,  and,  as  good  luck 
would  have  it,  the  boatman  was  just  about  anchoring  his 
fastest  row  boat.    Pat  O 'Conner  said  to  him  : 

"  Patrick,  kin  I  git  ye  to  hire  me  yer  best  and  fastest  row 
boat,  what  one  man  kin  row  V  " 

"  Yis,  sir  ;  why,  Pat  O'Conner,  is  that  you  ?  "  responded 
the  boatman. 

"An'  to-be-shure  it  be  meself  awantin'  to  do  a  leetle 
night  work  fur  meself,"  said  Pat. 


136  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

He  forthwith  jumped  into  the  row  boat,  and,  sure  as 
fate,  there,  just  a  little  ahead  of  him,  sailed  the  well  known 
pious  vessel,  making  good  speed  toward  the  sea. 

"We-11,"  mumbled  Pat  O'Conner  to  himself,  as  he 
pulled  his  oars  with  ease,  "I'll  be  atter  ye  blooddee  cur- 
mudgon,  an'  see  what  ye  air  adoin'  on  the  river  this  time 
o 'night." 

Pat  O'Conner  had  no  trouble  to  roAV  as  fast  as  the 
schooner  sailed,  and  as  the  night  was  rather  dark,  there 
was  no  danger  of  him  being  seen  after  they  had  gone  be- 
yond the  reach  of  the  city  lights ;  he  therefore  crept  near 
to  the  schooner,  w\atching  it  closely,  for  fear  it  might  stop 
suddenly,  when  he  might  be  detected.  The  ocean  Avas 
tame,  and  therefore  all  things  favored  Pat.  "Wlien  the 
schooner  liad  passed  about  a  quarter  of  a  mile  from  the 
mouth  of  the  river,  it  stopped,  so  did  Pat  O'Conner's  boat ; 
and  after  turning  something  overboard,  the  schooner 
sailed  off,  and,  making  a  circle,  steered  homeward  ;  but 
Pat  did  not  sail  off,  nor  steer  homeward  just  then  ;  but  he 
went  as  near  to  the  spot  as  he  could  where  the  salt  sack, 
filled  with  iron  and  llesh,  was  thrown  into  the  ocean  ;  and, 
as  fate  would  have  it,  Harry  Gossimer  got  one  of  his  hands 
at  liberty  before  they  reached  the  wharf,  and  he  managed 
with  it  to  get  his  knife  out  of  his  pocket ;  however,  he  was 
so  tightly  packed  into  the  box  tliat  he  could  not  open  the 
blade  until  he  was  removed  from  the  same  ;  when  tlius 
liberated,  he  instantly  opened  the  knife  with  his  teeth  of 
tlie  lower  jaw,  and  by  the  time  he  sank  a  few  feet,  he  had 
his  rope  and  salt  sack  cut  to  pieces,  which  gave  him  the 
nse  of  his  two  hands,  whilst  his  feet  were  bound  until  Pat 
O'Conner  reached  forth  and  drew  him  into  his  row  boat. 


THE    COXSPIRATOES    AND    LOVERS.  137 


CHAPTER  XXXri. 

DR.    JUNO    CONVICTED,   IMPRISONED  AND  ATTEMPTS 
MADE  TO  POISON  HIM. 

lOCTOR  VICTOR  JUNO  was  compelled  to  spend 
that  Sunday  night  in  the  lilthy,  cold  cell,  with 
the  horse  thief,  where  he  took  an  awful  cold ; 
but  at  nine  o'clock  Monday  morning  he  was 
brought  before  the  presiding  magistrate,  although  he 
waived  a  hearing  and  entered  bail  in  two  thousand  dollars 
to  appear  at  the  Court  of  Sessions.  In  six  days  he  was 
arraigned  and  tried  before  the  pious  Judge  Sanctiblower, 
■who  conspired  with  the  sanctimonious  District  Attorney 
Charlson,  to  rule  out  all  the  evidence  that  Dr.  Juno  might 
produce. 

The  district  attorney  argued  that  all  the  evidence  that 
could  be  relevant  was  for  the  Commonwealth  to  prove  that 
this  book  on  the  ''Physiology  of  Marriage"  had  been 
bought  from  Dr.  Juno,  and  the  book  itself  was  to  be  given 
to  the  jury— which  was  composed  of  picked  ringleaders 
from  the  saintly  crowd— and  the  jurymen  alone,  unaided 
by  experts,  or  law,  or  anything  else,  should  decide  if  it 
were  an  obscene  book  or  not. 

Dr.  Juno  had  twenty  experts  in  court ;  eight  of  these 
twenty  eminent  physicians  were  professors  of  medical  col- 
leges ;  he  also  had  over  two  hundred  additional  witnesses 
in  court.  By  the  former  he  wished  to  prove  the  scientific 
correctness  of  the  book,  and  show  by  the  latter  that  the 
book  had  benefited  tliem  in  various  Avnys  ;  but  the  district 
attorney  objected  to  hearing  any  of  Dr.  Juno's  Avitnesses 
except  for  purity  of  character,  which  was  proved  beyond  a 
doubt,  and  the  august  Judge  Sanctiblower  ruled  to  suit  the 
district  attorney. 

The  counsel  for  tlie  defence  produced  the  following  law 
points,  but  his  honor  dodged  them  all,  and  gave  instead 
his  own  opinion,  viz  : 


138  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"  If  the  jury  believe  the  defendant  have  in  view  the 
benefit  of  society — however  wrong  tlie  ideas  or  objection- 
jible  the  language — there  is  no  malice,  and  he  should  be 
acquitted." 

Again,  "  If  the  design  of  the  book  was  to  benefit  society, 
it  does  not  show  malice  to  take  iueasures  to  extend  its  cir- 
culation." 

Again,  "  If  the  production  was  honestly  meant  to  inform 
the  public  mind,  and  warn  them  against  supposed  dangers 
in  society — though  the  subject  may  have  been  treated 
erroneously — then,  however  the  judgment  of  the  jury  may 
incline  them  to  think  individually,  they  should  acquit  the 
defendant.  If  the  jury  doubt  of  the  criminal  intention, 
then,  also,  the  law  pronounces  that  he  should  be  ac- 
quitted." 

The  few  -witnesses  who  were  permitted  to  testify  to  the 
excellent  character  of  Dr.  Juno,  shrewdly  worked  in  that 
the  book  in  question  had  benefited  them  mry  much ;  and 
when  such  evidence  slipped  in  before  it  could  be  stopped 
by  the  district  attorney,  the  old  pious  Judge  Sanctiblower 
would  yell  out : 

"  That  is  purely  a  question  for  the  jury  to  decide." 

The  counsel  for  Dr.  Juno  then  quoted  the,  following  law 
points : 

"  In  a  criminal  prosecution  for  a  libel,  the  defendant  may 
r^pel  tlie  charge  by  proving  that  the  publication  was  for  a 
justifiable  purpose,  and  not  malicious,  nor  with  the  inten- 
tion to  defame  any  man.  And  there  may  be  many  cases 
where  the  defendant,  having  proved  the  purpose  justifiable, 
may  give  in  evidence  the  truth  of  the  words,  when  such 
evidence  Avill  tend  to  negative  the  malice  and  intent  to 
defame." — Commonwealth  vs.  Clapp^AMa»».  163. 

Again,  the  Supreme  Court  of  the  United  States  decided 
that :  "  Whenever  the  author  or  publisher  of  the  alleged 
slander  acted  in  the  boi\a  fide  discharge  of  a  public  or  pri- 
vate duty,  legal  or  moral,  such  communication  is  privi- 
leged."—F/^^■<e  a7id  NicIioUs,  3  Howard,  267. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  139 

Again,  "As  the  offence  of  publishing  a  libel  consists  in 
the  malicious  publication  of  it,  which,  as  already  stated,  is 
in  general  inferred  from  the  words  of  the  alleged  libel  itself, 
it  is  competent  to  the  defendant,  in  all  cases,  to  show  the 
absence  of  malice  on  his  part." — Boscoe's  Criminal  Evi- 
dence, 528. 

To  all  this,  and  much  more  equally  strong  law  points, 
Judge  Sanctiblower  paid  no  attention  at  all ;  because  he 
told  the  Young  Men's  Association  previously  to  bring  Dr. 
Juno  into  the  Court  of  Sessions  and  he  would  "fix  him." 

The  jui*y  obeyed  the  judge  and  district  attorney,  and  of 
course  convicted  Dr.  Juno,  in  spite  of  law,  evidence  and 
their  oaths  to  decide  according  to  law  and  evidence.  The 
judge  then  sentenced  him  to  the  full  extent  of  the  law  for 
publishing  an  "  obscene  libel,"  which  was  one  year  in  the 
County  Prison  and  five  hundred  dollars  fine. 

He  was  at  once  closely  confined  in  a  felon's  cell,  but  the 
Governor  of  the  Commonwealth  was  a  man  of  honor,  and 
when  a  friend  of  Dr.  Juno  called  upon  his  excellency  with 
a  copy  of  the  book  on  the  "Physiology  of  Marriage,"  and 
also  a  copy  of  the  fully  printed  trial,  the  Governor  at  once 
pardoned  and  even  exonerated  Dr.  Juno,  which  set  him 
free  after  having  served  four  months  of  his  time. 

Whilst  Dr.  Juno  was  incarcerated,  the  newspaper  oracle 
of  the  bloody  conspirators  libeled  him  awfully ;  also  the 
minor  daily  newspapers  howled  dreadfully,  seeing  a  chance 
now  to  gain  some  note  at  the  expense  of  Dr.  Juno.  They 
called  him  everything  but  decent  names.  Had  he  been  a 
sot,  wMff,  brawler,  glutton,  miser,  gambler,  liar,  politician, 
hypocrite,  pharisee,  viper  or  cut-throat,  he  would  have 
been  a  decent  man  compared  with  the  character  the  public 
press  of  Philadelphia  gave  this  martyred  man. 

And  when  Governor  Golden  pardoned  him,  the  holy 
saints  and  newspaiier  scribes  were  over-awed,  horrified 
and  amazf^d,  for  they  believed  that  there  was  no  power  on 
earth  that  could  induce  the  Governor  to  pardon  him. 

The  bloody  clique  went  repeatedly  to  the  Executive  and 


140  THE   SOCIAL   AVAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

requested  liim  not  to  pardon  Dr.  Juno  for  the  life  of  him. 
lie  himself  t(5ld  the  person  to  whom  he  gave  said  pardon, 
that  the  prejudice  against  Dr.  Juno  Avas  immense,  which 
he  could  not  understand,  and  the  Governor  said  : 

"  If  there  was  not  so  much  prejudice  against  the  man,  I 
would  not  pardon  him,  for  prejudice  is  the  child  of  euA-y, 
and  not  of  crime." 

Dr.  Juno  was  not  in  prison  a  week  imtil  the  bloody 
clique  sent  their  friends,  who  belong  to  the  prison  society, 
to  visit  him  in  his  cell,  and  they  appeared  very  kind,  giving 
him  apples,  tigs,  cakes,  etc, ;  the  doctor  did  not  trust 
these  nice  people,  he  therefore  placed  these  articles  aside 
for  inspection,  and,  upon  examination,  he  discovered 
arsenic  piled  snugly  inside  of  a  lot  of  figs  ;  but  the  person 
who  prepared  them  was  not  an  expert,  or,  instead  of 
having  inserted  the  raw  powdered  arsenic  into  the  figs,  he 
would  have  steeped  them  in  a  solution  of  the  poison. 

They  again  failed  to  murder  him,  and  as  soon  as  he  told 
the  prison  keepers  and  inspectors  that  an  attempt  was 
made  to  poison  him,  they  got  very  indignant  and  locked 
him  up  as  tight  as  wax,  and  treated  him  awfiUly  mean, 
which  proved  that  at  least  some  of  them  belonged  to  the 
bloody  clique. 

Dr.  Juno  soliloquized  as  follows  : 

"  I  cannot  see  why  these  people  should  be  so  determined 
to  murder  me  ;  I  have  never  done  anything  that  would  in- 
jure or  demoralize  them  or  their  children.  If  I  had  kept  a 
bawdy  house,  rum  shop,  gambling  room,  low  concert 
saloon,  political  swindling  house,  or  followed  the  thou- 
sand-and-one  injurious,  criminal  and  fashionable  pursuits 
extant,  I  would  have  been  esteemed  as  a  good  fellow  ;  but, 
as  I  have  opposed  all  these,  and  other  unhealtliy  and  un- 
j)hysiological  customs,  and  have  proved,  by  the  religion 
that  Jesus  Christ  establislied,  that  my  course  was  scientific 
and  right,  they  have  given  me  a  mock  trial  in  open  court, 
and  in  the  face  of  a  republican  country  have  cast  me  into 
this  prison  for  serving  God,  Nature  and  Mankind.    God 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  141 

forgive  these  degraded,  wicked  wretches,  for  really  they 
know  not  what  they  are  doing." 

When  Dr.  Juno  was  pardoned,  he  at  once  returned  to 
his  old  work  of  lecturing,  preaching  and  practising  his 
profession,  and,  to  his  astonishment,  he  did  more  business 
and  had  more  intelligent  audiences  than  he  ever  had 
before  ;  this  was  a  consolation  to  him,  but  a  terrible  disap- 
pointment to  the  saintly  crowd,  who  now  instituted  more 
and  worse  i)lans  of  operation.  And  whilst  Dr.  Juno  pur- 
sued the  even  tenor  of  his  course,  as  if  nothing  had  ever 
happened  to  him,  the  conspirators,  in  one  combined  effort, 
appealed  to  the  State  Legislature  to  pass  a  law  which 
would  suppress  religious  liberty,  and  which  movement 
broke  their  camel's  back. 


CHAPTER  XXXIII. 

DOCTOP  JUNO'S  FIRST  SHAllP-SIIOOTING  SERMON  ON 
MINISTERS  AND  DOCTORS. 

(Note.  If  the  reader  wants  to  fully  understand  the  plot  of  this 
story,  he  must  carefully  peruse  ecery  discourse  by  Dr.  Juno, 
or,  tcJien  he  arrives  at  the  most  interesting  part  of  it,  Jie  can- 
not comprehend  what  made  him  tlie  hero  of  our  story.  The 
following  discourse  was  delivered  in  his  own  hall,  to  a  crowded 
house,  immediately  after  his  pardon.  This  is  not  fiction. — 
S.  M.  L.) 

ELOYED  FRIEXDS  :— We  live  in  a  progressive 
age— everything  around  us  moves  and  appears 
to  keep  pace  with  time,  except  the  doctrines  of 
our  own  bodily  and  spiritual  functions. 
The  true  Laws  of  Life,  or  Laws  of  Soul  (life  and  soul 
meaning  the  same  thing — for  He  "breathed  the  breath  of 
life  into  man's  nostrils,  and  he  became  a  living  soul"), 
have  not  yet  been  reduced  to  a  popular,  practical  and 
scientific  stand-point.    Truly,  the  platform  upon  which 


142  THE   SOCIxVL   WAR   OP    1900;   OR, 

mankind  stands  at  present,  in  relation  to  human  health 
and  perfection  of  body  and  soul,  is  as  far  from  being  on  an 
equality  with  the  material  arts  and  sciences  as  Satan  is 
from  attaining  celestial  glory;  or,  as  the  honorable  (':*) 
Judge  Sanctiblovver  is  from  a  follower  of  decent  judgment. 

Thousands,  nay,  millions  have  speculated  and  theorized 
over  these  dogmas  for  more  than  tliree  thousand  years, 
and  they  are  apparently  no  wiser  or  better  now  ;  indeed,  if 
as  wise  and  good  as  they  were  when  they  commenced. 
Ministers  and  doctors  have  been  on  a  wild  goose  chase  for 
fully  seventeen  hundred  and  fifty  years,  having  perverted 
tlie  simple  though  scientific  teachings  and  practices  of 
Jesus  Christ,  who  healed  both  bodily  and  spiritual  ills,  and 
that  without  drug-medicines — these  teachings  harmonized 
with  a  true  physiology,  or,  in  other  words,  the  scientific 
doctrines  of  the  Laics  of  Life. 

Before  medicines  were  introduced  as  healing  agencies, 
the  cure  of  human  ills  was  entrusted  to  the  power  of  the 
inherent  recuperative  vital  spark,  or  inner-man*  and  the 
high  priests,  by  recommending  fasting  and  prayer.,  holy 
faith,  cleanliness,  ventilation,  batiiing,  quietude,  exercise ; 
including  the  use  of  symbols,  charms,  beads,  etc.,  to  pacify 
the  mind,  restored  the  sick  with  wonderful  success,  as 
compared  and  contrasted  with  the  methods  of  cure  which 
are  now  so  fashionable,  but  destructive  to  body,  soul  and 
comfort  by  our  numerous  blind  leaders  of  blind,  who  lead 
the  millions  into  the  broad  road  to  hell. 

Very  few  were  the  wants,  and  fewer  the  diseases,  that 
existed  before  medicines  were  introduced  ;  but,  as  soon  as 
Paracelsus  and  others  introduced  mercury  and  a  host  of 
other  medicinal  nostrums,  so  soon  did  diseases  increase  in 
number  and  the  vital  principle  of  life  become  vitiated ; 
also  the  imaginary  wants  of  the  race  multiplied ;  and  it 
seems  ever  since,  man  has  lived  by  art,  instead  of  nature  ; 
has  doctored  by  art,  and  he  is  trying  to  fly  to  heavenly 
glory  on  golden  wings.  It  is  to  the  sorrow  and  fate  of  our 
bodily  constitutions  that  medicinal  poisons,  that  are  non- 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  143 

usable  by  a  naturally  healthy  organism,  have  been  swal- 
lowed ever  since,  in  the  delusive  hope  that  tlie  healing 
power  lies  in  the  material  agency  instead  of  the  inner-man 
or  nature.  Xo  wonder  that  the  most  eminent  lights  of  the 
medical  w^orld  have  denounced  the  whole  materia  medica 
and  the  concomitant  practices  of  their  profession. 

The  celebrated  Dr.  Hush  said:  "As  long  as  medicinal 
agencies  increase  in  number,  so  long  will  diseases  mul- 
tiply." 

Sir  Astley  Cooper  said,  speaking  of  the  medical  profes- 
sion as  a  whole  :  "  It  is  founded  on  conjecture  and  im- 
proved by  murder." 

Dr.  Franke  said :  "  Thousands  are  slaughtered  in  the 
quiet  sick  room." 

Long  established  customs  seem  to  make  law,  and  hence 
the  popular  blind  belief,  that  medicines  are  really  needed 
to  assist  nature  in  curing  the  ills  flesh  is  heir  to,  instead  of 
being  always  poisonous,  totally  incompatible  to  and  non- 
usable  by  nature  ;  although  they  may  excite  the  inner-life 
or  nature  as  a  whip  stimulates  a  horse,  but  to  say  that 
either  the  medicine  or  whip  aids  the  life  of  man  or  horse  is 
absurd.  At  the  best,  medicines  only  thwart  the  recupera- 
tive process  of  nature  ;  galvanize  or  pickle  the  tissues ; 
patch  up  the  breach  of  the  law  of  life,  or  at  once  burn  out 
the  vital  spark. 

Beloved  friends,  having  shown  you  plainly  the  error  into 
which  drug-doctors  have  fallen,  I  will  now  open  your  eyes 
to  the  blasphemies  and  anti-natural  doctrines  of  the  secta- 
rian ministers,  who  advocate  praying  for  everything  they 
want,  instead  of  learning  and  living  out  the  fixed  laws  of 
God,  and  thereby  letting  their  light  sJiine  in  good  icorks^  by 
returning  to  truth  and  nature,  and  scientifically  saving 
tJiemselves  and  their  children  from  the  sins,  diseases 
and  crimes  that  abound  everywhere,  notwithstanding 
their  much  speaking,  blind  faith,  and  long,  sanctimonious 
prayej's. 

Jesus  Christ  says  of  such  :   '■'■They  think  that  they  shall  be 


144  THE   SOCIAL   AVAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

heard  for  their  much  speaking  ;  "  and  on  numerous  occasions 
couuuands  us  all  not  to  pray  as  the  hypocrites  do :  '^For 
they  love  to  pray  in  the  synagogues^  that  they  may  be  seen  of 
men,^''  etc. 

We  have  therefore  two  kinds  of  institutions  that  are 
anti-Christ  and  anti-natural,  which  cause  also  two  kinds 
of  poverty,  both  of  which  need  immediate  attention,  if  the 
human  race  is  to  be  benefited,  elevated  and  Christianized. 
But  I  am  sorry  to  be  compelled  to  state,  that  from  the  acts 
of  doctors  and  preachers  it  appears  tlie  human  species  can 
continue  to  degenerate  without  any  scientific  voice  crying 
aloud  :  improve  the  blood  of  your  species,  as  the  farmer 
improves  his  stock  of  cattle — for  the  fixed  laws  of  genera- 
tion aiul  regeneration  are  at  hand,  and  the  spirit  of  the  Im- 
maculate Son  of  Man  knocketh  at  the  door  of  the  heart, 
but  its  hinges  are  rusted,  therefore  it  cannot  open  to  let  in 
the  monitor  of  grace  and  power  divine  ;  hence,  we  have 
first,  poverty  in  health  of  body  and  soul,  which  is  produced 
by  ignorant,  wilful  or  accidental  violation  of  the  fixed 
Laws  of  Life;  and  secondly  comes  poverty  in  purse,  over 
which  millions  are  made  to  moan  and  groan,  which  is 
caused  by  unphysiological  domestic  habits,  such  as  expen- 
sive cookery,  mixing  and  mincing  messes  of  animal  food, 
vegetables,  spices,  relishes,  condiments,  sugar  in  over- 
doses, teas,  coffees  and  a  host  of  other  drugs  too  numerous 
to  mention,  thereby  producing  more  appetite  than  health 
would  furnish,  hence,  eating  and  drinking  thrice  as  much 
as  nature  requires.  Truly,  each  social  gathering,  religious 
or  secular,  must  wind  up  with  a  feast ;  and  at  every  corner 
of  the  street,  in  our  boasted  civilized  and  Christianized 
cities,  we  find  several  grog  shops  and  as  many  eating 
houses,  and  each  being  filled  with  the  most  vicious  quali- 
ties of  aliment,  plainly  showing  that  saint  and  sinner  look 
upon  the  stomach  as  a  receptacle  to  hold  all  sorts  of  hash, 
trash,  poison  and  swill. 

Few  of  our  clergy,  as  well  as  saint  and  sinner,  miss  lay- 
ing in  a  good  supply  as  often  as  an  opportunity  affords, 


THE  co^'SPI^vATO^vS  axd  lovers.  145 

not  because  the  body  or  soul  needs  it ;  but  to  tickle  a  de- 
praved appetite,  to  get  a  little  pleasure  from  swallowing  ; 
thus  they  swallow  the  devil  (evil)  by  piece-meal,  but  withal 
claim  a  saintly  name. 

Moreover,  the  ladies  have  their  dining-room  cupboards 
well  loaded  with  game,  rich  cake  and  sundry  other  un- 
healthy dainties,  untitted  for  the  stomach  of  a  Hottentot, 
and  tlie  poor  stomach  is  made  a  laboratory  for  everything 
that  is  palatable  tc^  the  gustatory  propensities  ;  the  conse- 
quence is,  depraved  digestion,  which,  according  to  popular 
Christianity  and  fashionable  customs,  must  be  aided  by 
wines,  tobacco,  spirituous  liquors,  medicines,  lager,  ale 
and  schnapps. 

Immediately  following  these  un-Christ-like  and  unnatu- 
ral domestic  habits,  we  find  sickness,  ugliness,  peevishness, 
irritability,  scrawniness,  flabby  muscles,  morbid  longings, 
perverted  judgments,  false  ambitions,  spurious  modesty, 
riot,  gluttony,  drunkenness,  sensuality,  envy,  avarice, 
malice,  debility,  disease,  bloodless  cheeks,  etc.,  which  are, 
in  a  measure,  remedied  by  expensive  dress,  paddings, 
laces,  braces,  paints,  powders,  rouges,  perfumes  (to  over- 
come bad  odors)  and  the  like,  to  imitate  nature  ;  but,  alas  ! 
what  is  this  make-up  as  compared  with  pristine  beauty, 
symmetrical  contour  of  muscle,  rounded  form,  elastic  step, 
the  natural,  healthful  rose-leaf  blooming  on  the  cheek, 
coral  lip  and  the  soul-enchanting  eye,  with  naturally  acute 
senses,  and  a  sound  mind  in  a  sound  body !  These  are 
settled  truths.  May  I  ask.  with  St.  Paul,  '■■  Am  I  therefore 
become  your  enemy,  because  I  tell  you  the  truth  ?  '' 

Good  friends,  for  uttering,  publishing  and  advocating 
such  truths,  I  have  been  sent  to  prison  ;  cast  into  a  felon's 
cell,  to  appease  the  appetites  of  scribes,  pharisees  and 
hypocrites.  And  will  you  stand  by  and  allow  these  vipers 
and  bloody  conspirators,  in  this  age  of  science,  to  persecute 
the  man  who,  knowing  the  truth,  dare  maintain  it.  in 
spite  of  ministers  and  doctors,  who  neither  comprehend 
nor  care  to  learn  or  live-out  the  fixed  laws  of  God ;  but 
10 


146  THE  SOCIAL  WAR  OF  1900;  or, 

■who  do  their  best  to  inveigle  you  into  their  heinous 
sophistries  and  perfidious  practices  V  Arise,  or  be  forever 
lost! 


CHAPTER  XXXIV. 

PAT  O'CONNER  SAVES   HARRY  GOSSIMER   FROM  DROWN- 
ING, BUT  ARE  BOTH  ARRESTED. 

jHEN  Harry  Gossimer,  the  apostate  conspirator, 
who  was  sentenced  to  be  drowned,  was  being 
hauled  by  Pat  O'Conner  into  the  latter's  boat, 
Pat  said  : 

"  Be  me  sowl,  but  ye  are  a  quare  fish  ;  who  air  ye  ?  " 

"  I  am  the  victim  of  a  most  foul  plot ;  but  who  are  you, 
that  you  have  arrived  at  such  an  opportune  moment,  like 
an  angel  dropped  from  heaven,  specially  to  save  my  miser- 
able life  V  "  responded  Harry  Gossimer. 

"  Be  jabers,  I'm  naither  an  angel  dropt  from  heaven,  nor 
an  idle  specalator  " — 

''No,  sir ;  you  are  a  Christian,"  interrupted  Hany  Gos- 
simer, "for  coming  to  my  rescue,  for  which  you  have  my 
never-failing  thanks  " — 

"Plaze,  don't  blarney  me  wid  yer  smooth  tongue  ;  naither 
do  ye  owe  me  any  tanks,  sir,  becase  I  was  afishin'  fur  a 
bait  what  I  may  use  som  day  fur  to  catch  a  few  cunnin' 
grate  fish  wid,"  said  Pat,  laughing. 

"  You  are  merry  ;  but  toll  me,  do  you  know  liow  I  came 
here  at  this  time  of  night  ?  "  replied  Harry  Gossimer. 

"  Know  !  "  responded  Pat.  "  Bedad,  an'  I  tink  I  out  to 
know,  whin  I  watched  them  squally  curraudgons  this 
many  a  day." 

"Watched  them  many  a  day?"  said  Harry  Gossimer. 
"  What  do  you  mean  by  them  ?  " 

"Och!  howly  muixlher,  don't  ye  tink  I  knows  them 
bluddy  conspirators  ;  an'  do  ye  tink  I  does  not  owe  them 
a  grudge  ?  "  spitefully  exclaimed  Pat. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  147 

"I  see  that  you  have  evidently  been  injured  by  these 
people,  who  brought  me  here  bound,  sacked  and  boxed  to 
drown  me,  and  who  now  think  1  am  dead,  and  food  for 
fishes,"  said  Harry  Gossimer. 

"Och!  they  dirty  divils  ;  but  what  mane  ye  by  sayin' 
that  ye  were  'bound,  sacked  and  boxed  i"  "  asked  Pat 
O 'Conner. 

''  Well,  please  let  me  tell  you.  They  sentenced  me  to  be 
hanged  or  drowned  ;  I  was  permitted  the  consoling  privi- 
lege to  choose  which  death  I  preferred,  when  I  chose 
drowning,  for  I  thought  may  be  I  might  be  saved  " — 

"Be  jabers,  an'  yer  '  may  be  '  has  comed  tru,"  laughingly 
interrupted  Pat. 

"Yes,  ten  thousand  thanks  to  your  noble  self,"  con- 
tinued Harry  Gossimer,  "  and  after  I  had  decided  to  prefer 
drowning,  they  bound  me  hand  and  foot,  and  also  gagged 
me  with  a  strong  rope  ;  then  they  put  me  into  a  large  salt 
sack,  and  after  that  they  boxed  me  up  in  a  dry  goods  box, 
nailing  it  tightly  shut,  and  brought  me  here  in  that  man- 
ner to  drown  me  ;  I  suppose  you  know  the  means  by  which 
they  conveyed  me  here,  for  I  don't." 

"An'  shure  I  knows  all  aboot  how  they  brot  ye  here,  but, 
be  me  sowl,  I  cannot  know  how  ye  comed  out  ov  bein' 
'  bound,  sacked  an'  boxed  ; '  ye  air  not  a  god,  that  ye  could 
tare  all  them  tings  away  from  yer  body  ;  how,  thin,  did  ye 
git  loose  V  "  asked  Pat. 

"  Yes,  truly,  my  dear  sir,  it  would  seem  curious  to  be 
capacitated  to  extricate  one's  self  from  being  ^  bound, 
sacked  and  boxed;  '  but,  when  they  came  to  this  spot  where 
they  sent  me  overboard,  they  first  took  me  out  of  the  dry 
goods  box,  and  dropped  me  in  the  sack,  which  had  heavy 
weights  in  its  bottom,  but  by  good  luck  I  got  my  hand 
loose,  and,  when  I  was  removed  from  the  box,  I  opened  my 
pocket  knife  with  my  teeth,  and  the  moment  they  threw 
me  into  the  water,  I  commenced  to  cut  the  sack  and  ropes 
to  pieces,  and  lastly  I  cut  the  gag  from  my  mouth  ;  but 
you  will  see  that  my  feet  are  bound  yet,"  responded  the 
poor  victim. 


148  THE  SOCIAL  WAR  OF    1900;   OR, 

"  Howly  Moses  !  "  ejaculated  Pat,  "an'  so  tliey  air  ;  but, 
begorrali,  ye  made  a  uariovv  'scape." 

"You  are  right,  but  thank  you  and  the  Lord  for  tliis 
deliverance  ;  and  now,  as  I  am  safe,  what  had  we  better 
do,  for  these  bloody  conspirators  are  dreadful  people,  who 
would  go  to  any  trouble  to  kill  me  V  "  responded  Harry 
Gossiraer. 

"  May  I  be  so  bould  as  to  axe  ye,  fur  what  they  were 
akillin' ye  V  "  asked  Pat. 

"  Certainly,  with  pleasure ;  I  was  fool  enough  to  join 
what  they  call  the  '  Sacredly  Secret  Conclave,'  and  whilst 
they  were  congregated  at  Tabernacle  Hall  this  very  night, 
for  the  purpose  of  contriving  the  most  hellish  work,  I  ob- 
jected to  co-operate  with  tliem,  when  they  sentenced  me 
to  death  for  violating  their  iron-clad  oath,"  said  Harry 
Gossimer. 

"Tanks,  fur  atellin'  me  all  aboot  it,  an'  I  now  under- 
shtand  ;  an'  I  was  atinkin'  what  we  better  be  adoin,  fur  ye 
knows  them  bluddy  varmint  so  well  as  I  could  tell  ye  " — 

"  But,  sir,  I  cannot  understand  how  you  know  anything 
about  them,  for  you  are  an  Irishman,  and  very  likely  a 
Roman  Catholic,  and  therefore  cannot  be,  or  ever  have 
been,  a  member  of  the  bloody  clique,"  interrupted  Harry 
Gossimer. 

"An'  shure,  I  bees  an  Irish  Catholic,  an'  niver  belonged 
to  thim  divils  ;  but,  hav  I  not  bin  a  sarvant  wid  Gineral 
Washington  Armington,  an'  has  not  Dr.  Victor  Juno  an' 
Miss  Lucinda  Armington  bin  abdoocted  an'  throwed  into 
them  insane  asylum  dungons  by  them  murdherin'  cur- 
mudgon  ;  an'  haven't  I  an'  me  Judy  darlin'  seen  anough  to 
know  what  divils  them  varmint  air  ?  "  excitedly  and  an- 
grily said  Pat  0"Conner. 

"  I  see,  I  see,  you  know  more  than  I  thought  any  mortal 
knew  outside  of  their  clique.  But,  my  dear,  good  saviour, 
do  these  people  know  that  you  are  so  well  posted  on  these 
topics  ?  "  asked  Harry  Gossimer. 

"  No,  be  Sant  Patrick,  they  do  not,  an'  I  niver  mane 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND    LOVERS.  149 

they  shall  know,  until  I  bees  reddy  fur  'em,"  ejaculated 
Pat  O 'Conner. 

"  But  you  speak  of  this  so  freely  to  me,  a  stranger  ;  are 
you  not  afraid  that  I  might  inform  them  of  your  know- 
ledge, and  that  by  so  doing  they  would  murder  you  " — 

"•  Yis,  as  they  did  ye,"  interposed  Pat,  laughing,  and 
continued,  "be  jabers,  do  ye  tak  me  fur  a  stewpid  black- 
gard ;  becase,  do  I  not  know  that  ye  dare  not  lit  'em  know 
that  ye  bees  alive ;  how  the  divil  could  ye  tell  on  me,  if  ye 
would  ?  " 

"  You  are  truly  a  philosopher,  and  anything  but  a  fool, 
and  as  you  have  saved  my  life,  I  will  trust  it  to  you  ;  there- 
fore, where  had  I  better  go  V  "  responded  Harry  Gossimer. 

"  I  liave  touglit  ov  a  plan ;  ye  go  wid  me  to  Giueral  Arm- 
ington's  house" — 

^  I  am  afraid  of  being  detected  there  ;  will  you  please 
give  me  your  name  ?  "  interrupted  Harry  Gossimer. 

"  Yis,  sir ;  me  name  bees  Pat  O'Conner,  an'  Judy  McCrca 

is  me  fathful ,  now  what  air  ye  laughin'  at  V  "  said 

Pat,  sheepishly. 

''I  was  only  smiling,  when  you  could  not  say  what  Judy 
McCrea  was  to  you  ;  but  I  know  she  is  your  faithful  dar- 
ling," responded  Gossimer. 

''An'  shurely  ye  hav  sthruck  they  nail  on  they  hed  that 
time ;  an'  no  one  am  at  they  house  but  she  an'  meself  ;  an' 
she  bees  as  wide  awak  as  meself,  an'  ye  could  trust  yer  life 
a  tousand  times  wid  Judy  darlin',"  earnestly  said  Pat. 

They  now  rowed  toward  home  ;  but  it  was  getting  day- 
light, therefore  they  had  to  spend  their  time  along  the 
banks  of  the  Delaware  until  the  following  night.  They 
landed  at  an  obscure  grove,  and  cautiously  made  their 
way  to  a  hut  and  got  some  refreshments,  wlien  they  re- 
turned to  the  boat,  and  sitting  t.-ilkiug  overall  the  matters 
■with  which  tlie  reader  is  already  familiar,  the  day  passed 
hurriedly  away,  and,  when  right  dark,  tliey  pushed  up  to 
the  boatman's  wharf,  and  just  as  they  landed,  Pat  O'Con- 
ner was  patted  on  the  shoulder  by  an  officer,  who  said: 


150  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

"  I  believe  you  are  Pat  O'Conner  ?  " 
"  Yis,  sii-,"  responded  Pat. 

"I  have  a  warrant  for  you,"  said  the  officer,  and  con- 
tinued :  "  Who  is  this  with  you,  111  arrest  him  also  V  " 


CHAPTEK  XXXV. 

DK.   JUNO'S  SECOND  STARTLING    SERMON   ON  DOCTORS 
AND  MINISTERS. 

ELOYED  FRIENDS :— In  my  last  discourse  on 
Doctors  of  Piiysic  and  Ministers  of  Sectarian 
Christianity,  I  have  as  briefly  and  logically  as 
possible  laid  open  to  public  gaze  the  follies  and 
fallacies  that  are  taught  and  practised  by  these  misled  ink- 
suckers  ;  pardon  the  common  parlance  that  I  am  often 
compelled  to  use  in  chastising  the  haughty  vipers  who  sit 
in  Moses'  seat. 

Heaven  forbid  that  tlie  people — who  are  the  bone  and 
sinew  of  the  land— should  any  longer  be.kept  in  ignorance 
of  the  fixed  laws  of  their  own  beings  ;  should  be  made  be- 
lieve in  false  prophets,  false  Christs,  and  false  leaders  ;  that 
thereby  they  can  be  made  the  easier  dupes  for  those  who 
possess  more  money  than  brains,  or  craft  than  wisdom. 

Jesus  Cluist  lived  a  natural,  normal  life,  and  all  his  pre- 
cepts and  examples  weie  in  strict  conformity  with  the 
fixed  I  aws  of  Life  ;  but  where  do  either  the  medical  doctors 
or  sectarian  ministers  follow  the  teachings  and  example  of 
Jesus?  Again,  every  one  has  duties  resting  upon  him, 
which  he  cannot  dodge  without  a  train  of  the  most  deplor- 
able evils  following  close  upon  his  heels,  and  no  one  can 
mend  a  broken  law  by  swallowing  poisons,  or  by  vain  repe- 
titions and  long  prayers,  for  such  conditions  he  must  do 
penance  and  return  to  truth  and  nature,  if  he  wishes  to  be 
crowned  with  the  laurels  of  pristine  beauty,  health  and 

fiulVUtiOlI 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  151 

Two  wrongs  never  can  make  a  right.  Departure  from 
nature's  law  is  one  wrong,  whose  penalty  generally  is  sick- 
ness ;  and  to  take  medicines  is  another  wrong,  because  all 
medicines  are  poisonous  to  a  healthy  person,  therefore 
cannot  make  right  what  departure  from  nature's  fixed  law 
has  made  wrong.  Neither  did  Jesus  ever  attempt  to  heal 
the  sick  by  poisoning  the  springs  of  life,  nor  by  long  dicta- 
torial prayers  ;  but  he  did  it  by  the  sick  being  willing  to 
make  themselves  passive  or  penitent,  trusting  to  the  god- 
principle  within,  which  he  was  then  capacitated  and  wil- 
ling to  magnify  by  animal-magnetic  and  soul-arousing 
powers.  Thus,  he  healed  the  sick,  cleansed  the  lepers,  raised  the 
dead,  cast  out  devils ;  and  as  freely  as  he  received  this  power, 
so  freely  he  gave  it  to  all  who  were  willing  to  do  penance 
and  believe  in  him,  who  was  the  representative  of  the  fixed 
Laws  of  Life,  both  of  body  and  soul. 

If  we  go  back  to  "  the  origin  of  life,''''  and  take  a  meagre 
view  at  the  popular  customs  of  raising  and  educating  chil- 
dren, we  shall  find  a  wonderful  amount  of  barbarity  and 
atheism  practised  even  at  this  progressive  and  boasted  sci- 
entific age.  Stuffed  with  unhealthy  food  and  drink,  and 
dosed  with  physic,  as  our  infants  are,  is  an  outrage  that 
criesialoud'to  heaven  for  reformation  and  enlightenment 
on  this  topic.  '■'■Am  I  therefore  become  your  enemy,  because  I 
tell  you  the  truth?  "  (St.  Paul  to  the  Galatians  iv.  16.) 

When  the  babe  grows  to  childhood,  he  is  forced  to  at- 
tend your  badly  managed  school-rooms,  where  foul  air  and 
taxations  of  brain  predominate  over  good  sense,  and  thus 
the  child's  constitution  is  blasted  before  his  bones  are  one- 
fourth  matured,  before  tlie  frame-work  is  half  completed, 
and  before  the  soul  has  established  even  the  outline  of  a 
character,  or  moulded  the  faculty  of  thought,  the  precious 
casket  is  shattered  and  shriveled,  unfitting  it  for  the  in- 
dwolling  of  the  Holy  Spirit. 

The  youngster,  at  once  in  school,  must  study  letters  and 
figures,  which,  when  concocted  together,  teach  him  of 
brooks,  rivers,  lands,  islands,  seas,  sun,  moun  and  stars  ; 


152  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

of  arts  and  sciences  ;  of  wars,  seats  and  rumors  of  war  ;  of 
capitals,  states,  cities  and  empires  ;  of  valleys,  hills  and 
mountains ;  of  mathematical  problems,  and,  indeed,  of 
everything  else,  except  the  rules,  laws  and  injunctions 
which  concern  his  own  bodily  growth  and  mental  develop- 
ment. The  latter  are  looked  upon,  by  our  artificial  and 
ungodly  doctors  and  ministers,  as  improper  studies ;  yea, 
even  as  vulgar  and  obscene  subjects,  Avhich  these  over- 
learned  professors  hold  as  irrelevant  to  the  enthronement 
of  the  '■'■Image  of  God,'"  or  salvation  of  mankind  ;  therefore, 
such  matters  as  the  Science  of  Life,  and  functions  of  gene- 
ration and  regeneration,  must  not  be  discussed  or  taught, 
either  by  man  or  the  Holy  Spirit ;  wliich  shows  that  they 
prefer  the  people  to  go  blind  through  the  world,  probably, 
that  tlie  latter  may  be  the  more  readily  gulled  and  led  by 
their  noses  by  these  blind  leaders  of  the  blind. 

If  what  I  have  just  spoken  be  not  true,  why,  then,  do 
these  bigots  conspire  to  imprison  and  murder  your  humble 
servant  ?  They  may  endeavor  to  impress  the  popular 
mind,  time  and  again,  that  God  takes  care  of  the  body,  if 
its  mind  is  only  prayerful,  and  watching  Him  so  that  He 
makes  no  blunders  ;  but,  the  propounders  of  this  impious 
onslaught  upon  an  infinite  and  beneficent  Creator  shall 
not  go  unchastized  as  long  as  I  have  breath  to  gainsay 
these  infidel  and  heretical  doctrines.  I  tell  you,  dear 
friends,  that  God  never  takes  care  of  anything  wherein 
his  plans  and  immutable  laws  are  frustrated  and  violated — 
in  these  matters,  like  in  the  material  sciences,  '■'■lip-service  " 
will  not  answer ;  but,  religion  must  become  a  science,  in 
which  we  pray  with  wise  heads,  loving  hearts,  clean 
liands  and  supple  feet,  if  aught  is  to  be  accomplished. 

If,  through  ignorance,  recklessness  or  hypocrisy  in  the 
onset  of  life,  the  growth,  replenishment  and  physiological 
recuperation  of  the  human  frame  are  thwarted,  how  can 
we  become  sound,  good  and  holy?  It  is  thus  no  wonder 
that,  with  all  the  church  wealth  and  multitudinous  doc- 
tors and  preachers,  this  woild  is  so  full  of  loafers,  drunk- 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  153 

ards,  politicians,  sectarian  bigots,  vagabonds  and  cut- 
tliroats!  ''Am  J  therefore  become  your  enemy,  because  J  tell 
you  the  truth?  " 

Truly,  this  people  run  away  from  natural  laws  and  com- 
mence to  depend  upon ''ar<"  and  human  government  be- 
fore tliey  get  tlieir  eye-teeth  cut ;  and  no  sooner  do  they 
depend  upon  '' arf'  than  nature  deserts  them,  and  leaves 
them  to  rely  altogether  upon  ''  art;  "  and  tliis  is  the  reason 
that  tliey  sulfer  from  early  old  age,  premature  death  and 
from  all  the  ills  flesh  is  heir  to.  Moreover,  they  become 
homely,  miserable  and  degraded.  Under  these  perverted 
trainings,  they  too  often  blame  their  Maker  for  tlie  mani- 
fold sufferings  which  they  are  compelled  to  endure,  and 
which  they  would  escape  were  they  to  take  an  equal 
amount  of  interest  in  health  and  its  laws,  as  they  do  in 
filthy  lucre  matters. 

Whilst  they  have  healthy  brains  and  bodies  is  the  proper 
time  to  secure  it  for  future  enjoyment.    A  wise  rich  man 
secures  his  money  by  safe  investments,  according  to  the 
laws  of  finance  ;  equally  so  does  a  good,  wise  healthy  man 
studv  heed  and  obey  the  laws  of  life  and  health  whilst  he 
possesses  the  heavenly  treasure.    Whilst  he  has  powers  of 
discretion,  he  secures  it,  not  only  for  his  own  selfishness, 
but  for  the  purpose  of  transferring  it  to  his  children  and 
grand-children,  which,  let  me  tell  you,  is  the  richest  and 
most  glorious  legacy  that  a  parent  can  bequeath  unto  his 
children.     But,  as  I  glance  around,  where  do  I  find  our 
good  wise  men,  according  to  this  interpretation  of  wis- 
dom ?    Looking  at  the  negligence  of  the  Laws  of  Life,  at 
the  smoking,  chewing   and    snuffing   poisonous  tobacco 
(loving  this  filth  more  than  God,  Son  or  Spirit),  at  the 
rum-sipping  and  at  the  rage  for  worldly  gain  ;  for  wealth 
in  the  extremes  of   fantastic  fashion   in  dress,  houses, 
churches,  equipages  and  the  silly  lavish  ex])enditure  in  ef- 
forts to  outdo  or  outshine  one's  foolish  friends,  will  any 
one  verily,  can  any  decent  person,  blame  me  if  I  ask  the 
question  ■  Are  wc  an  enliglitened  and  Christian  comma- 


154  THE   SOCIAL   WAR    OF    1900;    OR, 

nity;  or,  do  we  "-go  it  UindV  Are  we  even  half  civilized 
or  moralized  V  Do  we  exhibit  common  sense  V  Certainly 
not  good  sound  sense,  for  this  is  tlie  growth  of  judgment 
founded  upon  scientific  knowledge,  and  too  few  care  to 
learn  the  patli  they  should  walk  in. 

Alas !  alas  !  the  errors  and  follies  of  the  fathers  are  copied 
by  tlie  children,  and  the  stultified  ignorance  of  the  ances- 
tors is  perpetuated  in  the  descendants,  and  in  a  physiologi- 
cal and  Christian  sense,  we  are  all  on  the  broad  way  to 
destruction  of  body,  soul  and  spirit. 

Indeed  few,  if  any,  ask  themselves  the  question.  Do  I 
live  aright  V  Are  my  habits  of  life  in  consonance  with 
God's  fixed  laws  of  life  and  health  V  Such  queries  would 
indicate  practical  thought— causing  the  reasoning  faculties 
to  bestir  the  befuddled  brains — which  at  this  age  of  Phari- 
saism, sectarian  piety  and  drug-medication,  are  carried  in 
the  stomach  instead  of  the  head ;  hence,  saint  and  world- 
ling reason  that  their  stomachs  want  and  actually  need 
rum,  teas,  coffee,  grease,  oysters,  spices,  relishes,  fer- 
mented, concentrated,  seasoned  and  refined  fixings.  Thus, 
our  so-called  civilized  people  do  not  reason  through  the 
medium  of,  or  from,  their  brains,  nor  from  data  or  sound 
principle  ;  else  they  would  conclude  that  they  should  eat, 
drink,  breathe,  exercise,  rest,  sleep,  dress,  act,  feel  and 
tliink  solely  for  health  purposes,  and  thereby  obtain 
Christ's  pure  blood  and  body,  when  the  gratification  of  one 
perverted  propensity  would  be  esteemed  no  more  legiti- 
mate than  another  ;  gluttony  and  licentiousness  would  be 
found  to  be  twin-brothers  whose  monitions  smatter  of  the 
devil  and  his  imps. 

Dear  friends,  notwithstanding  all  this  perverseness  of 
manner  and  digression  fi'om  natural  laws,  many  sincere 
followers  of  the  false  prophets,  who  claim  to  possess  wis- 
dom and  Cliristian  virtues,  profane  the  divine  ^''  laws  of 
Life^''''  by  ridiculing  and  spurning  simple  food  and  natural 
drink  (water),  and  call  their  pernicious  and  serpent-like 
appetites  the  voice  of  profound  wisdom  and  learnedness ; 


THE   CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVERS.  155 

and  wliilst  becoming  kin  to  all  the  ills,  sins,  flesh  and  lust 
of  the  devil ;  and  with  all  this  wickedness  upon  their  heads 
(like  my  prosecutors  and  persecutors  who  sent  me  to 
prison),  and  even  without  a  struggle  for  the  right  path, 
often  cry  aloud  for  blessings  from  the  divine  Creator, 
whom  tiiey  have  so  shamefully  disregarded,  and  I  might 
most  appropriately  exclaim  :  ''  Oh!  ye  generation  of  vipers, 
lioio  can  ye  escape  the  damnation  of  hell?  "  - 

However,  with  all  the  forenamed  violations  of  God's 
laws,  we  boast  of  this  ingenious  and  enlightened  nine- 
teenth century,  the  general  education  of  the  people;  the 
spread  of  knowledge  among  the  millions ;  of  steam  engines ; 
of  railroads  and  telegraphs ;  of  destructive  war  imple- 
ments ;  of  the  triumphs  of  chemistry  ;  of  the  wonders  of 
the  photographic  art ;  but  the  highest  of  all  arts  —  the 
"  art "  of  living  a  natural,  Christ-like  life — what  can  we 
boast  V 

Oh  !  for  a  prajing,  church-going,  Christian  community 
to  take  so  little  care  in  the  "  art  of  living  "  is  a  most  shame- 
ful sin,  a  wretched  blasphemy,  and  a  gross  infidelity  to 
God's  never-changing  laws  of  life  and  health.  Money  and 
fleshly  lusts,  that  war  against  the  soul,  seem  to  rule  and 
control  this  whole  machine  of  humanity,  whilst  sensual- 
ists and  cut-throats,  like  Judge  Sanctiblower,  sit  on  tlie 
judiciary  bench  to  deal  out  damnation  to  those  who  vindi- 
cate the  cause  of  God  and  mankind. 

Once  more,  in  conclusion,  permit  me  to  ask  you  :  "Who 
are  the  sovereigns  of  America  ?  Shall  these  misled  doctors 
and  ministers  tutor  your  minds  in  such  a  manner  that  you 
dare  not  protect  him  who  has  suffered  already  the  severest 
persecution  for  the  welfare  of  humanity  V  Have  you  a 
spark  of  the  milk  of  human  kindness  left  in  your  bones 
that  will  not  exert  itself  to  the  utmost  to  aid  me  in  snl)- 
duing  these  vile  conspirators,  who  claim  to  be  licensed 
from  on  high  to  carry  out  their  hell-born  desires  ? 

Arise,  O  sons  of  eai"th,  and  strike  for  your  inalienable 
rights,  for  your  religious  liberty,  for  your  benefactors,  for 


156  THE   SOCIAL   M'AR    OF    1900;    OR, 

your  health,  for  Jesus  Christ,  God  and  iMankind  !  Do 
this,  and  His  will  be  done  here  in  earth  as  it  is  there  iu 
heaven,  and  the  Millennium  will  indeed  be  established  1 


CHAPTER  XXXYI. 

THE  BLOODY  COXSPIRATOES  IX  FEAR,  AXD  FIGHT 
AMOXGST   THEMSELVES. 

^'HE  bloody  conspirators  almost  ran  their  movements 
into  the  ground,  breaking  their  camel's  back, 
bj'  causing  the  State  Legislature  to  make  several 
offensive  laws,  which,  however,  were  only  in- 
tended for  Victor  Juno ;  and  when  a  certain  newspaper 
was  printing  sentiments  in  its  columns  that  came  within 
tlicse  laws,  and  the  friends  of  Dr.  Juno  arrested  tb.e  pub- 
lisher of  this  sectarian  newspaper,  they  saw  the  blunder 
they  made,  as  their  instigated  enactments  were  nauseating 
to  their  own  saints. 

They  called  a  very  special  meeting  of  the  sacredly  secret 
conclave  to  meet  at  Tabernacle  Hall,  sharp  at  eight  r.  31. 
The  president.  Eev.  Joe  Pier,  as  usual  called  the  saints  to 
order,  and  after  the  minutes  of  the  preceding  meeting 
were  read,  a  hot  discussion  took  place  about  the  reclcless 
manner  in  which  business  is  oftentimes  transacted. 

Brother  SaA^age  Ragtag  took  the  floor  and  said  :  That  he 
was  arrested  by  some  audacious  scoundrel  who  is  friendly 
to  Dr.  Juno,  because  he  had  i)ublished  an  advertisement 
of  a  certain  celebrated  patent  medicine  doctor,  which 
came  within  the  law  that  the  brotherhood  had  recently  en- 
acted for  Hi-^  special  benefit  of  Dr.  Juno.  Kov.',  then,  this 
law  was  so  recklessly  drawn  up  as  to  injure  the  business  of 
many  of  the  saints,  if  enforced  on  them ;  and  there  are 
enougli  rascals  amongst  us  who  make  no  scruples  to  spring 
our  own  trap  on  us,  which  truly  is  breaking  our  camel's 
back.    Influence  must  be  brought  to  bear  upon  the  prose- 


THE   CONSPIRATOnS   AND    LOVERS.  lut 

cuting  officers  to  drop  this  charge  of  au  Obscene  Libel,  now 
pending  against  him,  for  doing  what  all  the  otlier  news- 
papers publisli ;  yes,  even  the  Oracle  prints  this  same 
patent  medicine  advertisement,  and  in  a  measure  it  would 
serve  Brotlier  Generous  right  if  they  should  arrest  him 
also,  because  he  had  been  the  leader  in  having  this  reckless 
law  framed  and  enacted. 

"  Remember,  brethren,  I  have  no  objections  to  any  kind 
of  a  law  that  will  catch  the  renegade  Dr.  Juno,  but  I  want 
it  so  cautiously  framed  as  only  to  include  quacks  like  him, 
without  touching  decent  people's  business,"  said  Savage 
Eagtag. 

To  this  onslaught,  by  Brother  Savage  Ragtag,  on  Gold- 
eagle  Generous,  Colonel  ]SIcStuckup  pounced  upon  the 
floor  and  said  : 

"  Mr.  President  and  holy  saints,  I  am  not  going  to  sit 
here  and  allow  the  libellous  Ragtag  insult  the  memory  of 
my  noble  employer,  wliilst  he  is  absent  in  Europe.  Brother 
Generous  is  a  Cliristian  and  gentleman  of  the  first  water, 
and  he  would  give  more  money  toward  any  of  the  saints' 
good  work,  as  is  often  seen  in  the  newspapers,  than  this 
growling  libeller  can  raise  in  a  lifetime  " — 

Here  Deacon  Rob  Stew  intervened  and  said  : 

"Mr.  President,  I  ask  you  to  call  these  green  brethren 
to  order  at  once,  because  we  cannot,  and  shall  not,  loso 
time  in  fighting  over  irrelevant  matters  for  which  this 
special  meeting  was  called." 

"  The  brethren  are  out  of  order,  and  Brother  Stew  must 
be  heard,"  responded  the  president. 

"The  devil  he  must,"  said  Savage  Ragtag,  and  was 
going  to  continue  speaking,  when  a  blow  on  his  moutli 
sent  him  reeling  like  a  top,  after  which  he  crawled  into  a 
back  seat  and  slint  pan. 

Deacon  Rob  Stew  now  arose  and  said  : 

"  Beloved  saints,  if  you  are  wise,  you  will  be  silent  and 
attentive  whilst  I  will  endeavor  to  show  you  where  great 
danger  is  breeding  ;  yes,  danger  that  may  bring  every  one 


158  Till:   SOCIAL    \\\R   OF    1900;    OR, 

of  us  speedily  to  the  gallows,  unless  we  plan  and  work  like 
brave  fellows  " — 

"O  Brother  Stew,  please  let  us  pray,"  responded  Rev. 
Joe  Pier,  "  for  I  am  scared  already  out  of  a  year's  growth. 
Bring  every  one  of  us  speedily  to  the  gallows  !— great  Mars, 
I  feel  choked  already !  O  beloved  brethren  and  sisters, 
let  us  pray  God  to  unite  us  in  sentiment  and  action,  so 
that  we  shall  escape  the  hangman's  ignominious  rope  ; 
because  I  despise  hemp  when  it  comes  too  nigh  to  a  saint's 
swallowing  organs." 

"Brother  Pier  is  right,"  continued  Rob  Stew,  "and  it 
must  be  self-evident  to  all  of  you  that  Dr.  Juno,  the  ac- 
cursed innovator,  is  gaining  ground  on  us,  notwithstand- 
ing our  endeavors  to  disgrace  him  by  convicting  and 
imprisoning  him  for  publishing  an  '  Obscene  Libel.''  Why 
the  dare-devil  is  actually  making  capital  of  his  imprison- 
ment, by  crying  persecution,  and  I  have  a  report  at  home 
of  two  sermons  that  he  has  lately  delivered  to  large  intel- 
ligent audiences,  on  Ministers  and  Doctors,  in  which  he 
shows  without  cavil  that  he  is  right  and  that  we  are  all  in 
the  wrong.  His  hearers,  I  understand  from  the  reporter, 
whom  I  sent  to  get  his  speeches,  were  perfectly  carried  away 
by  his  logic  and  eloquent  manner  ;  even  my  faithful  saintly 
reporter  esteems  Juno  the  greatest  man  living,  and  if  such 
loyal  brethren  as  reporter  Sanctiblower,  son  of  Judge 
Sanctiblower,  are  being  carried  away,  who  is  safe  that  is 
really  intelligent,  provided  Dr.  Juno  is  permitted  to  go  on 
in  his  determined  way  V  The  intelligent,  temperate  classes 
of  the  people,  who  are  the  most  useful  and  respectable, 
will  soon  join  this  innovator.  They  respect  him  greatly, 
and  before  long  he  will  make  a  move  to  crush  us  by  rebel- 
lion, see  if  he  don't,  unless  we  can  remove  him  from  our 
midst " — 

"  Lord  !  O  Lord  !  help,  help  us  ! "  sighed  out  Rev.  Joe 
Pier,  with  uplifted  hands,  and,  interrupting  the  deacon, 
continued :  "  I  feel  it,  O  brethren,  I  feel  it ;  Dr.  Juno,  Dr. 
Juno  is  arousing  the  best  people  and  carrying  them  away 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  159 

from  us,  and  we'll  surely  be  liung  as  common  murderers. 
Oh  !  Oh  ! !  Oh  ! ! !  " 

"Do  not  be  such  a  coward,  Mr.  President,"  angrily 
cried  out  Dr.  Toy  Fancy.  "1  also  know  that  a  certain 
class  of  people  will  join  Dr.  Juno,  but  these  are  few  com- 
pared with  all  those  who  are  his  bitter  opponents.  Now, 
listen  for  a  moment.  Brother  Pier,  and  don't  be  a  fool ; 
both  you  and  the  deacon  forget  that  we  can  swell  our 
crowd  to  an  immense  army  by  calling  all  the  medicine  doc- 
tors, medicine  swallowers,  tobacco  dealers,  rum  dealers, 
and  the  users  of  these  articles ;  also  the  jealous,  selfish, 
miserly  crowd  will  come  to  our  side,  if  we  should  ask  them 
to  do  so,  and  the  public  press  is  our  slave  already  ;  therefore 
take  comfort,  and  feel  safe  and  sound." 

"  O  dear,  good,  wise  Brother  Pancy,  you  really  are  a 
doctor,  who  can  cure  the  weakness  of  the  flesh  by  your 
deep  thought,  and  I  now  feel  I  am  myself  again,"  ejacu- 
lated the  saintly  Rev.  Joe  Pier. 

"Mr,  President,  I  am  not  a  public  speaker,  but  I  have  a 
few  words  to  say  ;  and  that  is,  that  I  am  opposed  to  accept 
the  services,  or  be  thrown  into  communion  with  unregene- 
rate  people  like  the  dissipated  worldlings  who  indulge  in 
rum,  tobacco,  profanity,  Sabbath  breaking  and  so  forth," 
responded  a  sanctimonious  brother. 

"Silence!"  interposed  Deacon  liob  Stew,  "and  hear 
me.  We  do  not  want  your  silly  scruples  on  the  habits  of 
the  worldlings,  or  on  any  one  else ;  first,  because  such  non- 
sense comes  too  near  the  accursed  teachings  of  Dr.  Juno  ; 
and,  secondly,  because  we  shall  need  all  the  help  that  Ave 
can  get  from  all  quarters  ;  furthermore,  I  call  upon  the 
president  to  order  all  such  rebellious  stuff  as  being  irrele- 
vant, when  we  meet  as  a  sacredly  secret  conclave ;  and 
remind  all  who  belong  here  that  I  say  our  solemn  oath 
cannot  be  violated  with  impunity.  Remember  the  fate  of 
the  apostate,  Harry  Gossimer  !  " 

"Yes,  brothers  and  sisters,  remember  the  fate  of  tlie 
apostate,  Harry  Gossimer,  whose  death,  for  dissenting 


IGO  THE    SOCIAL    WAR    OF    1900;    OR, 

with  the  profound  wisdom  of  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  shoukl  be 
a  terrible  lesson  to  all  of  you  who  are  within  reach  of  my 
Jiumble  voice,"  exclaimed  the  Rev.  Joe  Pier, 

''  I  rise  to  request  that  Brother  Rob  Stew  shall  finish  his 
speech.  I  want  to  hear  his  plans,  and  if  they  do  not  agree 
with  mine,  I  shall  take  the  opportunity  to  urge  what  I 
claim  to  be  rational  and  will  prove  successful,"  said  Sister 
Nancy  Clover. 

"O  precious,  holy  and  profoundly  wise  Sister  Clover, 
your  angelic  voice  always  charms  my  soul  and  calms  my 
fears  ;  and  I  now  order  tluit  the  floor  belongs  to  Brother 
Stew  until  he  has  finished  his  speech,"  exclaimed  the 
saintly  president,  with  a  countenance  quite  serene,  as  he 
threw  an  affectionate  glance  at  Sister  Nancy  Clover. 

"  Brethren,  I  know  that  we  have  only  one  Avay  left  us  to 
carry  us  safely  through  Israel,"  said  Deacon  Rob  Stew; 
"and  that  is  by  working  in  unison  with  the  politicians 
and  worldlings  generally.  We  have  reached  that  danger- 
ous point  when  Ave  cannot  clioose  our  company ;  in  fact, 
we  have  not  started  right  in  the  beginning,  but  we  cannot 
go  back,  and  do  over  what  is  already  done ;  therefore,  as 
our  religion  sanctions  the  moderate  use  of  those  things 
which  physiological  science  totally  rejects,  and  as  we  have 
always  indulged  in  the  same  worldly  habits  as  those  do 
who  make  no  professions  of  piety,  why  should  we  now,  at 
this  eleventh  hour,  object  to  cast  our  fortunes  with  dram- 
drinkers,  tobacco-indulgers,  money-seekers,  gluttons,  sen- 
sualists, warriors,  politicians  and  people  of  that  kidney? 
I  boldly  admit,  before  this  sacredly  secret  conclave,  that 
Dr.  Juno  is  right  in  the  sight  of  God  and  science  ;  but,  in 
the  sight  of  the  people,  he  is  wrong  ;  and  we  cannot  change 
tlie  people's  tastes  without  sacrificing  millions,  and  begin- 
ning with 'the  unborn  generations,  by  starting  communi- 
ties, as  Dr.  Juno  says,  and  in  those  communities  train  the 
young  to  lead  natural  ])hysiologieal  lives,  and  grow  them 
sound  in  body  and  mind,  before  they  increase  and  multiply 
<tnd  replenish  this  wicked  earth.    These  sentiments  I  have 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  161 

learned  recently  from  a  sermon,  that  I  had  reported,  which 
Dr.  Juno  delivered  in  his  own  hall ;  and,  whilst  I  must 
admit  the  soundness  of  his  doctrines,  I  say  that  such  views 
do  not  suit  the  elect ;  nay,  such  work  does  not  become  an 
old  established  sainthood,  which  has  always  called  upon 
God  for  all  its  wants  and  blessings ;  why,  brethren  and 
sisters,  such  teachings  would  ruin  us  body  and  soul ;  there- 
fore, I  say  we  require  to  be  a  unit  in  carrying  our  old 
established  work  fearlessly  ahead,  and  to  prevent  a  crisis  ; 
a  war  that  will  cause  our  downfall  with  the  only  source 
we  can  look  to  for  succor.  I  mean  the  people.  We  must 
remove  this  Dr.  Juno ;  this  vile  agitator  of  a  cause  that 
would  have  been  worthy  our  best  efforts  had  we  understood 
it  as  this  innovator  does." 

"May  I  ask  the  brother  a  question?"  said  Dr.  Toy 
Fancy. 

"  Certainly,"  responded  the  deacon. 

"  Well,  sir,  if  what  you  have  just  said  be  reallp  true,  would 
it  not  be  better  and  wiser  for  us  to  cease  our  erroneous  work, 
and,  instead  of  prosecuting  long  established  ungodly  usages, 
join  Dr.  Juno,  and  work  with  him ;  he  is  very  generous, 
most  benevolent,  and  would  forgive  any  injury,  if  asked  to 
do  so  ;  what  say  the  saints  V  " 

This  reckless  speech  of  Deacon  Eob  Stew,  and  the  propo- 
sition by  Dr.  Toy  Fancy,  caused  a  terrible  hubbub  amongst 
the  brotherhood,  which  resulted  in  a  furious  fight  with 
fists,  chairs  and  knives. 

CHAFTER  XXXVII. 

DR.    JTJNO  AGAIX  IN  THE  INSANE  ASYLUM. 


NSIDE  of  the  insane  asylum  blood  was  frequently 
shed  by  those  who  were  made  victims  by  the 
actions  of  the  sectarian  practices.  When  the 
physician-in-chief  entered  the  cell  of  General 
Washington  Armington,  the  general  was  talking  to  him- 
11 


162  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

self  for  several  minutes  before  he  took  notice  that  the  doc- 
tor was  present ;  but  the  moment  the  crazy  man  saw  his 
keeper,  or  doctor,  he  sprang  upon  him  like  an  infuriated 
tiend,  and  cried  aloud  : 

"■  You  are  one  of  them,"  which  fairly  unhinged  the  brave 
physician's  nerves,  and  caused  liim  lo  lose  his  presence  of 
mind,  wlien  the  general  tore  the  tlesh  from  his  face,  and 
caused  the  blood  to  fly  in  streams.  The  physician-in-chief 
screamed  terribly,  but  in  insane  asylums  there  is  so  much 
noise  made  by  the  inmates  that  no  one  who  was  close  at 
hand  took  any  notice  of  it ;  until  the  unlucky  doctor  cried 
in  a  very  boisterous  voice  : 

''George,  come  here,  quick;  I  am  being  murdered  by 
General  Armington."  George  was  the  keeper  of  the  ward, 
and  he  was  only  a  short  distance  from  the  general's  cell, 
therefore  heard  and  knew  the  doctor's  voice,  which  caused 
him  to  make  for  the  place  ;  and  when  he  reached  the  cell 
door,  behold  the  physician-in-chief  had  bolted  the  same 
and  let  the  key  remain  in  the  inside,  which  prevented 
George  from  unlocking  or  opening  the  only  passage  of 
access  to  the  place  where  the  crazy  general  was  sitting 
astride  the  physician-in-chief,  and  with  one  hand  and  his 
weighty  body  the  general  held  the  hands  of  the  doctor,  and 
with  the  other  hand  he  was  pounding  the  bleeding  physi- 
cian in  the  face  with  fiendish  fury,  whilst  the  crazy  gen- 
eral continually  cried  out : 

"  Give  me  my  daughter  I  give  me  my  daughter !  you 
fiend  !  you  fiend ! " 

"What  to  do  George  did  not  know  for  an  instant ;  but  he 
quickly  ran  toward  the  office  and  screamed  : 

"  Bring  help ;  bring  hammers  and  cold  chisels,  for  my 
master  is  being  murdered  by  General  Armington  !  " 

Instantly  dozens  of  the  help,  and  besides  innocent  luna- 
tics, rushed  to  the  spot  of  danger,  and  in  tliii'ty  minutes 
they  succeeded  in  forcing  the  stronghold  open  ;  all  this 
time  the  crazy  man  continued  pounding  the  doctor,  who 
was  nearly  exhausted  from  the  loss  of  blood  and  the  terri- 
ble bruises  which  he  received. 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND    LOVERS.  163 

They  grasped  the  general  and  ironed  him,  and  carried 
the  ahuost  murdered  doctor  to  his  office.  Medical  attend- 
ance was  bestowed  upon  him,  but  all  hope  of  restoration 
■was  well  nigh  abandoned.  He  sank  into  an  unconsious 
state,  and  remained  so  for  three  days,  when  he  seemed  to 
improve  very  rapidly,  and  in  several  weeks  he  was  able  to 
be  about  his  business  ;  but  he  always  gave  the  crazy  gen- 
eral a  wide  berth,  and  was  very  cautious  to  keep  him 
securely  locked  up. 

Dr.  Juno  learned  that  General  Washington  Armington 
was  confined  in  this  model  asylum,  and  he  was  very 
anxious  to  visit  him  ;  but  every  attempt  that  Dr.  Juno 
made  to  get  access  to  the  asylum  was  thwarted ;  until, 
finally,  he  got  acquainted  with  some  influential  public  men, 
and  through  their  instrumentality  he  was  granted  permis- 
sion to  visit  the  general. 

The  moment  the  latter  saw  Dr.  Juno,  he  began  to  weep 
and  moan  in  the  most  heart-rending  manner,  and  mum- 
bled: 

"  O  my  dear  son  !  where — where — where  is  my  daugh- 
ter?" 

Dr.  Juno  said  :  "  Noble  father,  I  have  done  my  utmost 
to  find  her;  still,  I  have  failed  to  learn  even  the  least 
traces  of  her  ;  but,  I  have  some  suspicion  that  she  is  not 
very  far  from  here." 

To  this  reply  the  general  made  no  answer,  but  repeated 
the  above  sentence  without  cessation.  Dr.  Juno  saw  that  the 
man  was  really  insane,  therefore  he  got  ready  to  leave  the 
asylum,  but  as  he  moved  toward  the  door  of  exit,  suddenly 
he  was  seized,  blindfolded  and  gagged. 


164  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

CHAPTER  XXXVIII. 

DEACON  STEW  FRANTIC  WITH  DELIRIUM. 


HE  riot  amongst  the  bloody  conspirators  in  Taber- 
nacle Hall  lasted  for  nearly  one  hour,  before 
anything  like  order  was  established.  The  prin- 
cipal party  that  was  being  assaulted  was  Deacon 
Eob  Stew  and  Rev.  Joe  Pier,  because  the  majority  were 
over-awed  time  and  again  by  these  two  great  leaders  ;  and 
Deacon  Stew  had  just  a  moment  previous  summarily 
chastised  a  brother  for  uttering  similar,  but  less  offensive, 
language.  The  deacon  even  threatened  that  brother,  and 
all  the  saints,  without  compassion,  with  the  penalty  of  the 
solemn  oath  and  fate  of  Harry  Gossimer,  the  apostate ; 
and  then  spoke  himself  in  the  most  reckless,  silly  and 
apostatic  manner  ;  when  the  Rev.  Joe  Pier  confirmed  the 
same  by  permitting  the  deacon  to  go  on,  until  Dr.  Toy 
Pancy  asked  him  a  question,  which  so  opened  the  deacon's 
eyes  as  to  almost  cause  them  to  start  from  their  sockets. 

Deacon  Rob  Stew  evidently  had  forgotten  himself  at  the 
time  he  uttered  those  words,  approving  the  course  and 
teachings  of  Dr.  Juno,  which  so  enraged  the  balance  of 
the  brotliers,  who  were  always  snubbed  and  chastised  by 
his  deaconship  if  they  made  the  least  slip  of  the  tongue, 
that  they  almost  killed  both  the  saintly  deacon  and  cow- 
ardly Reverend  President  Joe  Pier. 

Had  it  not  been  for  the  wise  and  dignified  I^ancy  Clover, 
these  two  tyrants  would  have  surely  had  their  beating 
hearts  torn  out  by  their  roots ;  but  Sister  Nancy  Clover 
evidently  considered  it  wisdom  to  permit  the  snubbed 
saints  to  thoroughly  beat  these  domineering  twain,  who 
became  rather  too  overbearing ;  and  when  she  thought 
they  had  enough,  she  mounted  the  President's  rostrum, 
and,  springing  into  the  chair,  cried  with  a  loud  but  digni- 
fied voice : 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND    LOVERS.  165 

"  Hold,  fellow  saints,  you  have  done  enough  of  this  for  the 
present.  I  wish  you  all  to  comprehend  that  neither  of  us 
can  be  benefited  by  fighting,  for  assuredly  ' a  Jiov.se  divided 
against  itself  must  fall,''  and  great  will  be  our  fall ;  you  are 
all  sure  of  that.  Then,  why  beat  and  abuse  these  zealous, 
hard-working  brethren,  who  have  devoted  more  time, 
money  and  mind  to  this  holy  work  of  sustaining  the  cause 
of  the  elect  than  this  whole  community  combined  ?  I  say 
justly,  therefore,  that  they  have  a  perfect  right  to  express 
themselves  more  freely  in  this  conclave  than  the  rest  of 
you.  Although  I  think  myself  that  Brother  Kob  Stew 
made  some  foolish  remarks ;  but  I  want  you,  and  him  also, 
to  understand  that  I  do  not  say  this  because  he  is  almost 
dead  by  the  thrashing  which  you  gave  him  and  Eev. 
Brother  Joe  Pier,  for  I  am  not  afraid  to  speak  my  senti- 
ments on  any  occasion. 

"As  Brothers  Stew  and  Pier  will  not  be  able  to  transact 
any  more  business  for  a  short  season,  I  propose  to  take  the 
floor,  if  Dr.  Toy  Pancy  will  take  the  chair,  after  the  sick 
brethren  are  removed  to  the  anti-chamber,  their  wounds 
dressed  by  the  doctor  and  each  made  comfortable," 

They  were  at  once  carefully  carried  into  the  handsomely 
furnished  anti-chamber  and  placed  on  separate  lounges. 
Deacon  Stew  was  beaten  so  badly  about  the  head  that  his 
mind  wandered  and  his  face  and  head  swelled  awfully. 
Eev.  Joe  Pier  was  not  so  much  hurt  on  the  head,  but  he 
complained  greatly  of  his  side,  and  lamented  as  follows, 
lest  he  should  die  : 

"  O  Lord !  O  Lord !  save  my  miserable  life  only  this 
time,  and  I  will  be  a  better  man  in  the  future  !  Indeed, 
indeed  I  will ;  therefore  save,  O  save  my  life  I " 

Sister  ilSTancy  Clover  made  a  slight  examination  of  the 
sufferers  after  the  doctor  had  dressed  their  wounds — 
and  when  Rev.  Joe  Pier  spied  his  beloved  Sister  Xancy,  he 
said  : 

"  O  holy  sister !  pray  for  me  ;  and  dear,  dear,  sweet  sister, 
tell  me,  b — o !— b — o — o !  do  you  think  I  will  die  from  this 
bruise^God  save  me  V  " 


166  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

"H"©,  Brother  Pier,  you  won't  die  ;  be  more  manly,  and 
you  will  soon  be  well  again,"  responded  Nancy  Clover. 

"Ten  thousand  thanks,  angel  sister;  your  charming 
voice  and  enchanting  words  always  thrill  my  heart  with 
joy,  and  cause  my  whole  physical  nature  to  warm  and 
strengthen.  I  am  much  better  already  by  your  ethereal 
power  ;  do  stay  by  my  side,  won't  you,  angel  of  my  soul  V  " 
sadly  said  the  awfully  pious  Rev.  Joe  Pier. 

"No,  sir,  I  cannot  remain  with  you,  for  I  must  go  to 
pacify  the  saints,  or  they  may  get  to  quarrelling  again,  and 
in  the  heat  of  passion  come  in  here  and  beat  you  worse 
than  before,"  exclaimed  Nancy  Clover. 

"  O  the  Lord  help  me  I  go  quick  and  prevent  them  from 
assaulting  me  again,"  said  he. 

"  I  will  do  so,  after  I  ask  the  deacon  how  he  is.  Brother 
Stew,  how  do  you  feel ;  are  you  conscious  of  what  is  going 
on  V  "  asked  Nancy  Clover ;  but  the  deacon  made  no  an- 
swer, when  the  queenly  saint  passed  into  the  hall,  and  after 
Dr.  Toy  Pancy  was  seated  in  the  chair,  she  spoke  as  fol- 
lows : 

"  Beloved  saints,  whilst  I  regret  very  much  that  this  war 
amongst  God's  elect  has  taken  place,  I  nevertheless  do  not 
doubt  but  what  He  so  willed  it ;  for  everything  is  pre- 
ordained, and  the  elect  may  anger  and  sin  not ;  this  has 
been  the  case  with  some  of  us  this  evening,  and  as  our 
worthy  president  and  more  worthy  deacon  are  lying  pro- 
bably on  their  death-beds,  we  should  pour  out  our  hearts 
to  God  in  humble  supplication  to  strengthen  us  in  love  and 
charity  for  the  saints. 

"  And  now,  as  I  feel  and  see  that  you  are  all  grieved  at 
heart  at  what  has  occurred,  I  am  free  to  say  that  we  can 
confide  in  one  another,  and  go  on  as  if  nothing  had  hap- 
pened. It  will  take  several  weeks'  careful  nursing  to 
restore  our  brethren,  and  in  the  meantime  I  propose  that 
we  unanimously  arouse  the  worldlings,  by  telling  them  of 
the  great  danger  that  hangs  now  over  them  on  account  of 
Dr.  Juno  preaching  and  spreading  forth  energetically  his 


THE   CONSPIRATOES    AND    LOVERS.  167 

I 
vulgar  natural  doctrines.    We  all  know  that  by  nature  we 
are  defiled  and  abased  ;  therefore,  to  me  his  teaching  of 
natural  things  is  repugnant  to  my  maiden  feelings  and 
inherent  saintly  modesty." 

At  this  moment  Deacon  Kob  Stew  staggered  into  the 
hall  in  a  demoniacal  manner,  and  proclaimed  damnation 
to  apostates  and  usurpers,  which  caused  a  furious  rush 
toward  him. 


CHAPTER  XXXIX. 

NANCY  CLOVER    MAKES  A  MASTER    SPEECH  TO  THE 
CONSPIRATORS. 

AD  it  not  happened  that  Sister  Nancy  Clover  had 
been  lecturing  the  belligerent  saints,  the  deacon  un- 
doubtedly would  have  been  killed  then  and  there  ; 
but  the  royal  sister  was  still  on  the  floor  when  the 
delirious  deacon  came  into  the  hall,  and  she  simply  waved 
them  back  with  her  hand,  and  ordered  the  sentinel  to  re- 
move him  to  his  lounge,  which  was  more,  however,  than 
one  man  could  do  ;  because,  delirious  people  are  always 
stronger  when  in  this  state  than  when  calm  ;  it  took  six 
men  to  carry  him  back  to  his  chamber.  Doctor  Fancy  was 
compelled  to  leave  the  chair  and  attend  to  the  deacon  ; 
Nancy  Clover,  therefore,  asked  a  meek  brother  to  act  as 
president  for  the  balance  of  the  evening,  when  she  con- 
tinued : 

"I  reiterate  that  it  is  vulgar  ;  in  fact,  bordering  on  the 
worst  form  of  obscenity  for  a  man  to  be  continually  preach- 
ing, lecturing  and  writing  on  natural  religion,  natural 
laws,  natural  improvement  of  the  race.  The  only  way  in 
which  the  race  can  be  improved  is  by  conversion,  by  faith 
in  tlie  atoning  blood  and  by  the  grace  of  God.  The  elect 
saints  receive  all  tlie  grace  that  God  designed  for  his 
chosen  people,  and  as  we  are  so  blessed,  as  we  are  the  elect 


168  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

who  cannot  sin,  therefore  in  our  hands  all  things  are  pu- 
rilied. 

"•  AVe  have  a  right  from  on  high,  through  the  grace  of 
Christ,  to  use  everything  that  we  see,  and  use  it  as  we 
please.  But,  what  riglit  have  the  non-elect  to  the  king- 
dom of  God,  and  to  the  rights  and  privileges  that  are  only 
vouchsafed  unto  us  V  We,  as  the  chosen  people  of  the 
Lord,  have  a  perfect  right  to  use  these  people  to  our 
liking ;  hence,  I  say,  why  not  conspire  with,  or  solicit  our 
enemies,  or  slaves — 1  mean  the  giddy  worldlings,  such  as 
tipplers,  rogues,  politicians,  or  whoever  or  whatever  they 
are — to  join  us  ;  because,  they  were  born  for  our  use  ;  they 
and  their  everything  belong  to  us  ;  then,  what  scruples 
can  we  have  to  get  them  to  fight  as  our  allies,  to  subdue 
and  annihilate  all  innovators  ?  And  this  Dr.  Juno  is  the 
only  dangerous  man  that  lives  ;  because  he  endeavors  to 
give  a  new  and  scientific  explanation  of  the  Holy  Bible, 
and  by  that  new  interpretation  he  proves  to  his  hearers  and 
readers  that  the  Bible  and  science  agree,  a  thing  that  can- 
not be  ;  or,  if  such  would  be  the  case,  then  oui-  holy  reli- 
gion surely  could  not  be  sound. 

"AVe  need  not  dread  any  innovators  who  denounce  the 
Holy  Bible  as  being  a  fallible  work ;  because  they  can 
easily  be  cried  downi  by  us  ;  but  this  audacious  Juno  takes 
our  own  instrument  of  salvation,  and  endeavors  to  explain 
every  portion  of  it  upon  fixed  natural  principles ;  upon 
principles  that  the  natural  man  and  carnal  mind  can  un- 
derstand, as  people  comprehend  the  multiplication  table. 

"Xow,  brethren  and  sisters,  I  want  your  vote  upon  tliis 
question  :  do  you  not  think  tliat,  if  Dr.  Juno  can  make  the 
natural  man  understand  that  the  teachings  of  the  Divine 
Master  are  only  the  teachings  of  nature,  or  the  teachings 
of  a  natural  law,  that  our  holy  cause  will  be  esteemed  as  a 
boefus  one  ?  All  those  who  believe  in  the  aflRrmative  please 
rise  to  their  feet  and  say  '  /.' 

"Tlie  entire  saintliood  unanimously  agree  with  me. 
Then,  again,  does  not  our  sainthood  suffer  more  from  such 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  169 

a  man  as  Dr.  Juno  than  from  all  the  balance  of  infidels, 
atheists,  heretics,  Avorldlings  and  agitators  of  isms  and 
schisms  combined  V  Those  who  think  so,  please  rise  and 
say  'I,'  as  before.  Again  unanimous,"  continued  she; 
"  and  as  such  we  shall  set  ourselves  individually  and  col- 
lectively to  work,  to-morrow,  to  urge  all  classes  to  aid  us 
in  subduing  Dr.  Juno." 

Voices  rang  out  vociferously  from  all  parts  of  the  hall : 
"Hear!  hear!" 

The  physician-in-chief  of  the  insane  asylum  rose  and 
said : 

"  I  did  not  expect  to  make  any  remarks  this  evening,  but 
things  have  taken  such  a  peculiar  turn  that  I  wish  to  express 
my  views  on  tlie  appropriate  remarks  of  our  excellent 
Sister  Nancy  Clover.  Should  her  counsel  be  rigidly  heeded 
by  every  individual  of  this  brotherhood,  I  am  sure  victory 
would  crowai  our  efforts. 

"  I  see  a  great  deal  of  danger  breeding,  and  although 
those  who  are  now  in  high  offices,  as  well  as  the  evangelical 
ministers  and  standard  medical  doctors,  are  our  friends ; 
but  these  are  nothing  compared  with  the  masses  of  the 
people  ;  and  once  let  a  furore  be  made  in  favor  of  Dr.  Juno, 
and  you  will  see  what  one  man  can  do,  who  is  bad,  bold 
and  indomitable  like  he. 

"It  has  always  been  one  mind  that  moved  the  masses. 
Look  at  Napoleon  I.,  and  from  time  immemorial  the  fear- 
less agitator  of  reform  or  deform,  by  perseverance,  gained 
his  end  ;  because  a  lie  often  repeated  becomes  a  truth  in 
the  estimation  of  the  masses  of  the  people.  And  we  cer- 
tainly should  not  be  blind  to  the  fact  that  it  was  a  bad 
move  to  have  given  Dr.  Juno  an  open  trial  in  the  Court  of 
Sessions,  and  permit  his  friends  to  publish  the  same  in 
pamphlet  form  to  the  world  ;  because  the  people  are  always 
crazy  to  read  sensational  matters  ;  therefore,  the  sale  of  his 
book  on  the  *■  Physiology  of  Marriage  '  lias  been  greatly  in- 
creased, and  the  masses  of  the  people  say  it  is  just  the  book 
they  need  and  want  to  enlighten  them  how  to  prevent  the 


170  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

various  domestic  ailments,  wliich  injures  botli  the  business 
of  our  medical  profession  and  that  of  the  ministers ;  be- 
cause he  reasons  in  that  book  that  man  must  and  can 
become  his  own  saviour,  by  learning  and  returning  to  the 
laws  of  nature — a  thing  that  is  very  absurd  ;  but,  never- 
theless, such  heresy  suits  the  non-elect,  who  are  very 
greatly  in  the  majority,  and  whose  attention  has  been 
riveted  to  the  name  of  Dr.  Juno,  through  that  open  trial, 
conviction  and  imprisonment  of  the  innovator. 

"Our  people  have  made  a  martyr  of  him,  is  the  cry 
everywhere,  except  among  the  elect  and  a  few  others. 
Now,  I  have  closely  watched  all  the  plans  that  have  been 
laid  and  discussed  to  disgrace,  ruin  and  kill  him  ;  but  tliere 
is  one  excellent  method,  of  branding  him  as  an  abortionist, 
that  no  one  has  thought  of;  and  it  must  be  known  that 
even  the  masses  of  the  non-elect  despise  and  detest  abor- 
tionists ;  in  sooth,  they  are  murderers. 

"Here  is  my  plan:  The  druggists  who  can  be  trusted 
will  manufacture  specific  pills  for  producing  abortion,  and 
label  them,  Dr.  Juno^s  Female  Regulating  Pills  ;  and  if  these 
druggists  do  not  desire  to  sell  them  to  the  people  them- 
selves, they  can  introduce  them  to  the  patent  medicine 
trade,  and  then  get  up  a  talk  that  Dr.  Juno  is  manufactur- 
ing and  selling  specific  abortion  pills,  which  are  sold  pub- 
licly by  that  class  of  druggists  who  deal  in  patent  medicines, 

"•  Three  birds  will  be  killed  by  one  stone  in  so  doing  : — 
First,  the  manufacturers  will  make  a  great  deal  of  money 
on  these  pills  at  Dr.  Juno's  expense,  and  through  his  noto- 
riety ;  secondly^  the  patent  medicine  dealers,  who  are  none 
of  the  standard  bearers,  will  be  despised  and  disreputably 
touclied  up  ;  and,  thirdly^  tlie  celebrated  (V)  Dr.  Juno  will 
get  a  fame  as  the  great  abortionist,  which  will  be  as  good 
as  stabbing  him  to  the  heart  in  the  estimation  of  the  mil- 
lions, who  heniiglit  chain  and  charm  without  this  stigma." 

"  Noble  thoughts,  brother ;  worthy  the  esteem  of  tlie 
whole  sainthood,  and  I  hoi)e  that  several  of  our  faithful 
druggists  will  be  selected  instantly,  who  are  here  present, 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  171 

as  a  committee  of  operation  ;  because  the  plan  is  excellent, 
and  if  brothers  Stew  and  Pier  were  well  enough  to  compre- 
hend it,  they  would  cheerfully  cry  yea  and  amen  to  this 
most  cunning  little  game.'  Brother,  you  have  my  heart- > 
felt  thanks  for  these  holy  thoughts.  I  move  then  that  the 
president  pro  tern,  will  appoint  tlie  three  brother  druggists, 
whom  I  see  in  the  hall,  as  a  committee  to  manufacture  and 
motion  these  pills  into  circulation,"  said  Sister  Nancy 
Clover. 

"I  second  that  motion,"  responded  a  brother. 

"All  right !  "  exclaimed  several  voices  ;  and,  just  as  the 
president  pro  tem.  had  announced  the  names  of  this  com- 
mittee. Dr.  Toy  Fancy  entered  the  hall  with  a  downcast 
expression,  and  said,  solemnly  : 

"I  fear  Deacon  Stew,  the  beloved,  is  expiring." 


CHAPTER  XL. 

DR.  JUNO,   PAT  O 'CONNER  AND    JUDY    M'CREA  IN 
PRIVATE    COUNCIL. 

ilN  the  insane  asylum,  after  Dr.  Juno  was  seized 
and  gagged,  a  consultation  of  the  managers  was 
held  to  devise  plans  what  to  do  with  him ;  some 
wanted  him  confined  again  in  his  old  dungeon, 
but  the  physician-in-chief  said  : 

"  Since  Deacon  Hob  Stew  and  Rev.  Joe  Pier  are  lying  at 
the  point  of  death,  and  from  the  fact  that  an  influential 
person  caused  .Tuno's  permission  to  visit  General  Arming- 
ton,  I  esteem  it  highly  imprudent  to  retain  him,  or  even 
harm  him  in  any  manner." 

''  But  what  can  we  do  with  him,  now  that  we  have  had 
him  thus  summarily  seized  and  gagged  ?  "  said  another. 

"  That  may  be  bad  for  us,  because  he  may  go  out  and 
expose  us,"  responded  a  third  party. 
"  Yes,  and  I  heard  him  say  to  General  Armington  that 


172  THE   SOCIAL    WAR    OF    1900;    OR, 

he  suspicioned  that  Miss  Armington  was  confined  not  far 
from  tlie  general's  cell,"  said  another. 

''I  wonder  if  he  really  believes  her  to  be  in  our  posses- 
sion ;  if  he  does,  I  dread  the  consequences  should  we  let 
him  off  now  ;  any  way,  we  dare  not  retain  him  in  custody  ; 
but,  I  have  it — some  of  the  keepers  can  free  Dr.  Juno  from 
his  present  shackles,  and  feign  great  anger  and  surprise  at 
discovering  tliis  assault  on  him,  stating  that  it  was  the  in- 
nocent lunatics  who  did  it,  that  are  permitted  to  run  loose 
in  that  ward,  and  who  were  very  grievously  annoyed  when, 
a  short  time  since,  General  Armington  assaulted  and 
almost  killed  the  physician-in-chief.  They  evidently  con- 
cluded that  Dr.  Juno  was  a  friend  to  the  general,  and 
therefore  took  it  into  their  heads  to  grab  him— this  will 
explain  the  matter  satisfactory  to  Dr.  Juno,  especially  if 
caution  is  exercised  and  great  innocence  assumed.  Go 
then  and  do  this  instantly,  for  every  moment  will  aggra- 
vate the  matter ;  and  should  he  say,  '  Why  did  the  officers 
not  then  and  there  stop  them  from  this  outrage  V '  say  that 
the  latter  were  afraid  to  do  so  without  assistance,  which 
they  now  come  to  offer,"  said  the  i)hysician-in-cliief. 

Dr.  Juno  was  at  once  relieved,  and  the  foregoing  expla- 
nation was  made  ;  but  he  said  : 

"  That  is  curious,"  and  looked  as  if  he  had  great  doubts 
about  the  matter.  He  did  not  say  anything  more,  but  he 
thought :  "  How  is  this  ;  I  cannot  understand  exactly  wliy 
they  should  seize  and  gag  me  one  moment  and  free  me  the 
next  ':*  That  apology  about  the  innocent  lunatics  was  a 
lame  one,  Avhicli  will  not  go  down  with  me.  I  think  they 
had  fully  intended  to  again  cast  me  into  that  cell,  or  pro- 
bably mvn-der  me,  but  they  are  commencing  to  fear  my  in- 
fluence. Wait,  boys,  a  little  longer,  and  provided  I  live,  if 
I  do  not  bring  your  shanty  down,  I  am  a  fool,  and  thereby 
free  my  darling  Lucinda,  who,  I  am  now  more  than  ever 
convinced,  is  incarcerated  in  some  secret  cell  in  this  hell- 
hole ! 

"  If  I  only  knew  some  one  that  was  acquainted  with  this 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  173 

place,  or  who  knows  any  of  the  servants  in  this  asylum. 
The  Armingtons  are  all  in  this  place,  but  there  is  Pat 
O'Conner  and  Judy  McCrea,  who  may  know  what  I  want 
to  know  ;  I  will  instantly  go  to  Pat  O 'Conner  and  question 
him ;  however,  he  seemed  to  shun  me  on  previous  occa- 
sions ;  but  that  evidently  was  through  fear  of  the  bloody 
conspirators ;  however,  I  can  try  him.  I  will  see  him 
privately,  and,  if  he  only  fears  exposure,  and  has  no  other 
feelings  against  me,  he  will  aid  and  enlighten  me  all  he 
can." 

lie  went  in  disguise  that  very  night,  about  ten  o'clock, 
to  Pat  O'Conner's  residence  and  asked  to  see  him  ;  Judy 
came  to  the  door  and  said  that  Pat  would  be  in  in  a  few 
minutes,  "would  he  take  a  sate  an'  wate  V  " 

"Yes,  ma'am,"  said  the  doctor,  and  asked,  "Are  you 
Judy  McCrea  V  " 

"  I  bees  that  lady,"  she  replied. 

"  Do  you  and  Pat  O 'Conner  live  alone  in  this  large  house 
since  the  general  is  in  the  insane  asylum?"  asked  the 
doctor. 

"  Yis,  sir,  we  do  ;  an'  is  thare  anyting  morer  that  ye  lik 
to  know  ?  "  interposed  Judy,  rather  angrily. 

"  There  is  something  more,  Judy ;  I  love  your  lost 
Mistress  Lucinda,  and  I  have  news  for  you,  and  I  came 
here  to  ask  you  and  Pat  to  assist  me,  if  you  can,  to  relieve 
her  from  her  cruel  imprisonment  " — 

"  Och,  howly  Moses  !  an'  who  be  ye  ;  fur  what  I  knows 
ye  may  be  atryin'  to  git  meself  an'  Pat  darlin'  into 
trouble  V  "  interrupted  Judy. 

"I  am  Dr.  Juno,  your  friend,  in  disguise,"  said  he,  and 
removing  his  disguise  proved  to  Judy  the  truth  of  his 
assertion. 

"Tanks  to  the  Lord!  fur  acomin'  to  sea  us,  fur  Pat 
"wanted  to  sea  ye  badly  ;  but  he  was  afeard  to  go  where  ye 
was,  fur  he  was  adreadin'  them  bluddy  divils  !  "  responded 
Judy,  overcome  with  such  vehement  joy  that  she  laughed 
and  cried  at  once. 


174  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

At  this  moment  Pat  O'Conner  entered  the  house,  when 
Judy  called  to  him  : 

'•  Pat,  darlin',  air  ye  be  yerself  alone  ?  " 

"  Yis,  Judy,  me  darlin',"  said  Pat. 

"  Thin,  com  in,,  som  one  ye  know  bees  here,"  she  ejacu- 
lated. 

'*  God  bless  ye,  good  Dochter  Juno,  but  I'se  glad  to  see 
ye ;  an'  do  ye  know  anyting  ov  our  mishtress  an'  mashter  V  " 
choking  with  delight,  said  Pat. 

"  Yes,  sir,  faithful  Pat,  I  have  been  to  see  the  general  in 
the  insane  asylum,  and  found  him  really  insane,  but  I 
could  not  learn  anything  of  Miss  Lucinda  Armington ; 
however,  I  sincerely  believe  that  she  also  is  imprisoned  in 
that  place,  not  for  insanity,  but  for  having  been  my  friend. 
I  came  to  see  you  particularly  to  inquire,  if  you  can  give 
me  any  information  in  any  way  of  the  dark  deeds  of  these 
bloody  people  ?  "  exclaimed  Dr.  Juno. 

"An'  shure,  yer  noble  sir,  I  kin  give  ye  sich  infurmation, 
ef  ye  kin  manage  not  tow  tell  on  me,"  said  Pat. 

"Certainly,  good  Pat,  I  would  not  expose  j'ou,"  said  he, 
"because  tliat  would  ruin  everything;  we  must  work  in 
secret  as  well  as  they,  or  we  cannot  save  our  dear  friends 
and  benefactors  ;  I  mean  Miss  Lucinda  and  her  father  " — 

"An'  shure,  ye  air  right,"  interrupted  Pat,  "an'  I  will 
tell  ye,  tliat  I  knows  this  many  a  day  that  ye  were  confined 
in  that  divil  ov  a  dunjon,  an'  that  our  mishtress  be  caged 
in  one  ov  them  tird  story  cells  ov  that  plaze." 

"  Pat,  you  say  you  hnoio  it ;  but,  can  you  inform  me  Jiow 
you  know  this  V  "  asked  he. 

"  Yis,  sir,  I'll  tell  ye  how  I  knows  it ;  Jemmy,  me  frind, 
what  is  now  in  the  Penitentiary,  was  a  overseer  widin  that 
asylum,  an'  Judy  and  meself  tould  Jemmy  to  hunt  fur  ye 
an'  our  mislitress,  an'  he  did  so  an'  found  ye  both  ;  an'  he 
tould  me  that  he  would  let  ye  both  out,  ef  he  could,  an'  I 
tink  he  was  cought  adoin'  they  work,  an'  that  is  why  these 
divils  put  him  into  the  prison,"  said  Pat,  very  much  dis- 
tressed. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  175 

"  O  Lord  !  O  Lord  !  Pat,  I  have  it  all  now  in  my  mind. 
Jemmy  opened  my  cell  and  was  the  sole  cause  of  my  escape 
from  that  liell-hole." 

"  Was  he,  bedad  '!*  I  tould  Judy  I  belaved  he  had  to  do 
wid  yer  escape,"  said  Pat,  half  crazy  with  joy.  "  But  will 
ye  not  do  somethin'  quickerer  than  lightnin'  to  git  my 
swate  mishtress  outer  ov  that  divil  ov  a  plaze  V  " 

"  Yes,  sir,  I  will  do  that  just  as  soon  as  I  can  gather  suf- 
ficient people  and  influence  around  me  to  do  it  success- 
fully ;  but  it  would  be  foolish  to  try  sooner  and  fail ;  much 
better  keep  everything  quiet  until  I  am  strong  enough  to 
strike  a  fatal  blow.  I  will  get  a  permit  from  the  Governor 
of  the  Commonwealth  to  visit  Jemmy  in  the  Penitentiary, 
and  will  learn  particulars,"  said  Dr.  Juno. 

"  Och,  murdher !  an'  ye  knows  how  to  work  them  cur- 
mudgon.  An'  I  have  morer  to  tell  ye,  ov  tings  I  knows," 
responded  Pat. 

"  Well,  sir,  now  is  your  time  to  speak ;  and  it  is  very 
necessary  for  me  to  get  all  the  information  instantly  that 
it  is  possible  for  me  to  receive,"  said  he. 

"I'll  tell  ye  ;  I  saved  a  man's  life  what  was  agoin'  to  be 
drowned  in  the  deep  sea  by  these  bluddy  divils  ;  an'  jist  as 
we,  Mishter  Harry  Gossimer  an'  meself,  rached  the  warf, 
begorrah,  we  were  both  arrested — Judy,  darlin',  I  hears  a 
knock  on  the  doore  ;  dochtor,  plaze  git  into  this  closet," 
ejaculated  Pat. 

CHAPTER  XLI. 

DR.   JTJXO'S    STUNNING    SERMON  ON  THE  IMPROVEMENT 
OF    CHURCH  AND   STATE. 

tELOYED  FRIENDS  :— Until  church  and  state 
(in  my  sense  of  what  the  church  is)  become  one, 
and  an  indivisible  institution,  there  can  be  no 
perpetually  natural  or  Christian  government  es- 
tablished, where  God's  will  "will  be  done  in  earth  as  it  is 


176  THE  SOCIAL   "WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

in  heaven;"  nor  can  peace  and  goodwill  reign  between 
the  children  of  His  footstool.  Before  being  able  to  eluci- 
date this  subject  scientihcally,  it  behooves  me  to  show  you 
tliat  Church  and  State  simply  aim  at  government— the  gov- 
ernment of  mankind  ;  but  before  mankind  can  be  governed 
aright,  each  one  must  first  learn  to  understand  God's  fixed 
law,  that  was  ordained  for  man's  government,  and  he  must 
then  be  able  to  govern  himself,  and  that  fixed  law  is  his 
king,  which  he  must  obey,  or  suffer  the  penalties  that  are 
sure  to  follow  all  violations  of  the  Creator's  immutable  in- 
junctions. 

Now,  then,  look  at  Church  and  State  as  they  are  con- 
ducted at  this  age,  whether  in  this  or  any  other  country, 
and  you  will  see  that  both  are  anti-Christ  and  anti-natural 
institutions.  They  are  like  a  perfect  fruit  tree  that  has 
been  split  in  two,  and  each  half  hacked  to  pieces  by  the 
woodman  ;  and  whilst  nothing  but  God's  fixed  law  can 
sustain  and  again  heal  the  tree  ;  it  therefore  behooves  the 
governor  of  treehood  to  return  to  this  unchangeable  scien- 
tific law  of  the  Creator,  and  thereby  bring  into  existence  a 
new  stock,  stem,  blossom  and  fruit,  the  latter  of  which 
will  contain  good  seed,  which,  when  planted  in  new  earth, 
produces  a  new  heaven  on  terra  firma,  when  love  to  God 
and  love  to  man  would  be  the  only  statute  that  would  be 
necessary  for  the  government  of  all  peoples  and  all  nations  ; 
and  thus,  indeed,  the  millennium  would  be  established, 
and  stupid  sects  and  wicked  political  parties  would  be 
esteemed  by  the  sons  and  daughters  erf  earth  as  mean,  low 
•and  vulgar. 

Thus,  Parliament,  Congress  and  State  Legislatures  would 
be  useless  institutions,  and  the  ruinous  business  of  continu- 
ally, much  and  often  voting,  by  a  people  who  know  not  a  whit 
of  the  fixed  law  of  a  Christ-like  government,  would  cease  to 
exist,  whilst  love  to  God  and  man  should  drive  selfishness 
from  the  heart  of  mankind,  and  the  infallibility  and  benefi- 
cence of  God  would  be  recognized  by  every  human  mind ;  and 
the  following  divine  mandates  would  be  heeded  :  That  He 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  177 

allows  the  sun  to  shine  and  rain  fall  upon  all  alike,  and 
that  no  one  brings  anything  into  the  world,  nor  takes  any- 
thing out  of  it  that  is  carnal.  On  the  contrary,  let  me 
briefly  picture  to  you  the  heathen  barbarity  that  the  people 
practise  upon  one  another  as  Church  and  State  move  now, 
or  have  done  since  the  fall  of  man,  or  since  ''money  "  and 
"  voting  "  have  been  the  cardinal  virtues  of  the  govern- 
ment of  this  whole  machine  of  human  affairs. 

The  Church  as  now  conducted  (including  all  sects)  is  an 
institution  that  throws  all  the  responsibility  of  misman- 
aged government  of  body,  soul  or  spirit,  upon  the  blessed 
and  immutable  Creator  of  all  things ;  an  institution  that 
recognizes  no  unalterable  science  of  life  in  its  tenets  ;  an 
institution  that,  in  its  short-sightedness,  has  inscribed 
upon  its  banner,  ''  believe  and  be  saved,''^  whilst  it  overlooks 
the  multitudinous  injunctions  of  God,  Nature  and  Jesus 
Christ,  that  point  with  the  finger  of  science  to  "good 
works,"  by  which  all  are  to  let  their  "light  shine  befoie 
men."  These  "  good  works  "  consist  in  the  government  of 
thinking  beings,  so  that  they  understand,  appreciate  and 
live  the  natural  life  that  Christ  himself  led,  showing  that 
although  one  has  "  no  place  where  to  lay  his  head,"  still  he 
would  continue  faithful  to  the  end. 

An  institution  that  builds  brick-and-mortar  houses,  and 
dedicates  or  devotes  them  to  God,  instead  of  its  devotees 
devoting  themselves — body,  soul  and  spirit — to  God,  as  Jesus 
did  ;  and  instead  of  establishing  one  universal  Catholic 
Church,  which  is  composed  of  all  the  fixed  laws  and  won- 
derful works  of  God,  it  splits  the  Church  of  Christ  into  hun- 
dreds of  contemptible,  ignorant,  bigoted,  narrow-minded 
sects,  whose  dupes  make  excellent  fodder  for  politicians, 
legislators,  governors  and  petty  office-seekers,  who  contrive 
to  run  the  State  or  States  to  suit  their  opinions,  tastes  and 
fet4ings. 

An  institution  whose  ministers  or  apostles  sell  out  to  the 
highest  lucre  bidders,  like  all  tlie  voters  in  State ;  hence, 
love  the  "uppermost  seats  at  feasts,"  and  who  do  not  de- 
12 


178  THE   SOCIAL   WAR  OF    1900;   OR, 

spise  to  be  called  of  men  ''  Rabbi ;  "  who  do  not  "  first  seek 
the  kingdom  of  God,"  in  the  fixed  laws  and  wonderful 
wtnks  of  God ;  because  tlaeir  prayer-hearing  master  is  as 
cluingeable  and  fickle  as  their  opinions  and  i)erverted  pro- 
pensities are  variable  ;  thus,  there  is  no  one  king,  but  each 
can  be  saved  by  "  believing  "  and  dictating  to  his  secta- 
rian, money  and  voting  god  what  he  wants  or  needs  in  the 
shape  of  grace,  and  the  little  trifles  that  each  peculiar  sect 
approves. 

Ji'\  institution  that  inculcates  nothing  whereby  the  blood 
and  body  of  mankind  would  be  improved  in  physiological 
quality,  thereby  reseml)ling  tlie  pure  blood  and  body  of 
Jesus  Christ ;  but,  their  sectarian,  lucre  and  voting  god 
rectifies  all  these  little  physical  matters,  if  faith  and 
prayer  are  kept  agoing. 

An  institution  that  spurns  the  fixed  laws  of  generation 
and  regeneration  ;  because  its  devotees  love  all  sorts  of 
good,  palatable  things,  wherewith  a  little  physical  pleasure 
can  be  drawn  out  of  these  palaces  of  the  believers,  and  by 
blarneying  their  god  a  little  he  purifies  the  blood  by  wash- 
ing it  in  the  pool  of  faith,  prayer  and  voting. 

An  institution  whose  devotees  need  not  make  any  change 
in  their  habits  that  pertain  to  physical  pei-fection  ;  because 
faith,  prayer  and  voting  changes  the  heart  and  purifies  the 
soul,  even  if  the  body  is  rotten. 

An  institution  that  spits  God  in  the  face,  mocks  Jesus 
Christ,  defies  natural  fixed  law  and  crucifies  and  martyrs 
the  benefactors  of  the  human  race.  Look  at  my  persecu- 
tors, the  midnight  cut-throats,  the  bloody  conspiratoi-s, 
the  companions  of  the  right-hand  imps  of  the  devil.  These 
are  parents  of  the  sectarian  Church. 

An  institution  whose  cunning  leaders  laugh  into  their 
sleeves  when  they  can  dupe  and  mislead  millions  of  sincere 
people,  who,  if  they  had  an  opportunity  to  learn  the  laws 
that  govern  God's  kingdom  in  heaven  and  earth,  w^ould 
freely  embrace  the  hallowed,  immutable  and  beneficent 
gifts  of  the  Creator,  and  become  the  followers  of  Jesus 
Christ  in  word  and  in  deed. 


THE   COXSPIRATORS   A^TD   LOVERS.  179 

An  institution  whose  members  and  hangers-on  are 
moved  by  some  kind  of  gain  ;  yes,  gain  that  has  no  signifi- 
cance to  the  attainment  of  heavenly  glory ;  but,  gain  in 
wealth,  influence,  sensuality,  fashion,  folly,  domineering 
and  the  dainty  deviltries  that  are  pleasingly  hid  under  a 
sanctimonious  and  hypocritical  exterior  ;  and  which  so 
adorn  the  elect  for  the  more  effectual  dispensation  of  non- 
sense to  their  gulled  hearers.  From  all  such  pharisaical 
and  anti-Christ  acts,  good  Lord  deliver  us. 


CHAPTER  XLII. 

DR.   JUNO'S   SCATHING   SERMON  CONTINUED. 

|HE  State,  as  now  conducted,  is  an  institution 
where  cunning  men  mislead  and  make  drunk, 
with  rum  and  flowery,  meaningless  logic,  the 
masses  of  the  voters,  who  are  esteemed  by  the 
wily  scoundrels  good  fellows  when  voting  is  to  be  done  to 
elevate  them  to  positions  which  they  yearn  to  usurp,  that 
they  may  rob  the  cliildren  of  earth  of  lucre  and  of  their  in- 
alienable religious  or  natural  liberties. 

An  institution  that  places  haughty  cut-throats  and 
wholesale  thieves  into  the  offices  of  trust  of  the  govern- 
ment ;  who  love  filthy  lucre,  Moaes''  seat,  the  uppermost  seats 
at  feasts  and  prejudice  more  than  God,  Xature,  Man  or 
Jesus  Christ. 

An  institution  that  can  place  a  Judge  Sanctiblower  on 
the  judicial  bencli,  whose  prejudice  and  malice  far  excel 
his  virtue  and  wisdom  ;  and  who  can  be  pompous  and 
elated  over  those  who  honestly,  and  by  hard  labor,  earn 
the  money  which  he  steals  unmeritoriously  from  the  cof- 
fers of  the  state  treasury. 

An  institution  that  bribes  its  Legislators  to  enact  laws 
to  suit  the  Pharisees  and  wholesale  thieves,  that  they  may 
continue  to  control  the  filthy  lucre,  and  domineer  and  en- 
slave the  innocent,  poor  and  confiding. 


180  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

An  institution  tliat  drives  thousands  into  the  broad  road 
tliat  leads  to  hell ;  impoverishes  the  millions  at  the  glory 
of  the  few  ;  drives  many,  thereby,  to  commit  crime,  who 
are  compelled  to  steal  or  starve  ;  and  builds  prisons,  peni- 
tentiaries, insane  asylums  and  poor  houses,  for  which  the 
poor  are  taxed  to  pay  for  the  erection  and  sustenance  of 
these  hell-holes,  into  which  they  are  cast  for  acts  and  con- 
ditions over  which  they  had  no  control,  and  there  to  ache 
out  a  more  miserable  existence ;  whilst  the  popular 
cut-throats  and  wholesale  thieves  revel  in  wealth  and 
power. 

An  institution  that  spurns  those  whom  the  beloved 
Jesus  came  to  heal  and  save,  and  in  the  government  of 
which  institution  Christ  himself,  should  he  return  to 
earth,  could  not  get  a  voice  or  position,  unless  he  would 
denounce  all  his  former  teachings  and  turn  scribe,  phari- 
see,  hypocrite  and  robber  of  men's  rights  to  live,  breathe, 
feel,  think  and  act  as  nature  and  nature's  God  demand. 

An  institution  that  is  founded  upon  error,  and  improved 
by  the  votes  of  the  drunken  rabble,  who  will  sell  their 
birthright  for  a  mess  of  pottage,  or  a  drink  of  rum. 

An  institution  that  sustains  its  paramour — the  sectarian 
church — as  long  as  the  latter  plays  into  the  former's  cof- 
fers, and  breeds  enough  dupes  to  fill  the  field  of  state  with 
deteriorated  voters.  That  the  majority  may  rule,  although 
Christ  says  :  "  Narrow  is  the  way  which  leadeth  unto  life, 
and  few  there  be  that  find  it ; "  Avhilst,  "  Wide  is  the  gate, 
and  broad  is  the  way,  that  leadeth  to  destruction,  and 
many  there  be  who  go  in  thereat." 

Therefore,  gainsay  my  doctrines,  if  you  dare,  by  scan- 
ning the  subject  from  any  standpoint. 

Again,  I  assert,  and  defy  contradiction,  by  theory  or 
practice,  that  a  rei)ublican  government  that  divides  Cliurch 
and  State,  and  permits  the  i^harisees,  wilful  and  ignorant 
sinners,  to  rule  it,  is  a  perfect  failure.  As  an  examjjle, 
look  at  our  own  American  Republic  ;  is  it  not  the  meanest 
monarchy,  filthy  lucre  monarchy  and  most  thieving  and 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND   LOVERS.  181 

profligate  tyranny  on  the  globe  ?  Certainly,  it  is  not  a 
government  of  an  Eden  nor  Paradise,  where  clear-headed, 
clean-blooded  and  graceful  people  govern  themselves  and 
one  another  according  to  the  injunctions  of  Christ,  God 
or  Nature.  However,  I  cannot  ask  this  sectarian  and 
political  people  to  jump  from  their  anti-Christ,  anti-natu- 
ral, drunken,  money-grabbing  and  hoarding  condition  into 
a  state  of  Eden  gladness ;  because,  to  ask  this  would  be 
throwing  "pearls  before  swine,"  and  they  would  trample 
them  under  foot  and  turn  around  and  rend  me,  as  the 
bloody  conspirators  have  already  tried  their  best  to  do. 

But  I  shall  propose,  as  the  first  and  foremost  thing  to  be 
done  to  bring  about  the  day  of  the  Millennium,  is  to  so 
change  the  Constitution  of  our  Government  as  to  make  it 
a  crime  for  any  person  to  own  more  than  ten  thousand 
dollars. 

That  the  nation  shall  have  a  treasury,  into  which  all 
monies  over  and  above  ten  thousand  dollars  of  ea'^h  owner 
shall  be  placed,  without  interest ;  but  that  for  all  suras  of 
lucre  that  any  person  shall  put  into  the  treasury,  he  or  she 
shall  receive  a  deed  for  such  amount  or  amounts,  and,  if 
he  or  she  should  at  any  time  have  an  increase  of  family,  or 
be  unfortunate  in  life,  he  or  she,  or  his  or  her  heirs,  may 
draw  out  again  the  principal  of  all  that  he  or  she  has 
placed  into  the  treasury.  The  treasury  shall  provide 
necessary  labor  for  each  man  and  woman  who  is  not  al  ile 
to  take  care  of  himself  or  herself  ;  that  no  one  shall  fail  to 
do  his  or  her  share  of  work  who  is  not  independent ;  and 
idling  and  vagrancy  shall  be  punished  by  incarceration  in 
the  physiological  institution,  where  farming  and  all  the 
necessary  trades  shall  be  carried  on  on  healthful  prin- 
ciples. 

After  the  machine  of  a  Christ-like  govermnent  will  be 
carried  on  in  this  way  for  one  or  two  centuries,  the  Holy 
Ghost  will  find  such  an  abundant  room  in  the  temples  of 
God  tliat  fiUhy  lucre  and  an  artificial  or  political  constitu- 
tion will  be  considered  entirely  obsolete,  and  the  Millen- 


182  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

nium  will  be  established,  when  love  to  God  and  man  will 
constitute  the  only  constitution  which  each  person  will 
carry  within  this  palace  of  the  soul. 

Thus,  diseases,  crime,  avarice,  penury  and  all  the  multi- 
tudinous ills  and  vices  of  human  nature  would  vanish; 
when  pettifoggers,  quacks  (in  the  healing  art),  law-makers, 
judges,  hireling  ministers,  misers,  wholesale  thieves,  ty- 
rants, blind  leaders  of  the  blind  and  bloody  conspirators 
would  be  the  very  ones  who  should  till  the  cells  of  the 
prisons,  houses  of  correction,  etc.,  wiiich  they  now  erect 
and  fill  with  those  whom  they  manufacture  by  their  Phari- 
saical charlatanism. 

These  governors  of  Church  and  State  make  men-traps, 
and  then  generate  victims  to  fill  them  ;  therefore,  they  do 
nothing  to  prevent  disease  and  crime,  but  they  are  experts 
at  punishing  those  who  were  bred,  born,  circumstanced 
and  in  every  way  hewn  out  for  criminals,  congenital 
criminals.  Thus,  the  sectarian  ministers  have  employ- 
ment to  pray  for  them  ;  the  drug-doctors  a  lucrative  trade 
to  dose  and  drug  them  to  make  a  business ;  the  lawyers 
and  legislators,  seeing  the  fallacy  of  their  leaders,  or 
fathers  in  professions,  make  an  excellent  living  at  grab- 
game,  by  framing  laws,  and  enforcing  them  or  not,  as  it 
best  suits  their  pockets  and  feelings. 

Good  people,  awake  to  a  sense  of  duty,  and  shuffle  off 
these  miseral)le  blood-suckers  in  your  anti-Christ  and  anti- 
natural  church  and  state. 

"  Look  through  nature  up  to  nature's  God," 

and  learn  to  know  that 

"  Virtue  is  nothing  but  voluntary  obedience  to  truth." 


THE   CO^'SPIRATOES  AND   LOVEES.  183 

CHAPTER  XLIII. 

THE  BLOODY  CONSPIRATORS  3I0BBED. 

[HE  night  at  Tabernacle  Hall  when  the  bloody 
conspirators  had  a  row,  on  account  of  Deacon 
Eob  Stew's  peculiar  sentiments,  which  caused 
almost  fatal  assaults  upon  the  deacon  and  Rev. 
Joe  Pier,  it  seemed  that  they  could  not  finish  all  their 
plans ;  and  at  that  part  of  their  proceedings  when  Dr.  Toy 
Paucy  announced  that  he  believed  the  deacon  was  expir- 
ing, another  hubbub  arose  that  nearly  amounted  to  a  ter- 
rific fight  amongst  the  holy  saints  ;  but  the  dignified  and 
influential  Sister  Nancy  Clover  nipj^ed  the  thing  in  the 
bud  by  her  cool  and  determined  eloquence. 

The  cause  of  this  hubbub  was  the  various  expressions  of 
the  saints,  upon  learning  from  Dr.  Toy  Pancy  that  Deacon 
Rob  Stew  was  dying.  Several  downtrodden  brothers,  who 
despised  the  usurping  deacon,  cried  out : 

"Thank  the  Lord,  he  is  dying  I  " 

Which  immediately  aroused  the  friends  of  the  deacon, 
who  mourned  and  lamented  heartily  the  dying  state  of  the 
heroic  man  of  the  elect,  and  who  shouted  : 

"  Silence,  apostates  !  " 

Instantly  the  latter  moved  to  assault  the  former,  when 
Sister  Xancy  Clover  cried  out  vehemently  : 

"  Shame !  shame !  brothers  ;  be  men,  not  brutes  !  If  these 
dissensions  are  permitted  to  continue,  I  feel  assured  that 
we  shall  be  our  own  destroyers,  which  will  prove  that  we 
are  Dr.  Juno's  best  friends.  I  have,  therefore,  one  single 
question  to  put  to  you,  which  I  wish  you  to  answer  as 
soon  as  you  understand  it : — Who  do  you  love  best,  Dr. 
Juno  or  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  and  for  which  of  the  two  will 
you  work  as  a  unit,  for  you  are  compelled  to  choose  be- 
tween the  two  antagonistic  causes  which  these  two  heroes 
advocate  ?  I  ask,  emphatically,  for  which  will  you  work 
as  a  unit  until  you  die  V  " 


184  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

Like  liglitning  a  tremendous  unanimous  cry  rent  the  air : 

"•  For  Deacon  Kob  Stew  !  " 

"  So  I  thought,"  said  Nancy  Clover,  soberly ;  "  therefore, 
be  silent  until  I  go  to  the  deacon's  side,  with  Brothei* 
Fancy,  and  learn  the  state  of  our  beloved  brother's 
health." 

AVhilst  Sister  Nancy  Clover  and  Dr.  Fancy  were  exam- 
ining the  deacon,  the  saints  were  exchanging  words  on 
tlieir  favorite  topic  of  destroying  Dr.  Juno's  influence. 
They  esteemed  it  impolitic  to  make  attempts  upon  his  life, 
because  he  has  too  many  friends  amongst  even  some  of  the 
religious  denominations ;  besides,  too  many  people  believe, 
since  he  was  sent  to  the  county  prison  for  publishing  an 
"•obscene  book,"  that  we  were  instrumental  in  sending 
him  there  ;  moreover,  mnny  believe  that  we  had  him  in- 
carcerated in  the  lunatic  asylum,  and  have  tried  to  murder 
him  ;  therefore,  we  must  not  be  too  bold  in  our  work,  but 
there  are  plenty  of  ways  to  ruin  his  reputation  ;  the  physi- 
cian-in-chief has  given  us  a  capital  plan,  and  we  may  get 
additional  new  ideas  that  will  do  the  work. 

Whilst  the  saints  were  thus  engaged  in  the  pleasant  an- 
ticipation of  seeing  this  vile  innovator  ruined.  Sister  Nancy 
Clover  returned  to  the  hall  and  said  : 

"  Beloved  saints,  our  worthy  deacon  is  dangerously  ill, 
but  I  have  hopes  that  he  will  recover ;  and  there  is  one 
thing  for  us  to  take  into  serious  consideration,  and  decide 
the  matter  before  we  adjourn.  That  is,  what  excuse  shall 
we  make  to  the  outside  world,  and  tlie  uninitiated  saints, 
for  the  absence  from  society  of  both  the  deacon  and  Rev. 
Joe  Fier ;  because  we  dare  not  let  them  go  home,  where 
their  friends  and  saints,  who  do  not  know  of  our  sacredly 
secret  conclave,  will  have  an  opportunity  to  visit  them,  as 
they  would  ask  too  many  questions  about  the  wliere  and 
tlie  how  tliey  received  such  awful  blows  V  It  would  be  im- 
possible to  lie  oiit  of  the  matter,  and  therefore  it  would 
assuredly  leak  out  that  something  most  mj'sterious  and 
incomprehensible  was  on  the  tapis,  which  some  of  these 


THE    COXSPIIiATORS    AXD    LOVERS.  185 

prying  religious  bretliren  and  sisters  would  be  determined 
to  ferret  out.  It  is  our  duty  to  keep  our  private  matters 
entirely  hid  under  a  bushel,  thereby  keep  the  members  of 
the  sacredly  secret  conclave  above  suspicion." 

''  Beloved  sister,  you  are  a  trump  at  all  times,"  responded 
Mr.  Grumbler. 

"  I  do  not  know  if  I  am  a  '  trump '  or  not,  Brother 
Grumbler  ;  but  I  can  assure  you  that  I  can  prophesy  what 
will  come  of  us  all  if  we  are  careless.  Our  only  salvation 
lies  in  shrewdness  and  vigorous  business  tact.  Prayers  to 
God,  asking  Him  to  do  our  work,  will  not  answer  in  such 
cases  ;  that  does  well  enough  to  hoodwink  zealots  and 
drones,  but  it  cannot  answer  practical  saints  like  us,  who 
have  work,  responsible  work,  to  perform,"  said  she. 

"  I  think  the  best  way  to  manage  this  matter  will  be 
to  spread  a  report  that  the  brethren  were  called  suddenly 
away  from  home.  A  report  like  this  can  be  started  with- 
out letting  any  one  know  that  it  came  from  any  of  us  who 
are  of  the  conclave,"  responded  a  brother. 

"■  Probably  that  is  the  best  that  w^e  can  do  ;  at  any  rate, 
should  we  remove  them  to  their  homes,  and  they  would 
not  expose  tlie  matter  wlien  in  their  right  minds,  it  is  still 
unsafe  to  trust  them  as  long  as  they  are  delirious  betimes  ; 
moreover,  I  am  not  sure  but  what  Brother  Pier  will  go 
back  on  the  conclave  ;  he  is  such  a  coward,  and  therefore 
may  never  come  to  the  hall  again,  or  should  he  see  danger 
breeding  on  our  side,  and  behold  safety  on  the  side  of  even 
Dr.  Juno,  he  would  fly  to  him  for  succor,  and  expose  and 
have  us  forthwith  arrested.  Therefore,  beloved  saints,  j'ou 
see  into  what  great  danger  this  fight  amongst  the  saints  of 
the  conclave  has  brought  us.  I  do  not  want  you  to  think 
that  I  am  cowardly,  but  duty  compels  me  to  be  prudent 
and  wise,  lest  our  holy  cause  will  be  lost  forever.  I  am, 
tlien,  in  favor  of  keeping  brothers  vStew  and  Pier  closely 
confined,  guarded  and  cai'efully  nursed  in  this  place  until 
tliey  are  well,  and  promise  to  continue  their  allegiance  ; 
and  spread  a  report,  as  the  brother  proposed,  that  they  left 


186  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

home  on  an  important  mission.  Brother  Pier  raves  fre- 
quently in  a  delirious  state,  and  threatens  exposure  and 
vengeance  to  those  who  have  assaulted  him.  I  move  then 
that  we  adjourn  to  meet  to-morrow  evening,  and  in  the 
meantime  one  of  the  faithful  sisters,  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  and 
myself  will  provide  comfortable  beds  and  nursing  for  the 
sick,"  said  Sister  iSTancy  Clover. 

The  conclave  adjourned,  all  feeling  gloomy  over  the  work 
of  the  night.  They  had  their  eyes  opened  wide  to  the  dan- 
ger of  quarrels  amongst  themselves.  Nancy  Clover  had 
no  fears  of  either  of  the  sick  brothers  that  they  would  de- 
sert the  cause,  or  expose  anything  in  their  delirium ; 
really,  Brother  Pier  was  never  yet  delirious,  but  she 
wanted  to  completely  subdue  the  spirit  of  rebellion  and 
quarrelling,  and  now  was  the  opportunity  to  work  effectual- 
ly. She  was  a  long-headed  w^oman,  who  would  not  stop  at 
anything  to  gain  her  end.  The  sacredly  secret  conclave 
met  regularly  every  evening  for  a  week,  which  aroused  the 
suspicion  of  Pat  O'Conner,  who  was  sure  that  some  new 
"diviltry  was  abreedin',"  and  Pat  connived  with  some  of 
his  friends  to  oust  them  from  their  hiding  places. 

There  was  great  anxiety  in  the  religious  world,  asking 
where  Deacon  Kob  Stew  and  Eev.  Joe  Pier  were  ;  and 
wliilst  the  saints  of  the  conclave  spread  their  report,  as 
already  knowai  by  the  reader,  Pat  O'Conner  and  his  friends 
started  an  opposite  report,  which  was,  however,  not  made 
too  public,  but  was  only  talked  about  among  those  who 
"were  suspicious  of  the  sanctimonious,  who  assisted  in  con- 
victing and  imprisoning  Dr.  Juno,  and  Avho  could  not  see 
any  crime  in  the  latter  ;  therefore,  on  the  evening  previous 
to  a  great  religious  celebration,  the  conclave  were  in  ses- 
sion, jiaving  much  business  before  them,  when  the  sentinel 
stepped  into  the  hall,  and  said  : 

"  A  stranger  is  insisting  to  be  admitted  ;  what  can  I  do 
to  pacify  him,  for  he  will  not  go  away  from  the  outside 
door?  " 

The  president  pro  tern.  ?aid  : 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  187 

"Take  two  or  three  brethren  with  you  and  go  out  to 
him,  and  ask  him  to  leave,  and  if  he  will  not  leave,  go  for 
a  policeman  and  have  him  arrested." 

As  they  opened  the  outside  door  a  crowd  of  policemen 
and  citizens  rushed  in  and  overpowered  the  sentinel  and 
his  companions. 


CHAPTER  XLIV. 

DR.   JUNO    INFORMED  AVHERE    LUCINDA  IS  IMPRISONED. 

[HE  time  Pat  O'Conner  ordered  Dr.  Juno  into  a 
closet,  at  General  Armington's  residence,  when 
some  one  knocked  at  the  door,  at  a  very  unusual 
hour  of  the  evening,  it  proved  that  the  bloody 
conspirators  had  kept  a  sharp  eye  on  Dr.  Juno  after  the 
mistake  they  made  in  the  insane  asylum,  when  the  latter, 
by  permission,  visited  the  insane  General  Armington — the 
circumstances  are  familiar  to  the  reader ;  and  when  the 
person  who  knocked  for  admission  was  admitted,  Pat 
O'Conner  recklessly  asked  him  : 

"  Yer  honor ;  an'  what  kin  I  do  to  sarve  ye '? "  The  visitor, 
being  no  one  long  or  short  of  Mr.  Grumbler  of  the  con- 
clave, stammered,  and  hesitatingly  said  : 

"  I — I — called  here  for  Dr.  Juno,  a  friend  of  mine  is  sick, 
and  I  was  told  that  he  was  seen  coming  to  this  house.  I 
am  to  bring  him  quick  as  possible  to  the  sick  man." 

"•Yer  frend  bees  sick,  bees  he  V  an' ye  wer  towld  that 
Doclitor  Juno  was  seed  acomin'  here  V  Bedad,  the  cratur 
what  seed  him  acomin'  here  must  have  seed  his  gost,  fur  I 
tell  ye,  Dochtor  Juno  an'  meself  bees  mortal  enemies,  do 
ye  mind  that  ?  Ye  better  go  to  his  office,  an'  not  be  ahun- 
tin'  around  here  fur  the  dirty  divil,"  angrily  said  Pat 
O'Conner. 

"So,  so,"  responded  Mr.  Grumbler;  "you  then  are  no 
friend  of  this  man  ?  " 


188  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"  Begonah  !  how  kin  ye  axe  me  sich  a  ting  agin,  whin  I 
towld  ye  ?  I  hate  tlie  seducer  of  dacent  darasils.  Ef  this 
Doclitor  Juno  should  com  tow  tliis  liouse  now,  while  I  have 
the  honor  tow  be  boss,  I'd  murhder  him.  Do  ye  mind 
that!'  Yis  ;  an'  I  wish  ye  would  tell  him  so;  an'  ef  ye 
want  nothin'  morer,  I  tank  ye  tow  hunt  this  tine  dochtor, 
whare  ye  may  lind  they  divil,"  sarcastically  said  Pat, 

This  cool  language  and  defiant  air  of  an  ignorant  Irish- 
man threw  Brother  Grumbler  entirely  off  his  guard,  and 
convinced  him  that  Pat  was  an  enemy  to  Dr.  Juno  ;  who 
gave  him  (Grumbler)  the  cold  shoulder,  because  Pat  be- 
lieved liim  to  be  the  doctor's  friend  ;  and  if  Juno's  patrons 
Avould  receive  such  severe  treatment  from  Pat  O'Conncr, 
what  would  Dr.  Juno  himself  get,  should  he  call  on  Pat  ? 
Thus,  Mr.  Grumbler  departed  in  a  serene  and  satisfied 
state  of  mind,  reporting  his  convictions  to  the  saints  in 
whose  service  he  was  operating,  and  they  also  felt  easy  on 
that  topic  ;  still,  they  knew  that  Jemmy  and  Pat  O'Conner 
were  chmus,  and  therefore  Pat  had  better  be  watched. 

When  Mr.  Grumbler  had  gone,  Pat  and  Judy  closed  the 
house  thoroughly,  and  set  their  prisoner  free,  who  was 
locked  up  in  the  closet,  when  Pat  asked  him  : 

"Good  dochtor,  an'  did  ye  hear  me  blarneying  that 
bluddy  curmudgon  V  " 

"  Yes,  Pat ;  you  are  a  trump  ;  surely,  your  ready  answers 
and  deliberately  cool  deportment,  if  the  tone  of  your  voice 
proves  anything,  Avere  excellent ;  and  you  threw  that  guilty 
scoundrel  entirely  off  his  guard.  Now,  then,  Pat,  I  am 
ready  and  very  anxious  to  learn  more  about  my  dear  Lu- 
cinda,  about  Jemmy  and  the  man  that  wns  to  be  drowned," 
said  the  doctor. 

"All  riglit,  I'll  tell  ye;  an'  I'll  begin  at  the  beginnin' 
Jemmy  bees  Judy  darlin's  cousin,  an'  he  towld  us  that  he 
seed  our  swate  Mishtvess  Lucinda  "—here  Pat  and  Judy 
snivelled  like  innocent  cliildren — "that  he— he— see — d  her 
locked  up  in  a  tird  story  cell,  an'  this  bees  all  meself  au* 
Judy  knows  ov  it."' 


THE   CONSPIEATOES   AND    LOVERS.  189 

"  Jemmy,  then,  I  suppose  was  caught  at  his  work  of  aid- 
ing us  y  He  spoke  to  me  on  several  occasions,  but  lie  said 
notliing  of  dear  Lucinda.  O  God,  comfort  and  save  her 
until  I  am  ready  to  free  her  I  "  ejaculated  Dr.  Juno. 

"■Och  !  good  dochter,  Jemmy  did  not  wish  to  hurt  j^er 
feelin's,  an'  that  bees  why  he  did  not  tell  ye,"  said  Judy 
McCrea,  modestly,  but  still  snivelling. 

"  Undoubtedly  you  are  riglit,"  responded  Dr.  Juno. 

"I  knows  Judy  darlin'  bees  right,  becase  Jemmy  tould 
us  both  that  he  did  not  wish  ye  to  be  made  feel  so  bad," 
said  Pat,  and,  wiping  his  eyes,  added  :  ''  O,  Jemmy  bees  a 
good  man,  ef  he  bees  a  strong  Roman  Catholic." 

"■  God  bless  Jemmy,  and  also  bless  you  both  ;  but  I  want 
to  disabuse  your  minds  about  my  ideas  of  the  Roman 
Catholic  Church ;  the  Catholic  is  the  only  true  Church, 
when  in  its  pristine  state  ;  I  am  a  Catholic  in  every  sense 
of  the  word,"  responded  Dr.  Juno,  whose  eyes  were  filling 
with  huge  drops  of  tears  whilst  he  was  uttering  these 
words.  He  was  thinking  of  his  beloved  Lucinda,  and  as 
he  was  now  satisfied  that  she  was  in  that  third  story, 
closely  confined  in  a  cell,  he  could  not  think  of  anything 
else  but  to  free  her  at  once. 

Faint  heart  never  won  fair  lady,  and  a  cowardly  knave 
was  not  worthy  of  so  excellent  a  creature ;  still,  a  voice 
cried  :  Prudence,  prudence  ! 

These  three  distressed  souls  sat,  like  innocent  children, 
for  some  minutes,  weeping  and  meditating  on  the  same 
subject.  Tliey  were  evidently  in  this  one  place  with  one 
accord,  which  caused  them  to  be  inspired  with  the  Holy 
Spirit,  when  all  at  once  Dr.  Juno  exclaimed  : 

"Good,  most  faithful  friends,  God  and  right  are  on  our 
side,  and  who  can  be  against  us  wlien  He  is  for  us  V  We 
^shall  trust  confidingly  in  His  holy  laws,  but  shall  rigidly 
work  with  all  our  might  to  free  every  one  of  our  friends  as 
speedily  as  possible." 

"  Och !  Dochtor  Juno,  may  the  Lord  bless  ye  fur  that 
word,"  sighed  Pat ;  "fur  poor  Jemmy  must  be  a  suiferin' 


190  THE  SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

much,  an'  so  do  our  swate  lady  an'  mushter  ;  an'  mesel: 
an'  Judy  daiiin'  would  giv  our  lives  tow  sea  tliim  every 
one  free." 

'•'  Pat,  your  great  heart  is  full  of  the  milk  of  genuine 
Christian  kindness,  and  God  will  guide  us,  provided  we 
shall  caiitiously  use  our  inwrought  faculties,  which  we 
shall  assuredly  do,"  said  the  doctor. 

Ten  thousand  ideas  Hashed  through  Dr.  Juno's  brain  at 
that  moment,  and  he  at  once  tried  to  arrange  things,  which 
he  knew  to  be  true,  so  that  instant  relief  might  come  to 
his  precious  Lucinda.     Thought  he  : 

''  What  insults  may  that  angel  not  have  suffered,  and  all 
on  my  account !  O  Lord  I  fill  her  soul  with  hope  and  joy, 
for  the  hour  of  her  deliverance  is  not  far  distant.  Let  me 
see ;  Jemmy  is  in  the  Penitentiary.  I  must  at  once  seek 
our  noble-minded  Governor  of  this  Commonwealth,  and 
ask  him  to  pardon  Jemmy,  who  will  be  of  great  service  to 
me.  I  will  do  this  secretly,  if  I  can.  Then  I  must  organ- 
ize a  secret  society  for  the  purpose  of  matching  these  bloody 
conspirators  ;  and  as  soon  as  I  can  get  suflicient  men  to- 
gether to  free  my  beloved  Lucinda,  I  will  make  a  dash  into 
that  hell-hole  of  an  insane  asj-lum ;  but,  would  it  not  be 
better  to  sue  out  a  habeas  corpus,  and  compel  the  physi- 
cian-in-chief to  produce  her  in  court  ? 

"  No,  no ;  there  is  no  judge  now  upon  the  bench  who 
dares  to  insist  to  search  for  her  in  this  hell-hole,  if  the 
bloody  clique  say  that  no  such  person  is  there.  Truly, 
they  have  made  the  impression  that  I  seduced,  carried 
away  and  deserted  the  beloved  of  my  soul.  Oh,  they  would 
make  a  laughing  stock  of  me  for  the  presumption  of  asking 
for  a  writ  of  habeas  corpus." 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  191 


CHAPTER  XLV. 

DR.  JUNO  ORGANIZES  THE  "  SECRET  ORDER  OF  NATU- 
RALISTS." 

iJAT,  please  tell  me  now  about  the  man  of  whom 
you  spoke  of  being  drowned,  or  something  to 
that  effect ;  may  be  he  will  be  of  some  use  to  us 
in  freeing  our  friends,  and  oveicoming  these 
bloody  conspirators,"  said  Dr.  Juno. 

'X'artainly,  he'll  be  ov  use,  fur  he  bees  very  rich  an' 
influatiell,"  responded  Pat. 

"The  very  man  we  want  to  use,  if  he  is  alive  and  ready 
to  expose  tliese  dastardly  scoundrels.  Do  you  think  he 
will  aid  us  V  "  asked  Dr.  Juno. 

"Cartainly  will  he,  an'  he  bees  wide-alive,  fur  I  draw'd 
him  out  ov  they  sea  akickin'  like  a  big  fesh,"  said  Pat. 

"  Go  on  and  tell  me  how  this  happened,"  demanded  Dr. 
Juno. 

Pat  O 'Conner  told  him  the  whole  story  about  Harry 
Gossimer,  with  which  the  reader  is  already  familiar,  and 
said : 

"Mishter  Gossimer  has  gone  West,  to  git  away  from 
these  bluddy  curmudgon  ;  howsomever,  he  will  be  alookin' 
out  fur  they  dirty  divils.  These  hypecrets  tink  he  bees 
drown 'd  dead,  an'  he  bees  agoin'  to  let  'em  tink  so  until 
he  git  a  chance  to  e'spose  'em,"  said  Pat. 

"  Do  you  think  he  would  write  to  me  if  I  would  first 
write  to  him  and  ask  him  to  co-operate  witli  me  V  "  asked 
Dr.  Juno. 

"  Yis,  sir  ;  but  he  bees  not  agoin'  be  his  own  name,  an' 
ef  ye  wish  tow  write  tow  him,  I  will  say  a  word,  so  he  know 
all  bees  right.  His  name  now  bees  John  Williams  Jordan, " 
said  Pat. 

"  Pat,  will  you  assist  me  in  organizing  a  secret  society, 
where  we  can  lay  plots  to  entrap  these  demons  ?  I  know  now 


192  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

of  several  true  and  fearless  men  who  will  aid  me  to  the 
death,"  responded  Dr.  Juno. 

"  Yis,  sir;  I'll  hilp  all  that,  au' ef  I  die  wid  ye  all," 
earnestly  said  Pat. 

Dr.  Juno  cautiously  left  the  house  of  the  General  by  the 
side  door,  and  reached  his  office  without  molestation.  He 
retired,  but  his  brain  was  so  active  that  he  could  not  sleep 
for  thinking  of  his  darling  Lucinda. 

He  planned  how  he  should  organize  the  "  Order  of  Xatu- 
ralists,"  and  as  soon  as  they  had  enough  men  indoctrinated 
into  the  order  they  would  free  his  dear  Lucinda. 

At  his  next  physiological  lecture  to  men  alone  he  pro- 
posed to  organize  a  beneficial  society  at  the  close  of  the 
discourse  ;  but  only  those  who  comprehended,  appreciated 
and  were  willing  to  carry  out  the  teachings  of  nature  could 
become  members,  and  such  he  invited  to  remain  in  their 
seats  after  the  audience  was  dismissed. 

Forty  remained,  and  after  stating  to  these  what  was  to 
be  the  motive  and  work  of  the  proposed  "  Secret  Order  of 
Naturalists,"  ten  of  them  left,  and  thirty  remained  to  be 
initiated  into  the  Order.  The  inner  workings  of  this  secret 
body  of  apt,  able  and  heroic  sons  of  toil  were  completely 
and  conscientiously  practicable,  which  always  strengthens 
men's  determination,  hence  fear  or  favor  for  mere  gain  did 
not  belong  to  their  articles  of  faith  ;  but  they  steered 
straiglit  ahead  as  one  man,  who,  knowing  God's  holy  truth, 
dared  maintain  it  in  spite  of  any  and  every  power  that 
human  invention  could  bring  to  bear  against  it ! 

The  membership  increased  rapidly,  and  after  all  their 
plans  and  operations  were  matured,  Dr.  Juno  proposed  to 
have  Jemmy  pardoned  and  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  de- 
livered from  her  unjust  incarceration  !    He  said  : 

"I  have  been  to  the  Eastern  Penitentiary,  to  see  Jemmy, 
the  former  overseer  of  the  helj)  at  the  West  Pliiladelphia  In- 
sane Asylum,  and  he  avows  tliat  INIiss  Lucinda  Armington 
is  confined  in  the  third  story  of  tliis  Lunatic  Asylum  !  He 
further  says  that  he  was  convicted  on  suspicion^  that  he  was 


THE   CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVERS.  193 

instrumental  in  exposing  this  foul  outrage  upon  her,  as 
well  as  my  incarceration  therein  ;  but,  that  it  was  simply 
suspicion,  not  one  particle  of  proof  was  produced  against 
him,  but  Deacon  Rob  !Stew  made  up  his  mind  that  he 
(Jenuny)  was  a  dangerous  person,  hence  had  him  arrested, 
indicted  and  convicted  ;  and,  although  Jemmy  was  guiltj' 
in  aiding  my  escape,  as  also  in  the  exposure  of  Miss  Arm- 
ington's  imprisonment,  still  they  could  not  prove  it  on  him  ; 
therefore,  if  at  any  time  tliese  same  bloody  conspirators,  or 
their  leader,  Rob  Stew,  should  become  suspicious  of  any 
other  man,  they  would  dispatch  him,  as  they  did  myself, 
Miss  Armington,  Jemmy  or  Mr.  Harry  Gossimer, 

"With  the  sad  story  of  the  latter,  and  his  miraculous 
rescue  from  drowning  by  the  cunning  and  noble  Pat  O'Con- 
ner,  you  must  all  be  familiar ;  hence  we  should  make  a 
move  in  the  right  direction  by  freeing  the  beloved  daughter 
of  General  Washington  Armington,  who  has  been  driven 
to  real  insanity  by  the  villanous  abduction  and  conceal- 
ment of  Miss  Armington ! 

"I  have  thought  this  matter  carefully  over,  and  I  have 
come  to  the  conclusion  that  we  can  go  boldly  to  this  hell- 
hole Asylum,  where  Miss  Armington  is  confined,  some 
evening  about  nine  o'clock,  and  by  all  being  armed  to  the 
teeth,  more  for  show  than  deathly  work,  and  one  man  ask- 
ing pel-mission  at  the  outside  gate,  and  upon  the  keeper 
opening  it,  we  all  rush  in,  gagging  and  binding  him  and 
every  one  else  as  we  go  along,  leaving  several  to  guard 
them  and  the  gate,  whilst  the  rest  march  straight  for  the 
third  story  to  release  Miss  Armington,  knocking  down, 
gagging  and  binding  or  imprisoning  all  who  have  a  voice 
in  the  Asylum,  or  who  interfere  with  our  work  ;  and  after 
having  freed  Miss  Armington,  liinting  boldly  to  the  physi- 
cian-in-chief and  managers  who  may  be  about  that  we 
charge  them  to  be  very  cautious  how  they  move  against  us 
by  way  of  exposing  this  work  of  liberating  an  abducted 
citizen  ! 

"•  I  am  convinced  that  such  a  course  will  be  successful ; 
13 


194  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

because  they  dare  not  arrest  me,  nor  any  of  you  for  having 
made  the  assault  upon  the  accursed  institution  for  fear  of 
an  exposure  and  speedy  downfall  of  the  bloody  clique." 

"  Surely,  Dr.  Juno  is  a  deep-sighted  brother,  whose  course 
of  action  in  this  direction  is  beyond  a  doubt  the  best,  and 
will  be  attended  with  the  pleasing  results  of  releasing  the 
distressed  young  Lady  Armington,  as  well  as  give  these 
bloody  hounds  a  taste  of  a  mysterious  and  deeply  strategic 
movement  by  a  rival  organization,  which  would  almost 
scare  the  life  out  of  the  whole  bloody  clique ;  because  they 
know  they  are  guilty  of  numerous  foul  deeds,  and  therefore 
the  members,  like  cut-throats  and  thieves,  would  fear  each 
bush  to  be  an  officer,  or  an  avenger  of  the  wrong  these  in- 
nocent parties  have  suffered  at  their  hands  !  "  said  a  mem- 
ber of  the  order. 

"  Yes,  sir,  brother,"  replied  Dr.  Juno,  "  you  are  perfectly 
right,  and  I  propose  that  we  meet  here  next  Thursday  eve- 
ning sharp  at  8  o'clock,  each  member  bringing  a  revolver, 
dirk,  black-jack  and  any  other  weapon  of  death  that  he 
may  possess,  for  I  mean  work,  fight,  death,  or  freedom.  I 
have  been  long  enough  stigmatized  and  branded  by  these 
bloody  conspirators  and  their  followers  as  being  cruel,  low, 
vile  and  criminal ;  therefore  the  hour  has  arrived  when  it 
behooves  me  to  accept  the  game  of  the  name  they  gave  me, 
and  I  shall  be  indefatigable,  fight,  and,  if  necessary,  show 
the  black  flag,  by  striking  the  vipers  dead  without  mercy 
or  quarters.  Think  for  one  moment  what  I  have  endured 
whilst  thrown  into  that  loathsome  felon's  cell,  in  the 
county  prison,  for  publishing  a  useful  and  truthful  scien- 
tific physiological  book.  Think  of  the  many  wily  plans 
that  were  laid  for  my  ruination  and  destruction  by  tliese 
human  fiends,  and  then  ask  me  to  be  any  longer  merciful. 
As  well  ask  God  or  the  devil  to  yield  their  fixed  intentions, 
as  ask  me  to  change  tlie  even  tenor  of  my  course. 

"  I  therefore  ask  you  to  join  me  on  the  evening  of  next 
Thursday,  when  I  will  general  you  for  the  first  time 
through  these  devils'  ground." 


THE  CONSPIEATORS   AND   LOVERS.  195 


CHAPTEK  XLYI. 

LUCmDA  SHOOTS  DEACON  STEW  EST  HER  CELL,  AND 
ESCAPES. 

ISS  LUCINDA  AKMIXGTOX  had  received 
numerous  visits  from  Deacon  Rob  Stew  during 
her  confinement,  beside  those  which  we  have 
ah'eady  described.  Two  or  three  of  these  visits 
may  be  worth  mentioning,  whicli  come  near  excelling  the 
first  and  second  ones  that  he  made  the  helpless  lady. 

On  one  rainy  afternoon  the  deacon  suddenly  entered 
Miss  Armington's  cell,  through  one  of  the  secret  doors, 
which  startled  the  poor  girl  terribly. 

"How  is  my  darling  young  lady?"  said  he.  "I  have 
been  wanting  to  visit  you  last  week,  but  business  of  great 
importance  kept  me  so  busily  employed  that  I  could  not 
possibly  find  time.  The  last  visit  I  made  you  was  not  as 
pleasant  as  either  of  us  might  have  desired  it,  but  I  hope 
you  will  by  this  time  know  me  and  my  intentions  fully  ; 
therefore,  yield  to  my  wishes  like  a  wise,  obedient  child." 

"Indeed,  sir,"  said  she  ;  "what  are  your  intentions  V  " 

"  My  intentions,  my  darling  girl,  are  to  make  you  my 
■wife,"  said  the  deacon. 

"Well,  and  how  do  you  propose  to  do  this  little  busi- 
ness, by  fair  or  foul  means  V  "  very  sarcastically  responded 
Miss  Armington. 

"  Haughty  lady,  I'll  tell  you  ;  by  fair  means,  if  yoi;  pre- 
fer it ;  and  by  foul,  if  the  former  don't  suit  you,"  defiantly 
ejaculated  he. 

"  Ha  !  ha  !  ha !  you  must  think  that  I  am  a  fool  or  a 
baby,"  she  said.  "Do  j-ou  forget  the  tutorage  I  gave  you 
when  you  visited  me  on  a  previous  occasion  ?  "  And,  rising 
to  her  feet,  continued  :  "Deacon  Stew,  you  had  better  be 
careful,  or  I'll  murder  you  before  you  can  leave  this  cell  " — 

"Xot  so  fast,  my  sweet  (V)  young  lady;  do  you  see 


196  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

this  V  "  drawing  a  six  shooter  from  his  pocket  and 
ing  it  toward  her  breast,  "now  stand  back,  or  I  wil 
you,"  interrupted  the  deacon. 

"Shoot,  you  cowardly  villain  !  "  she  exclaimed  ;  and  as 
quick  as  lightning  knocked  the  pistol  from  his  hand,  and, 
grasping  it  in  her  own,  pointed  it  toward  his  holy  breast, 
when  he  winced  like  a  cur,  and  begged  her  : 

"  Oh  !  do  not  shoot ;  the  pistol  is  loaded,"  and  tried  to 
back  out  of  a  secret  door,  when  she  said,  commandingly  : 

"  Stand  still,  and  do  not  move  one  step,  or  1"11  blow  out 
your  cowardly  and  villanous  brains ;  do  you  hear  me  V 
Remember,  I  am  as  good  as  my  word."  He  stood  like  a 
statue,  almost  petrified  with  fear  and  horror,  when  she  be- 
gan to  laugh  at  him,  and  said  : 

"You  are  a  fine  fellow,  a  nice  saint,  a  model  deacon, 
who  dares  to  insult  a  helpless  woman  by  all  sorts  of  pro- 
posals and  assaults.  Now,  I  want  you  to  listen  to  me 
sharply,  and  swear  by  the  God  that  is  above  us  that  you 
will  do  as  I  wish  you  to  do,  or  I  will  shoot  you  as  dead  as 
a  mouse.    Do  you  hear  me  V  " 

"Yes,  ma'am,  I  do,"  humbly  responded  the  bold  (V) 
deacon. 

"  In  the  first  place,  I  want  you  to  swear  that  you  will 
never  more  harm  Victor  Juno,  by  word  or  deed,  and  will 
make  immediate  reparation  for  all  the  injury  you  have 
done  him  in  the  past.    Swear  it !  "  she  commanded. 

"I  cannot  do  that ;  anything  but  that,"  he  responded. 

She  cocked  the  pistol,  and  fired  one  shot  into  his  right 
arm,  the  bullet  penetrating  the  centre  of  the  forearm  and 
lodging  in  the  plastered  wall  of  the  cell,  when  she  said  : 

"  This  is  shot  number  one,  to  disable  your  right  aim ; 
the  next  will  be  your  black  heart,"  furiously  said  Miss 
Armington. 

"  O  Lord,  help  me,  help  me  ! "  ejaculated  the  pious 
deacon. 

"No,  sir;  the  Lord  won't  help  j'ou,  but  I  will,"  and 
raising  her  pistol  towards  his  heart,  continued:  "Will 
you  swear,  or  die  in  your  sin  and  shame  V  " 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  197 

"I'll  swear  to  anything,"  ejaculated  lie;  "propose  the 
oath." 

"  I  will.  Repeat  after  me  without  mental  reservation  or 
prevarication, "she  said  ;  and  continued,  "1,  Rob  Stew,  do 
solemnly  swear,  without  mental  reservation,  that  I  will 
never  injure  by  word  or  deed  Victor  Juno,  and  that  I  will 
make  immediate  reparation  for  all  the  injury  I  have  done 
to  Victor  Juno  in  the  past,  so  help  me  God." 

"Now,  Miss  Armington,  I  have  done  it;  will  you, 
therefore,  put  that  pistol  down,  and  let  me  go  in  peace  V  " 
said  his  deaconship. 

"  No,  sir  ;  not  by  a  long  ways  ;  but  you  shall  now  give 
me  your  keys  to  this  prison  cell,  and  I  will  lock  you  up, 
and  leave  this  place  in  your  stead  "— 

"  Holy  Lord  God,"  meditated  the  deacon,  and,  turning 
deathly  pale,  stammered  : 

"  Miss  A — r — mington,  would  you  be  so  cruel  as  to  de- 
mand all  this  of  me  V  " 

"  Yes,  sir,  and  more  ;  for  fear  that  the  demons  and  luna- 
tics in  the  place  below  should  re-capture  me,  I'll  demand 
you  to  take  off  your  coat,  vest,  pants  and  hat,  and  give 
tliem  to  me,  for  a  disguise,  that  I  may  represent  your  holy 
self  for  once  in  my  life.  This  may  seem  immodest,  but  a 
desperate  woman  knows  no  frivolous  modesty  that  she 
would  not  sacrifice  for  an  honorable  deliverance  from  a 
fiend  like  yourself.  Do  you  hear,  take  off  your  clothes  V  " 
resolutely  responded  she, 

"You  certainly  would  not  compel  me  to  strip  off  my 
garments  before  you" — 

"Off,"  interrupted  Miss  Armington,  "or  die,  coward," 
and  cocking  her  pistol,  which  made  him  speedily  tear  open, 
take  off  and  deliver  the  same  to  lier ;  but  she  did  not  at- 
tempt to  put  them  on  herself  until  she  requested  the  deacon 
to  tear  a  slieet  into  i)ieces,  wherewith  slie  made  him  firmly 
tie  his  own  feet  togetlier,  then  ordered  liim  to  make  a  loop 
of  another  strip  of  sheet,  and  place  his  hands  behind  his 
back  into  the  loop,  which  she  drew  tight  with  her  left 


198  THE   SOCIAL    WAR    OF    IDUO  ;    OR, 

hand,  -whilst  she  held  the  pistol  iu  her  right  hand  for  a 
shot  should  he  fail  to  obey ;  as  soon  as  his  hands  were 
secured  by  her  left  hand,  she  laid  down  the  pistol  and 
bound  tliem  securely  ;  then  she  threw  him  on  the  floor  and 
cast  a  lot  of  bedding  on  him  ;  to  this  he  objected,  and  was 
inclined  to  scream,  when  she  commanded  him  to  open  his 
inouth,  and  she  stuffed  a  large  rag  into  it,  and  bound  a 
strip  of  the  torn  sheet  over  it  and  his  eyes.  Thus,  his 
deaconship  secured,  she  removed  her  hea\-y  skirts,  then 
donned  the  saintly  deacon's  pants,  vest,  coat  and  hat ;  but 
all  were  too  large,  which  made  her  look  dilapidated  ;  how- 
ever, after  getting  the  keys  of  her  cell,  and  pistol  iu  hand, 
the  desperate  young  heroine  started  on  her  way  toward 
freedom. 

After  leaving  her  cell  and  alighting  upon  the  corridor  of 
the  second  floor  of  the  asylum,  she  met  several  keepers, 
who  approached  her,  staring  with  amazement  at  her,  with- 
out saying  a  word,  when  she  asked  them : 

'■  Which  is  the  best  way  to  leave  the  asylum  V  '' 

To  which  a  surly  fellow  said:  "I  don't  thmk  that  a 
crazy  lunatic  like  you  will  leave  it  any  way." 

"Why  not,  sir?"  she  said;  "I  am  no  limatic,  I  want 
you  to  know." 

"I  am  not  so  sure  o"  that,"'  responded  the  surly  fellow  ; 
and  added:  "John,  go  for  the  superintendent,  and  tell 
him  a  strange  creature  is  in  our  ward  ;  and  ask  him  what 
we  shall  do  with  the  queer  thing  V  " 

Miss  Armington  trembled  at  this  state  of  affairs,  but  she 
made  up  her  mind  to  fight  her  way  out,  if  she  had  to  shoot 
a  dozen. 

The  physician-in-chief  and  the  superintendent  both 
arrived  at  the  spot  where  she  had  the  conversation  with 
the  keepers,  and  seeing  that  they  might  surround  her,  she 
backed  into  a  corner  of  the  corridor  near  a  door  ;  and  when 
the  physician-in-chief  ordered  the  men  to  secure  her,  she 
drew  her  revolver  and  cocked  it,  and  said,  defiantly  : 

"111  shoot  the  first  man  that  lays  a  finger  on  me  ;  open 
the  door  and  let  me  depart  in  peace." 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND   LOVERS.  199 

"  Who  are  you  V  "  demanded  the  physician-in-chief. 

"I  am  a  sane  person,  wlio  wishes  to  be  let  out  of  this 
place,"  she  said. 

'■'■  Seize  the  ruffian  !  "  commanded  the  physician-in-chief, 
wlien  the  surly  fellow  made  for  her,  but  she  shot  him 
through  his  right  arm,  which  scared  the  whole  batch  of 
them ;  and  the  trouble  was  how  to  get  the  stranger  out  of 
that  corner. 

"I  have  it,"  said  the  superintendent,  silently,  to  the 
physician-in-chief;  "I  will  go  and  cause  that  door  by  him 
to  be  opened,  and  make  him  believe  that  he  may  escape 
that  way,  when  either  you  or  I  will  grasp  him  from  be- 
hind." 

"  All  right,"  replied  the  physician-in-chief. 

The  door  was  opened,  and  Miss  Armington  saw  what 
they  were  after,  but  she  thought  that  very  likely  she  could 
make  her  escape ;  therefore,  she  would  go  through  the 
open  door ;  but  as  she  moved  the  keepers  were  upon  her 
back,  when  she  turned  upon  them  and  fired  at  the  breast 
of  the  leader,  but  at  that  moment  some  one  grasped  her 
elbows  behind  her  from  the  outside  of  the  open  door. 


CHAPTER  XLVn. 

LUCINDA  IS  RE-ARRESTED  BEFORE  SHE  ESCAPES. 

[HE  superintendent's  plan  of  opening  the  door 
proved  a  success ;  and  as  Miss  Armington  turned 
to  fire,  he  grasped  both  her  elbows  from  behind, 
which  raised  the  pistol  the  moment  it  went  ofiE, 
and  thereby  missed  hitting  any  one. 

The  superintendent  at  once  took  the  revolver  from  her 
hand,  and  rather  roughly  handled  the  poor  girl,  w^hen  she 
said : 

"  You  have  gained  the  victory,  and  I  will  therefore  yield 
honorably,  like  a  whipped  enemy ;  be  so  kind  then  as  to  let 
me  rise." 


200  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

By  this  time  the  physician-in-chlef  and  tlie  rest  of  the 
keepers,  help  and  innocent  lunatics  gathered  around  her. 
Tlie  physician-in-chief  at  once  recognized  her  face,  when 
he  ordered  her  to  be  removed  to  his  private  office,  and  di- 
rected tlie  rest,  except  the  superintendent  and  two  man- 
agers, to  attend  to  their  business.  After  these  four  men 
and  Miss  Armington  were  locked  into  his  private  office, 
the  pliysician-in-chief  said  : 

"  Well,  young  lady  ;  how  do  you  come  by  this  male  garb 
and  pistol  V    I  know  you.  Miss  Armington.'' 

"  Miss  Armington  !  "  exclaimed  one  of  the  managers. 

"Yes,  Miss  Armington  in  disguise,"  said  the  doctor; 
and  added:  "What  do  I  see?  Deacon  Eob  Stew's  coat, 
hat  and  vest,  or  I  mistake  myself." 

"  Well,  yes  ;  I  acknowledge  they  are  his  garments,  which 
may  give  you  some  idea  how  I  came  by  this  graceful  (?) 
disguise,"  said  Miss  Armington,  with  contempt. 

"  What !  the  deacon  did  not  aid  you  to  escape  by  dis- 
guising yourself  in  his  clothes  ?  "  ejacidated  the  physician- 
in-chief,  looking  amazed  as  well  as  his  comrades. 

"  Xo,  sir  ;  not  exactly  '  aid,'  your  excellency,"  tauntingly 
replied  she. 

"  IIow,  then,  did  j'ou  get  his  clothes  and  tliat  pistol  ? 
Who  gave  you  the  pistol  ?  "  said  the  physician-in-chief. 

"•  I  do  not  know  that  I  choose  to  be  so  closely  catechised, 
unless  you  promise  to  give  me  my  freedom,  which  I  think 
I  deserve  after  having  gone  to  all  this  trouble,"  she  said. 

"  You  ask  too  much  '' — 

"  IIow  so  V  "  interrupted  Miss  Armington  ;  "  what  have 
I  ever  done  to  deserve  this  confinement,  and  to  be  com- 
pelled to  be  continually  insulted  by  that  rascally  old 
Deacon  Stew  ?  " 

"What!  you  call  him  'rascally,'  when  he  has  favored 
you  with  this  disguise" — 

"  lie  has  not  '  favored  '  me,"  interposed  she. 

"Girl,  you  confound  me,"  said  the  physician-in-chief; 
"did  you  not  say  tliat  these  were  the  deacon's  garments, 
and  that  he  gave  them  to  you  V  "  ' 


THE   COXSPIEATORS   AND    LOVERS.  201 

"  Yes,  they  were  his  garments,  and  he  gave  them  to  me  ; 
but  now  they  are  mine,  for  I  have  earned  them  by  hard 
labor,  and  at  the  risk  of  womanly  modesty,"  said  she. 

"•  Explain  yourself,"  said  he  ;  ''for  instead  of  understand- 
ing you,  I  become  more  bewildered  by  your  remarks." 

"Do  you  y  "  tantalizingly  responded  Miss  Armington. 

"  Yes,  miss,  you  are  a  puzzle  to  me,"  said  the  physician- 
in-chief. 

"  Doctor,  I  am  astonished  at  you,"  exclaimed  the  super- 
intendent;  "don't  you  see  with  half  an  eye  that  the 
creature  is  as  crazy  as  a  loon  can  be  ;  come,  let  us  lock  her 
up,  and  attend  to  better  business  than  trifling  with  her." 

"  Indeed,  bah  !  you  are  a  pretty  fellow  to  be  so  wise  as 
to  pronounce  me  a  lunatic.  If  I  am  crazy  I'll  wager  my 
life  against  a  dozen  soft  heads  like  yours,  that  I  can  out- 
rival you  in  anything,"  haughtily  replied  Miss  Armington  ; 
and  continued:  "You  must  not  think,  because  you  are 
clad  with  a  little  authority,  that  your  august  position 
raises  you  to  manhood,  a  thing  you  do  not  possess." 

"Come,  come,  this  is  more  idle  talking  than  if  Miss 
Armington  were  insane,  and  we  would  amuse  ourselves 
over  her  wanderings  ;  and,  therefore,  I  ask  tlie  superin- 
tendent to  go  and  attend  to  better  business,  "  responded 
the  physician-in-chief ;  and  so  saying  he  unlocked  the  office, 
when  the  superintendent  left ;  but  the  other  continued  : 

"  Come,  now,  ]\Iiss  Armington,  please  tell  me  where  you 
got  that  pistol " — 

"  I  got  it  also  from  Deacon  Rob  Stew,"  interrupted  Miss 
Armington. 

"  When  did  you  get  it  from  him  ?  "  said  he. 

"  Not  an  hour  since,"  said  she. 

"Really,  Miss  Armington,  you  must  be  crazy,"  said  the 
physician-in-chief. 

"  Ah,  indeed  ;  you,  too,  doubt  my  sanity.  Do  you  want 
me  to  prove  my  soundness  of  mind  and  purpose  to  you  in 
the  presence  of  these  strangers  V  "  said  she. 

"Well,  you  astound  me;  but  you  have  the  deacon's 


202  THE   SOCIAL    WAR    OF    1900;    OR, 

clothes,  and  1  do  not  see  how  you  got  the  pistol,  unless  lie 
gave  it  to  you  ;  yet,  I  cannot  understand  wiiether  he  has 
proved  false  to  you  or  us,"  said  he. 

"You  did  not  answer  my  question;  I  said,  'did  you 
want  me  to  prove  my  soundness  of  mind  and  purpose  to 
you  in  the  presence  of  these  strangers  V  '  But,  perhaps,  they 
are  familiar  with  the  doings  of  this  place,"  said  Miss  Arm- 
ington. 

"No,  miss  ;  it  is  useless  for  you  to  make  that  attempt, 
for  we  all  know  why  you  are  in  this  institution  ;  and  as  I 
cannot  understand  you,  and  you  will  not  explain,  I  shall 
be  compelled  to  return  you  to  your  old  quarters,"  responded 
the  physician-in-chief. 

"  I  can  assure  you  that  I  expected  nothing  better  from 
you,  and  as  these  gentlemen  are  co-conspirators  of  yours 
and  the  holy  deacon's,  I  cannot  call  upon  them  for  succor 
or  symi)athy,"  haughtily  said  she. 

"Madam,"  responded  one  of  the  managers,  "you  have 
my  heartfelt  sympathy." 

"Then  assist  me  to  escape,  or  use  your  influence  to  have 
me  released,"  she  pled. 

He  dropped  his  head,  and,  with  tears  in  his  eyes,  said  : 

"  As  cheerfully  as  I  would  do  so  of  my  own  accord  ;  yet 
am  I  powerless  to  aid  you,  unless  you  consent  to  become 
the  deacon's  wife." 

''Ah  !  indeed  ;  you  too  desire  that ;  well,  gentlemen,  if 
such  I  may  call  you,  I  am  ready  to  be  conducted  to  my 
cell,  where  I  will  show  you  a  fine  specimen  of  a  deacon," 
sneeringly  said  slie. 

"  What !  you  did  not  murder  him  ?  "  asked  the  physi- 
cian-in-chief, terror-stricken. 

"Oh !  no,  he  is  too  mean,  low  and  cowardly  a  thing  to 
kill.  He  and  his  likes  "—looking  at  them  with  a  con- 
temptuous frown—"  better  live  a  while  yet,  that  tliey  may 
see  the  glory  of  the  noble  hero,  through  whose  instrumen- 
tality I  am  incarcerated  and  insulted  ;  but,  mark  me,  I 
feel  it  in  my  inmost  soul  that  the  tables  will  shortly  turn. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS    AND   LOVERS.  203 

and  then  I  may  laugh  at  you,  when  you  get  your  deserved 
reward,"  said  she. 

They  conducted  the  disguised  heroine  back  to  her  cell, 
but,  lo,  the  horrible  looking  deacon,  with  blood-shot  eyes, 
swollen  head  and  almost  suffocated,  lying  in  one  corner  of 
the  cell,  dumbfounded  the  gentlemen,  who  at  once  relieved 
him  of  his  effectual  gag  and  shackles,  and  the  physician- 
in-chief  asked  : 

"  How  came  this  so  ?  " 

But  there  was  no  reply ;  because  the  deacon  fainted, 
whilst  Miss  Armington  smiled,  and  really  seemed  to  enjoy 
the  joke. 

This  enraged  the  physician-in-chief,  and  for  the  first 
time  he  threatened  violence  to  Miss  Armington,  who 
coolly  said  : 

''He  only  got  his  dues." 

"He  is  dying,"  exclaimed  the  physician-in-chief,  "and 
you  are  his  murderer,  young  woman." 

"  Yes,  in  self-defence  I  subdued  him,  as  any  one  would, 
and  as  I  would  do  again,"  heedlessly  said  Miss  Armington. 
Suddenly  the  saintly  and  hypocritical,  opossum-acting 
deacon  came  to,  and  seeing  the  pistol  in  the  hand  of  the 
physician-in-chief,  he  grasped  it,  and,  rising  to  his  knees, 
raised  it  and  fired  at  Miss  Armington,  ejaculating  furiously: 

"  You  she-devil,  die  ! " 


CHAPTEll  XLYIII. 

THE  BLOODY  CONSPIRATORS  IN  TERRIBLE  FEAR  OF 
DR.    JUNO. 

lEACON  ROB  STEW  had  two  serious  assaults 
made  upon  him  close  together,  for  almost  as 
soon  as  he  had  recovered  from  his  gunshot 
wound,  which,  however,  was  kept  perfectly 
secret,  he  received  the  beating  at  Tabernacle  Hall.  The 
night   when   the   sentinel    and   two   or   three    brethren 


204  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

attempted  to  remove  the  unnoying  man  at  the  outside  of 
the  door  of  the  hall,  and  were  overpowered  by  policemen 
and  citizens,  the  sacredly  secret  conclave  were  thunder- 
struck when  they  saw.  the  intruders,  and  Hister  iS'ancy 
Clover,  who  had  the  Hoor,  thought  the  world  was  coming 
to  an  end  ;  but  upon  seeing  that  it  was  only  a  crowd  of 
police  officers  and  private  citizens,  she  exclaimed  in  a  loud 
and  dignihed  voice : 

"  Gentlemen,  and  should-be  guardians  of  the  peace,  what 
means  this  tumultuous  intrusion  upon  the  holy  medita- 
tions of  a  docile  and  law-abiding  religious  peojile  V  By 
whose  authority  do  you  force  your  way  into  our  sacred  hall 
this  hour  of  the  night  ?    I  pause  for  an  answer." 

This  womanly  speech  rather  took  the  policemen  back  ; 
but  the  citizens,  it  seemed,  were  not  to  be  so  easily  silenced, 
when  one  of  them  said  : 

"  Miss  Xancy  Clover,  we  have  come  here  by  the  authority 
of  one  of  the  religious  denominations,  whose  most  promi- 
nent members  know  some  of  the  black  deeds  that  are 
transacted  in  this  place,  and  who  have  suspicion  that 
Deacon  Rob  Stew  and  Rev.  Joe  Pier  have  been  foully  dealt 
with  by  those  who  belong  to  this  institution." 

"  Sir  !  do  you  know  that  tliese  are  serious  charges,  and 
that  before  you  intrude  yourselves  in  such  a  peculiar  man- 
ner you  should  have  ])roof  to  sustain  yourselves  ?  And 
now  I  ask  you  to  produce  your  warrant  and  proofs  for  the 
purpose  of  sustaining  tliis  assault  upon  our  sacred  rights  ; 
and,  if  you  cannot  produce  them,  I  order  the  brethren  to 
use  all  the  means  in  their  power  to  eject  you  from  this 
hall,  if  you  go  not  voluntarily,  as,  I  hesitate  not,  you  came 
here.  I  again  wait  for  an  answer,"  said  Nancy  Clover, 
with  authority  and  vim. 

Silence  i-eigned  for  several  minutes,  when  the  heroic 
sister  continued  : 

"I  am  compelled  to  conclude  that  yoTi  were  not  lawfully 
authorized  to  intrude  yourselves  into  this  hall ;  therefore, 
I  order  you  to  depart  instantly,  or  take  the  consequences." 

"  As  we  have  no  proof  at  hand  "— 


THE   COXSPIEATORS   AXD    LOVERS.  205 

" Xor  a  warrant  to  arrest  any  one,"  interrupted  Nancy 
Clover  ;  ''  therefore,  you  would  better  leave  instantly,  and 
thank  God  and  this  brotherhood  if  you  do  not  get  your 
deserts  for  tliis  breach  of  the  peace." 

''  iSTever  mind  that,  Miss  Clover,"  continued  the  citizens' 
spokesman,  ''  we  may  astonish  you  Avith  proof  some  day 
very  soon  that  will  not  be  any  too  palatable  to  any  of  your 
bloody  clique." 

"  Leave  this  instant,  you  miserable  rioters  ;  and,  as  for 
these  policemen,  they  shall  learn,  tlirough  us,  that  it  is  not 
their  duty  to  join  a  cut-throat  mob  like  you  to  break  the 
peace.  Now,  brethren,  I  order  you  to  go  to  the  armory 
and  produce  sufficient  weapons  to  slioot  these  ruffians 
down  like  dogs,  if  they  don't  instantly  go  away  and  leave 
us  in  peace,"  said  iSTancy  Clover. 

In  a  moment  twenty  or  thirty  brethren  were  armed  with 
rifles  and  bayonets,  who  waited  for  their  orders  from  Sister 
Nancy  Clover  to  fire  or  charge  with  bayonets  upon  the  in- 
truders.   She  said : 

"Prepare  to  fire." 

Like  lightning  the  brethren  aimed  at  the  intruders,  who 
now  scampered  away  much  faster  than  they  came  ;  and 
the  bloody  conspirators  were  master  of  their  own  ground, 
who  felt  gleeful  over  the  victory  they  obtained.  Sister 
Nancy  Clover  spoke  as  follows  : 

"Beloved  saints,  don't  you  see  what  imanimity  of 
action,  a  bold  face  and  undaunted  courage  do  V  These 
villains  were  evidently  meaning  mischief ;  but,  what  or 
hoAV  they  liappened  to  come  here  I  cannot  contrive.  They 
were  evidently  suspicious  that  we  had  something  to  do 
with  brothers  Pier's  and  Stew's  absence  from  the  religious 
celebration ;  because  notliing  but  sickness  or  death  could 
keep  these  faithful  saints  from  such  a  religious  gathering. 

"  But,  how  did  they  know  all  about  our  secret  work,  for 
that  man  actually  spoke  as  though  he  knew  more  than  he 
oug])t  to  know.  Can  this  demoniacal  Dr.  Juno  have 
fatlionaed  our  brotherhood,  and  have  spies  on  our  track  ? 


206  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"It  is  a  good  thing  that  the  deacon,  as  well  as  Brother 
Pier,  is  improving  very  rapidly,  and  will  both  soon  be  well, 
when  this  matter  may  be  brought  before  the  Court  of  Ses- 
sions ;  however,  it  may  be  wiser  not  to  agitate  anything  of 
this  kind,  but  time  will  tell  best  what  we  would  better  do. 
I  shall  be  too  happy  to  have  brothers  Stew  and  Pier  again 
with  us,  for  counsel,  and  to  aid  our  noble  cause,  which 
seems  to  be  assailed  in  several  new  quarters." 

At  this  part  of  the  proceedings,  the  ])liysician-in-chief  of 
the  insane  asylum  took  the  floor,  and  said  : 

"Mr.  President  and  beloved  saints,  I  am  fully  persuaded 
in  my  own  mind,  from  what  I  have  lately  seen,  that  our 
enemies,  through  the  instrumentality  of  Dr.  Juno,  are 
gaining  ground  upon  us  rapidly ;  and  unless  we  fortify 
ourselves  by  renewed  efforts  in  all  directions,  we  shall 
surely  be  overpow^ered.  I  do  not  speak  thus  to  discourage 
the  brotherhood,  but  to  rivet  them  closer  together  in 
thought,  feeling  and  action,  so  that  we  will  not  have  any 
more  quarrels  and  fights  amongst  ourselves,  which  is  like 
a  house  divided  against  itself,  by  depriving  us  of  a  power 
that  w^e  most  need  just  now.  It  would,  astonish  you  to 
know  how  much  trouble  we  have  had  with  Miss  Arming- 
ton  at  the  asylum,  and  the  indomitable  energy  this  young 
lady  possesses ;  why,  she  has  almost  turned  the  head,  the 
other  week,  of  one  of  our  most  loyal  managers  ;  and  if  slie 
has  tliat  much  influence  with  our  best  people,  what  a 
mighty  auxiliary  she  would  be  to  the  cause  of  Dr.  Juno, 
should  she  by  any  chance  escape  us  !  " 

"  Nonsense  ;  you  certainly  do  not  think  it  possible  for 
her  to  escape,  do  you  ?  "  asked  Nancy  Clover. 

"  Well,  no  ;  but  it  is  hard  to  tell  what  influence  this 
innovator  may  bring  to  bear  against  us,"  said  the  physi- 
cian-in-chief. 

"But  does  he  know  that  Miss  Armington  is  in  the 
asylum?"  ejaculated  Sister  Clover.  "How  could  he 
know  it  ?  " 

"  He  knows  more  than  some  of  us  think,"  said  he  ;  "  but 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  207 

I  do  not  think  he  knows  it,  still  I  think  he  suspicions  it ; 
because  he  has  been  there  himself." 

"Dunner  und  blitzen,  I  tinks  you  bis  a  sed  o'  fools,  to 
bis  so  skeert ;  mine  Cot,  I  yust  winch  unzer  decon  whash 
bin  veil,"  exclaimed  Honson  Teafel,  for  the  first  time. 


CHAPTER  XLIX. 

LTJCINDA  DOFFS  THE  DEACON'S  CLOTHES,  AND  THREAT- 
ENS TO  SHOOT  THE  CONSPIRATORS. 

jtHEX  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  was  fired  at  by 
Deacon  Rob  Stew,  when  they  returned  her  to 
her  cell,  he  missed  her ;  on  account  of  his 
wounded  arm  he  could  not  guide  the  revolver, 
therefore  the  bullet  barely  escaped  the  hip  of  the  physi- 
cian-in-chief, who  was  frightened  out  of  a  year's  strength, 
and  who  exclaimed  : 

"  I  am  confomided  and  confused  at  the  state  of  things. 
"What  is  the  matter  between  you  two,  will  either  of  you 
explain  ?  " 

Neither  felt  disposed  to  do  so.  The  deacon  felt  ashamed 
and  a  little  conscience-stricken,  although  one  might  sup- 
pose that  his  conscience  was  so  perfectly  seared  that  noth- 
ing could  touch  it ;  and  Miss  Armington  was  too  dignified 
and  insulted  to  gratify  them  by  explaining  what  the  reader 
already  knows. 

At  last  the  old  lover  of  this  heroic  damsel  said  : 

"  If  you  wish  to  know  how  all  this  came,  I  will  tell  you, 
after  you  restore  to  me  my  wearing  apparel." 

"What !  have  you  given  your  clothes  to  her  for  the  pur- 
pose of  allowing  her  to  escape  in  this  disguise  ?  "  asked 
the  physician-in-chief. 

"  Xo,  indeed,  I  did  not  give  them  to  her  " — 

"Yes,  you  did,  coward,"  interrupted  she. 


208  TilE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF    1900;   OR, 

"We — 11,  yes,  I  did  give  them  to  her,  but  not  volunta- 
rily," stMunaered  the  deiicon. 

"  I  see  now  how  it  was,"  said  one  of  the  managers. 

"  Will  you  please  darken  this  cell,  and  then  compel  her 
to  give  me  my  clothes  V  and  after  I  am  dressed,  andTeady 
to  leave,  I  will  tell  you  all  about  it,"  responded  the  deacon. 

The  cell  was  now  darkened,  and  Miss  Armington  was 
requested  to  dismantle  and  convey  her  disguise  to  the 
owner  of  it.    She  said  : 

"  Oh,  gentlemen,  do  not  fret  yourselves  about  it,  here 
are  his  trappings ;  and  now  I  ask  him  to  make  a  hasty 
retreat  from  my  presence,  or  I'll  make  the  old  villain  sweat 
before  he  gets  away." 

In  a  moment  these  militant  lovers  had  their  wardrobes 
arranged  to  a  degree  of  chastity  in  the  dark  cell,  when  the 
deacon  said : 

"  I  am  ready,  give  us  light  ;  but,  O  Lord,  how  my  arm 
aches." 

"  Your  arm  ?  "  responded  the  physician-in-chief,  "  what 
causes  it  to  ache  ?  " 

"Why,  this  she-devil  of  a  woman  shot  me  through  it," 
said  he. 

"  How  did  she  get  the  pistol  ?  "  asked  one  of  the  man- 
agers. 

"  Well,  brothers,  I  am  now  ready  to  tell  you  all  about  it. 
I  have  been  in  the  habit  of  visiting  her,  and  she  treated 
me  so  savagely  that  I  feared  slie  would  do  me  personal 
violence  sometime  " — the  men  laughed  at  this,  whicli  dis- 
pleased him. — "  You  may  laugh,  but  I  would  as  lief  be 
housed  up  with  a  mad  bull  as  with  an  infuriated  she-devil 
like  her."  He  gave  her  a  fiendish  look  at  this  moment, 
which  was  responded  with  a  glare  from  her  ej^es  that  lie 
knew  meant  mischief.  "  Brothers,  let  us  leave  this  cell,  I 
■will  tell  you  all  about  this  matter  elsewhere,"  timidly  said 
the  deacon. 

"  I  would  rather  you  would  tell  us  all  in  the  presence  of 
iliss  Armington,  as  we  should  like  to  hear  wliat  she  has  to 
say  to  it,"  ejaculated  the  physician -In-chief. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  203 

"Will  you  then  keep  lier  safely  away  from  me,  for  my 
arm  is  painful,  and  she  may  make  an  assault  upon  me, 
when  I  tell  you  all  V  "  said  he. 

The  men  laughed  again,  and  Miss  ArmLugton  could 
scarcely  keep  from  doing  the  same,  but  she  wanted  to 
frighten  the  old  deacon,  and  cure  him  from  venturing  in 
the  future  into  her  cell. 

"Go  on,  Brother  Stew,  we  will  warrant  that  she  shall 
not  touch  you,"  replied  the  physician-in-chief. 

"  I  have  been  to  visit  this  w-oman  occasionally  on  errands 
of  real  charity ;  in  fact,  I  loved  the  girl,  and  would  have 
taken  her  from  this  place  and  made  her  my  own  wife ; 
therefore,  you  may  know  that  I  intended  no  harm,"  said 
the  deacon  ;  "but  she  abused  me  awfully,  and  the  last  visit 
preceding  tliis  one,  she  actually  threatened  my  life  "— 

"Cowardly  cut-throat,  tell  the  whole  of  it,"  interrupted 
Miss  Armington. 

"Who  has  a  right  to  speak  ?"  continued  the  deacon, 
savagely.  "  Well,  brothers,  I  made  up  my  mind  that 
hereafter,  when  I  would  visit  this  modest  virgin,  I  would 
carry  weapons  of  defence ;  therefore,  I  brought  that 
revolver  with  me  to-day  " — 

"How  came  she  to  possess  it,"  interrupted  one  of  the 
men, 

"She  took  it  from  me  as  I  was  about  to  defend  myself 
against  a  furious  assault  upon  me.  I  should  have  shot  her, 
undoubtedly,  had  she  not  knocked  it  from  my  hand,  in  less 
than  the  sparkle  of  an  eye,  and  as  quickly  picked  it  up,  and 
presented  the  muzzle  of  it  to  my  breast,  and  vowed  she 
would  shoot  me  dead  if  I  hesitated  to  obey  her  orders.  I 
saw  that  she  meant  what  she  said,  but  still  I  thought  she 
would  not  shoot  so  freely  as  she  once  used  her  fists  upon 
me  ;  but  I  misplaced  confidence  in  her,  which  is  proved  by 
her  firing  a  bullet  through  my  right  arm,  on  the  least  pre- 
varication on  my  part  to  comply  with  her  august  orders. 
She  vowed,  after  sending  tliat  bullet  through  my  arm.  that 
the  next  time  I  hesitated,  when  she  asked  me  to  do  a  thing, 
14 


210  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OE, 

she  would  shoot  me  thioiigh  the  heart.  Kow,  I  am  not  a 
coward,  but  discretion  " — 

"Ha!  ha!  ha!"  hxughed  Miss  Armmgton,  whilst  she 
interrupted  him,  and  gave  liim  a  terribly  defiant  look. 

"  Yes,  laugh,  you  miserable  she-devil ;  but  the  next  time 
I  have  business  with  you,  I  will  fix  you  so  you  cannot  do 
any  harm  to  me  or  any  one  else,  mind  that,"  said  he.  ''I 
was  going  to  say  that,  under  certain  circumstances,  discre- 
tion was  the  better  part  of  valor  ;  therefore,  I  obeyed  the 
fiend  and  ingrate,  and  trusted  to  Providence,  and  you  see 
He  has  favored  me  " — here  he  gave  her  a  look  that  meant 
victory — "  as  He  always  does  the  elect " — 

"You  will  see  Avhom  'He  favors,'  if  you  live  a  little 
longer,"  interrupted  Miss  Armington,  considerably  em- 
bittered and  chopfallen. 

"Never  mind,  my  lady,  I  will  be  even  with  you  j'et," 
ejaculated  the  deacon  ;  and  continued  :  "  But  this  she- 
devil  was  not  satisfied  witli  shooting  through  this  arm,  but 
ordered  me  immodestly  to  take  off  my  coat,  pants,  vest 
and  hat,  and  give  them  to  her  ladyship.  I  even  hesitated 
a  moment,  wlien  she  raised  the  pistol  to  my  breast,  and, 
luidoubtedly,  would  have  fired  had  I  not  quickly  obeyed  ; 
then  she  ordered  me  to  tear  a  sheet  to  fragments  and  tie 
my  own  feet  together,  and  make  a  loop  and  ]ilace  my  hands 
■into  it,  when  she  had  me  secured  as  you  have  found  me." 

Miss  Armington  kept  her  eye  upon  tlie  pistol,  after  the 
physician-in-chief  took  it  from  the  deacon,  and  with  a 
bound  she  grasped  it,  and  jumped  into  the  corner  of  her 
cell,  and  said,  pointing  the  pistol  toward  the  deacon's 
head  : 

"INow,  leave  sneedily,  all  of  3'^ou,  or  T  will  rid  this  world 
of  a  lot  of  the  vilest  cut-throats  that  ever  breathed  the 
breath  of  life." 


THE  COIfSPIEATOES  AJSD  LOVERS.  211 


CHAPTEE  L. 

THE  LEADING  BLOODY  CONSPIRATORS  AT  LOGGER- 
HEADS. 

ilUICKLY  the  deacon  moved  toward  the  door  and 
said  : 
"I  will  go ;  please  put  that  pistol  away !  " 
The  physician-in-chief  stepped  forward  toward 
Miss  Armington  and  exclaimed  : 

"  You  certainly  would  not  fire  so  imprudently  ?  " 

"Wouldn't  I,  then,"  she  interrupted  him,  and  instantly 
pointed  the  pistol  at  his  face,  when  he  dodged,  and  the 
party  of  conspirators  left  precipitately  and  bolted  the 
doors  behind,  then  repaired  to  the  medical  office,  where 
the  deacon  asked  the  physician-in-chief  to  examine  and 
dress  his  arm. 

Afterwards  they  argued  as  follows  : 

"  What  will  we  do  with  this  woman  ;  she  has  that  loaded 
revolver,  and  no  one  is  safe  to  go  to  her  cell  whilst  she 
has  it  ?  "  said  one  of  the  managers. 

"Ah  !  "  responded  the  deacon  ;  "you  do  not  think  it  so 
funny  to  have  a  loaded  pistol  pointed  at  yotir  heads  ;  but, 
When  I  related  my  perilous  adventure  with  this  desperate 
girl,  you  thought  it  an  excellent  joke  !  I  cannot  see  what 
has  come  over  her  ;  when  she  lived  home  with  her  father, 
she  was  a  perfect  lady;  quiet,  chaste,  modest,  kind  and 
very  polite,  but  now  see  what  she  is." 

"You  need  not  wonder  at  the  change,  for  she  has  the 
general's  blood  in  her,  that  never  knew  fear  or  favor  in 
time  of  war,  and  our  treatment  toward  the  poor  girl  is 
desperate  war,"  ejaculated  the  physician-in-chief.  "How 
many  loads  does  that  revolver  hold  ?  " 

"  Six,"  replied  the  deacon,  "  but  I  only  had  five  loaded." 

"Let  me  see  ;  how  many  shots  have  been  fired  since  she 
took  it  from  you  V  "  asked  one  of  the  men. 


212  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"  She  fired  three  down  stairs,  one  at  the  deacon,  and  the 
deacon  one  it  her;  that  makes  the  five,"  said  the  physi- 
cian-in-cliief. 

"Surely,  if  you  are  certain  that  she  fired  three  times 
down  stairs,  the  pistol  must  now  be  empty  ;  therefore  her 
threats  were  barren,  but  slie  as  little  knew  that  as  we  did," 
responded  the  deacon.  "I  am  glad  that  I  am  safely  away 
from  where  she  is,  and  I  do  not  know  that  I  will  ever  risk 
my  life  in  her  presence  again,  unless  I  first  chain  her  se- 
curely." 

"  Oh  !  Brother  Stew,  you  would  certainly  not  be  so  cruel 
as  to  do  that,"  angrily  interposed  the  sympathetic  man- 
ager. 

"  WovUdn't  I,  then  ?  "  continued  the  deacon.  "  Well,  I 
am  not  so  sure  but  that  I  should  be  tempted  to  do  any- 
thing to  revenge  myself  on  her,  for  the  luuiiiliation  to 
which  she  has  subjected  me.  She  is  a  perfect  devil !  I 
never  could  have  believed  that  the  female  lived  who  dared 
do  as  she  did.  I  am  astonished,  angered  and  pleased  with 
her  heroism.  Ye  gods,  what  would  not  such  a  woman  be 
worth  as  a  wife  I  If  I  only  could  by  some  means  gain  her 
affections." 

"  Dear  brother,  never  dream  of  gaining  that  lady's  affec- 
tions ;  because  such  stock  as  she  would  never  forget  the 
injury  you  have  done  her.  Moreover,  she  is  fired  to  re- 
doubled energy  by  the  love  she  bears  that  Dr.  Juno.  She 
is  your  life-long  foe,  and  would  send  yon  to  glory,  rather 
than  be  happy  with  you,  or  even  see  you  happy,"  ejacu- 
lated the  physician-in-chief. 

"  I  don't  believe  all  you  say ;  because  if  she  had  desired 
my  death,  she  could  have  taken  my  life  after  she  had  me 
bound  and  gagged,"  said  the  pious  Deacon  Stew. 

"  Slie  had  other  fish  to  fry ;  to  escape  was  her  ambition, 
and  not  to  kill  you  ;  moreover,  slie  believes  that  your  con- 
science will  prevent  you  from  being  happy,  and  she  may 
have  thought  far  enough  to  have  doubted  if  she  could  es- 
cape, and  she  wants  you  to  live,  she  said,  to  see  you  suffer 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND   LOVERS.  213 

by  the  vengeance  that  her  lover  will  visit  upon  you,"  said 
the  physician-in-chief. 

''  Bah  !  "  responded  the  deacon  ;  "  the  vengeance  that  her 
lover,  the  heretic  Juno,  will  visit  upon  me  I  do  not  fear. 
Far  distant  is  the  day  when  he  will  have  that  satisfactory 
opportunity  to  wreak  vengeance  on  me." 

'•'■Do  not  be  too  sure  of  that,  dear  brother,"  responded 
the  sympathetic  manager,  "for  Dr.  Juno  is  making  rapid 
strides  toward  gaining  immense  popularity." 

"What!  are  you  one  of  his  sympathizers?  Do  you 
doubt  our  success  in  finally  overcoming  this  innovator,  and 
how  dare  you  connive  with  him  V  "  ejaculated  the  deacon. 

"O  my  brave  (?)  deacon,  who  skulks  from  a  little 
woman,  you  should  not  be  quite  so  pompous  and  self-con- 
ceited ;  you  do  not  now  have  me  in  Tabernacle  Hall,  where 
you  are  monarch  of  all  you  survey  ;  but  even  there,  some 
of  these  days  you  will  get  yourself  taken  down,  mark  my 
words,"  said  the  sympathetic  manager,  who  was  in  love 
with  Miss  xlrmington. 

"]May  the  curse  of  the  Almighty  strike  you  deaf  and 
dumb  for  tliis  secession  !  You  are  a  very  dangerous  man 
to  be  trusted  with  the  secrets  of  our  sacredly  secret  con- 
clave, and  I  will  see  that  your  case  will  receive  early  atten- 
tion ;  remember  Harry  Gossimer,  the  apostate  ! "  furiously 
interposed  Deacon  Stew. 

"Gentlemen,  or  brothers,  this  is  neitlier  the  time  nor 
place  to  discuss  and  quarrel  over  matters  that  are  part  and 
parcel  of  our  conclave  and  holy  cause  ;  therefore  I  charge 
you,  be  silent  and  do  not  fight  amongst  yourselves,  or 
surely  the  downfall  of  our  house  is  not  far  in  the  distant," 
responded  the  physician-in-chief. 

"It  is  my  duty  to  chastize  any  renegade  brother  who 
has  taken  our  Sf)lemn  oath  and  is  familiar  with  all  the 
inner  workings  of  our  cause  ;  and  this  sympathizer  of  the 
Juno  crowd  must  be  summarily  liandled,  or  surely  the 
sainthood  will  suffer  through  his  apostasy,"  exclaimed  the 
deacon. 


214  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

"  Better  be  moderate,  Brother  Stew,"  said  the  physician- 
in-chief,  which  aggravated  the  domineering  deacon,  when 
he  said  : 

"  Well,  I  shall  require  an  explanation  at  our  next  meet- 
ing at  Tabernacle  Hall,  concerning  the  peculiar  conduct 
of  both  of  you  ;  and  as  for  Miss  Armington,  I  will  pay  her 
another  visit  before  long,  and  show  her  my  power ;  there 
is  something  going  on  that  I  cannot  comprehend,"  said 
the  deacon. 

"  1  should  not  wonder  but  you  could  not  comprehend 
the  brow-beating  and  personal  chastisement  that  the  little 
lady  up  stairs  gave  you.  You  want  something  similar 
some  of  these  days,  by  the  brethren,  to  show  you  your 
proper  place,  you  cowardly  tyrant,"  ejaculated  the  sympa- 
thetic manager. 

The  deacon  was  fairly  foaming  at  his  mouth  with  rage  •, 
but  what  could  he  do  with  his  lame  arm,  except  grin  and 
bear  the  insults  that  he  received  in  this  asylum  V  It  will 
be  remembered  that  at  the  following  meeting,  as  already 
described,  the  deacon  and  Rev.  Joe  Pier  got  a  solid  beat- 
ing, which  was  partly  caused  by  the  sympathetic  manager, 
and  which  nearly  cost  the  pious  deacon's  life  for  his 
temeritj'. 

These  brethren  parted  with  rather  conflicting  senti- 
ments and  bitter  feelings  toward  each  other,  a  thing  that 
must  have  pleased  the  guiU'dian  angels  of  Dr.  Juno  and 
company. 


CHAPTER  LI. 

NAXCY  CLOVER   LECTURING  DEACON  STEW. 

IjEACOX  ROB  STEW  and  Rev.  Joe  Pier  were 
confined  three  weeks  in  the  secret  chamber  of 
Tabernacle    Hall,   suffering   from   the  terrible 
beating  that  the  saintly  brethren  dealt  them  so 
generously,  without  money  and  without  price. 


THE  CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  215 

The  deacon  suffered  immensely ;  was  delirious  and  in 
agony  for  several  days,  and  when  he  came  to  his  senses 
again  Sister  Nancy  Clover  had  several  quiet  discussions 
with  him,  in  which  she  counselled  him  to  be  more  moderate 
and  cautious  in  his  deportment  toward  the  saints,  other- 
wise he  would  prove  the  worst  enemy  to  the  cause,  by 
being  over-zealous  and  too  severe. 

He  did  not  feel  disposed  to  agree  with  his  beloved  Sister 
Nancy  Clover,  and  said  : 

"  You  are  like  all  the  rest,  giving  me  advice  that  is  not 
sought  for ;  therefore,  I  do  not  value  it ;  hence,  shall  not 
heed  it.  If  you  folks  had  our  holy  cause  as  much  at  heart 
as  I  have,  you  would  be  equally  zealous  in  promulgating 
its  advancement,  and  quite  as  severe  on  delinquents,  back- 
sliders and  apostates  as  I  am." 

"Brother  Stew,"  said  the  sister,  "you  are  mistaken  in 
your  logic  and  the  course  you  are  pursuing.  You  cannot 
drive  intelligent  and  heroic  minds  as  you  can  the  lower 
classes  of  the  sainthood.  You  should  be  old  enough  to 
know  that,  in  a  project  like  ours,  a  great  deal  of  policy,  in 
the  shape  of  a  little  flattery,  is  necessary  to  cause  an  ener- 
getic unanimous  action.  Cannot  you  see  that  this  beating, 
that  you  and  Brother  Pier  received,  was  caused  by  the 
spite  the  brethren  had  against  you,  for  being  so  terribly 
rigid  with  them  V  Had  you  used  a  little  more  soft  soap 
instead,  neither  you  nor  Joe  Pier  would  have  had  any  need 
to  suffer  from  the  terrible  bruises  you  have  received." 

"If  your  logic  is  correct,"  said  he,  "why  did  they  strike 
Brother  Pier,  he  never  was  severe  on  any  of  them,  but  as 
mild  as  mush  and  milk,  and  as  easily  seared  as  a  child  of 
five  years  V  " 

"  But  on  account  of  being  afraid  of  you,  he  invariably 
enforced  your  commands,  contrary  to  his  own  convictions, 
which  caused  them  to  despise  him,  instead  of  hating  hira 
as  they  did  you.  Since  you  have  been  lying  sick  in  this 
place,  I  have  lectured  to  the  bretliren  iu  such  a  manner  as 
to  cause  them  to  be  a  unit  again,  and  tliey  are  now  all 


216  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

friendly  toward  both  you  and  Brother  Pier.  I  tlierefore 
pray  you  to  take  my  advice  ;  and  when  you  come  before 
them  again  be  resolute  and  determined,  but  more  concilia- 
tory than  you  were  before,  when  you  will  strengthen  the 
bonds  of  sainthood,  and  cause  a  powerful  unanimous  co- 
operation with  the  whole  religious  world,"  said  Xancy 
Clover. 

"  My  beloved  sister,"  said  he,  "•  I  must  acknowledge  that 
you  are  the  best  and  wisest  strategist  living  ;  therefore,  I 
will  most  heai'tily  and  thankfully  carry  out  your  excel- 
lent advice.  You  must  have  labored  hard  and  suffered 
much  since  that  night  of  the  fight." 

''  You  are  right,  I  liave  done  all  that,  but  I  never  find  it 
hard  to  conciliate  the  sainthood  ;  however,  I  use  policy, 
and  by  shrewd  flattery  and  common  sense  appeals  to  the 
disturbed  minds,  I  am  always  capable  of  exercising  an  in- 
fluence that  works  favorably  in  carrying  out  the  plans  in 
anticipation.  Probably  you  have  noticed  this  on  several 
occasions,"  responded  Nancy  Clover. 

"Yes,  beloved  saint,  I  have  seen  it,  and  had  it  not  been 
for  you  and  your  wise  coiuisel  our  sacredly  secret  conclave 
would  have  gone  to  ruin  long  before  this  time.  You  really 
are  an  angel,  worth  ten  thousand  butterflies  like  the  modest, 
fashionable  women  of  our  age.  I  adm'ire  a  woman  that 
can  act  Jier  part  dauntlessly  in  life's  great  conflict.  There 
are  only  two  females  on  this  earth,  that  I  am  acquainted 
with,  whom  I  admire.  You  are  the  one,  and  INIiss  Lucinda 
Armington  is  the  other,"  seriously  said  the  deacon. 

"  Bah  !  "  exclaimed  Sister  N'ancy  Clover,  with  a  con- 
temptuous sneer  on  her  countenance,  "  wliat  do  you  see  in 
her  to  admire  ?  She  is  a  i)oor,  weak,  silly  fool  of  a  chit,  and 
I  am  astonished  at  you  to  admire  the  one  that  despises 
you,  and  is  your  mortal  enemy." 

"  I  cannot  help  admiring  and  loving  the  little  imp,"  said 
the  deacon  ;  "  because  she  has  the  mettle  of  a  heroine,  and 
fire  of  an  infuriated  tigress  ;  noble  qualities  in  a  woman,  if 
she  knows  how  to  use  tlvm,  as  Miss  Armington  does." 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  217 

"Indeed,"  ejaculated  jSTancy  Clover;  "and  when  and 
where  did  you  detect  all  these  excellent  qualities  in  that 
despicable  creature  V  It  must  have  been  since  we  had  her 
carried  to  the  asylum." 

"Certainly;  it  has  been  since  she  is  confined  in  the 
asylum,"  said  the  deacon. 

He  now  related  his  adventures  with  Miss  Armington, 
with  which  the  reader  is  familiar,  when  Sister  ISTancy  said : 

"  So  you  admire  and  love  the  character  of  a  woman  wlio 
can  work  her  own  way  through  calm  and  storm  ?  Well, 
brother,  I  admire  you  for  having  so  much  good  sense,  for 
it  would  be  better  for  the  race  of  mankind  if  women  would 
learn  to  stand  upon  their  own  legs— I  mean  their  own  in- 
alienable rights— and  although  I  hate  Miss  Armington, 
because  she  is  our  enemy,  yet  I  nevertheless  think  more  of 
her  for  having  thrashed  you,  and  also  for  that  most  ludi- 
crous exchange  of  apparel.  Really,  beloved  brother,  the 
latter  incident  seems  very  ludicrous  to  me,  although  it  may 
have  been  almost  death  to  you  ;  yet,  as  you  admire  the 
heroine,  for  such  she  is,  in  spite  of  everything,  you  must 
look  upon  it  in  the  same  light  that  I  do." 

"Truly,  dear  sister,"  responded  the  deacon,  "I  often 
laugh  to  myself  about  the  ridiculous  picture  I  must  have 
made.  If  any  one  could  have  seen  the  whole  affair,  he 
would,  undoubtedly,  have  enjoyed  it  amazingly  at  my  ex- 
pense, as  the  boys  did  at  tlie  bull-frogs." 

"  How  was  that  ?  "  said  she. 

"Did  you  never  hear  that  stoiT  ?  Several  boys  were 
throwing  stones  at  the  frogs,  whicli  was  fun  for  them,  but 
death  to  the  frogs." 

"  Surely,  your  case  was  not  unlike  the  frogs,  and  you 
were  a  lucky  frog  to  have  gotten  off  so  easily,"  said  Sister 
Clover. 

"  Yes,  dear  sister  ;  but  j'ou  know  that  the  Lord  always 
favors  His  elect ;  and,  altliougli  I  have  received  several 
assaults  recently,  you  can  readily  see  the  finger  of  Jehovah 
each  time  pointing  to  my  side,  which  saved  my  life  in  the 


218  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

most  perilous  conflicts,  and  I  have  unbounded  faith  that 
God  will  protect  me  on  any  occasion,"  exclaimed  the 
deacon. 

"Do  not  be  too  sure  of  all  that,  good  brother;  for  al- 
though my  faith  in  God  and  in  our  lioly  cause  is  equal  to 
anybody's,  yet  there  are  certain  fixed  laws  which  lie  has 
made,  and  which  we  are  ordained  to  learn  and  obey,  else 
Ave  cannot  stand  erect  and  safe  in  life  or  death,"  said  she. 

"  Ilut-tut !  dear  sister,  do  you  know  that  you  are  advo- 
cating Dr.  Juno's  cause  when  you  speak  that  way  ?  I  hope 
you  are  unlike  one  of  the  managers  of  the  insane  asylum, 
who  was  a  great  admirer  of  Miss  Armington,  and  is  evi- 
dently in  sympathy  with  this  heretic,"  ejaculated  the 
deacon. 

"Truth  is  mighty.  Brother  Stew,"  said  she,  "but  I  will 
not  commit  myself  in  public  or  before  the  sainthood,  as 
you  did,  to  receive  a  furious  pummeling,"  laughed  she. 

"  Eeally,  you  are  a  trump ;  say  or  do  what  I  will,  you  al- 
ways catch  me  in  some  corner,  which  plainly  shows  that 
you  are  the  better  man  of  us  two  ;  therefore,  I  shall  heed 
your  excellent  advice  now  and  in  the  future,"  exclaimed 
the  deacon. 

Brother  Joe  Pier  came  into  the  room,  when  the  conver- 
sation was  changed. 


CHAPTER   LII. 

LUCINDA  BITES  DEACON   STEW'S  EAR  NEARLY  OFF. 

HEN  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  the  physician-in-chief 
and  managers  were  suddenly  driven  out  of  Miss 
Armington's  cell,  by  tlie  handsome  manoeuvre 
of  the  young  heroine  with  tlie  empty  ])isto],  the 
deacon  was  determined  to  pay  her  a  visit  as  soon  as  con- 
venient, some  evening,  when  he  could  bribe  a  few  of  tiie 
keepers  to  handcuff  her  for  him,  then  surely  he  would  be 
master  over  the  proud  and  fearless  girl     however,  lie  did 


THE   COXSPIRATOES   AND    LOVERS.  210 

not  expect  that  he  would  be  so  roughly  handled  by  his  o-\A'n 
people  before  he  would  have  the  pleasure  of  treating  him- 
self to  a  coercive  interview  with  Miss  Armiugton. 

As  soon  as  he  was  right  well  again,  he  made  his  evening 
visit  to  the  asylum,  and  bribed  George  and  William  to 
join  him  at  eight  o'clock  that  evening,  to  go  with  him  to 
her  cell ;  and  said  he  to  them  : 

"I  have  a  pair  of  excellent  handcuffs  here,  which  I  want 
you  to  put  securely  on  her  wrists,  joining  her  hands  behind 
her  back,  so  that  she  cannot  strike  me  with  them  ;  and  be 
sure  that  you  graduate  them  so  she  cannot  slip  them  off  ; 
by  this  screw  you  can  make  them  larger  or  smaller,  and 
when  you  have  done  it,  come  out,  and  I  will  go  in  to  her, 
and  Avhen  I  have  done  with  her,  I  will  come  out  and  let 
you  go  in  and  remove  the  cuffs  again.  I  also  want  you  to 
turn  the  gas  on  her  cell,  and  light  a  glimmer,  so  1  can 
have  light,  should  I  desire  it ;  now  go  in,  seize  and  hand- 
cuff her." 

"  But,  should  she  scream,  and  we  be  detected  ?  "  respon- 
ded one  of  them. 

"Xever  mind,"  said  his  deaconship,  "she  will  not 
scream,  she  is  not  of  that  sort ;  but  she  may  fight  you  like 
an  infuriated  demon  ;  therefoi-e,  do  not  give  her  an  idea  ot 
your  intentions  until  you  have  an  opportunity  to  grasp  her 
hands." 

"  Oh,  never  fear,"  said  George  ;  "  we  understand  how  to 
handle  strong  lunatics ;  why  should  we  hesitate  or  fail  to 
manage  a  weak  lady  like  lier  ?  "  laughing  at  the  absurdity 
of  such  caution  by  the  deacon. 

"All  right,"  interposed  the  deacon,  "only  you  secure 
her  before  you  come  out  of  her  cell.  One  thing  more  ;  she 
has  that  revolver  in  her  possession,  Avith  which  she  shot  at 
some  of  you  several  weeks  since  ;  but  it  is  empty,  of  this  I 
assure  you,  therefore,  should  she  threaten  to  shoot  you 
with  it.  be  not  afraid  of  that." 

"Enough,"  ejaculated  they  simultaneously,  and  made 
their  ingress  to  her  presence. 


220  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

The  pure  and  innocent  maiden  was  sitting  by  her  table, 
with  her  elbows  resting  upon  it,  and  her  hands  to  her  face, 
whilst  her  eyes  were  turned  toward  the  skylight  overhead, 
from  which  the  light  of  day  still  caused  a  glimmer  to  de- 
scend into  her  cell.  Suddenly  she  heard  tlie  presence  of 
George  and  William,  when  she  sprang  to  her  feet  and 
ejaculated  : 

"  Who's  there  ?  and  what  do  you  want  at  this  unseason- 
able hour  of  the  day  ?  " 

They  advanced  toward  her  without  saying  a  word,  when 
she  said,  tiercely : 

"  Stop,  or  I'll  shoot  you !  " 

"  Your  threats  are  barren,  for  your  pistol  is  empty  ;  we 
know  what  we  are  about,"  exclaimed  George,  and  fear- 
lessly advanced,  when  she  dealt  him  a  blow  with  the  heavy 
revolver  that  sent  liim  spinning  like  a  wheel ;  AV'illiam 
now  tried  his  hand,  when  he  also  received  a  dangerous 
blow  on  the  top  of  his  head,  which  struck  him  dumb  to 
the  floor.  Having  thus  disabled  her  enemies,  she  boldly 
stood  stdl,  preparing  herself  for  a  second  blow,  should 
they  advance  again  ;  in  a  few  moments  George  scrambled 
up  and  said : 

"Miss  Armington,  we  do  not  wish  to  harm  you,  nor  did 
we  come  here  of  our  own  accord  to  insult  you  ;  but  we 
were  ordered  here  " — 

"Who  ordered  you,  and  what  to  do?"  interrupted  the 
heroine  in  a  defiant  air. 

Silence  reigned  for  several  minutes,  wlien  a  deep  groan 
came  from  the  place  where  William  lay,  when  George 
said  : 

"  You  have  killed  him  ! " 

"  AVhat  is  that  to  me  ':*  and  T  kindly  tell  you,  unless  you 
leave  me,  I  will  kill  you  botli,  mark  m<^^ !"  said  f;1ie. 

The  deacon  heard  that  a  terrible  scuffle  was  going  on  in- 
side of  tlie  cell,  wlien  he  opened  the  outside  door,  however, 
carefully  allowing  the  inner-gate  to  remain  locked  ;  he  saw 
William  silting  on  the  floor  in  a  position  as  though  be  was 


THE   COXSPIEATOES   AInD    LOVERS.  221 

going  to  rise  to  his  feet,  but  was  unable  to  do  so  ;  George 
was  standing  in  front  of  William,  parleying  with  Miss 
Armington,  whose  back  was  turned  toward  the  door. 

The  deacon  now  made  a  noise  as  if  he  was  going  to  come 
in,  which  caused  Miss  Armington  to  turn  partly  around, 
and  when  she  saw  some  one  coming  she  felt  lost,  as  she 
could  not  guard  before  and  behind  herself  ;  therefore,  she 
expected  to  be  overpowered,  but  she  made  up  her  mind  to 
warm  the  inunsters  before  tliey  should  secure  her.  As  she 
turned  toward  the  door,  George  grasped  both  her  arms 
from  behind,  which  made  her  almost  powerless  ;  still,  she 
tussled  a  good  while  with  him  before  he  succeeded  iu  hand- 
cutHng  her. 

She  knocked  his  handcuffs  twice  to  the  floor,  and  had 
not  William  been  able  to  put  the  first  one  on,  he  probably 
never  would  have  gotten  them  on.  William  was  still  stu- 
pefied, and  it  was  all  he  could  do  to  fasten  the  cuff  on  her 
delicate  wrist ;  of  course,  when  this  first  arm  was  secured, 
George  had  an  easy  time  to  fasten  the  second  one,  which, 
when  done,  he  let  go  of  the  young  lady's  person.  When 
the  deacon  saw  this  he  asked  : 

"  Have  you  handcuffed  her  securely  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  replied  George. 

"  Then  I  will  come  in,"  said  he. 

"  Oh  !  you  most  miserable  coward,  I  thought  it  was  your 
pusillanimous  work,"  ejaculated  the  persecuted  young 
lady. 

"  Trulj-,  miss,  I  made  up  my  mind  to  be  even  with  you," 
said  the  deacon,  and  giving  the  boys  orders  to  leave,  he 
closed  the  door,  whilst  all  this  time  Miss  Armington  was 
very  docile,  acting  as  though  she  would  submit  to  anything 
almost.    She  thouglit : 

''  1"11  throw  the  pious  coward  off  his  guard,  until  I  see  an 
opportunity  to  punish  him." 

The  saintly  deacon  now  began  to  abuse  her ;  he  black- 
guarded her ;  said  that  he  thought  he  would  get  her  in  a 
position  that  he  could  easily  manage  her,  as  he  now  had 


222  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900  ;   OR, 

her ;  that  he  intended  to  often  visit  her  this  hour  of  the 
night,  when  lie  could  have  the  services  of  the  men  to  hand- 
cutf  her  for  him,  and,  continued  he  : 

*■'  I  mean  to  use  you  just  as  I  please,  since  you  refuse  to 
become  my  wife  ;  however,  I  will  again  say  that  if  you  will 
voluntarily  marry  me,  I  will  not  force  you  to  become  as 
good  as  my  wife  ;  now  choose  between  the  two,  for  I  shall 
conquer  you." 

"■  Do  you  think  so  V  "  said  she. 

"I  know  so,"  interposed  his  holiness,  "for  the  Lord  is 
always  on  the  side  of  His  elect." 

At  this  moment  he  placed  his  arm  around  her  waist  and 
pulled  her  to  his  breast,  she  submitting  gracefully,  only 
she  turned  her  face  aside,  when  he  kissed  her  on  the  cheek  ; 
suddenly  she  took  his  long  ear  into  her  moutli,  and  bit  it 
until  the  deacon  fairly  yelled,  "  Murder !  murder  I  " 


CHAPTER  LIII 

DR.   JUNO'S  STIRRING  SPEECH  TO  THE   "  SECRET  ORDER 
OF    NATURALISTS." 

p.  VICTOR  JUNO  promised  to  lead  his  men 
through  these  devils'  ground,  and  on  the  night  of 
meeting  for  that  purpose,  he  spoke  to  the  brothers 
of  the  "  Order  of  Naturalists,"  as  follows  : 
"Dear  Brothers  :— You  all  know  what  is  incumbent 
upon  every  one  of  us  in  these  troublous  times.  When 
the  leaders  of  piety  meet  in  secret  conclave  continually, 
for  the  purpose  of  subjugating  those  who  behold  God  in 
Nature,  and  who  recognize  Nature  to  be  the  language 
through  and  by  which  an  Infinite,  Beneficent  and  Immu- 
table Creator  speaks  to  us  in  scientific  'arts,'  it  is  time 
that  we  gird  on  the  armor,  not  only  of  defence,  but  of  ag- 
gression. 
"We  have  been  stigmatized  by  these  bloody  conspirators 


THE   COXSPIRATORS   AND    LOVEPvS.  223 

as  heretics,  infidels,  obscene  libellists,  seducers  of  innocent 
"women,  cheats,  profaners  of  the  '  temple  of  God,'  and,  in 
sooth,  epithets  and  acts  have  been  heaped  upon  us  in  pub- 
lic, private,  by  pen,  tongue,  muscle  and  the  knife;  yea, 
dungeons  and  their  concomitants  were  made  the  recipients 
of  our  bodies,  whilst  we  were  rdt)bed  of  every  right  tliat  is 
inalienable  to  man  and  beast ;  therefore,  as  we  have  never 
taught  nor  practised  anything  that  would  injure  or  defile 
body,  soul  or  spirit  of  friend  or  foe,  young  or  old,  male  or 
female,  the  time  has  arrived  for  us  to  act  bravely  in  the 
aggressive,  until  we  strike  terror  to  the  hearts  of  these 
vile  leaders  of  the  blind,  whom  these  comparatively  few 
demons  lead  on  to  the  work  of  dividing  and  subdividing 
the  holy  Church  of  God,  until  hosts  of  mean,  bigoted  sec- 
tarians claim  to  be  the  elect  of  God,  when  they  are  the  fol- 
lowers of  false  prophets,  false  Christs,  blind  leaders,  and  by 
deceiving  themselves,  are  made  the  tools  of  the  veriest  cut- 
throats that  ever  disgraced  God's  footstool, 

"I  ask  each  one  of  you  then:  Do  we  love  our  scientific, 
progressive,  teacliings  and  an  infallible  Creator  as  much  as 
these  vile  vipers  do  their  master — the  devil — and  his  work  ? 
Do  we  fear  them  who  can  destroy  the  body,  but  cannot 
harm  the  soul  of  the  just  V  Do  we  assume  to  be  men, 
wiiilst  we  permit  these  serfs  of  the  devil  to  usurp  all  power 
on  earth,  or  will  we  strike  for  our  rights,  our  homes,  God 
and  fixed  law  V 

"These  few  leading  conspirators  misguide  and  jeopard- 
ize the  lives  of  the  millions,  who  believe  them  to  be  the 
oracles  of  heaven,  when  they  are  the  very  ones  who  rob 
them  of  the  knowledge  of  God's  fixed  laws,  deprive  them 
of  natural,  Cliristian  freedom,  and  use  them  as  the  veriest 
dupes  to  cai-ry  out  their  own  hellish  work,  Avhilst  they  have 
no  more  love  for  them  than  imps  have  for  angels. 

"I  have  tliousands  of  times  lain  in  my  bed  wondering 
how  it  was  possible  for  these  Pharisaical  leaders  to  hold 
the  sincerely  inclined  religious  peoyjle  in  such  ignorance  of 
God's  hallowed  laws,  and  in  bondage  to  sectarian  mo- 


224  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900  ;    OR, 

nopoly,  God  is  generous.  Jesus  was  generous.  Xature 
is  bountiful,  and  by  uniting  all  the  sound  sense  that  is 
contained  in  the  Bible,  we  must  conclude  as  rational  crea- 
tures that  salvation  must  be  the  acme  of  all  the  '  arts  and 
sciences;'  but,  yet,  the  examples  and  precepts  of  Cln-ist, 
who  was  the  alplia  and  omega  of  obedience  to  fixed  natural 
law,  are  as  nothing  to  the  sectarian  Christians. 

"  Let  us  worship  God  as  much  as  possible  as  Jesus  did,  by 
'good  works,'  which  centre  in  the  improvement  of  the 
.race,  the  amelioration  of  those  whom  we  are  commanded 
to  love  as  ourselves  ;  and  let  us  comprehend  that  we  can- 
not carry  out  that  holy  injunction  until  we  make  natural 
the  habits  of  the  whole  people  ;  yes,  physiology  must  be- 
come the  catechism  of  the  nations. 

"  Brothers,  there  were  three  kinds  of  slavery,  two  of  which 
still  exist,  that  must  be  abolished  before  our  cause  can  have 
free  scope  : 

''  First,— and  least,  was  Xegro  Skwery. 

"  *Seco«ci!,— Social— including  Marital  and  Sectarian  Sla- 
very ;  and 

"  Third, — and  worst.  Slavery  to  the  Eating,  Drinking, 
Sexual  and  Filthy  Lucre  Propensities. 

''  The  least  of  these  tliree  slaveries  has  been  abolished  by 
the  sword,  the  next  to  the  least  is  the  slavery  of  the  wife  to 
her  husband,  who  must  bear  his  embraces,  cliildren,  obey 
him,  but  does  not  belong  to  herself  nor  own  tlie  property 
that  she  earns  with  her  own  hands,  yet  she  must  nourish 
his  children  at  her  own  breast  and  feed  them,  whilst  the 
man  may  be  slave  to  rum,  tobacco,  licentiousness,  etc. ;  but 
the  same  selfish  sectarian  spirit  that  sanctions  this  social 
serfdom  also  enthrals  its  misled  victim  ;  but  the  slavery 
that  the  '  Order  of  Naturalists  '  aim  to  abolisli  is  the  king 
of  slavery,  because  it  undermines  the  constitutions  of  the 
race  so  gradually  tliat  few  can  be  made  believe  that  it  de- 
flies  the  '  temple  of  God  ; '  deteriorates  the  blood,  rots  or 
petrifies  the  bodily  tissues,  thereby  scientifically  hardening 
the  heart,  causing  the  spirit  of  selfishness,  and  the  propen- 


THE    COXSPIRATOr.S    AND    LOVERS.  225 

sities  of  men,  women  and  children  to  master  the  moral  na- 
ture of  the  race,  whose  love  is  so  cold  on  accomit  of  this 
worst  kind  of  slavery  ! 

"  Therefore,  our  cause,  which  is  so  offensive  to  the  bloody 
conspirators  and  their  followers,  strikes  at  the  root  of  all 
evil,  which,  when  understood  and  adhered  to,  will  abandon, 
of  its  own  free  accord,  the  lesser  evils,  and  give  each  person 
capacity  to  master  his  own  spirit,  when  he  and  she  will  be- 
come bona  fide  legislators  or  voters,  and  through  love  to 
God  and  mankind  will  govern  everything  with  an  eye  sin- 
gle to  God's  glory  ;  thus,  the  Iklillennial  dawn  will  appear, 
and  the  Image  of  God  will  be  substituted  for  the  image  of 
the  devil,  or  image  of  ugliness  and  disease  ;  and  love  will 
be  free  amongst  the  inhabitants  of  the  earth,  who  will  be 

"'Slave  to  no  sect,  that  takes  no  private  road, 
But  looks  through  nature  up  to  nature's  God; 
Pursues  that  chain  which  links  th'  immense  design, 
Joins  heaven  and  earth,  and  mortal  and  divine; 
And  knows  where  faith,  law,  morals  all  heyan, 
All  end  in  love  to  God,  and  love  to  man  !' 

"  In  conclusion,  brethren,  let  me  reiterate  that  with  these 
Christ-like  sentiments  and  right  on  our  side,  we  are  clad  in 
the  armor  of  heaven  ;  hence,  knowing  that  we  are  right,  we 
can  fight  to  the  hilt,  if  it  be  necessary  to  do  so,  to  abolish 
the  worst  of  slavery  !  The  genuine  Christian  will  always 
sacrifice  the  good  of  the  few  for  the  many ;  will  sacrifice 
himself,  if  necessary,  for  the  cause  of  God  and  his  wonder- 
ful works  and  fixed  laws  ;  therefore,  when  we  meet  the  foe 
to-night,  and  danger  stares  us  in  the  face,  remember  that 
'  our  cause  it  is  just,  and  this  be  our  motto,  in  God  is  our 
trust  ? '  and  the  banner  of  freedom  in  triumph  shall  wave 
when  our  work  is  completed  through  God's  power  in  the 
brave  ;  then,  onward  and  upward,  let  your  prayer  of  might 
be  a  bugbear  of  death  to  the  bloody  conspirators  until  they 
are  ousted  from  their  lofty  (?)  reign  of  terror,  and  are  made 
to  respect  God's  fixed  law  of  nature,  or  are  degraded  and 
banished  from  the  field  of  human  life  I  " 
15 


226  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF    1900;   OR, 


CHAPTER  LIV. 

DR.  JUNO  MOBS  THE  INSANE  ASYLUM  AND  FREES 
LUCINDA. 

ilRECISELY  at  nine  o'clock  Dr.  Juno  started  with 
his  one  hundred  drilled  men,  who  were  armed  to 
their  teeth,  in  squads,  for  the  Insane  Asylum. 
He  told  them  that  he  would  stay  with  the  leading 
company,  and  after  one  of  them  would  gain  access  to  the 
outer  gate  of  the  asylum  he  would  march  his  squad  spee- 
dily into  the  yard,  bind  and  gag  the  gate-keeper,  or  who- 
ever else  would  be  there  ;  a  signal  would  be  given  to  the 
rest  to  follow,  afterwards  he  would  general  them  as  he 
thought  it  best ! 

They  reached  the  outer  gate  at  half-past  nine,  and  entered 
It  easily,  and  after  securing  the  keeper  at  that  post,  and 
the  whole  regiment  was  admitted,  Dr.  Juno  ordered  six 
men  to  guard  that  place,  when  he  marched  with  his  com- 
pany or  squad  toward  the  principal  door  of  the  main  build- 
ing ;  the  same  had  already  been  locked  for  the  night ;  the 
bell  was  rung  gently,  which  caused  an  old  drowsy  fellow  to 
open  it  abruptly,  and  asked  : 

"  Who  rings  the  bell  this  time  of  night  V  This  is  not  the 
door  to  receive  insane  folks." 

"Is  it  not  V"  said  Dr.  Juno,  and  added,  "  Seize  him," 
which  also  meant  gag  and  bind  him.  This  door  was 
guarded  by  two  men,  and  after  twenty-five  active  brethren 
were  inside,  the  doctor  ordered  a  captain  to  take  the  bal- 
ance of  the  men  and  guard  the  outside  building,  permitting 
no  one  to  enter  or  escape  short  of  the  penalty  of  death,  and 
to  be  ready,  should  a  signal  be  given,  for  their  attendance 
inside  ! 

The  doctor  now  said  to  his  men  : 

"I  think  we  had  bptter  secure  the  officers  of  the  asylum 
first,  and  imprison  them  by  bolting  them  securely  in  cells, 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  227 

or  use  ropes  on  them  ;  where  is  Thomas,  who  is  acquainted 
with  this  whole  establishment  V  " 

"  Here  I  am,  brother,"  said  he. 

"Show  us  to  the  officers'  apartments,"  responded  Dr. 
Juno. 

In  an  instant  they  stood  before  the  physician-in-chief  s 
office,  which  was  lit  up,  and  upon  a  knock  on  the  dogr,  a 
sharp  voice  asked : 

"  Who  is  there  V  " 

"  I  am  here,"  replied  Thomas,  who  imitated  the  voice  of 
one  of  the  keepers,  whom  he  knew. 

"Wait  a  moment  until  I  unbolt  the  door,"  said  the 
physician-in-chief. 

In  a  moment  the  office  was  filled  with  soldiers,  when  the 
physician-in-chief  readied  for  a  bell-pull  and  asked  : 

"  Who  are  you,  and  what  means  this  intrusion  ?  " 

"Not  so  fast,  sir,"  said  Dr.  Juno  ;  "it  is  not  necessary 
for  you  to  pull  that  bell,  neither  is  it  necessary  to  tell  you 
who  I  am.  I  am  no  ways  disguised,  like  some  of  my  ene- 
mies, when  they  are  on  errands  of  deviltry.  We  are  here 
on  an  errand  of  justice  and  mercy.  Not  to  harm  any  one, 
if  we  can  obtain  what  we  came  for  voluntarily ;  but  if  re- 
sistance is  made,  we  shall  kill  those  who  come  in  our  path 
like  vermin  ;  mark  me ! "  authoritatively  spoke  Dr.  Juno. 

"You  are  Dr.  Juno,"  said  the  prisoner;  "but  what  is 
your  pleasure  ?" 

"AVe  want  Miss  Lucinda  Armington!"  commanded 
Dr.  Juno. 

"  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  ! "  ejaculated  the  prisoner, 
feigning  surprise.  "  I  cannot  give  you  what  I  have  not 
got  to  give." 

"Here,  old  viper,  none  of  that,"  said  Dr.  Juno  ;  "gag 
and  bind  the  villain,  and  see  that  you  handle  him  rigidly, 
for  the  old  rogue  shall  learn  how  it  feels  to  be  a  prisoner, 
for  his  lying." 

"  Murder !  mur —  "  cried  he,  but  before  he  got  it  out  the 
second  time,  a  piece  of  an  old  rag  was  jammed  into  his 


228  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

gustatory  apartment.  They  let  him  lie  on  the  floor  of  his 
office,  left  it  and  locked  the  door  and  took  the  key. 

"  Lead  on,  Thomas,  in  the  direction  of  the  rest  of  the 
officers,"  commanded  Dr.  Juno.  Soon  they  arrived  at  the 
general  office,  where  the  business  of  the  asylum  is  issued 
from,  and  there  they  met  four  of  the  night  officials,  who 
were  always  on  the  alert  for  danger. 

Dr.  Juno  spoke  in  a  commanding  manner  : 

"Gentlemen,  we  want  you  to  surrender  yourselves 
peaceably  as  prisoners  of  war,  when  no  harm  shall  befall 
you." 

"We  are  not  so  sure  of  that,  my  brave  hero,"  said  an 
impudent  voice,  who  jerked  the  alarm  bell  immensely, 
which  was  as  quickly  replied  to  by  Dr.  Juno,  who  said  to 
his  men  : 

"  The  half  of  you  will  take  care  of  the  outsiders,  and  the 
balance  charge  upon  these  men  ! " 

The  man  that  sounded  the  alarm  and  spoke,  opened  a 
table  drawer,  and  took  a  revolver  therefrom,  which  he 
levelled  at  Dr.  Juno's  heart ;  but,  before  he  could  fire.  Dr. 
Juno  gave  him  a  terrific  blow  with  his  huge  fist  on  the 
temple,  which  levelled  Mm,  and  in  a  minute  every  man  was 
securely  done  up,  as  was  the  fashion. 

The  outside  men,  however,  did  not  succeed  so  well,  as 
their  numbei'S  were  in  the  minority  as  compared  with  the 
keepers  and  general  help  of  the  place  ;  but  as  soon  as  Dr. 
Juno  made  his  appearance  on  the  spot,  he  said  : 

"  Soldiers,  fire  upon  any  one  who  makes  any  advances ! " 

This  caused  an  inclination  to  create  a  stampede.  TVhen 
Dr.  Juno  saw  this,  he  again  ordered  : 

"Any  man  that  moves  to  leave  the  place,  shoot  him  dead 
also ! " 

All  stood  still  and  trembled  with  terror ;  Dr.  Juno  saw 
this,  and  said : 

"You  are  the  hired  servants  of  this  hell-hole,  and  I 
want  you  to  imderstand  that  we  will  not  harm  you,  if  you 
obey  my  orders ;  but  if  you  refuse,  you  may  meet  your 


THE   CONSPIRATOKS   AND   LOVERS.  229 

God  quickly  for  disobeying  me,  for  I  am  hard-hearted  and 
will  be  observed." 

"  What  do  you  wish  us  to  do  V  "  asked  one. 

"  I  want  you  all  to  surrender  yourselves,"  said  Dr.  Juno, 
"and  show  us  an  apartment  wherein  we  can  securely  im 
prison  you  for  a  short  period." 

"Take  us  to  the  main  cell,  which  is  empty,"  said  the 
same  prisoner. 

They  were  all  conducted  into  that  cell,  which  was  first 
inspected  by  Dr.  Juno  as  to  its  security.  After  they  had 
entered.  Dr.  Juno  asked  them  : 

"  Have  you  got  the  key  to  Miss  Armington's  cell,  in  the 
third  story  V  " 

Silence  reigned,  and  no  one  seemed  to  answer,  when  he 
continued  : 

"Do  you  refuse  to  speak?  I  want  you  to  understand 
that  I  will  not  show  you  any  quarters,  provided  you  resist 
me  by  word  or  deed  ;  therefore,  answer  instantly,  who  has 
that  key?" 

"  I  have,"  exclaimed  a  burly  fellow ;  "  here  it  is." 


CHAPTER  LV. 

MEETING  OF  VICTOR  AND  LUCINDA  IN  HER  CELL. 

T  was  George  who  had  the  key,  and  who  gave  it 
to  Dr.  Juno,  when  they  bolted  the  cell  doors  and 
left  three  soldiers  to  guard  the  prisoners. 
One  of  the  keepers  escaped  the  vigilance  of 
Dr.  Juno,  and  passed  around  through  another  corridor  to 
the  physician-in-chief 's  office,  wath  the  intention  of  arous- 
ing an  alarm  ;  but  when  he  got  to  the  office  door,  he  found 
it  locked ;  he  then  called,  knocked  and  listened  betimes, 
when  he  heard  a  muffled  voice  saying  : 
" I  am  locked  in ;  get  a  key  and  come  in." 

20 


230  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

He  tried  his  keys,  and  found  that  one  of  them  unlocked 
the  door  ;  he  rushed  to  the  spot  where  the  prisoner  lay, 
and,  removing  his  shackles,  said  : 

"  Heaven !  doctor,  all  the  keepers  and  help  are  arrested 
and  imprisoned  in  the  main  cell;  what  shall  we  do  V  " 

"  You  leave  the  asylum  by  the  rear  gate,  and  arouse  the 
neighborhood,  and  be  sure  you  do  it  quickly ;  in  the  mean- 
time I  will  see  what  I  can  do,"  said  the  physician-in-chief. 

Very  foolishly  the  guards,  who  were  left  to  protect  all 
the  bound,  gagged  and  locked-up  prisoners,  paid  no  atten- 
tion to  the  doctor's  office,  esteeming  the  physician-in-chief 
safe  enough  for  as  long  as  they  cared  for  his  incarceration ; 
but  they  missed  it  a  little  in  this  conclusion. 

Dr.  Juno,  after  receiving  the  key  to  Miss  Armington's 
cell,  asked  Thomas  to  lead  the  way  to  it ;  and  when  the 
lover  speedily  threw  the  doors,  four  in  niunber,  open,  and 
appeared  in  Miss  Armington's  presence,  what  should  he 
see  but  a  demon  inclining  over  the  poor  girl,  who  was  all 
bloody ;  Dr.  Juno  hurled  him  aside  as  though  he  were  a 
flea,  and  picked  the  prostrate  prisoner  and  beloved  of  his 
soul  up  from  the  floor  and  laid  her  gently  on  the  bed, 
thinking  that  she  was  dead ;  but  he  soon  saw  signs  of  life 
reappearing,  and  in  a  few  minutes  she  asked : 

"  O  God,  where  am  I  V,"  and  screaming  with  all  her 
miglit :  "  Go  away,  you  fiend,  or  I'll  murder  you  yet !  " 

Dr.  Juno  kissed  her  on  the  forehead,  and  exclaimed : 

"My  precious  darling,  your  own  betrothed  is  by  your 
side ;  fear  nothing." 

She  opened  her  eyes  with  amazement,  and  hysterically 
stammered : 

"  Great  God,  is  i — t  y — o — u  ?  O  let  this  not  be  a  dream ! 
I  pray,  I  pray,  great  Father,  let  this  not  be  a  dream  that 
will  vanish  with  the  awakening  of  my  slumbers  !  " 

"  No,  no,  my  precious  one,  it  is  not  a  dream,  but  a  bona 
fide  reality,"  ejaculated  Dr.  Juno,  with  immense  tears  in 
his  eyes,  whilst  he  dropped  his  face  iipon  her  neck  and 
wept  like  a  child,  until  he  shook  from  head  to  foot.    Miss 


THE   CONSPIEATOES   AND   LOVERS.  231 

Armington  came  to  realize  that  her  own  beloved  Victor 
was  holding  her  in  his  own  dear  arms,  when  she  exclaimed : 

"  Where  is  Deacon  Stew  ?  " 

"  What !"  thundered  Dr.  Juno,  whilst  he  sprang  away 
from  the  young  lady,  and  grasped  the  bloody  deacon  in  his 
hands,  and  dashed  him  upon  the  floor  like  a  dog,  whilst  he 
was  just  going  to  jump  upon  his  face  with  his  heels,  when 
Miss  Armington  said  : 

"O  Victor,  come  here." 

When  he  went  to  her,  she  replied : 

"Do  not  murder  him,  my  dear  Victor,  leave  him  to 
heaven,  and  the  wrath  of  his  Maker." 

"Darling,  your  opportune  words  have  saved  his  miser- 
able life ;  but  what  has  he  done  t9  you  that  you  are  so 
bloody?" 

"  The  blood  that  you  see  on  me  came  from  Ids  body,  not 
from  mine,"  said  she.  "  He  had  me  handcuffed,  and  then 
he  insulted  me" — 

"  What !  handcuffed  you  ?  "  interrupted  he. 

"Yes,  and  they  hurt  my  wrists  severely ;  please  remove 
them,  dear  Victor." 

"Great  heaven  !  you  handcuffed,  and  I  not  see  it ;  what 
a  stupid  fellow  I  am,"  said  Victor;  "but  I  will  murder 
this  foul  demon  ;  soldiers,  bind  him  like  a  felon,  place  his 
hands  uncomfortably  behind  his  back  ;  look,  like  this  poor 
young  lady's  are,  only  make  them  tighter,  so  he  may  re- 
ceive his  reward." 

"  Have  you  the  keys  to  these  handcuffs,  old  hypocrite  ?  " 
asked  Dr.  Juno  of  the  deacon. 

"IS'o,  sir,  I— I  h— a— V— e  not,"  stammered  he. 

"  Who,  then,  has  got  them  ?  Be  quick,  or  you'll  die  on 
the  spot,"  exclaimed  Dr.  Juno. 

"  George  has  got  them,"  responded  the  deacon. 

"George  is  the  man  who  gave  you  the  cell  keys,"  said 
Thomas  to  Dr.  Juno. 

"  Oh,  yes ;  he  gave  me  a  bunch  of  keys  ;  I  guess  he  was 
wise  enough  to  have  added  the  cuff  keys  ;  let  me  see ;  here 


232  THE   SOCIAL    WAR  OF    1900;    OR, 

they  are,  I  think  ;  yes,  all  right  my  darling,  free  once  more 
from  the  shackles  of  these  bloody  conspirators^  who  shall  be 
tortured  nigh  unto  death,  but  sliall  yet  live  to  feel  their 
degradation,  whilst  they  writhe  in  agony,"  ejaculated  Dr. 
Juno. 

"  Mercy,  O  mercy  !  be  merciful !  "  prayed  the  deacon. 

"Merciful!  ha!  ha!  ha!  merciful  to  you;  to  you,  a 
fiend,  a  carrion  monster,  a  cut-throat,  a  ravisher  of  inno- 
cent helpless  women ;  you  dare  to  ask  for  mercy  at  my 
hands  again,  and  I  will  cut  you  to  pieces  by  slow  degrees, 
and  cauterize  every  incision,  you  infamous  dare-devil,  or 
rather  leprous  coward.  May  the  double  curse  of  God  fall 
on  your  pestiferous  head,"  exclaimed  Dr.  Juno,  with  ter- 
rific emphasis. 

A  noise  was  heard  down  stairs,  Avhen  Dr.  Juno  con- 
tinued : 

"  We  will  away  from  this  place.  Soldiers,  take  this  scab 
on  decent  people — the  deacon  (V) — to  my  office,  but  gag 
him  before  you  remove  him  " — 

"I  pray  you,  do  not  gag  me ;  I  will  keep  silent,  come 
what  will  or  may,  if  you  do  not  gag  me,"  stammered  the 
deacon. 

"  Silence,  old  ruffian  ;  men  of  your  stamp  are  never  to  be 
trusted  ;  I  know  you  too  w'ell.  I  know  of  too  many  foul 
deeds  t1iat  you  Avere  ringleader  or  commander  of,  so  gag 
the  fine  (V)  deacon  (?),  and  load  him  on  the  express  wagon, 
and  haul  him  direct  to  my  office,  and  six  of  you  guard  him 
tliere  until  I  come.  Here,  take  these  handcuffs  with  you, 
I  shall  use  them  on  him  as  a  memory-strengthening  plaster 
for  the  pious  (?)  deacon,"  responded  Dr.  Juno. 

At  this  moment  a  soldier  came  up  stairs,  and  said  to  Dr. 
Juno : 

"General  Juno,  the  physician-in-chief,  whom  you  had 
gagged  and  bound,  has  disapi^eared.  and  another  man  es- 
caped from  the  asylum  l)y  a  back  entrance  ;  I  am  afraid 
they  may  arouse  the  neighborhood,  and  give  us  trouble." 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  233 

CHAPTER  LVI. 

DR.   JUNO  OFFERS  AMNESTY  TO   THE  CONSPIRATORS. 


OCTOR  JUNO  and  his  regiment  left  the  asylum 
about  one  o'clock  a.m.,  without  any  trouble, 
with  the  exception  that  he  did  not  get  to  see  the 
physician-in-chief,  to  whom  he  intended  to  give 
some  sound  advice  before  he  would  free  him  ;  however,  he 
gave  it  to  the  four  night  managers,  who  still  continued  in 
fetters,  with  the  exception  of  the  gags.  They  were  re- 
moved for  the  purpose  of  taking  the  oath  that  Dr.  Juno 
proposed.    He  spoke  to  them  as  follows  : 

"You  belong  to  this  fine  orthodox  hell-hole,  and  un- 
doubtedly are  members  of  the  sacredly  secret  conclave  of  the 
bloody  conspirators^  and  therefore  I  hold  you  as  my  mortal 
enemies  ;  hence,  expect  no  mercy  from  me,  but  instantly 
answer  me  such  questions  as  I  shall  ask  you  ; "  pointing  to 
each  separately,  he  continued  :  "Are  you  a  member  of  that 
secret  conclave?  " 

"I  am,"  said  one. 

"Are  you  one  also  V  "  asked  Dr.  Juno  of  another. 

"I  shall  not  answer  that  question,"  said  the  one  now 
addressed. 

"  You  will  not  answer,  indeed  !  But  I  think  you  will, 
and  I  will  give  you  half  a  minute  to  do  so  by  my  watch," 
responded  Dr.  Juno,  holding  his  watch  in  his  hand  :  "No 
answer,  the  half  a  minute  is  up  ;  soldiers,  use  the  torment- 
ors on  this  scoundrel  until  he  is  ready  to  answer." 

The  soldiers  applied  three  tormentors  to  him,  which 
consisted  of  thin  ropes  \\\i\\  liandles  to  the  ends  ;  the  ropes 
were  put  around  a  limb,  and  then  twisted  by  the  handles 
until  the  victim  cried  enough  or  died.  Whilst  the  soldiers 
were  torturing  the  stubborn  man,  the  doctor  asked  the  re- 
maining two  whether  they  belonged  to  the  said  conclave, 
who  freely  answered  in  the  affirmative.    The  torments 


234  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

acted  like  a  charm  upon  the  stubborn  man,  who  said  that 
he  did  not  belong  to  said  conclave. 

"I  do  not  believe  you!"  said  Dr.  Juno,  "and  I  tell 
you  now,  for  once  only,  that  1  will  brook  no  lying  from 
any  man,  friend  or  foe  ;  for  if  you  lie,  in  saying  that  you 
do  not  belong  to  said  conclave,  and  after  I  ascertain  from 
these  men  that  you  do  belong,  I  will  torture  you  worse 
than  for  anything  else." 

"  Then  I'll  speak  the  truth  ;  I  do  belong  to  the  conclave," 
said  he. 

"So  I  thought,"  responded  Dr.  Juno.  "Kemove  the 
tormentors  ;  and  now  let  me  warn  each  one  of  you  not  to 
be  rebellious,  but  answer  me  in  everything  truthfully,  for 
I  shall  ask  you  many  questions  only  to  try  your  veracity  ; 
questions  that  I  know,  if  true  or  not ;  also,  do  as  I  com- 
mand. As  you  are  ready  to  hear  my  advice,  I  charge  you 
to  be  attentive,  that  you  may  hear  and  understand  what  I 
say  to  you,  else  your  own  lives  may  be  made  to  pay  the 
penalty  of  your  recklessness. 

"  This  advice  is  for  your  own  good,  and  is  nothing  of  a 
secret  order,  therefore  be  not  alarmed  ;  but  act  like  men 
of  honor,  and  turn  from  error.  You  are  undoubtedly 
aware  that  both  myself  and  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  have 
been  abducted,  some  time  since,  and  were  cast  into  this 
charnel-house  by  your  bloody  clique ;  and  you  must  also 
know  that  Miss  Armington  was  still  confined  within  these 
walls  until  this  present  moment. 

"  I  came  here  to  liberate  her,  not  to  injure  you,  nor  for 
the  purpose  of  revenging  myself ;  but  to  serve  God  and  my 
fellow-creatures ;  to  save  even  your  own  souls  and  bodies 
from  further  degradation  and  despair  ;  and  whilst  I  am 
compelled  to  be  cruel  to  the  perverse  and  prejudiced,  I  am 
nevertheless  ready  to  receive  the  vilest  penitent  sinner  to 
my  ranks,  and  would  rejoice  were  I  capable  to  save  every 
bloody  conspirator  ;  however,  such  men  as  Deacon  Rob  Stew 
and  your  physician-in-chief  are  very  self-righteous  and  liar- 
dened  sectarian  blasphemers,  who  must  be  severely  dealt 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  235 

with  to  bring  them  to  their  true  sense  of  understanding 
things  ;  but  I  may  say  to  you  that  whilst  my  summary  pun- 
ishment of  yourselves  is  severe,  and  may  seem  no  better 
than  that  which  was  heaped  upon  myself,  Miss  Armington, 
Harry  Gossimer,  Jemmy  and  others  by  your  clique  ;  still, 
the  object  is  different. 

"I  visit  chastisement  upon  you  and  my  enemies,  not 
from  jealousy,  malice,  selfishness  or  worldly  power,  but  for 
the  purpose  of  abolishing  a  crying  evil !  For  the  purpose 
of  saving  mankind  from  the  yoke  of  partisan  and  sectarian 
bondage  ;  that  love  to  God  and  mankind  may  rule  his 
kingdom  in  accordance  with  the  generous  teachings  of 
Jesus  and  the  infallibility  of  nature's  laws ;  therefore  I 
offer  you,  even  you,  my  bitter  enemies  and  prisoners,  the 
same  boon  of  salvation  that  I  claim  for  myself,  and  if  you 
will  repent  of  what  i-s  past,  and  turn  from  the  error  of  your 
ways,  and  join  God's  rational  Christians,  we  will  welcome 
you  with  open  hearts  and  hands,  as  our  precious  Master, 
Christ  Jesus,  pardoned  and  accepted  sinners  who  forsook 
their  evil  ways,  and  took  up  their  cross  and  followed  him ! 

"  To  me  it  makes  no  difference  whether  you  and  your 
bloody  clique  publish  to  the  world  what  has  this  night 
transpired  in  this  place  or  not ;  because,  if  you  do  so,  it 
will  cause  a  speedy  expose  of  your  own  deviltry,  and  prove 
to  the  world  that  I  have  been  the  friend  to  humanity, 
whilst  you  persecuted  me  to  your  utmost  capacity  for  serv- 
ing God  and  mankind  ! 

"  I  now  ask  you  to  repeat  the  following  oath,  which  you 
dare  not  violate  ;  but  before  I  will  propose  it  I  am  willing 
to  pause  for  a  moment,  for  the  purpose  of  learning  from 
you  if  either  or  all  of  you  have  made  up  your  minds  to  for- 
sake these  bloody  conspirators  ;  therefore,  speak  V  " 

"  I  would  be  willing  to  do  so,  but  I  was  compelled  to  take 
the  solemn  oath  of  the  said  conclave,  which  is  a-w'f  ul,  and  it 
would  be  dangerous  for  any  member  to  violate  it,  indepen- 
dent of  the  hereafter,"  responded  the  man  who  first  said  he 
belonged  to  said  conclave.       ■' 


236  THE  SOCIAL  WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

"You  must  bear  in  mind  that  God  will  forgive  anything 
that  the  penitent  man  will  ask  by  returning  to  '  good  loorks  ;  ' 
by  ceasing  to  do  evil  and  learning  to  do  right ;  and  as  for 
the  danger  to  your  own  life,  I  would  also  have  you  to  know 
it  is  tenfold  greater  in  the  place  you  stand  now  than  it  would 
be  were  you  to  discard  the  shackles  of  demoniacal  serfdom 
and  become  a  free  man  !  "  ejaculated  Dr.  Juno. 

"Will  you  give  me  time  to  think  over  this  matter?" 
asked  he. 

"  Yes,  sir,  your  own  time  ;  but  I  shall  now  ask  each  of 

you  to  separately  pronounce  the  oath  after  me :  '  I, 

solemnly  swear,  without  mental  reservation,  that  I 


will  never  more  conspire  against  the  followers  of  Dr.  Juno, 
nor  against  him  personally,  so  help  me  Grod  I  And  further, 
should  I  ever  be  found  to  do  so,  I  will  not  ask  for  mercy, 
but  receive  my  reward  according  to  the  deeds  committed 
in  the  body,  and  this  I  solemnly  swear  by  my  body,  soul 
and  spirit !  May  the  Lord  help  me  to  keep  this  vow ! 
Amen.' 

"  Now,  misled  brothers,  farewell ;  but  be  kind  enough  to 
acquaint  your  leaders  of  what  has  transpired,  and  tell  them 
that  this  advice  is  also  meant  for  each  of  them  ! " 


CHAPTER   LYIL 

LUCINDA  FKEE  AND  AT  HEU  OWN  HOME  AGAIN. 

^FTER  Dr.  Juno  had  finished  his  lecture  to  the 
four  prisoners,  he  conveyed  Miss  Lucinda  Arm- 
ington  to  a  carriage  in  waiting  for  this  purpose, 
and  carried  her  to  her  own  old  home,  which  was 
still  in  possession  of  Pat  O'Conner  and  Judy  McCrea  ;  and 
when  he  reached  the  house  he  ordered  the  footman  to  ring 
the  bell  and  arouse  the  servants.  Shortly  after  causing 
several  strong  pulls  upon  the  door-bell,  Pat  O'Conner  ran 
his  head  out  at  a  second-story  window  and  exclaimed : 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  237 

""Who  bees  thare?  An'  what  do  ye  want  this  time 
o 'night  y  " 

"  Pat,  come  down,  and  call  Judy  also  to  be  with  you.  I 
have  your  mistress  here  ;  you  certainly  know  me, '  square ' ! " 
said  Dr.  Juno.  "  Square  "  was  a  secret  word  by  which  Pat 
and  the  doctor  were  to  know  each  other  if  ever  found  in 
danger  where  they  could  not  recognize  each  other. 

"Och  !  be  Sant  Patrick,  it  bees  Dochtor  Juno,"  ejacula- 
ted Pat  to  himself,  and  he  donned  his  garb  in  a  moment, 
and  aroused  his  Judy  darlin',  shouting  gleefully  : 

"  Judy,  darlin' !  Judy  !  Och  !  Judy,  begorrah  !  Dochtor 
Juno  bees  down  sthairs  wid  our  Mishtress  Lucinda,  cum, 
cum  queek  !  " 

Judy  sprang  to  her  feet  like  lightning  and  exclaimed  : 

"  Pat,  ye  air  adreamin',  an'  shure  thare  bees  no  trooth  in 
it ;  but  ye '11  git  into  trooble  ef  ye  ain't  kereful ;  mind  that 
for  a  warnin'." 

"Judy,  darlin',  cum,  an'  don't  be  afoolin'  wid  yer  ba- 
trothed  an'  mishtress,  ye  slapy  goose  ;  cum,  I  say  '' — 

"  Yis,  Pat,  I'm  acumin'  strate,"  interrupted  Judy. 

Pat  opened  the  front  door  courageously,  for  he  knew  for 
a  certainty  that  it  was  Dr.  Juno  ;  but  Judy  was  scared  and 
suspicious  until  she  saw  Miss  Armington  and  Dr.  Juno, 
when  she  bellowed  forth  in  terrific  hysterics  of  delight, 
grasping  Miss  Armington  around  the  neck  : 

"  They  Lord  !  they  Lord  !  they  Lord !  Och  !  me  swate 
lady!  0-0-0-c-h  !  me  swate  lady !  am  I  awake  !  0-0-ch, 
me  swate  lady  cum  back,  an'  for  shure  !  But  ye  look  so  thin 
an'  pale.    Och  !  me  swate  lady  !  " 

"Judy,  an'  ye  mak  a  fool  ov  yerself,"  snivelled  Pat 
O'Conner,  whilst  Dr.  Juno  and  Miss  Armington  both  wept 
with  joy  and  gratitude  !  It  was  a  happy  moment  all 
around,  and  for  once  servant,  mistress  and  master  felt  as 
one  family,  without  distinction.  The  bravery  of  Pat  and 
Judy,  and  their  lasting  fidelity  to  the  welfare  of  their  em- 
ployers, supported  by  their  faith  in  God's  justice  and  in  the 
virtue  of  the  persecuted,  made  them  the  beloved  creatures 
of  the  household. 


238  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

Dr.  Juno  broke  the  ice  by  saying  in  a  cheerful  manner : 

"  Well,  my  faithful  friends,  I  have  kept  my  promise  " — 

"An' shure  ye  hav,"  interrupted  Pat,  still  weeping  as  if 
his  Irish  heart  would  burst ;  "an'  ye  bees  the  gratest  man 
livin',  an'  be  me  sowl  I'd  giv  me  life  fur  ye  inny  time,  so  I 
would  I " 

"  Thank  you,  Pat ;  I  fully  appreciate  your  worth  and 
valor  ;  but  now  let  Judy  get  something  to  eat  and  drink 
for  her  mistress  whilst  she  reclines  on  this  easy  lounge," 
said  Dr.  Juno. 

"  Yis,  sir,"  responded  Judy  and  Pat  simultaneously. 

Miss  Armington  was  so  overcome  with  the  joy  that  she 
experienced  by  the  surrounding  circumstances  ;  the  great 
delight  her  restoration  gave  to  these  humble  and  faithful 
servants,  M-as  to  her  almost  too  much  to  bear  without  faint- 
ing dead  away  !  She  could  still  not  yet  fully  realize  that  it 
was  a  settled  truth,  that  she  was  delivered  from  her  perse- 
cutors, and  was  once  more  in  her  own  home,  surrounded 
by  her  beloved  Victor,  the  faithful  servants  and  her  most 
affectionate  father ;  therefore  the  first  word  she  uttered, 
after  Pat  and  Judy  left  her  presence  to  procure  a  repast, 
was: 

"  Father !    Where  is  dear  father  ?  " 

To  this  question  Dr.  Juno  was  nonplussed ;  what  could 
he,  or  what  would  he  say  quickly  ?  He  did  not  desire  to 
tell  her  that  he  really  was  insane,  nor  should  he  tell  a  false- 
hood, so  he  said : 

"  Your  father,  beloved  Lucinda,  is  not  at  home  at  present ; 
but  we  hope  soon  will  be  ;  in  fact,  the  dear  soul  has  been 
mourning  your  loss  until  he  could  not  rest  here,  at  home, 
where  he  had  your  smiling  company  " — 

"  Dear  Victor,  there  is  something  not  right  about  poor 
father ,  do  tell  me,  is  he  dead  V  "  she  interrupted.  "  I  see 
it  in  your  countenance  that  something  is  wrong." 

Dr.  Juno  hung  his  head  in  deep  grief,  when  she  contin- 
ued, "Oli!  speak,  beloved  Victor!  Do  not  keep  me  in 
suspense,  say  the  worst  that  has  befallen  him.   Is  he  dead  V ' ' 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  239 

"Sweet  angel !  he  is  not  dead,"  sighed  he,  mournfully. 

"  Thank  God  for  that ! "  she  exclaimed  ;  "  but  where  is 
he  V  " 

"  He  went  to  Europe  to  seek  you  "— 

"  Is  he  then  still  in  Europe  V  "  she  interposed. 

"  No,  my  precious  love,  he  is  not,"  said  he. 

"  I  see,  my  beloved  Victor,  that  you  try  to  hide  from  me 
the  real  state  of  affairs  about  dear  father,"  responded  she ; 
"but  do  not  hold  a  thing  back  "— 

"You  love  me,  do  you  not  V  "  asked  he. 

"  Of  course  I  do,  precious  dear  ;  but  you  cannot  be  jeal- 
ous of  an  affectionate  parent's  love  " — 

"No,  my  darling,  not  jealous;  but  grieved  to  tell  you 
that  he  is  insane  " — 

"  O  God,  O  God  !  my  dear,  desolate  father  insane,  and 
on  my  account ;  but  not  through  any  act  of  mine,  as  heaven 
knows,"  said  the  distressed  child,  weeping  and  mourning 
until  she  could  no  more.  Dr.  Juno  went  and  cast  his  arms 
around  her  slender  and  half-worn  out  form  and  sent  his 
animal  magnetism  into  her  body,  whilst  his  love  and  prayer 
baptized  her  nervous  centre  with  renewed  life,  and  soon 
she  beheld  the  misery  of  her  betrothed  lover,  when  she  said  : 

"  O  my  long  lost  darling  !  you  are  everything  to  me,  and 
I  should  rejoice  and  praise  God  for  having  you  with  me  ; 
but  it  seems  so  cruel,  so  very  hard,  that  my  beloved,  good, 
noble  father  should  suffer  through  us  " — 

"Yes,  it  is  wjr  fault,"  he  interrupted.  "Had  accident 
not  thrown  you  in  my  path  on  that  seemingly  fatal  day 
when  Pat  O'Conner's  horses  ran  away  neither,  you  nor  your 
father  would  have  had  occasion  to  suffer  this  martyrdom." 
Here  he  ceased  to  speak,  and  wept  and  shook  like  a  leaf 
when  the  wind  blows  it.  She  at  once  saw  that  he  misun- 
derstood her,  when  she  was  aroused  and  exclaimed  : 

"My  dearly  beloved  Victor,  you  did  not  understand  me  ! 
I  did  not  mean  that  you  are  to  blame ;  no,  never,  never. 
O,  I  beseecli  you,  do  not  take  this  matter  so  much  to 
heart  I " 


240  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

CHAPTER  LVIII. 

PATHETIC  INTERVIEW  BETWEEN  LUCINDA  AND  VICTOR  I 

R.  JUNO  raised  his  head  and  wiped  away  his  great 
tears,  and  said : 

''  Oh !  wliat  can  I  do  for  having  brought  so 
much  misery  upon  you,  my  dear,  my  most  pre- 
cious Lucinda  ?  My  love  for  you  is  beyond  the  power  of 
huiguage  to  express  it ;  but  my  love  for  God  and  his  cause 
is  equal  to  it ;  therefore,  I  cannot  see  how  I  could  have 
acted  to  have  kept  possession  of  the  two  things  or  crea- 
tures that  I  love  far  better  than  my  own  life,  namely,  your- 
self and  my  cause  " — 

"  Noble,  brave,  herculean  hero,  I  love  you  a  million  times 
more  for  that  righteous  expression,"  interposed  she. 

"  But  I  have  really  been  the  cause  of  all  the  misery  that 
you  and  your  excellent  father  had  to  undergo ;  and  you, 
dear  saint,  who  have  always  had  all  you  wanted  or  needed 
have  been  taken  away  from  everything  that  was  delightful, 
and  have  been  cast  into  a  dungeon,  been  insulted,  abused 
and  tortured  on  my  account !  "  ejaculated  lie,  in  great  dis- 
tress and  earnestness. 

"  But  listen,  my  precious  one,  I  have  found  you  by  the 
loss  you  speak  of  ;  yes,  for  a  brief  period  of  suffering  and 
loss  of  imaginary  wants,  I  have  gained  a  jewel  that  is  worth 
more  to  me  than  kingdoms  and  worlds  combined  !  Do  not 
deem  me  a  poor,  weak  chit  of  a  thing,  but  look  upon  me  as 
a  woman,  who  knowing  the  right  dare  also  maintain  it,  and 
if  the  firmament  overhead  falls  !  I  have  loved  my  father  ; 
but  as  long  as  there  is  life  there  is  also  hope,  and  I  feel  now 
almost  certain  that  you  and  I,  with  tlie  help  of  the  fixed 
law  of  a  just  God,  will  be  able  to  calm  his  frenzied  brain  and 
heal  him  of  his  disease  !  "  said  she. 

"  Holy  angel !  you  speak  like  an  inspired  oracle  from 
heaven  " — 


THE    COXSPIRATOrvS    AND    LOVERS.  241 

"  Yes,  and  who  made  me  such  but  your  noble  self  ?  "  in- 
terposed she,  smiling  and  touching  him  tenderly  under  the 
chin,  whilst  she  kissed  his  brow. 

''Heaven  be  glorified  for  giving  me  this  'help-meet;' 
now  am  I  blessed,  now  am  I  crowned  with  glory,  and  I 
feel  that  ten  thousand  deaths  would  be  painless  with  you 
by  my  side  ;  you,  whom  I  looked  upon  as  a  tenderly  bred 
and  lavishly  raised  child  of  affluence,  have  grown  an  in- 
spired seraph,  who  can  vitalize  the  dormant  facvdties  of 
sage  and  sire  ;  you,  whose  talismanic  power  and  expansive 
mentality  can  teach  me  what  I  thought  no  woman  could 
know  or  do  ;  you,  wlio  are  wortliy  to  become  the  wife  of  a 
throned  monarch,  how  can  1  ever  repay  you  for  this  intrin- 
sic heroism  ?  "  said  he. 

"Precious  dear,  you  can  repay  me  fully  by  continuing 
to  love  me,  and  no  woman  is  happier  than  to  see  her  lover 
act  like  a  man  of  principle  and  man  of  honor,  who  would 
suffer  and  die  for  the  right,  as  I  am  convinced  you  would, 
for  you  have  already  suffered  the  most  cruel  martyrdom  ; 
have  gone  through  many  dangers,  but  have  been  saved  by 
a  higher  power  than  rnan  can  wield  for  me  ;  for  me  alone  ! 
Is  this  not  so  V  "  asked  Miss  Armington. 

"Yes,  sweet  saint,  I  am  yours  body  and  soul,  and  yours 
alone  forever.  So  lielp  me  God  !  "  responded  he,  whilst  he 
pressed  her  to  his  heart. 

A  knock  at  the  door,  when  Judy  announced  that  she  had 
prepared  such  edibles  as  they  had  in  the  house,  which  they 
were  invited  to  partake  of.  Dr.  Juno  conducted  the  young 
millionairess  to  the  table,  where  they  found  everything 
that  was  healthy,  palatable  and  fine,  and  whilst  they  sati- 
ated the  inner  being,  they  spoke  to  Pat  and  Judy,  who 
Avere  as  lively  as  bees,  waiting  upon  their  long  lost  hosts  ; 
and  when  they  had  finished  their  meal,  the  persecuted 
lovers  returned  to  the  drawing  room,  where  Miss  Arming- 
ton,  by  request  of  her  lover,  told  him  how  she  was  abduc- 
ted, and  the  general  treatment  she  had  received  at  the 
asylum. 

16 


242  THE   SOCIAL   WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

She  related  everything  to  her  beloved  except  the  last  in- 
terview with  the  deacon,  with  all  of  which  the  reader  is 
already  familiar  ;  when  she  had  finished  her  recital  of  the 
exciting  incidents,  he  said  : 

"  The  deacon  is  a  vile  reptile ;  but  you,  my  exquisite 
angel,  are  truly  a  heroine  and  saint  of  tlie  first  water." 

"Do  you  think  so,  darling?"  she  said,  giving  him  one 
of  those  seraphic  smiles  which  a  perfect  woman  alone  can 
give. 

"  I  am  sorry,  dear  saint,  but  really,  I  must  repair  to  my 
home  ;  I  have  much  to  tell  you  that  will  astonish  you,  but 
I  must  leave  it  for  the  next  time  we  meet,"  said  he. 

"  When  will  that  be,  beloved  Victor  V  "  asked  she. 

"Whenever  my  darling  desires  it,"  said  he;  "but  I 
must  not  monopolize  too  much  of  your  time,  for  you  re- 
quire rest  from  excitement." 

"  Do  not  say  that,  for  I  only  rest  when  I  am  in  your 
precious  presence  ;  come  to-morrow  ;  but,  before  you  leave 
me,  tell  me  only  one  thing.  Where  were  you  when  father 
was  first  attacked  witli  insanity  ?  "  asked  she. 

"  I  was  in  my  own  office,  where  yovu*  noble  father  visited 
me,  to  ascertain  of  the  whereabouts  of  your  precious  self," 
said  he. 

"Did  you  know  where  I  was?"  exclaimed  she. 

"No,  my  love,  I  did  not ;  but  I  had  some  strong  sus- 
picion that  you  were  somewhere  in  that  hell -hole,"  said 
he. 

"  What  made  you  suspicion  that  ?  "  asked  she. 

"  Well,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  I  was  abducted  the  very 
same  night,  and  almost  the  same  hour,  that  you  were,  and 
was  gagged,  bound  and  carried  to  a  horrible  basement 
dungeon,  that  was  damp,  dark  and  unhealthy,  in  that 
same  asylum,"  ejaculated  he. 

"  O  how  horrible  1  most  horrible  1  But  how  did  you  es- 
cape ?  "  asked  she. 

"  Through  an  honest  Irishman's  assistance,  who  was  a 
friend  of  Pat  and  Judy,  by  the  name  of  Jemm>;  "  said  he. 


THE  CONSPIRATOES  AND   LOVEKS.  243 

"Jemmy !  the  honorable  fellow  ;  I  know  him,  he  was  au 
overseer,  was  he  not,  at  the  asylum  V"  asked  she. 

"  That  is  how  I  was  aided,  my  love,"  said  he. 

"Then  it  was  through  Pat  O'Conner  and  Judy  McCrea 
that  we  got  our  freedom,"  replied  she. 

"Yes,  darling,  primarily  it  was,"  said  he. 

"  Oh  !  beloved  Victor,  how  you  must  have  suffered  ;  but 
I  do  not  ask  you  to  give  me  a  full  statement  of  everything 
that  transpired  since  we  were  abducted,  just  now,  as  you 
■wish  to  go  to  your  office,  but  I  long  to  hear  it  all  very  soon. 
One  word  more,  and  I  have  done  for  the  present,  my 
precious  Victor.    AVhere  is  father  V"  asked  she. 

"  I  am  grieved  to  tell  you  that  he  is  a  lawful  prisoner  in 
that  same  asylum,  but  they  treat  him  very  kindly  ;  I  have 
been  to  see  him  once,"  said  he,  softly. 

"  Poor,  dear  father  !  "  she  sighed. 

"  Do  not  mourn,  my  precious  love,  we  will  get  him  well," 
said  he  ;  "but  now  I  must  go  to  my  office,  and  punish  the 
villanous  old  deacon." 


CHAPTER  LIX. 

DOCTOR  JUNO   PERFORMS  A  SERIOUS   OPERATION  ON 
DEACON  STEW. 

HEiN'  Dr.  Juno  arrived  at  his  office,  the  clock 
struck  four,  being  not  far  from  daylight ;  he 
found  the  six  soldiers  and  the  half  scared  deacon 
nicely  seated  within  his  sanctum. 
He  immediately  ordered  the  soldiers  to  remove  the  fet- 
ters from  the  deacon ;  then  he  handed  the  handcuffs  to 
them  which  his  holy  (?)  deaconship  had  put  on  Miss  Arm- 
ington,  to  be  shown  him,  when  the  doctor  said  : 
"  Scoundrel,  do  you  know  those  little  bracelets  V  " 
"  Yes,  sir,  I  do,"  responded  the  chopfallen  deacon. 


244  THE  SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"Did  you  order  them  to  be  put  on  Miss  Armington,  so 
that  you  might  carry  out  your  infernal  designs  V  "  ejacu- 
lated Dr.  Juno,  flushed  witli  holy  indignation.  "Answer 
me  squarely,  or  you  may  infuriate  me  so  terribly  that  I 
wiU  slay  you  before  you  have  time  to  reply;  speak,  in- 
stantly ! " 

"  Yes,  sir,  I  had  them  placed  on  her  ;  but " — 

"No  'buts,'  sir,"  interrupted  Dr.  Juno. 

"  We-11, 1  was  go-i-n-g  to  say  that  I  did  it  only  to  pre- 
vent her  from  assaulting  me,"  stammered  the  pious 
deacon. 

"Liar,  that  you  are,"  exclaimed  Dr.  Juno,  and  now  ad- 
dressing his  men,  continued  :  "  Soldiers,  put  tliem  on  his 
beautiful  wrists,  joining  his  hands  behind  his  back,  as  he 
did  to  the  innocent  and  helpless  young  lady,  for  the  j)ur- 
pose  of  ravishing  her  ;  and  as  soon  as  you  have  done  that, 
place  him  on  this  large  centre  table,  on  his  back,  and  se- 
cure his  legs  backward  and  upward,  for  I  shall  '  make  him 
a  eunuch  for  the  kingdom  of  heaven's  sake,'  so  he  cannot 
become  a  breeder  of  sanctified  criminals,  nor  make  any 
more  attempts  to  ravish  innocent  females  !  " 

' '  Oh  !  have  mercy  !  mercy  !  mercy  !  I  pray  you  ;  I  ask, 
humbly,  a  thousand  pardons,  and  will  make  re])aration  for 
all  the  insults,  danger,  injury  and  wrong  that  I  have  done 
to  the  young  lady,  if  you  only  will  grant  me  the  privilege 
of  escaping  your  just  wrath!  By  the  God  above  me,  I 
swear  it ! "  ejaculated  the  heli)less  deacon,  in  terrible  de- 
spair, whilst  Dr.  Juno  stood  silent  for  a  moment,  staring 
the  deacon  in  the  face,  half  smiling.     Then  he  said  : 

"Well,  sir,  you  acknowledge  more  than  I  thought  a 
saintly  scoundrel  could  be  guilty  of,  and  tlien  you  coolly 
ask  me  to  let  you  off,  and  you  appeal  to  God  and  swear  to 
a  lie,  tliinking  that  I  am  a  fool  or  a  chicken-hearted 
dunce  ;  but  I  will  sliow  you  how  coolly  I  can  cut  you  ;  how 
easily,  slowly  and  torturingly  I  can  ply  my  professional 
skill ;  and  again,  I  will  not  harm  you,  but,  to  the  contrary, 
benefit  you  so  much  that  you  may  yet  repent  of  your 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  245 

bloody  deeds,  and  be  converted  to  a  sound  piety  before  you 
die!  This  would  be  a  Christian  charity,  holy  deacon  (V), 
elect  saint  (?),  would  it  not  V  "  said  Dr.  Juno  firmly,  sharp- 
ening his  scalpel  as  calmly  as  if  he  was  going  to  carve  an 
apple. 

"Oh!  doctor,  you  do  not  know  what  drove  me  to  do 
those  acts,  with  which  you  are  undoubtedly  familiar  by 
this  time !  It  was  love,  pure  love,  which  was  refused 
me,  that  drove  me  to  those  desperate  acts,"  exclaimed  the 
deacon,  and  continued,  "and  as  you  also  know  Avhat  that 
is,  I  hope  you  will  be  merciful  to  a  disappointed  man, 
whilst  you  have  gained  a  glorious  victory  over  me." 

"  Indeed  !  you  reason  like  a  philosopher,  or  like  a  wicked 
fool.  Does  love, '  pure  love,'  torture  and  ravish,  or  attempt 
to  ravish  its  idol  ?  and  do  you  look  upon  a  man  like  me  to 
be  sucli  a  contracted  minded  being  as  to  be  duped  by  such 
sophistry,  whilst  you  are  securely  in  my  power  V  Soldiers, 
gag  him  now,  when  I  will  to  work,"  said  Dr.  Juno. 

It  took  him  twenty-five  minutes  to  finish  his  operation, 
when  he  had  the  deacon  freed  from  all  his  shackles  ;  but, 
before  he  permitted  him  to  depart  in  peace,  Dr.  Juno 
said : 

"  I  shall  be  compelled  to  ask  you  to  make  an  oath,  before 
you  leave  my  oflice,  to  the  effect  that  you  will  never,  by 
word  or  deed,  aid  or  abet  any  one,  or  do  any  act,  that  will 
injure  either  of  the  Armingtou  family,  myself,  my  follow- 
ers or  my  cause." 

"  You  might  as  well  murder  me  at  once,"  responded  the 
deacon,  indignantly  and  haughtily. 

"Xo,  sir,  I  will  not  become  j^our  executioner  as  yet  a 
while  ;  but  I  can  torture  you  quite  a  little  more,  and  shall 
do  it,  too,  if  you  are  not  very  careful,"  ejaculated  Dr. 
Juno. 

"I  don't  think  you  cnn,  for  I  am  suffering  a  thousand 
deaths  at  present,  physically  and  mentally,''  exclaimed  the 
'Ceacon. 

"  I  am  delighted  to  think  that  I  am  able  to  chastise  you 


246  THE    SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

thoroughly,  by  having  done  to  you  what  will  save  you 
from  damnation,  if  anything  can  do  so  ;  in  the  long  run, 
you  will  say  so  yourself,  noble,  i^ious  deacon,"  said  Dr. 
Juno. 

"  Never,  but  I  shall  hate  you  " — 

" Be  careful,  old  fellow,"  interposed  Dr.  Juno  ;  "you  are 
not  yet  out  of  my  power.  From  your  present  remarks,  I 
guess  you  do  not  feel  inclined  to  make  the  oath  for  the 
j)urpose  I  have  proposed  it." 

"  I  shall  not  interfere  with  any  of  you  in  the  future,  be- 
cause I  know  it  would  not  benefit  me  any ;  therefore, 
rather  than  be  further  harassed  and  tortured  by  a  hard- 
hearted creature,  like  yourself,  I  will  swear  to  anything 
that  you  may  propose,"  replied  the  deacon,  looking  more 
reconciled  to  his  altered  condition. 

"Then  repeat  after  me,  in  the  presence  of  these  wit- 
nesses, repeating  your  own  name  as  you  know  such  things 
are  done,  assuming  my  position  : 

"  I,  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  solemnly  swear  to  never  more,  by 
word  or  deed,  injure  Dr.  Victor  Juno  or  any  of  his  follow- 
ers or  friends,  and  should  I  do  so,  I  agree  to  have  my  up- 
raised (left)  hand  burned  into  cinders ;  my  right  hand, 
which  now  clasps  my  beating  heart,  cut  into  fragments, 
and  my  heart  torn  out  by  its  roots ;  moreover,  should  I 
fail  to  do  as  before  stated,  I  hope  to  have  my  soul  cast  into 
outer  darkness,  where  there  shall  be  weeping,  wailing  and 
gnasliing  of  teeth  foi'ever  and  ever,  and  where  the  devil 
and  his  boon  associates  shall  hiss  at  me,  and  pour  pestife- 
rous reptiles,  with  envenomed  darts,  upon  my  sensibilities, 
lashing  and  torturing  me  beyond  tlie  expression  of  lan- 
guage. This  do  I  'voluntarily  swear,  and  hope  for  no  other 
destiny  should  I  fail  in  the  fulfilment  of  such  promises  as 
I  liave  lieroin  made.     So  help  me  God  !  " 

"  That  will  suffice,  holy  deacon ;  how  do  you  like  my 
style  of  an  oath  ?  "  asked  Dr.  Juno.  "  You  are  free  to 
leave." 

The  dcacou  was  dumbfounded  •.,  he  could  not  utter  a 


THE  CONSPIRATORS  AND   LOVERS.  247 

word ;  but  amazement  stood  upon  his  countenance.    He 
left  the  house  with  the  utterance  : 
"Accursed  be  your  mystery ! " 


CHAPTER  LX. 

THE  BLOODY  CONSPIRATORS  BOTHERED  AND  AR- 
RESTED. 

[jHE  last  meeting  that  the  sacredly  secret  conclave 
held  at  Tabernacle  Hall  was  on  the  night  when 
Honson  Teafel  said  : 
"Dunner  und  blitzen,  I  tinks  you  bis  a  sed 
o'  fools,  to  bis  so  skeert ;  mine  cot,  I  yust  winch  unzer 
decon  whash  bin  veil." 

Never  before  since  the  organization  of  the  bloody  con- 
clave were  they  so  long  without  calling  a  meeting  ;  but  as 
soon  as  the  deacon  was  well  he  had  other  matters  to  attend 
to,  and  then  his  unfortunate  visit  to  the  asylum,  and  the 
results  that  took  place  in  Dr.  Juno's  office,  hindered  the 
call  of  a  meeting  until  Deacon  liob  Stew  and  Rev.  Joe  Pier 
were  ready  to  be  present. 

The  Rev.  Joe  Pier  was  well  pleased  with  the  nursing  he 
received  at  Tabernable  sick-room,  at  the  hands  of  his  be- 
loved Nancy  Clover  ;  therefore  he  was  not  anxious  to  hurry 
his  convalescence  ;  at  any  rate  he  was  slower  in  recuperat- 
ing than  the  deacon,  who,  however,  had  his  love-stimulant 
in  that  third-story  cell  in  the  asylum  ;  therefore,  it  can  be 
seen  what  a  powerful  panacea  love  is  ! 

iSTeither  of  their  affection  was  reciprocated  by  the  ladies 
of  their  choice ;  but  the  saintly  deacon  got  the  worst  dose  of 
it,  whilst  the  reverend  lover  received  more  kindly  attention 
from  Sister  Nancy  Clover,  because  her  idol.  General  Wash- 
ington Armington,  was  a  lunatic,  and  beyond  her  holiest 
reacli ! 


248  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

After  Deacon  Rob  Stew  had  recovered  from  his  wounds 
tliat  were  intlicted  upon  him  by  Miss  Armington's  bite  iu 
his  ear,  whicli  the  young  heroine  nearly  bit  off,  as  also 
from  the  surgical  operation  performed  by  Dr,  Juno,  he 
called  a  meeting  of  the  secret  conclave  for  Saturday  eve- 
ning, sharp  at  8  o'clock,  requesting  a  full  attendance,  as  he 
had  many  important  matters  to  discuss. 

On  the  night  above  mentioned  Rev.  Joe  Pier  took  the 
chair,  as  of  old,  and  Deacon  Rob  Stew  made  the  opening 
address,  wlio,  however,  seemed  to  be,  in  many  respects,  an 
altered  man  since  he  last  met  with  them.  Some  conjec- 
tured that  his  altered  condition  was  owing  to  the  beating 
that  he  had  received  on  that  eventful  night,  when  he  and 
Rev.  Joe  Pier  were  nearly  killed  ;  others  thouglit  that  his 
long  confinement  in  a  sick-room  caused  the  change  ;  at  any 
rate  the  deacon  spoke  gently  as  follows : 

"  Brotliers  and  Sisters  of  the  Sacredly  Secret  Conclave  : — 
I  rise  to  say  that  I  have  seen  much  that  was  disagreeable 
and  mysterious  since  I  have  met  with  you  in  this  hall.  I 
am  not  splenetic  and  rash,  but  yet  I  have  that  within  me, 
which  goads  me  on  to  victory  in  the  work  which  was  insti- 
tuted through  my  instrumentality !  We  are  besieged  on 
all  sides  by  those  heretics  who  believe  in  and  follow  the 
teachings  of  Dr.  Juno  ;  and  unless  we  can  exercise  a  pow- 
erful, unanimous  influence  with  the  orthodox  religious 
classes,  and  also  with  those  M'ho  deal  in  the  merchandise  to 
which  Dr.  Juno  is  opposed,  Ave  are  lost ;  yes,  I  say  this  for 
the  benefit  of  every  member  of  the  conclave,  lost ! 

"Just  think,  I  have  been  compelled  to  listen  to  the  reci- 
tal of  '  our  solemn  oath '  by  Dr.  Juno  himself,  and,  after  he 
had  finished  its  recital,  he  had  the  audacity  to  ask  me  : 

"  '  Deacon,  how  do  you  like  my  style  of  an  oath  ? ' 

"  And  lie  looked  at  me  with  an  eye  that  said  • 

"  '  Don't  I  have  your  oath  verbatim  V  '  " 

"  What  did  you  answer  him  V  "  asked  Rev.  Joe  Pier,  and 
continued,  "for  I  am  actually  feeling  weak  in  my  loins  to  be 
compelled  to  listen  to  this  dangerous  story  of  Brotlier 
Stew." 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  249 

"  I  said  nothing,  because  I  was  struck  with  amazement," 
replied  the  deacon. 

"  How  does  it  come  that  you  were  found  in  company 
with  this  vile  innovator  V  "  said  Kancy  Clover. 

''  Do  you  not  know  that  Dr.  Juno  mobbed  the  Insane 
Asylum  one  night  a  few  weeks  since  and  liberated  Miss 
Lucinda  Armington  ? "  responded  the  deacon,  looking 
distressed. 

"■  Why,  certainly,  this  is  news  to  me,  and  I  think  it  is  so 
to  the  balance  of  the  saints,"  said  i^^ancy  Clover.  "Fur- 
ther, I  cannot  understand  why  he  lias  not  been  arrested  for 
so  doing,  and  why  this  matter  should  be  kept  quiet ;  if  he 
is  not  summarily  punished  for  breaking  the  peace,  and  for 
intruding  himself  upon  our  holy  institutions,  he  will  grow 
bolder  and  become  a  more  dangerous  rival  in  the  field  of 
conflict !  " 

"Noble  Sister  Clover,  you  argue  Avell,"  said  Rev,  Joe 
Pier ;  "and  I  tremble,  fairly  shake  in  my  boots,  at  this  aw- 
fully perilous  state  of  affairs." 

"  Friends,  will  you  hear  me  out  before  you  come  to  such 
conclusions,  or  before  you  censure  any  of  the  saints  for 
keeping  this  matter  quiet  V  "  asked  Deacon  Rob  Stew. 

"  Of  course  we  will,"  responded  Nancy  Clover. 

"  Well,  then,  the  reason  for  treating  this  outrage  with 
perfect  silence  is  self-evident,  namely,  should  we  expose 
Dr.  Juno,  as  he  dared  us  to  do,  ?ie  would  profit  by  it,  at  our 
peril ;  because  Miss  Armington  is  now  at  liberty,  whilst 
Dr.  Juno  is  surrounded  by  a  numerous  and  determined 
army  of  soldiers,  who  obey  his  commands  without  prevari- 
cation or  hesitation  ;  in  fact,  it  is  said  that  his  men  are  ready 
to  invade  even  this  sacred  liall  and  arrest  us  all,  which 
would  be  an  end  of  us,"  said  Deacon  Rob  Stew. 

"  Holy  Ghost !  look  down  from  above  and  shield  me ! 
Oh  !  O  Lord,  I  feel  that  we  are  lost !  lost !  lost !  I  have 
always  been  fearful  that  we  would  make  some  awful  blun- 
ders, and  would  be  hung  some  day  !  Oh  !  Lord,  I  feel  a 
choking  sensation  already,"  exclaimed  Rev.  Joe  Pier,  who 
was  interrupted  l)y  Sioter  Xancy  Clover  : 


250  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

"  You  have  always  been  a  contemptible  coward,  and  I 
order  you  to  shut  pan.  If  you  cannot  (??icourage  the  saints, 
do  not  discourage  them  ;  but  I  want  to  hear  our  noble  dea- 
con finish  what  he  has  to  say,  w^hen  I  will  show  you  a  plan 
to  save  our  cause,  and  that  will  explode  Dr,  Juno's  move- 
ments." 

"Noble,  holy,  immaculate  Sister  Clover,"  said  Joe  Pier ; 
"  you  do  so  comfort  me  and  calm  my  fears,  for  I  have  never 
found  you  to  fail  in  anything." 

"  Silence,"  ejaculated  Nancy  Clover,  "  and  let  the  deacon 
finish."    The  deacon  continued  : 

"  Dr.  Juno  knows  all  our  secrets,  but  how  he  has  ob- 
tained them  I  am  puzzled  to  know  ;  because  I  cannot  be- 
lieve that  we  have  one  brother  or  sister  who  would  be 
wicked  enough  to  violate  our  solemn  oath,  knowing  what 
would  be  the  result " — 

"  Yes,  let  them  remember  Harry  Gossimer's  fate,"  inter- 
posed Rev.  Joe  Pier. 

"  I  am  not  a  coward,"  continued  the  deacon  ;  "but  since 
Miss  Armington  is  at  liberty,  whilst  Dr.  Juno  is  surrounded 
by  good  and  influential  men,  I  must  say  that  great  danger 
is  hanging  over  the  sainthood.  Still,  I  am  in  favor  of  ral- 
lying the  friends  of  the  elect  all  over  the  country  ;  but  I  am 
myself  a  prisoner  of  war,  being  under  parole,  and  should  I 
be  found  to  aid  or  abet  in  this  movement  I  would  be 
mobbed  and  shot  or  hung  !  " 

"I  cannot  think  it,"  exclaimed  Nancy  Clover  ;  "nor  can  I 
see  wliy  you  lay  so  much  stress  upon  the  freedom  of  ISIiss 
Armington.  She  is  nothing  but  a  chit  of  a  thing,  who  has 
always  depended  upon  her  father,  who  is  a  confirmed  luna- 
tic "— 

"Do  not  deceive  yourself,  noble  Sister  Clover,"  inter- 
rupted Deacon  Stew,  "about  IMiss  Armington,  for  she  is 
anything  but  a  '  chit  of  a  thing. '  She  is  a  perfect  demon,  a 
tigress,  a  strategist  and  a  cunning,  fierce  and  deep  woman, 
who  will  wield  more  influence  by  half  than  any  living  man 
if  she  gc  ts  a  chance  1 " 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  251 

"She  shall  not  get  a  chance,  then,"  responded  Nancy 
Clover. 

"  Then  she  will  make  a  chance,  for  she  has  outwitted  and 
outgeneraled  me  on  every  occasion,"  said  the  deacon.  At 
this  instant  a  furious  knock  was  made  upon  the  outside 
door,  and  like  lightning  the  same  was  burst  open,  when 
Dr.  Juno  stepped  into  the  hall  and  said : 

"I  arrest  you  all !  " 


CHAPTER  LXI. 

LOVE  SCENE  BETWEEN  VICTOR  AND  LUCINDA. 

ISS  LUCIXDA  ARMIXGTOX   felt  too  happy 
after  Dr.  Juno  left  her.    She  tliought : 

"  Can  it  be  possible  that  I  am  free  from  bond- 
age, free  to  go  and  come  when  I  please  ?  Can  it 
last  V  Will  not  these  bloody  conspirators  again  try  to  ab- 
duct me  y  Surely  I  shall  keep  myself  secluded  for  a  time, 
when  probably  they  will  not  disturb  me ;  but  should  the 
deacon  come  to  my  home  I  think  I  should  kill  him  ;  let  him 
come.  I  am  no  more  tlie  little,  confiding,  harmless  child 
that  I  was  before  that  fatal  night,  when  I  was  carried  off 
by  those  ruffians. 

"  I  have  an  indistinct  recollection  of  all  that  transpired 
that  night ;  at  least  I  do  now  remember  it  for  the  first 
time.  Let  me  trace  the  hours  that  I  was  seemingly  uncon- 
scious. I  walked  into  the  lawn,  deeply  thinking  of  my 
own,  my  dearly-beloved  A^ictor.  I  was  worried  about  him, 
when  suddenly  something  was  thrown  over  my  head,  and 
I  was  grasped  by  a  rude  man  and  carried  into  a  carriage, 
but  bej'ond  that  I  cnnnot  recollect  what  happened  until  I 
found  myself  in  that  cell ;  and,  oh  !  the  horror  that  came 
over  me,  and  the  anxiety  I  felt  about  precious  Victor,  was 
too,  too  awful. 

"  I  have  learned  much  since  then  that  may  be  useful  to 
my  dear  Victor.     I  know  how  to  take  my  own  part,  how 


252  THE   SOCIAL    WAR    OF    1900;    OR, 

to  chastise  a  villian,  and  I  reall}'  would  undertake  to  gen- 
eral an  army  of  soldiers,  if  by  so  doing  I  could  assist  pre- 
cious Victor.  Victor,  Victor  !  you  are  my  life,  my  soul, 
my  joy,  my  all !  Without  you  I  could  not  live,  and  should 
you  be  overcome  by  your  enemies,  I  would  take  your  place 
and  fight  like  an  '  infuriated  fiend, '  as  the  wicked  deacon 
called  me. 

"  I  am  anxious  to  learn  something  more  of  what  has  oc- 
curred since  I  have  been  absent,  so  I  v/ill  ring  for  Pat  and 
Judy." 

"  At  yer  sarvice,  me  dear  mishtress,"  responded  Pat, 

"  Yis,  me  luvly  mishtress,  we  longs  tow  sarve  ye,  an' 
we  tank  the  Lord  fur  bein'  wid  us  agin,"  said  Judy. 

"  Tell  me  all  you  know  about  what  has  happened  since  I 
liave  been  away ;  about  poor,  dear  father,  and  how  you 
suspicioned  that  1  was  confined  in  the  asylum,  for  dear 
Victor  told  me  that  it  was  you,  my  noble,  brave  and  faith- 
ful saints,  who  discovered  my  and  dear  Victor's  wherea- 
bouts," exclaimed  Miss  Armington. 

"Och  !  me  lady,  an'  I  blarneyed  the  ould  deacon,  an'  he 
tould  me  anuff  tow  gav  mo  tow  know  that  ye  were  in 
thare,"  said  Pat,  looking  as  huge  as  a  mountain,  and  con- 
tinued, "tliey  nixt  time  thim  divils  would  try  such  doin's 
shure  they'd  find  hogus  pocus  trown  in  ther  way,  let  'em 
mind  that ! " 

Miss  Armington  listened  for  two  hours  to  Pat  and  Judy, 
when  tliey  had  time  to  repeat  all  they  knew  of  the  Vv-hole 
affair,  with  which  the  reader  is  familiar ;  but  on  several 
occasions  they  all  three  burst  into  tears,  as  the  incidents 
and  accidents  that  befell  her  poor  deceived  father  and  be- 
haved Victor  caused  the  affectionate  and  heroic  girl  terri- 
ble pain. 

When  tliey  were  through  with  tlieir  story.  Miss  Arming- 
ton asked  to  be  conducted  to  her  bed-cliamber  by  Judy. 
She  retired  much  fatigued,  and  in  a  few  moments  fell  into 
a  sound  sleep,  and  slept  until  daylight,  when  she  rose  and 
dressed  herself,  as  she  expected  her  idol,  Victor,  to  come 


THE   CONSPIKATORS    AXD   LOVERS.  253 

early  that  day.  At  nine  that  morning  he  arrived,  when 
the  parlor  had  been  thrown  open  for  the  first  time  since 
Miss  Armington  was  abducted.  She  received  Dr.  Juno  in 
the  parlor,  and  after  saluting  each  other  with  pleasing  sen- 
timents, embraces  and  kisses,  such  as  betrothed  and  perse- 
cuted lovers  were  alone  able  to  bestow  upon  each  other, 
Lucinda  said  to  him  : 

"  My  precious  Victor,  please  tell  me  now  all  about  your 
trials,  privations  and  sufferings,  as  well  as  what  you  have 
done  toward  promulgating  the  cause  which  is  so  near  and 
dear  to  your  manly  heart." 

"  It  will  give  me  exceeding  great  joy  to  do  so  ;  but  I  am 
equally  anxious  to  learn  your  story,  all  that  has  happened 
to  you  since  we  were  torn  away  from  home,"  said  he. 

"Yes,  my  beloved  Victor,  you  shall  know  all;  but  I 
have  told  you  the  most  that  has  transpired  whilst  I  was  a 
prisoner,  and  as  I  have  been  away  much  longer  than  your- 
self, for  Pat  and  Judy  told  me  all  they  knew  about  it,  you 
know  more  to  tell  than  I  do,"  exclaimed  she. 

"That  is  so,"  said  Victor,  "and  I  have  a  great  deal  to 
say  to  my  precious  love  ;  therefore,  before  I  commence,  be 
frank  and  tell  me  first  what  the  vile  old  deacon  did  to  you 
last  night  ?    Did  he  accomplish  his  evil  designs  V  " 

"]Sro,  sir,  dear  Victor,  he  did  not,"  ejaculated  she,  indig- 
nantly ;  "  but  after  he  had  me  handcuffed  he  thought  I  was 
an  easy  victim,  and  I  let  him  think  that  I  felt  as  though 
resistance  was  useless,  when  he  approached  me,  threw  his 
arms  around  my  waist,  and  pressed  me  to  his  body,  whilst 
he  attempted  to  kiss  me  on  my  mouth.  I  did  not  resist  in 
the  least,  on  purpose  to  throw  him  off  his  guard,  and  when 
he  attempted  to  kiss  me  on  my  mouth,  I  turned  my  face 
aside  and  permitted  him  to  kiss  me  on  my  cheek,  and  in- 
stantly I  took  his  nasty  ear  in  my  mouth — you  know  I  had 
to  do  it,  disgusting  as  it  was — and  I  then  laid  all  my 
strength  into  my  jaws,  and  my  sharp,  solid  teeth  sank 
nearly  through  his  big  ear,  which  caused  him  to  scream 
murder ;  and  although  I  felt  his  nasty,  hot  blood  upon  my 


254  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

breath  and  on  my  face,  neck  and  breast,  I  still  hung  unto 
the  ear,  until  1  must  have  fainted  away,  and  the  rest  you 
saw  yourself." 

"  Thank  God  !  dear  angel,  that  you  had  the  courage  of  a 
lioness  and  the  wisdom  of  a  sage.  You  are  a  woman,  a  gemi- 
ine  woman,  one  whom  the  gods  would  do  homage  to,  one 
whose  noble  and  heroic  deeds  swell  the  soul  of  man,  and 
cause  him  to  idolize  and  worship  you  as  a  goddess  ;  in 
sooth,  you  are  one  in  my  esteem,  and  my  life  is  magnified 
to  ten  thousand  times  its  former  size  on  account  of  being 
the  possessor  of  such  a  treasure  as  yourself  and  your  last- 
ing love  !  "  exclaimed  Victor. 

"  Do  you,  then,  love  me  so  much  ?  "  said  she,  tenderly 
looking  into  his  heaven  sparkling  eyes.  "  But  I  am  not 
worthy  so  good  and  great  a  man's  affections  " — 

"  Love  you  so  much  !  Yes,  truly,  I  love  you  more  than 
pen,  tongue,  eye  or  God  could  express,"  interposed  he, 
whilst  he  sealed  it  by  gently  pressing  a  kiss  upon  her  lips, 
which  was  re-electrified  by  the  response  she  gave  to  it ;  and 
he  continued  :  "  Most  exquisite  seraph,  this  is  heaven  on 
earth !  this  is  love  to  God  and  man !  love  in  its  normal 
sphere  !  love  that  could  not  permit  a  wrong  thought  to  en- 
ter tlie  purified  temple  of  God  ! " 

"My  heaven-born  Victor,  you  overwhelm  me  with  ex- 
quisite sparks  of  delight ;  you  magnify  my  womanly  heart, 
until  its  innermost  recesses  become  thrilled  and  electrified 
with  oceans  of  bliss,  and  I  am  carried  away  to  the  realms 
of  the  blessed  on  the  wings  of  celestial  love !  I  pray  it 
may  continue  to  bind  us  together,"  said  she. 

"Amen  1    So  be  it  I "  responded  he. 


THE  CONSPIRATOES   AND   LOVEES.  255 


CHAPTER  LXII. 

THE  FIGHT  BETWEEN  THE  NATURALISTS  AND  CON- 
SPIRATORS. 

HE  time  was  approaching  when  bloody  war 
seemed  to  scent  the  air  ;  because  either  side  was 
determined  to  win.  The  bloody  conspirators  had 
recently  met  with  an  opposition  that  they  never 
thought  could  be  brought  to  bear  against  the  elect ;  but  it 
only  sliows  that  truth  and  righteousness  are  more  power- 
ful and  influential,  when  rightly  presented  to  all  classes  of 
people,  than  all  other  things  combined. 

Dr.  Juno  fully  understands  how  to  swing  "  the  flaming 
sword  "  skilfully  around  the  heads  of  saints  and  sinners, 
and  with  his  great  mind,  he  can  fairly  carry  conviction  to 
the  heart  of  any  one.  Yes,  he  can  make  it  seem  that  even 
his  most  cruel  treatment  of  his  enemies  is  a  Christian 
charity.  Take,  as  an  example,  Deacon  Rob  SteAv's  case, 
which  undoubtedly  will  prove  a  benefit  to  the  deacon. 

Then,  again,  behold  Dr.  Juno's  noble  and  Christ-like 
amnesty  and  invitation  to  his  persecutors  ;  what  an  act  of 
cliarity,  and  how  much  more  humane  such  conduct  is,  to 
that  whicli  is  shown  the  world  by  the  sectarian  people,  who 
are  the  children  of  the  bloody  clique  ! 

The  sacredly  secret  conclave  has  been  broken  up  at  their 
last  meeting  at  Tabernacle  Hall,  when  Dr.  Juno  and  his 
men  took  all  the  members  of  the  conclave  prisoners  of  war. 
As  Dr.  Juno  stepped  into  their  hall  and  said  : 

"I  arrest  j'ou  all,"  he  found  his  old  prisoner  of  war — 
Deacon  Rob  Stew — on  the  floor  making  a  speech,  which 
was  a  breach  of  his  parole  ;  and  when  the  latter  beheld  Dr. 
Juno,  he  almost  fainted,  which  caused  the  whole  saint- 
hood to  remain  silent  as  tlie  tomb.  "Whilst  these  two 
heroes  gazed  at  each  other,  Xancy  Clover  rose  to  her  feet, 
and  in  a  most  solemn  and  dignified  manner  said : 


256  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

"Dr.  Juno,  sir:  What  cause  have  you  to  make  an  as- 
sault upon  our  private  meditations  V  Do  we  not  live  in  a\ 
free  country,  where  all  have  an  inalienable  right  to  serve 
God  according  to  the  dictates  of  conscience  " — 

"Truly,"  interrupted  Dr.  Juno  ;  ''but  conspiring  to  rob 
others  of  this  very  right  that  you  have  just  spoken  of,  is 
not  serving  God  nor  man,  and  it  illy  becomes  you  to  argue 
in  favor  of  republican  liberties,  whilst  you  individually 
and  collectively  have  used  every  foul  means  to  crush  those 
who  claim  that  very  riglit,  but  which  this  sacredly  secret 
conclave  of  bloody  conspirators  has  prosecuted  without 
just  cause,  has  persecuted  with  a  determination  that  has 
at  last,  thank  heaven  !  aroused  the  loyal  heart  of  American 
freedom,  and  I  am  here  as  the  champion  of  that  cause  and 
people,  for  the  purpose  of  dispersing,  disposing  and  forever 
subduing  this  bloody  clique  ! 

"Do  you  comprehend  me  now,  and  dare  any  man  or  wo- 
man in  this  place  resist  my  orders  ?  If  there  is  any  one 
here  who  dare  do  so,  whilst  I  have  my  army  of  soldiers 
within  and  without,  let  him  do  so  at  his  or  her  peril ;  how- 
ever, I  am  willing  to  hear  what  this  ingrate  and  peijured 
villain — Deacon  Stew — who  is  your  spokesman,  has  to  say 
for  being  found  again  amongst  you,  evidently  urging  you 
on  in  the  treasonable  work  of  deviltry.  I  pause  for  an  ex- 
planation," 

The  deacon  stood  still  and  silent,  casting  his  eyes  upon 
Nancy  Clover  and  Rev.  Joe  Pier,  when  Sister  Nancy  Clover 
said  : 

"  Brother  Stew,  speak  up  to  this  man,  and  do  not  be 
brow-beaten  by  a  rude  innovator  and  public  rioter  like  this 
Juno " — 

"  Better  be  a  little  cautious  how  you  address  your  satel- 
lites in  my  presence,  or  you  may  fare  imi)leasantly,  if  you 
are  the  feminine  planet  star  of  this  conclave  ;  be  assured 
of  that,  my  brave  heroine  in  a  bad  cause !  "  interposed  Dr. 
Juno. 

"Sir,  you  impudent  scoundrel  I  how  dare  you  insult  me 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  257 

in  this  manner !  I  order  the  brothers  to  repair  instantly 
to  the  armory  for  weapons,  and,  if  you  won't  leave,  shoot 
you  down  like  dogs ! "  responded  I^ancy  Clover  in  a  terrific 
rage. 

"Arrest  tliat  woman,  and  convey  her  to  the  background," 
commanded  Dr.  Juno. 

In  a  moment  she  was  seized,  but  she  struggled  terribly, 
and  called  out : 

"  Brothers,  shoot  these  rioters  !  " 

"Ha!  my  lady,  two  can  play  at  that  little  game,"  said 
Dr.  Juno,  and  commanded:  "Soldiers,  make  a  charge 
upon  all  the  conspirators  who  resist,  and  if  any  are  found 
with  arms  in  their  hands,  shoot  them  dead  I  Show  them 
no  quarters ;  they  gave  me  none  when  I  was  in  their 
power ! " 

By  this  time  the  conspirators  made  a  desperate  struggle 
to  arm  themselves,  several  having  returned  from  the  armory 
with  rifles ;  but  Dr.  Juno  had  the  advantage,  therefore  he 
said  again  : 

"Soldiers,  slay  and  bind  every  one  who  dares  to  resist, 
and  carry  that  woman  out  of  this  hall." 

To  which  Nancy  Clover  replied,  as  she  was  being  secured 
and  carried  away : 

"  Fire !  brothers,  fire !  and  yield  not  one  inch  of 
ground ! " 

Just  then  a  N'aturalist  put  a  stopper  of  tow  into  Miss 
Nancy  Clover's  chatterbox,  when  the  saintly  heroine  gave 
the  ungentlemanly  fellow  a  blow  with  her  fist  that  caused 
him  to  seek  the  floor,  and  she  shouted  : 

"  Brothers,  victory  or  death !  Make  a  bayonet  charge  ; 
shoot,  cut  and  kill  these  cut-throats  !  " 

By  this  time  Sister  Nancy  was  ruthlessly  dragged  from 
the  scene  by  the  hand  of  Dr.  Juno,  who  said  : 

"  You  are  a  dare-devil  and  will  cause  the  spilling  of 

blood,  therefore  you  shall  feel  my  power,"  when  he  threw 

her  to  the  ground  and  gagged  and  bound  her  with  his  own 

hands,  and  ordered  his  men  to  remove  her  to  the  wagon 

17 


258  THE  SOCIAL  WAR  OF   1900;  OE, 

and  guard  her.  Then  he  returned  to  the  hall,  where  he 
found  a  terrific  fight.  Shooting,  bayoneting  and  striking 
with  chairs  were  freely  in  operation  ;  he  urged  his  men  on, 
and,  raising  his  own  revolver,  levelled  it  at  the  face  of 
Kev.  Joe  Pier,  who  had  skulked  behind  a  post ;  when  tho 
skulker  saw  Dr.  Juno's  movements,  he  screamed  vehe- 
mently : 

"  Brothers,  stop,  oh !  stop  this  fighting ;  and,  O  Lord ! 
Brother  Juno,  don't  shoot,  don't,  I  pray  you !  I  pray 
you ! " 

This  had  a  wonderful  effect  on  the  conspirators,  each 
one  lowering  his  weapon  ;  and  when  Dr.  Juno  saw  it,  he 
also  said : 

"  Soldiers,  cease  your  assaults ;  but  if  any  conspirator 
makes  an  attempt*  to  renew  the  fight,  shoot  him  !  Watch 
them,  whilst  they  have  those  loaded  rifles  in  their  hands. 
Conspiratoi-s,  hear  me.  1  order  you  not  to  stir  or  shoot, 
for  the  first  man  that  does,  will  see  a  bullet  from  this  pis- 
tol kill  this  man,  Joe  Pier  !  " 

To  which  Kev.  Joe  Pier  fairly  yelled : 

"  Brothers,  drop  your  arms.  Lord  !  drop  them  instantly  I 
And  Brother  Juno,  remove  that  pistol,  for  God's  sake  !  I 
fear,  oh !  I  fear  pistols,  and  let  us  make  peace ;  I  am  a 
peace  man,  yes,  the  Lord  knows,  a  peace  man  !  " 

To  which  Dr.  Juno  replied  : 

"  I  see  you  are  not  a  very  fierce  warrior ;  but  I  do  not 
fancy  the  idea  of  being  called  a  brother  by  you.  I  am 
no  brother  of  yours,  neither  in  bloody  conniving  nor  cow- 
ardice." 

"  I  know  that,  O  Lord  !  I  know  that,  to  my  sorrow  and 
dread  ;  but  you  are  a  noble,  brave  and  great  hero,"  gasped 
Rev.  Joe  Pier. 

"  Come,  come,  Reverend  President  Pier,  do  not  attempt 
to  soft-soap  me,  or  I  may  wipe  your  hypocritical  life  from 
that  cowardly  body  of  yours,"  said  Dr.  Juno,  again  raising 
his  pistol  to  his  heart,  when  he  winced  and  stammered  : 

"  Oh  !  s-a-ve,  save  my  life  only  this  once,  and  I  will  tell 
you  a-11 ! " 


THE  CONSPIEATOES  AND   LOVEES.  259 


CHAPTER  LXIII. 

DB.  JUNO'S  CONCILIATORY  AND  BLACK  FLAG  SPEECH 
TO  THE  CONSPIRATORS. 


OCTOR  JUNO  now  addressed  tlie  conspirators  as 
follows : 

"  Fellow  Citizens  :  I  suppose  you  appreci- 
ate the  condition  in  wliicli  you  are  now  placed. 
Your  leaders  are  in  my  hands  and  powerless  ;  if  you  value 
their  lives,  do  each  of  you  as  I  command,  or  they  shall 
suffer  for  it,  and  you  shall  have  the  Black  Flag  held  over 
your  own  heads. 

"  I  have  a  large  army  of  soldiers  without ;  you  are  be- 
sieged on  all  sides,  and  your  hero — Deacon  Rob  Stew — is 
already  my  paroled  prisoner  of  war,  who  I  am  sure  has 
violated  his  parole,  and  for  which  he  shall  pay  heavily.  I 
have  no  malice  against  you,  either  individually  or  collec- 
tively, but  stern  duty  to  my  cause  and  my  fellow  creatures 
demands  rigorous  action,  and  I  am  either  tender  or  hard- 
hearted, altogether  according  to  the  circumstances  and 
behavior  of  those  with  whom  I  am  compelled  to  deal. 

"In  the  first  place,  then,  I  ask  you  to  surrender  your 
arms  cheerfully  to  my  soldiers,  when  you  will  be  safe  until 
you  rebel  again.  Soldiers,  do  your  duty.  Take  possession 
of  all  the  arms  of  tlie  conspirators  wherever  found  in  this 
building.  Also,  remove  the  dead  and  wounded  to  appro- 
priate quarters,  and  guard  all  the  conspirators,  not  allow- 
ing one  to  escape. 

"Now,  then,  I  will  lay  before  you  what  my  intentions 
are,  by  what  authority  and  power  I  appear  befoi'C  you  as 
dictator : 

"  It  must  be  self-evident  to  all  thinking  minds,  that  the 
spirit  of  selfishness  is  the  same  anti-natural  and  anti-Christ 
one  that  sustains  sectarian  and  partisan  movements. 

"  You,  the  bloody  consinrators^  are  the  quintessence  of 


^6^  THE   SOCIAL  WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

sectarianism  and  selfishness  ;  you  have  been  jealous  of 
every  one  who  lias  entertained  different  views  to  your  own 
narrow-minded  ones  ;  you  have  persecuted  every  one  who 
has  served  his  Creator  as  his  conscience  dictated,  without 
having  given  him  an  opportunity  to  promulgate  his  views  ; 
and  neither  have  you  been  able  nor  willing  to  show  him  the 
soundness  and  philosophy  of  your  own  tenets ;  but  you 
have  usurped  every  right  of  the  sovereigns  of  free,  noble 
America ! 

"  By  your  anti-Christ  doctrines  you  have  made  mammon 
your  God,  and  therefore  you  have  made  yourselves  rich  in 
filthy  lucre  by  your  selfish,  penurious  and  bigoted  teachings 
and  practices  !  You  have  had  laws  made  to  exempt  your 
property  from  taxation,  claiming  that  your  brick-and-mor- 
tar  temples  of  fashion  were  the  churches  of  God,  when 
they  are  houses  wherein  nonsense  is  dealt  out  to  the  sincere 
and  unsuspicious ;  where  the  Bible  is  falsely  interpreted, 
and  where  Jesus  Christ  is  misrepresented,  and  by  your 
sanctimonious  seemings  have  cheated  the  millions  of  the 
sovereign  people  out  of  their  rights ;  rights  to  be  equal 
possessors  of  all  the  real  wants  of  the  human  temple  ;  rights 
to  know  the  fixed  laws  of  God,  and  opportunities  and  con- 
ditions for  all  the  people  to  fulfil  the  measure  of  their  man- 
hood by  rigid  obedience  to  His  hallowed  laws,  thereby  giv- 
ing tliem  a  vivid  appreciation  of  His  wonderful  works  ! 

"  You  have  created  circumstances  throughout  tlie  world 
that  make  the  rich  richer  and  the  poor  poorer ;  you  have 
had  laws  made  to  protect  the  selfish  sectarian  and  partisan 
in  his  illy-gotten  lucre  and  position,  whilst  the  poor,  starv- 
ing people,  (whose  duty  it  is,  to  themselves  and  to  their  God, 
not  to  commit  suicide  by  starvation,)  are  imprisoned  for 
taking  a  loaf  of  bread  or  ear  of  corn.  You  own  all  the 
land,  and  claim  to  own  heaven,  earth,  air,  men's,  women's 
and  children's  souls,  or  you  would  'feed  the  hungry'  with 
healthy  food,  and  '  clothe  tlie  naked '  Avith  the  habiliments 
of  heavenly  knowledge  ;  a  knowledge  of  the  fixed,  natural 
laws  of  God,  created  and  vouchsafed  to  all  mankind  alike ; 


THE  CONSPIRATOES  AND   LOVEES.  261 

a  knowledge  of  the  precepts,  example  and  teachings  of 
Jesus  Christ,  as  contained  in  his  sermons  on  tlie  mount ;  a 
knowledge  that,  when  promulgated  throughout  the  world, 
will  prove  that  sect,  party  and  self  belong  to  the  devil's 
kingdom  ! 

"  You  therefore  have  my  intentions,  when  I  tell  you  that 
all  sects  and  parties  shall  be  abolished,  and  the  law  of  love 
to  God  and  man  shall  become  the  Alpha  and  Omega  of  this 
nation  ;  and  to  bring  about  this  heavenly  condition,  we  the 
sovereign  people  must  make  it  our  business  to  vanquish 
every  one  who  advocates  such  doctrines ;  and  I  am  autho- 
rized by  the  Workingmen's  Platform,  by  the  rights  of  the 
sovereign  people,  and  these  people  themselves,  to  subdue 
you,  kindly  if  I  can  ;  but  if  you  are  not  willing  to  abandon 
your  heinous  Avork,  then  I  shall  wave  the  black  flag  over 
your  heads,  and  the  power  Avhich  lies  in  the  people  who  re- 
vere God's  laws  gives  me  sovereign  sway  and  masterdom  ! 

"  I  hope  I  have  been  understood  by  all  of  you  ;  but  for  fear 
that  some  of  you  are  too  dull  to  comprehend  plain  Christi- 
anity, I  will  reiterate  that  the  money  power  and  its  father 
— sectarianism — shall  be  levelled  summarily  by  the  sove- 
reign people  of  America,  and  I  have  the  honor  to  be  the 
leader  in  carrying  out  that  holy  movement ;  therefore,  I 
will  ask  you  to  repent  of  the  past,  and  by  surrendering 
your  property  to  the  Treasury  of  the  Nation  and  becoming 
one  of  us,  you  shall  have  a  perpetual,  equal  membership  in 
our  brotherhood  !  You  shall  receive  the  same  that  we  do, 
so  long  as  you  are  faithful  to  fixed  law  and  order  ;  but,  on 
the  contrary,  if  you  refuse  to  voluntarily  join  us  in  spirit 
and  truth,  we  must  place  you  in  such  a  position  that  you 
cannot  liarm  our  cause  any  more. 

"  I  pause  for  a  reply,  or  I  will  hear  remarks  from  any  of 
the  conspirators." 

"  Dr.  Juno,"  responded  Kev.  Joe  Pier,  "  I  have  only  to 
say  that  we  may  liave  been  imprudent  ;  but  it  never  was 
any  will  of  mine  to  deprive  any  one  of  his  freedom,  and 
whilst  1  have  been  president  of  this  conclave,  I  have  never 


262  THE  SOCIAL   WAE  OP    1900;   OR, 

instituted  any  retrogressive  movement.  Still,  I  have  been 
urged  and  compelled  to  enforce  many  things  that  were  re- 
pulsive to  my  better  nature,  and  I,  for  one,  am  penitent, 
and  will  join  the  most  righteous  cause,  which  I  really  can- 
not help  seeing  you  espouse  I " 

"  I  am  happy  to  learn  that  the  president  of  this '  conclave ' 
is  ready  to  do  penance  and  become  a  progressive  Christian  ; 
but  before  I  can  confide  in  such  promises  and  in  the  man 
who  makes  them,  I  would  like  to  know  how  Mr.  Pier  was 
'■compelled  to  enforce  many  things  that  were  repulsive  to 
his  better  nature  V  '  Who  compelled  you  ?  You  were  the 
president,  hence  the  leader  of  this  conclave,"  said  Dr. 
Juno. 

"It  w-a-a-as  the  d-e-acon,"  stammered  Kev.  Joe  Pier, 
whilst  the  deacon  eyed  him  ferociously,  which  caused  the 
hypocritical  coward  to  stutter,  but  being  pressed  by  Dr. 
Juno,  wlio  interposed : 

"Goon;  never  mind  the  deacon's  threatening  counte- 
nance ;  he  is  my  prisoner,  and  death  hangs  over  his  perjured 
head." 

"  Well,  sir,"  continued  Joe  Pier,  without  fear,  seeming 
to  feel  relieved  by  Dr.  Juno's  assurance  that  his  deaconsliip 
cannot  harm  him  any  more,  "  I  will  speak  to  the  point,  and 
without  fear,  as  I  know  you  are  a  man  of  your  word,  and 
will  protect  me  from  the  injury  w'hich  this  most  diabolical 
Deacon  Rob  Stew  would  inflict  upon  me,  if  he  had  it  in  his 
power,  for  divulging  any  of  his  infamous  conduct " — at 
this  point  the  deacon  involuntarily  made  a  grab  for  the 
Rev.  Joe  Pier,  who  fairly  screamed — "  Oh  !  Lord,  keep  him 
from  me,  dear  Dr.  Juno  !  " 

"  Stand  back,  or  die  !  "  ejaculated  Dr.  Juno,  levelling  his 
pistol  at  the  deacon's  breast ;  but  the  latter  did  not  care 
for  pistols  or  anything  else,  hence  grasped  Rev.  Joe  Pier 
by  the  throat  I 


THE  CONSPIRATOES   AND   LOVERS.  263 

CHAPTER  LXIV. 

CONFERENCE  BETWEEN    DR.  JUNO  AND   CONSPIRATORS. 

IR.  JUiSTO  saw  that  Deacon  Stew  was  fairly  frantic, 
and  would  strangle  Rev.  Joe  Pier  if  a  speedy  act 
would  not  tear  him  away  from  the  cowardly 
reverend  gentleman  ;  therefore  he  ran  up  to  him 
and  gave  him  a  stunning  blow  with  his  fist  on  the  temple, 
which  sprawled  the  savage  deacon  like  a  dead  frog,  when 
he  ordered  his  soldiers  to  bind  him.  The  Rev.  Joe  Pier 
sprang  to  his  feet  and  ejaculated  : 

"  Noble  Dr.  Juno,  the  Lord  bless !  Oh !  the  Lord  bless 
you  !  Oh  !  I  am  so  scared  I  do  not  know  what  to  do  I 
What  shall  I  do  V    What  must  I  do  to  be  saved  V  " 

"Do  what  is  right,  as  you  always  should  have  done," 
replied  Dr.  Juno;  "then  you  would  not  be  found  in  such 
dangerous  company." 

"Noble  sir,  you  are  right,"  exclaimed  Rev.  Joe  Pier; 
"but  will  1  be  safe  ?  O  Lord,  will  I  be  safe  when  the 
deacon  gets  his  liberty  again  V  I  wish  I  had  never  seen 
these  bloody  people.  O  Lord  !  Lord  !  save  and  succor  the 
elect ! " 

"Nonsense,"  exclaimed  Dr.  Juno,  emphatically;  "do 
not  talk  to  the  Lord,  in  my  presence,  of  the  elect." 

"No,  sir!  Lord!  no,  sir!  I  won't!"  said  Joe  Pier, 
scared  almost  to  death ;  "but  what,  O  what  can  I  say  or  do 
to  please  you  V  " 

"Do  what  is  natm-al  and  right,"  responded  Dr.  Juno. 

"Yes,  sir,  I  will,  if  you  will  only  tell  me  what  and  how 
that  is,  for  I  am  so  anxious  to  be  a  good  man,"  coweringly 
said  he. 

"You  cowardly  dog,"  growled  Deacon  Rob  Stew  at  his 
Brother  Pier,  "you  are  a  fine  fellow  to  do  what  is  right. 
You  will  do  anything  that  is  mean  to  save  your  con- 
temptible  life.    Dr.    Juuo,   permit  me   to   say  to   you. 


26^  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

although  you  hate  me,  and  that  hatred  is  reciprocated, 
tliat  you  had  better  not  trust  tliis  hypocritical  Reverend 
Doctor  Pier,  for  the  moment  he  linds  out  that  your  party 
becomes  the  weakest,  he  will  turn  and  join  the  strongest ; 
he  is  a  dirty  coward,  and  I  am  sorry  now  that  I  have  not 
slain  the  ingrate  before  this  late  hour." 

"■  Great  Lord  !  Dr.  Juno,  do  not  believe  him,  he  is  the 
most  domineering,  tyrannical  and  hard-hearted  wretch 
that  ever  lived.  lie  will  covenant  with  the  devil  himself 
to  gain  his  point,"  ejaculated  Joe  Pier,  in  the  most  excit- 
able manner. 

"  Indeed,  boys,  I  see  that  neither  of  you  are  to  be 
trusted,"  said  Dr.  Juno,  smiling, 

"Oh,  yes,  dear  doctor,  you  can  trust  me.  I  am  only 
cowardly  when  I  am  in  the  wrong,  for  I  fear  the  devil,  and 
to  die  whilst  laboring  in  a  bad  cause,  such  as  we  conspira- 
tors have  done,  should  make  any  conscientious  man  fear 
and  tremble,"  exclaimed  Rev.  Joe  Pier. 

"Really,  you  both  astonish  me,"  said  Dr.  Juno,  "and  I 
see  good  in  each  of  you.  You  might  become  most  useful 
members  of  society  if  you  would  desert  your  bloody  com- 
rades, and  join  the  Progressive  or  Natural  Christians.  I 
would  cheerfully  take  you  both  and  all  these,  your  brother 
and  sister  conspirators,  on  probation,  under  i)arole  and 
.secure  guardianship.    "What  say  you  two  leaders  ?  " 

"I'll  do  it,  and  may  the  Lord  bless  the  attempt,"  ex- 
claimed Joe  Pier. 

"  I  won't  do  it,"  responded  Deacon  Stew,  "  and  Dr.  Juno 
knows  why  I  will  not." 

"Surely,  you  do  not  forget  the  altered  state  of  circum- 
stances, lovely  deacon?"  said  Dr.  Juno,  laughing  quite 
freely. 

"Accursed  be  the  ground  you  tread  upon,"  silently 
mumbled  the  deacon. 

""Well,  soldiers,  we  must  to  work  and  away,  therefore, 
prepare  to  parole  t'aose  of  the  prisoners  wlio  will  be  willing 
to  take  the  iron-clad  oath,  and  those  who  are  arbitrary 
conduct  to  our  secret  prison." 


THE   CONSPIRATORS  AND   LOVERS.  265 

"  I  will  give  those  a  chance  to  step  to  the  right  side  of 
the  hall  who  wish  to  be  paroled,  the  others  remain  where 
they  are,"  said  a  captain  of  the  Naturalists. 

The  entire  sainthood,  brothers  and  sisters,  stepped  to 
the  right  side  of  the'  hall  to  be  paroled. 

When  Deacon  Rob  Stew  saw  this,  he  said  : 

"Cowards!  would  you  all  desert  me  and  our  beloved 
cause  V  " 

As  he  made  this  remark  he  caught  the  eyes  of  the  physi- 
cian-in-chief and  Dr.  Toy  Fancy,  who  looked  sufficiently 
defiant  to  satisfy  his  deaconship  that  they  would  care  as 
little  for  their  parole  as  the  deacon  did  himself.  This 
greatly  pacified  him,  for  he  had  great  hope  that  the  dead 
and  wounded  (which  numbered  ten  conspirators  killed  and 
six  wounded,  whilst  only  a  few  Naturalists  received  trifling 
wounds)  would  cost  Dr.  Juno's  life,  or  at  least  his  liberty, 
for  the  deacon  little  dreamt  what  a  deep  and  extensive  un- 
der current  existed  throughout  the  nation. 

Dr.  Juno,  also,  watched  and  saw  the  eyes  of  these  two 
physicians,  and  he  therefore  permitted  his  captain  to  ad- 
minister the  oath  to  all  the  conspirators,  except  to  these 
two  physicians  ;  when  they  were  reached  Juno  said  : 

"  Captain,  1  will  attend  to  them,  finish  the  rest  first. " 

"  I  have  finished  all  but  the  deacon  and  two  physicians," 
said  the  captain. 

"Bring  Nancy  Clover  into  the  hall,"  commanded  Dr. 
Juno,  when  he  brouglit  the  five  leading  conspirators  to- 
gether, namely  :  Clover,  Stew,  Pier,  Fancy  and  physician- 
in-chief,  and  after  dismissing  all  the  paroled  prisoners,  he 
addressed  them  as  follows,  and  swore  them  on  an  extra  oath : 

"  I  have  it  in  my  power  to  shoot  you  " — 

"  Oh,  don't ;  I  pray  you.  Lord  ! "  interrupted  Joe  Fier. 

" Silence !"  ejaculated  Dr.  Juno,  "I  will  have  no  more 
interruptions.  I  will  not  kill  you  now,  but  shall  demand  an 
extra  oath  from  you  ;  and  whilst  I  administer  it,  an  officer 
has  gone  for  a  warrant  for  your  arrest,  for  conspiring 
against  the  working  people  and  myself  " — 


266  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"Oh  !    Holy  Ghost ! "  mumbled  Kev.  Joe  Pier,  audibly. 

"  You  have  committed  sutlicieut  crime  to  be  convicted 
and  hung  ;  at  least  I  shall  ask  ten  thousand  dollars  bail 
for  your  appearance  at  Court,  to  answer  the  charges  as 
above  stated." 

The  officer  and  magistrate,  also  a  Naturalist,  made  their 
appearance  in  the  hall,  and  each  of  these  parties  were 
asked  to  give  ten  thousand  dollars  security  for  their  ap- 
pearance at  Court ;  failing  to  procure  said  surety,  they 
were  locked  up  in  a  station  house,  and  the  following  morn- 
ing were  bailed  out ;  but  the  newspapers  were  full  of  it, 
there  having  a  great  change  taken  i)lace  in  the  opinions  of 
even  the  editors  of  those  papers  that  used  to  libel  Dr.  Juno. 
But  it  only  shows,  as  I  have  stated  in  the  first  part  of 
this  story,  that  newsi)aper  men  have  few,  if  any,  prejudices 
beyond  their  pockets ;  and  whenever  they  see  that  the 
party  which  they  have  formerly  libelled  is  likely  to  become 
the  most  popular  and  influential,  they  drop  all  others  and 
espouse  the  cause  of  the  one  that  has  the  heaviest  purse. 
When  the  prisoners  were  asked  by  the  magistrate  what 
they  had  to  say,  Rev.  Joe  Pier  exclaimed,  in  agony : 

''  I  acknowledge  my  shortcomings  and  imperfections  ; 
but  I  am  not  guilty  of  sufficient  crime  to  be  either  impris- 
oned or  hung,  bless  the  Lord  ! '' 

''  Mr.  Pier,"  interposed  Xancy  Clover,  "I  consider  you 
the  greatest  scoundrel  in  the  coimtry  " — 

"  Oil !  holy  sister,  how  can  you  !  O  Lord  !  how  can  you 
say  that !  "  exclaimed  Joe  Pier.  "  I  shall  lose  all  my  faith 
in  you  for  saying  tliat." 

"No  matter  to  me;  but  you  shall  suffer  for  all  your 
apostasy,"  said  Xaney  Clover. 

"Great  Lord  !  Oh  !  but  I  am  a  heartbroken  and  fearful 
man  !  "  ejaculated  Rev.  Joe  Pier.  "  You  would  surely  not 
harm  me,  dear  sister  ?  " 

"Away,  to  the  lockup,  with  these  bloody  conspirators," 
said  Dr.  Juno. 


THE  CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  267 


CHAPTER  LXV. 

A  PLEASING  INTERVIEW  BETWEEN  VICTOR  AND 
LUCINDA. 


^lOCTOR  JUNO  visited  his  beloved  Lucinda  very 
often,  and  she  had  so  much  to  say  and  ask  that 
she  generally  missed  getting  full  satisfaction 
about  her  dear  old  father  ;  but  getting  an  oppor- 
tunity this  evening,  she  said  : 

"My  faithful  and  precious  Victor,  I  have  on  several 
previous  occasions  desired  to  converse  with  you  about  dear 
father,  and  I  hope  you  will  pardon  me  for  making  this 
topic  the  subject  of  our  interview." 

"Certainly,  exquisite  angel,"  said  he;  "but  I  had  de- 
termined to  give  you  my  ideas  about  your  excellent  father 
this  very  night." 

"Surely,  my  love,  we  must  have  been  of  one  mind  ;  I 
hope  our  whole  lives  will  be  as  congenial  and  delightful 
as  the  present  causes  them  to  be.  My  love  for  you  is  of 
that  ardent  character  that  my  wliole  body  thrills  with  joy 
the  day  long.  I  feel  as  though  my  life  was  a  charmed  one, 
and  if  we  should  be  able  to  liave  poor  father  restored  to  us, 
I  would  be  the  happiest  girl  that  ever  lived." 

"My  seraph,  you  warm  my  heart  with  upheaving  cur- 
rents of  passionate  and  effervescent  love  !  Love  that  can- 
not be  experienced  and  expressed  by  common  minds.  An 
uncommon,  holy,  immaculate  love  that  stimulates  every 
fibre  of  the  organic  domain,  whilst  it  magnifies  tlie  soul  to 
the  dimensions  of  a  god.  In  sooth,  language  fails  to  ex- 
press the  deliciousness  of  the  cupid  darts  that  penetrate 
even  the  most  minute  vascular  tissues  of  my  entire  system. 
Sweetest  angel,  such  love  is  worth  living  for,  and  T  cannot 
heln  thanking  God  intuitively  for  having  made  us  so  fear- 
fully and  wonderfully,  that  we  are  the  strongest  and  most 
apt  when  love  prompts  the  mind  to  perform  the  duties  of 


2G8  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OE, 

life.  Yes,  trul3%  under  such  circumstances  everything  is 
easy;  that  which  would  be  drudgery  under  other  condi- 
tions, becomes  delightful  recreation.  And  the  most  stormy 
hours  pass  gently  away  and  promise  renewed  joys  so  long 
as  such  love  as  ours  exists.  I  pray  and  I  will  cheerfully 
labor  for  its  continuance  in  all  time  to  come.  You  will 
join  me  in  that,  won't  you,  exquisite  saint  V  "  said  Victor. 

''  Yes,  indeed,  my  darling,  I  will ;  and  it  is  no  effort, 
neither,  precious  Victor,"  said  she,  smiling  and  pressing 
her  lips  upon  his  hand,  when  he  said  : 

"  Oh !  holy  angel,  here  " — holding  out  his  lips— "  is  better 
metal  for  kissing  than  my  hand." 

"But  I  love  every  spot  of  you,"  she  modestly  replied, 
and  kissed  his  lips. 

"  That  is  right,  all  is  right,  and  we  are  blessed,  quad- 
ruply  blessed,"  said  he.  "  But  now  let  us  speak  and  plan 
of  your  dear  father.  I  think  if  I  should  take  you  to  the 
asylum  to  see  him,  it  might  prove  a  great  benefit  to  him." 

"  Darling,  I  would  be  afraid  to  enter  that  wicked  neigh- 
borhood ;  they  might  seize  and  imprison  us  again,"  respon- 
ded she. 

"No,  no,  my  precious  seraph;  they  would  not  attempt 
that  at  this  late  hour  of  the  day.  Of  course,  you  know 
that  I  had  them  arrested  last  night ! "  said  he. 

"  Arrested !    Who  V  "  asked  she. 

"The  bloody  conspirators,  of  course,  all  of  them,  and 
had  them  paroled,  and  the  leaders  bound  over  in  ten  thou- 
sand dollars  to  appear  at  court  for  conspiracy,"  said  Dr. 
Juno,  smiling. 

"  Why,  darling,  how  dare  you  be  so  bold  and  dauntless  ? 
Are  you  not  afraid  of  the  religious  world  ?  You  know  the 
influence  these  people  have  over  tlie  most  wealthy ;  and 
nearly  every  religious  sect  will  stand  by  them,  as  well  as 
many  worldly  persons,"  responded  Lucinda. 

"  Be  not  so  sure  of  that,  nor  fear  anything,  precious 
saint ;  but  remember  that  there  are  thousands  upon  thou- 
sands of  the  working  classes,  who  are  the  only  reliable, 


THE   CONSPIEATORS   AND   LOVERS.  269 

solid  stuff,  ready  to  fight  to  the  hilt  for  our  cause  and  their 
rights  ;  yes,  these  people  have  felt  the  oppression  that  sec- 
tarians and  partisans  have  cast  upon  the  whole  country, 
and  they  are  ready  for  a  terrible  vengeance,"  said  Victor. 

"•  O  precious  Victor,  do  not  risk  your  life  for  these 
bloody  conspirators,"  replied  she, 

"You  would  not  have  me  be  a  coward,  would  you,  my 
darling  ?  "  said  he.  "■  But  we  must  now  make  our  arrange- 
ment to  visit  your  noble  father  to-morrow  afternoon.  I 
will  get  a  permit  from  Judge  Freelove  to  visit  him,  and  if 
we  can  arouse  him,  and  he  seems  well  enough  to  leave  the 
asylum,  we  shall  bring  him  home  with  us." 

"  Oh !  bless  you,  my  excellent  Victor ;  but  how  would 
you  get  a  chance  to  bring  father  home  ?  "  asked  she. 

"Judge  Freelove  knows  me  ;  he  is  a  Naturalist,  and  if  I 
promise  him  to  take  care  of  your  father,  he  will  grant  me 
a  permit  to  take  him  home,"  said  he. 

"I  would  be  entirely  too  happy  if  God  would  grant  us 
this  favor,"  ejaculated  Lucinda. 

"  I  feel  it  in  my  bones,  precious  love,  that  this  favor  will 
be  granted  unto  us.  I  shall  give  you  some  instructions 
how  to  assist  me  in  restoring  him  to  sanity  ;  and  with  your 
health  and  love  for  him,  and  my  magnetic  will  cast  into 
the  scales  of  his  mentality,  we  can  right  the  polarity  of  his 
nervous  system,"  said  he. 

"  O  love,  tell  me  how  or  what  I  shall  do  to  aid  you, 
and  I  will  so  gladly  do  it,"  exclaimed  she,  zealously. 

"  When  we  go  into  the  presence  of  your  father  to-mor- 
row, I  want  you  to  centre  all  your  strength  into  your  fin- 
gers, and  by  pressing  one  hand  upon  his  forehead  and  the 
other  upon  his  pulse  at  his  wrist,  and  determinately  willing 
him  at  the  same  moment  to  get  well,  you  will  aid  him  and 
me  psychologically  to  cure  him.  I  will  give  you  further 
instructions  then,  if  necessary,"  said  he. 

"■  My  beloved  Victor,  I  feel  as  though  we  should  succeed 
in  restoring  him,  because  I  have  unbounded  confidence  in 
your  skill  and  in  animal  magnetism,  and  I  see  you  under- 


270  THE  SOCIAL  WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

stand  the  science  of  psychology  as  well  as  physiology  ;  in 
fact,  1  think  what  you  do  not  know  is  not  worth  knowing," 
she  exclaimed. 

''  Thanks  !  ray  angel,  for  the  compliment ;  but  whilst  I 
am  not  vain,  and  hope  1  am  laot  so  soft  as  to  take  to  flat- 
tery, yet  I  have  sufficient  self-confidence  to  know  when  I 
understand  myself  and  when  I  do  not.  It  were  well,  if 
men,  and  women  too,  would  know  a  little  more  about  these 
human  manifestations  and  natural  functions,  and  have  the 
courage  to  stand  by  actual  knowledge,  than  to  believe  so 
much  that  is  foolish  and  injurious,  if  harbored  and  fol- 
lowed," said  he. 

"  Verily,  my  darling,  you  are  a  genuine  philosopher, 
whose  equal  does  not  live,"  said  she,  "and  I  long  for  to- 
morrow's sun,  that  we  may  see  dear  father,  and  restore 
him,  if  possible." 

" So  do  I,  precious  one, "said  he,  "  for  I  want  him  in  the 
army  to  wipe  out  the  pharisees  and  swindlers  of  the  age." 


CHAPTEE  LXVI. 

VICTOR  AND  LUCIXDA  VISIT  AXD  RESTORE  GENERAL 
ARMIXGTON. 

HE  day  was  a  clear  one,  a  rain  at  sunrise  having 
settled  the  dust  and  rarified  the  atmosphere, 
which  was  very  favorable  for  a  powerful  psycho- 
logical manifestation.  Dr.  Juno  and  Miss  Lu- 
cinda  Armington  reached  General  Arrnington's  cell  in  the 
Insane  Asylum  at  three  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  and  as 
good  luck  would  have  it,  the  general  was  fast  asleep  when 
they  entered  his  presence.  When  Dr.  Juno  saw  this,  he 
cautioned  the  keeper  not  to  wake  him,  which  he  had 
already  attempted  to  do. 

"  I  want  him  to  remain  in  a  passive  condition  for  a 
while,"  said  Dr.  Juno,  "  and  if  you  will  close  the  doors  of 


THE   CONSPIRATOES  AND   LOVERS.  271 

his  cell  quietly  and  leave  us  here  until  I  knock  at  the  door, 
I  will  be  very  much  obliged  to  you." 

"  Certainly,"  answered  the  keeper,  and  did  as  he  was  di- 
rected by  Dr.  Juno. 

Dr.  Juno  now  said  to  his  beloved  Lucinda,  who  began  to 
weep : 

"  My  precious  dear,  please  collect  yourself  as  soon  as 
possible,  because  I  want  your  physical  and  mental  equilib- 
rium to  assist  me,  and  by  giving  thus  away  to  your  feelings 
you  spoil  the  conditions,  provided  you  carry  it  too  far  or 
too  long." 

"  Certainly,  dear  Victor,  I  do  not  wish  to  do  that,"  she 
responded,  and  instantly  ceased  weeping. 

'■'•  We  must  endeavor  to  impress  his  mind  whilst  asleep," 
said  he  ;  "  and  if  we  can  get  him  under  mesmeric  influence 
and  wake  him  shedding  tears,  we  have  restored  him  to 
sanity  !  Therefore,  you  take  his  left  hand  into  your  right 
one,  and  with  your  left  hand  gently  press  upon  the  nape  of 
his  neck,  whilst  I  will  take  his  right  hand  into  my  left  and 
manipulate  his  thinking  brain  with  my  right  hand,  and 
then  we  must  unite  our  breathing,  and,  when  united,  catch 
up  with  his  respiration  ;  and  the  moment  we  have  him  that 
way  we  must  centre  our  entire  wills  and  unflinching  deter- 
minations upon  him,  desiring  his  sanity,  when  success 
must  come ! 

"Ignorant  people,  who  do  not  understand  the  laws  of 
psychology,  nor  the  laws  of  vitality,  would  laugh  at  this 
treatment ;  but  it  is  generally  the  case  that  people  cry  su- 
perstition, and  laugh  at  things  to  which  they  are  blind  I 
Will  you  do  as  I  directed,  and  do  you  understand  me  thor- 
oughly, my  precious  love  V  " 

"I  will,  and  fully  understand  you,  and  I  am  strong  in 
my  faith,"  said  she. 

"  I  will  wake  him  at  the  proper  time,  and  then  if  you  feel 
like  weeping  with  him  it  will  be  all  right,"  said  Dr.  Juno. 

They  operated  as  proposed,  and  in  about  fifteen  minutes 
Victor  called  aloud  to  him  : 


272  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

"  General  Armington,  awake  to  glory,  your  daughter  is 
by  your  side,  and  all  is  well ! "  And,  truly,  the  general 
awoke  and  wept  like  a  child,  Lucinda  wept,  and  Victor 
followed  the  fashion,  and  after  a  few  moments  of  tearful 
joy.  Miss  Armington  said : 

"  Dear  pa,  we  have  come  to  take  you  home  with  us  ;  how 
do  you  feel  V  " 

"  O  my  dear,  long  lost  child,  have  I  really  found  you  ? 
And  is  tins  not  a  delusion  ?  "  exclaimed  tlie  general. 

"No,  precious  fathei',  it  is  no  delusion,"  said  she  ;  "but 
it  was  my  dear  Victor  who  has  saved  and  restored  both  of 
us.    Come,  father,  and  thank  him  for  it." 

"God  bless  you,  my  son,"  responded  he.  "I  have  ac- 
cused you  wi'ongly  the  otlier  day,  and  I  once  more  ask 
your  pardon.  Will  you,  ca/i  you  forgive  me  for  the  accu- 
sation V" 

Dr.  Juno  fell  upon  his  knees  before  the  general  and  said, 
in  tears  of  grief  and  joy : 

"Dear  general,  you  were  not  to  blame,  and  as  I  told  you 
then,  '  had  you  done  less '  than  you  did,  '  I  could  not  re- 
spect and  love  you  as  I  now  do.'  " 

"  Those  were  the  words  you  repeated,  after  I  shot  at 
you  ;  but,  as  it  is  all  over,  and  since  my  dear  daughter  is 
safe  in  my  arms,  I  am  delighted  to  meet  you  again  ;  but 
why  are  we  liereV"  said  the  general,  looking  around, 
seeming  thunderstruck,  for  it  must  be  remembered  that 
when  the  mind  returns  to  sanity,  it  can  only  remember 
what  liappened  when  in  its  last  moments  of  sanity  previous 
to  getting  insane. 

"Well,  dear  father,  if  such  I  may  call  you,"  said  Dr. 
Juno,  "I  will  tell  you  all  about  it;  you  turned  insane  in 
my  office,  where  you  last  recollect  of  seeing  me,  and  the 
pious  people  placed  you  here  " — 

"  Pious  people  !    But  where  is  this  V  "  interposed  he. 

"It  is  the  West  Philadelphia  Insane  Asylum,"  respon- 
ded Dr.  Jimo  ;  "but  your  lovely  daugliter  and  myself  were 
determined  to  restore  you  to  health,  if  possible,  and  by  the 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  273 

aid  of  God's  natural  laws  we  have  accomplished  our  task, 
and,  thank  God,  are  rewarded  ;  moreover,  I  liave  a  permit 
from  Judge  Freelove  to  take  you  home  with  us." 

"  Heaven  bless  you,  my  son,  my  son ! "  ejaculated  the 
general,  and  began  to  weep  and  shake  like  a  child,  which 
caused  a  triune  weeping  respiration  ;  because  the  pulses  of 
these  three  souls  beat  as  one,  and  it  seemed  the  Holy  Spirit 
baptized  them,  as  were  the  apostles  of  old.  Soon  they 
composed  themselves,  when  Dr.  Juno  knocked  at  the  cell 
door,  and  the  three  passed  out  of  the  asylum,  entered  Dr. 
Juno's  carriage  and  drove  home  to  the  general's  resi- 
dence. 

When  they  arrived  at  the  homestead,  Pat  O'Conner  was 
busily  engaged  doing  some  work  in  front  of  the  house  ;  but 
when  he  spied  Dr.  Juno's  coach,  he  dropped  everything 
and  ran  to  the  house  and  called  Judy  McCrea,  wlien  they 
came  together  to  receive  their  mistress ;  but  when  they 
saw  the  pale,  careworn  general,  they  leaped  for  joy,  but 
kept  perfectly  silent ;  because  they  did  not  know  that  he 
was  restored  to  sanity.  The  moment  the  general  saw 
them,  he  exclaimed  : 

"My  excellent  servants,  you  are  still  faithfully  at  yoiu- 
post.  God  bless  you,  as  I  wish  my  own  children  blessed, 
noble  souls ! " 

Pat  and  Judy  gazed  at  each  other,  then  at  the  general, 
then  at  Dr.  Juno  and  Miss  Armington,  then  at  each  other 
again,  when  they  fairly  bellowed  and  blubbered  forth  : 

"  Och  !  they  Lord,  they  Lord,  they  Lord !  " 


18 


274  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF    1900;   OE, 


CHAPTER  LXVII. 

DOCTOR  JUNO'S  PLANS  LAID  BEFORE  THE  "SECRET 
ORDER   OF  NATURALISTS." 

llELOVED  NATURALISTS :— I  liave  need  tlii:i 
evening  to  lay  before  you  my  plans,  wliich  X 
have  already  in  operation  throughout  the  West,, 
and  I  propose  to  have  them  as  speedily  inaugu- 
rated in  the  East  and  South  as  possible.  Harry  Gossimer, 
the  man  whom  the  bloody  conspirators  are  still  under  the 
impression  is  dead  in  the  sea,  has  been  my  right  hand  man 
throughout  the  West.  He  goes  under  an  assumed  name. 
His  wealth  has  given  him  power  to  reach  what  are  called 
the  better  classes  of  thinking  people,  as  well  as  the  less  apt 
or  less  cunning  classes  of  the  working  men,  and  I  can  call 
any  day  upon  the  West  for  an  immense  army. 

I  have  also  Jemmy,  the  former  overseer  of  the  insane 
asylum,  whom  I  had  pardoned,  working  amongst  the  Irish 
and  other  Catholics  through  the  Nortliwest ;  and  further, 
as  you  know,  we  have  vanquished  the  sacredly  secret  con- 
clave, and  I  have  General  Washington  Armington  restored 
to  manliood,  and  he  is  ready  to  go  into  the  field  when  the 
trumpet  of  the  Naturalists  shall  sound  ;  therefore,  we  are 
having  a  public  of  our  own,  but  still,  I  will  give  you  my 
plans  for  a  thorough  overthrow  of  money  and  sectarian 
monopoly. 

Jesus  Christ  advocated  doing  things  in  secret  that  can- 
not be  appreciated  by  "dogs"  and  "swine,"  and  as  he  is 
our  exemplar,  we  shall  heed  his  teachings  ;  therefore,  here, 
East  and  South,  as  in  the  West,  I  shall  propose  to  intro- 
duce our  doctrines  and  plans,  for  the  purpose  of  overjiow- 
ering  the  sjiirit  of  anti-Cln-ist.  into  all  the  now-existing 
secret  societies  in  which  the  working  men  are  members. 

In  the  West,  Harry  Gossimer  has  been  perfectly  success- 
ful with  all  the  secret  beneficial  societies — the  Free  Masons, 


THE   CONSPIRATORS  AND   LOVERS.  275 

Knight  Templars,  and  a  few  other  aristocratic  organiza- 
tions were  skipped — and  whilst  the  members  of  these  secret 
societies  are  "  Naturalists, "  according  to  our  ''Secret 
Order  of  Naturalists,"  they  are  not  known  as  such,  as  they 
go  by  their  old  names.  It  is  important  to  let  our  enemies 
think  that  we  are  feeble  in  means  and  numbers,  whilst 
tliey  claim  to  be  strong  and  numerous ;  moreover,  they 
really  think  that  the  people  have  faith  in  their  teachings, 
hence,  do  not  fear  to  war  with  us  ;  and  when  the  strife  will 
begin,  we  will  astonish  them,  by  not  only  mustering  an 
immense  army  of  drilled  and  secretly  equipped  soldiers ; 
but  when  the  thousands  of  their  own  cowardly  dupes,  who 
are  still  their  followers  for  gain  of  some  kind,  will  desert 
their  ranks  and  step  into  our  field,  which  will  be  blooming 
With  more  natural  and  congenial  fruit. 

These  are  my  plans,  and  when  our  views  are  ably  pre- 
Bented  to  the  working  people,  who  always  should  have  been 
the  rulers  of  America,  but  who  have  been  ruled  by  scoun- 
drels in  the  various  sectarian,  political  and  lucre-gvuhhing 
rings,  and  who  care  no  more  for  the  poor  ''bone  and 
Binew  "  of  the  land  than  a  monkey  cares  for  the  multipli- 
cation table. 

Show  me  any  Christ-like  love  for  the  race  of  mankind,  as 
emanating  from  our  opponents'  side  of  the  house.  Show 
me  where  the  fallen,  the  poor,  the  misled,  the  debauched 
are  taken  by  the  hand,  as  Christ  so  humanely  and  beauti- 
fully inciilcates,  and  are  raised  to  manhood,  are  elevated, 
are  invited  to  reform,  to  repent,  and  are  blessed  with 
favorable  conditions,  by  which  they  would  be  made  to  grow 
sound,  and  finally  would  become  partakers  of  the  kingdom 
of  God. 

I  might  go  on  and  cite  innumerable  instances  where  the 
race  could  be  improved  ;  but  degenerative  circumstances 
are  increasing  with  the  increasing  wealth  of  individuals 
and  corporations,  whilst  the  spirit  of  sect  and  party  hood- 
winks those  who  would  govern  Church  and  State  aright, 
and  the  grand  aim  and  end  of  this  whole  fabric  of  the 


276  THE  SOCIAL   WAK  OF    1900;   OR, 

bloody  conspirators  is  to  become  the  owners  of  everything, 
and  the  result  is  apparent  in  the  signs  of  the  times. 

If  this  machine  of  liuman  affairs  fails  to  work  aright,  it 
is  no  fault  of  tlie  Creator,  no  fault  of  Jesus  Christ,  no  fault 
of  the  Holy  Spirit,  no  fault  of  the  Science  of  Life,  no  fault 
of  a  sound  Physiology  ;  but  it  is  the  fault  of  those  who  are 
breeders  of  sinners,  those  who  "  increase  and  multiply  " 
their  own  species  under  deteriorating  circumstances,  thereby 
springing  imperfect,  sickly,  criminally  organized  children 
into  existence,  who  cannot  act  otherwise  than  their  con- 
genital defects  direct  them  to  do  ;  and  such  pitiable  crea- 
tures are  easily  gulled,  are  driven  to  the  wall,  and  when 
they  cannot  help  committing  petty  crimes,  are  imprisoned 
•in  dungeons,  or  punished  for  the  sins  which  their  gener- 
:itors  have  thrust  upon  them  ;  whilst  the  wholesale  thieves, 
cut-throats  and  sensual  projiagators  of  imbeciles  are  the 
honored  and  feted  of  this  land,  where  milk  and  honey 
{3hould  flow. 

Are  we  then  blind  also  to  the  multitudinous  grievances 
that  continually  embroil  our  country,  and  rob  tlie- children 
of  earth  of  their  inalienable  rights  V  Or,  are  we  ready  to 
proclaim  salvation  to  the  fallen,  the  poor,  the  humble,  the 
congenital  or  hereditary  criminal,  by  using  the  means  that 
God  ordained  for  this  purpose,  or  will  we  lie  calmly  quiet 
and  permit  those  "scribes,  pharisees  and  hypocrites," 
whom  Christ  has  condemned  with  eight  of  the  most  terri- 
ble woes,  as  recorded  in  the  twenty-third  chapter  of  St. 
Mattliew,  to  proclaim  salvation  by  tongue  and  lip,  when 
their  "hearts  "  and  "good  works  "  are  far  from  the  work 
that  was  ordained  for  its  bona  fide  fulfilment  V 

We  need  eloquent  apostles  in  the  lecturing  field,  men 
and  women,  who  can  proclaim  with  demosthenic  and  clo- 
ven.tongues,  whilst  those  who  know  the  right  will  use 
their  bone  and  sineics  in  striking  terror  to  the  souls  of  the 
tyrants  who  now  usurp  the  rights  of  God,  angels  and  man- 
kind generally.  I  am  not  splenetic  and  rash,  but  I  have 
that  within  me  which  would  make  the  ocean  one  vast  sheet 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND    LOVEES.  277 

of  human  gore,  if  it  were  necessary  to  save  the  fallen,  the 
enthralled  and  the  misled. 

Brothers  and  sisters,  can  you  appreciate  my  feelings,  my 
motives,  my  zeal  in  the  work  before  us  ?  Can  you  realize 
the  duty  that  rests  upon  each  of  us,  who  knows  the  right 
and  sees  the  wrong  V  Can  you  let  days  and  years  pass 
away  whilst  understanding  your  duty,  making  it  not  your 
individual  and  collective  business  to  strike  the  fatal  blow 
at  the  national  serpent  that  has  crawled  over  generation 
after  generation,  simply  because  what  is  everybody's  busi- 
ness has  so  far  proven  to  be  nobody's  business,  until  this 
hydra-headed  monster  has  so  snugly  and  tightly  encoiled 
itself  around  your  necks  that  you  fear  to  strike  the  first 
blow  for  its  disentanglement  ? 

In  conclusion,  I  implore  and  entreat  each  of  you  to  work 
in  this  cause  as  you  do  in  your  workshops  to  build  scien- 
tific machinery,  when  this  immense  machine  of  human 
government  will  bequeath  to  you  and  your  children  the 
kingdom  of  heaven. 

CHAPTER  LXVIII. 

EFFORTS  TO  ARREST  DR.  JUNO  FOR  RIOT  AND  MURDER. 


LTIIOUGII  Dr.  Juno  disbanded  the  bloody  con- 
clave, and  had  the  leaders  arrested  and  under 
heavy  bonds  to  appear  at  Court,  they,  the  latter, 
still  endeavored  to  have  Dr.  Juno  arrested  and 
tried  for  riot  and  murder ;  but  it  seemed  that  the  tables 
w^ere  being  completely  tm-ned  ;  verily,  it  is  a  long  lane  that 
has  no  turn. 

Dr.  Juno  told  Deacon  Eob  Stew  :  "If  I  ever  catch  you 
in  public  conflict,  I  shall  order  you  to  be  shot  on  the  in- 
stant, for  violating  your  parole  ;  you  must  not  think,  be- 
cause I  permitted  you  to  go  free  this  time,  that  you  will  be 
permitted  to  go  on  in  your  lawlessness." 
To  this  the  deacon  made  no  reply,  but  he  solilociiuzed : 


278  THE  SOCIAL  WAR  OF    1900 ;   OR, 

"I'll  have  your  neck  surrounded  with  hemp  before  you 
will  get  that  chance,  you  infernal  innovator  and  rioter.  I 
shall  influence  the  religious  people  to  arrest  you  forthwith. 
Who  shall  I  get  to  swear  out  tlie  warrant  ?  I  dare  not  do 
that  myself,  because  it  would  look  malicious  in  the  esti- 
mation of  the  saints  •,  moreover,  this  Juno  would  be  demo- 
niacal enough  to  slay  me  for  it.  I  will  consult  some  of  the 
members  of  the  conclave,  even  if  it  is  broken  up  ;  they  will 
not  observe  their  parole  ;  no,  sir,  not  any  of  those  who 
have  taken  our  solemn  oath.  I  will  see  Brother  Grumbler, 
Nancy  Clover,  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  and  physician-iu-chief, 
either  of  them  will  issue  the  Avarrant,  I'll  bet !  " 

The  deacon  went  straight  for  Mr.  Grumbler's  house,  for 
the  purpose  of  requesting  him  to  go  before  an  alderman  to 
swear  out  a  warrant  for  Dr.  Juno's  arrest  for  riot  and  mur- 
der, having  caused  the  death  of  ten  conspirators.  Mr. 
Grumbler  was  at  home,  but  did  not  receive  the  deacon 
very  kindly,  he  said  : 

"Good  evening,  Bi'other  Grumbler,  I  have  come  to  ask 
you  to  do  a  little  work  for  the  saints."  Mr.  Grumbler 
savagely  spied  him  all  over,  and  exclaimed  : 

"I  should  like  to  know  into  what  other  trouble  you 
would  drag  me  V  Have  I  not  suffered  enough  for  the 
bloody  clique,  and  do  you  forget  your  own  parole,  and  ex- 
pect that  I  am  fool  enougli  to  walk  with  open  eyes  into  the 
lion's  mouth?  You  may  do  your  own  dirty  work  hereaf- 
ter ;  I  am  no  more  under  your  control." 

"  Great  heavens  !  you  false,  too,  as  Avell  as  that  cowardly 
Joe  Pier,"  ejaculated  the  deacon. 

"  No,  old  tyrant,  not  false,  but  true  to  my  honorable 
oath,  made  for  a  just  cause,  a  thing  that  I  have  long  since 
wished  for.  I  am  going  to  join  the  Naturalists,  and  so  are 
all  the  consjiirators  who  have  been  your  tools  !  Wliom 
you  have  cuffed  and  ordered  around  like  cattle,  and  con- 
sidered to  be  your  mere  dupes,  having  used  us  to  carry  out 
your  infamous  plans ;  and  I  tell  you  now,  unless  you  cease 
your  plottings  against  Dr.  Juno,  I  will  expose  you  in  these 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND   LOVERS.  279 

very  efforts  at  renewed  conspiracy,  whilst  doubly  under 
parole,  and  besides  under  bonds  for  conspiracy  ;  moreover, 
I  will  have  you  arrested  and  locked  up  for  having  murdered 
Harry  Gossimer,  as  well  as  the  several  other  heinous  deeds 
that  you  are  guilty  of, "  said  Mr.  Grumbler,  in  great  earnest. 

"And  this  from  you,"  responded  the  deacon,  looking 
chop-fallen  and  humbled, 

"Yes,  sir,  from  me, "  exclaimed  Mr.  Grumbler;  "and 
more,  I  want  you  and  all  your  associates  in  crime  to  keep 
a  very  respectable  distance  away  from  me,  and  if  you  have 
done,  there  is  the  door  !  " 

"  You  would  not  dare  to  turn  me  away  in  this  rude  man- 
ner ?  "  said  the  deacon. 

"  Dare  !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Grumbler,  in  holy  wrath.  "  Yes, 
by  my  soul,  I'll  kick  you  out  of  my  house  in  the  twinkling 
of  an  eye  if  you  come  any  of  your  presumption  over  me.  I 
am  your  equal  in  any  way,  and  in  honorable  manhood, 
your  superior,  but  in  dastardly,  criminal  plotting  certainly 
your  inferior.    Kow,  quit  my  premises." 

"  I  will  leave  you,  as  you  request  it ;  but  " — 

"N'o  'buts,'  sir,"  interrupted  Mr.  Grumbler,  and  caught 
the  saintly  deacon  by  the  neck  and  bottom  of  his  panta- 
loons and  pitched  him  headlong  into  the  street,  and 
slammed  the  door  shut  and  bolted  it,  and  grumbled  : 

"  I  guess  tliat  will  cool  his  ardor  and  humble  his  conceit. 
This  villian  has  always  professed  to  be  better  than  we,  the 
working  people,  but  we  shall  let  him  and  his  clique  know 
very  soon  who  is  boss  in  America." 

The  deacon  left  Mr.  Grumbler's  premises  a  wiser,  if  not 
a  better,  man,  and  he  meditated  : 

"  My  God  !  has  it  come  to  this  ?  Have  really  our  follow- 
ers and  co-laborers  deserted  us?  Well,  I  shall  not  be 
bluffed  off  in  this  manner,  but  I  will  at  once  visit  Sister 
Nancy  Clover,  who  will  not  desert  us,  nor  treat  me  in  such 
a  rude  manner.  I  will  warrant  she  desires  to  see  me  as 
bad  as  I  want  to  consult  her.  However,  I  cannot  ask  a  wo- 
man to  swear  out  a  warrant  for  the  arrest  of  Dr.  Juno,  and 
I  want  him  jugged  to-morrow  morning." 


280  THE   SOCIAL    WAR    OF    1900  ;    OR, 

He  reached  I^ancy  Clover's  residence  at  eight  o'clock, 
and  was  invited  into  her  handsome  parlor  ;  but  when 
Nancy  learned  tliat  it  was  Deacon  Rob  Stew  she  directed 
tlie  servant  to  conduct  him  to  the  library,  where  they  met 
in  affectionate  delight ;  still,  the  deacon  was  less  passionate 
in  manifesting  love  than  Sister  Nancy  Clover,  who  fairly 
embraced  him,  and  said  : 

'■'■  O  dear  deacon,  I  am  too  happy  to  meet  you  ;  but  what 
do  you  think  of  Joe  Pier  V  Did  you  ever  think  that  we  had 
one  single  member  in  our  conclave  who  was  so  cowardly 
and  treacherous  ?  " 

"Truly,  noble  sister,  I  am  taken  back  considerably  ;  but 
you  know  Joe  Pier  was  always  a  coward,  and  a  mere  catspaw 
to  scratch  others  for  us.  Still,  he  is  not  the  only  apostate 
that  we  harbored  as  loyal  and  trustworthy  brothers ;  I 
have  just  come  from  Mr.  Grumbler's  house  " — 

"  Well,  surely,  he  is  a  staunch  and  faithful  brother  until 
death,"  interrupted  she. 

"  Alas  !  good  sister  !  "  sighed  the  deacon,  "  I  am  heartily 
grieved  to  say  that  you  are  very  much  mistaken,  for  he  has 
joined  the  Naturalists,  and  has  literally  kicked  me  out  of 
his  house  not  twenty  minutes  since  I  " 

"Great  Jehovah!"  exclaimed  Nancy  Clover;  "kicked 
you  out  of  his  house  and  has  joined  the  Naturalists  !  You 
stun  my  sensibilities,  you  set  me  wild  !  Brother  Grumbler 
deserted  our  cause !  Could  soul  of  woman  think  it  V 
Could  any  man  be  loyal  until  death  V  " 

"  Yes,  brave  sister,  here  is  one,"  ejaculated  the  deacon  ; 
"  and  if  all  the  world  prove  false,  I  alone  would  continue 
loyal  to  my  cause  until  death  would  stop  me  from  further 
promulgating  it ! " 

"  Deacon,  dear  deacon,  I  honor  and  love  you  for  that  ex- 
pression," said  she,  whilst  she  threw  her  arms  around  his 
neck  and  wept,  and  continued  :  "  You  have  my  respect,  my 
love,  my  all ;  will  you,  can  you  reciprocate  this  feeling  V  " 

"  We-11,  I  do  n-not  know  that  I  can,"  sadly  replied  the 
deacon,  and  looking  the  disappointed  elderly  heroine  and 


THE    CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVERS.  28 1 

maiden  lady  in  the  face,  and  continued  :  "  I  have  suffered 
entirely  too  much  through  the  viUanous  acts  of  that  Juno. 
Curse  his  filthy  soul !  But  I  respect  you,  and  honor  the 
ground  you  walk  on  '■■ — 

"  Truly,  you  must  know  that  Miss  Armington  is  forever 
lost  to  you,  and  the  general  is  lost  to  me,  so  we  may  as  well 
link  our  fortunes  and  affections  together,"  said  she,  very 
affectionately. 


CHAPTER  LXIX. 

DESPERATE  EFFORTS  OF  DEACON  STEW  AND  NANCY 
CLOVER. 

|OBLE  Sister  Clover,  I  have  not  come  here  to-night 
on  an  errand  of  love,"  impatiently  said  the  dea- 
con, "  but  for  the  purpose  of  consulting  you  on  a 
more  important  matter." 

"Indeed!"  exclaimed  Nancy  Clover,  sarcastically, 
"what  then  is  this  more  important  matter f  "  ' 

"  I  want  some  one  to  swear  out  a  warrant  against  Dr. 
Juno,  charging  him  with  riot  and  murder,  which  will  send 
him  to  prison  at  once.  You  know  murder  cases  are  not 
bailable,  and  we  can  then  go  ahead  again.  We  can  post- 
pone his  trial  for  several  months,  and  in  that  time  may  be 
able  to  gain  on  him  and  his  crazy  followers,"  said  Deacon 
Rob  Stew. 

"You  are  a  shrewd  fellow,  Brother  Stew,"  replied 
Nancy,  much  changed  in  her  feelings,  "and  you  need  not 
delay  in  that  matter,  but  any  advice  that  I  can  give,  I  will 
freely  proffer." 

"Tell  me,  then,"  said  he,  "who  do  you  think  would 
swear  out  the  warrant  V  " 

"Do  it  yourself,"  ejaculated  she. 

"No,  good  sister,  it  would  not  be  wise  or  quite  safe," 
responded  he,  "because — well,  I  have  several  reasons." 


282  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"Because  what?"  asked  she,  "and  what  are  these 
'several  reasons ?  '  " 

"Well,  because  I  am  already  the  second  time  under 
parole,  beside  under  bail,  as  you  know,"  said  he ;  "then, 
again,  I  have  been  threatened  by  Mr.  Grumbler ;  he  said, 
if  I  would  annoy  this  Juno  any  more,  he  (Grumbler)  would 
expose  us,  and  have  me,  and  you  too,  arrested  for  murder- 
ing Harry  Gossimer,  and  for  other  deeds  that  were  insti- 
tuted and  carried  into  execution  by  the  sacredly  secret 
conclave  " — 

"  Lord  !  did  he  not  help  to  execute  all  these  deeds  V  "  in- 
terrupted she,  indignantly ;  "  and  would  he  be  fool  enough 
to  get  his  own  neck  into  the  halter  ?  No,  never  ;  you  need 
never  fear  his  tlireats,  they  are  futile,  and  I  mean  to  tell 
him  so  to-morrow." 

"  You  have  always  been  wise  and  discreet,"  said  he ; 
"but  I  am  afraid  that  you  would  do  an  imprudent  thing 
to  say  anything  to  Mr.  Grumbler  ;  because  he  told  me  to- 
night that  if  he  should  learn  of  any  more  conspiring  on 
our  part,  he  would  at  once  inform  on  us,  and  cause  our 
arrest ;  and  as  we  are  now  under  bonds  to  appear  at  court 
for  conspiracy,  it  would  injure  us  to  violate  the  law  again  ; 
tlierefore  I  advise  you  to  give  up  the  idea  of  saying  any- 
thing to  Mr.  Grumbler." 

"Under  those  perilous  circumstances,  I  shall  consider 
discretion  the  better  part  of  valor ;  but  this  riles  me 
dreadfully,"  said  she,  "and  I  shall  lind  some  way  of  re- 
venging myself  upon  all  apostates  and  innovators  ;  mind,  I 
am  not  to  be  subdued  so  easily." 

"  "What  is  your  opinion  we  had  better  do  ?  "  asked  he. 

"Do  !  great  Lord  !  Arouse  the  religious  community,  by 
telling  the  leaders  plainly  that  their  freedom  and  right): 
will  have  to  take  back  seats,  if  this  vile  heretic  is  not 
summarily  punished  for  his  audacity,"  ejaculated  she, 
furiously. 

"You  are  right,"  said  he,  "this  is  our  only  hope  ;  but 
we  dare  not  let  them  know  that  we  have  been  carrying  on 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  283 

a  sharp  game  in  secret  conclave,  whereby  we  have  duped 
them.  The  masses  of  the  people  are  too  great  idiots  to 
understand  that  the  religion  of  the  various  sects  is  only  a 
make-believe,  a  mockei-y,  and  if  they  have  been  so  easily 
duped  for  so  many  years,  it  will  be  no  trouble  to  gull  them 
further." 

"  You  are  right,  dear  deacon,"  replied  she.  "  But  if  our 
own  lives  were  not  in  danger,  I  would  as  lief  join  you  in 
the  holy  bands  of  wedlock  and  leave  this  harassing  life ; 
what  say  you  V  " 

"•I  do  not  feel  like  marrying ;  I  am  an  altered  man  in 
many  of  my  views  ;  and  since  this  Juno  has  fallen  across 
my  path,  I  have  not  the  least  desire  to  marry  ;  I  have  no 
taste  that  way  !  "  said  Deacon  Stew. 

"I  see,  dear  brother,  you  do  not  love  me,"  said  she,  des- 
pondingly ;  "  but  you  are  not  to  blame." 

"No,  indeed,  I  am  not,"  responded  he  ;  "but  Dr.  Juno 
is,  the  low  scoundrel !  " 

"  There  is  Joe  Pier,  who  has  always  loved  me  to  distrac- 
tion ;  in  fact,  he  was  crazy  to  marry  me  ;  but  he  has 
turned  Naturalist,  therefore  I  despise  him  more  than 
ever." 

"  Well,  you  better  prove  true  to  your  parole,  and  also 
join  the  heretics,  when  you  can  marry  the  dastardly  and 
contemptible  Joe  Pier,"  said  the  deacon,  with  a  sneer  on 
his  countenance. 

"Never  !  "  she  ejaculated  ;  "but  I  have  no  one  left  me 
to  love  and  respect  except  your  noble  self." 

"I  am  grieved  at  that,"  said  he  ;  "but  had  not  things 
taken  such  a  peculiar  turn,  I  might  have  married  you,  for 
I  used  to  think  more  of  you  and  Miss  Armington  than  of 
all  the  world  combined." 

"Say  that  again,  beloved  deacon,"  she  exclaimed,  affec- 
tionately and  hopefully,  "which  gives  me  real  joy,  for  I 
cannot  see,  then,  what  objection  you  have  to  marrying 
me,  since  all  hope  is  gone  with  that  hateful  girl  Arm- 
inston ! " 


284  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"I  am  not  a  marrying  man,"  said  he,  impatiently.  "I 
cannot  marry,  I  am  ruined  as  a  man  !  " 

"  liuined  as  a  man  !  "  interposed  she.  "  How  can  you 
be  ruined  ;  I  have  wealth,  and  everything  else  to  make  us 
happy?" 

"  ;N'o,  you  have  not ;  I  wish  to  God  you  had,"  exclaimed 
he.  "  But  now  let  us  talk  of  business.  How  shall  we  jug 
Juno  ?    "Who  will  swear  out  a  Avarrant  ?  " 

''Try  Dr.  Toy  Fancy,"  exclaimed  she,  considerably  de- 
pressed in  spirit ;  "  and  if  he  will  not  do  it,  I  will,  for  I  do 
not  care  whether  I  live  or  die,  if  I  am  to  spend  my  life  in 
single  blessedness  ;  I  despise  single  life." 

"  God  bless  you  !  noble  heroine,"  said  he. 

"  Conquer  or  die  is  my  motto,"  exclaimed  she. 


CHAPTER  LXX. 

WHAT  THE  NEAVSPAPERS  SAID  OF   THE  EIOT. 


j  T  this  date  (being  several  years  since  Dr.  Juno 
was  imprisoned  for  publishing  a  reported  "ob- 
scene book,"  when  he  was  universally  libelled 
by  the  newspapers)  three  or  four  new  papers 
have  been  in  successful  operation,  which  were  started  upon 
the  principles  of  the  workingmen's  platform,  and  Dr. 
Juno's  plans  were  all  approved  and  promulgated  by  these 
reformatory  organs ;  in  fact,  Dr.  Juno  edited  the  leading 
one  himself  for  several  years. 

The  "  Oracle  "  was  tlie  oldest  advertising  sheet,  which 
was  purchased  by  a  monied  clique,  and  Avas  conducted  by 
a  hypocritical  sap-head,  Avho  Avas,  with  all  his  little  heart 
and  contemptible  soul,  in  league  with  the  sectarian  and 
lucre-grubbing  people;  and  of  course,  as  this  "Oracle" 
Avas  looked  up  to  by  all  the  dastardly  picayune  papers  of 
their  sort,  they  followed  in  the  steps  of  their  lofty 
"  Oracle." 


THE  CONSPIRATORS  AND   LOVERS.  285 

The  following  articles  appeared  in  the  various  daily- 
papers  of  Philadelphia,  after  the  arrest  of  the  conspirators 
by  Dr.  Juno,  which  the  sectarian  press  entitled  a  ''Riot," 
whilst  the  advocates  of  the  Naturalists  called  it  by  more 
exalted  names,  as  will  be  seen  : 

Editorial  from  The  Oracle. 

"^n.  Infamous  Riot  —  Br.  [?)  Juno  the  Ringleader — Ten 
killed  and  six  wounded. — Night  before  last  one  of  the  most 
infamous  and  dastardly  riots  took  place  at  Tabernacle 
Hall  that  was  ever  recorded  in  the  annals  of  history. 
Never  until  such  ■  lectures,  and  such  books  as  his  were 
thrust  into  the  faces  of  all  who  were  bad  enough  to  hear 
and  read  this  ignorant  charlatan's  harangues  and  obscene 
publications,  was  Philadelphia  disgraced  by  such  crimes 
as  midnight  mobs  and  cut-throat  riots  ;  and  not  until  the 
mayor  and  his  detectives  will  summarily  arrest  this  dan- 
gerous culprit,  and  the  honorable  court  convict  him  for 
murder,  and  the  sundry  other  acts  that  he  has  been  guilty 
of,  will  the  peace  of  citizens  and  safety  of  life  be  vouch- 
safed to  the  Christian  community. 

"  It  is  fully  twelve  years  since  we  refused  him  any  access 
to  the  advertising  columns  of  the  Oracle.  During  all  that 
time  he  has  been  going  on  in  his  infamous  course.  And 
now  we  hope  and  pray  that  the  authorities  and  religious 
commvuiity  will  attend  to  him  and  his  deluded  followers 
without  compunction  of  conscience." 

Editorial  from  The  Evening  Moon. 

(Note. — This  murder-reporting  little  sheet  is  the  tiny 
cur  that  swallows  the  bark  of  the  "  Oracle,"  and  re-barks 
the  latter's  sentiments,  aping  after  its  godfather  in  every- 
thing.) 

"Dr.  (V)  Victor  Juno  has  again  shown  himself  in  a 
new  infamous  phase  of  criminal  action.  This  bold  bad 
man  will  never  liave  his  just  dues  until  the  gallows  ends 
his  demoniacal  life. 


ii86  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF   1900;   OR, 

"  N'ight  before  last  he  and  a  lot  of  his  deluded  comrades 
armed  themselves  and  went  to  Tabei'iiacle  Hall,  and  there 
not  only  disturbed  the  inoffensive  meditations  of  our  best 
class  of  Christians,  but  actually  killed  ten  and  wounded 
six  ;  besides,  arrested  our  noble  Deacon  Rob  Stew,  Rev. 
Joe  Pier,  Miss  Nancy  Clover,  Dr.  Toy  Fancy  and  the 
physieian-in-chief  of  the  Insane  Asylum,  upon  a  charge  of 
conspiracy ;  conspiracy  of  what,  we  cannot  solve ;  but  when 
the  trial  comes  off,  if  it  ever  will,  we  shall  see  where  the 
shoe  pinches. 

"  Will  the  authorities  forthwith  arrest  this  infamous 
Dr.  (?)  and  Reverend  (?)  gentleman  and  his  chums  in  riot 
and  murder,  or  will  he  again  be  allowed  to  go  scot  free,  or 
be  pardoned  by  our  generous  Governor  ?  We  will  see  and 
report." 

Editorial  from  The  Evening  Telltale. 

(XoTE. —  Of  all  the  contemptible  and  dastardly  cut- 
throat liars  and  hypocrites,  the  white  eyelashed  editor  of 
this  sectarian  knuckling  sheet  beats  it.  He  is  one  of 
Jesus  Christ's  genuine  vipers.) 

"  An  Old  Offender  in  the  Field  Again. — ^Victor 
Juno,  not  content  with  the  just  conviction  and  imprison- 
ment he  received  several  years  ago,  has  made  riot  and 
bloodshed  his  present  game,  and  that  upon  our  most  re- 
spectable inoffensive  religious  people.  The  other  night,  as 
sacred  worship  was  held  in  Tabernacle  Hall,  Juno  and  his 
co-conspirators  in  crime  went  to  the  hall,  broke  the  doors 
open  and  killed  ten  and  wounded  six  Christians  ;  now,  un- 
less our  present  Governor  interferes  and  pardons  Juno,  as 
his  friend  Governor  Golden  did  on  a  former  occasion,  it  is 
likely  the  Penitentiary  or  gallows  will  closely  embrace  him 
for  the  infamous  and  cold  blooded  riot  and  murder  of  in- 
nocent people. 

"  When  Juno  was  convicted  and  sentenced  to  the  Peni- 
tentiary, it  was  sincerely  lioped  by  the  decent  part  of  this 
community  that  he  would  be  kept  securely  under  lock  and 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  287 

key  for  as  long  a  period  as  the  law  allowed.  For  a  number 
of  years  past  he  lias  been  an  unmitigated  nuisance  in  this 
city,  and  he  should  have  been  suppressed  long  ago. 

"■  We  hope  and  pray,  for  the  peace,  comfort  and  safety  of 
our  religious  classes,  that  he  will  be  speedily  convicted  and 
put  where  the  law  finds  he  belongs.  We  proffer  our  ser- 
vices free  for  its  consummation." 

Editorial  from  The  Morning  Workman. 

(Note. — This  is  a  new  journal  of  large  circulation  and 
influence  amongst  the  "  bone  and  sinew  "  of  the  State.) 

"The  Ball,  Started  To  Roll — The  Bloody  Conspira- 
tors Ousted  and  Arrested. — Our  valiant  and  heroic  fellow 
townsman,  Dr.  Victor  Juno,  did  last  night  what  he  long  since 
ought  to  have  done.  He  equipped  his  regiment  of  picked 
soldiers,  and  marched  direct  for  the  old  haunt  of  the 
bloody  conspirators  ;  as  he  marched  his  men  into  the  hall, 
himself  at  the  head,  the  irate  and  brazen-faced  saintly 
Nancy  Clover  ordered  the  bloody  hounds  to  repair  to  their 
armory  for  weapons,  a  third  story  room,  where  these  Chris- 
tian ( ?)  lambs  keep  a  finely  equipped  outfit  of  military 
trappings,  and  she  ordered  them  to  shoot  down  Dr.  .Juno 
and  his  soldiers,  wliich,  of  course,  caused  a  furious  fight, 
that  wound  up  by  killing  ten  and  wounding  six  conspira- 
tors, whilst  only  two  or  three  of  Dr.  Juno's  men  were 
slightly  bruised. 

"  The  leaders  of  this  bloody  clique  were  very  pugnacious, 
and  would  not  promise  to  desist  from  their  heinous  work 
when  the  doctor  had  them  arrested  for  conspiracy ;  but  be- 
fore he  sent  for  a  magistrate  they  unanimously  agreed  to 
be  paroled.  This  was  granted  to  all  of  them,  but  the  lead- 
ers were  bound  over  in  ten  thousand  dollars  to  appear  at 
court. 

"Thus  bad  begins,  and  much  worse  remains  beliind. 
The  '  Oracle '  and  his  satellites,  in  malicious  falsifying, 
will  swell  their  saintly  columns  with  praise  for  their  pious 


288  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

(?)  people,  and  holy  (V)  invective  is  in  store  for  our  heroic 
leader — Dr.  Juno. 

'■'■  We  confidentially  whisper  a  word  of  caution  to  our  de- 
luded contemporaries,  as  we  have  often  done  before,  for  we 
pity  these  misled  zealots.  The  hour  is  close  at  hand  when 
their  lucre^  sectarian  and  political  power  must  yield  to  the 
sword  of  the  working  people,  who  are  rapidly  being  indoc- 
trinated into  the  work  of  bona  fide  popular  sovereignty  ! 

"Long  prayers,  eitlier  to  God  or  man,  will  avail  them 
nothing  ;  but  they  have  been  exhorted  and  reminded  often 
and  long  enough  to  heed  the  voice  of  wisdom,  which  fell 
upon  their  self-righteous  ears  with  contempt ;  therefore 
mercy  cannot  be  exercised  until  the  last  foe  expires, 
Mark  our  admonition,  haughty  vipers,  your  hour  is  draw- 
ing nigh  ;  therefore,  repent  while  it  is  to-day,  or  take  the 
consequences. 

"  Dr.  Juno,  who  has  suffered  the  most  barbarous  martyr- 
dom at  the  hands  of  these  self-styled  '  elect^''  is  not  a  man  to 
be  trifled  with  at  this  eleventh  hour  of  the  downfall  of  the 
blasphemers  ;  they  ought  to  know  him  by  this  time,  and 
they  also  should  know  that  the  peo]>le  have  looked  on  pa- 
tiently for  many  years,  and  are  heartily  tired  of  these  ca- 
nonical usurpations  and  corrupt  administrations  in  church 
and  state.  The  era  of  the  new  radical,  scientific  departure 
is  rife,  and  the  trumpet  may  sound  any  day," 

Editorial  from  The  Evening  Communist. 

"  The  Hour  of  Retributive  Justice  has  Come.— 
Dr.  Juno  made  a  raid  upon  the  vilest  set  of  cut-throats  last 
night  that  ever  disgraced  a  decent  nation.  We  can  fairly 
worship  the  wise,  the  brave,  the  genuine  Christian  man, 
who  has  labored  with  indomitable  energy  for  the  cause  of 
God  and  h\iraanity  for  a  quarter  of  a  century,  and  who  in 
his  hour  of  prosperity  can  forego  the  pleasures  of  a  life  of 
affluence  to  do  justice  to  his  poorer  fellow-creatures. 

"■  The  malignity  that  the  editors  of  the  would-be  'Public 


THE   CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVERS.  289 

Press  '  of  Philadelphia  have  heaped  upon  this  genuine  re- 
former for  many  years  will  now  have  an  opportunity  to  see 
the  beginning  of  the  end  of  their  nefarious  usurpation  and 
malicious  lying !  They  have  duped  the  people  for  many 
years  by  making  them  believe  that  Dr.  Juno  was  the  scoun- 
drel which  they  said  he  was ;  but,  thank  God,  Dr.  Juno 
persevered  in  the  right  until  he  has  convinced  seven- 
eighths  of  the  entire  community  of  the  righteousness  of  his 
cause  and  the  course  he  has  pursued  during  his  entire  pub- 
lic and  private  life. 

"We  prophesy  that  these  domineering  saints  (?),  who 
love  money,  self  and  position  more  than  truth,  principle  or 
God,  will  soon  have  cause  to  open  their  deceived  eyes 
when  they  find  the  feelings  of  the  masses  of  the  people  that 
they  have  engendered  by  trying  to  misrepresent  this  bene- 
factor ! 

" '  Lay  on  MacDuff,  and  damned  be  he  who  first  cries 
hold,  enough  ! '  And  let  all  of  them  know  the  deep-dyed 
rascality  that  has  for  centuries  been  practised  against  the 
Christian  rights  of  the  people  !  Look  out,  scribes,  Phari- 
sees and  hypocrites,  for  a  just  Providence  exercises  ven- 
geance through  His  instruments — the  faithful  people — on 
you  I    "Wait  a  little  while  longer  and  see  ! " 

Editorial  from  Dr.  Juno's  Weekly. 

"  We  have  had  occasion  to  silence  the  Bloody  Conclave 
at  last,  and  we  counsel  repentance  and  a  return  to  God  and 
Nature,  or  a  doomed  existence  for  those  who  persist  in  the 
error  of  their  ways.  We  pity  the  misled  and  haughty  peo- 
ple, but  duty  calls  for  terrible  work  !" 
19 


290  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 


CHAPTER   LXXI. 

THE  EDITORS  OF  THE  CONSPIRATORS'  NEWSPAPERS  RE- 
CEIVE DOCUMENTS  ASKING  THEM  TO  LEAVE  THE 
COUNTRY. 

HE  newspapers  having  had  their  say,  the  "Secret 
Order  of  Naturalists"  held  a  business  meeting 
that  was  attended  by  nearly  every  male  and  fe- 
male member  in  the  county  of  Philadelphia,  and 
the  editorial  remarks  of  the  "  Oracle,"  "  Evening  Moon  " 
and  "  Evening  Telltale  "  were  discussed,  when  Dr.  Juno 
said : 

"  Beloved  Naturalists,  you  have  before  you  the  senti- 
ments of  that  instrument  which  greatly  moulds  public 
opinion  ;  and  as  these  organs  have  always  been  governed 
by  men  who  were  after  lucre  and  glory  of  men,  and  who 
cared  not,  nor  do  now  care,  whether  they  benefit  the  people, 
or  even  their  own  followers  and  believers  who  support 
them,  I  think  it  is  fully  time  that  we  should  give  each  of 
these  scribes  twenty-four  hours'  notice  to  leave  the  country, 
or  take  them  and  hang  them  by  mob  law  upon  the  first 
poles  that  can  be  reached,  with  this  motto  upon  them : 
Bic  semper  tyrannis.'''' 

"  I  am  delighted  to  see  our  Father  so  decided  to  mete  out 
a  just  reward  to  these  demoralizing  newspaper  men,  who 
have  cried  thief  and  cut-throat  long  enough,  whilst  they 
themselves  were  the  veriest  ones,"  responded  a  brother 
Naturalist;  "and  I  move  that  we  draw  up  a  legal  docu- 
ment, and  seal  it  with  our  official  seal,  and  have  it  signed 
by  the  secretary." 

"That  is  right,"  said  another;  "I  second  the  motion, 
and  I  would  call  upon  Dr.  Juno — our  Father — to  compose 
the  document  in  his  usual  dignified  style." 

"All  those  in  favor  please  say ,"  spoke  the  presi- 
dent, and  addedj  "  It  is  unanimously  carried," 


THE   CONSPIEATORS    A2y"D   LOVERS.  291 

Banishment  DocriiENx. 
"  "We,  the  Sovereign  People,  known  as  the  Naturalists^ 
having  congregated  together  for  rigorous  work,  do  unani- 
mously agree  that  you  the  editor,  J G ,  and  pro- 
prietor, L C ,  of  the  newspaper  entitled  thQ 

O ,  who  having  recently  written  and  published  arti- 
cles in  your  columns  derogatory  to  the  character  of  Dr. 
Victor  Juno  and  his  followers,  are  hereby  positively  or- 
dered, without  hesitation,  to  leave  this  country — the  United 
States  of  America — in  twenty-four  hours  from  this  hour, 
and  that  you  do  not  return  again  until  such  time  as  we 
choose  to  permit  you  to  come  back ;  and  this  we  order 
under  the  penalty  of  death  by  the  law  that  is  inherent  in 
the  Sovereign  People  ! 

"  We  heremito  affix  our  legal  seal  of  the  '  Secret  Order  of 
Naturalists,'  which  gives  you  bona  fide  evidence  of  our  de- 
termined intention  to  execute  what  we  have  herein  ex- 
May  God  have  mercy  on  your  sinful  souls  ! 

"  Given  under  the  hand  and  seal  of  the  '  Secret 
Order  of  ISTaturalists. ' 

" ,  Secretary. 

" ,  President.'"' 

The  above  legal  form  of  a  document  was  made  out  for 
each  of  the  editors  and  proprietors  of  those  three  news- 
papers, and  a  committee  of  three  fine  looking  men  served 
them  in  company  upon  each  editor  and  proprietor ;  and 
that  selfsame  hour  each  of  these  cowardly  howlers  scrambled 
to  get  ready  for  a  hasty  exit  from  the  land  where  they  had 
their  own  way  in  everything  for  many  years. 

They  did  not  let  it  be  even  hinted  what  caused  them  to 
leave  home  so  abruptly.  The  baldeagle  managing  proprie- 
tor of  the  "Oracle,'-  and  his  man  Friday,  steered  hastily 
for  Europe,  the  former's  favorite  place  of  resort ;  being  an 
Englishman  by  birth,  as  well  as  his  editor— man  Friday — 
they  fled  to  the  bosom  of  their  mothers'  home,  evidently 
singing  "  Sweet  Home  ''  as  they  journeyed  away  from  their 
illy  gotten  lucre  and  falsely  earned  reputation  as  liberal 


292  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OP    1900;    OR, 

Christian  benefactors  and  generous  right-hand  donators 
of  the  working  people's  money.  The  lambs  in  despair  left 
their  noble  pile  !  Yea,  the  wolves  in  sheep's  raiment 
''  skedaddled  "  like  whipped  curs,  but  dared  not  let  it  be 
known  what  caused  this  sudden  departure. 

These  papers  had  nothing  more  to  say  about  any  trans- 
actions that  referred  to  Dr.  Juno  or  the  working  people. 
The  bag  of  wind  exploded,  and  the  cowards  slunk  into 
silence  in  a  foreign  land.  Thus  were  the  conspirators  de- 
prived of  their  most  useful  instruments  for  arousing  their 
own  people,  and  the  worldlings  who  had  not  yet  become 
indoctrinated  into  the  new  scientific  departure  ;  however, 
these  zealots  and  their  various  sects,  who  stuck  by  them, 
had  not  the  least  suspicion  that  so  few  continued  faithful 
to  the  orthodox  powers.  They  consoled  themselves  that 
their  holy  religions  would  cause  the  great  majority  to  take 
sides  with  them  in  the  hour  of  conflict,  provided  an  inter- 
nal war  should  be  commenced,  a  thing  which  they  expec- 
ted, and  hence  prepared  for  it. 


CHAPTER  LXXII. 

FUTILE  EFFORTS  TO  ARREST  DR.  JUNO— HIS  WEDDING 
INSTEAD. 

pLTHOUGH  Nancy  Clover  promised  that  she 
would  herself  swear  out  a  warrant  for  Dr. 
Juno's  arrest,  she  found  her  game  blocked  ;  be- 
cause she  could  not  find  a  magistrate  that  would 
issue  a  warrant  against  the  man  who  was  wielding  more 
influence  than  even  l<"apoleon  I.  She  at  last  went  to  the 
mayor  of  the  city,  but  although  he  was  a  sectarian  bigot 
and  lucre-worshipper,  still  he  smelled  a  huge  rat ;  having 
been  secretly  informed  that  if  he  would  take  any  steps 
against  Juno,  that  he  might  get  his  walking  papers,  like 
the  editors  and  proprietors  of  the  rascally  orthodox  news- 


THE   CONSPIEATOES   AND   LOVERS.  293 

papers  ;  and  he  was  not  so  ambitious  to  knuckle  and  prance 
around  European  aristocrats  as  was  the  baldeagle  manager 
of  the  "Oracle,"  who  has  continually  sought  for  commu- 
nion and  recognition  amongst  the  European  potentates  for 
many  years  ;  therefore  his  honor  told  his  beloved  Sister 
Clover  that  circumstances  had  materially  changed  within 
a  few  years,  and  that  he  would  have  to  have  a  large  army 
of  soldiers  at  his  elbow  before  he  would  dare  to  comply 
with  her  request,  to  issue  such  a  warrant. 

This  from  the  honorable  mayor  was  an  iiwful  knockdown 
argument,  and  a  damper  upon  the  high  spirits  of  Sister 
Nancy  Clover.    She  therefore  soliloquized  : 

"  vireat  Lord  !  no  one  dare  to  grant  me  law.  I  cannot  get 
a  warrant  •,  even  the  mayor  refuses,  on  account  of  the  pow- 
erful influence  that  this  impudent  Dr.  (?)  Juno — Rev.  Dr. 
Juno,  M,  D.,  D.  D.— bah  !  This  is  most  disgusting  and  re- 
volting to  my  womanly  nature  ;  and  there  remains  but  one 
thing  for  me  to  do,  to  clear  the  track,  and  thereby  remove 
this  great  obstacle  that  blocks  the  game  of  tlie  '■elect;  '  and 
that  is,  to  shoot  him  through  the  heart  and  send  him  to 
his  long  account. 

"I  shall  to  work,  and  revive  the  practice  of  shooting; 
and  1  understand  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  and  this  su- 
perb (?)  Rev.  Dr.  Juno  are  to  be  married  next  Thursday 
evening  at  General  Washington  Armington's  residence  \ 
yes,  they  are  going  to  have  a  good  time,  having  invited 
several  hundred  of  all  sorts  of  people ;  even  common  work- 
ing people  and  poor  trash  are  to  commingle  with  the  rich. 
Lord,  O  Lord  !  what  is  this  world  coming  to  !  Before  / 
would  permit  my  servants  and  the  dirty  working  people  to 
come  into  my  parlors  on  even  a  common  occasion,  much 
less  on  a  festive  period  like  a  wedding,  I  would  die 
in  despair ;  but,  then,  these  lower  classes  are  Juno's 
strength. 

"  Oh,  how  I  long  to  continue  in  communion  with  the 
'  elect ; '  yes,  the  Uite  and  refined,  where  real  piety  and 
chaste  civilization  predominate  over  vulgar  and  obscene 


294  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

nature !  Naturalists  1  truly  vulgar  trash  !  But  then  these 
devils  are  making  the  rich  even  full  in  love  with  their 
natural  doctrines  ;  and,  in  sooth,  uncouth  country  looking 
lasses  and  coarsely  formed  men  are  looked  upon  as  the 
loveliest  and  best  creatures  !  Oh,  horror  I  this  is  poison  to 
my  refined  and  fastidious  tastes  and  habits. 

''No  doubt  at  all  but  that  when  Miss  Armington  and 
her  crazy  fathei%  the  once  refined  and  beloved  idol  of  my 
soul,  were  brought  to  their  home  by  this  great  Naturalist 
— Rev.  Dr.  ( V)  Juno — they  embraced  those  illiterate,  low, 
rough  Irish  servants,  Pat  O 'Conner  and  Judy  McCrea,  the 
deceitful  Catholic  devils.  How  I  long  to  choke  the  whole 
set  of  them.  I  am  fairly  spoiling  to  serve  the  whole  batch 
of  them  an  irreparable  injury,  and  if  it  costs  me  my  life, 
or  worse.  Next  Thursday  evening  the  brave  lover  of  Miss 
Armington  will  die  at  my  hands,  before  the  minister  shall 
say  Amen  to  the  nuptial  ceremony.  Mark  me,  or  I  am 
none  of  God's  elect." 

What  a  brave  and  useful  woman  this  Nancy  Clover 
would  have  made  had  she  been  engaged  in  a  good  cause. 
She  had  learned  that  Dr.  Juno  and  Miss  Armington  were 
to  be  wedded,  and  that  all  the  members  of  the  "Secret 
Order  of  Naturalists  "  were  invited  guests,  who  were  the 
people  that  Dr.  Juno  converted  to  his  doctrines,  and  whom 
he  taught  to  live  together  as  '•'■one  family^''''  having  a  com- 
mon interest,  a  common  love,  and  a  common  treasury,  out 
of  which  all  would  be  sustained.  Even  Pat  and  Judy,  who 
were  formerly  Roman  Catholics,  joined  this  reformed  body 
of  Natural  Christians,  who  believed  in  living  a  life,  as 
nearly  as  possible,  as  Jesus  did  himself,  and  as  he  directed 
all  should  do,  regardless  of  color,  position,  condition  or 
birth.  All  were  God's  children,  in  a  general  sense,  and, 
therefore,  all  who  were  faithful  to  fixed  injunctions  had  an 
equal  right  to  have  their  real  wants  supi^lied ;  but  those 
who  voluntarily  led  infidel  or  unfaithful  lives,  could  not 
expect  to  be  blessed  with  freedom  on  earth,  nor  obtain  sal- 
vation. 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND    LOVERS.  1:95 

Instead  of  Dr.  Juno  being  under  arrest  for  riot  and  mur- 
der, he  was  at  liberty  to  plan  his  varied  work.  He  prac- 
tised healing  of  the  sick  and  preached  the  genuine  Gospel, 
made  all  the  arrangements  for  his  marriage,  and  superin- 
tended the  rapid  equipment  of  the  Naturalists  throughout 
the  country,  for  the  purpose  of  snatching  the  reins  of  gov- 
ernment, of  what  is  known  as  "Church  and  State,"  from 
those  who  have  usurped  every  right  of  man,  and  even  of 
beast. 

He  was  convinced  that  God  gives  his  human  species  the 
power  to  hold  dominion  over  everything ;  provided,  no 
false  prophets  and  blind  guides  are  allowed  to  mislead  and 
hoodwink  the  confiding  and  sincere  people ;  and  he 
esteemed  money,  and  its  concomitant  matters,  as  filthy 
lucre^  as  trash,  as  compared  with  that  knowledge  of  God's 
fixed  laws  and  wonderful  works.  In  other  words,  what 
will  it  profit  a  man  if  he  should  gain  all  the  wealth  that 
money  can  buy,  and  thereby  lose  his  own  happiness,  his  own 
beautiful  manhood,  his  o\\ai  health  of  body  and  soul,  and 
thereby  claim  a  fame  and  name  that  would  cause  the  spirit 
of  Christ  to  weep,  the  angels  to  mourn,  and  God  to  frown  ? 


CHAPTEK  LXXIII. 

NIGHT  OF  THE  WEDDING— DR.   JUNO  SHOT. 

R.  JUNO  and  his  dearly  beloved  Lucinda  were 
amazingly  happy  and  buoyant  in  spirits,  amidst 
all  the  hubbub  that  was  going  on  in  relation  to 
the  great  question  of  the  day. 
He  was  fully  aware  that  great  plottings  were  going  on 
with  his  enemies,  and  although  he  had  banished  some  of 
the  vile  agitators — the  newspaper  scribes— and  had  the 
leading  bloody  conspirators  under  bonds,  still  the  begin- 
ning of  the  terrible  work  had  not  even  yet  been  fairly  com- 


296  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

menced  ;  therefore,  he  kept  a  vigilant  eye  on  his  enemies, 
and  the  night  of  the  wedding  he  had  ordered  a  company  of 
piclced  soldiers  to  bring  their  weapons  and  deposit  tliem  in 
the  general's  mansion,  as  a  little  safeguard  against  con- 
tingencies, for  he  has  been  accustomed,  for  a  quarter  of  a 
century,  to  be  annoyed  or  arrested  when  he  made  any 
manifestation  that  had  a  tendency  to  excite  favorable 
public  attention. 

The  night  was  a  beautiful  one,  the  moon  dimly  illumi- 
nating the  eastern  horizon,  and  being  in  the  fall  of  the 
year,  when  the  gentle  draughts  of  exhilarating  air  were 
gratefully  quaffed  through  open  doors  and  windows,  which 
made  the  festive  scenes  a  most  normal  and  delightful  mani- 
festation of  a  united  and  affectionate  people,  leaving  noth- 
ing to  mar  the  pleasures  of  joyous  hilarity,  merry-making 
and  Christian  love. 

After  all  the  guests  had  arrived,  and  everything  was 
being  prepared  for  the  nuptial  ceremony,  a  woman  could 
have  been  observed  amongst  the  numerous  guests  that 
congregated  around  the  large  parlor  windows,  which 
opened  to  the  floor,  who  was  disguised  as  an  humble  work- 
ing girl,  and  who  kept  herself  in  the  midst  of  the  female 
visitors.  Slie  watched  every  movement  of  the  hapjiy  bride- 
groom, and  she  worked  her  way  to  the  side  of  a  window, 
where  she  had  a  clear  look  of  the  entire  parlor  ;  and  when 
the  guests  formed  a  circle  for  tlie  commencement  of  the 
ceremony,  and  as  the  minister  began  to  ask  Dr.  Juno  : 

"  Wilt  thou  have  this  woman  " — 

Xancy  Clover,  having  aimed  unbeknown  to  any  one  for 
Dr.  Juno's  heart,  fired  a  bullet,  and  the  bridegroom  fell  to 
the  floor  bleeding  immensely,  which  caused  a  tremendous 
commotion  ! 

General  Armington  sprang  in  the  direction  from  which 
the  pistol  was  fired,  and  cried  out  : 

"  Arrest  the  culprit  that  fired  that  pistol,  no  matter  who 
did  it,  bring  him  into'tlie  parlor." 

Tlie  Naturalists  at  once  formed  into  aline,  at  the  request 
of  a  captain,  who  said  : 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  297 

"  Friends  and  soldiers,  do  not  permit  any  one,  man,  wo- 
man or  child,  to  escape  at  the  peril  of  his  or  her  own  life  ; 
we  shall  learn  who  fired  that  fatal  shot." 

Nancy  Clover  had,  of  course,  no  chance  to  escape  as  yet, 
and  what  to  do  puzzled  her  awfully.  She  meditated  as 
follows : 

"If  I  remain  amongst  this  crowd  I  will  be  detected. 
Still,  I  have  less  chance  to  escape  through  this  line  of  peo- 
ple, who  seem  to  be  armed  and  ready  for  action.  I  look 
like  an  humble  woman,  and  I  shall  act  as  innocent  as  a 
lamb  ;  but  I  must  get  rid  of  this  jjistol.  If  I  could  only 
slip  it  into  the  pocket  of  one  of  these  servant  girls,  it  might 
be  that  no  one  could  vouch  for  her  honor,  and  whilst  they 
would  accuse  liei\  I  should  go  free. 

"  I  will  feign  to  be  sick,  and  thereby  cast  myself  upon  some 
of  these  women,  when  I  may  find  a  chance  to  slip  the  pistol 
into  some  one's  pocket.  It  was  glorious  that  I  was  stand- 
ing entirely  amongst  these  females,  who,  like  poor  geese, 
all  shut  their  eyes  when  the  pistol  went  off,  lience  did  not 
detect  me^  and  they  already  have  their  eyes  on  another  per- 
son, which  relieves  me  vastly.  I  shall  tell  them  that  the 
blood  of  the  poor  doctor  made  me  sick,  which  will  gull 
them,  and  give  me  a  chance  to  escape,  if  all  goes  as  I  an- 
ticipate." 

She  played  her  part  well,  got  ill,  put  the  pistol  into  an 
old  woman's  dress  pocket,  and  fainted  dead  away  !  A  rush 
was  made  towards  her,  when  the  old  lady  said  : 

"  Please  do  not  crowd  so  this  way,  but  make  room  so  that 
the  air  can  pass  this  way,  and  bring  some  cold  water,  this 
lady  has  fainted  from  seeing  the  blood." 

"  Is  that  all,"  responded  several. 

"I'll  soon  be  better,''  sighed  the  innocent  (?)  murderess, 
and  verily  such  was  the  case,  for  she  felt  quadruply  better 
on  account  of  having  nothing  about  her  person  that  could 
betray  her. 

Dr.  Juno  was  instantly  removed  to  the  drawing-room  and 
laid  on  an  easy  lounge,  whilst  three  physicians,  who  were 


298  THE  SOCIAL    WAR  OF    1900;    OR, 

present— Xuturalists— waited  upon  him,  in  connection  with 
the  faithful  bride,  wiio  was  as  pale  as  a  ghost,  but  utteitd 
not  a  word,  until  the  general  asked,  addressing  the  physi- 
cians : 

"  Gentlemen,  what  are  your  diagnosis  ?  Does  he  live 
yet,  and  is  there  any  possibility  of  his  I'ecovery  V  " 

''He  revives,"  responded  one.  "Yes,  he  seems  to  be 
coming  to,"  said  another,  when  Miss  Armington  grasped 
his  right  hand  in  her  left,  and  placed  her  right  hand  upon 
his  forehead,  and  forcing  her  life  into  him,  said  : 

"  My  beloved  !  you  are  better  !  "    This  caused  him  to  say  : 

"  Yes,  darling  !    I  only  fainted  !    But  who  struck  me  V  " 

"  Xo  one,  my  love,"  said  she. 

"  Please  do  not  deceive  me,  precious  one  ;  I  even  now 
feel  it  here,"  exclaimed  he,  pointing  to  the  left  side  of  his 
•chest. 

"Some  one  shot  you,"  said  the  general ;  "but  I  thank 
God  you  are  alive,  and  devoutly  pray  that  you  will  soon  bo 
Avell." 

"Thank  you,  dear  father,"  said  Dr.  Juno,  and  added, 
"  Doctor,  see  if  the  bullet,  or  whatever  struck  me,  entered 
into  my  thorax." 

The  physicians  probed  the  bullet-hole,  but  found  it  had 
struck  a  rib  and  glanced  otf,  making  merely  a  bad  flesh 
wound. 

CHAPTER  LXXIV. 

ALL   THE  GUESTS  EXAMINTED  AND  THE  ASSASSIN 
DETECTED. 

[jFTER  the  wounds  of  Dr.  Juno  were  dressed,  he 
felt  very  comfortable,  and  expressed  a  desire  to 
go  to  sleep,  when  all  left  the  room  except  Miss 
Armington,  who  remained  by  his  side,  expressing 

her  great  affection  and  grief  at  the  sad  termination  of  the 

ceremony,  when  he  said  : 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  299 

"Darling  Lucinda,  do  you  remember  the  dream  I  once 
told  you  I  dreamt  three  times  concerning  our  nuptials,  and 
each  time  being  interrupted  by  deep,  designing  ene- 
mies V" 

"  Indeed  I  do,"  replied  she.  • 

"  This  seems  like  a  fulfilment  of  that  dreadful  dream ; 
but  now  will  you  sit  by  me  a  wliile,  until  I  compose  my- 
self, for  I  feel  it  is  necessary  for  me  to  keep  quiet  and  go 
to  sleep,  if  I  can  V  " 

"Certainly,  my  beloved;  with  joy  I  will  remain  with 
you,  and  pet  you  to  sleep,"  responded  she. 

When  General  Armington  and  the  three  physicians 
returned  to  the  parlor,  he  said  to  the  otRcers  of  the  regi- 
ment : 

"Gentlemen,  order  your  men  to  guard  well  the  outside, 
preventing  any  one  from  escaping,  whilst  you  order,  first, 
all  the  men  in  single  file  to  pass  into  the  parlor  from  the 
right  hand  window  there,  and  after  we  shall  examine  each 
one,  and  finding  him  not  guilty,  we  will  pass  him  out  by  the 
■left  door,  separating  them  until  all  the  men  are  examined  ; 
and  if  we  do  not  find  the  murderer  amongst  the  males,  we 
shall  then  do  the  same  to  each  lady  ;  now  begin." 

The  line  was  formed,  and  every  man  was  vouched  for  as 
a  good,  loyal  Naturalist ;  all  cheerfully  permitted  to  have 
themselves  thoroughly  examined,  because  they  were  as 
anxious  to  find  the  criminal  as  the  general  himself,  and  all 
were  of  the  opinion  that  it  was  a  woman  who  fired  the 
pistol ;  the  floors  and  surrounding  grounds  were  examined, 
but  no  weapon  was  found  ;  then  the  females'  turn  came, 
and  nearly  one-half  of  them  were  being  vouched  for  as 
being  loyal  Naturalists,  upon  whose  persons  no  weapon 
was  found,  which  seemed  to  appear  very  curious,  and  some 
even  suspicioned  that  a  traitor  or  traitoress  was  amongst 
the  members  of  the  Naturalists  ;  but  at  this  moment  the 
made-up,  disguised  Nancy  Clover's  turn  came  ;  no  one 
could  vouch'for  her,  she  was  a  stranger  ;  not  a  single  per- 
son even  knew  her ;  she  was  examined  without  the  least 


300  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

objections  being  made  on  her  part ;  she  seemed  innocent, 
but  General  Armiugton  said  : 

"As  this  woman  is  a  strangei',  and  cannot  be  vouched 
for,  although  she  seems  innocent,  it  cannot  be  esteemed 
improper  to  retain  her  as  a  prisoner  until  we  find  the  true 
culprit ;  and  if  we  do  not  find  him  or  her,  we  shall  be  com- 
pelled to  make  this  ladj'  give  a  full  account  of  herself,  who 
invited  her,  and  how  she  happened  to  be  here." 

The  heroic  and  determined  Nancy  Clover  was  asked  to 
"stand  aside,"  and  was  guarded  by  two  soldiers,  whilst 
the  balance  of  the  women  were  vouched  for  and  examined, 
until  the  third  to  the  last  made  her  appearance,  who  had 
the  pistol  in  her  dress  pocket,  and  as  the  examiner  at  once 
got  his  hand  upon  the  pistol,  and  took  it  from  her  pocket, 
he  said  : 

"Here  is  the  weapon." 

"  Great  God !  "  was  an  exclamation  that  was  heard  all 
over  the  room. 

"Maria!  O  Sister  Maria!  what  have  you  done  ?"  ex- 
claimed a  gentleman,  and  the  entire  brother  and  sisterhood 
of  Naturalists  were  amazed.    Some  exclaimed  : 

"  It  cannot  be  possible  that  our  most  faithful  sister  is 
guilty ! " 

"No,  never  !    I  have  done  nothing  " — 

"  But  how  came  that  pistol  in  your  i)ocket  ?  "  interrupted 
General  Armington,  gently.  "I  do  not  charge  you  with 
the  crime,  but  cannot  you  tell  us  how  you  came  to  have 
this  pistol  in  your  pocket  V  " 

"  I  do  not  know,"  continued  sister  Maria. 

Nancy  Clover's  nerves  were  wrought  up  to  a  high  pitch 
of  excitement  at  this  state  of  affairs,  and  she  soliloquized  : 

"  The  old  fool  is  being  vouched  for  as  one  of  their  most 
popular  and  loj'al  sister  Naturalists,  which  makes  it  seem 
dark  for  me ;  but  I  will  be  calm. " 

"  Think  for  a  moment,"  said  the  general,  "  if  you  recol- 
lect that  some  one  "svas  close  enough  by  you,  who  might 
have  slipped  it  into  j^our  pocket." 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  301 

"Curse  that  old  crazy  scoundrel,"  thought  Nancy 
Clover. 

"Yes,  I  do  remember!"  exclaimed  Sister  Maria;  and, 
turning  toward  Nancy  Clover,  continued  :  "  This  woman 
fainted  and  threw  herself  into  my  arms,  and  I  now  remem- 
ber that  she  was  fumbling  about  my  dress,  but  then  I  did 
not  suspicion  her  ;  I  am  sure  she  is  guilty." 

The  general  said:  "So  I  thought,"  and  a  groan  went 
through  the  large  crowd.  "Sister  Maria,  you  also  stand 
aside,"  continued  the  general,  "  until  we  finish  the  balance 
of  the  ladies." 

In  a  few  moments  the  rest  were  examined  and  vouched 
for,  when  the  general  ordered  : 

"Captain  Thomas,  please  order  your  soldiers  into  the 
parlor,  and  form  a  circle  with  them,  and  six  of  us  and 
these  two  ladies  will  go  into  the  centre,  and  complete  our 
search." 

This  done,  the  general  questioned  Maria  as  follows  : 

"You  are  sure,  Maria  Wilson,  that  this  woman,"  point- 
ing to  Nancy  Clover,  "  was  the  person  that  fainted  in  your 
arms?" 

"  I  am  most  positive  of  it,"  said  Maria  ;  "  I  know  by  that 
mark  on  her  forehead." 

"Do  you  think  she  really  fainted  ?  "  asked  he. 

"No  ;  but  I  can  now  easily  understand  why  she  recov- 
ered so  quickly  after  she  was  done  fumbling  about  my 
dress,"  said  she  ;  "she  evidently  only  feigned  to  faint,  to 
deceive  me." 

"What  have  pou  to  say  to  this,  stranger  ?"  asked  the 
general  of  Nancy  Clover. 

"  I  have  never  touched  this  woman,  to  my  recollection," 
answered  Nancy. 

"  Who  are  you  ?  What  is  your  name  ?  "  questioned  the 
general. 

"I  eannot  see  why  I  should  be  suspicioned,"  she  ejacu- 
lated, waxing  indignant ;  "  neither  do  I  see  that  it  is  any 
of  your  affairs  what  my  name  is." 


302  THE   SOCIAL   WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

"  I  will  show  very  soon  whether  it  is  or  not,"  responded 
the  general,  angrily. 

"Look  here,  general,"  said  the  captain,  whilst  pulling  a 
wig  from  the  chaste  stranger's  scalpology,  "  this  woman  is 
in  disguise  ;  she  is  evidently  a  bloody  conspirator,  fixed  up 
for  assassination." 

The  general  took  a  piercing  look  at  her  face  and  form, 
when  he  exclaimed,  with  holy  indignation  : 

"It  is  Miss  Nancy  Clover,  the  prime  minister  of  the 
bloody  clique,  by  the  gods !  How  dare  you,  miserable 
wretch,  come  to  my  house  to  assassinate  my  son-in- 
law  V  " 

Here  a  tremendous  rush  was  made  for  the  would-be 
assassin  by  the  Naturalists. 


CHAPTER  LXXy. 

THE  ATTEMPTED  ASSASSINATION  OF  DR.  JUNO,  BY  NANCY 
CLOVER,  CAUSED  A  TERRIBLE  PUBLIC  WRATH. 

AD  General  Armington  not  interfered,  the  Natu- 
ralists would  have  lynched  the  indomitable 
Nancy  Clover  ;  but  he  exclaimed  : 

"  Do  not  harm  the  poor  wretch,  but  let  her 
receive  an  ordinary  trial  by  court  martial,  which  will  give 
her  all  she  deserves ;  in  the  mean  while,  we  will  send  her 
to  prison,  until  we  see  the  result  of  the  wounds  which  she 
has  inflicted  on  Dr.  Juno." 

"Sir,  you  are  a  gentleman,  even  if  you  are  my  enemy, 
and  I  thank  you  for  this  courtesy  to  one  wlio  would 
scarcely  have  done  as  much  for  you,"  said  Nancy  Clover, 
really  looking  grateful  at  the  general;  "and,  if  it  is  not 
asking  too  much,  may  I  be  permitted  to  say  a  few  words  in 
my  own  behalf  V  " 

"  I  have  no  objections ;  but,  to  be  candid  with  you,  I 
must  assert  that  you  had  better  not  enrage  these  people 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  303 

too  much,  as  I  might  not  be  able  to  control  their  just  in- 
dignation, when  you  might  fare  mucli  worse  than  if  you 
had  remained  silent.  They  all  consider  you  guilty,  there- 
fore, any  denial  of,  or  excuse  lor,  this  dastardly  act  would 
surely  add  flame  to  the  fire  ;  but  use  your  own  discretion," 
kindly  said  the  general. 

"  Well,  general,  I  will  speak  to  you  in  the  presence  of  all 
that  are  here  assembled,  and  say,  that  I  am  not  guilty  of 
the  crime  with  which  I  am  accused  " — 

"Silence!  impudent,  ignorant  ingrate,"  shouted  two 
stentorian  voices,  which  interrupted  her  speech,  and  one 
of  them  added  :  "  You  serpent,  liar  and  assassin,  how  can 
you  have  the  audacity  to  make  such  remarks  in  our  pres- 
ence, when  you  were  just  told  by  our  kind  hearted  gi;neral 
to  be  cautious  how  you  insult  us  ?  Do  you  take  us  to  be 
fools,  or  cowards,  thinking  that  j^ou  can  throw  dust  into 
our  eyes,  because  the  noble  Christian  of  the  house  has  been 
lenient  with  you,  and  on  account  of  respect  to  him  w^e 
have  desisted  from  summarily  dispatching  you  ?  " 

A  dash  for  her  was  made  by  men,  who  almost  tore  her 
limb  from  limb,  when  she  screamed  vehemently  : 

"  General !  O  general !  save  me  !  " 

"Please  desist  for  a  moment,"  exclaimed  the  general, 
which  they  did  at  once,  when  he  continued,  addressing  the 
assassin : 

"  Have  I  not  told  you  to  be  cautious ;  why  did  you  not 
heed  me?"  and,  turning  tow^ard  his  guests,  added:  "I 
really  would  rather  not  see  violence  used  upon  this  woman 
in  my  house  ;  not  that  I  think  she  does  not  deserve  instant 
death,  but  I  dislike  to  have  my  residence  made  a  scene  of 
even  just  shedding  of  blood  !  " 

"  Then,  let  us  take  her  away  from  your  premises,  far 
enough  away,  and  there  do  our  sworn  and  imperative 
duty,"  ejaculated  an  indignant  Naturalist,  w^hose  cry  was 
sanctioned  by  a  general  "Amen  \ "  To  which  General 
Armin£rton  said  : 

"  Still,  the  principle  would  be  the  same  as  if  you  acted 


304  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OE, 

SO  in  this  house  ;  permit  an  escort  of  our  brave  soldiers  to 
conduct  tlie  doomed  woman  to  prison  " — 

''  Then  she  will  be  let  out  on  bail,"  interposed  a  hercu- 
lean voice,  to  which  several  said  : 

''That's  so." 

"I  move,"  said  Maria  Wilson,  into  whose  pocket  the 
assassin  put  the  pistol,  "that  we  send  her  to  prison,  and 
leave  her  to  the  just  indignation  and  scorn  of  the  whole 
people ;  and  that  the  whole  truth  be  published  in  our  daily 
papers  to-morrow." 

"You  are  right,"  said  General  Armington,  and  this 
seemed  to  pacify  the  entire  company  present,  and  Nancy 
Clover  was  conducted  to  Moyamensing  Prison  and  closely 
locked  up. 

The  newspapers  had  a  correct  statement  of  what  had  oc- 
curred largely  displayed  in  their  local  columns,  and  the 
reformatory  journals  had  made  scathing  editorial  remarks, 
wliilst  the  orthodox  "  press  "  simply  published  the  local 
report,  as  handed  to  them  by  the  Natiu'alists. 

The  spirit  of  furious  war  was  now  infesting  the  atmos- 
phere, and  large  groups  of  all  sorts  of  people  were  found 
to  congregate  in  the  streets,  who  discussed  botli  sides  of 
the  question ;  a  few  made  reckless  remarks  to  the  effect 
that  "it  served  him  right,"  meaning  Dr.  Juno,  which 
were  immediately  resented  by  fist,  knock-down  arguments, 
which  made  the  sympathizers  with  the  conspirators  rather 
more  cautious  in  their  public  expressions, 

Tlie  followers  and  friends  of  the  bloody  conspirators, 
who  had  been  domineering  for  many  centuries,  and  claimed 
licence  almost  from  heaven  to  usurp  every  power  on  earth, 
were  sorely  chagrined  at  the  onslaught  that  was  being  made 
upon  their  kind  in  successive  successful  attacks,  that  they 
now  came  to  a  sense  of  positive  danger  to  their  whole  fabric 
of  sectarianism,  hence  they  were  being  unanimously  aroused 
throughout  the  country.  Telegrams  were  sent  all  over  the 
States,  re(iuesting  the  equipment  of  the  saints,  politicians 
and  worldlings  who  agreed  with  orthodox  and  unphysio- 


THE    CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVERS.  305 

logical  customs  and  doctrines,  which  was  the  only  i);uiacea 
for  the  subjugation  of  the  poor,  the  working  trash,  Avho 
were  led  on  by  this  Victor  Juno,  and  who  were  infatuated 
with  the  teachings  that  this  bold  innovator  presented  to  the 
masses. 

"When  the  "  bone  and  sinew  "  of  the  land — the  sovereign 
people — saw  that  the  bigoted  sectarian  and  rotten  political 
spirit  was  running  rampant,  they,  too,  laid  their  heads  to- 
gether ;  and  the  various  secret  societies  throughout  the 
United  States  held  special  business  meetings,  where  all  the 
arrangements  for  a  civil  war  Avere  made,  without  a  single 
sectarian  or  politician  knowing  anything  about  it ;  hence 
the  conspirators  all  over  the  land  were  of  the  opinion  that 
when  they  once  commenced  to  resist  the  Naturalists  by  war 
the  latter  would  be  soon  subdued  and  forever  silenced  ! 
But  alas  !  what  a  great  mistake  this  presumption  of  the 
"  elect  "  proved  to  be  ! 

CHAPTER  LXXVI. 

DR.  JUNO  AND  LUCINDA  ARMINGTON  MAKING  LOVE. 


^pEAE,  precious  Victor,  although  our  nuptials  were 
interrupted  last  night,  and  your  dear  life  Avas  in 
great  danger,  but,  as  the  old  saying  is,  '  a  miss  is 
as  good  as  a  mile,'  I  am  so  thankful  to  God  that 
your  great  and  noble  heart  was  missed, 

"If  we  had  no  trials  and  deprivations  we  might  not  ap- 
preciate the  gifts  of  heaven  as  much  as  you  and  I  do  under 
the  various  perilous  circumstances  through  which  we  have 
passed.  Don't  you  think  so  V "  said  Lucinda,  with  her 
heaven-blue  eyes  full  of  animated  love  and  fire. 

"My  darling  angel,  in  one  sense  you  are  right,  but  in 
another  wrong,"  replied  Victor  ;  "  for  instance,  if  Ave  Avere 
l)erfect,  entirely  perfect  Naturalists,  and  AA'ere  surrounded 
by  similar  creatures,  it  Avould  not  enhance  our  joy  to  be 
persecuted,  tortured  and  libelled  ;  but  as  long  as  we  are  far 
20 


306  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

from  being  perfect  Xaturalists,  and  are  neither  surrounded 
by  such,  we  have  not  the  capacity  of  appreciating  God's 
last  and  noblest  piece  of  mechanism,  without  being  stimu- 
lated by  the  imdulations  in  life's  great  battle. 

"■  Therefore,  precious  Lucinda,  Ave  sinful  creatures  are 
benefited  by  great  contrasts  ;  but  if  we  really  were  the  pu- 
rified 'temples  of  God'  we  would  love  Ilim  with  all  our 
strengtli,  and  one  another  as  ourselves,  which  was  the  hal- 
lowed rule  that  the  blessed,  loving  and  beloved  Xaturalist 
— Jesus  Christ — laid  down  for  us  !  Love,  immaculate  love, 
unalloyed  by  self,  should  be  the  only  law  that  real  Xatu- 
ralists or  Cliristians  should  learn  to  luiderstand,  jjossess 
and  obey ;  but  as  the  means  are  not  used  to  gain  this  end, 
we  as  a  nation  can  never  fully  appreciate  God's  goodness 
toward  the  highest  type  of  His  mechanism." 

"  But,  dear  Victor,  do  j'oa  not  love  me  more  than  a  per- 
fect Naturalist  would  '  love  his  neighbor,'  as  Jesus  says  V  " 
asked  she. 

"Do  you  suppose,  my  most  precious  darling,  that  I  could 
love  you  more  than,  or  even  as  much,  as  Christ  loved  the 
world  ?  Not  that  He  loved  the  evil  ways  of  sinners,  but  He 
loved  sinners,  because  they  Avere  part  and  ])arcel  of  the 
Creator ;  and  although  lie  denounced  the  selfish,  .self-right- 
eous, self-willed  and  haughty  viper,  Avho  had  only  a  wliit  of 
God's  vitality  in  him,  Christ  did  not  turn  away  from  those 
who  were  born  and  bred  under  morbid  circumstances, 
visiting  thereby  upon  the  himian  species,  weaknesses  over 
which  they  had  no  control. 

"  By  looking  over  all  the  teachings,  acts  and  life  of 
Christ,  you  will  behold  what  powerful  love  He  possessed  for 
the  passive  sinner,  for  the  sinner  who  was  penitent,  who 
Avas  willing  to  learn  and  li\'e  out  God's  fixed  laws,  and  by 
loA'e  (as  AA'e  claim  to  heed  the  many  admonitions  that  God 
alone  is  just),  we  can  appreciate  His  highest  law  the  more, 
namely,  '  Love.'    Do  you  not  think  so  ? " 

"  Indeed,  indeed  I  do,  and  I  loA'^e  you  so  much  more  when 
I  see  that  your  noble  mind  is  fairly  wrapt  up  in  the  great 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  307 

science  of  human  life,  and  in  the  herculean  effort  of  per- 
petuating it  everlastingly.  What  a  crown  you  will  have 
laid  up  in  heaven  for  yourself  by  this  noble  and  godlike 
work  in  which  you  have  been  engaged  all  your  life,  through 
calm  and  storm,  in  spite  of  opposition,  persecution  and 
martyrdom  ! 

"•  Who,  that  possessed  any  good  sense,  could  fail  to  love 
you,  to  almost  revere  and  idolize  you,  as  I  do  ?  "  ejaculated 
Lucinda,  with  a  serenity  of  expression  that  almost  excelled 
the  archangels. 

"  I  devoutly  praise  the  Lord  for  your  appreciation  of  my 
love,  which  you  have  so  tenderly,  earnestly,  ardently  and 
innocently  expressed.  It  vitalizes  every  fibre  that  has 
been  wounded  by  that  assassin,  and  it  makes  me  almost 
love  the  hand  that  brought  me  to  this  sick-bed,  where  I 
have  learned  to  love  whatever  partakes  of  God's  vitality," 
said  Victor. 

"  O  Victor  !  most  glorious  Victor !  I  cannot  help  realiz- 
ing that  you  possess  a  Christ-like  heart,"  interposed  she 
"for  you  would  pardon  this  person,  I  believe,  who  has 
within  a  hair's  breadth  taken  your  precious  life,  if  she 
would  ask  for  forgiveness. " 

"  She  !  "  said  he ;  "what  do  you  mean  by  '  she  V '  It  is 
not  possible  that  a  woman  fired  that  bullet  at  me  ?  " 

"Yes,  dearest  love,  it  was  a  woman,"  responded  she. 

"God  forgive  the  woman,"  sighed  he. 

"I  am  not  so  sure  that  He  will  forgive  her,  imless  she 
changes  her  course  of  conduct,"  responded  Lucinda. 

"  Who  was  she  ?    What  is  her  name  V  "  asked  he. 

"It  was  Miss  Nancy  Clover,"  said  she. 

"Nancy  Clover  !  "  ejaculated  he. 

"Yes  ;  that  fiend,"  said  Lucinda. 

"Well,  well;  these  bloody  conspirators  are  becoming 
desperate,"  said  he;  "but  let  las  not  discuss  disagreeable 
things,  but  let  me  tell  you  of  my  love  for  you,  my  saint."' 

"  Oh,  do  ;  exquisite  Victor,"  interposed  she. 

"  I  love  you  with  a  love  that  passes  not  away  with  man's 


308  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

passion  ;  but  a  love  that  is  registered  in  tlie  book  of  life ; 
a  treasure  in  heaven,  where  my  heart  is  also  ;  hence,  it  can 
never  fail,  can  never  lose  its  ardor  ;  and  when  once  legiti- 
mately centered  upon  the  normal  propensities,  I  hoi)e  will 
magnetize  the  physical  organism  to  perfection,  that  will 
cause  tlie  elements  of  human  life  to  flow  with  the  extremest 
mental  joys  and  physical  pleasures,  in  the  consummation 
of  the  command  to  '  increase  and  multiply,'  in  tlie  blessed 
'Image  of  God.'  " 

"  Darling,  you  speak  beautifully  ;  but  I  cannot  say  that 
I  comprehend  you  exactly,"  modestly  exclaimed  she. 

"  Oh,  never  mind  ;  you  will  understand  all  in  due  time, 
and  be  blessed,  I  think,  with  those  blessed  gifts  of  which 
Christ  says  :  ''For  of  sucJi  is  the  kingdom  of  heaven^''  "  said 
Victor,  when  she  laid  her  head  on  his  breast,  and  their 
souls  bled  with  joy. 

These  lovers  were  continually  together  until  Dr.  Juno 
was  able  to  go  about  his  business.  They  postponed  their 
wedding  day  for  a  month,  and  in  the  meantime  were  in 
good  spirits  ;  but  Miss  Armington  was  convinced  in  her 
own  mind  that  war  would  break  out  before  their  wedding 
day  would  arrive,  when  a  further  postponement  would  be 
necessary. 

She  did  not  look  upon  the  dark  side  of  the  picture; 
neither  did  she  desire  to  put  gloomy  feelings  before  the 
mhid  of  her  beloved  Victor,  who  needed  encouragement 
just  then  to  assist  his  cure  ;  but  she  saw  war,£ruel,  terrible 
war  ;  a  civil  war  which  would  subjugate  the  sovereign  peo- 
])le  of  America,  and  give  the  spirit  of  selfishness  and  anti- 
Christ  sole  control  of  Church  and  State, 


THE  CXDXSPIRATOES  AND   LOVERS.  309 


CHAPTEK  LXXVII. 

CONGRESS  MOBBED  FOR  RECOGNIZING  GOD  IN  THE 
CONSTITUTION. 

|HEN  the  religious  people  found  that  Miss  Xancy 
Clover  was  cast  into  prison,  they  went  unani- 
mously to  work  to  have  her  freed  on  bail ;  and 
as  Dr.  Juno  improved  very  rapidly,  having 
actually  not  at  any  time  been  in  danger  of  losing  his  life 
by  the  pistol  wound,  on  account  of  having  had  too  healthy 
blood  and  solid  bodily  tissues,  therefore  nothing  but  the 
penetration  of  a  vital  organ  could  have  caused  his  deatli, 
she  was  allowed  to  enter  twenty  thousand  dollars  security 
for  her  appearance  at  Court ;  and  when  she  was  again  at 
liberty,  she  created  a  terrific  stir  throughout  the  orthodox 
community  ;  hence,  a  feeler  was  thrown  out  by  the  saints. 

They  petitioned  the  United  States  Congress,  which  was 
in  session,  in  the  strongest  terms,  demanding  that  God 
should  be  recognized  in  the  Constitution  of  the  United 
States.  The  following  Avere  the  leading  points,  which 
fairly  broke  the  camel's  back  : 

"  We,  the  evangelical,  religious  denominations  of  the 

United  States,  hereby  petition  to  the  sixty Congress 

to  enact  a  law  whereby  the  Constitution  of  the  United 
States  be  instantly  amended,  as  follows  : 

"  Whereas,  Numerous  blasphemous  and  Sabbath- 
breaking  organizations  ai'e  regularly  holding  secret  meet- 
ings, throughout  the  country,  for  the  purpose  of  desecrat- 
ing the  Lord's  Day,  and  subverting  the  holy  religion  of  the 
Lord  Jesus  Christ,  and, 

"  Whereas,  A  certain  innovator  has  violated  tlie  most 
sacred  institutions  and  holy  rights  of  God's  elect,  by  riot 
and  bloodshed,  and, 

"Whereas.  This  outlaw  threatens  to  mob  the  holy 
saints,  and  is  already  so  great  a  terror  to  the  nation  that 


310  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OH, 

public  officials  everywhere  dare  not  enforce  the  laws 
against  him  ;  therefore,  be  it 

'■'■  Eesolved,  That  tlie  holy  religion  of  the  Lord  Jesus 
Christ  be  acknowledged  in  the  Constitution  of  the  United 
States,  and  it  is  hereby  enacted  and  ratified  by  the  majority 
of  the  members  in  Congress  assembled,  that, 

"  Firstly — No  one  shall  be  allowed  to  preach  the  Gos- 
pel of  Christ  who  has  not  been  regularly  ordained  in  some 
orthodox  evangelical  denomination  ;  and, 

"Secoxdly — That  no  ordained  preacher  shall  be  al- 
lowed to  preach,  as  a  minister  of  the  Gospel,  or  perform 
similar  functions,  who  is  not  in  good  standing  in  a  regular 
evangelical  church  organization  ;  and, 

"  Thirdly — That  the  Sabbath  day  shall  be  kept  as  the 
Lord's  day,  in  which  no  secular  or  worldly  work,  business 
or  recreation  shall  be  allowed  to  be  performed  ;  and, 

"  Fourthly — That  every  citizen  shall  attend  once  on 
each  Lord's  day  (unless  too  ill  to  go)  some  evangelical 
church  that  is  in  good  standing  ;  and, 

"Fifthly — That  each  and  every  evangelical  denomi- 
nation shall  have  to  undergo,  annually,  an  examination  by 
a  Board  of  Censors ;  which  '■Board  of  Censors  '  shall  be  com- 
posed of  one  or  more  of  the  leading  officers  (bishop,  priest, 
elder,  deacon,  etc.,)  of  each  evangelical  denomination  ; 
and, 

"  Sixthly — That  all  children,  as  soon  as  old  enough  to 
understand  their  paternal  dialect,  shall  eacli  Sabbath  day 
attend  some  evangelical  Sabbath  school,  where  the  Holy 
Bible  is  read  and  tauglit ;  and, 

"Seventhly — Tliat  all  other  worship,  claiming  to  be 
religion,  shall  be  suppressed,  and  its  leaders  shall  be  tried 
by  a  jury  of  twelve  evangelical  Christians,  who  are  of  good 
standing  in  some  evangelical  church  of  good  repiite  ;  and 
if  found  guilty  of  violating  one  or  all  of  said  ordinances 
herein  expressed,  shall  suffer  the  penalty  of  death  by  hang- 
ing ;  and, 

"  Eigjithly— That   this    Amendment   shall   instantly 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  311 

take  effect,  and  that  each  informer  on  an  innovator  and 
violator  of  said  Constitutional  Amendment  shall  receive 
from  the  treasury  of  the  United  States  as  reward  one 
thousand  dollars,  one  half  of  which  he  shall  donate  to  the 
church  of  which  he  is  a  member,  and  the  same  shall  be  so 
recorded  on  the  church  book,  and  shall  be  accounted,  '  Re- 
ward laid  up  in  heaven.''  " 

The  foregoing  Amendment  scheme  was  a  "feeler," 
which  met  with  favor  at  the  capital  of  the  United  States, 
where  inksucking  scoundrels  had  two-thirds  of  a  majority, 
and  who  were  ready  for  anything  that  placed  filthy  lucre 
into  their  pockets  ;  this  the  evangelical  amendors  knew  ; 
hence  instantly  raised  one  hundred  millions  of  dollars, 
which  was  divided  between  the  lucre-seeking  Legislators, 
and  which  gave  the  sovereign  working  people  (who  were 
taxed  in  the  long  run  for  every  cent  of  this  money)  a 
loathing  for  the  whole  batch  of  usurpers  and  cut-throats  ; 
and  as  soon  as  the  Amendment  w^as  announced  as  having 
passed,  an  army  of  Xaturalists  were  found  surrounding 
the  capitol  at  AVashington,  D.  C,  who  opened  a  terrific 
fire,  with  shot  and  shell,  upon  the  building  wherein  Con- 
gress sat,  which  caused  the  bribed  scoundrels  to  scatter, 
some  endeavoring  to  escape  through  the  lines  of  the  sol- 
diers, who  were  shot  down  like  brutes,  whilst  others  hid 
in  the  cellar,  in  niches  and  corners  of  tlie  great  marble 
■structure  ;  but  all  tliis  availed  them  nothing,  because  every 
man  who  voted  for  the  Amendment  was  killed  in  less  than 
ten  hours. 

The  President  telegraphed  to  the  Governor  of  each  State 
to  send  on  all  the  militia  that  could  be  mustered,  as  a 
furious  war  had  commenced,  which  required  every  avail- 
al)le  means  to  subdue  ;  but  only  three  Governors  responded 
to  this  call. 


312  THE   SOCIAl.    WAIi   OF    1900;    OR, 

CHAPTEE  LXXVIII. 

DR.  JUNO'S  FIRST  GREAT  WAR  PROCLAMATION. 

HEN  the  newspapers  all  over  the  Union  had 
published  this  unconstitutional  Amendment,  it 
aroused  the  masses  amazingly ;  even  those  who 
formerly  had  no  sympathy  with  Dr.  Juno,  nor 
love  for  his  doctrines,  now  freely  investigated  his  teach- 
ings, and  almost  like  magic  he  became  the  accepted  heroic 
reformer  of  the  close  of  the  nineteenth  century. 

In  fact,  the  orthodox  "  public  press"  all  over  the  country 
disapproved  the  course  which  Congress  had  taken  ;  because 
this  usurpation  came  too  close  home  to  many,  who  were 
willing  to  ride  on  the  backs  of  sectarians  and  politicians, 
so  long  as  it  paid  them  and  their  precious  rights  were 
not  too  closely  clipped ;  but  this  Amendment  their  own 
"Scribes"  stigmatized  as  "a  dangerous  usurpation,  that 
cannot  be  tolerated  in  this  nation  !  " 

This  was  throwing  fuel  upon  Dr.  Juno's  hearth,  and  he 
was  wise  enough  to  see  it,  and  made  capital  of  it  by  issu- 
ing the  following : 

PR0CLA3IATI0N. 

"Fellow  Citizens  : — From  the  condition  of  things  in 
general,  I  am  constrained  to  issue  this,  my  firsts  Proclama- 
tion to  the  people  of  the  United  States  of  America. 

"Firstly— I  ask  each  one,  male  and  female,  of  all 
colors  and  nations,  who  reside  within  the  jurisdiction  of 
the  United  States,  to  join  the  Naturalists,  who  inculcate 
the  observance  of  all  natural  laws,  and  have  but  one  faith, 
one  God,  and  are  members  of  one  family,  whose  highest  law 
is  love  to  God  and  man,  whose  aim  is  happiness,  whose  end 
is  universal  salvation  by  a  return  to,  and  obedience  of,  the 
Creator's  fixed  natural  injunctions. 

"  Secondly— I  offer  protection  to  all  people  who  are 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  313 

opposed  to  the  power  that  money  and  lucre-gained  positions 
wield  ;  who  are  opposed  to  sectarian  and  political  cliques 
and  rings,  that  have  recently  shown  to  the  world,  by  a 
Constitutional  Amendment,  what  I  have  always  said  they 
would  do,  if  permitted  ;  and  you,  the  sovereign  people, 
'  the  bone  and  sinew '  of  America,  have,  by  your  unconcerned 
silence  and  forbearance,  given  them  permission  to  place 
scoundrels  into  all  the  high  positions  in  Church  and  State, 
which  was  giving  them  the  power  to  cut  down  your 
'  Inalienable  rights  to  serve  God  according  to  the  dictates 
of  conscience,'  and  to  keep  science  from  the  field  of  human 
life. 

"Thirdly— I  also  offer  succor  to  all  the  people  who 
will,  in  this  hour  of  war,  aid  us  in  slaying  and  subjugating 
these  criminals,  who  have  stolen  the  livery  of  heaven  to 
serve  the  devil  in,  no  matter  wiiether  such  people  are  Jews, 
Gentiles,  Protestants,  Catholics  or  Worldlings ;  and  if, 
after  they  are  vanquished,  and  peace  is  declared,  the  said 
Jews,  Gentiles,  Protestants,  Catliolics  or  Worldlings  can- 
not conscientiously  join  the  Naturalists,  they  shall  not  be 
molested  in  thinking  and  acting  as  they  choose,  so  long  as 
they  do  7iot  become  a  nuisance,  an  injury  and  meddlers  in 
our  affairs. 

"Fourthly — I  proclaim  that  no  more  dishonest  men 
or  women  shall  hold  any  office  in  the  United  States  so  long 
as  I  have  influence  enough  to  prevent  it ;  but  I  claim  that 
if  my  doctrines  (as  laid  down  in  the  forty-second  chapter 
of  this  truthful  novel),  were  observed,  by  making  an  amend- 
ment to  the  Constitution  of  the  United  States  that  no  man 
shall  become  a  millionaire  whilst  thereby  hundreds  are 
made  paupers,  dislionest  ofRcials  would  naturally  become 
obsolete  ;  wlien  a  healthier  state  of  affairs  would  reign,  and 
plenty  of  time  would  be  afforded  every  one  to  devote  him- 
self and  herself  to  pleasant  and  rational  enjoyment,  which 
would  make  earth  heavenly,  a  thing  that  these  vipers  and 
constitutional  usurpers  would  deprive  every  person  from 
doiuET,  by  their  selfish  anti-Christ  and  anti-natural  dic- 
tations. 


314  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"  FrFTiTLY — I  would  kindly  hint  that  there  is  now  left 
only  one  of  two  things :  first,  join  us  in  conquering  the 
usurpers  and  bloody  conspirators,  and  remain  free  to  serve 
God  according  to  the  dictation  of  conscience  ;  or,  second, 
remain  passive  or  neutral  in  this  conflict,  and  thereby, 
without  action,  aid  those  who  would  rob  us  all  of  our 
property,  of  our  natural  rights,  of  our  salvation,  and  call 
it  the  piety  of  the  '•elect,''  from  which,  great  Lord,  deliver 
us  ! 

"I  appeal,  in  conclusion,  to  all  the  people,  to  seriously 
pause  before  they  cast  their  lot  with  the  destroyers  of  every 
liberty  and  comfort  that  God  and  a  sound  physiology  have 
vouchsafed  xuito  every  human  soul.  I  pray,  all  the  people, 
for  their  children's  and  grandcliildren's  sake  ;  and  for  the 
sake  of  God  and  the  angels,  to  assist  us  in  subjugating  our 
enemies  ;  when  war,  rumors  of  war,  famine,  pestilence  and 
hard  times  would  come  no  more  ;  when  all  sorts  of  slavery, 
all  sorts  of  selfishness,  usurpation  and  anarchy  would  take 
wings  and  fly  to  the  infernal  realms  of  damnation  ! 

f'-^ — 'I     "In  the  name  of  God  and  man,  I  hereunto  set 

1- — ^i^my  hand  and  seal,  this day  of ,  1900. 

"Victor  Juno.'" 

It  was  astonishing  to  see  the  effect  this  proclamation 
had  upon  the  masses  of  the  people.  And  it  was  still  more 
astounding  to  see  that  every  newspaper,  daily,  weekly  and 
monthly,  published  it.  Some  of  the  most  bitter  orthodox 
papers  published  it  as  a  presumptuous  and  wrath-exciting 
document,  lioping  by  so  doing  they  would  rile  and  arouse 
the  people  in  tlieir  favor  ;  M'hilst  others  inserted  it,  for  fear 
its  omission  might  create  an  onslaught  upon  them.  Many 
of  these  people,  y)harisee-like— <J  la  Rev.  Joe  Pier — were 
af rnid  to  die  in  their  hardened  sectarian  sinfulness  ;  there- 
fore tliey  would  do,  on  such  occasions,  as  they  were  taught, 
by  precept  and  example,  by  their  blind  leaders  to  do  all  their 
lives,  namely :  act  the  hypocrite.  If  they  were  experts  in 
nothii>g  else,  they  were  m  hypocrisy.  A  poor  wind  tliat 
does  not  blow  some  one  good,  is  an  old  saying,  and  I  might 


THE  CONSPIRATOKS   AND    LOVERS.  315 

apply  it  to  the  traitors  of  all  countries  and  nations,  who 
betrayed  either  party  for  gain  of  some  kind,  and  to  gain 
an  extended  lease  of  life  was  a  sweet  balm  of  Gilead  to 
treacherous  cowards,  knaves  and  hypocrites ! 


CHAPTER  LXXIX. 

DR.  JUNO'S  TERRIBLE  ARMY  ORDERS. 

jjOW,  cruel  war  was  fairly  in  operation  when  the 
wedding  day  of  Victor  and  Lucinda  had  to  be 
again  postponed,  as  Dr.  Victor  Juno  was  the 
Chief  General,  and  in  fact  Father  of  the  Natu- 
ralists, who  instituted  this  revolution  that  now  called  him 
into  the  field  of  terror. 

General  Washington  Armington,  who  was  a  powerful 
and  eminently  popular  tactician,  having  earned  a  world 
renowned  fame  in  the  War  of  Mexico  and  in  the  more  re- 
cent Rebellion  with  the  Southern  Confederacy,  was  second 
in  command  to  Dr.  Juno  ;  and  as  the  former  was  the  in- 
tended father-in-law  of  the"  latter,  they  were  sworn 
friends,  who  wielded  a  talismanic  influence  at  home,  where 
they  were  best  kno'^Ti. 

Harry  Gossimer — the  was-to-be  drowned  conspirator — 
who  labored  in  the  West  under  an  assumed  name  (but  for 
convenience'  sake  we  call  him  by  his  own  name — General 
Harry  Gossimer),  led  a  Western  army  into  Washington, 
wliere  the  war  was  commenced,  and  generaled  that  suc- 
cessful attack  upon  the  bribed  and  cowardly  Congressmen ; 
but  who  was  driven  speedily  westward  by  the  militia,  wlio 
obeyed  the  President's  call. 

Dr.  Juno  now  took  the  field,  and  moved  instantly  in  the 
rear  of  the  conspirators'  army  that  drove  General  Gossi- 
mer westward,  and  on  reaching  the  country  through 
Avhich  the  armies  liad  passed.  Dr.  Juno  issued  the  fol- 
lowing : 


316  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OP    1900;    OR, 

Army  Order  Number  One  of  the  Xatuualists. 

"To  the  Sovereign^  God-fearing  and  loving  People  I  issue  this 
Order,  with  a  determination  to  carry  it  out  to  the  letter : 

"  First— All  persons  who  aid  the  army  of  the  conspira- 
tors shall  be  considered  as  the  allies  of  the  enemies  of  the 
working  people. 

''  Second— All  the  enemies  to  the  working  classes  and 
Naturalists  shall  be  shot,  unless  they  were  forced  to  take 
up  arms,  and,  when  taken  prisoners,  must  at  once  be 
sworn  into  the  army  of  the  Naturalists,  and  ent-er  their 
ranks,  or  be  shot  on  the  spot. 

"Third— The  sick  and  wounded  of  the  enemy  shall  be 
humanely  cared  for  until  well  enough  to  take  our  oath  of 
allegiance  ;  and,  when  sufficiently  recovered,  shall  take  the 
field  against  the  conspirators,  or  be  shot. 

"  FouKTH — No  distinction  shall  be  made  between  the 
sexes,  so  far  as  our  enemies  are  concerned  ;  but  little  chil- 
dren alone  shall  be  kindly  and  tenderly  guarded  and  pro- 
tected, no  matter  who  are  the  parents,  for  they  have  had 
no  choice  in  the  conflict,  have  no  voice ;  hence,  must  be 
cared  for  ;  this  is  pex'emptory.  Females  are  not  compelled 
to  take  up  arms,  but  they  must  take  positive  sides,  and  be 
treated  as  friends  or  enemies  ;  and  if  enemies,  must  be 
shot  the  same  as  men  for  their  disloyalty  to  the  natural 
cause  of  the  producers. 

"  Fifth — This  war  was  not  our  production,  but  we  were 
compelled  to  strike  for  God  and  mankind,  or  suffer  the 
devil  to  swallow  us  and  our  descendants  up  in  victory ; 
therefore,  we  are  in  favor  of  being  as  cruel  as  we  can  be  to 
our  enemies,  for  the  purpose  of  giving  them  the  sooner  a 
surfeit  of  rebellion  to  God  and  mankind. 

"Sixth — AVe  await  with  open  arms  the  return  of  the 
prodigals,  or  we  shall  wave  the  black  flag  over  their  heads. 
"War  knows  nothing  but  cruelty  and  death  to  the  foe  ;  and 
on  these  principles  has  this  strife  been  inaugurated  by  the 
bloody  conspirators,  and  on  the  same  platform  it  shall  be 
carried  on  and  ended. 


THE    COXSPIRATORS    AND    LOVEES.  317 

"  My  soldiers  will  promptly  execute  every  part  of  my 
first  proclamation,  and  this  my  first  army  order. 

"Given  at  Headquarters  of  the  Army  of  the  Natural- 
ists, this  sixth  day  of ,  19 — ,  by 

"Victor  Juno." 

"When  this  army  order  was  published,  many  said  that 
General  Juno  could  never  raise  an  army  under  such  disci- 
pline that  would  be  able  to  cope  with  the  army  of  the 
orthodox  people  ;  moreover,  that  thousands  would  not  join 
his  cause  that  would  have  done  so  had  he  accepted  the 
customary  course  that  is  pursued  in  time  of  war  ;  but 
Dr.  Juno  was  an  original  man,  and  knew  what  he  was 
doing. 

It  was  a  grand  mistake  on  the  part  of  the  sectarian  con- 
spirators to  flatter  themselves  that  any  such  cruelly  strin- 
gent orders  from  Dr.  Juno  would  prevent  him  from  having 
a  sufficiently  numerous  army  and  navy  to  enforce  his  com- 
mands ;  but  his  enemies  did  not  know  that  all  the  secret 
beneficial  societies  throughout  the  United  States,  and  even 
Canada,  were  a  unit  in  fighting  for  the  working  people's 
cause,  which  Dr.  Juno  espoused  ;  therefore,  when  the 
"•tyrant  " — Juno— as  he  was  called,  wanted  more  men,  all 
he  had  to  do  was  to  say  so,  and  on  all  occasions,  and  in 
every  part  of  the  country,  they  came  forth  equipped  and 
drilled  soldiers. 

This  amazed  the  orthodox  advocates,  whilst  it  frightened 
thousands  so  badly  that  they  esteemed  General  Juno  as  a 
man  of  talismanic  powers,  whose  will  and  orders  dared  not 
be  opposed  with  impunity ;  still,  the  orthodoxy  had  the 
most  money  ;  hence,  could  buy  enough  dnmken  and  dare- 
devil men  to  make  up  an  immensely  numerous  army  and 
■navy,  far  outnumbering  the  Naturalists'  soldiers  ;  but  the 
purchased  men  fought  for  gain,  and  not  for  principle,  and 
constituted  a  dissipated  and  drunken  army  and  navy,  whose 
leading  officers  often  were  dead  drunk  when  the  most  fierce 
battles  raged. 

On  the  other  hand,  General  Juno's  army  and  navy  was 


318  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

composed  of  men  who  fought  for  principle,  and  who  had 
been  the  "bone  and  sinew"  of  the  nation  from  their 
birth  ;  therefore,  the  following  : 

Akmy  Order  Number  Two  of  the  Naturalists. 

"  To  the  Soldiers  and  Marines  of  the  Naturalists  : — I  have 
simplj'to  say  that  they  shall  be  fed  on  the  best  fruits,  grains, 
vegetables  and  lean  herbivorous  meat  that  the  country  can 
afford.  Those  who  remain  at  home,  except  the  little  chil- 
dren, shall  live  on  the  poorest  food,  whilst  you  will  have 
the  very  best,  which  is  necessary  to  carry  you  through  the 
war  with  safety. 

''Water  and  pure  liquors  are  the  only  admissible  bever- 
ages, and  the  latter  shall  only  be  used  as  stimulants  and 
medicines  by  those  who  have  been  in  the  habit  of  the  vice 
of  stimulating.  The  physicians  will  see  who  needs  the 
pure  liquors. 

"  Clothing,  blankets  and  general  equipments  shall  also 
be  of  the  best  in  the  land  ;  but  no  fashionable  and  useless 
display  shall  be  tolerated. 

"  Tobacco,  spices,  drugs  and  other  delicacies  shall  not  be 
admissible  under  any  pretext ;  and  our  hygienic  medical 
and  surgical  treatment  will  furnish  better  remedies.  Every 
secret  beneficial  society  has  had  several  men  and  women 
educated  as  physicians  and  surgeons,  who  understand  the 
law  of  cure  or  law  of  growth ;  therefore,  our  soldiers  and 
marines  shall  be  killed  in  battle  only,  and  not  in  hospitals 
by  charlatans. 

"  By  treating  our  soldiers  and  marines  to  food  and  drink 
that  makes  nothing  but  pure  blood  and  solid  nerves,  flesh 
and  bones,  their  wounds  will  heal  like  magic  ;  hence,  we 
have  no  dead  weight  on  our  hands,  by  having  two-thirds 
of  them  in  hospitals ;  nor  will  we  have  any  prisoners  of 
war  to  guard  and  feed,  because  we  send  them  as  sworn  sol- 
diers into  our  ranks,  or  shoot  them  charitably,  ending  their 
lives  hastily. 

"  Given  at  headquarters  of  the  Army  of  the  Naturalists, 
this of ,  19—,  by  Victor  Juno." 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  319 

CHAPTER  LXXX. 

BETALIATORY  MEASURES  OF  THE  COXSPIRATORS'  ARMY. 

|HEX  the  army  and  navy  of  the  conspirators  be- 
came acquainted  with  the  black-flag  order  by 
Dr.  Juno,  they  appealed  to  their  officers  for  the 
privilege  of  retaliating,  by  not  giving  any  quar- 
ters to  the  Naturalists.  To  this  the  officers  did  not  object 
in  the  least,  but  were  rather  pleased  with  tlie  idea  of  sum- 
mary retaliation,  forgetting  that  such  a  course  of  licence 
to  a  drunken,  paid  and  dare-devil  army  of  men  was  a  dan- 
gerous pretext,  dangerous  to  their  own  safety,  and  the 
safety  of  their  own  people  ;  because  such  privileged  licence 
was  only  proper  with  men  who  fought  for  principle,  fought 
for  what  they  loved  and  knew  was  right. 

This  privilege  of  retaliation,  granted  to  an  army  and 
navy  of  men  tliat  were  not  interested  in  the  cause  for 
whicli  they  fought  for  lucre,  coidd  easily  be  turned  to  ad- 
vantage against  their  own  employers,  provided  insults 
were  offered  these  soldiers  and  marines,  or  if  a  ciiance  for 
greater  gain  of  money  could  be  obtained,  they  would  carry 
their  retaliative  measures  as  willingly  against  tlieir  own 
people  as  against  any  other;  and  as  these  hired  soldiers 
hated  tlie  rich  people,  who  had  always  made,  and  still 
make  mere  slaves  and  drudges  of  them,  it  was  a  great 
oversight  in  tlie  officers  of  the  orthodox  army  and  navy  to 
permit  retaliation. 

Dr.  Juno  having  been  a  man  of  extensive  foresight,  who 
fully  comprehended  human  nature  in  all  its  numerical 
])liases,  saw  all  these  things  in  advance  ;  hence,  was  pre- 
pared to  take  advantage  of  everything. 

He  told  his  men  that  their  enemies  should  surely  retali- 
ate, and  if  they  did  it  would  be  a  great  feather  in  his  cap, 
because  such  a  shiftless,  dissipated  and  unprincipled  set  of 
hireling  warriors,  as  they,  would  soon  ravish  their  wealthy 


320  THE   SOCIAL    WAU   OF    1900;    OR, 

masters  ;  yes,  rob  their  leaders,  slay  them,  and  seduce  their 
women,  in  retaliation  for  the  wealth  and  power  the  rich 
have  always  had  over  them. 

Xo  one  should  be  so  big  a  fool  as  to  think  that  the  poor, 
the  wretched,  and  even  the  most  debauched,  had  no  desire 
to  possess  large  amoimts  of  liltliy  lucre.  Tliese  were  the 
very  people  who  saw  the  most  value  in  the  dirty  stuff ; 
therefore,  they  felt  vindictive,  and  were  inclined  to  retali- 
ate on  their  employers  even  before  they  had  received  their 
bounty. 

They  looked  upon  the  war,  for  which  they  were  hired  to 
shoot  people,  as  a  popular  way  of  being  paid  for  murdering 
innocent  people  in  cold  blood  by  tlie  wholesale ;  hence,  a 
single-handed  murder,  in  all  time  to  come,  seemed  to  them 
a  trilling  offence,  as  compared  with  the  wholesale  butchery 
'  to  which  they  were  accessory. 

To  the  wise,  these  conclusions  are  scientific  ;  and  the 
prophecy  of  these  deductions  may  be  seen,  in  time  to  come, 
to  be  fulfilled  to  the  letter,  as  they  have  been  in  the  past. 
Dr.  Juno  had  all  his  officers  instructed,  before  the  war  was 
known  of,  in  all  the  important  points  that  would  be  neces- 
sary to  successfully  consummate  the  work  of  the  Reforma- 
tion.   He  said,  often,  to  his  disciples  : 

"  Beloved  Naturalists,  evils  must  often  be  exchanged  for 
evils,  when  false  prophets  and  blind  leaders  are  recognized  as 
the  sovereigns  of  a  nation  or  nations  ;  because  all  the  con- 
ditions surrounding  tlie  people  are,  under  this  state  of  af- 
fairs, unfavorable  to  the  purification  and  elevation  of  the 
race  ;  hence  even  the  best  men  and  women  of  such  a  nation 
are  creatures  of  morbid  cii'cumstances ;  therefore  cruel 
war,  to  speedily  wipe  out  self-righteous  and  domineering 
leaders  and  their  satellites,  would  be  a  charity,  altliough  a 
cruel  momentary  caustic  to  create  a  healthful  granulation 
of  a  malignant  indolent  sore,  which  requires  the  most  fiery 
escharotic  to  burn  out  the  virus  of  sucli  a  detrimental  dis- 
ease ! 

"  I  am  for  peace  and  good  will  to  man  ;  but  before  the 
calm  and  balm  of  peace  can  come  to  such  a  wicked,  God- 


THE   CONSPIRATOR.?    AND    LOVERS.  321 

forsaken,  lucre-worshipping  people,  as  this  generation  of 
the  bloody  conspirators  are,  we  must  thoroughly  purge  this 
terrestrial  globe  with  fire,  thunder  and  liglitning,  and  wash 
the  sins  of  hereditary  diathesis  from  amongst  the  propaga- 
tors of  future  generations  ! 

"The  quickest  way  to  do  this  the  easier  and  better  the 
results  ;  hence  an  internal  war  that  will  strike  terror  to  the 
hearts  of  the  self-righteous,  Bible-hardened  and  reckless 
transgressors  of  fixed  law,  will  be  the  only  specific  panacea 
for  the  thorough  eradication  of  our  national  consumption, 

"  This,  dear  Xaturalists,  is  my  apology  for  instituting  a 
rigorous  and  black-flag  war,  the  cruelty  and  terror  of  which 
was  never,  and  shall  never  be  known.  And  if  it  pleases 
God  that  /shall  be  the  greatest  sufferer  by  it— as  I  have 
always  suffered  by  adhering  to  these  teachings — I  am  very 
willing  to  hold  out  faithful  to  the  end,  and  thank  the  spirit 
that  moved  me  to  commence  and  consummate  this  work, 
which  I  am  fully  convinced  will  be  finished  by  you  if  I 
should  fall  in  the  first  battle  ;  therefore  strike  with  a  glow- 
ing heart,  and  strike  vehemently,  and  do  not  spare  a  foe 
any  more  than  God  Himself  would  save  an  impenitent  soul 
from  perdition  !    So  help  you  God  !  " 

With  such  teachings,  tactics  and  management  as  Dr, 
Juno  has  for  years  labored  to  instil  into  and  establish 
amongst  his  followers  there  was  sufilcient  magical  vitality 
and  heavenly  bounty  bestowed  upon  them  to  satiate  all 
with  a  never-ceasing  love  for  God  and  mankind!  Hence 
when  they  went  into  the  field  of  battle  with  a  hired  foe 
they  cared  nothing  for  such  retaliation  as  could  be  heaped 
upon  them. 

The  first  retaliation  that  transpired  fell  upon  the  inno- 
cent of  the  conspirators' own  flesh  and  blood,  which  demor- 
alized an  already  demoralized  and  debauched  army ; 
therefore,  twenty  of  these  soldiers  were  not  equal  to  one 
Naturalist !  This  was  proved  by  the  first  great  battle, 
which  was  fought  on  the  western  shores  of  the  State  of 
Virginia. 
21 


322  THE    SOCIAL    WAR    OF    1900;    OR, 

General  Gossimer  had  only  two  thousand  men  thoronglily 
equipped,  who  were  being  driven  by  an  orthodox  standin,? 
army  of  forty  tliousand  regular  soldiers,  whilst  Dr.  Juno 
pursued  the  pursuers  of  General  Gossjmer  with  only  live 
thousand  picked  Naturalists  ;  aud  when  Dr.  Juno's  brigade 
had  reached  the  pursuing  conspirators'  army,  he  ordered  an 
immediate  assault,  and  General  Armington  directed  the 
attack,  whilst  Dr.  Juno  ordered  General  Gossimer  to  turn 
upon  the  foe,  when  thirty  thousand  conspirators  fell  dead, 
besides  the  wounded;  but  only  six  hundred  Naturalists 
were  killed  and  wounded  ! 

General  Armington  took  the  balance  prisoners,  and  Dr. 
Juno  immediately  appeared  upon  the  ground  to  swear  into 
his  own  army  those  who  were  ready  to  side  with  the  Natu- 
ralists, and  those  who  refused  were  shot  dead  without 
compuuction  of  conscience  ! 


CHAPTER  LXXXI. 

CAPTURED  COXSPIRATORS  SHOT  DEAD. 

IJH.  JUXO  addressed  the  prisoners,  who  were  not 
too  badly  wounded  to  comprehend  him,  as  fol- 
lows : 

"  Fellow-Citizexs  and  Prisoners  :— We 
do  not  war  against  men  for  gain,  or  for  glory  of  men,  but 
for  the  rights  of  all  who  were  of  woman  born,  for  equal 
rights,  for  just  rights,  for  the  subjugation  of  those  who 
possess  more  than  their  share  of  this  world's  goods,  for  the 
subversion  of  those  who  pay  you  with  the  money  which  be- 
longs as  much  to  you  as  to  them  to  fight  for  them,  so  that 
they  can  continue  to  usurp  every  right  of  mankind,  and 
thereby  hold  you  in  bondage  to  their  heinous  tyranny  ! 

"But  we  are  here  as  your  friends,  the  friends  of  the 
whole  people,  who  are  willing  to  live  and  let  live  as  freely 
as  they  themselves  wish  to  live.    I  ask  you  to  join  us,  and 


THE    CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVERS.  323 

if  you  refuse  you  may  know  the  consequences.  Those  who 
desire  to  join  us  will  move  in  the  direction  of  our  soldiers." 

Room  was  made  for  the  prisoners  who  desired  to  join  the 
Naturalists  to  walk  within  the  lines  of  the  latter,  when  all 
passed  over  except  what  remained  of  two  regiments,  when 
Dr.  Juno  continued : 

"  Do  you,  who  remain  in  your  old  position,  desire  to  con- 
tinue rebellious  ?  I  will  give  you  thirty  minutes  to  con- 
sider the  question  of  either  joining  our  cause  and  our  army 
or  to  be  shot  dead  within  that  time  !  " 

"You  would  not  dare  to  shoot  us,"  ejaculated  a  half-in- 
toxicated and  impudent  colonel  of  one  of  the  regiments. 

"  Do  not  be  deceived,  my  misled  man,"  said  Dr.  Juno  ; 
"but  you  will  see  that  I  shall  do  that  very  thing." 

Dr.  Juno  now  administered  the  oath  of  allegiance  to 
those  who  were  willing  to  join  his  army.  The  following  is 
the  oath : 

"  '  You  do  solemnly  swear  that  you  will  join  the  army  and 
cause  of  the  Naturalists,  and  will  nevermore,  by  word  or 
deed,  aid  or  abet  the  orthodox  or  conspirators'  army  or 
navy ;  but  will  faithf  idly  obey  the  commanders  of  the 
Naturalists. '  All  those  of  you  who  are  willing  to  abide  by 
this  oath,  or  expect  to  be  shot  dead,  if  violating  it,  will 
signify  it  by  raising  their  left  hands  toward  heaven,  and 
placing  their  right  hands  upon  their  hearts." 

It  only  took  a  few  minutes  to  administer  this  oath  to  a 
whole  regiment,  on  account  of  being  able  to  administer  it 
to  them  all  at  once  ;  because  the  answering  it  with  their 
hands  gave  the  officers  a  chance  to  see  if  all  had  taken  it. 
When  Dr.  Juno  had  finished  this  task,  he  said  to  the  rebel- 
lious prisoners : 

"You  have  five  minutes  to  decide  between  death  and 
joining  our  army." 

Which  caused  about  two  dozen  more  to  take  the  oath ; 
and  when  they  had  done  so,  the  same  colonel  cried  out : 

"  Cowards  !  you  do  not  mean  to  fight  for  the  heretics  ;  I 
know  you  won't,  but  you  are  scared  by  the  high-flowing 


324  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

language  of  this  braggadocio  ;  he  dare  not  shoot  us,  and 
he  knows  it." 

"  Your  time  for  repentance  has  expired  ;  your  hour  of 
grace  has  gone  by.  Soldiers,  prepare  to  lire,"  liere  a  regi- 
ment of  Naturalists  formed  into  line,  when  he  continued  : 
"Aim,  may  God  have  mercy  on  your  souls,  tire."  Bang! 
off  went  the  rifles,  and  about  one-half  fell  stone  dead,  when 
Dr.  Juno  repeated:  "Soldiers,  prepare  to  fire;  aim,  may 
God  have  mercy  on  your  souls,  fire  ! "  when  the  balance 
were  dispatched,  without  one  prisoner  failing  to  expire  at 
once,  except  the  impudent  colonel,  who  was  not  yet  aimed 
at.    "When  Dr.  Juno  saw  this,  he  said  : 

"  Providence  or  chance  has  saved  your  miserable  life, 
and  before  I  will  order  you  to  be  shot,  I  will  permit  you  to 
say  what  you  now  think  ;  whether  I '  dare  not  shoot '  you  V  " 

"Sir,"  quite  humbly  said  the  colonel,  who  seemed  fully 
sobered  by  this  time,  "you  are  a  brave  man  ;  and  if  you 
will  permit  me,  at  this  late  hour,  I  will  cheerfully  fight 
desperately  under  so  heroic  a  commander  as  yourself.  I 
pray  you,  accept  my  offer." 

"Certainly,  sir,"  responded  Dr.  Juno  ;  "come  and  take 
the  oath,  and  you  may  be  of  great  service  to  us,  if  for 
nothing  else  but  to  warn  others,  who  in  the  future  may  be 
of  your  opinion.  I  do  not  desire  to  shoot  men  in  this  or 
any  other  manner  ;  but  war  means  surrender  to  the  strong- 
est or  death,  and  this  is  the  only  way  to  strengthen  and 
make  an  army  victorious." 

"If  I  may  be  so  bold  as  to  ask,  are  you  not  afraid  that 
these  compulsory  deserters  might  turn  upon  you,  when  an 
opportunity  affords  ?  "  said  the  colonel. 

"Xot  at  all,"  smilingly  answered  Dr.  Juno;  "we  are 
guarded  against  that,  and  our  remedy  is  specific,  which 
you  may  see  some  day." 

"I  hope  so,  indeed,  since  I  have  become  a  Xatiiralist," 
said  the  colonel ;  "but  your  most  generous  and  sound  sense 
address  to  our  men,  previous  to  ordering  any  of  us  into 
your  ranks,  then  touched  my  better  nature  ;  still,  I  felt 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  325 

Ugly  toward  all  of  yoTi,  and  I  must  say  without  a  cause,  for 
I  am  already  convinced  that  your  motives  and  teachings 
are  misunderstood  by  the  great  majority  of  our  soldiers." 

"  May  God  open  the  eyes  of  all  before  one  more  drop  of 
blood  is  spilled,"  sadly  responded  Dr.  Juno. 

"Amen  !  "  came  from  hundreds  of  the  men,  and  some  of 
them  had  large  tears  in  their  eyes,  caused  by  the  sincere, 
earnest  and  impressive  manner  in  which  Juno  said  : 

"May  God  open  the  eyes  of  all  before  one  more  drop  of 
blood  is  spilled." 

Let  the  reader,  for  one  moment,  think  of  a  man  who 
had  suffered  for  nearly  half  a  century  the  most  barbarous 
martyrdom,  and  when  he  had  it  in  his  power  to  speedily 
annihilate  every  one  of  his  enemies  and  become  dictator, 
he  could  utter  the  foregoing  sentence  and  act  upon  it ! 

Was  this  not  enough  to  cause  the  spirit  of  Christ  to 
hover  around  the  hearts  of  all  who  saw  such  an  act  by 
man  ?  Could  anything  more  noble,  more  Christ-like,  more 
God-like  be  done  by  sinful  mortal  ?  And  could  any  heart 
be  so  stony  as  to  spurn  such  an  achievement  V 


CHAPTER  LXXXII. 

THE  RELIGIOUS  CONSPIRATORS  DUMBFOUNDED. 

jlHE  newspapers  all  over  the  country  published  the 
Proclamation  and  Army  Orders  of  Dr.  Juno, 
which,  however,  few  but  his  own  people  believed 
he  would  execute  ;  but  after  he  did  so  the  whole 
orthodox  world  was  dumbfounded ;  in  fact,  they  could  not 
believe  that  the  man  lived  wlio  would  assume  such  a  re- 
sponsibility as  to  inaugurate  such  black  deeds  as  shooting 
dead  prisoners  of  war !  But  such  was  the  case,  and  many 
of  the  public  journals  denounced  Juno  as  an  infamous  ty- 
rant and  dastardly  usurper,  whilst  the  liberal  "Press" 
approved  of  this  novel  but  effectual  warfare  ! 


326  THE   SOCIAL    AVAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

The  President  ordered  a  draft  to  be  made  for  five  hun- 
dred tliousund  men,  and  issued  a  prochimation  ordering 
the  guarding  of  every  arsenal  in  the  Union  ;  but  he  was  too 
late,  because  seven-eighths  of  them  had  already  been  in 
secret  possession  of  the  Naturalists,  and  by  the  time  the 
draft  was  fairly  begun,  over  nine  hiuidred  thousand  Natu- 
ralists were  in  the  field  equipped  with  the  military  trap- 
pings which  were  stored  in  said  United  States  arsenals  ; 
even  the  war  vessels  had  nearly  all  been  in  possession  of  the 
Naturalists,  which  was  a  dreadful  state  of  affairs ! 

There  was  but  one  thing  left  for  the  orthodox  people,  and 
that  was  to  offer  immense  bounties,  amounting  to  five  and 
six  thousand  dollars  for  good  able-bodied  soldiers,  who 
were  familiar  with  tactics,  and  half  as  much  for  green 
men  ;  this  was  sufficient  inducement  to  raise  an  immense 
army  and  navy,  the  President  having  by  this  time  made  an 
additional  call,  making  altogether  over  one  million  of 
men ! 

But,  alas  !  when  the  officials  of  the  government  that  was, 
— the  orthodoxy — went  to  the  various  arsenals  for  the  im- 
plements of  war,  great  Mars,  they  were  apparently  empty  ; 
the  muskets,  cannon  and  accoutrements  had  fled,  and  what 
to  do  with  this  immense  army  and  navy,  and  not  enough 
weapons  to  equip  one-half  of  them,  was  a  stunner  ! 

This  news  was  kept  as  secret  as  possible.  The  orthodoxy 
would  not  expose  it,  because  the  effect  w'ould  be  fatal  to 
their  cause  ;  and  the  Naturalists  would  never  divulge  their 
.secret  operations,  hoping,  however,  to  astonish  their  ene- 
mies when  the  crisis  of  war  would  come  ! 

There  Avere  many  excellent  generals  in  the  orthodox 
army,  who  were  on  the  field,  and  who  mustered  and 
marched  all  their  equipped  veterans  toward  the  main  army 
of  Dr.  Juno,  hoping  and  expecting  to  out-general  him  and, 
if  possible,  take  him  prisoner  and  shoot  him,  as  he  shot 
their  men. 

A  terrific  battle  was  fought  in  the  southern  part  of  Oliio, 
where  the  armv  of  the  Naturalists  lost  ten  thousand  men 


THE   COKSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  327 

in  one  day  in  killed  and  wounded,  which  made  things  look 
blue ;  but  in  less  than  twenty-four  hours  they  were  rein- 
forced secretly,  or  unexpectedly  to  the  orthodox  army, 
when  the  wheels  of  fortune  were  immediately  reversed,  and 
over  thirty  thousand  conspirators  fell  dead  in  six  hours, 
ten  thousand  prisoners  were  taken,  and  the  balance  of  them 
escaped  the  fire  and  wrath  of  Juno's  men. 

The  same  day  the  prisoners  were  again  challenged,  as 
before,  when  about  two-thirds  of  them  could  not  resist  Dr. 
Juno's  appeal,  nor  cared  to  be  summarily  sent  beyond  this 
shoal  of  tears  ;  the  persistent  and  rebellious  ones  were  shot 
dead,  except  four  orthodox  generals,  who,  of  course,  would 
not  join  the  N'aturalists,  and  they  felt  certain  Dr.  Juno 
would  not  shoot  them.  He  addressed  them  as  follows, 
after  he  had  the  balance  shot : 

"  Brave  soldiers  !  You  are  the  leaders  of  a  misled  and 
drunken  people  !  You  have  deserved  ten  deaths,  where 
these  poor  soldiers  that  have  just  fallen  at  our  hands  have 
scarcely  deserved  death.  But  my  way  of  carrying  on  war 
is  greatly  different  from  old  customs  and  usages,  and  all 
who  are  fools  enough  to  join  your  army  and  navy  cannot 
expect  any  better  than  death  if  caught  in  rebellion  against 
the  sovereign  people's  rights  ! 

"Although  you  deserve  instant  death,  I  will  still  not 
have  you  shot  until  such  time  as  I  find  it  necessary  for  my 
own  safety  to  shoot  you.  I  do  not  believe  in  policy  in  times 
of  peace,  but  in  the  terrible  hour  of  war  good  management 
points  me  out  the  plan  I  am  about  to  institute. 

"I  will  retain  you  as  hostages,  and  should  any  of  my 
generals  or  myself  ever  be  taken  as  prisoners  of  war  by 
your  people,  I  will  now  issue  my  order  that  if  we  are  shot, 
or  wliatever  ill  usage  we  shall  receive,  shall  instantly  be 
given  to  you  in  return.  If  you  have  anything  to  say,  now 
is  your  time  ;  I  make  it  a  rule  never  to  execute  or  imprison 
a  foe  without  giving  him  an  opportunity  to  fully  vindicate 
himself  by  words,  if  he  can  do  so,  and  I  hope  I  shall  in  all 
futiu'e  time  be  granted  the  same  privilege,  which,  how- 


a^»  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

ever,  your  people  have  denied  me  for  nearly  twenty-five 
years. 

"■  Yes,  they  have  closed  the  newspaper  columns  against 
me,  have  robbed  me  and  mine  of  every  right  that  God  and 
a  free  Republic  permit  their  subjects ;  and  since  you  and 
yours  have  started  the  war,  we  mean  to  finish  it  in  prime 
order.  Now,  I  shall  be  happy  to  hear  from  the  intelligent 
gentlemen  who  stand  before  me." 

''  Noble  sir,"  said  the  eldest  of  the  four,  "  we  have  never 
before  been  able  to  appreciate  your  excellent  character, 
and  although  you  have  always  done  business  in  an  original 
manner,  we  have  not  given  you  credit  for  being  so  great  a 
philosoplier  and  general  as  your  novel  tactics  prove  you  to 
be.  It  is  said  tliat  still  waters  run  deep,  and  I  have  been 
of  the  opinion,  a  month  ago,  that  you  could  not  raise  ten 
thousand  soldiers,  but  I  now  see  that,  whilst  you  seemed 
to  be  apparently  still  of  late  years,  you  have  been  running 
deep,  working  most  wisely  in  secret ;  and  although  I  am 
your  prisoner,  I  do  not  fear  that  any  insult  or  injustice 
shall  be  visited  upon  us,  whilst  your  hostages  ;  therefore 
we  shall  cheerfully  sulnnit  to  whatever  you  dictate." 

"You  flatter  me,"  responded  Dr.  Juno;  "but  whilst  I 
harbor  no  malice,  I  am  nevertheless  not  easily  gulled  by 
flattery.  But  I  may  never  find  it  in  my  power  to  repay 
the  debt  I  owe  the  leaders  of  the  orthodox  conspirators  ; 
still,  I  will  assure  you  that  yo^i,  will  never  harm  myself  or 
my  cause  any  more,  and  if  I  did  not  see  the  necessity  of 
using  a  little  policy  in  case  of  a  mishap,  I  would  shoot  you 
with  as  little  compunction  of  conscience  as  I  Avould  kill  a 
snake.  I  mean  this  kindly,  because  duty  cries  aloud  for 
such  kindness  to  the  little  ones  ;  and  as  long  as  the  ac- 
cursed doctrines  of  orthodoxy  rule,  human  souls  will  be 
sprung  into  existence  at  haphazard,  through  lust  and 
assumed  chastity,  whilst  the  land  will  be  flooded  with 
criminals  to  the  manner  born,  who  are  reai'ed  with  less 
science  and  care  than  farm  brutes  or  vermin." 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  329 

CHAPTER  LXXXIII. 

DR.  JUXO  "WRITES  TO  HIS  LUCIXDA. 

""OCTOR  JUISrO  ordered  that  it  should  be  kept  a 
secret  that  these  hostages — the  four  generals— 
-were  alive,  until  such  time  as  he  saw  fit  to  permit 
its  publication.    He  said  : 
"  Let  the  enemy  think  that  we  have  shot  them  as  Avell  as 
the  common  soldiers." 

He  now  wrote  the  following  letter  to  his  beloved 
Lucinda : 

"  Headquarters  of  the  Ar3iy  of  the  Xaturaltsts, 

'"'' December — ,  19 — . 

"My  Dearly  Beloved  Lucixda  : — I  have  great  cause 
to  thank  God  and  the  working  people  for  the  advancement 
of  our  cause,  I  have  just  taken  many  prisoners,  and 
amongst  them  four  of  the  greatest  generals  that  this 
country  can  produce.  I  did  not  shoot  the  latter,  but 
wisely  retained  them,  my  darling,  for  hostages ;  because 
I  may  some  day  fall  into  the  enemy's  hands ;  and  I  will 
here  say  that  I  expect  some  immense  fighting  shortly,  and 
wiiilst  I  have  it  kept  a  secret  that  I  have  not  shot  the 
generals,  I  wish  you  to  keep  posted  in  all  that  transpires  ; 
and  should  your  father,  myself,  or  other  Naturalists  be 
taken  prisoners,  I  desire  that  you  at  once  execute  the  plan 
that  I  have  left  to  your  hands  ;  and  should  they  kill  me, 
do  not  despair,  my  most  precious  darling,  but  carry  out 
my  will,  as  you  have  it  with  you.  The  Secret  Order  of 
I'l'aturalists  will  obey  you  to  the  letter  in  carrying  it  out. 

"I  do  not  wish  to  distress  you,  sweet  angel,  but  you 
know  I  am  amongst  the  army,  and  often  in  the  thick  of 
battle  ;  but  the  angels  guard  the  soul  of  man  who  proves 
faithful  to  God's  cause,  Sliould  I  never  see  you  more, 
which,  however,  I  liope  to  do,  be  assured  that  as  my  spirit 


330  THE   SOCIAL    WAR    OF    1900;    OR, 

livetli,  it  sliall  whisper  comfort  into  your  soul,  and  whcu 
you  come  liome,  wliere  ]);irting  shall  be  no  more,  we  "will 
luive  cause  to  praise  God  with  such  delight  that  the  su- 
premest  joys  .will  quicken  and  eternally  magnify  our  great 
love  for  Him  and  one  another. 

"  We  do  not  die  (but  simply  go  to  our  Father  who  is  in 
heaven)  when  the  spirit  leaves  this  mortal  coil ;  and  I  do 
not  fear  him  who  can  destroy  the  body,  but  cannot  harm 
soul  or  spirit ! 

''  I  dress  like  a  common  soldier  when  in  battle,  but  on 
other  occasions  I  wear  my  uniform  as  general.  I  am  well 
and  in  excellent  spirits.  Be  of  good  cheer,  and  give  my 
love  to  all  who  may  honor  me  sufficiently  to  enquire  after 
my  health  ;  and,  most  dear  angel,  keep  a  mountain  of  my 
warmest  gushing  affection  for  your  holy  self.  Farewx'll, 
and  may  heaven  smile  upon  us  all,  and  upon  our  enemies, 
and  upon  those  pariicularlT/  whom  I  am  compelled  to  send 
hence  so  speedily. 

' '  From  your  own  Faithful  Yictor.  " 


"  IIeadquakters  of  the  Ar3iy  of  the  Naturalists, 

'"'' January  — ,  19 — . 

"  My  Precious  Darling  : — I  hastily  take  my  pencil 
to  write  you  particulars  of  the  state  of  our  position,  and 
the  intention  of  the  enemy.  I  have  just  heard  from  three 
Naturalists,  who  are  in  the  consi)irators'  army,  and  whilst 
we  are  never  entrenching  ourselves  very  strongly,  we 
have  on  this  occasion  thrown  up  strong  breastworks  ;  but 
we  shall  to-morrow  morning,  at  six  o'clock  sharp,  go  for 
the  enemy,  and  your  father.  General  Gossimer  and  myself 
shall  be  in  the  heat  of  battle  until  Ave  win  the  day  or  die 
on  the  field. 

"  Our  three  spies  say  that  the  enemy  is  making  its  best 
effort  to  whip  us,  and  if  they  fail  this  time,  all  is  over  with 
them  ;  biit  if  they  win,  they  expect  to  retaliate  and  rcnit 
us,  and  speedily  end  the  war.  They  do  not  know^  what  we 
know  ;  do  they,  precious  dear  V    They  have  three  men  to 


THE   CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVEES.  331 

one  of  ours,  still,  that  is  nothing  ;  but  if  you  hear  that  we 
lose,  arouse  tlie  Naturalists  all  over  the  Union. 

''  Do  it  any  way,  as  soon  as  you  receive  this  letter.  The 
orthodox  army  is  awfully  demoralized,  and  many  of  their 
officers  are  fashionable  topers,  who  are  setting  a  bad  ex- 
ample to  their  men  ;  but  with  us  it  is  otherwise.  Consid- 
ering, then,  that  we  are  clear-headed,  and  they  nearly  all 
intoxicated,  who  can  doubt  what  the  result  will  be  ?  Still, 
we  may  lose  the  battle  ;  at  any  rate,  this  is  to  be  the  fiercest 
butchery  that  was  ever  fought  on  American  soil. 

''Arouse  the  Xaturalists,  and  fear  nothing,  my  sweet 
dear.  Trust  to  God  and  the  right,  and  all  will  be  Avell. 
Farewell,  darling. 

"I  remain  until  death,  your  own  Yictor." 


"  Teiires  Garden,  Jan.  9,  1900. 

"My  OWN  Dear  Victor  : — I  received  your  last  letter 
about  an  hour  ago,  and  whilst  I  am  no  coward,  still  I  am 
afraid  that  sooner  or  later  you  will  fall  into  the  enemies' 
hands,  when  they  will  slioot  you  in  retaliation. 

"  I  do  not  wish  to  lose  you,  and  live  myself.  Should  you 
be  killed,  I  promise  you  that  I  will  instantly  take  your 
place,  and  fight  to  the  death.  I  am  not  revengeful,  but  I 
am  sure  that  you  are  in  the  right ;  and  as  I  love  you,  equally 
so  do  I  love  the  cause  for  which  you  have  jeopardized  your 
precious  life  a  thousand  times ;  and  when  you  are  gone, 
what  have  I  to  love  or  live  for  but  that  which  you  loved, 
lived  and  died  for  ? 

"  The  orthodox  community  are  fairly  in  a  foam  about 
yom-  black-flag  proclamation,  and  its  execution  on  the  field 
of  conflict.  They  denounce  you  in  the  strongest  terms 
that  language  can  express,  and  if  they  were  not  afraid  of 
the  working  people  and  Naturalists,  they  would  set  a  re- 
ward of  millions  on  your  head, 

"  I  assure  you,  most  precious  Yictor,  that  I  am,  and 
have  continually  been,  arousing  the  Naturalists  in  an 
effectual  manner,  and  I  am  making  hundreds  of  converts 


332  THE   SOCIAL   "WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

to  our  cause  daily.  If  you  are  the  head  in  the  field  of  bat- 
tle, I  am  the  head  in  the  field  of  conversion.  Trust  me 
with  anything  that  may  aid  you,  and  1  will  at  it  with  a 
vim. 

"  Precious  Victor,  please  write  to  me  as  often  as  you 
can,  for  I  am  awfully  anxious  to  hear  from  you  personally, 
although  I  am  very  busy  in  arranging  regiment  after 
regiment,  which  I  fill  up  by  my  secret  workings,  and  by 
lecturing  in  public.  I  suppose  you  will  feel  astonished  at 
this,  but  I  cannot  be  idle  and  grieve,  like  too  many  W(nneu 
would  do  under  similar  circumstances,  whilst  I  am  capable 
of  practically  helping  you  and  the  great  cause  of  mankind. 

"I  find  a  woman  can  do  more  than  a  man  to  arouse  the 
sympathies  of  thinking  minds,  and  although  several  at- 
tempts were  made  to  insult  me  when  I  was  addressing 
large  audiences,  your  friends  soon  settled  the  imruly 
members,  I  am  now  being  called  for,  therefore  excuse  my 
abrupt  closing,  but  accept  my  warmest  love,  and  believe 
me  to  be  your  owti  most  affectionate  Lucinda." 


CHAPTER  LXXXIV. 

THE  FEAR  AND  DISTRESS  OF    THE  COXSPIRATORS. 

T  is  often  astonishing  how  long  it  takes  the  masses 
of  the  people  to  accept,  or  before  they  are  even 
willing  to  examine,  anything  that  is  novel.  Xew 
ideas,  and  new  discoveries  or  inventions  are 
spurned,  are  the  conjurations,  in  public  esteem,  of  some 
brainless  seeker  after  lucre;  probably  this  conclusion  is 
arrived  at  by  the  masses  because  they  themselves  are  guilty 
of  doing  nothing  that  does  not  bring  money  or  its  equiva- 
lent ;  hence,  the  above-named  conclusions.  Oftentimes 
the  most  useful  and  logical  matters  must  be  kei)t  float- 
ing before  public  gaze  for  years  before  any  of  the  modern 
patterns  of  society  will  behold  the  grandeur  and  superiority 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  333 

of  such  useful  and  logical  matters.  For  instance,  look  at 
the  Public  Press,  which  should  he,  and  is,  the  moulder  of 
the  public  mind  ;  these  men,  who  own  and  edit  the  news- 
papers, claim  to  stand  at  the  head  of  the  pile  of  moralists 
and  humanitarians  ;  but  whilst  they  look  upon  long-estab- 
lished unphysiological  and  abnormal  usages  as  the  legiti- 
mate institutions  of  the  land,  they  overlook  and  even  spurn 
the  establishment  where  new  ideas  (new  to  them,  but  old 
as  the  world)  are  presented  to  the  gaze  of  the  people. 

These  journals  will  collect  all  the  murders,  rapes,  thefts 
and  other  crimes  that  are  committed  over  tlie  world,  and 
fill  their  columns,  local  and  editorial,  with  these  heinous  and 
disgusting  sins  of  criminals  to  the  manner  bred  and  born, 
and  send  this  olla-podrida  into  all  the  Christian  families, 
where  innocent,  dear  little  children  are  fed  on  it,  which 
has  the  effect  upon  those  undeveloped  minds  to  cause  a 
desire  for  the  sumptuous  dishes  which  come  through  crimi- 
nal courts  and  crime-publishing  newspapers  ;  whilst  these 
heathen  owners  and  editors  of  this  public-mind-moulding 
press  have  looked  for  many  years  upon  the  science  of 
"Sexual  Physiology,"  "Secrets  of  Generation,"  and  nor- 
mal regeneration  with  a  holy  horror.  They,  nevertheless, 
professed  to  be  the  guardians  of  the  public  and  private 
morals,  whilst  they  were  themselves  besmeared  with  crimi- 
nal slime  from  crown  to  toe.  Consistency  seems  to  be  no 
part  of  such  men's  acts,  as  little  as  it  is  with  the  lethargic 
minds,  who  spurn  new  ideas,  inventions  and  discoveries. 
But  when  the  people  once  begin  to  see  through  such  a 
criminal  code  of  morals,  they  change  like  magic,  and  then 
the  obsolete  matters  will  be  instantly  forgotten,  and  will 
be  treated  as  stupid  and  worthless.  It  has  been  so  from 
time  immemorial  in  all  things,  and  it  is  equally  so  with 
the  scientific  teachings  of  Dr.  Juno  ;  the  whole  people  now 
applaud  him,  and  those  who,  several  years  ago,  have 
spurned  and  persecuted  him,  would  now  kiss  the  ground 
he  walks  on,  if  tliey  were  privileged  to  do  so. 

Many  cannot  even  yet  see  the  propriety  and  need  of  ad- 


334  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

vocatiiig  the  fixed  laws  of  human  Generation  and  Regenera- 
tion ;  but  to  the  wise  a  hint  on  tliis  subject  will  suffice. 
Tliese  are  the  two  topics  that  have  caused  one  continual 
round  of  distress  to  the  orthodox  consijirators,  simply  be- 
cause if  such  practical,  scientific  piety  were  carried  out  by 
all  who  *•'  increase  and  multiply,"  that  false  religion  of  the 
conspirators,  which  is  founded  upon  conjecture,  would  re- 
ceive a  permanent  death,  and  this  bitter  spirit  of  persecu- 
tion of  the  man  (Juno)  who  advocated  the  only  bona  fide 
piety,  would  not  have  taken  place  ;  consequently  this  war, 
and  the  terror  that  now  prevails  amongst  the  orthodox 
conspirators,  would  not  exist. 

These  bigots  and  self-righteous  drones  are  paying  heavily 
for  their  folly.  Very,  very  few  respectable  peoi)le  stand  by 
them,  and  they  are  all  as  much  in  fear  of  the  working 
classes  and  Naturalists  as  they  used  to  despise  these  sove- 
reign people  of  America. 

"Who  but  sensualists,  drunkards,  gluttons,  misers  and 
selfish  dupes  ai^e  their  satellites  and  hireling  soldiers  ?  Not 
an  honorable,  decent  person  would,  even  at  the  close  of 
this  nineteenth  century,  be  counted  as  a  partner  of  their 
religion  or  illy-gotten  lucre,  lucre  that  was  unjustly  wrung 
from  the  working  people  by  all  sorts  of  cunning  and  craft, 
as  is  too  well  known  to  their  dullest  followers. 

To-day  these  people  are  in  terrible  fear  and  distress, 
from  the  fact  that  they  see  that  the  bone  and  sineic  of  the 
land  are  exacting  their  inalienable  rights.  Are  demanding 
the  long-standing  account  to  be  summarily  settled,  which 
was  due  to  tliem  many  years  ago,  but  was  haughtily  with- 
held from  them  by  these  political  and  sectarian  usurpers. 

These  fahe  fjnides  would  cheerfully,  this  moment,  sell 
their  birthrights  for  a  mess  of  pottage,  and  join  the  cause 
of  the  Naturalists,  if  they  Avould  be  mre  that  they  Avould 
be  accepted,  and  thought  they  could  extricate  themselves 
from  their  augean  filth  and  stereotyped  blasphemy. 

They  have  by  far  the  largest  army,  but  their  leaders  lack 
courage,  their  soldiers  are  debauched,  their  women  are 


THE   CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVERS.  335 

downcast,  and,  in  fact,  the  whole  thing  looks  bad,  viewing 
the  matter  from  an  internal  standpoint ;  of  course,  the 
world  at  large  is  not  acquainted  with  the  true  state  of 
affairs,  and  it  is  now  the  time  when  the  leading,  but 
gloomy  conspirators  can  practically  and  excusingly  apply 
their  hypocrisy,  by  keeping  up  tJie  deception  that  their 
army  and  navy  are  by  far  the  most  numerous,  which  is 
their  only  salvation  to  this  hour  ;  for  if  their  own  people, 
throughout  the  sectarian  world,  would  know  the  true  state 
of  affairs,  seven-eighths  of  them  wauld  prove  false  to  the 
bad  cause  of  orthodoxy  and  leave  it,  joining  the  strong  and 
safe  side ;  because  these  people  are  awfully  afraid  to  die. 

You  can  hear  them  continually  lament  that  "It  is  a 
serious  thing  to  die  !  "  If  they  were  the  saints  they  profess 
to  be,  they  would  rejoice  when  the  hour  of  their  departure 
for  the  blessed  realms  of  angels  would  arrive. 

In  fear  and  treml)ling  the  orthodox  conspirators  are 
pushing  the  war  with  all  their  might,  and  the  cry  is  : 

"This  coming  battle  will  win  for  us;  our  army  is  im- 
mensely large  ;  we  have  the  very  best  generals  ;  the  navy  is 
in  a  good  state,  but  of  little  use  in  the  coming  fray.  Hur- 
rah for  the  orthodox  army !  " 


CHAPTER  LXXXV. 

TERRIBLE  BATTLE  FOUGHT — DOCTOR  JUNO   SHOT  AND 
LOST. 

[jT  last  the  hour  had  arrived  for  the  critical  conflict 
to  begin,  and  it  did  begin  with  terrible  fury,  in 
the  southern  portion  of  Ohio,  through  Indiana 
and  Kentucky,  until  the  Ohio  River  was  dyed 
crimson  with  the  gore  of  human  beings. 

At  first  the  conspirators'  army  dashed  into  the  field  as 
though  they  were  going  to  fairly  swallow  up  the  Natural- 
ists ;  but  the  brave  heroes  did  not  fear  tliem  very  much  ;  at 


336  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

least,  the  manner  in  which  they  repulsed  the  right 
wing  of  the  conspirators'  army,  proved  that  they  were 
prepared  and  ready  for  the  fray.  This  tlank  movement  of 
the  Naturalists  fairly  routed  and  ruined  the  conspirators, 
and  in  their  tlight  they  were  shot  and  cut  down  like  chaff  ; 
however,  the  conspirators  were  very  heavily  re-enforced, 
whfen  they  made  a  stand,  which  caused  a  considerable 
commotion  amongst  the  Naturalists,  whose  time  for  a  re- 
pulse came  in  turn  ;  and  they  were  driven  back  in  good 
order  for  ten  miles,  byt  only  seven  hundred  prisoners  were 
taken  by  the  conspirators  ;  and  what  seemed  very  peculiar 
was,  that  only  about  two  thousand  Naturalists  were  killed 
and  Avounded,  whilst  over  sixty  thousand  conspirators 
were  crippled  and  slaughtered. 

The  latter  seemed  to  fire  too  high  ;  whether  this  was 
owing  to  drunkenness  or  mismanagement  of  the  officers, 
was  not  known  ;  still,  they  made  a  poor  impression  on  the 
sober  Naturalists.  AVhen  tlie  report  spread  that  the  latter 
were  driven  north  into  Ohio,  a  new  uprising  and  influx 
of  Naturalists  took  place,  when  the  conspirators  were 
again  routed,  and  were  driven,  bloody  and  worn  out, 
tln-ough  the  Ohio  River  in  double  quick,  many  having 
been  taken  prisoners ;  many  were  drowned  who  ran  into 
the  river,  and  finding  it  too  deep  to  wade,  and  could  not 
swim,  sank  to  rise  no  more. 

These  scenes  were  heart-rending  and  revolting.  It  was 
Dr.  Juno's  black  flag  proclamation  that  caused  the  enemy 
to  risk  their  lives  in  the  river,  rather  than  be  taken  prison- 
ers, to  be  summarily  shot  down  like  dogs. 

When  the  army  of  the  Naturalists  reached  the  Ohio 
River,  and  found  that  the  enemy  was  demoralized.  Dr. 
Juno  ordered  his  men  to  pursue  them,  wliilst  lie  was  at  the 
head  of  a  brigade,  dashing  forward  like  infuriated  demons. 
Those  who  could  swim,  he  ordered  to  wade  and  swim, 
wliilst  his  immense  cavalry  force  swam  tlieir  horses,  and 
tlie  ammunition  was  carried  across  the  water  on  flat  boats, 
pontoons  and  over  the  old  bridge,  which  the  conspirators 
had  not  time  to  distiu'b. 


THE   COXSPIEATOnS    AXD   LOVEHS.  oo7 

Xow,  the  climax  of  carnage  and  horror  approached ;  both 
armies  were  lieavily  re-enforced  from  every  available  point, 
and  in  Kentucky  the  next  to  the  last  and  worst  battle  wa;; 
fought.  Dr.  Juno  kept  pursuing  the  enemy,  until  he  could 
go  no  further,  on  account  of  the  conspirators  having  re- 
ceived immense  new  supplies  of  men,  who  fought  like  en- 
venomed veterans ;  and  the  Xaturalists  on  the  northern 
side,  where  Dr.  Juno's  division  was  so  fiercely  pursuing 
the  conspirators,  were  repulsed  furiously,  and  quite  a  great 
many  Naturalists  fell  dead  and  wounded ;  they  did  not 
run,  but  fought  until  they  reached  the  Ohio  River  again, 
when  Dr.  Juno  was  riddled  with  bullets,  and  the  balance 
of  his  army  had  to  surrender. 

Over  thirty  thousand  prisoners  were  taken.  Dr.  Juno  in- 
cluded. But  at  the  same  time  the  army  of  Naturalists 
imder  General  Gossimer,  from  Indiana,  were  pressing  ve- 
hemently upon  the  left  wing  of  the  entire  conspirators' 
forces ;  whilst  General  Armington  had  an  immense  fresli 
army  marching  from  the  East  upon  tlie  right  wing  of  the 
enemy ;  under  these  circumstances,  the  conspirators  had 
no  chance  to  either  shoot  or  guard  their  prisoners,  who 
were  immediately  rescued,  and  again  joined  their  own 
army,  when  t!ie  conspiratoi's  were  making  tracks  for  their 
fortifications  in  the  southwestern  portion  of  Kentucky, 
where  they  were  pursued  and  re-enforced. 

Thus  ended  that  terrific  battle,  but  neither  army  had 
many  prisoners,  except  the  wounded,  who  were  kindly 
treated  by  both  parties  until  such  time  when  the  black  flag 
was  swung  over  those  who  refused  to  take  their  respective 
oath  of  allegiance. 

One  thing  must  be  said  to  the  credit  of  the  conspirators, 
tliat  they  rescinded  their  order  or  permission  of  retalia- 
tion, and  each  Naturalist  prisoner  had  to  be  tried  by  court 
martial  before  he  could  be  punished.  Their  own  people 
all  over  the  Union  demanded  this  in  respect  to  their  old 
customs  and  usages.  However,  there  were  other  things 
pressing  down  against  advocating  or  pursuing  the  course 
'22 


338  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

that  Dr.  Juno  instituted  ;  first,  they  found  it  too  dangerous 
for  their  liired  and  demoralized  army  to  be  allowed  to 
shoot  prisoners  in  retaliation  ;  and,  second,  their  entire  com- 
munity could  not  bear  to  let  their  army  do  what  all  of  them 
so  severely  denounced  as  barbarous  and  uncivilized. 

It  was  this  very  cry  against  Dr.  Juno's  black-flag  conduct 
that  united  the  orthodox  people  ;  had  it  not  been  for  this 
cruel  course,  which  Dr.  Juno  inaugurated  and  carried  out, 
not  one-half  the  people  that  did  unite  themselves  in  active 
warfare  would  have  taken  any  interest  or  part  in  this  war. 

Dr.  Juno  knew^  all  these  things  in  advance,  and  he  also 
was  aware  that  the  conflict  would  be  much  more  severe  by 
the  course  he  adopted,  than  it  would  have  been  had  he  fol- 
lowed the  old  usages.  Still,  his  way  proved  to  have  been, 
after  all,  the  wisest,  most  charitable  and  practical. 

Dr.  .Juno  could  not  be  found  by  the  Naturalists  ;  but  by 
mere  chance  a  brother  saw  the  conspirators  carry  him  alive 
from  the  field  dangerously  wounded,  which  the  Naturalists 
kept  quiet ;  but  this  fact  caused  an  immense  stir  amongst 
liis  people. 


CHAPTER  LXXXYI. 

MISS  ARMIXGTON  TAKES  THE    FIELD  WIIEX    SHE    FIXD3 
THAT  DR.  JUNO  IS  GOXE. 

HEN  the  news  secretly  spread  amongst  the  secret 
societies  that  Dr.  Juno  was  either  dead  or  a  pris- 
oner of  war.  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  issued  a 
Proclamation  through  the  newspapers,  and  also 
sent  it  far  and  near  by  telegrai)h  to  the  workingmen  and 
Naturalists,  which  was  given  in  hieroglyphics,  so  tliat  none 
could  comprehend  it  except  the  members  of  the  secret 
societies.    It  was  to  this  effect  : 


Terres  Garden, ,  19—, 

The  hour  has  come  when  our  hero  is  no  more  with  us. 


THE   CONSPIEATOES   AXD   LOVER?.  339 

He  has  been  shot  at  the  head  of  his  brigade  in  the  retreat 
on  the  7th  instant,  and  is  now  in  the  enemy's  hands,  either 
dead  or  alive.    Probably  they  are  not  yet  cognizant  of  it. 

I  need  not  say  that  this  is  a  terribly  distressing  affair  to 
me  personally,  as  well  as  it  must  be  to  the  brotherhood  of 
the  people,  and  it  behooves  us  to  make  herculean  efforts  to 
rescue  him,  whether  he  is  dead  or  living  !  If  he  is  no  more 
to  be  with  us  as  a  friend  and  benefactor,  let  us,  neverthe- 
less, obtain  his  body  and  finish  the  war  for  the  people  ! 

I  have  promised  my  beloved  Victor,  in  our  last  interview, 
that  if  he  fell  on  the  battlefield,  or  was  otherwise  deprived 
from  seeing  this  work  completed,  that  I  would  take  his 
place  and  fight  and  labor  until  I,  too,  followed  him  or 
gained  the  victory  !  This  was  his  will,  as  expressed  in  a 
written  document  now  in  my  possession. 

I  therefore  proclaim  to  you,  the  loyal  subjects  of  my  de- 
voted and  betrothed  husband,  that  I  will  take  the  field  at 
the  head  of  the  army  of  Xaturalists,  and  I  hereby  call  for 
every  available  able-bodied  man  that  can  be  secured  to  in- 
stantly join  our  army  and  navy,  and  by  at  once  (in  secret) 
attacking  the  enemy  on  all  sides  we  may  finish  this  cruel 
work  of  warfare  by  one  united,  gigantic  blow,  and  thereby 
obtain  the  body  of  Dr.  Juno. 

General  Gossimer  will  rally  and  control  the  western  por- 
tion of  the  army,  my  father  will  take  charge  of  the  eastern 
divisions,  and  I  will  see  to  that  part  of  it  which  can  be 
centred  upon  the  enemy  from  the  Xorth.  One  week  from 
to-day,  at  eight  o'clock  in  the  evening,  I  have  appointed 
for  a  united  clandestine  movement  upon  the  conspirators. 

In  the  meantime,  the  enemy  shall  be  made  believe  that 
we  are  nearly  used  up,  and  cannot  take  the  aggressive  for 
months  ;  this  will  cause  them  to  relax  their  vigilance,  when 
half  of  their  officers  will  get  drunk  with  bad  liquors,  and 
the  men  v/ill  imitate  their  masters  and  superiors,  as  is 
always  the  case. 

Admiral  Cunning  I  hereby  order  to  advance  his  iron-clad 
navy  up  the  Ohio  river  as  fast  as  possible,  and  although  he 


340  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

cannot  do  any  particular  barm  to  the  enemy  where  he  now 
is,  still,  when  the  land  forces  shall  scatter  the  conspirators, 
he  will  be  able  to  cause  a  river  of  blood  to  flow  in  horror ! 

The  sisters  of  our  Secret  Order  of  Naturalists  will  co- 
operate with  the  soldiers,  and  each  regiment  will  have  a 
free  supply  of  them  with  it  to  prepare  food,  do  nursing, 
and  attend  to  such  duties  as  they  feel  disposed  to  volunta- 
rily perform,  and  such  as  will  be  assigned  them  by  the 
officers. 

Eemember  the  hour  for  the  united  assault,  and  be  it 
particularly  understood  that  I  order  that  the  Proclamation 
and  Army  Orders  of  my  betrothed  liusband — Dr.  Juno — 
shall  be  carried  out  in  all  cases  as  if  he  were  upon  the  field  ! 

Given  by  the  successor  of  Dr.  Juno,  who  will  instantly 
repair  to  headquarters  of  the  army  of  the  Naturalists,  by 

LUCINDA  ArMINGTON. 


This  proclamation  of  Miss  Armington  had  a  most  salu- 
tary effect  upon  the  entire  country,  and  the  workingmen 
and  Naturalists  rose  as  one  man  to  slay  the  enemy.  Every 
word  of  it  fell  upon  holy  ground,  and  mind,  muscle  and 
money  were  lavished  in  every  conceivable  manner  to  carry 
out  this  proclamation  of  the  betrothed  lady  of  the  lamented 
and  most  beloved  Dr.  Juno. 

The  females  were  ready  to  shoulder  arms  all  over  the 
Union.  At  a  public  meeting  that  was  held  by  the  ladies 
the  day  after  this  loyal  document  was  issued,  the  following 
resolutions  were  unanimously  adopted  : 

Whereas^  Our  beloved  benefactor  and  loyal  master — Dr. 
Victor  Juno — has  won  a  great  battle  on  the  7th  instant ; 
and, 

Whereas,  Several  of  our  men  have  fallen  into  the  hands 
of  tlie  enemy,  who  may  execute  them  summarily  ;  and, 

Whereas,  We,  the  female  ])opulation  of  the  United  States, 
feeling  a  great  interest  in  the  cause  of  humanity,  shall  in- 
stantly co-operate  with  the  army  and  navy  of  the  Natural- 
ists ;  and, 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  34 1 

Whereas,  We  desire  to  see  this  war  ended,  that  peace  and 
good  will  may  come  unto  all  the  working  people  ;  therefore, 

Bcsolved,  Tha.t  Ave  recognize  the  Prodamaiioii  juat  issued 
by  Miss  Lucinda  Armington,  the  affianced  wife  of  Dr. 
Victor  Juno,  who  will  preside  at  the  head  of  the  army  of 
the  people  during  the  illness  of  Dr.  Juno,  and  that  we  shall 
lend  our  assistance  toward  the  subjugatioii  of  the  enemy, 
and  solicit  the  co-operation  of  our  sisters  throughout  tlie 
Union.  Mrs.  S T ,  Presl. 

Miss  R K ,  Sec'y. 


Headquarters  of  the  Army  of  the 

Naturalists, ,  19—. 

I  hereby  order  that  my  Proclamation  be  strictly  observed, 
having  this  day  learned  that  our  beloved  Victor  is  a  pris- 
oner of  war  in  the  hands  of  tlie  enemy,  having  been  pene- 
trated with  bullets  without  injuring  a  vital  organ,  and  he 
is  recovering  very  rapidly,  as  he  always  does  ;  at  any  rate,  I 
understand  that  he  is  to  be  tried  by  court-martial  on  the 
very  day  I  have  mentioned  in  my  proclamation.  Y»nx  are 
all  familiar  with  that,  and  I  hereby  enjoin  vigilance  and 
punctuality,  giving  extra  dignity  and  power  to  the  cause. 

The  rest  remains  to  be  seen  on  that  auspicious  day. 
Heaven  grant  that  the  right  may  conquer.        Lucixda. 


This  terse  little  order  was  published  to  the  world,  but  no 
one  but  the  Naturalists  understood  the  whole  of  it,  as  the 
proclamation  was  not  published  to  the  world,  but  only  to 
those  who  understood  the  liieroglyphics  of  the  secret  socie- 
ties. It  kindled  a  fire  of  fury  and  determination  in  every 
loyal  breast. 

"Dr.  Juno  a  prisoner  of  war,  and  to  be  tried  by  cnnrt- 
martial !  Great  ])o\vers  above,"  was  tlie  unanimous  im- 
pression. "  Surely  he  will  be  shot  forthwitli,  unless  the 
conspirators  dread  his  followers." 

The  following  sentiments  were  freely  expressed  by  the 
sympathizers  of  Dr.  Juno  : 


342  THE   SOCIAL   WAll   OF    1900;    OR, 

"The  orthodox  army  dare  not  shoot  Dr.  Juuo,  we  will 
make  it  too  hot  for  theui  to  do  so  in  tlie  next  tweuty-four 
hours."  "Dr.  Juno  will  make  a  speech  before  that  court- 
martial  that  will  magnetize  his  enemies  with  dreadful  hor- 
ror, and  come  away  unharmed."  "  If  L)r.  Juno  is  allowed 
to  speak  before  he  is  shot  he  will  defy  tlie  enemy." 
"  Wiien  the  conspirators  learn  that  Miss  Lucinda  Arming- 
ton  has  taken  Dr.  Juno's  place  at  headquarters,  and  has 
ordered  the  execution  of  his  first  proclamation,  they  will 
not  lind  him  guilty  of  crime."  "If  tlie  court-martial  will 
sentence  Dr.  Juno  to  be  shot,  they  will  find  it  entirely  too 
dangerous  to  execute  the  sentence."  "  If  Dr.  Juno  is  shot 
by  the  conspirators  it  will  cause  a  terribly  revengeful  feel- 
ing throughout  the  world,  because  his  motives  and  move- 
ments have  all  been  too  unselfish  and  philanthropic  to  de- 
serve death."  "Beware!  O  Pharisees  !  how  you  insult 
and  handle  our  heroic  master." 


CHAPTER  LXXXVII. 

THE  TKIAL  BY  COURT  MARTIAL  OF  DR.  JUNO. 

ijrTEH  the  orthodox  conspirators  liad  lost  nearly 
one-half  of  their  men  in  that  dreadful  battle  just 
fouglit,  they  were  very  blue,  although  then  their 
army  was  safely  inside  of  their  strong  fortifica- 
tions, Tintil  the  news  came  that  Dr.  Juno  had  been  shot 
and  was  their  prisoner  in  one  of  their  hospitals. 

No  one  knew  liim  until  he  liad  been  carried,  amongst 
other  prisoners,  to  a  hospital,  and  then  not  until  the  s\n-- 
geon  had  dressed  his  gun-shot  wounds,  of  which  he  had 
twenty,  no  one  fatnl,  when  one  of  tlie  nurses  recognized 
him,  who  at  once  went  to  the  physician  and  said  : 

"Dr.  Johnson,  do  yon  know  that  the  man  who  has  had 
twenty  wounds,  neither  of  which  yoii  said  was  dangerous, 
is  Dr.  Juno  ?  " 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  313 

"You  are  crazy!  "  ejaculated  the  doctor,  and  stared  at 
the  nurse  as  if  he  would  devour  liira. 

"No,  sir!"  emphatically  exclaimed  the  nurse.  "I  am 
not  crazy,  but  I  am  telling  you  the  truth,  for  I  know  the 
doctor  well." 

"Pshaw!"  interposed  the  doctor;  "he  was  a  private 
soldier,  dressed  in  the  commonest  manner.  He  may  re- 
semble Juno,  but  never  was  it  he." 

"  If  it  is  not  he  you  may  shoot  me, "exclaimed  the  nurse, 
very  much  agitated,  "  for  I  have  spoken  with  him,  and  I 
know  his  voice  as  well  as  my  own,  and  it  is  not  likely  that 
I  am  deceived  in  his  voice  and  personal  identity.  Please 
come  with  me  and  see  for  yourself." 

"I  don't  know  him,  if  I  should  fall  over  him,"  said  the 
physician,  angrily  ;  "  therefore  my  going  to  see  him  would 
not  benefit  anything  " — 

"  We  will  ask  him  whether  it  is  not  he,"  interposed  the 
nurse. 

"  Fool !  do  you  think  he  would  be  big  enough  an  idiot  to 
tell  the  truth  V  "  ejaculated  he  ;  "for  if  Juno  has  dressed 
in  a  private  soldier's  disguise,  he  will  not  acknowledge 
that  it  is  he  were  we  all  to  ask  him,  knowing  that  such  an 
acknowledgment  would  prove  his  instant  death." 

"Yes  he  would,"  exclaimed  the  nurse.  "I  know  him 
too  well ;  he  is  no  coward  nor  dissembler.  Do,  please 
come,  and  let  us  ask  him  ;  you  know  the  reward  that  is  of^ 
fered  for  his  capture ;  we  may  be  entitled  to  it  by  this 
move." 

"Sure  enough,"  said  he.     "  I  will  go  with  you." 

They  hurried  to  the  bedside  of  Dr.  Juno,  who  was  sleep-, 
ing  as  serenely  as  if  he  never  had  seen  a  care  or  had  a, 
trouble,  when  the  pliysician  said  to  the  nurse,  whilst  they 
botli  gazed  upon  his  manly  face  : 

"  Tom,  this  man  has  an  micommon  face,  and  he  sleeps  as 
if  he  were  in  perfect  health,  and  enjoyed  a  happy  life.  I 
hate  to  wake  him,  bpcanse  he  is  recuperating  like  magic 
under  the  influence  of  such  a  slec-i)." 


344  THE  SOCIAL  war  of  1900;  or, 

"Never  mind  all  that,"  said  the  nurse ;  "he  ^Yill  soon 
sleep  agahi." 

"  That  may  be  so,"  exclaimed  he.     "  Here  it  goes." 

And  he  touched  his  shoulder  and  said  • 

"  Dr.  Juno,  is  that  you  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir,"  ejaculated  Dr.  Juno ;  "  what  do  you  want  ?  " 

This  almost  paralyzed  the  physician,  when  he  asked 
again,  seeing  that  tlie  man  was  now  fully  awake  : 

"  Sir,  I  wish  to  know  if  you  are  Dr.  Victor  Juno  ?" 

"I  am,"  very  calmly  said  he. 

"Do  you  know  where  you  are.  Dr.  Juno?",  continued 
the  physician,  still  doubting. 

"Of  course  1  do,"  said  he,  and  turning  sliglitly  in  his 
couch,  continued,  "I  am  in  my  enemy's  hospital;  now 
please  let  me  sleep,  and  when  I  am  better  I  will  gladly 
speak  with  you." 

The  two  inquirers  of  the  name  of  their  patient  now  left 
the  room  together,  and  after  they  were  beyond  Dr.  Juno's 
hearing,  the  pliysician  said  to  the  nurse  : 

"Tom,  this  man  astonishes  me.  I  am  favorably  disap- 
pointed with  him.  I  always  thought  that  he  was  an  ugly 
tempered  and  rascally  old  fellow,  without  sense  or  con- 
science ;  but  such  a  head  as  this  man  has  shows  talent  and 
good  qualities.  1  did  not  notice  him  when  I  dressed  his 
wounds,  or  I  would  have  seen  by  half  a  glance  that  noble 
countenance.     I  love  and  respect  him." 

"  Is  it  possible  that  you  are  so  violently  taken  with  the 
man  who  has  caused  this  most  unjust  and  cruel  war  ?  and 
then,  think  how  he  slioots  our  soldiers  when  they  are  taken 
prisoners !  I  want  to  see  him  shot  in  return  for  his  un- 
civilized and  barbarous  conduct,"  said  Tom. 

"  I  do  not  wish  to  see  him  sliot ;  he  is  too  noble  a  look- 
ing man  to  execute  in  that  stjie.  Have  you  read  his  mas- 
teily  proclamation  and  array  orders  ?  They  were  sound  in 
doctrine,  and,  if  carried  out,  will  goon  end  the  war  and 
prove  a  real  charity,"  exclaimed  the  physician  of  the 
hospital. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  345 

"I  shall  at  once  repair  to  the  oflice  of  General  Orthod, 
and  report  what  I  have  learned,"  said  Tom. 

AVhen  the  officers  of  the  conspirators  had  learned  that 
Dr.  Juno  was  their  prisoner,  the}'  at  once  convened  a 
special  court  martial,  and  in  a  few  days,  when  he  was  able 
to  sit  up,  they  tried  him  The  day  of  trial,  and  other  par- 
ticulars, were  publislied  to  the  world  in  all  the  orthodox 
newspapers,  in  staring  head-lines. 

The  orthodox  people  and  army  and  navy  were  in  high 
glee  over  this  sudden  downfall  of  tlie  Naturalists  ;  for  they 
were  certain,  if  Juno  was  no  more,  the  war  would  instantly 
close  on  their  own  terms.  In  this  they  were  very,  •yery 
much  mistaken,  as  this  state  of  affairs  caused  an  opposite 
effect. 

They,  at  any  rate,  considered  that  the  Naturalists  were 
well  nigli  exhausted,  and  as  soon  as  they  found  that  their 
leader  was  taken  prisoner,  they  would  yield  and  sue  for 
peace.  From  these  conclusions,  they  considered  that  they 
would  make  haste  slowly.  They  would  recruit  their  army, 
and,  after  disposing  of  Dr.  Juno,  would  offer  terms  of 
peace. 

They  found  the  celebrated  prisoner  i-ecovering  so  rapidly 
that  they  tliought,  if  they  would  not  give  him  his  trial  and 
execute  the  sentence  quickly,  he  might  escape  from  their 
clutcl)es.  Tlie  leading  members  of  the  court  martial  agreed 
to  visit  Dr.  Juno  in  the  hospital,  and  ascertain  from  him 
if  he  was  able  to  appear  at  court.  Some  of  tliem  thought 
that  he  would  feign  to  be  worse  than  he  was,  to  cause  a 
postponement  of  the  trial.    General  Orthod  asked  him  : 

"Dr.  Juno,  we  have  convened  a  special  court  martial  to 
try  you,  and  I  wish  to  know  if  you  think  that  you  are  well 
enough  to  attend  court  to-morrow  ?  " 

"  Well,  sir,"  said  he,  "  I  have  considerable  pain  in  seve- 
rnl  of  tlie  wounds,  but  I  am  strong,  and  t'e?'y  well  at  heart ; 
therefore  I  shall  be  deliglited  to  appear  at  the  'special 
court '  which  you  have  had  the  kindness  to  convene  for  Iny 
benefit." 


346  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

"All  right,  sir,"  responded  General  Orthod,  and  added  : 
"  Can  we  serve  you  in  any  way  V  " 

"  No,  sir,  I  kindly  thank  you  ;  I  have  all  I  need,  and  he 
who  wants  more  in  time  of  cruel  war,  is  no  Christian,"  re- 
sponded Dr.  Juno. 

Tliese  remarks  were  very  bold,  decidedly  cool,  and  to 
some  uf  them  seemed  sarcastic.  They  caused  the  ofhcers 
to  discuss  Dr.  Juno's  sang  froid  with  deep  anxiety ,  in 
sooth,  they  felt  more  fear  and  concern  about  the  easy  man- 
ners of  the  prisoner  tlian  the  latter  did  himself  of  the  trial 
and  its  results,  which  was  a  stickler.  The  following  con- 
versation took  place  concerning  the  matter  : 

"General  Orthod,  please  tell  us,  wliat  do  you  think  of 
the  self-composed  and  easy  manner,  and  monstrously  cool 
language  of  our  prisoner  ?  "  asked  a  colonel. 

"  Indeed,  indeed  !  I  am  more  puzzled  than  I  have  ever 
been  in  my  wliole  life ! "  responded  the  general,  with  a 
sigh,  and  remaining  silent,  stared,  as  it  wei-e,  upon  va- 
cancy, which  was  an  uncommon  thing  for  him  to  do,  and 
whicli  caused  the  rest  to  feel  very  superstitious  about  the 
matter. 

After  exchanging  several  other  remarks,  they  parted  to 
meet  in  their  court  room  the  following  day,  at  ten  o'clock 
ill  the  morning,  to  try  Juno. 


CHAPTEll  LXXXVIII. 

TUE  COURT  JIARTIAL   TRIES  JUNO. 

HE  hour  of  ten  in  the  morning  had  arrived,  and 
the  officers  constituting  the  Juno  Court  Martial 
were  all  present,  wlien  General  Orthod  said,  be- 
fore the  prisoner  was  in  court : 
"  Gentlemen,  I  have  had  some  very  strange  forebodings 
since  we  have  had  that  interview  with  the  heroic  prisoner, 
who  is  about  to  be  arraigned  and  tried  before  us  this 


THE   COXSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  347 

morning  ;  and  as  I  am  the  presiding  judge  in  the  case,  it  is 
my  duty  to  act  according  to  the  usages  in  such  cases ; 
otherwise,  I  would  much  rather  be  excused  in  having  a 
part  or  parcel  in  the  case  that  w'e  are  called  to  pronounce 
upon.  This  man  Juno  is,  to  say  the  least,  a  brave  enthu- 
siast, and  I  believe  that  he  feels  that  he  is  in  the  riglit ; 
but  that  cannot  save  him  from  summary  punishment  at 
our  hands." 

''I  agree  with  the  general,"  said  Colonel  Sanctiblower, 
son  of  Judge  Sanctiblower  ;  ''but  I  am  determined  not  to 
falter  in  the  rigid  performance  of  duty." 

The  general  then  ordered  the  prisoner  to  be  brought  into 
Court,  after  which  the  doors  were  thrown  open  to  specta- 
tors, wiio  crowded  the  room  to  its  utmost  in  a  moment. 

Dr.  Juno  was  brouglit  into  Court  by  four  officers, who  as- 
sisted him  to  walk,  having  been  too  lame,  from  the  wounds 
he  received  at  the  head  of  his  army,  to  walk  without  con- 
siderable assistance.  He  was  placed  into  an  easy  chair, 
wliich  the  sympathetic  physician  of  the  hospital  had 
ordered  to  be  provided  for  liis  august  patient,  whom  he 
desired  should  be  as  comfortable  as  he  could  make  him 
whilst  he  lived,  even  if  he  would  be  shot  afterwards. 

After  everything  was  arranged,  and  the  Court  called  to 
order,  a  lengtliy  silence  ensued,  which  partook  of  tlie  na- 
ture of  a  Quaker  meeting,  causing  every  one  to  feel  as 
thougli  a  solemn  liour  was  at  hand,  and  more  solemn  w"ork. 
At  last  General  Ortliod  said,  in  a  tremulous  voice  : 

''  The  Court  is  ready  to  proceed  with  the  trial  of  the 
prisoner  ;  are  counsel  ready  to  proceed  ?  " 

The  prosecuting  attorney  responded  :  "  We  are  prepared 
to  proceed." 

Dr.  Juno  was  asked  to  stand  up,  wlien  the  Clerk  of  the 
Court  said : 

''A'ictor  Juno,  you  are  charged  with  high  treason  and 
murder  ;  how  say  you,  guilty  or  not  guilty  V  " 

"•  Not  guilty  !  "  responded  Dr.  Juno,  in  a  cool  and  com- 
posed naanner. 


348  THE   SOCIAL    WAR    OF    1900;    OR, 

"  Dr.  Juno,  liave  you  counsel  engaged  V  "  asked  General 
Orthod  ;  to  wliich  he  replied  : 

"•No,  sir  ;  1  will  be  fully  competent  to  act  as  my  own 
counsel." 

'•'Tlie  Court  is  ready  to  hear  the  case,"  said  General 
Orthod.  The  prosecuting  counsel  rose  and  spoke  as  fol- 
lows : 

''  Your  IIono)\  and  Gentlemen  of  the  Commission : — It  be- 
comes my  painful  duty  to  charge  the  prisoner  at  the  bar 
■with  felony  of  the  higliest  grade. 

'■'  Firstly — This  indictment  charges  you  with  high  trea- 
son, and  inciting  to  mob  huv. 

^'Secondly — It  cluirges  you  with  cold,  premeditated  mur- 
der of  innocent  persons,  who  have  fallen  into  the  hands  of 
the  rebel  horde,  which  you  claim  to  control. 

"  Thirdly— It  charges  you  with  riot,  robbery  and  malfea- 
sance of  office. 

"The  line  of  prosecution,  which  I  pi-opose  to  pursue,  is 
that  of  the  second  charge,  '■cold,  premeditated  murder,''  wliicli 
is  ample  to  find  a  verdict  for  the  States  for  murder  in  tlie 
first  degree,  the  penalty  of  which,  in  times  of  rebellion,  is 
death  by  shooting.  1  will  not  ask  this  commission  to  liear 
useless  testimony,  neither  will  I  take  up  tlieir  precious 
time  with  tlie  discussion  of  tlie  minor  charges  as  found  in 
tliis  bill ;  but  content  myself  with  proving  that  you,  Victor 
Juno,  the  prisoner  at  the  bar,  are  guilty  of  shooting  men 
dead,  contrary  to  the  usages  of  civilized  life. 

"■  "Will  George  Henry  Adkinson  take  the  witness'  stand  V "" 

After  being  sworn,  this  witness  testified  as  follows  ; 

"I  was  in  the  next  to  this  last  battle,  Avhich  was  fouglit 
in  the  southern  part  of  the  State  of  Oliio.  JSIyself  and 
several  thousand  other  soldiers  of  the  Union  were  taken 
jirisoners,  and  after  the  fi'ay  was  over,  as  Dr.  Juno's  offi- 
cers marched  us  toward  lieadquartcrs  of  tho  prisoner  at, 
this  bar  (Dr.  Juno),  I  slijiped  away  and  returned  by  good 
luc]^  to  our  own  army.  Tlie  rest  were  all  sliot  by  the  order 
of  Dr.  Juno," 


THE   CONSPIPATORS   AND   LOVERS.  319 

Prosecuting  Aitorney. — Were  thei'e  any  of  our  generals 
taken  prisoners  V 

Witness. — Yes  ;  four, 

P.  A. — Name  them. 

Tr.— Generals  Cadwell,  Stew,  Fancy  and  Pierce. 

P.  -4.— Were  these  four  generals  also  shot  ? 

W. — Yes,  sir. 

P.  ^.— Do  you  know  whether  our  wounded  men  were 
kindly  treated  ? 

1^1^.— Yes,  sir ;  they  were  very  kindly  treated,  and  were 
very  skilfully  doctored  ;  were  very  soon  cured  up,  but  were 
shot  as  soon  as  well  enough  to  stand  upright. 

P.  A. — Did  this  Dr.  Juno,  the  prisoner  at  the  bar,  him- 
self order  them  to  be  sliot ;  and  did  he  not  give  them  a 
chance  to  defend  themselves  ? 

W. — He  did  himself  order  all  to  be  shot ;  but  he  gave 
them  only  this  chance  of  defence,  that  they  should  volun- 
tarily take  his  oath  of  allegiance,  and  go  into  his  army  at 
once,  if  well  enough  to  do  so ;  if  they  refused,  they  were 
shot. 

P.  J..— Cross-examine. 

Dr.  Juno. — Did  you  see  any  one  shot,  with  your  own 
eyes,  in  the  manner  you  have  stated  to  tnis  commission  V 

W. — No,  sir  ;  I  did  not  see  any  one  shot,  but  I  was  told 
so,  and  read  your  proclamation  and  army  orders  to  that 
effect  in  the  newspapers. 

Dr.  J. — You  should  not  swear  to  what  you  hear,  or  what 
you  have  read  in  the  newspapers  ;  it  is  not  a  sound  doc- 
trine.   That  will  do,  I  have  no  more  questions  to  ask. 

William  N.  Snigglefkitz,  sworn. 

Prosecuting  Attorney. — What  do  you  know  of  this  man — 
the  prisoner  at  tlie  bar  ? 

W.—l  know  nothing  but  wliat  I  have  heard  and  read  in 
newspapers, 

P.  J..— That  is  not  legal  evidence.     That  will  answer. 

Gen.  Orthod. — Mr,  Snigglefritz,  were  you  a  soldier  for 
the  Union  in  this  present  conflict  ? 


350  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

TT.— No,  sir  ;  not  exactly  a  soldier,  but  1  have  been  with 
the  army. 

Q.  0.— What  did  you  do  with  the  army  ? 

W. — I  sold  liquor  and  tobacco. 

0.  0. — To  whom  did  you  sell  liquor  and  tobacco? 

W. — To  any  one  that  would  buy. 

0.  0.— If  I  catch  you  again  at  that  work,  I'll  have  you 
court-martialed ;  mind  me. 

W. — Yes,  sir. 

GusTAVE  Fierce,  sworn. 

ProsecutiiKj  Attorney.— Where,  are  you  from,  and  what  do 
you  know  of  Dr.  Juno,  the  prisoner  at  the  bar  ;  tell  us  all 
about  it  V 

W. — I  will.  I  was  a  spy  in  the  army  of  the  working 
men,  and  saw  all  your  drunken  soldiers  shot  in  battle  and 
after  battle.  Dr.  Juno  was  always  doing  his  duty,  and  he 
was  always  sober,  too ;  a  thing  that  I  cannot  say  of  the 
Union  army — 

P.  A. — (Interrupting  him.)  Stop,  Fierce;  you  talk 
entirely  too  fast,  and  too  much  that  is  irrelevant  to  the 
subject.  Tell  us,  did  you  ever  see  or  hear  the  prisoner 
shoot  or  order  any  one  to  be  shot,  who  was  a  prisoner  of  a 
war  ? 

TF.— Yes,  sir  ;  I  have  seen  the  prisoners  shot,  and  have 
heard  the  prisoner  say  to  his  men  :  Be  sure  you  shoot  well ; 
aim  well,  shoot  fair  and  quick.  In  fact,  the  prisoner  is  a 
practical,  clear-headed  and  sober  man,  which  is  more  than 
you  can  say — 

P.  ^1.— Stop,  stop — 

ir.— Yes,  sir,  I'll  stop,  but— 

Gen.  0.— You  must  not  speak  any  more  than  you  are 
asked— 

ir.— I  don't,  for  he  told  me  to  tell  him  all  about  this 
iiKitter.  and  I  simply  complied  with  his  request  and  told 
him  what  I  knew  to  be  a  live  fact,  for,  really,  I  consider 
Dr.  Juno  tlie  best  soldier  and  purest  man  living. 

P.  A. — Now  stop,  sir,  or  I'll  send  you  to  prison. 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  351 

W. — Oh,  goodness  !  do  you  think  tliat  you  can  scare  me 
with  prisons  ?  Xo,  sir ;  1  am  a  native  born  JS'aturalist,  al- 
though I  do  not  belong  to  the  Secret  Order  of  Naturalists 
of  which  Dr.  Juno  is  the  founder  and  father. 

P.  ^.— That  will  do  ;  I  have  no  more  to  ask. 

W. — But  I  have  not  yet  finished. 

P.  A. — Xever  mind  that,  but  go  ;  leave  the  stand. 

W. — I  won't  do  it. 

Dr.  Juno. — Your  honor,  may  I  be  permitted  to  cross-ex- 
amine this  witness? 

Gen.  0. — Certainly,  sir. 

Dr.  J. — Mr.  Fierce,  were  you  in  our  army  when  Gene- 
rals Cadwell,  Stew,  Fancy  and  Fierce  were  taken  pris- 
oners ? 

W. — Yes,  sir,  indeed,  I  was  at  home  at  that  hour. 

Dr.  J. — Do  you  know  if  these  generals  (Cadwell,  Stew, 
Fancy  and  Pierce)  are  alive,  or  were  they  shot  V 

W. — They  Avere  alive  three  days  ago.  You  know  that 
you  retained  them  as  hostages. 

Dr.  /.—That  will  do. 

This  testimony  of  one  of  their  own  lAitnesses,  a  loyal 
saint,  as  they  thought,  and  one  of  their  own  spies,  who 
spied,  however,  more  for  Juno  than  for  them,  put  a  damper 
on  their  feelings ;  which  caused  the  laying  of  heads  to- 
getlier  all  around  the  court  room,  and  the  astounding  ex- 
clamation could  liave  been  heard  everywhei'e  : 

"Generals  Cadwell,  Stew.  Fancy  and  Fierce  held  as 
hostages,  and  uut  shot !    Great  heavens  !  " 


352  THE  fciociAL  V\'Aii  oi-^  IDOU;  or, 


CHAPTER  LXXXIX. 

HON.  BLUSTER  GIBBONS'  SPEECH   BEFORE  THE  COURT 
MARTIAL. 

ALF  a  dozen  more  witnesses  were  examined, 
but  noticing  positive  could  be  proved  that  Dr, 
Juno  bad  either  himself  shot,  or  ordered  anj^ 
prisoners  of  war  to  be  shot ;  and,  according  to 
orthodox  customs,  no  one  can  be  convicted  on  such  evi- 
dence ;  moreover,  it  was  proved  by  what  the  orthodoxy 
considered  her  best  witness  (Mr.  Fierce),  that  Generals 
Cadwell,  Stew,  Fancy  and  Pierce  were  alive  to  this  day, 
and  were  held  as  hostages,  which  looked  badly  for  the  con- 
spirators' court  martial.  Nevertheless,  they  had  to  carry 
the  matter  through,  therefore  the  prosecuting  attorney 
closed  his  remarks  in  the  following  speech,  in  which  the 
spectators  evinced  little  interest : 

Hon.  Bluster  Gibbons'— Prosecuting  Attorney's— 
Speech. 

Oentlemen  of  the  Commhsion  :-~T\\e  duty  is  incumbent 
upon  me,  as  a  loyal  man  to  my  God,  to  the  elect  and  to  tlie 
country,  to  argue  this  case  in  such  a  manner  as  to  do 
reverence  to  our  holy  cause. 

Gentlemen,  you  have  listened  with  great  interest  to  the 
witnesses  who  were  this  morning  examined.  If  we  were 
not,  each  of  us,  fully  assured  that  this  Right  Reverend  (y), 
this  Doctor  of  Divinity,  and  Doctor  of  Medicine  and  Psy- 
chology, was  guilty  of  the  crimes  of  riot,  treason  and  cold- 
blooded murder,  I  should  have  more  to  say  about  the 
matter  than  I  probably  shall  in  the  few  remarks  which  I 
propose  to  submit  to  you  in  this  case. 

Gentlemen,  you  and  I  have  no  business  to  entertain  any 
feeling  about  this  case  ;  we  are  simply  here  in  tlie  perfor- 
mance of  a  high  public  duty.    Simply  to  vindicate  and 


THE   CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVERS.  353 

sustain  the  majesty  of  the  laws  under  which  we  live. 
Simply  to  protect  that  most  sacred  right  that  any  of  us 
may  claim  as  our  home  or  constitutional  right ;  the  right 
to  execute  the  invader  of  old  established  usages,  the 
murderer  of  prisoners  of  war,  such  as  the  prisoner  at  the 
bar  is. 

Gentlemen  of  the  commission,  you  have  heard  the  testi- 
mony of  the  witnesses,  and  you  know,  without  witnesses, 
that  this  man  is  guilty  of  murdering  our  brave  soldiers,  as 
if  they  were  dogs  ;  as  if  he  had  the  right  to  trample  upon 
the  sacred  usages  of  all  civilized  countries. 

I  hope  this  Progressive  Christian,  this  Eight  Eeverend 
Bishop  Juno,  is  not  to  carry  us  back  to  the  age  of  Moham- 
medanism, or  to  the  dark  ages.  The  assurance  of  an  inno- 
vator like  he,  to  dare  to  shoot  our  men  as  if  they  were  mere 
cattle ;  not  even  giving  them  a  chance  to  defend  them- 
selves, as  you  here  permit  him  to  be  defended. 

Why,  gentlemen,  he  should  have  been  immediately  shot, 
as  he  shoots  our  men,  whom  he  was  taken  on  the  field. 
Yes,  we  should  not  give  him  an  opportunity  to  open  his 
impudent  mouth. 

He  has  always  been  a  perfect  nuisance  to  decent  Chris- 
tian people  ;  look,  what  lias  he  not  done  to  disturb  the  peace 
and  comfort  of  the  religious  community.  He  has  justly 
been  arrested  and  imprisoned  for  publishing  and  circulat- 
ing obscene  books  ;  books  that  were  so  lewd,  filthy,  wicked 
and  infamous  tliat  the  same  were  too  offensive  to  go  on  tlie 
records  of  the  Criminal  Court,  in  which  he  was  convicted, 
and  that  is  bad  enough,  God  knows  ! 

Gentlemen,  you  are  called  upon  to  give  a  verdict  of  mur- 
der in  the  first  degree,  and  by  so  doing,  you  will  remove  a 
stumbling-block  to  grace  divine  ;  a  bugbear  to  the  liberty 
of  the  saints  ;  because  you  are  all  very  well  informed  how 
this  man  at  the  bar  has,  for  a  quarter  of  a  century,  thrust 
himself  impudently  into  the  face  of  every  decent  man, 
woman  and  child. 

His  harangues  to  the  sensual  masses  he  has  everywhere 
23 


354  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

delivered,  until  he  has  so  agitated  a  bad  cause  as  to  prose- 
lyte thousands,  and  with  these  dupes  he  has  instituted  this 
most  barbarous,  gigantic  and  atrocious  rebellion  ;  and, 
Unless  you,  gentlemen  of  the  commission,  tind  him  guilty 
of  the  liighest  crime  in  the  country,  and  forthwith  sen- 
tence him  to  death,  and  order  his  execution  instantly,  this 
war  will  continue. 

Once  he  is  removed  from  terra  firma,  then  farewell  re- 
bellion. I  hope  every  person  within  the  reach  of  my  voice 
agrees  with  me  in  this  view  of  the  question.  AVhy  should 
we  hesitate  in  doing,  or  delaying,  our  duty  in  tliis  plain 
business  transaction  V  Let  us  vindicate  our  cause  wliilst 
we  have  it  in  our  power  ;  wliilst  we  have  this  malignant 
upstart,  this  reverend  tyrant,  this  butcher  of  human  be- 
ings, who  has  no  more  conscience  and  heart  than  a  tiger, 
or  an  infuriated  bull ! 

The  testimony  is  ample  to  cause  his  speedy  conviction 
and  execution.  Look  at  him  ;  how  cool,  hardened,  uncon- 
cerned and  lost  to  shame  he  is.  A  man  who  is  guilty  of 
such  crime,  as  this  Riglit  Bishop  Juno  is,  should  repent  in 
sackcloth  and  ashes  before  the  avenging  hand  of  justice 
sends  liis  impious  soul,  if  he  has  any,  into  the  presence  of  a 
wrathful  Creator ! 

Of  all  the  brazen-faced,  egotistical  and  self-elated  scoun- 
drels this  wicked  wretch  beats  it ;  of  all  the  calm-headed 
cut-throats  and  presumptuous  braggadocios,  I  must  assert 
he  is  the  quintessence.  If  there  were  any  symptoms  of  in- 
sanity ;  if  he  had  any  slight  signs  of  not  being  compose  menfia, 
we  might  have  some  sympathy  for  the  creature  ;  but  a  7ion- 
compos  mentis  could  not  wield  the  mighty  influence  for  evil 
that  this  prisoner  at  the  bar  has  done. 

He  is  a  self-made  demon,  who  can  speak  so  plausibly  to 
the  masses  as  to  cause  them  to  believe  that  he  is  the  most 
learned  and  wise  man,  when  he  is  moved  by  Satan,  guided 
by  imps  and  sustained  by  the  cheek  of  all  that  is  infernal 
and  damnable  !  "Who  of  you,  my  hearers,  doubt  this  V  Who 
of  you  doubt  anytliing  that  I  have  said  of  this  deliberate 
murderer  ? 


THE   COXSPIRATOKS    AND    LOVERS.  35-5 

I  will  wager  all  that  is  sacred  to  me  that  if  this  honora 
ble  Court  will  permit  it  he  will  make  an  attempt  in  a  ha- 
rangue to  justify  himself  in  every  crime  that  he  has  figured. 
He  is  so  lost  to  decency  and  good  breeding  that  his  con- 
science is  seared,  and  it  is  only  sport  to  the  wretch  to  mur- 
der our  innocent  soldiers,  and  if  he  had  us  this  moment  in 
his  power,  as  we  have  him,  he  would  order  us  to  be  drawn 
into  a  line,  and  place  a  cannon  at  one  end  of  the  line  and 
blow  us  to  glory  like  dogs  ;  yes,  like  he  did  our  soldiers  in 
every  battle  where  any  of  our  men  fell  into  Ms  dastardly 
hands ! 

In  conclusion,  gentlemen  of  the  commission,  I  do  not 
■wish  to  insult  your  intelligence,  nor  continue  to  argue  with 
you  as  though  you  were  also  conscience-void,  like  this  beast 
at  the  bar  !  Although  he  looks  self-satisfied  and  composed, 
but  I  assure  you  that  he  is  almost  scared  to  death  !  Yes,  I 
can  at  times  see  an  expression  on  his  countenance  that 
shows  his  dread  of  the  result  of  this  just  trial. 

Let  us  make  an  example  of  this  leader  of  the  greatest 
mob  of  ruffians  that  ever  breathed  breath  !  Who  are  his 
followers  and  rioters  V  I  will  tell  you  :  the  greasy,  dirty 
mechanic,  the  common  laborer,  the  off-scouring  of  the 
land,  who  ai-e  not  good  enough  for  us  to  wipe  our  feet 
upon ;  yes,  these  stinking  workingmen  make  up  his  so- 
styled  army  and  navy,  who  have  stolen  our  war  implements 
by  a  series  of  secret  society  movements,  knowing  well 
enough  that  by  fair  means  they  could  not  have  given  us  so 
much  trouble. 

Gentlemen,  I  am  not  going  to  doubt  your  morality,  your 
virtue,  your  Christian  gi'aces.  I  am  not  going  to  suppose 
for  a  moment  that  you  mean  to  stand  by  and  justify  this 
flagrant  violation  of  law  by  any  further  remarks  upon  this 
subject  of  these  atrocious  wholesale  murders.  I  shall  sim- 
ply present  the  testimony  to  you  under  the  charge  of  rigid 
justice,  and  will  ask  }'ou  to  find  a  verdict  of  guilty  of  mur- 
der in  the  first  degree  ! 


856 


THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 


CHAPTER  XC. 

DR.  JUNO'S  GREAT,  DEFIANT  DEFENCE. 

B.  President  and  Gentlemen  of  the  Commission  : — As 
I  am  privileged  to  defend  myself,  permit  me,  in 
the  onset  of  my  remarks,  to  say  that  I  shall  not 
appear  before  you  as  a  whining  coward,  nor  shall 
I  seek  favors  at  your  hands. 

You  have  not  proved  anything  against  me  upon  which, 
according  to  stereotyped  orthodox  usages,  you  could  find  a 
verdict  of  guilty  against  me  for  murder  in  any  degree  ;  but 
I  emphatically  acknowledge  that  I  have  ordered  all  your 
men  to  be  shot  dead  who  were  taken  prisoners,  and  wlio 
would  not  take  our  oath  of  allegiance  and  fight  in  our  army 
and  navy  against  you,  after  I  exhorted  them  to  do  so,  and 
gave  them  an  opportunity  to  defend  themselves.  [Hisses 
and  groans.] 

I  am  aware  that  this  course  of  warfare  is  looked  upon  by 
all  nations  as  outrageous^  but  I  am  not  controlled  or  guided 
by  the  public  opinion  of  this  or  any  other  nation,  simply 
because  this  and  every  nation  on  the  globe  are  governed  by 
customs  or  habits. 

Whatever  is  a  custom  or  usage  finally  becomes  a  law — 
custom  makes  law — whether  such  custom  is  founded  upon 
fixed  law,  God's  law,  or  upon  conjecture,  and  tlie  result  of 
this  habit  of  allowing  customs  to  create  law  for  a  nation 
proves  to  have  been,  and  still  is,  the  ruination  of  the  peo- 
ple ;  the  working  people,  the  poor  people,  the  fallen  people, 
for  whose  welfare  and  eternal  salvation  I  have  lived  and 
labored,  through  calm  and  storm,  for  many  long  years,  re- 
gardless of  comfort,  gain,  glory  of  men,  or  the  favor  of  the 
Pharisees  themselves. 

To  me  war  is  always  "outrageous,"  and  therefore  as  we 
must  liave  this  outrageous  evil  as  a  necessity,  the  severer 
the  blow  the  sooner  will  it  be  ended.    It  is  quadruply  out- 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND   LOVERS.  357 

rageons  to  protract  war,  to  make  it  a  lingering  cruelty, 
carrying  it  on  for  years,  until  a  nation  is  ruined  in  every 
way,  and  Anally  closing  the  conflict  without  having  estab- 
lislied  a  sound  public  doctrine,  or  witliout  having  taught 
the  belligerents  that  it  was  caused  by  unfaithfulness  to 
God's  hallowed  injunctions;  without  teaching  the  nation 
or  nations  that  Jesus  Christ  was  a  Naturalist,  who  taught 
us  by  precept  and  example  that  the  poor  man's  soul  is  as 
near  and  dear  to  Ilim  as  the  rich  person's.  Yea,  He  went 
farther  and  said  : 

"  It  is  easier  for  a  camel  to  go  through  the  eye  of  a  nee- 
dle than  for  a  rich  man  to  enter  into  the  kingdom  of  God." 

Jesus  meant  what  he  said,  for  it  is  utterly  impossible  for 
a  man  to  be  happy  in  the  hereafter,  when  this  mortal  coil 
returns  to  clay,  and  the  spirit  stands  aloof  and  reflects 
upon  the  impiousness  of  having  held  as  his  own  that  which 
he  neither  brought  into  the  world  nor  took  out  of  it,  and 
which  God  designed  for  the  use  of  all  alike,  whilst  they 
journeyed  on  His  footstool,  where  the  most  talented,  apt 
and  wise  should  do,  but  do  not,  as  Christ  commanded : 

"  Preach,  saying  the  kingdom  of  heaven  is  at  hand," 
meaning  all  the  fixed  laws  and  wonderful  works  of  God. 

'•Heal  the  sick,  cleanse  the  lepers,  raise  the  dead,  cast 
out  devils ;  freely  ye  have  received,  freely  give.  Provide 
neither  gold,  nor  silver,  nor  brass  in  your  purses." 

I  have  by  acts  followed  these  natural  teachings  all  my 
life ;  and  you  and  your  co-conspirators,  who  have  wor- 
shipped God  contrary  to  this  scientific  method,  have  perse- 
cuted me  and  mine  for  nearly  half  a  century,  until  you  be- 
came so  cruel,  tyrannical,  overbearing,  selfish  and  self- 
righteous  that  neither  I  nor  my  followers  could  exist  in 
peace  and  comfort ;  therefore,  we  saw  that  it  behooved  us 
to  teach  you  a  terrible  lesson,  and  by  so  doing  save  the  \\n- 
born  generations  from  falling  into  the  same  horrible  pool 
of  corruption  that  nations  have  waded  in  for  hundreds  of 
years. 

Thus,  I  have  instituted  the  most  speedy,  although  cruel 


358  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

plan  to  save  the  race  from  the  thraldom  th^t  JiU7i,i/  lucre 
creates,  and  thereby  give  to  the  poor  a  chance  to  be  honest, 
healthy  and  natural.    [Great  applause.] 

Do  I  look  like  a  man  fond  of  war,  who  would  delight  in 
tlie  misery  of  the  people  V  I  hope  not.  Do  I  look  like  the 
man  that  the  Hon.  Bluster  Gibbons  has  made  me  out  to 
be?    [Cries  of  Kol  no!"] 

Do  any  of  my  sermons,  lectures,  orations  or  writings 
advocate  cruelty  to  the  people  V  Or,  have  I  always  advo- 
cated that  the  few  should  be  sacrificed  for  the  good  of  the 
many  ?  [Cries  of  '•'■  Yes  !  "]  What  induced  me  to  oppose 
the  whole  world  but  my  unfeigned  love  for  the  people,  and 
the  practical  reverence  I  had  for  God  ? 

War  is  always  cruel,  and  thousands  of  innocent  ones 
must  suffer  for  the  guilty,  in  such  outrageous  times  ;  but 
the  right  always  conquers  in  the  end.  It  was  such  men  as 
yourselves  ;  yes,  you  and  your  proselytes  that  have  caused 
this  barbarous  conflict,  and  it  is  /  who  had  shot,  and  intend 
to  have  all  your  rebellious  men  speedily  shot,  when  taken 
as  prisoners  ;  and  if  I  die  at  your  hands,  Generals  Cadwell, 
Stew,  Fancy  and  Pierce  die  also  ;  such  have  been  my  orders. 

However,  I  feel  that  it  would  be  best  for  my  cause  if  you 
should  shoot  me;  therefore,  I  resolutely  and  fearlessly 
defy  you  to  shoot  me.  [Cries  of  "Hear!  hear!"]  If  I 
should  fall  at  your  hands,  it  would  cause  such  a  holy  in- 
dignation throughout  the  Union,  amongst  the  sovereign 
people,  the  working  people,  whom  the  Hon.  Bluster  Gibbons 
styles,  "the  offscouring  of  the  land,  who  are  not  good 
enough  for  you  to  wipe  your  feet  upon,"  that  they  would 
wipe  you  out  like  slate-pencil  marks.  Yes,  I  am  fully  con- 
vinced that  I  had  better  die  at  your  hands ;  so  find  me 
guilty  of  anything,  and  vent  your  hypocritical  spleen  upon 
him  who  has  been  a  "stumbling-block"  in  your  unhal- 
lowed path,  and  tlien  you  will  see  the  glory  of  God  appear. 
[Tremendous  applause.] 

I  speak  this,  gentlemen,  with  reverence  and  in  great 
earnestness ;  and  now,  as  I  have  given  you  a  brief  explana- 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVEES.  359 

tion  of  the  motives  that  prompted  me  to  shoot  your  men, 
I  will  add  that  I  esteem  you,  gentlemen,  and  your  boon 
associates  (not  these  spectators,  who  are  twin  to  our  "  off- 
scouring  of  the  land  ")  as  the  most  impious,  black-hearted 
and  dastardly  set  of  hypocrites  and  vipers  that  the  world 
ever  looked  upon. 

You  have  had  your  own  way  so  long  that  you  think  it 
presumptuous  in  any  man,  or  body  of  men,  to  throw  you 
from  your  sacrilegious  saddle,  in  which  you  have  been 
riding  to  the  devil  on  the  double-quick,  and  have  dragged 
the  millions  of  sincere  and  confiding  working  people  with 
you.  Deny  this  if  you  can.  And  more,  you  have  owned 
everything  ;  have  even  stolen  the  livery  of  heaven  to  serve 
the  devil  in  ;  have,  by  your  selfishness,  usurped  every  right 
of  the  people — when  I  say  the  people^  I  mean  the  working 
people,  the  producers,  the  "offscouring  of  the  land,"  who 
are  not  good  enough  to  wipe  your  Pharisaical  feet  upon. 
[Tremendous  applause.] 

I,  gentlemen,  have  the  honor  of  having  caused  your  little 
game  to  be  permanently  blocked,  and  even  your  own  peo- 
ple, these  your  spectators,  seem  to  approve  of  my  course,  if 
I  may  judge  of  the  kindly  applause  that  I  have  received 
since  I  have  feebly  spoken  in  defence  of  their  rights  at  the 
sacrifice  of  your  lofty  positions  ;  positions  which  you  have 
obtained  by  cunning,  craft  and  deception,  which  very  much 
looks  to  me  like  legalized  wholesale  robbery,  like  selling 
principle  and  piety  to  the  highest  bidder,  and  wliich  resem- 
bles the  graphic  picture,  which  is  painted  in  the  twenty- 
third  chapter  of  St.  Matthew,  of  the  Xew  Testament,  in 
the  language  of  the  Son  of  ^Nfan,  who  likewise  gave  himself 
as  a  sacrifice  or  ransom  for  the  cause  of  God  and  humanity, 
viz. : 

"  TVo  unto  you  scribes  and  pharisees,  hypocrites  !  for  ye 
compass  sea  and  land  to  make  one  proselyte  ;  and  when  he 
is  made,  ye  make  him  twofold  more  the  cliild  of  hell  tlian 
yourselves.  Ye  serpents,  ye  generation  of  vi})ers,  how  can 
ye  escape  the  damnation  of  hell  ?  Behold,  your  house  is 
left  unto  you  desolate  I " 


360  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

In  conclusion,  let  me  invoke  you  to  repent,  every  one  of 
you,  iind  join  our  cause  of  God  and  humanity,  that  tlie 
Spirit  of  Christ,  and  the  re-appearing  or  second  coming 
of  Clirist,  may  be  made  manifest.    [Uproarious  applause.] 

But,  if  you  refuse  to  accept  the  bona  fide  boon  of  salva- 
tion, and  persist  in  your  haughty  manner  to  usurp  the 
power,  which  alone  is  vested  in  God  and  His  faithful  peo- 
ple, you  will  shortly  receive  your  doom  ;  mark  the  words  of 
one  who  is  your  friend^  however  abrupt  and  cruel  his  lan- 
guage may  seem.    [Vociferous  applause.] 

I  have  done  ;  and  it  remains  for  you  to  do  as  you  see  fit ; 
in  either  way,  I  will  be  benefited.  May  God  have  mercy 
on  your  souls. 

CHAPTER  XCI. 

THE  VERDICT  AXD  ITS  EFFECT. 

fFTER  the  close  of  Dr.  Juno's  speech,  the  specta- 
tors were  all  removed,  as  well  as  Dr.  Juno,  when 
the  following  wrangling  discussion,  between  the 
"  Gentlemen  of  tlie  Commission,"  took  place  : 
""Well,  gentlemen,"  said  the  president.  General  Orthod, 
•'  I  scai'cely  know  what  we  had  better  do  with  this  bold 
man  ;  if  we  find  him  guilty  of  murder  in  the  first  degree, 
as  we  ouglit,  and  sentence  him  to  be  shot,  we  may  prove  to 
be  our  oAvn  worst  enemies  ;  for,  assuredly,  it  will  cause  a 
mutiny  in  our  ranks,  which  was  plainly  to  be  seen  when 
Juno  made  that  dare-devil  speech.  He  is  certainly  a  great, 
bold  and  lieroic  man,  and  I  rather  admire  him.  I  feel  that 
we  liad  better  acquit  him,  on  the  ground  that  the  testi- 
mony was  not  sutticient  to  convict  him  ;  but  I  am  ready  to 
hear  your  ojiinions. " 

"  Gentlemen,  I  am  astonished,  thunderstruck,  at  the  re- 
marks of  our  general,  and  ])resident  of  tliis  court  martial." 
ejaculated  Colonel  Fury  Stucku]).  "We  must  strike  a 
fearless  blow  now,  or  become  tiie  laughing  stock  of  tlio 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  361 

whole  civilized  world.  If  mutiny,  riot  and  internal  rebel- 
lion are  to  come,  now  is  the  time  to  let  them  come;  because 
the  enemy  is  well  nigh  used  up,  and  cannot  take  the  ag- 
gressive for  a  long  time ;  whilst  we  can  easily  subdue  the 
few  giddy-headed  rioters  who  were  psychologized  by  Juno's 
blustering  sophistry,  and  who  will  as  soon  yield  to  our 
commands,  as  they  applauded  this  arch  fiend.  Again, 
once  Juno  is  dead,  we  will  be  master  of  the  post,  for  his 
like  does  not  exist ;  and  as  regards  the  testimony  not  being 
sufficient,  is  nonsense  ;  did  he  not  boldly  plead  guilty  ?  And 
after  his  speech  will  reach  the  masses  of  our  people,  would 
they  not  spurn  us,  and  denounce  us  as  cowards  and  cut- 
throats, were  we  to  acquit  him  ?  No,  gentlemen,  he  must 
be  sentenced  to  death,  and  to-morrow  he  should  be  shot." 

"For  my  part,"  said  Colonel  "Windy,  "I  agree  with 
Colonel  Stuckup  ;  this  man  must  die  as  soon  as  possible. 
I  would  myself  feel  disposed  to  assassinate  him  if  he  were 
acquitted ;  therefore,  I  am  for  speedy  work,  let  the  con- 
sequence be  what  it  may.  I  call  for  the  vote  of  the  com- 
mission " — 

"I  second  that  motion,"  interposed  Colonel  Stuckup, 
who  was  terribly  elated  and  stuck-up  over  the  apparent 
victory  his  speech  had  over  General  Orthod'swise  remarks. 

"I  would  like  to  make  a  few  remarks,  before  action  is 
taken  in  this  very  important  matter,"  responded  Briga- 
dier General  Longhead.  "  I  perfe^^tly  agree  with  our  wise, 
experienced  and  eminent  president,  who  can  see  farther 
than  these  young  men,  who  probably  are  moved  more  by 
passion  than  discretion.  Tliis  man — Dr.  Juno — has  made 
a  wonderful  and  lasting  impression  upon  our  own  fighting 
men,  i;pon  whom  Ave  must  depend  for  victory,  and  if  we 
sentence  this  fearless  creature,  they  will  murder  us. 

"I  saw  a  phonographic  reporter  take  down  the  whole  pro- 
ceedings, and  a  friend  of  mine  whispered  to  me,  during  the 
time  Juno  was  speaking,  that  compositors  were  tlien  at 
work  setting  up  the  same  for  publication  in  pamphlets; 
and  their  distribution  amongst  the  army,  navy  and  tlie 


362  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

people,  will  be  self-evident ;  the  result  you  Avill  see,  if  we 
convict  this  man.  In  sooth,  we  may  be  executed  by  our 
own  men,  before  Juno,  if  we  find  him  guilty.  We  have 
made  a  great  blunder  in  having  allowed  the  people  to  be 
present  in  the  trial,  and  the  lion.  Bluster  Gibbons'  re- 
marks about  the  '  working  people '  were  a  stab  into  our 
own  sides.    I  will  vote  against  conviction." 

*•  1  now  call  for  the  vote,''  ejaculated  Colonel  Windy. 

"•]S^o,  sir,  first  give  me  a  moment  to  answer  General 
Longhead  according  to  his  folly,"  interrupted  Colonel 
Stuckup.  "You  talk  like  a  man  who  is  about  turning 
traitor,  or  like  a  scared  boy,  or  a  villain  " — 

"  Sir  I  to  whom  do  you  address  your  ungentlemanly  and 
illy  timed  remarks  V  "  interrupted  the  president.  General 
Orthod.  "  If  you  speak  of  General  Loiigliead,  you  yourself 
are  guilty  of  the  charges  with  which  you  would  brand  this 
wise  superior  ollicer,  and  I  cmpliatically  command  you  to 
make  an  apology  to  him,  or  I  shall  order  your  arrest." 

"I  did  speak  of  General  Longliead,"  responded  Colonel 
Stuckup;  ''•but  his  foolish  speech  made  me  too  indignant 
to  hold  my  tongue,  and  I  only  make  an  apology  by  the 
order  of  our  president  and  superior  oflicer  (?) ;  under  any 
other  circumstances,  I  should  resent  the  proposition  and 
challenge  discussion  to  the  death  !  " 

"  Your  apology  is  accepted,  but  in  tlie  future  guard  your 
stuckup  tongue  as  becomes  a  subordinate  young  officer, 
when  your  words  may  be  heeded,"  said  General  Orthod  in 
a  firm  and  polite  manner.  He  knew  that  this  was  not  the 
place  and  time  for  bantering  words,  but  he  wanted  peace 
in  his  commission  until  this  verdict  was  rendered. 

Tliere  were  twenty-four  men  in  this  commission  ;  nearly 
all  were  rabid  orthodox  conspirators,  except  Generals 
Ortliod  and  Longliead,  therefore  tlie  Avise  remarks  of  these 
sages  were  not  lieeded  ;  and  as  the  votes  were  called  for 
Avithont  any  objections,  twenty-one  were  cast  for  convic- 
tion, and  three  for  acipiittal. 

It  was  now  eiglit  o'clock  in  the  evening,  and  when  the 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  363 

verdict  was  made  public,  a  rush  by  the  people  was  made 
for  the  court  room,  where  the  commission  had  convened  ; 
but  the  members  of  the  court  martial  had  all  left  except 
Colonels  IStuckup  and  Windy,  who  were  addressing  some 
of  their  friends  on  the  fight  and  fuss  they  had  with  Gene- 
rals Orthod  and  Longhead  ;  the  mob  forced  its  way  rudely 
into  the  midst  of  the  room,  and  cried  tumultuously  : 

"  Where  are  the  members  of  the  commission  V  " 

Colonel  Stuckup  jumped  upon  a  table  and  violently 
called  for  attention,  and  said  : 

"  Fellow  Citizens : — Colonel  Windy  and  myself  are  the 
only  members  in  the  house  ;  the  rest  have  left.  [Groans.] 
We  have  worked  hard  to  render  a  verdict  of  guilty. 
[Hisses,  j  Please  permit  me  to  acquaint  you  with  a  das- 
tardly outrage.  [Groans,  and  a  move  to  lynch  them.] 
Keep  silent  for  only  a  moment,  when  you  will  hear  who 
are  your  best  friends  and  who  your  enemies.  [Cries,  go  on, 
go  on  and  hurry  up.]  Would  you  think  it,  Generals  Orthod 
and  Longhead  did  their  best  to  acquit  Juno.  [Good !  Go 
on,  quick.]  But  the  colonel,  here,  and  myself  made  strong 
speeches  for  conviction,  and  the  result  you  know." 

;No  sooner  had  these  remarks  been  made,  when  these 
two  colonels  were  seized  and  dragged  into  the  street,  where 
ropes  were  furnished,  and  they  were  hung  to  the  nearest 
trees ;  and  their  swords  were  taken  from  them  by  the 
rioters,  Avho  stabbed  them  dozens  of  times  into  their  abdo- 
mens with  deathly  violence. 

When  the  mob  saw  that  their  victims  were  dying,  they 
pinned  printed  black  cards  upon  their  bodies,  which  were 
previously  prepared,  with  these  words  upon  them  : 

''Tlie  work  of  the  ''Greasy,  Dirty  Mechanics,  the  Offscour- 
ing  of  the  Land,''  and  friends  of  Dr.  Juno." 

The  mob  now  moved  for  the  Hon.  Bluster  Gibbons' 
residence,  but  they  were  disbanded  before  they  Avent  a 
sipiare,  by  the  Regulars,  who  were  ordered  to  fire  \i]ion 
and  arrest  them.  Still,  tliis  did  not  remove  the  perturbed 
spirit  that  had  invested  the  minds  of  the  working  people^ 


364  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

the  very  people  wlio  fought  against  their  own  interest, 
"Which  was  indelibly  inscribed  upon  their  minds  by  that 
great  speech  of  Dr.  Juno,  wliicli  even  the  entire  army  and 
navy  of  this  people  had  read  by  this  time,  and  which  was 
fomenting  the  feelings  of  these  hired  soldiers  and  marines 
to  a  fever  heat. 

General  Orthod  was  appealed  to  by  the  citizens  to  issue 
a  proclamation,  which  would  check  this  internal  rebellion, 
this  threatened  mutiny :  but  he  said  : 

"  I  have  advised  the  two  young  men — Colonels  Stuckup 
and  "Windy — who  were  lynched  by  the  mob.  I  told  them, 
and  so  did  our  prudent  General  Longhead,  that  our  own 
people  might  become  our  executioners,  if  we  should  find 
Dr.  Juno  guilty  ;  but  tliey  spurned  our  advice,  and  found 
him  gnilty,  and  what  is  still  worse,  is,  they  have  sentenced 
him  to  be  shot  to-morrow,  at  ten  o'clock  in  the  morning, 
which  will  cause  a  terrible  scene  of  bloodshed.  I  am  fully 
persuaded  that  we  are  lost ;  utterly  lost  by  following  the 
programme  of  the  commission.  I  have  done  my  best ;  so 
has  Generals  Longhead  and  Wisdom,  who  were  the 
only  members  that  opposed  conviction ;  all  the  rest  were 
for  it." 

"But,  general,"  responded  a  parson,  "do  you  not  sup- 
pose that  a  judiciously  executed  proclamation  would  put  a 
stop  to  this  fearful  rioting  V  Offer  them  good  will,  if 
obedient,  and  summary  death,  if  disobedient  to  your 
orders." 

"I  will  do  my  duty,"  said  he,  when  he  speedily  wrote 
the  following : 

Proclamatiox. 

It  is  my  duty  to  issue  this  Proclamation,  which  grieves 
me  to  the  heart : 

First — All  rioters,  or  those  who  incite  to  riot,  shall  be 
shot  on  the  spot. 

Secondly — I  will  do  everytliing,  as  I  always  have  done, 
to  benefit  our  cause  and  our  ])eople  ;  but  riot  in  our  own 
family  divides  the  house,  when  it  may  fall,  which  might 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  365 

encourage  the  prostrated  foe  sufficiently  to  rally  his  forces 
and  continue  the  war  after  Juno  is  shot. 

TiiiUDLY — The  soldiers  and  citizens  will  heed  and  exe- 
cute this  proclamation. 

Given  at  headquarters  of  the  army  of  the  Union,  this 
day  of ,  19—,  by  Orthod. 


CHAPTER  XCII. 

THE  SHOOTING  OF  DR.  JUNO  AND  THE  LAST  BATTLE. 

[HE  evening  when  the  verdict  against  Dr.  Juno 
was  published  to  the  conspirators'  army,  at  pre- 
cisely the  same  hour  when  the  Naturalists'  army 
began  to  move  toward  the  enemy,  the  Natural- 
ists received  the  news  half  an  hour  later,  and  this  caused  a 
vehement,  double-quick  march  for  the  scene  that  was  to 
take  place  the  following  morning  at  ten  o'clock. 

Lucinda  telegraphed  to  her  entire  army,  navy  and  people 
to  make  tremendous  haste,  and  strike  vehemently,  as  they 
— the  conspirators — had  internal  trouble,  which  might 
postpone  the  execution  of  her  beloved  Victor. 

The  enemy  was  informed  that  the  iSTatui-alists  were  mov- 
ing rapidly  upon  him,  but  this  kind  of  news  was  not  be- 
lieved by  the  officers  of  the  conspirators  ;  hence  they  gave 
themselves  no  uneasiness  in  that  direction.  However, 
they  feared  their  own  people,  and  the  only  thing  they  cared 
about  this  report  was  that  it  might  embolden  their  soldiers 
and  encourage  them  in  their  mutiny. 

General  Orthod's  pi'oclamation  was  published  in  the 
morning  papers  and  by  circulars,  which  created  a  determi- 
nation amongst  the  officers  to  execute  it,  and  frighten  the 
people,  if  possible  ;  but  the  majority  of  the  men  of  tlieir 
army  that  was  in  that  place  were  only  waiting  for  a  time 
to  sliow  their  determination  ;  and  although  their  fortifica- 
tions were  very  strong,  and  a  few  men  could  hold  an  im- 


366  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

mense  force  in  abeyance,  still  all  this  could  avail  nothing 
on  this  momentous  occasion.  At  eight  o'clock  in  the 
morning  the  conspirators  had.  to  believe  to  tlieir  sorrow 
that  the  army  of  the  Naturalists  was  approaching  ;  because 
their  pickets  were  driven  in  from  all  sides,  who  reported 
that  an  immense  army  was  besieging  them,  when  General 
Orthod  ordered  the  men  into  the  forts ;  but  hundreds  of 
them  were  intoxicated,  even  many  of  the  officers  had  too 
much  gas  on  their  brains  to  attend  to  their  duty. 

Tliey  had  their  hands  more  than  full,  as  Dr.  Juno  7nust 
be  shot  peremptorily  at  ten  o'clock,  which  would  be  an 
hour  of  sore  distress ;  because  the  enemy  would  be  upon 
them,  the  execution  of  Juno  might  cause  riot  and  mutiny 
in  their  own  ranks,  and  what  to  do  was  a  puzzle  to  the 
leading  generals  in  command  of  the  troops. 

Time  was  brief,  and  the  rattling  of  musketry  and  clatter- 
ing of  wagons  and  horses'  hoofs  were  audibly  heard  in  the 
distance.  The  fray  was  ready  to  begin,  and  the  planting 
of  huge  cannon  all  around  the  conspirators'  forts  seemed 
to  be  the  work  of  a  minute,  wlien  shells  and  hot  shot  fairly 
rained  upon  the  fortifications  and  camps  of  the  conspira- 
tors, which  made  awful  havoc  ;  tliousands  were  sliattered 
to  atoms  by  the  fierceness  of  bursting  shells,  and  truly  the 
hour  of  terror  had  arrived,  being  now  ten  minutes  often 
o'clock,  when  the  officers  who  were  ordered  to  execute  Dr. 
Juno  speedily  selected  fifty  soldiers  to  prepare  to  shoot 
him. 

Dr.  Juno  Avas  brought  into  an  open  space  of  the  main 
fort,  and  the  men  were  commanded  to  aim  and  fire,  which 
they  did  ;  but  instead  of  hitting  Juno  they,  from  some 
cause  or  other,  missed  him,  which  amazed  and  almost 
paralyzed  the  officers,  Avho  were  now  oecoming  sui>ersti- 
tious,  believing  that  tliis  man's  life  was  a  charmed  one. 
This,  however,  was  not  the  case ;  but  the  soldiers  aimed 
two  or  three  inches  higher  than  Iiis  head.  This  was  a  set- 
tled matter  amono^st  the  soldiers,  that  whoever  would  be 
selected  to  shoot  Dr.  Juno  should  aim  too  high,  and  sliould 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  367 

any  one  of  them  prove  false  the  rest  should  shoot  him  on 
the  instant. 

Dr.  Juno  saw  that  the  officers  were  affrighted,  whilst  the 
soldiers  seemed  to  evince  a  desire  to  have  Juno  command 
them,  when  he  made  one  leap  for  the  musket  of  a  soldier, 
who  had  his  piece  ready  loaded  to  fire,  and  cried  aloud  in  a 
commanding  manner : 

"Soldiers,  obey  my  orders,  and  shoot  down  every  officer 
and  man  who  fights  any  longer  against  the  workinrj  peoijle  !  " 
In  an  instant  every  officer  in  that  large  fort  fell  dead,  and 
the  wliite  flag  was  run  up,  when  the  Naturalists  took  pos- 
session of  the  strongest  fortification. 

General  Armington  commanded  this  division,  and  as  he 
stepped  into  the  fort  who  should  he  behold,  with  open  arms, 
but  Dr.  Juno !  The  scene  was  a  grand  and  impressive 
one  !  They  embraced  each  other  and  wept  for  joy,  and  the 
soldiers  of  both  armies,  who  beheld  them,  also  shed  tears 
like  little  children ;  even  half -intoxicated  men  seemed  to 
realize  that  a  holier  element  was  going  to  rule,  and  that 
scene  of  carnage  was  changed  into  a  peaceful  audience 
chamber.  But  the  battle  still  raged  most  furiously  in 
other  quarters,  men  falling  like  drops  of  rain  in  a  furious 
thunder-shower.  However,  the  news  soon  spread  that 
Fort  Principle  was  taken,  and  that  Dr.  Juno  was  alive, 
which  caused  an  instant  surrender  of  the  entire  Union  or 
conspirators'  army ! 

General  Orthod  surrendered  his  sword  to  Dr.  Juno,  they 
being  the  chief  commanders  of  both  armies.  The  general 
said  to  Dr.  Juno,  as  he  handed  his  sword  to  him  : 

''Dr.  Juno,  I  cheerfully  surrender  my  sword  to  you,  and 
hope  that  we  may  never  more  liave  need  to  take  it  up  ;  my 
best  wishes  are  for  the  advancement  of  your  cause.  I  have 
never  imderstood  you  until  you  made  that  bold  and  noble 
speech  before  the  court  martial,  of  wliich  I  was  president. 
And,  if  you  will  permit  me,  -^I  will  state  tliat  myself  and 
my  excellent  associate  here,  General  Longhead,  favored 
your  acquittal,  which  act  almost. cost  us  our  lives  I 


368  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

"  The  more  rabid  and  inexperienced  officers  that  were 
members  of  that  court  martial  overruled  us,  but  they  are, 
every  one,  dead  now,  having  been  lynched  and  shot  by  the 
mob,  by  the  working  people,  who  saw  in  you  their  saviour  ; 
and  my  sympathies  were,  and  forever  shall  be,  with  you 
and  your  cause.    [Applause.] 

"  With  these  intrusive  remarks,  I  submit  myself  to  your 
charge,  and  pray  to  be  accepted  as  a  brother  Naturalist !  " 
[Tremendous  applause  and  hurrahs  fairly  rend  the  firma- 
ment overhead.] 

Dr.  Juno  modestly  received  the  general's  sword,  and  said 
tremulously,  having  been  perfectly  overcome  with  joyful 
emotions : 

"  This  act  of  yours  alone  is  sufficient  joy  !  "  Sobs  and 
tears  caused  silence  for  a  few  minutes.  "•!  say  your  gen- 
erous sympathy  overwhelms  me  with  joy  and  gratitude. 
You,  sir,  upon  whom  I  have  always  looked  as  having  been 
one  of  the  greatest  generals  and  statesmen  that  America 
has  ever  produce. ,  are  doing  reverence  to  me,  and  are 
ready  to  join  our  beloved  Order  of  Naturaluts.  This,  truly, 
is  a  conquest  of  which  I  am  proud,  and  1  thank  God  and 
my  followers  for  this  victory,  for  now  little  remains  to  be 
done  to  finish  the  work  of  reformation,  because  the  '  camel's 
back  is  broken,'  and  the  country  will  freely  receive  its  new 
habiliments,  which  will  bring  good  will  to  men,  a  thing 
that  must  be  desirable  to  all  rational  minds. 

"General  Orthod,  I  hail  the  hour  and  worship  the  power 
tliat  gave  you  into  our  hands,  and  brought  our  hearts  to 
beat  in  unison  on  the  religion  of  the  Lord  of  hosts  !  The 
blessed  Naturalist,  Jesus  Clirist,  is  our  exemplar  and  guar> 
dian,  whose  sympathies  always  were  with  the  poor,  the 
fallen  and  needy  people.  I  represent  him  to  the  best  of 
my  ability,  and  I  hope  that  the  Millennium  is  not  far  dis- 
tant I " 

"Amen  to  all  you  have  said,  generous  brotlier,"  re- 
si)onded  the  general,  when  quite  a  tumult  was  caused  with- 
out tlie  guards.    Miss  Lucinda  Armington,  the  female 


THE   CONSPIEATORS   AXD   LOVEPJS.  369 

general,  had  arrived,  and  desired  to  see  Dr.  Juno,  which 
produced  tremendous  cheering  and  deafening  applause. 


CHAPTER  XCIII. 

PATHETIC  MEETIXG  OF  VICTOR  AXD  LUCIXDA  AFTER 
THE  BATTLE. 

P^HE  interview  between  Victor  and  Lueinda  was— 
what  shall  I  say,  heart-rending,  or  heart -bleed- 
ing ;  in  sooth,  thousands  stood  with  quivering 
lips  and  tearful  eyes.  Remember,  this  was  not 
by  any  means  a  common  meeting  of  common  lovers  ;  but, 
wlien  we  reflect  upon  the  numerous  privations,  sufferings 
and  anxieties  that  these  two  lovers  of  God,  lovers  of  hu- 
manity and  lovers  of  each  other,  were  compelled  to  go 
through,  and  at  the  close  of  these  perilous  adventures 
they  meet  again,  safe  and  sound,  it  was  really  a  touching 
scene. 

Very  few  who  have  lived  in  affluence,  or  who  led  reck- 
less lives,  could  appreciate  the  impulses  that  moved  these 
lovers  and  their  spectators.  The  latter  had  suffered  in 
battle,  had  experienced  the  liand  of  the  haughty  lucre-king, 
the  power  of  the  inhuman  tyrant  and  the  misery  that  pov- 
erty and  want  caused  in  a  land  where,  so  to  speak,  milk 
and  honey  should  abundantly  flow  unto  all  the  children  of 
earth  alike. 

When  Dr.  Juno  heard  that  the  people  were  exclaiming  : 

"  General  Lueinda !  Hurrah  for  General  Lueinda  ! 
Hurrah  !    Hurrah  !  !    Hurrah  ! ! !  " 

He  asked  what  this  all  meant,  for  he  was  not  yet  aware 
that  his  beloved  affianced  wife  had  taken  his  place  in  the 
field  of  battle  ;  and  after  General  Armington  briefly  told 
him,  he  cried  aloud  : 

"  Make  way  for  my  affianced  wife ! " 
24 


370  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF    1900;   OR, 

Then  the  people  parted  to  permit  tlie  happy  couple  to 
meet.  Dr.  Juno  stood  like  marble,  with  open  arms,  and 
exclaimed,  when  she  llew  into  his  arms  : 

"■  My  beloved  !  my  guardian  angel  I  " 

Silence  and  throbbing  of  hearts  spoke  the  balance,  until 
the  lovers  regained  their  equilibrium,  when  Dr.  Juno 
raised  his  head  and  said : 

"Friends,  pardon  a  weak  man's  overflowing  soul,  which 
is  an  evidence  of  the  love  he  bears  for  a  good  and  true  wo- 
man, such  as  this  one,  my  Lucinda,  is  !  " 

When  he  repeated  the  last  part  of  this  sentence,  lie  had 
his  right  arm  around  her  waist,  wliilst  he  held  her  right 
hand  in  his  left,  and  gazed  most  lovingly  into  her  upraised 
eyes,  which  made  a  picture  that  was  almost  celestial  to 
behold. 

He  now  conducted  her  into  an  open  coach,  and  Generals 
Armington  and  Orthod  joined  the  couple,  when  they  were 
driven  througli  the  immense  crowd  of  the  soldiers  of  both 
armies,  besides  citizens,  who  cheered  vociferously,  many 
rending  their  garments,  throwing  their  hats  into  the  air, 
and  many  novel  expressions  were  made  that  indicated 
joy.  However,  several  persons  expressed  themselves  as 
displeased,  who  were  literally  torn  into  atoms  by  the  infu- 
riated concourse  of  working  people. 

The  people  had  learned  for  tlie  first  time  that  they  were 
the  sovereigns  of  America,  and  they  recognized  Dr.  Juno 
as  the  man  wlio  brought  about  this  great  reform,  and  tlicy 
vowed  to  heed  liis  counsel  in  all  time  to  come,  as  he  was 
the  only  man  who  thoroughly  understood  how  to  direct  a 
sound  government  according  to  the  new  era. 

After  the  four  generals,  namely:  Lucinda,  Dr.  Juno, 
Armington  and  Orthod,  had  been  driven  through  tlie  huge 
concourse  of  si^ectators,  they  went  to  the  headquarters  of 
General  Orthod,  where  they  had  all  their  wants  supplied, 
for  they  were  all  hungry  ;  and  Dr.  Juno  had  his  old,  com- 
mon army  clotlies  on  yet,  which  looked  none  too  clean  and 
sound  ;  because  he  was  taken  prisoner  in  them,  was  wear 


THE   COXSPIEATORS   AND    LOVERS.  371 

ing  them  ever  since,  and  they  were  full  of  bullet  holes, 
which  gave  them  a  ragged  aspect. 

After  he  exchanged  these  war  worn  rags  for  a  new  suit 
of  black,  he  appeared  before  his  beloved  Lucinda,  and  the 
happy  couple  had  a  great  deal  of  news  to  relate,  that 
transpired  since  they  last  met.  Dr.  Juno  told  her  how 
he  defied  the  court  martial,  and  Lucinda  said  to  him  : 

"•  You  are  a  most  fearless  hero  ;  it  is  a  miracle  how  you 
have  escaped  ;  but  Providence  seems  to  favor  us,  for  which 
I  pray  and  thank  God  without  ceasing." 

"You  are  an  angel !  "  replied  he  ;  "but  I  knew  what  I 
was  doing  when  I  defied  them.  You  know,  my  precious 
darling,  I  have  always  told  you  that  I  had  unbounded  con- 
fidence in  the  'people  ;  and  when  I  saw  that  the  court  house 
was  crowded  with  spectators,  I  felt  secure,  because  I  knew 
that  I  would  be  able  to  make  firm  friends  of  nearly  every 
one  of  them.  It  was  my  speech  that  saved  my  life  and 
won  the  battle  so  easily." 

"  How  so,  my  love  V  "  said  she.  "  I  cannot  see  that,  be- 
cause they  found  you  guilty  and  ordered  you  to  be  shot  at 
ten  o'clock  this  morning  !  " 

"Just  so,  my  angel,  but  don't  you  see  that  the  soldiers 
rebelled,  and  would  not  shoot  me  ;  and  my  speech  caused  a 
crowd  to  lynch  every  one  of  the  com^t  martial  that  voted 
for  my  conviction !  "  responded  he. 

"  You  are  my  great  hero,  and  I  can  only  thank  God  for 
again  being  with  you,  safe  and  sound,"  said  she. 

They  sat  for  several  hours  in  deep  conversation  concern- 
ing the  things  with  which  the  reader  is  familiar. 

The  war  was  now  literally  at  an  end,  and  the  officers 
and  leaders  of  the  conspirators  made  themselves  very 
scarce ;  not  that  they  dreaded  the  Naturalists  so  much, 
but  they  feared  their  own  people  more,  who  were  just 
beginning  to  find  out  how  they  had  been  humbugged  for 
so  many,  many  years,  by  the  false  representations  that 
were  made  by  the  conspirators. 

These  orthodox  conspirators   had   always  represented 


372  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OP    1900;   OR, 

Dr.  Juno  ns  one  of  th^e  worst,  lewd,  low  criminal  men 
living,  whilst  the  shoe  was  on  the  other  foot.  He  was  the 
very  man  who  ought  to  have  been  brought  forward  by 
these  professed  saints,  who  took  upon  themselves  to  guard 
the  welfare  of  the  nation,  when  it  is  being  proved  by  un- 
impeachable testimony  that  tliey  were  the  very  ones  who 
bankrupted  body,  soul,  spirit,  church,  state  and  finance. 

Their  house  was  founded  upon  the  sand,  and  the  rain  of 
shot  and  shell,  and  the  storm  that  the  loorking  people  have 
produced,  caused  their  infamous  temple  to  fall,  and  yreai 
was  the  fall  of  it. 

Dr.  Juno  published  a  brief  order,  stating  that  his  gene- 
rals would  attend  to  the  disposal  of  the  armies  that  were 
at  that  place,  whilst  he  would  journey  East,  and  when 
home  in  Philadelphia,  he  would  issue  his  Proclamation  of 
Peace. 

He  took  two  regiments  of  picked  Naturalists  as  an  es- 
cort with  him  ;  but  he  had  something  else  in  his  mind's 
eye  besides  escort,  which  was  to  settle  tlie  long  standing 
account  with  the  lucre-tyrants  and  sanctimonious  demons 
who  had  persecuted  and  robbed  him  of  all  his  rights  for 
years. 

The  axe  shortly  fell  upon  the  necks  of  the  guilty  parties, 
as  will  be  seen  as  we  pass  on. 


CHAPTER  XCIV. 

DR.  JTJNO'S  ASTOUXDIXG  PEACE  PROCLAMATIO>r. 

0  all  the  People  of  the  United  States  of  America : — 
The  Naturalists  and  working  people  have  gained 
the  victory  over  the  orthodox  community,  which 
will  cause  an  entire  change  in  this  era  of  Chris- 
tian Reformation.    It  behooves  me,  therefore,  to  issue 

this,  my 

Proclamation  of  Peace  : 

Firstly— ll\iQ  enemy  has  surrendered  his  entire  army  and 


THE   COXSPIRATOES   AND    LOVERS.  373 

navy,  and  thus  the  war  is  ended,  and  I  pray  that  a  perma- 
nent peace  may  speedily  come  ;  but  this  cannot  be  until 
every  man  and  woman  has  complied  with  the  demands 
which  an  outraged  fixed  law  and  an  unchangeable  Creator 
require  ;  and  therefore  I  proclaim  and  command  that  all 
tlie  wealth  in  the  land  shall  be  placed  into  the  treasury  of 
the  Naturalists.  All  persons  must  deposit  all  their  money 
and  valuables  in  the  treasury,  for  wliich  they  will  receive 
deeds,  and  after  the  new  constitution  is  drawn  up  they  will 
learn  the  workings  of  the  new  Christian  government. 
This  is  peremptory,  and  failure  to  comply  is  death. 

Secondly— As  money-worshipping  has  been  the  great  sin 
and  ruination  of  nations,  and  as  the  owners  oi  filthy  lucre, 
or  its  equivalent,  are  compelled  to  give  it  all  to  the  trea- 
sury, out  of  which  they  will  be  supplied  with  things  as 
"they  have  need  of;"  and  as  these  owners  of  valuables 
have  sinned  by  so  possessing  what  is  for  the  good  of  all,  so 
likewise  you,  the  poor  people,  have  sinned  by  indulging  in 
luihealthy  habits,  such  as  rum,  tobacco,  medicines,  pro 
fanity,  licentiousness,  and  so  forth  ;  therefore,  you  are 
equally  compelled  to  give  up  your  sinning  or  die  ! 

The  debauched,  however,  will  soon  die  from  disease ; 
famine  and  pestilence  will  wipe  tliem  away,  whicli  may 
save  us  the  annoyance  of  shooting  them,  if  stubborn  and 
rebellious. 

Thirdly — All  the  public  buildings  will  hastily  be  turned 
into  institutions  of  instruction,  wherein  the  weak-minded 
ones  will  be  placed  and  so  treated  and  cared  for  as  to  give 
tliem  sound  sensibilities.  Each  person  must  now  "-earn 
his  and  her  food  by  the  sweat  of  tlie  brow."  Idleness  shall 
be  a  felony,  and  determined  and  persistent  stubbornness 
and  rebellion  against  the  new  order  of  things  shall  be  pun- 
ished by  shooting  the  miscreant. 

Obedience  and  submission  to  fixed  law  or  deatli  is  the 
edict,  and  I  shall  liave  this  executed  with  as  little  com- 
punction as  I  had  when  I  sliot  the  prisoners. 

Fourthly— luti  all  comprehend  that  the  old  order  of  things 


374  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

is  no  more.  From  the  President  of  the  United  States 
down  to  the  smallest  public  officer,  they  have  all  been  re- 
moved with  the  close  of  the  war,  and  must  now  be  esteemed 
as  loorking  people. 

Each  man,  woman  and  youth  must  do  his  or  her  share  of 
work,  which  will  be  simply  two  or  three  hours'  daily  recre- 
ation, that  is  necessary  for  the  development  and  preserva- 
tion of  a  sound  mind  in  a  sound  body  ! 

Fifthly — The  peoi)le  at  large  have  learned  through  this 
war  that  the  Naturalists'  soldiers  were  healed  without 
medicines :  therefore  they  may  know  that  the  Christian 
manner  of  "healing  the  sick  "  is  the  only  right  one  ;  hence 
medicines,  fashions  and  all  artificial  and  useless  things 
must  be  abolished  instantly  !  The  only  fashion  admissible 
shall  be  to  learn  and  obey  the  fixed  injunctions  of  the  Crea- 
tor, and  grow  and  remain  natural ! 

Sirihly — Self  and  selfishness  for  mere  isolated  gratifica- 
tion shall  be  treated  as  a  virulent  disease,  and  such  invalids 
must  instantly  be  placed  into  the  institutions  of  instruc- 
tion until  healed,  or  remain  there  for  life.  I  do  not  wish 
to  be  understood  that  you  should  not  take  care  of  yourself, 
— this  you  must  do,  no  one  can  do  it  for  you, — but  you  shall 
not  be  jealous,  overbearing  and  hold  usable  things  for 
yourself  alone. 

Seventhly— T\\Q  deacons  of  the  Secret  Order  of  ISTaturalists 
understand  all  about  the  new  order  of  government,  and 
they  are  hereby  authorized  all  over  the  Union  to  carry  out 
our  plans.  Foreigners  who  may  arrive  on  our  shores  must 
enter  the  institutions  of  instruction  before  they  can  live  in 
the  United  States,  and  sojourners  from  abroad  must  com\AY 
with  the  new  order  of  things  to  the  letter,  or  they  will  be 
imprisoned  in  the  institutions  of  instruction.  They  are 
po<<itiveIy  forbidden  to  introduce,  or  themselves  use,  on  our 
soil  any  agencies,  or  put  themselves  under  inllueuees,  tliat 
are  prohibited  by  this  proclamation  and  the  new  constitu- 
tion ! 

Ei(jhlhly —Viion  these  conditio::s  alone  can  peace  come 


THE   CONSPIRATOKS   AND   LOVERS.  375 

to  the  hearth  and  homes  of  the  people  of  the  United 
States. 

Further,  no  one  shall  be  permitted,  under  the  penalty  of 
death,  to  destroy  or  remove  valuables  from  the  United 
States.  I  argue  that  as  long  as  this  nation  did  not  know 
how  to  take  care  of  itself,  it  is  necessary  that  it  be  taken 
care  of  by  enforcing  God's  fixed  laws,  wliich  shall  be  es- 
teemed as  monarch,  and  individuals  shall  only  be  permitted 
to  be  free  and  do  as  tliey  please  so  long  as  they  please  to  do 
right,  wliich  right  is  alone  found  to  exist  in  leading  natu- 
ral, godly,  Christ-like  lives. 

Ninthly  —Those  who  do  not  understand  how  to  act  will 
be  esteemed  good  citizens  by  instantly  applying  for  infor- 
mation to  any  of  the  Secret  Order  of  Naturalists,  wliich  are 
everywhere  in  operation,  but  whicli  were  not  known  here- 
tofore ;  however,  they  will  from  this  day  display  their  ban- 
ners and  open  their  doors  for  giving  information. 

Tenthly — Provisions,  clothing,  tenements,  and  all  neces- 
sary things  shall  from  this  day  be  supplied  to  each  as  they 
need,  and  no  one  shall  usurp  more  than  his  or  her  necessi- 
ties demand,  under  the  penalty  of  being  imprisoned  in  the 
Institutions  of  instruction.  Those  who  voluntarily  apply 
for  admission  into  said  institutions  of  instruction  shall  be 
permitted  to  leave  when  they  please ;  but  those  who  are 
placed  forcibly  therein  shall  be  esteemed  as  prisoners,  who 
cannot  leave  until  their  cases  are  investigated,  and  are 
granted  permission  to  leave. 

Persons  escaping  from  the  institutions  of  instruction 
"who  were  prisoners  shall  be  punished  by  death. 

In  conclusion,  I  can  but  say  that  we  shall  prevent  dis- 
eases and  sins  by  rigid  punisliment  of  those  who  violate 
God's  fixed  laws,  wlien  fewer  will  suffer  and  die  fexcept  of 
old  age)  than  by  the  barbarovis  old  orthodox  manner,  where 
every  one  was  free  to  violate  God's  law,  and  if  that  violator 
was  mean  and  sellish  enough  to  hoard  np  Here  could  thereby 
create  unnatural  statute  laws,  build  p.risoiis  and  inflict  in- 
srdt  upon  iiiiiiiv,  and  all  this  to  the  subversion  of  the  whole 


376  tup:  social  war  of  1900;  or, 

race  of  mankind.  All  the  newspapers  shall  publish  this 
proclamation,  and  shall  cease  to  be  published  by  any  one 
except  selected  Naturalists. 

Given  this day  of ,  19—,  by 

Victor  Juno. 

N.  B. — Be  it  kno\^^l  to  all  men  that  God  is  a  dictator, 
and  we  who  are  His  faithful  children  must  likewise  dictate 
to  those  who  are  in  bondage  to  fashions,  follies,  vices  and 
profligacies ;  but  I  hope  and  pray  tliat  the  day  is  not  far  dis- 
tant when  every  rational  creature  will  worship  God  by  vol- 
untary obedience  to  His  unalterable  mandates,  when  indeed 
the  Millennium  will  be  established,  a  new  Eden  be  created, 
where  pristine  beauty  and  innocence  will  reign  supreme, 
and  love  to  God  and  man  become  tlie  only  statute  of  the 
earth.  V.  J. 


CHAPTER  XCV. 

DR.  JUNO  WITH  HIS  PICKED  SOLDIERS  BRANDS  THE 
PHARISEES. 

i|T  is  a  long  lane  that  has  no  turn,  and  whilst  the 
proprietors  of  the  daily  Pliiladelphia  newspapers 
have  had  everything  their  own  way  for  many 
years,  having  maliciously  libelled  Dr.  Juno  and 
shut  him  out  of  the  advertising  columns  of  tliese  public  or- 
gans, to  wliich  all  citizens  have  a  right ;  in  other  words, 
they  might  as  well  have  gone  to  his  safe  and  robbed  it  as  to 
rob  him  of  the  right  of  advertising  his  lawful  business, 
whilst  they  could  continually  publish  lies  of  the  vilest 
character  about  him,  but,  at  last  the  tables  are  turned. 

Again,  the  Young  Men's  Association  had  him  arrested 
and  cast  into  prison,  whilst  those  Avho  were  dependant 
upon  liim  suffered  agony,  the  judges  and  ring  officials  all 
chimed  in  with  the  newspaper  and  Sabbatarian  conspira- 
tors ;  hence,  he  arrested  every  one  of  these  people,  male 
and  female,  and  had  them  imprisoned  in  the  same  prison 


THE    CONSPIRATORS    AND    LOVERS.  377 

where  they  had  him  incavcerated  years  before,  and  as  the 
tables  were  now  lieing  completely  turned,  he  considered  it 
his  duty  to  disgrace  them  for  their  deep-dyed  hypocrisy 
and  low  conduct ;  therefore,  he  did  not  shoot  them,  but 
after  retaining  them  in  prison  for  several  months,  until  he 
had  drawn  up  and  published  the  new  constitution,  he  took 
them  out  into  the  large  park,  and  in  presence  of  the 
multitude  branded  them  on  their  foreheads  in  the  follow- 
ing words : 

"  Bloody  conspirator  ;  shun  him  like  a  reptile,  or  die !  " 

Dr.  Juno,  previous  to  indelibly  branding  these  vipers, 
made  the  following  speech  to  the  people,  after  forming  a 
large  circle  by  his  soldiers,  the  vipers  standing  in  a  group 
in  the  centre,  and  the  speaker  in  front  of  them  on  an  ele- 
vated platform  : 

'■'■  Friends  and  Fellow  Citizens: — I  do  not  glory  in  the 
downfall  of  a  sinner,  or  of  an  enemy ;  but,  when  we  study 
God  and  His  wonderful  works  and  fixed  laws,  we  can 
readily  ascertain  what  is  our  duty,  even  though  that  duty 
may  not  be  a  pleasantry. 

"•  I  would  much  rather  see  a  sinner  and  an  enemy  repent 
and  turn  from  error  to  right  than  punish  him  myself  ;  how- 
ever, God  punishes  all  transgressors,  and  if  we  are  His 
children  and  are  commanded  to  have  dominion  over  the 
things  of  earth,  we  are  compelled  to  punish  those  who 
would,  if  they  could,  lead  the  innocent  and  unsuspecting 
into  the  broad  road  to  hell. 

''  It  becomes  us  to  exhort  a  straying  fellow  creature 
first ;  but,  If  he  is  haughty  and  self-righteous  in  his  course 
of  sinfulness,  then  it  becomes  our  Ch.ristian  duty,  or  call  it 
a  natural  duty,  if  you  jirefer  tliat  expression,  to  punish  or 
disgrace  such  scribe,  pharisee  and  hypocrite. 

"■  Here  you  behold  a  group  of  men  and  women  to  whom 
I  have  appealed  for  years,  in  the  strongest  language  pos- 
sible, to  repent  of  their  degrading  and  haughty  sinfulness, 
but  they  spurned  the  law  of  God  and  the  cause  of  mankind, 
which  I  have  laid  before  them.    They  have  robbed  «s  all 


378  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

of  that  knowledge  and  those  means  by  Avhich  the  people 
niiglit  have  regained  their  natural,  godly,  Christ-like  state 
long  ago  ;  they  have  despised  the  working  people  [applause], 
■whilst  they  have  used  every  cunning  device  to  rob  them  of 
their  hard  earned  money  ;  and  in  the  lofty  guise  of  being 
charitable,  they  gave  thousands  of  dollars  publicly,  of  the 
people's  lucre^  to  their  so-called  charitable  institutions,  to 
show  luito  men  that  they  gave  alms  liberally,  and  with 
this  nourish  of  trumpets  they  advertised  themselves  in  the 
most  heinous  manner,  and  thereby  shut  up  your  eyes, 
wiien  they  could  with  impunity  steal  millions  of  your  hard 
earned  money. 

"Thus,  they  have  made  themselves  lords  of  creation  by 
robbing  you  and  elevating  themselves  to  Closes'  seat,  when 
they  were  the  very  vipers  wliom  Jesus  of  Nazareth  hath  de- 
nounced with  the  most  terrible  curses  !  [Tremendous  ap- 
plause.] These  vipers  have  not  shown  any  sign  of  peni- 
tence ;  and  if  they  liad  it  note  in  their  power,  as  they  have 
had  for  nearly  a  quarter  of  a  century,  they  would  do  the 
same  acts,  and  glory  in  being  the  chosen  <fli(e,  whilst  the 
'  greasy  mechanic,  who  is  not  good  enough  to  wipe  their 
fine  feet  upon,'  as  the  Hon,  (?)  Bluster  Gibbons  said  in  his 
speech  before  the  court  in  which  I  was  tried  and  con- 
victed. [Vociferous  applause.]  Look  at  them  now,  what  a 
scared  set  of  forlorn  and  crime  distinguislied  set  of  sinners 
they  are,  when  shown  up  to  the  '  illiterate,  coarse,  dirty 
working  peojyle /  '  [Enthusiastic  applause.]  Sliould  we  pity 
them  ?  Does  God  pity  such  arch  fiends,  when  he  sends 
them  to  their  own  orthodox  hell,  wliich  they  have  pictured 
and  laid  out  to  you,  for  your  special  benefit,  if  you  do  not 
fall  down  and  wince  like  curs  and  give  them  your  every- 
thing, and  worship  them  for  being  so  generous,  charitable 
and  good  as  to  give  to  the  poor  thousands  V  Their  giving 
has  only  been  a  sham,  a  public  bait,  an  anti-Christ  manner 
of  giving  alms,  yet  these  wretches  usurped  the  name  of 
saints,  of  being  the  chosen  peojile  ;  because  they  were 
wicked,  apt,  shrewd  and  niggardly  enough  t")  hoodwink 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  379 

you,  [Terrific  applause.]  You  who  were  good  enough  to 
pay  the  taxes  which  tliey  saddled  upon  you,  whilst  they 
made  you  believe  that  they,  indeed  they  (V),  paid  the  heavy 
taxes. 

"  Cannot  you  now  see  with  half  sound  senses  that  these 
monsters  were  your  worst  enemies  ;  the  enemies  of  God  ; 
the  mockers  of  Jesus  Christ — see  the  fifth,  sixth,  seventh, 
tenth  and  twenty-third  chapters  of  St.  Matthew  in  the 
New  Testament — and  the  degenerators  and  murderers  of 
pure,  innocent,  defenceless  little  children  V  Yes,  they 
teach  doctrines  so  unnatural  and  heinous,  that  cause  the 
birth  of  innocents  by  haphazard,  who  inlierit  hereditary 
and  congenital  diatlieses  from  the  unliealtliy  state  of  the 
parents  ;  and  wlien  millions  of  sickly  little  lambs  are  called 
to  life,  who  sliould  not  have  seen  the  light  of  day,  they 
dose  and  drug  them,  and  in  one-thousand-and-one  ways 
infringe  upon  God's  fixed  laws,  and  plaster  it  all  over  by 
prayers  and  rhapsodical  speeclies  made  by  their  canting 
preachers.  .[Tlie  applause  at  this  point  was  deafening,  and 
continued  for  minutes.] 

"It  would  be  too  great  a  charity  to  send  these  most 
wicked  wretches  to  their  long  account ;  so  I  propose  to 
brand  them  indelibly  on  tlieir  foreheads  and  cheeks 
with  this  instrument,  which  I  had  prepared  for  all  such 
sinners,  and  I  shall  order  the  execution  of  its  decree. 

"  This  shall  be  esteemed  an  everlasting  and  the  greatest 
disgrace  that  can  befall  a  creature.  The  decree  is  this ; 
'  Bloody  conspirator  ;  shun  him  like  a  reptile,  or  die  '. ' 

"  Sliould,  in  course  of  time,  any  of  these  wretches  prove 
worthy  to  have  this  stigma  removed,  I  will  cause  a  coun- 
tersign, which,  when  planted  across  this,  will  redeem  them 
from  the  odium  that  this  l)rands  them  with,  when  they 
shall  be  looked  upon  as  working  people. 

"In  conclusion,  let  all  take  warning  how  they  disregard 
the  voice  of  God  and  the  Naturalists,  and  with  heartfelt 
sympathy  for  each  according  to  the  deeds  done  in  past 
days,  I  now  order  the  officers  to  brand  each  one  of  these 


380  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

.persons  on  this  elevated  stand  so  that  all  may  see  the  work 
executed."    [Great  applause.] 

The  baldeagle  proprietor  of  the  "Oracle"  was  the  first 
man  who  had  the  dose  administered.  He  looked  sheepish 
enough,  and  some  of  the  spectators  cried  aloud  : 

"  Dob  him  on  his  bald  head  !  "—"Give  him  a  double  dose, 
tliere  is  sufficient  room  on  tiiat  glossy  and  hardened 
scalp  I " 

These  remarks  caused  immense  mirth,  which  seemed  to 
be  a  liard  i)iU  to  take  for  the  fellow  wlio  had  lived  like  a 
nabob  in  a  one  hundred  thousand  dollar  castle,  every  cent 
of  which  was  wrung  out  of  the  working  jjeople's  pockets. 
When  tliey  were  all  branded,  Dr.  Juno  entered  again  upon 
tlie  stand,  and  said : 

"  I  order  that  these  people  will  be  taken  back  to  prison, 
and  kept  there  until  I  see  how  the  new  order  of  things 
works." 

They  were  now  marclied  to  Moyamensing,  the  band  fol- 
lowing in  their  rear  playing  the  "  llogues'  March." 


CHAPTER  XCYI. 

DISPOSAL  OF  XANCY  CLOVER  AXD  COMPANY,  AND  PRE- 
rAUATION  FOR  THE  31ARRIAGE  OF  VICTOR  AND 
LUCIXDA. 

T  will  be  remembered  that  Dr.  Juno  and  ^liss  Lu- 
cinda  Armington's  wedding  has  been  three  times 
interrupted.  The  last  time  Nancy  Clover  shot 
Dr.  Juno  just  as  the  minister  was  about  to  pro- 
nounce the  ceremony  ;  and  in  sootli,  it  was  eacli  time  tlie 
work  of  the  bloody  conspirators,  therefore,  to  make  sure  of 
it  this  time,  Dr.  Juno  had  Xancy  Clover,  Deacon  Rob  Slew, 
Dr.  Toy  Fancy  and  tlie  physician-in-chief  of  the  insane 
asylum  hunted  up  and  brought  before  him  for  trial. 
Several  of  i\\v\\\  were  uud;r  Iicavy  boiid.-;  wlien  the  war 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  381 

broke  out,  but  of  course  nothing  could  be  done  then  ;  how- 
ever, now  came  tlie  hour  of  their  discontent.  Tlie  llev. 
Joe  Pier  was  formerly  one  of  the  associates  of  these  leading 
conspirators,  but  he  was  not  a  bad  man  at  heart.  Circum- 
stances, associations  and  tlie  want  of  money  to  supply  his 
material  wants  drove  him  into  this  work  of  the  devil,  and 
it  is  known  to  the  reader  that  lie  repented  and  turned  a 
Naturalist  the  first  opportunity  that  convinced  him  of  a 
surety  of  protection  from  these  bloody  conspirators. 

When  Dr.  Juno  had  found  the  forenamed  persons,  he 
ordered  their  imprisonment  until  he  could  summon  all  the 
victims  of  these  sweet  saints  (V),  who  proved  to  consist  of 
General  Harry  Gossimer,  Miss  Lucinda  Armington  and 
father,  Pat  O 'Conner,  Judy  McCrea,  Jemmy,  Mr.  Grumb- 
ler, Rev.  Joe  Pier  and  Dr.  Juno  himself. 

The  day  of  trial  was  appointed.  Dr.  Victor  Juno  acting 
as  j  udge,  and  when  the  holy  elect,  Nancy  Clover,  Deacon 
Rob  Stew,  Dr.  Toy  Pancy  and  the  physician-in-chief  were 
arraigned  they  were  thunderstruck  to  behold  Harry  Gossi- 
mer ! 

The  lovely  Sister  Nancy  Clover  fainted  dead  away  when 
she  was  brought  face  to  face  with  Harry  Gossimer,  and 
Deacon  Rob  Stew  stood,  with  eyes  and  mouth  wide  open, 
looking  as  if  he  really  thought  the  spirit  or  ghost  of  tlie 
drowned  Harry  Gossimer  stood  before  him  ;  so  also  thought 
Nancy  Clover,  Avho  fainted  three  times  in  succession  ;  the 
two  physicians  had  more  nerve,  therefore  could  bear  the 
sight  of  their  victim. 

When  these  elect  sinners  were  restored  to  their  senses. 
Dr.  Juno  said : 

"Nancy  Clover,  Rob  Stew,  Toy  Pancy  and  physician  of 
the  insane  asylum,  stand  up.  Yon  are  charged  with  con- 
spiracy, murder  and  crime  of  all  characters,  what  say  you, 
guilty  or  not  guilty  V  " 

"■  Not  guilty,"  responded  each  one  of  them. 

The  witnesses  were  now  regidarly  examined  and  cross-, 
examined  by  counsels  on  both  sides.    Tlie  testimony  of 


382  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;    OR, 

General  Gossimer  and  Rev.  Joe  Pier  was  soul-stirring,  but 
the  rest  was  less  to  the  point,  although  General  Armington 
and  his  daughter  Lucinda  exposed  some  deep  villany  with 
whicli  the  reader  is  already  familiar. 

Gen.  Harry  Gossimer,  sworn. 

Dr.  Jwjio.— General  Gossimer,  do  you  know  the  prisoners 
at  the  bar  V 

-4n«w)er.— Yes,  sir,  to  my  sorrow  and  to  their  disgrace. 

^.—Please  state  what  you  consider  a  few  of  the  worst 
things  that  you  know  of  them. 

A.— I  became  a  member  of  what  was  known  to  its  mem- 
bers only  as  the  Sacredly  Secret  Conclave  in  the  month  of 
January,  18—.  Mr.  Rob  Stew  and  Nancy  Clover  were  the 
leading  conspirators.  All  the  members  had  to  take  a  ter- 
rible iron-clad  oath,  which  was  known  as  the  solemn  oath. 
[The  reader  is  familiar  with  it.] 

The  object  of  this  Sacredly  Secret  Conclave  was  to  banish 
or  murder  everybody  who  would  oppose  the  peculiar  old 
school  or  orthodox  religion.  They  styled  tliemselves  the 
"elect,"  and  as  such  could  not  sin,  but  claimed  to  have  a 
perfect  licence  to  persecute  everybody  who  entertained  dif- 
ferent views  to  them. 

This  conclave  was  nothing  more  or  less  than  a  bloody 
conspiracy,  and  was  inaugurated  for  the  special  purpose  of 
murdering  our  Father  here, — Dr.  Juno.  I  know  this,  be- 
cause, on  a  certain  meeting  night,  when  all  the  prisoners 
wore  present  and  co-operated,  I  was  constrained  to  object 
to  a  certain  murdering  i)lot,  when  this  Deacon  Stew,  in- 
stantly ordered  my  arrest,  and  I  v/as  at  once  cast  into  a 
dungeon,  and  the  same  evening  Avas  convicted,  without  be- 
ing present  at  the  mock  trial,  and  after  they  had  concluded 
tlie  same  (what  happened  the  Rev.  Joe  Pier  can  tell  you, 
wliowas  then  their  president),  I  was  ordered  before  them, 
when  the  i)resident  read  me  a  lecture  and  sentenced  me  to 
be  drowned  or  hung  for  my  audacity  in  refusing  to  counte- 
nance the  murder  of  Victor  Juno,  the  honorable  judge 
upon  the  bench. 


THE   CONSPIEATORS   AND   LOVERS.  383 

I  was  taken  to  the  river  and  was  drowned,  as  tliey 
thought,  but  the  noble  Pat  CConner  saved  rny  life,  and  I 
am  here  safe  and  sound.    [The  reader  knows  particulars,] 

Cross-examine. 

Counsel  for  Defendants. — Mr.  Gossimer,  are  you  certain 
that  every  one  of  the  prisoners  was  present  and  counte- 
nanced what  you  have  related  ? 

A. — I  am  most  positive. 

Q. — Have  you  not  been  insane  some  years  ago,  and  is  this 
not  one  of  your  peculiar  imaginings  ? 

^.—Better  let  Rev.  Joe  Pier  and  Pat  O'Conner  answer, 
if  they  are  "  peculiar  imaginings." 

C.for  Z>'s.— That  will  do,  that  will  do. 

Rev.  Joe  Pier,  sworn. 

Br.  Juno. — Mr.  Pier,  give  us  briefly  what  you  know  of  the 
prisoners  at  the  bar,  and  also  state  if  what  Gen.  Gossimer 
said  is  false  or  true. 

A. — It  is  scarcely  necessary  for  me  to  make  a  long  state- 
ment concerning  the  motives  and  acts  of  the  Sacredly  Se- 
cret Conclave.  It  is  only  necessary  for  me  to  say  that 
every  word  that  General  Harry  Gossimer  hassaidis<?'we,and 
a  thousand  worse  things  liave  Ibeen  compelled  to  hear  and 
see  ;  and  Rob  Stew  invariably  threatened  me  with  a  horri- 
ble death  should  I  fail  to  carry  out  and  enforce  his  heinous 
work  !  He  and  Xancy  Clover  have  been  too  domineering 
and  wicked,  whilst  these  two  doctors  were  always  ready  to 
execute  their  nefarious  commands.  All  tliat  Mr.  Stew  and 
Miss  Clover  had  to  do  was  to  propose  a  criminal  plot,  wlien 
these  prisoners  were  ready  to  act ;  thus  was  Dr.  Juno  to  be 
poisoned  on  several  occasions,  and  the  villanies  which  they 
continually  concocted  were  legion. 

Cross-examine. 

C.  for  D's. — Mr.  Pier,  did  you  not  act  in  concert  Avith 
the  prisoners  at  the  bar  in  the  "legion  of  villanies,"  and 
are  you  guileless  in  having  concocted  any  criminal  i)lots  V 

A. — I  am  not  on  trial ;  but  if  it  is  any  gratification  to 
you  or  your  clients,  I  will  say  tliat  from  fear  of  being  assas- 


384  THE   SOCIAL    WAR   OF    lUOO;    OR, 

sinated  bj'  them,  or  being  discovered  and  overpowered  by 
others,  I  did  connive  with  them,  and  did  also  my  best  to 
invent  anything  to  save  myself  from  being  sent  lience  with 
all  my  sins  upon  my  liead  !  But  the  first  opportunity  I 
had  I  repented  and  joined  the  Naturalists  ;  and  our  heroic 
Father — Dr.  Juno — has  several  times  offered  the  same  op- 
portunity and  privilege  to  the  prisoners  at  the  bar.  but  they 
spurned  his  beneficent  overtures.  1  liope,  however,  that  he 
will  yet  permit  your  clients  to  repent,  and  if  he  does,  I  pray 
them  to  accept  the  hour  of  grace. 

C.  for  B's.—l  did  not  ask  you  to  preach  a  sermon  to  my 
clients. 

^.— But  you  cannot  say  tliat  they  don't  need  it,  and  it 
would  not  be  the  first  one,  nor  the  first  time  that  I  gave 
them  good  advice,  which,  however,  they  always  spurned. 

C.  for  D's. — I  have  no  objections,  should  my  clients  wish 
to  repent  and  join  the  Naturalists,  for  I  am  myself  an  ad- 
vocate of  Nature  and  Nature's  God. 

Dr.  Juno. — I  am  willing  and  ready  to  hear  from  the  pris- 
oners themselves  on  this  topic,  and  if  they  are  heartily 
penitent,  I  may  require  only  probationary  training  in  the 
West  Philadelphia  Institution  of  Instruction. 

Bob  Stew  said  : 

"  I  spurn  any  such  propositions  ;  I  am  no  coward,  and  I 
■will  die  by  my  faith." 

"  Ditto,"  ejaculated  Nancy  Clover. 

Tiie  two  pliysicians  remained  silent.  After  all  the  wit- 
nesses were  heard,  Dr.  Juno  said  to  the  members  of  the 
Naturalists,  who  were  all  inside  of  the  circle  made  for 
them  : 

"  Brothers,  how  say  you,  are  these  prisoners  at  the  bar 
guilty  ?    Ail  who  feel  that  way  will  rise  to  their  feet." 

They  all  arose,  when  Dr.  Juno  said,  in  a  firm  voice  : 

'^  Friends,  you  behold  before  you  my  worst  persecutors, 
a  i)arcel  of  Satan's  own  band,  who  are  hardened  beyond 
exi)ression.  They  deserve  death  without  mercy ;  but,  as 
war  is  over,  and  as  we  can  make  excellent  use  of  them,  I 


THE   CONSPIRATORS    AXD   LOVERS.  385 

order  that  they  be  branded  with  our  disgracing  motto  on 
their  foreheads,  cheelcs,  arms,  legs,  feet,  trunk,  and  each 
one  have  the  letters  B  and  C  cut  through  their  ears  ;  after 
this  is  done,  they  shall  all  four  be  imprisoned  for  life  m 
one  room,  unless  /  pardon  them,  where  they  shall  work 
four  hours  a  day,  and  be  kept  as  a  free  show  to  all  tlie 
world." 

When  these  prisoners  were  removed  from  free  soil.  Dr. 
Juno  and  Miss  Armington  appointed  the  day  for  the  long 
and  often  postponed  nuptials.  This  time  nothing  marred 
the  consummation  of  the  pleasing  function. 


CHAPTER  XCVII. 

THE  WEDDING. 

[N  Friday  (which  was  always  the  lucky  day  of 

Dr.  Juno),  the  fourth  day  of  .  19 — ,  was 

set  apart  for  the  wedding  day  of  Victor  and 
Lucinda,  and  all  the  Naturalists,  or  working 
people  (hereafter,  the  Naturalists  and  working  people 
mean  the  same)  were  invited ;  but  no  others  were  permit- 
ted to  be  present. 

This  was  done  as  a  precautionary  measure,  because  Dr. 
Juno  had  learned  to  guard  himself  more  closely  than  of 
yore  ;  moreover,  just  then  there  were  many  xniconverted 
persons  living  everywhere  who  would  have  delighted  to 
molest  or  kill  either  him  or  his  betrothed  wife. 

Many  people  were  of  the  opinion  that  this  would  be  a 
grand  carnival,  because  money  was  plenty  with  both  Gene- 
ral Armington  and  Dr.  Juno ;  but  this  was  not  the  case. 
Nothing  unnatural  or  unnecessary  was  done  or  pre- 
feented  ;  still,  every  one  was  made  happy  and  satisfied  by 
the  cordial  welcome  that  all  received  at  the  hands  of  their 
hosts. 
The  best  and  plenty  of  healthy  food  was  ready  at  all 
25 


886  THE  SOCIAL   WAR  OF   1900;   OR, 

hours,  and  everything  that  was  pleasing  and  enjoyable  to 
a  natural  person  was  to  be  had  ;  but  no  artificial  beverages, 
nor  gross  dishes,  neither  tobacco  was  seen  there  ;  in  sooth, 
tliese  things  were  not  craved  by  the  Naturalists,  and  al- 
tliough  some  of  the  new  meml)ers  of  the  novel  order  of 
things  had  been  but  recently  inveterate  habitual  indulgers 
in  riotous  living — using  tobacco,  rum,  condiments  and  so 
forth  ;  but  the  famous  teachings  of  Dr.  Juno,  and  the  per- 
emptory orders  to  the  people  to  desist  totally  from  the  use 
of  such  things,  inspired  them  with  liigher  joys  and  loftier 
ambitions  than  tippling,  gluttony  and  money-getting. 

The  idea  of  getting  money  to  purchase  imaginary  wants, 
unhealthy  agencies  and  which  cause  diseases,  had  already 
been  exchanged  for  love  to  God  and  mankind. 

And  the  guests  at  this  wedding  saw  that  to  live  for  one 
another,  for  love,  and  to  be  treated  as  if  they  were  all  one 
family,  was  an  incentive  of  greater  power  than  orthodoxy 
could  furnish.  It  seemed  on  this  occasion  as  though  every 
one  was  inspired  with  the  Holy  Ghost.  They  had  the  ex- 
ample set  them  by  their  Father,  and,  was  to  be,  Mother— 
Dr.  Juno  and  Miss  Armington.  They  all  loved  and  re- 
spected the  happy  couple  for  their  great  achievements,  and 
when  they  saw  that  these  heroic  reformers  lived  to  make 
all  mankind  sound  and  happy,  they  praised  God  from  the 
abundance  of  their  hearts,  to  think  that  the  spirit  of 
righteousness,  the  spirit  of  Christ  and  spirit  of  God, 
dwelled  in  the  leaders  of  this  new  era. 

Truly,  the  Millennium  dawn  and  the  second  appearing 
of  Christ  were  being  made  manifest ;  all  were  happy  in  the 
spirit ;  all  felt  joy  in  the  gratification  of  the  thinking  fac- 
ulties, which  gave  them  power  to  control  the  lower  pro- 
pensities, and  they  were  in  "one  place  with  one  accord  ;  " 
verily,  the  doctrines  of  Christ  seemed  to  have  become 
natural,  and  nothing  was  craved  but  the  desire  to  make 
each  other  happy. 

This  was  a  delightful  state  of  affairs,  and  it  only  went 
to  prove  that  it  is  as  easy  to  do  right,  under  physiological 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND    LOVERS.  387 

or  natural  circumstances,  as  it  is  to  do  wrong,  under  arti- 
ficial and  diseased  circumstances. 

Under  tlie  unpliysiological  orthodox  circimistances, 
swearing  came  naturally  to  young  and  old,  without  requir- 
ing public,  private  or  Sunday  schools ;  whilst,  under  the 
genuine  Christ-like  or  natural  circumstances,  praises  and 
intuitive  prayers  come  naturally,  and  eloquent  inspiration 
from  the  fountain-head  of  Jehovah  teaches  all  to  speak 
as  with  cloven  tongues  that  which  is  necessary  to  be 
spoken. 

The  hour  had  arrived  for  the  nuptial  ceremony  to  be 
performed ;  the  minister  announced  it,  and  all  arose  to 
their  feet,  and  with  reverence  listened  to  the  elo- 
quent words  of  the  Progressive  apostle,  as  he  spoke  as 
follows : 

"Dearly  Beloved  in  the  Lord : — It  hath  again  pleased  the 
Lord  of  hosts  to  permit  us  to  meet  together  in  peace  and 
spiritual  communion."  And  although  our  beloved  hosts 
have  gone  through  many  fires,  yet  have  they  ever  been 
guided  by  the  infallible  hand  of  God,  whose  fixed  laws  are 
always  a  safe  guide  to  the  people  of  His  heritage. 

"  We  have  gathered  together  on  this  delightful  occasion 
to  join  this  man  and  woman  in  holy  matrimony,  which  is 
commanded  by  the  highest  ordinance  of  the  Creator  ;  but 
it  is  not  a  function  that  should  be  lightly  or  unadvisedly 
entered  ;  but  reverently,  discreetly,  soberly  and  physiologi- 
cally, in  the  fear  of  committing  new  sins,  provided  the  ap- 
plicants for  these  holy  orders  were  not  fitted  physically 
and  mentally  to  propagate  their  kind  in  the  image  of 
God. 

"  If  any  man  can  show  any  defect  in  either  this  man  or 
woman,  or  just  cause  why  they  may  not  la'wfully  be  joined 
together,  let  him  now  speak,  or  else  hereafter  hold  his 
peace. 

"  Victor  Juno,  wilt  thou  have  this  woman  to  be  thy 
wedded  wife,  to  live  together  so  long  as  ye  both  shall 
live  ?  " 


388  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900;   OR, 

"I  will,"  responded  Victor. 

"  Lucinda  Armington,  wilt  thou  have  this  man  to  be  thy 
wedded  husband,  to  live  together  so  long  as  ye  both  shall 
live  't» " 

"  I  will,"  responded  Lucinda. 

"Inasmuch  as  it  has  pleased  Almighty  God  to  grant 
unto  this  man  and  woman  the  talent,  the  health  and  the 
understanding  of  his  fixed  laws  ;  and  inasmuch  as  this  man 
and  woman  have  come  here  to  be  joined  together  for  fure 
love  for  each  other  as  man  and  wife,  I  now  pronounce  the 
holy  ordinance :  '  What,  therefore,  God  hath  joined  to- 
gether let  no  man  put  asunder. ' 

"  Let  us  all  pray.  Father  of  mercies,  and  Giver  of  all 
necessary  things,  we  praise  Thy  hallowed  name  for  having 
made  us  in  Thine  own  blessed  image.  We  worship  Thee 
by  obedience  to  Thy  fixed  mandates,  and  we  glorify  Thy 
name  for  the  munificent  gifts  that  heaven  and  earth  be- 
stow upon  Thy  faithful  children.  And,  O  Lord,  we  thank 
Thee  for  having  given  us  this  man  and  woman  as  exem- 
plars for  Thy  people.  May  they  live  long  on  Thy  footstool, 
and  bless  the  nations  with  that  knowledge  of  Thy  kingdom 
which  surpasses  all  sinful  understanding.  And  to  Thee 
be  all  the  power  and  the  glory  forever.    Amen." 

At  this  point,  Pat  O'Conner  and  Judy  McCrea  came 
modestly  forward,  hand  in  hand,  and  Pat  said  : 

"  May  It  plaze  yer  Riverence  tow  do  they  same  tow  us  ?  " 

This  caused  a  laugh  throughout  the  assemblage,  but  the 
minister  obeyed  the  solicitation,  and  Pat  and  Judy  were 
equally  happy. 

Thus  ended  the  nuptials  of  two  faithful  couple,  and  Vic- 
tor and  Lucinda  seemed  to  have  a  brilliant  crown  of  glory 
surrounding  their  heads.  The  happy  couple  were  now 
taken  by  the  hand  by  all  present,  and  were  congratulated 
with  all  sorts  of  expressions,  from  the  most  eloquent  eulo- 
gies to  silent  tears  ;  the  latter  spoke  with  double  emphasis. 
Indeed,  all  things  seemed  to  work  together  for  good,  be- 
cause all  loved  the  Lord  in  a  practical  manner,  and  a 


THE  CONSPIRATOES  AND   LOVEES.  389 

crown  of  glory  awaited  every  man  and  woman  in  the  large 
assemblage. 

The  guests  had  commenced  to  congregate  at  nine  o'clock 
in  the  morning,  the  ceremony  was  performed  at  twelve  at 
noon,  and  they  left  at  five  in  the  afternoon,  which  was  all 
in  keeping  with  the  new  order  of  things,  and  which  made 
it  a  day  of  thanksgiving.  Thanks  that  came  from  the 
heart ;  and  not  vain  lip  service,  whilst  the  mind  was  un- 
concerned as  it  is  in  pharisaical  circles. 

Happiness,  the  aim  and  end  of  man,  seemed  to  smile 
upon  Dr.  Juno,  but  all  was  not  permanently  serene  yet. 


CHAPTER  XCYIII. 

FAJIINE  AND  PESTILENCE  COME  TO  THE  AID    OF  THE 
NATURALISTS. 

T  may  be  easily  imagined  that  thousands  of  hard- 
ened, lost  men  and  women  lived  at  that  day, 
when  the  supremacy  of  Nature's  laws  were  in 
the  ascendant ;  and  although  these  people  feared 
Dr.  Juno  worse  than  Satan,  still  they  could  not  yield 
in  their  determination  to  pursue  their  own  downward 
course. 

Famine  first  came,  and  pestilence  next,  to  aid  the  cause 
of  reform,  by  destroying  those  who  led  dissipated  lives, 
who  were  stimulated  and  enervated  by  the  orthodox 
habits.  These  people  died  like  flies  ;  and  as  they  would 
not  accept  the  reformed  hygienic  treatment,  but  persist 
in  employing  stealthily  the  poison  practices  of  medical 
science  (V),  they  passed  away  so  speedily  that  not  a 
remnant  scarcely  was  left  of  them  after  the  pestilence 
raged  a  month  ;  hence  the  path  for  the  Naturalists  was 
cleared  of  all  its  deteriorating  rubbish,  and  the  work  of 
God  and  man  went  exultingly  along. 


390  THE  SOCIAL   WAR   OF   1900;   OR, 

It  may  seem  very  curious  to  orthodox  minds  why  It  was 
that  fcimiue  and  pestilence  should  make  their  appearance 
just  in  the  nick  of  time  to  aid  the  Reformation  I  Some 
may  ask,  did  God  suspend  any  of  His  fixed  laws  for  the 
benefit  of  the  Naturalists,  and  thereby  send  famine  and 
pestilence  y 

We  answer,  No  ;  but  the  earth  has  been  stimulated  for 
centuries,  has  been  forced  by  artificial  means,  the  same  as 
the  orthodox  people,  and  at  last  could  no  more  produce  food, 
nor  give  pure  air  to  its  inhabitants,  who,  instead  of  hold- 
ing dominion  over  everything,  ran  riot ;  thus  were  poison- 
ous gases  continually  generated,  until  both  earth,  atmos- 
phere and  man  became  so  depraved  as  to  cause  rebellion  in 
the  spirit  of  each  ;  hence  war,  famine  and  pestilence  are 
brothers,  and  they  are  caused  by  violations  of  God's  fixed 
laws,  whilst  the  penalty  is  a  natural  result  instead  of  a 
suspension  of  His  immutable  mandates  ! 

Immediately  after  Dr.  Juno  was  married,  and  as  soon  as 
he  had  published  his  new  constitution  to  the  world,  the 
earth  ceased  to  produce  food  for  man  or  beast,  and  nearly 
two  years  of  famine  and  starvation  existed. 

The  Naturalists,  who  live  not  by  "  bread  alone,  but  by 
every  word  that  proceedeth  out  of  the  mouth  of  God,"  had, 
of  course,  the  advantage  over  the  remaining  portion  of  the 
orthodox  people,  who  would  not  be  converted  in  due  season. 
The  former,  who  were  grown  up,  suffered  very  little  for 
the  want  of  food,  because  they  were  comforted  by  the  clear 
understanding  that  this  scarcity  of  food  was  to  be  their 
salvation  ;  but  the  poor  little  children,  whose  systems  Avere 
growing,  and  whose  hunger  therefore  was  very  great,  suf- 
fered avA'f  uUy ;  many  cases  were  heart-rending  in  the  ex- 
treme. 

We  give  a  few  examples  as  illustrations  how  these  little 
angels  suffered  all  over  the  globe.  The  Naturalists'  chil- 
dren suffered  less  than  the  orthodox. 

In  the  New  England  States  you  could  hear  little  children 
cry  for  bread  I    "  Oh,  dear  mamma,  give  me  some  bread  I 


THE  CONSPIRATORS  AND   LOVERS.  391 

Oh,  I  am  so  hungry  ;  I  cannot  live.  Please,  oh,  please  give 
me  some  bread ! "  Mothers  and  fathers  would  eat  the 
poorest  quality  and  smallest  quantity  of  what  little  they 
could  procure,  and  give  the  best  to  their  children. 

A  wealthy  farmer,  who  had  joined  the  Naturalists,  had 
a  large  family  of  little  children,  the  oldest  was  a  son  of 
twelve  summers.  One  morning  they  all  sat  around  their 
table,  which  contained  nothing  except  mouldy  bread. 
These  children,  until  now,  always  had  plenty,  and  when 
the  son  of  twelve  saw  the  mouldy  piece  of  bread  lie  on  his 
plate,  he  looked  at  his  father  disdainfully,  and  said  : 

''  Father,  I  hope  you  do  not  expect  me  to  eat  this  stale 
and  mouldy  bread  ?  " 

When  his  father  seemed  to  turn  pale,  and  flushed  alter- 
nately, which  surprised  the  boy,  when  the  parent  lifted  his 
piece  of  bread  and  said  : 

"  My  son,  I  have  cut  you  and  my  dear  babies  the  best  of 
all  we  have,  look  how  mouldy  and  spoiled  my  piece  is  I " 

This  brought  great  tears  into  the  boy's  eyes,  and  he  said, 
sobbing : 

"Father,  forgive  me,  I  did  not  know  that  we  had  no 
better  ;  I  am  satisfied." 

All  seemed  to  enjoy  their  mouldy  bread  after  this  con- 
versation except  the  father,  who  seemed  to  have  lost  his 
appetite  entirely,  and  when  the  smallest  children,  mere 
babies,  had  eaten  their  portion,  and  saw  that  some  was  left 
by  their  father,  one  asked  : 

"  Papa,  don  you  want  dat  bed  ?  " 

"  No,  my  beloved  babies,"  was  his  reply. 

"Den  give  to  Benny  an  I,"  said  a  little  girl.  The 
father  could  not  resist,  but  gave  the  sour,  mouldy  bread  to 
them,  when  they  devoured  it  with  a  gusto  that  caused  the 
older  boy  to  weep  as  if  his  little  heart  would  break,  and  the 
paroiits  were  compelled  to  leave  the  scene.  Flour  and 
bread  were  saved  so  long  as  to  cause  them  to  grow  mouldy. 

The  Naturalists  could  live  on  very  little  compared  with 
the  orthodox  people,  and  the  latter  cared  little  what  quality 


392  THE   SOCIAL    WAR  OF    1900;   OR, 

of  stuff  they  swallowed,  so  long  as  it  filled  their  stomachs 
and  appeased  their  hunger  ;  but  wliilst  they  feasted  rather 
better  than  the  Naturalists  during  the  famine,  they  were 
being  made  terrible  victims  for  the  jaws  of  the  pestilence, 
a  thing  they  did  not  expect,  nor  did  they  understand  these 
matters  any  more  than  they  ever  did  ;  hence  it  only  proved 
again  that  orthodoxy  and  self-defiling  were  synonymous, 
and  when  the  hour  of  accountability  for  the  deeds  done  in 
the  body  and  to  the  body  came,  these  people  fell  dead  by  the 
thousands  ;  whilst  the  Naturalists  understood  that  as  the 
quality  of  food  is  that  you  swallow  so  also  is  the  quality  of 
the  bodily  textures  ;  therefore  they  lived  on  a  very  little  of 
pure  food,  and  had  nothing  therefore  inside  of  them  that 
would  easily  decay,  whilst  the  orthodox  people  were  filled 
with  gross  agencies,  hash  and  drugs  from  crown  to  toe, 
wliich  ignited  instantly  when  the  miasmatic  eflluvia 
touched  their  vitals,  and  the  combustion  under  these  cir- 
cumstances was  so  great  that  instant  extinction  of  life  was 
certain. 

Dr.  Juno  issued  a  proclamation  of  warning  to  those  who 
had  lived  reckless  orthodox  lives,  as  follows,  the  moment 
that  the  looked-for  pestilence  made  its  appearance  : 

"  Proclamation.— To  those  of  the  people  wlio  did  not 
heed  tlie  many  warnings  that  I  gave  them  for  many  years, 
I  proclaim  and  order  that  they  will  at  once  flee  to  the 
mountains  and  subsist  upon  the  plainest  food  that  they  can 
procure,  and  those  who  will  not  or  cannot  do  so,  if  they  are 
taken  with  the  pestilence  must  expect  to  be  burned  up  in 
their  houses,  for  we  shall  remove  the  valuables  from  the 
cities  where  the  plague  exists  and  set  the  cities  on  fire, 
wliich  will  burn  out  the  miasma  and  aid  in  creating  rain, 
w!iich  will  bring  the  elixir  of  life  with  it  in  the  shape  of 
oxygen  ! 

"In  time  of  war,  famine  and  pestilence  it  cannot  be  ex- 
])pcted  that  the  guilty  ones  alone  shall  be  made  to  suffer  ; 
therefore,  if  there  are  any  innocent  ones  who  are  unfavora- 
bly situated,  we  advise  them  to  observe  this  proclamatiou 


THE   LOVERS   AND   CONSPIRATORS.  393 

and  flee  from  the  wrath  to  come  ;  and  if  such  are  penitent, 
we  shall  exert  ourselves  to  save  them,  otherwise  we  cannot 
aid  them,  having  enough  to  do  to  take  care  of  ourselves, 
and  to  stop  the  plague  from  spreading  more  and  more. 

''  Given  this  twentieth  day  of ,  19—,  by 

"Victor  Juno." 

This  plague  exceeded  everything  in  its  extent  of  destruc- 
tion of  human  life  that  was  ever  known  or  heard  of.  Hun- 
dreds of  thousands  fell  dead  daily,  which  so  horrified  the 
balance  of  the  orthodox  and  rebellious  worldlings  that  they 
were  anxious  to  become  Naturalists,  as  they  saw  that  very 
few  of  the  latter  died,  and  the  few  who  did  die  with  it  were 
those  who  had  only  recently  turned  reformers,  and  whose 
bodies  had  not  yet  had  time  to  be  remodelled  sufficiently  to 
bear  the  brunt  of  so  great  a  pestilence. 

The  dead  bodies  were  ordered  to  be  burned,  and  thou- 
sands who  were  lying  on  their  death-beds  were  consumed 
by  the  burning  of  the  various  cities,  which  seemed  a  visi- 
tation too  horrible  to  be  anticipated  ;  but  what  could  be 
done  beside  this  course  ? 

Drug  doctors  fell  dead  in  hundreds,  and  they  seemed  to 
know  nothing  about  the  disease  ;  in  fact,  they  do  not,  and 
never  did,  understand  the  true  nature  and  causes  of  dis- 
eases, or  they  would  not  poison  a  person  just  because  he 
had  been  ill  through  one  or  more  violations  of  God's  laws 
of  health,  thereby  adding  insult  to  injury.  However,  these 
hypothetical  vipers  dared,  in  past  ages,  to  assume  the  atti- 
tude of  the  "  Regular  Standard  "  lights  of  healing  of  the 
sick,  when  every  step  in  life's  great  battle  proved  them 
charlatans  and  stuck  up  and  opinionated  impostors  ! 

If  what  is  here  asserted  be  not  true,  then  are  Jesus  Christ 
and  nature  false  doctors  ;  but  the  fiat  has  gone  forth,  and 
these  quacks  have  died  and  vanished  by  their  own  achieve- 
ments ;  therefore  peace  to  their  ashes,  but  a  warning  to  all 
generations  to  come  ! 


394  THE  SOCIAL   AVAR   OF   1900;   OR, 


CHAPTER  XCIX. 

TUE  NEW  CONSTITUTION. 

]E,  who  understand  the  fixed  laws  of  the  Creator, 
hereby  form  the  following  constitution,  which 
siiuU  be  the  supreme  and  only  law  of  the  land  : 
Section  I.  AVe  recognize  the  unalterable, 
fixed  laws  of  nature  and  wonderful  natural  works  of  God 
as  the  sovereign  power  of  heaven  and  earth,  and  love  to 
God  and  man  are  the  fruition  of  obedience  to  the  same. 

Section  II.  We  regard  the  acts  of  Jesus  Christ  as  wor- 
thy of  imitation,  and  no  citizen  of  these  United  States  of 
America  shall  profess  or  claim  to  be  a  Christian  or  Natu- 
ralist unless  he  leads,  as  near  as  possible,  the  natural  life 
that  Christ  led.  And  the  fiftli,  sixth,  seventh,  tenth  and 
twenty-third  chapters  of  St.  Matthew  of  the  New  Testa, 
ment  shall  be  learned,  and  their  teachings  becoriie  the 
principles  by  which  all  things  shall  be  compared,  and  upon 
which  everything  is  to  be  based. 

Section  III.  All  anti-natural  and  anti-Christ  customs, 
statutes  and  precepts  shall  be  treated  as  felonious.  Fash- 
ions and  all  useless  or  unnecessary  things  and  customs 
shall  also  be  treated  as  criminal,  and  the  victim  shall  be 
imprisoned  in  the  institutions  of  instruction. 

Section  IV.  Individuals  shall  not  own  property  of  any 
kind,  but  each  shall  receive  the  necessaries  of  life  as  he  or 
she  has  need  of,  in  common  with  the  rest,  and  in  keeping 
with  the  laws  of  nature  and  capacity  of  the  means  of  the 
country. 

Section  Y.  The  apt,  zealous  and  faithful  disciples 
shall  become  the  apostles,  who  will  make  proper  scientific 
interpretations  of  the  fixed  laws  of  God.  The  people  who 
will  not  voluntarily  learn  tlie  right  and  obey  it  shall  be 
made  to  do  so,  as  school  boys  of  yore  were  compelled  to  do. 

Section  VI.    The  oldest,  ablest  and  most  faithful  apos- 


THE -CONSPIRATORS   AND   LOVERS.  395 

tie  shall  be  esteemed  an  infallible  interpreter  of  the  fixed 
laws  of  the  Church  of  God  !  But  if  found  wanting  shall 
be  deposed. 

Section  YII.  Dr.  Victor  Juno's  sermons,  teachings, 
proclamations  and  army  orders  shall  be  the  standard  for  all 
generations  ;  because  they  are  sound  beyond  cavil. 

Section  VIII.  That  there  shall  be  no  public  opinion, 
but  knowledge  of  all  the  essentials  pertaining  to  human 
affairs  shall  banish  opinion  !  Opinions  shall  not  be  tolera- 
ted in  matters  where  science  or  fixed  law  exists.  Beliefs, 
conjectures  and  liypotheses  on  matters  of  human  affairs 
shall  not  be  allowed  to  be  advanced  and  promulgated  in 
public  or  private. 

Section  IX,  The  printing  press  shall  only  be  open  to 
those  who  understand  God's  fixed  laws,  who  are  authorized 
to  use  it  for  His  kingdom,  and  to  print  or  publish  anything 
that  is  erroneous,  false,  useless  or  in  conflict  with  the  in- 
fallible laws  of  nature  or  nature's  God  sliall  be  esteemed 
treason  toward  high  heaven  ;  and  the  penalty  for  the  first 
offence  shall  be  imprisonment  in  the  institutions  of  instruc- 
tion, and  for  any  future  violation  of  this  section  shall  be 
death.  The  so-called  "Free  Printing  Press"  has  proved 
the  most  dangerous  vehicle  to  debauch  the  people  ;  there- 
fore the  heaviest  penalty  shall  be  attached  to  the  misuse 
of  it. 

Section  X.  Little  children  shall  be  cared  for  as  if  they 
constituted  the  angels  in  heaven,  no  matter  who  are  their 
parents,  or  whether  tliey  inherited  good  or  bad  constitu- 
tions ;  but  parents  who  generate  human  souls  under  un- 
physiological  circumstances,  and  bring  sickness,  deformity 
and  so  forth  upon  their  offspring,  shall  at  once  be  impris- 
oned in  the  separate  department  for  the  sexes  of  the  insti- 
tutions of  instruction  ;  and  marriages  shall  not  be  allowed 
except  from  love  and  when  in  a  natural  state.  The  head 
of  "  The  Church  "  will  further  direct  these  matters  in  keep- 
ing with  the  "  Body  and  Blood  of  Christ." 

Section  XI.    All  who  fail  to  comprehend  and  do  not 


396  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF   1900;   OR, 

live  out  the  teachings  of  our  Iving— Fixed  Law— shall  be 
imprisoned  in  what  sliall  be  known  as  the  "■institutions  of 
instruction,''''  which  institutions  shall  be  conducted  \\\Mn 
natural  principles,  as  set  forth  in  Dr.  Victor  Juno's  great 
proclamation  of  peace,  section  third  ;  but  we  hope  the  time 
will  speedily  come  when  no  such  institutions  will  be 
needed. 

Section  XTI.  The  orthodox  method  of  educating  the 
young  and  old  shall  be  totally  abandoned,  and  obedience  to 
the  fixed  laws  of  growth  and  development  of  body  and  soul 
shall  be  the  only  schooling,  when  intuition  or  the  Holy 
Spirit  will  teach  all  they  ever  need  know  ;  but  to  so  raise 
and  train  both  young  and  old  as  to  become  the  purified 
temples  of  God,  the  apostles  and  Naturalists  who  are 
grown  up  shall  have  books  wherein  the  fixed  laws  are  ex- 
plained. 

Section  XIII.  The  Bible  shall  only  be  in  the  hands  of 
the  apostles,  who  can  scientifically  interpret  the  meaning 
of  the  authors,  and  obsolete  Biblical  history,  like  every 
other  history,  shall  be  abandoned. 

Section  XIV.  Conversation  for  recreation,  mirth  and 
mere  pastime  shall  not  be  restricted  so  long  as  blasphemy 
and  profanity  are  omitted  ;  but  when  it  is  given  as  instruc- 
tion or  advice  a  heavy  penalty  shall  be  attached  to  false 
doctrines ;  in  fact,  the  latter  shall  not  be  tolerated  under 
any  pretext  by  pen,  tongue,  printer's  ink,  or  in  any  other 
manner. 

Section  XV.  To  speak  evil  of  any  one,  or  to  herald 
evil,  or  to  show  forth  evil  of  any  kind,  shall  be  esteemed 
the  highest  crime  amongst  men,  and  shall  be  punished  as 
in  section  nine  of  this  constitution. 

Section  XVI.  Hypocrisy  and  deception  shall  be  es- 
teemed the  highest  crime  against  God  and  man,  and  if  any 
person  indulges  in  them,  or  if  any  individual  knows  per- 
sons who  practise  them,  and  does  not  inform  on  the  hypo- 
crites, they  shall  all  be  counted  guilty  of  felony,— tlie  hypo- 
crite and  shielder  of  the  deceiver,— and  shall  be  punished 
as  in  section  nine  of  this  constitution. 


iTHE   CONSPIRATORS   AND    LOVERS.  397 

Section  XVII.  All  municipal  laws  and  ordinances 
made  by  mankind  shall  be  in  harmony  with  the  fixed  natu- 
ral laws  of  God  ;  and  love  to  God  and  man  shall  be  the 
highest  law  of  earth. 


CHAPTER  C. 

DAAVN  OF  THE  3IILLENNnjM. 

AR,  famine  and  pestilence  having  wiped  away  the 
impure  advocates  of  the  devil's  kingdom,  and 
the  deteriorators  and  dissipators  of  humanity 
having  died,  whilst  Dr.  Juno's  indefatigable  acts, 
war  proclamations,  orders  and  so  forth,  have  compelled  tlie 
balance  to  obey  God's  holy  laws,  which  are  for  the  joy  and 
everlasting  glory  of  all  rational  creatures  alike  ;  so  now  an 
entire  new  era  has  been  established,  and  those  who  live, 
live  to  let  live,  live  for  health,  for  one  another,  for  happi- 
ness, for  glory  to  God  and  mankind ;  thus  the  Second  Advent 
of  Christ  is  everywhere  manifest. 

A  new  Eden  is  established  ;  the  image  of  God  is  en- 
throned ;  one  continual  Sabbath  day  is  celebrated  ;  the 
dressing  of  the  garden  of  perpetual  peace  and  innocence  is 
the  legitimate  work  of  each  man  and  woman;  God  is 
praised  without  ceasing  ;  love  is  as  free  as  the  mountain 
air,  and  is  ushered  forth  toward  God  and  man  from  tlie 
abundance  of  the  heart  or  depth  of  the  soul. 

The  year  of  jubilee  has  come  !  Peace  and  good  will  to 
God  and  man  reign  supreme  and  on  high  !  His  will  is 
done  here,  in  earth,  as  it  is  in  heaven  I  Dr.  Juno  and  his 
beloved  wife,  Lueinda,  sit  regally  clad  in  the  habilaments 
of  heavenly  glory  upon  the  throne  of  grace  !  They  are  the 
acknowledged  victors  and  chief  apostles  of  the  Naturalists, 
who,  in  company  with  the  happy  sons  and  daughters  of 
Victor  and  Lueinda,  surround  their  father  and  mother, 
whilst  the  grandfather — General  Washington  Armington 
— in  the  sere  and  yellow  leaf,  daily  asks  blessings  on  the 


398  THE   SOCIAL   WAR   OF    1900  ;   OR, 

heads  of  all  the  children  of  earth,  and  the  old  man  fairly 
worships  his  noble  son  and  daughter,  whilst  the  grandchil- 
dren dote  on  their  blessed  grandpapa. 

AVords  cease  to  express  the  joy,  the  happiness  and  good 
will  that  reigns  continually  amongst  all  the  people.  There 
is  more  than  plenty  of  everything  to  supply  all  their  natu- 
ral, real  wants,  and  also  plenty  of  time  daily  for  all  to 
gather  together  for  mutual  sociability  and  intuitive  thanks- 
giving to  Ilim  who  has  made  everything  for  the  whole  peo- 
ple's good ! 

Every  living  mortal  now  sees  the  folly  and  sinfulness  of 
the  old  barbarous  orthodox  customs,  and  they  praise  Dr. 
Juno,  and  the  Almighty  Creator  for  having  been  brought 
into  the  light  of  the  hallowed  Millennium  ! 

The  second  coming  of  Christ — which  means  the  second 
appearing  of  God's  righteousness  in  the  shape  of  obedience 
to  His  fixed  laws — is  consummated  in  full  power  and  heav- 
enly grandeur  ;  and  the  immaculate  and  infallible  spirit  of 
Christ,  or  spirit  of  God's  science  of  human  life,  holds  sove- 
reign sway  and  masterdom,  which  makes  the  earth  a 
heaven,  and  inspires  the  temple  of  God  with  holy  fire  and 
heavenly  zeal,  baptizing  all  nations  and  peoples  with  power 
and  grace  divine  ! 

Foreign  countries  are  being  hastily  baptized  with  the 
same  exuberant  blessings,  and  a  new  heaven  and  a  new 
earth  have  been  established,  for  the  old  having  passed 
away  to  make  way  for  the  second  coming  of  Christ,  and  the 
hosts  of  the  New  Jerusalem  are  sounding  their  talismanic 
lyres  with  enchanting  effect  upon  the  minds  of  all  the  chil- 
dren of  His  footstool ! 

Peace  and  good  will  are  not  one  tithe  the  blessings  that 
surround  the  human  family ;  but  love  to  God  and  one 
another,  magnified  by  thrills  from  the  Holy  Spirit,  which 
enhances  the  pleasures  and  joys  of  earth  so  extensively  that 
God's  will  has  become  the  universal  will  of  the  people. 
Thus  death  is  swallowed  up  in  victory,  and  all  rejoice  iJi 
the  transmission  from  earth  to  mansions  in  the  skies. 


THE   CONSPIRATOES   AND   LOVERS.  399 

Language  fails  to  express  the  acknowledged  munificence 
of  God,  and  the  rapturous  bliss  that  His  unalloyed  influ- 
ence exercises  over  the  purified  temples  of  God  is  over- 
whelming, which  causes  the  human  mind  to  quaff  living 
water,  whose  properties  are  exuberantly,  magically  and 
divinely  spiritualistic,  that  thrill  and  enliven  every  avenue 
of  the  soul,  until  the  body  becomes  a  normally  toned  instru- 
ment, whereupon  the  Spirit  of  God,  or  Holy  Spirit,  plays 
enchanting  music  that  electrifies  every  atom  of  all  anima- 
ted creation ! 

Now  Victor  Juno  is  blessed  with  everything  that  his 
great  heart  yearned  for,  with  everything  that  his  muscles 
labored  for,  with  everything  that  his  giant  will  struggled 
for,  with  a  congenial  and  heroic  Christian  wife  and  mother 
by  his  side,  with  children,  in  God's  blessed  image,  surround- 
mg  him,  with  all  the  people  falling  before  the  throne  of 
grace  and  doing  homage  to  God  and  man,  and  all  this  for 
the  love  they  bear  for  him,  for  God  and  for  one  another. 

This  pays  him  ten  million  times  for  the  pains,  depriva- 
tions, persecutions  and  struggles  through  which  he  was 
compelled  to  go  for  the  purpose  of  establishing  this  Millen- 
nium dawn.  The  Spirit  of  Jesus  Christ  now  holds  sacred 
his  manly  body  and  soul,  and  those  who  have  exhausted 
their  strength  of  body,  mind  and  purse  to  disgrace  and 
persecute  him,  have  sunken  into  the  depth  of  disgrace,  and 
have  become  fuel  for  the  evil  one  to  satiate  his  venom  upon, 
whilst  a  beloved  Victor  and  his  people  enjoy  the  gifts  of  an 
unchangeable  Creator,  and  a  mansion,  not  made  by  human 
hands,  but  eternal  in  the  sky,  awaits  the  blessed  Naturalist, 
whose  greatness,  goodness  and  indomitable  energy  are  in- 
delibly inscribed  upon  the  hearts  of  the  entire  race  of  man- 
kind 1 

Thus,  truly,  wortliy  have  proved  the  operations  of  the 
noble  and  heroic  "  Son  of  Toil,"  who  has  lived  and  labored 
for  the  salvation  of  his  race  ;  his  reward  is  made  manifest 
to  the  inhabitants  of  heaven  and  earth,  whilst  he  is  the 

HAPPY  MAN  ! 


400  THE  SOCIAL   WAE  OF   1900;   OK, 


MOEAL. 

HAVE  written  this  novel  with  the  intention  of 
showing  the  danger  of  entrusting  the  govern- 
ment of  Church  and  State  in  the  hands  of  theo- 
retical speculators,  who  carry  on  their  trades  or 
callings  without  opposition,  or  without  permitting  open 
criticisms  on  their  conduct  and  logic. 

Ministers  of  the  sectarian  denominations  have  thus  grown 
impudent  and  hardened  in  their  sanctimonious  work,  who 
dare  not  be  opposed  with  impunity  ;  and  they  claim  a  holy 
right  to  usurp  every  means,  good  and  ill,  to  sustain  their 
false  positions,  which  has  been  shown  in  their  acts  toward 
myself,  as  partly  portrayed  in  tliis  story. 

My  trial  and  imprisonment  for  publishing  a  scientific 
physiological  book,  and  tlie  several  attempts  to  assassinate 
me,  also  the  newspaper  libels  and  sectarian  connivings,  as 
laid  down  in  this  novel,  are  all  truer  than  most  of  the 
preaching  that  we  hear  from  the  fashionable  rostrums. 

I  have  drawn  a  heavy  picture  on  both  sides  ;  however,  I 
am  convinced  tliat  the  Protestant  sectarian  leaders,  if  they 
were  a  unit,  as  the  Roman  Catliolics  are,  would  do  worse 
deeds  than  are  given  in  this  story  ;  but  instead  of  being  a 
unit,  they  have  several  hundred  sects,  each  liating  the 
otlier,  which  may  be  the  only  benefit  of  the  many  sects. 

The  hero  of  tlie  plot,  as  well  as  the  heroine,  Victor  and 
Lucinda,  are  two  people  after  mine  own  heart,  and  I  would 
do  things  precisely  as  they  are  portrayed  by  them  if  I  had 
it  in  my  power  !  Moreover,  I  hope  all  thinkiug  people  will 
appreciate  the  charity  of  dealing  summarily  with  those  who 
misrepresent  God,  Nature  and  Jesus  Christ,  and  who  by  so 
doing  have  bankrupted  everything  until  the  immutable 
laws  of  the  Creator  are  spurned,  whilst  the  traditions  of 


THE   CONSPIRATORS   AXD   LOVERS.  401 

men  receive  respect  at  the  sacrifice  of  millions  of  the  hu- 
man kind  ! 

The  deacon  is  only  a  fair  sample  of  what  many  of  our 
self-righteous  modern  deacons  are,  only  with  this  differ- 
ence, that  Deacon  Rob  Stew  is  far  more  brave,  heroic  and 
fearless  than  our  modern  bigots,  who  in  their  hearts  feel 
like  doing  as  Deacon  Stew  did,  but  have  neither  the  tact 
nor  courage  to  do  so. 

I  hope  that  I  am  not  misunderstood  in  presenting  the  ex- 
treme views  of  good  and  evil,  or  the  acme  of  heavenly  zeal 
or  demoniacal  ambition  !  I  love  the  genuine  Christian 
and  honest  official,  but  despise  the  ways  of  the  hypocrite 
and  politician. 

All  should  be  governed  by  the  fixed  law  of  God,  and  the 
good  of  the  many  should  be  sought  at  the  sacrifice  of  the 
good  of  the  few,  which  reverses  the  customs  of  the  day.  And 
until  the  aim  and  end  of  able  men  point  in  the  direction 
that  this  novel  sets  forth,  the  broad  road  will  be  lined, 
whilst  the  narrow  path  will  be  deserted  ! 

My  secret  prayers  are  for  the  welfare  of  all,  and  my  phy- 
sical and  mental  energies  shall  be  expended  in  the  direction 
just  spoken  of,  hoping  that  the  Millennium  will  dawn  ere 
many  years  pass  away  ! 

The  Author. 
26 


THE  END. 


DR.  LAXDIS    EEFOEMATORY   EXTERPRISES. 


tf 


K  M»  M^jrmis' 


ES, 


"Which  are  all  carried  on  in  one  building,  located  at 

ITo.  13  North  Eleventh  Street,  above  Market, 

PHILADELPHIA,  PA., 

To  whom  and  where  all  communications  should  be  ad- 
dressed. 


TO  THE  SICK ! 

THE  HEALING  DEPAKTMEXT  is  superintended  by 
Dr.  Landis  personally,  and  the  Remedies  consist  of  his 

PM  EECTHO-IMTIC  EOOILIE, 


AXD 


Coiiipoii!ilOrpisS][rnkaratus, 

Which  are  his  own  inventions,  and  take  the  place  of  drug- 

Inedication  in  sub-acute  and  chronic  diseases ;  and  when 

skilfully  used  in  conjunction  with  SURG-ICAL  APPLI- 

403 


DR.  LANDIS    REFORMATORY    ENTERPRISES. 

AXCES,  Animal  Magnetism,  Pure  (Oxygenated)  Air, 
Water,  Sleep,  Natural  Food,  Light,  Rest,  Exercise,  Tem- 
perature, Regulation  of  the  Passions,  etc.,  furnish  us  with 
a  most  complete  and  compatible  Materia  Medica. 

"We  warrant  to  cure  all  kinds  of  diseases,  if  not  too  far 
gone ;  but  we  have  always  treated  more  Sexual  than  any 
other  complaints. 

OFFICE  HOURS,  by  Dr.  Landis  personnlly,  every 
week  day  from  7  to  11  a.  m.,  and  Monday  and  Thursday 
evenings,  5  to  8  o'clock.  Assistants  always  in  Institute. 
Medical  Consultation  by  letter  strictly  private. 


TESTIMONIALS: 

Note. — Of  late  years  I  have  refused  to  piihlish  testimonials^ 
although  I  have  often  been  offered  excellent  ones;  but  as  my 
friends  repeatedly  ask  me  to  do  so,  I  will  insert  a  few  given  m.} 
many  years  ago;  all  but  two  of  the  signers  live  to  this  day. 
These  recommendations  have  lost  notMng  by  age. 

LETTER  FROM  PHILADELPHIAKS. 

PllILADELPlllA,  January  22,  18oS. 

We,  the  undersigned,  have  known  Dr.  S.  M.  Laxdis  foy 
a  number  of  years,  and  liaving  personally  been  under  liii 
admirable  and  very  skilful  treatment  do  most  cordially 
recommend  liim  and  his  plan  of  treating  diseases  to  all  suf< 
fering  mankind.  He  is  a  man  in  whose  medical  opinion 
and  lionor  the  most  imiilicit  confidence  can  be  ])laced.  If 
any  friends  of  the  undersigned  should  meet  with  tliis,  b;] 
kind  enough  to  regard  it  as  a  special  recommendation  of 
Dr.  Landis. 

SAM'L  CONRAD,  cor.  9th  and  ^Market  sts.,  Phila. 

CHARLES  STACKHOUSE,  56  N.  Fomtli  st.,  Pliila. 

THOS.  L.  GILLESPIE,  cor.  6th  and  Market  sts.,  Phila 

LEWIS  LADOMUS.  802  Cliestnut  st.,  Phila. 

J.  WOOLMAN  REEVES,  920  N.  Eighth  st.,  Phila. 

JOS.  KONIGMACHER,  Epiirata  Mountain  Sp.,  Pa. 

JAMES  S.  LIPPINCOTT,  Haddonfleld,  N.  J. 

J.  S.  AFRICA,  Senate,  Harrisburg,  Pa. 

ALFRED  SHUCKING,  Washington,  D.  C. 

404 


DR.  LANDIS'  REFORMATORY   ENTERPRISES. 


TO  ALL  WHOM  IT  MAY  COXCERX. 

We  have  had  tlie  pleasure  of  an  acquaintance  with  S.  M. 
Landis,  M.  D.,  late  of  Philadelphia,  who  came  to  our  city- 
very  highly  recommended  (by  letter),  and  as  a  scientific 
Medical  Practitioner  and  Popular  Lecturer  there  are  few 
who  liave  attained  a  greater  reputation.  Should  any  ac- 
quaintances of  the  midersigned  meet  with  this,  tliey  will  be 
kind  enough  to  regard  it  as  a  special  recommendation  of 
the  doctor. 

L.  B.  VILAS,  JOHJ^  W.  HUXT,  M.  D., 

GEO.  P.  delaplai:n'e,    h.  c.  bull, 

J.  D.  RUGGLES,  A.  TREDWAY, 

J.  C.  FAIRCIIILD,  N.  W.  DEAX. 

Madison,  AVisconsin,  December  9,  1858. 


TO  THOSE  WHO  SUFFER  FROM  CAJ^CER. 

More  than  a  year  since  I  had  occasion  to  take  my  wife  to 
Philadelphia,  to  Du.  Landis'  Institute,  to  have  lier  cured 
of  an  open  cancer  of  the  breast,  which  our  physicians  i)ro- 
nounced  incurable.  In  seven  weeks  a  radical  cure  Avas 
effected  without  the  knife,  caustic  or  medicine,  and  with 
but  little  pain,  by  the  very  skilful  treatment  of  Dr.  Lan- 
dis. Any  person  wishing  particulars  can  address  me  per- 
sonally. 

K.  G.  HARVEY. 

High  School,  Beaver  Dam,  Wis. 

December.  1858. 


TO  WHOM  IT  MAY  COXCERJT. 

I  have  had  the  pleasure  of  a  short  acquaintance  with  S.  M. 
Landis,  M.  D.,  and  am  happy  to  be  able  to  say  that  his 
medical  services  are  highly  apiireciated  by  many  in  this 
community.  His  mode  of  treating  diseases  has  resulted 
very  favorably  in  a  great  number  of  cases  with  which  I  am 
acquainted. 

J.  J.  MITER, 

Pastor  of  First  Presbyterian  Church,  Beaver  Dam,  Wis. 
December  5,  ISoS. 

405 


DR.    LANDIS     REFORMATORY   ENTERPRISES. 


LETTER  FROM  JAMES  S.  LIPPINCOTT,  ESQ. 

It  has  been  my  fate  to  have  made  the  acquaintance  of 
many  doctors,  but  my  fortuxe  to  have  found  but  one 
"Physician  of  value." 

Having  suffered  through  many  years  from  debility  until 
all  hoi)e  of  restoration  to  health  was  well  nigh  abandoned, 
I  accidentally  became  acquainted  with  Dr.  S.  M.  Landis, 
and  with  much  reluctance  made  trial  of  the  Hygienic 
treatment .  The  result  was  as  pleasing  as  it  was  surprising. 
Dr.  Landis'  i)enetrating  observation  makes  liim  a  master 
in  diagnosis,  and  an  excellent  judgment  in  the  choice  of 
modes  of  cure,  where  the  case  is  curable,  renders  him  in  my 
esteem  greatly  superior  to  other  physicians  of  the  same 
school  with  wiiom  I  have  met,  or  whose  works  I  have  read. 
Being  thoroughly  acquainted  Avith  Dr.  Landis,  and  in 
some  degree  with  the  profoundly  i)hilosophical  system  by 
which  he  is  guided,  I  hesitate  not  to  recommend  him  to 
my  friends  and  the  community  as  eminently  worthy  of 
their  conlidence  as  a  physician  of  uncommon  merit,  versed 
in  the  true  science  of  healing,  and  in  his  walk  without  a 
compeer.  Several  years  have  passed  since  my  restoration 
to  health,  and  tlie  effects  produced  by  the  skilful  treatment 
of  Dr.  L.  api)ear  to  l>e  permanent.  Tlirough  his  teachings 
a  new  light  has  dawned  ui)on  me,  showing  the  true  path  in 
which  health,  strength  and  the  real  blessings  of  life  can 
alone  be  found. 

To  the  doctor  I  shall  ever  feel  warmly  grateful,  and  sin- 
cerely hope  he  may  prove  the  means  of  bringing  to  others' 
doors  the  blessings  he  has  brought  to  mine  ! 

To  the  suffei-er,  into  whose  hands  this  may  come,  I  would 
say,  hesitate  not  to  place  yourself  under  Dr.  LANDis'care, 
and  obey  his  injunctions.  I  will  ]iromise,  if  your  case  is 
curable,  he  will  prove  under  Providence  the  means  by 
wliich  you  will  have  regained  your  health.  You  will  find 
him  a  medical  man  "one  of  a  thousand  "  in  acuteness  of 
])erception  and  tact  in  administering  remedies,  and  will 
ever  liave  cause  of  gratitude  to  him  as  truly  ''a  physician 
of  value." 

JAMES  S.  LIPPINCOTT,  Haddonfield,  K.  J. 

February  3,  1858. 

406 


DR.   LANDIS'    REFORMATORY   ENTERPRISES. 

HOW  TO  RISEjN  THE  WORLD! 

Splendid  Openings  for  Making 
Money,  Health  and  Fame. 

Nothing  at  this  day  is  so  much  needed  and  called  for, 
from  all  parts  of  the  world,  as  soundly  educated  Hygienic 
Physicians  and  Health  Lecturers. 

THE  [[[CTRO-HyCOfl-PSlfCHOLOGIGIlL 

AL  COLLEGE, 

1. 13  Irtli  Eleieiitli  Street,  PMlaMpMa,  Pa., 

Is  the  place  where  Students  of  both  sexes  can  enter  any 
day  and  be  forthwith  educated  by  a  short,  practical  man- 
ner, without  studying  a  liost  of  useless  books  and  foreign 
languages,  by  a  Patented  New  Plan,  peculiar  to  the  Origi- 
nator and  Dean— Dr.  S.  M.  Landis. 

Models,  Manikins,  Paintings,  etc.,  are  used  to  in- 
struct the  student ;  and  more  information  can  be  given  in 
a  few  days  than  elsewhere  in  months.  This  may  seem 
strange,  but  it  is  nevertheless  true.  From  two  to  six  months 
only  required  to  thoroughly  educate  any  person  of  common 
sense  and  ordinary  education. 

Each  student  is  started  in  business,  and  can  be  secured 
by  Three  Patents,  which  gives  a  rare  chance  lor  success. 

A  few  hundred  dollars  ivill  complete  your  Medi- 
cal Education  and  secure  you  a  Lia^vful  Diploma. 
T>o  not  he  a  DR  UDGE  all  your  life  as  long  as  the 
above  ojyportunity  is  open  to  you. 

Address,  S.  M.  LANDIS,  M.  D.,  Dean, 

Xo.  13  N.  Elecciith  St.,  Phila.,  Pa. 

407 


DR.    LANDIS'    REFORMATORY   ENTERPRISES. 


CERTIFICATES  f  ROM  MEDICAL  STODENTS. 

TO  MEDICAL  STUDENTS.— I  never  would  have 
thouglit  it  possible  to  get,  in  so  short  a  time,  as  large  an 
amount  of  true  scientiric  knowledge  of  Anatomy,  Physi- 
ology, Pathology,  and  all  the  branches  pertaining  to  the 
Medical  Science,  as  is  given  by  Du.  Landis'  simplihed  and 
condensed,  short  and  practical  system,  which  I  had  the 
advantage  of  studying  myself. 

^                JO.'        PAUL  ISENSCHMID, 
Pastor  of  Zion  German  Lutheran  Church,  Wilming- 
ton, Del. 
July  10,  1872.  

TO  THOSE  WHO  WISH  to  become  useful  physicians 
let  me  say  tliat  it  is  a  pleasure  to  study  under  Da.  Laxdis' 
short-han"d  system.  It  is  as  much  ahead  of  the  age  as  tele- 
graphing is  speedier  than  stage-coacliing.  Moreover,  he 
gives  a  more  thorough  course  of  instruction  for  practical 
use  than  is  anywhere  else  to  be  obtained,  which  I  know 
from  experience. 

W.  II.  JOHNSON,  M.  D. 


TO  FAMILIES, 

\\]m%  Fullic  \iMm%  Mm 


We  offer  the  greatest,  most  complete,  economical  and 
useful  invention  for  sale  that  was  ever  kno^ni  for  the  luxu- 
rious comfort,  health,  beauty,  happiness,  and  for  the  pre- 
vention and  permanent  cure  of  diseases,  namely  : — 

Dr.  Laiulis'  Patent  Portable  Compound  Electro-Magnetic 
Equalizer,  Hot  1  Cold  Air  «fc  Improved  Turkish  Batli. 

403 


DR.  LANDIS     REFORMATORY   ENTERPRISES. 

It  is  (without  the  Magnetic  Equalizer)  a  complete  Hot 
and  Cold  Air,  and  very  much  Improved  Turkish  Bath,  Sy- 
ringing and  Water-Cure  Establishment  all  centred  in  a 
neat  closet,  resembling  a  wardrobe,  2i  by  3i  feet  square  and 
7i  feet  high,  smaller  size  ;  and  3  by  3i  feet  square  and  8i 
feet  high,  larger  size  ;  and  so  constructed  that  not  a  drop 
of  water  or  soiling  will  get  on  the  carpet  outside,  hence 
may  be  placed  in  a  parlor.  Tlie  beauty  of  it  is  that  a  few 
buckets  of  water  will  give  the  most  thorough  bath,  this  is 
a  great  object  where  water  is  scarce. 

LIST  OF  PRICES: 

Eight  to  use  for  one  Private  Family,  and  instructions 
to  build  and  use  it,  $-50  ;  Patent  Organic  Syringing  Appa- 
ratus, $10  extra,  making  $60. 

For  a  Completely  Built  Bath  (without  the  Magnetic 
Equalizer)  for  one  Private  Family,  $150  ;  Magnetic  Equa- 
lizer, $50  extra,  making  $200. 

Eights  for  Public  or  Physician's  Use  from  $100  upward, 
with  instructions  to  build  and  use,  according  to  location 
and  population.  We  will  build  tliem  on  tlie  same  terms 
for  public  as  private  use.  Terms  Cash  upon  ordering  the 
same.  Valuable  property  taken  in  exchange  for  State  or 
County  Eights  for  Public  Use  only. 

Organic  Syringes  for  sale,  independent  of  the  bath. 
Price  $16. 

1^  SOLID  EEFEEENCES  AXD  EECOMMEXDA- 
TIOXS  by  the  score  from  physicians  and  first-class  citizens 
who  use  them.        Address, 

Dr.S.M.LANDIS, 

No.  IS  N.  Eleventh  St.,  riiila.,  Fa, 

409 


DR.   LANDIS    REFORMATORY   ENTERPRISES. 


"SECRETS  OF  CENERIITION," 

The  Strictly  Fkivate  Book  fou  Maruied  Per- 
sons on  the  "  SECRETS  OF  GENERATI02^  "  is  the  one 
which  purged  the  pharisees  so  vehemently,  for  the  publica- 
tion of  which  they  sent  the  author,  Dr.  Laxdis,  to  prison, 
and  which  caused  this  novel — The  Social  War — to  be  penned 
by  Laxdis. 

It  is  still  for  sale,  and  ever  will  be.  Sold  sealed  only  ; 
price  one  dollar.  Sent  upon  receipt  of  price  prepaid  by 
mail.  Address, 

Dr.  S.  M.  LANDIS, 
No.  13  N.  Eleventh  St.,  Phila.,  Pa. 


What  the  People  say  of  "Se- 
crets of  Generation." 

ZBTT^'HS    OF"    'RBCOMM£:jyi>ATIOjY. 
LETTER  FROM  JOHI^  WISE,  THE  BALLOONIST. 

Dr.  S.  M.  Laxdis, 

Dear  Sir  .-—As  to  your  Book  on  the  Marriage  Kela- 
Tioxs,  I  am  a  little  like  your  friend  Humphrey.  It  is 
ahead  of  the  age.  Poor  Priest-ridden  humanity  must 
writhe  and  struggle  a  little  wliile  longer  before  they  shall 
enjoy  tlie  comforts  and  improvements  so  Logically,  Theo- 
logically and  Physiologically  laid  down  in  it.  It  will  be 
for  a  little  while  yet  throwing  "  pearls  before  swixe," 
i.  e..  Theological  and  Pliysiolo.^ical  Swine.  The  Pharisees 
who  shrug  up  their  ]»ious  shoulders  at  the  idea  of  poor  hu- 
manity learning  the  admonition  of  "  J\Iax  Kxow  Thy- 
self," are  not  going  to  let  so  great  a  ray  of  liglitfall  upon 
the  mental  vision  of  their  Hocks.  Your  book  should  be 
read  by  everybody  who  wishes  the  world  to  grow  wiser  and 
better.  Truly  yours, 

JOHN  WISE. 

LaxcASTER,  Pa.,  FehriKtry  1,  1S66. 

410 


DR.   LAXDIS'   REFORMATORY    ENTERPRISES. 


EEMARKS  IN  LETTER  FROM  PROF.  A.  KLEIX. 

(Prof.  Klein  is  a  higlily  ediiciited  Geniuin,  wIm  lately  settled  near  Noiristowu  and 
translated  the  Piivate  liuok  into  (jeriiiaii.) 

NORRISTOWN,  Pa.,  January  27,  1866. 
Dr.  Landis  : 

I  have  the  honor  to  present  you  liereby  the  ordered  trans- 
lation of  your  "•Secrets  OF  Generation,"  in  German. 
.  .  .  It  was  a  hirger  and  more  difficult  work  that  I  liad 
esteemed  it  at  first.  .  .  .  There  are  also  different  books 
of  this  kind  in  Germany  ;  but  I  never  could  find  one  there 
which  could  be  put  on  side  of  yours,  and  it  is  certain  tliat 
this,  written  in  good  German,  will  excite  the  very  most  atten- 
tion both  in  Germany  and  among  many  German  people  who 
live  in  Philadelphia,  New  York,  Baltimore,  Washington, 
etc.,  and  can't  read  English.        Yours,  very  humble, 

ADOLPH  KLEIN. 


No.  12  Bible  House,  New  York, 
January  15,  1866. 
F.  A.  Steixer  &  Co., 

Oentlemen : — The  books  (by  Dr.  Laxdis)  'you  sent  were 
received.  ...  I  never  read  a  book  that  contained  so 
much  really  TRUE  and  GOOD  advice  as  the  book  for  mar- 
ried persons.     Every  one  should  read  it.     .     .     . 

Truly  yours,  O.  V.  LEMON, 

Publisher  of  "  The  Old  Hearthstone." 


Raxdolph,  Mass.,  October  7,  1865 
Dr.  Laxdis, 

Sir : — I  have  received  your  Book  ox  Marriage,  with 
which  my  wife  and  myself  are  higlily  pleased,  and  we  are 
of  the  opinion  that  if  it  were  circulated  more  amongst  the 
people  of  the  United  States  it  would  be  of  great  benefit  to 
the  country,  as  well  as  to  individuals. 

It  is  just  "  The  Book  "  f(n-  all  married  people.  You  can 
use  my  name  if  it  will  be  of  any  benefit  to  you.    .    .    . 

I  am,  very  respectfullv,  your  obediv-i^nt  servant, 

JAMES  C.  DRISCOLL. 


EXTRACTS  FROM  A  LETTER  BY  F.  HUMPHREY,  ESQ. 

No.  614  Chestxut  St.,  Piiila.,  Oct.  10, 1865 
Dr.  Laxdis, 

Dear  Doctor : — I  received  from  you  on  Saturday,  the  6th, 
a  lot  of  your  books  to  notice  in  the  "  Union,"  of  which  I 

411 


DR.    LANDIS'    REFORMATORY    ENTERPRISES. 


am  publisher.  .  .  .  My  own  opinion  is  that  you  are, 
iinfortuuately,  fifty  years  ahead  of  the  iv^a  in  whicli  you 
live.  Tiie  sul)ject  you  have  so  thorouglily  taken  \\\)  in 
Private  Book)  is  too  deep  for  the  present  generation. 
They  cannot,  will  not  give  it  credence.  Tlie  errors  of  past 
generations  are  too  vividly  shining.  New  truths  are  un- 
welcome messengers  to  the  false  systems  of  society,  and  tlie 
landmarks  which  our  fathers  planted  in  error  cannot  be 
reuK)ved  by  modern  and  scientific  discovery.  Alas  !  i)oor 
humanity,  where  art  tliou  ?  And  wilt  thou  sink  to  rise  no 
more  V  Nay,  wait  a  little,  and  thy  beauty  shall  shine  forth 
as  the  noonday  ! 

The  subject  of  improving  and  beautifying  the  human 
race  is  a  matter  of  no  small  importance  ;  one  in  which  every 
man  should  feel  proud  to  be  engaged,    .    .    . 

Respectfully  yours,  F.  HUMPHREY. 

Appeared  before  me.  Dr.  S.  M.  Laxdis,  who  has  sworn 
that  the  above  letters  are  correct  co])ies  of  the  original. 
LEWIS  GODBOU,  Alderman,  Philadelphia. 

P.  S. — We  could  add  hundreds  of  such  testimonials, 
recommending  this  publication  to  the  public. 


TO  YOUNG  MEN! 

Gentlemeist  :— Allow  me  to  say  a  few  words  to  you  as 
regards  the  various  dissipations  and  abuses  which  are  prac- 
tised in  what  is  called  respectable  life,  and  which  are  detri- 
mental to  your  physical  development  and  beauty,  whilst 
you  are  being  deprived  thereby  of  the  many  i)hysical  i)lea- 
sures  and  mental  joys  that  would  otherwise  belong  to  your 
lot  in  life. 

Before  speaking  of  the  remedies  for  the  radical  recupera- 
tion from  tlie  ills  and  defects  that  follow  such  unphyniolo- 
gical  customs,  let  me  present  to  yon  a  few  plain,  sound 
common  sense  views  of  physical  growth  and  development  : 

The  "  law  of  growth  "  and  "  law  of  healing  "  are  precisely 
the  same  in  every  kingdom  and  being.  The  stomach  is  the 
recevstaclc  for  the  solids  and  fluids  I'lat  arc  needed  to  grow 

di2 


DR.    LANDIS'   REFORMATORY   ENTERPRISES. 

out  and  develop  solid  bones,  round  flesli  and  sound  nerves  ; 
and  if  you  place  anything  into  the  stomach  that  cannot  be 
used  by  the  inner  man  to  replenish  or  build  out  said  bodily 
tissues,  you  cannot  have  grace  of  body  nor  intuitive  expan- 
sion of  mind,  two  things  that  are  more  talismanic  in 
charming  the  minds  of  otliers  than  all  the  gold  and  glitter, 
hash  and  trash,  medicines  and  artificial  make-ups  combined. 
Moreover,  if  you  expend  your  vitality  that  is  continually 
needed  to  grow  up  said  bones,  flesh  and  nerves  by  abusing 
the  stomacli  or  animal  passions,  you  cannot  expect  to  be 
talented  and  fine-looking  men  ;  and  yet  not  one  in  a  hun- 
dred in  ordinary  civilized  life  escapes  the  idea  that  these 
physical  organs  were  created  by  Him  for  a  higher  purpose 
than  to  gain  the  most  pleasure  possible  in  life  through  their 
medium. 

Thus,  thousands  are  fairly  slaughtered  through  ignorance 
and  recklessness,  and  when  the  sap  of  human  life  is  ex- 
pended before  manhood  fully  sets  in,  how  can  happiness  be 
his  boon  companion  in  later  years  ;  especially  if  the  bank- 
rupt in  vitality  seeks  for  a  restoration  of  his  bodily  charms 
in  poisons  instead  of  natural  agencies  and  influences  that 
would  grow  up  solid  structures,  hence  heal  the  wound  ? 

Therefore,  be  no  longer  serfs  or  slaves  to  bad  habits  ;  such 
as  primary  abuses  of  the  stomach  and  perverted  animal 
passions,  but  rise  to  at  least  the  good  sense  and  dignity  of 
brutes,  who  would  neither  use  rum,  tobacco,  drugs,  liash 
and  trash  that  corrode  or  petrify  the  walls  of  tlie  stomacli, 
nor  habits  that  run  the  most  precious  elements  of  life  out 
by  the  propensities  before  the  age  of  maturity  has  arrived. 
Oh,  young  man,  cease  to  do  evil,  and  learn  nature's  voice, 
which  cries  aloud  unto  you  to  shun  everything  that  would 
even  injure  a  pure,  innocent,  healthy-growing  babe's  flesli, 
nerves  or  bones,  and  you  will  instinctively  shun  drug-medi- 
cines in  sickness  as  in  healtli ;  and  more  so,  because  vitality 
needs  to  be  most  economized  when  the  bodily  members  are 
feeble  and  in  pain  ! 

413 


DR.  LANDIS    REFORMATORY   ENTERPRISES. 

In  the  practice  of  "healing  the  sick,"  which  I  have  fol- 
lowed for  twenty  years,  you  have  notliing  administered 
that  is  injurious  to  the  perfectly  healtliy  person  or  to  the 
dying  invalid  ;  therefore,  come  and  be  healed  without  ache 
or  pain.  Yours  faithfully, 

S.  M.  LANDIS. 

PME  PHliiiT  llSTiClI 

TO  MARRIED  PEOPLE. 

One  of  the  greatest  sins  of  an  enlighted  age  is  this  bar- 
barous custom  of  ignorantly  "■  increasing  and  multiplying  " 
under  any  and  all  circumstances  without  a  thought  of  the 
criminal  result  of  ushering  poor  innocents  into  the  light  of 
day,  who  are  either  unwelcome,  sickly  or  deformed,  and 
blaming  it  upon  God  instead  of  giving  the  blame  to  igno- 
rance or  recklessness. 

I  have  always  labored  to  improve  this  part  of  the  marital 
programme,  and  am  now  ready  to  privately  and  reverently 
instruct  tliose  of  either  sex  who  are  about  to  enter  into  this 
sacred  function  of  springing  mortal  souls  into  existence. 

Much  is  to  be  learned  before  the  people  are  masters  over 
these  matters  of  creating  and  sustaining  human  life  ! 

Permitting  these  little  angels  to  die  in  the  cradle  or  later 
in  life  of  diseases  that  are  as  easily  managed  as  the  preven- 
tion of  such  abortive  efforts  at  raising  good  and  sound  sons 
and  daugliters,  is  heathenish. 

Would-6e,  or  would-noM:)e,  parents,  wliat  an  account  you 
will  have  to  give  at  the  great  Judgment-day  for  these  sins 
of  omission  and  commission  !  Will  you  therefore  learn  to 
prevent  such  mishaps  in  life's  great  battle,  and  learn  to 
govern  and  in  every  way  control  tliese  matters  according 
to  God's  lioly  law  of  generation  V  If  so,  I  have  not  labored 
in  vain,  nor  has  my  imprisonment  for  promulgating  this 
holy  of  lioliest  causes  been  for  nought ! 

Faithfully  yours  until  death,  S.  M.  LANDIS. 

414 


DR.  LANDIS'  REFORMATORY   ENTERPRISES. 

PARTICULARLY 

TO  MARRIED  PERSONS! 

But  also  Useful  for  Single  Invalids. 
THE  PATENT  COMPOUND 

OUGANIC  SYRINGE. 


For  many  years  I  have  daily  felt  the  want  of  a  more  ex- 
tensive, complete  and  durable  syringing  apparatus  than 
was  anywhere  to  be  had  ;  therefore,  I  invented  and  had 
patented  the  above  most  excellent  instrument,  which  ful- 
fils all  the  indications  of  ordinary  syringing,  and  besides 
does  what  every  hygienic  physician,  surgeon  and  family 
require  to  prevent  and  cure  the  various  ills  of  life. 

Description. — This  is  a  neat  apparatus  that  will  last  a 
lifetime,  and  comes  in  a  box  5  by  9  inches,  accompanied  by 
a  complete 


A  FEW  OF  ITS  MANY  USES: 

Positive  preventive  of  all  the  diseases  of  tlie  pelvic  or 
hip  organs.  Cures  Costiveness.  Diarrhoea,  Flooding,  Colic, 
Cramps,  Fistula,  Ulceration,  Falling  of  the  Bowel  or  Ute- 
rus, and  Piles  in  particular.  It  also  answers  for  all  other 
injecting  purposes,  etc.  "Medical  Guide  "  gives  full  par-, 
ticulars. 

Every  person  should  have  one,  and  especially  ladies. 

Price  only  $16.  Sent  by  express  to  any  address  upon  re-? 
ceipt  of  price.  Address, 

DR.  S.  M.  LANDIS. 

415 


DR.    LANDIS'    REFORMATORY    ENTERPRISES. 


A  LIST  OF  THE  NAMES  AD  PRICES  OF 


1,  lAl'  f 


1.  The  Social  War  of  the  Tear  1900 ;  or,  the  Conspi- 

rators and  Lovers.    12mo.,  416  pages.    Cloth. ...$1.50 

2.  Sense  and  Nonsense,  on  all  topics  concerning  hu- 

man affairs.    12mo.,  612  pages.     Cloth 2.00 

3.  Secrets  of  Generation  (which  caused  his  imprison- 

ment).   Sold  sealed  only 1.00 

4.  Health  Cooli  Boole,  and  Family  Physician 1.00 

5.  Prison-Life   Thoughts;   a   Looking-Glass   for    his 

Enemies.    100  pages.    Paper 25 

6.  Private  Lectures  on  Courtship  and  Marriage,  giving 

particulars  of  "  The  Matrimonial  Department  of 
the  First  Progressive  Christian  Church  of  Philadel- 
phia:' showing  EACH  MAK  KOW  TO  GET 
A  GOOD  WIFE  AND  WOMAN  A  GOOD 
HUSBAND 25 

7.  Key  to  Love,  or  Tlie  Science  of  Fascination 25 

8.  Key  to  Heaven,  a  Scientific  Explanation  of  the 

Bible  10 

Sold  by  agents,  at  book  stores,  and  will  be  sent  prepaid 
by  return  of  mail  upon  receipt  of  price  by  addressing 

DR.  S.  M.  LANDIS, 

No.  13  K.  Elerenth  St.,  Phila.,  Pa. 

416 


u 


813.49  L25?:".  583153 


